


Bites P4

by Silkywings



Category: Original Work
Language: Lingua latina
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:42:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 261,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24805648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silkywings/pseuds/Silkywings





	1. Chapter 1

### Chapter 45: Chapter 42: The World Cries Out! Keep Fighting, Luffy, You Can't Lose Now!

### Chapter Text

“So…I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is bad?” Usopp gulped, his knees knocking furiously together.

“No shit,” Zoro and Sanji chorused.

The four Straw Hats still in the Tower of Justice stared past the bridge and towards the massive steel horizon, the Gates of Justice. Said Gates were currently in the process of opening. Slowly, but with the inexorable slowness of a glacier. And it wasn’t difficult to figure out why.

“We took too long. The Buster Call is here,” Nami concluded grimly.

“Bit more than a Buster Call, kiddies,” Kokoro noted as she yanked the cork of a bottle out with her teeth. “Check it out.”

As if on cue, a cascade of golden light burst forth from the crack in the doors, causing the pirates to yelp and shield their eyes.

“What the heck?” Nami yelped.

_“Ohhhh SHIT!”_ Cross roared, his voice dripping with terror.

“What is that, Granny?” Chimney asked in awe.

“Engrave this moment into your minds, kids,” Kokoro chuckled melancholically as she poured her drink into her mouth. “Fleet Admiral Sengoku has come down to greet you himself. This here’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Or, well…” She shrugged indifferently. “The last moment of our lives, more like it. Either or.”

“We’re gonna die, we’re gonna die, we’re gonna diiiiie…” Usopp whimpered in a half-conscious rerun.

“For once, Usopp? I’m inclined to agree with you,” Sanji muttered as he pinched his cigarette in place. “The Saint of Justice Sengoku himself… shit has just _escalated.”_

“While this is definitely a problem, I think there’s one other thing we need to address first,” Zoro said grimly, before snapping a furious expression at Kokoro and her family. “WHERE THE HELL DID YOU THREE COME FROM?"

Kokoro responded with a flat expression. “Is this _really_ the time?”

_“NOT EVEN REMOTELY!”_ Cross bellowed over their connection before anyone could say anything else. _“SOUNDBITE, HOW MANY SHIPS ARE WITH HIM?”_

**“Ah… I’LL BE HONEST…”** The baby snail started sweating bullets. “I DON’T HAVE A CLUE. **_The armada goes beyond MY RANGE AT_** _ABOUT THIRTY SHIPS OR SO.”_

_“FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!”_

_“Just to confirm,”_ Boss said with more hesitation than he’d ever shown in his entire time on the crew. _“We don’t stand half a chance at fighting that many guys, do we?”_

_“Conshidawing how theyah all fwom Mawine HQ?”_ Carue deadpanned before bursting into laughter. _“HAHAHAHAHA_ NO. _Not even with Wuffy’s schtupidwy high combat wevels.”_

**“Especially** **_not with Luffy’s help_ ****,”** Soundbite groaned miserably. _“UNLESS I MISS my guess?_ **GARP THE HERO has also** COME OUT TO PLAY.”

Kokoro froze in place, her bottle cracking slightly in her grip. “…Okay, that’s just _cheating.”_

_“…Right, it’s official,”_ Cross concluded in a strained tone of forced calm. _“Matters have just left pear-shaped and escalated to the eldritch topographies of a taco warping through a tesseract.”_

_That_ managed to snap Nami out of her stupor. “Cross!” she barked. “Snap out of it! You’re our tactician, you’re the one who handles our plans! Get your head back in the game and tell us what we need to do! _That’s an order!”_

Cross jumped in shock before slowly nodding. _“T-The Gate! We need to get to the controls of the Gates of Justice and lock them shut! T-The gatehouse is on our side, if we can shut the Gates and destroy the controls, the armada’ll be trapped in the Tub Current, and by the time they get around the Gates, we’ll be long gone!”_

“That’s perfect!” Nami smiled in relief. “Alright, where are the gate controls?”

_“Ah… Ah! I got it! They’re somewhere in the—”_

**_BOOM!_ **

“The hell—!?” Zoro cursed, looking around in confusion as an explosion rang through the air. “Cannon fire? But the Gates aren’t open enough yet!”

“OOOOH NOOOO!” Usopp shrieked fearfully as he pointed out over the water. “LOOK! THE BRIDGE!”

The rest of the invaders followed the sniper’s gaze to where, indeed, a good section of the Bridge of Hesitation was crumbling, and where a gun emplacement on one of the battleships flanking said bridge had smoke streaming out of its barrels.

“Looks like the Marines’ gun crews decided to stay behind on their ships…” Kokoro nervously observed.

_“…Third Pillar,”_ Cross finished weakly. _“The controls are on the Third Pillar… and we’re now trapped on the Second and First. We… can’t close the Gates… can’t stop him from coming through…”_

_“…we just_ lost,” Su summarized quietly.

The cloud fox’s defeated voice managed to snap something in Nami’s mind, drawing a determined scowl onto her face. “Oh, the _hell_ we did,” she hissed as she started fiddling with the straps over her chest. “Soundbite, where are the controls?”

**_“The hell are you—?”_ **

_“Now!”_ the Navigator snapped.

**“GAH! W-WEST SIDE,** **_TOP FLOOR!”_ **

“Got it,” Nami nodded. She then unslung her Waver, from her back, unfolded it and mounted the seat, revving its Dial Engine in preparation as she scrutinized the agitated waters. “I’ll get over there and flip that switch in a minute flat!”

_“EH!?”_ the rest of the Straw Hats exclaimed in shock.

“Nagagaga, you _do_ realize that this is a suicide mission, right?!” Kokoro scoffed incredulously. “Those whirlpools are ship-killers under normal circumstances, but the fact that the Gates are opening is only disrupting things further!”

Sanji glanced fearfully between the bridge and the Navigator before shaking his head in denial. “N-Nami-swan, you can’t go out there!”

The second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates narrowed her eyes. _“Watch me.”_

And before the cook could stop her, she yanked on her Waver’s accelerator and blasted off into the froth of Enies Lobby’s rear entrance.

Within a second, the sheer difficulty of the task became clear: For all her bravado, the massive whirlpools and the subsequent ripples and waves had her fighting not to keel over from the moment she hit the waters. Nami grit her teeth as she fought to keep her balance. “Ugh… rough waters, typical of Grand Line storms,” she muttered to herself. “Conflicting currents, rip tides galore… this would sink any experienced navigator in the best of ships within seconds…”

As if on cue, the sea suddenly surged up and disgorged a wave three times Nami’s height.

Nami didn’t miss a beat as she ripped up the inside of the surge and burst over the top, sticking the landing without a flinch. She felt her blood start to race, a grin of primal joy crossing her face. “Good thing I’m more than just experienced. I’m the _best_ , damn it!”

And so it was that she continued rocketing towards the third pillar, unfazed by the currents and waves and far too fast for anyone on or beside the bridge to take a shot at her. At least, not if they wanted to hit anything besides ocean. As she approached the structure, the currents started to even out, allowing her to loose one hand from the Waver’s handles and grasp at her Clima-Tact.

What happened next occurred in the space of _seconds._ A few feet from the pillar proper, Nami swung her staff out and let fly a mass of Eisen Clouds that formed themselves into a ramp leading up the stonework. Then, the second the ramp was complete, she gritted her teeth in concentration and pushed the Dial engine to its maximum throttle.

For the second time in her life, the resulting speed and force born from the Jet Dial’s full power managed to overpower gravity and propel Nami up the sheer wall of the pillar. Granted, the Jet Dial only had enough force and power to keep Nami glued to the wall for a few seconds before it died down, but those seconds were all the time she needed to reach an opening.

Once she was just below the window, Nami snapped the segments of her Clima-Tact around so that they were doubled up and then tossed them ahead of her. The blast of the Cyclone Tempo launched her out from the wall, but before she could go too far, she caught the batons as they boomeranged back and snapped out the section with the Eisen Dial, an arm of iron clouds shooting out at the pillar.

One swift jerk of her fingers was all it took to reel the arm in and ram Nami through the window Waver-first, granting her access to the gatehouse in a shower of broken glass that drew the attention of the small group of Marines—eight, to be exact—stationed within.

The second the Waver’s wheel touched down on the floor, Nami accelerated again and ran down half of them in a semi-controlled charge before swerving to bleed her momentum off and bring herself to a halt.

Then, without missing a beat, she leapt off her mount and pounced on the nearest Marine, lashing out with her fully extended Clima-Tact. A strike to the gut got one doubled over enough for her to ram her knee into his forehead. From there, a spin of her staff forcefully disarmed the two who’d managed to draw their guns, and a firm smack against each of their temples disoriented them enough for her to flip them off their feet.

The last of them, on the other hand, had enough sense to go for his blade and managed to draw it before Nami could stop him. He tried to cleave her head in two with an overhead swing, but Nami caught the attack with her staff and diverted it appropriately before spinning around him so that she was squarely in his blind side. The soldier tried to spin around to keep track of her, but that just gave Nami the angle she needed to ram her elbow into his jaw and knock his brain for a loop. She followed up with a fist to his nose, which laid him out flat.

The navigator took a moment to get her breath back before lashing her heel out with a grunt of exertion and kicking the _blatantly_ obvious lever in the room into the opposite of its current position.

Nami took a moment to let a sense of victory wash over her as the mechanisms in the room spun and a bone-rattling CLUNK shook the air around her.

Then she had to take a _minute_ to keep from pissing herself when the world and her very existence were rattled by an impossibly loud bellow of **_“DAMN IT!”_**

Nami remained frozen for a while longer in the tense silence before shivering. _“So_ happy that we have a literal mountain of metal between him and us,” she muttered to herself. She spared just enough time to frisk the unconscious Marines before blasting out a few bolts of lightning at several important-looking parts of the gate mechanism, before turning towards the direction she _knew_ was south, positioning her staff again—

“Cyclone Tempo!”

And blasting the poor, doomed wall into pieces. Nodding contentedly as sunlight streamed through the hole, she formed another ramp, this one better defined than the last, before re-mounting her Waver, taking careful aim and gunning the engines. With a renewed roar and a burst of hyper-pressured air, the cloud-scooter shot up the ramp and launched her through the air.

Fifteen seconds later, she stuck the landing on the larger remaining portion of the Bridge and skidded to a halt before her stunned crewmates.

Nami propped her fist on her hip as she adopted a smirk. “So,” she purred. “How’d I do?”

The memory of Cross and Soundbite’s jaws all but cracking the Bridge as they unhinged would be one that would stay with Nami for the rest of her life.

**-o-**

“I… bu-but… y-y-you… a-and the… with… my… you…”

Obviously, it was taking a not-insignificant amount of effort to restart my brain after _that._ Curb-stomping Kalifa as I knew that she had—not so much as a scratch!—was one thing, but _that?_

“Abuh… that… and then… COULD SOMEBODY HIT ME PLEASE!?” I finally yelled out.

_THWACK!_

“Thank you!” I nodded gratefully to Vivi as I rubbed the spot she’d clocked before refocusing on Nami. “And _you!_ What the shit was that!?”

Nami chuckled and shrugged casually, looking infinitely calmer than I had ever seen her. “Kalifa tried using her powers directly on my brain to wash my mind away, but instead she washed away a lifetime’s worth of stress. And I guess it just made me a lot less hesitant about doing things, y’know?”

I goggled at her for a moment more, then blinked. “Uh… does that mean you don’t feel like hitting me?”

Nami scrutinized me for a moment, and then shrugged as she looked back at our opponents. “Eh, for now, anyway. But at the moment!” She grinned eagerly as she popped a thumbs-up. “Now that the Gates are closed and the Marines can’t get to us, how do we—?” She trailed off as she noticed our hesitant expressions. “…what?”

**“Yeeeaaah, see…** ** _that’s the thing,”_** Soundbite hedged uncomfortably as he gestured with his eyestalk.

Nami slowly turned her head, and promptly winced at what she saw. “…so, some got through, huh?” she said as she observed the titanic silhouettes that were steadily approaching us.

“The vanguard, to be specific,” Boss chuffed as he exhaled a menacing cloud. “That Sengoku fella must _really_ want our heads, because those ships slipped through as soon as there was enough space, and another got its prow crunched trying to go through when you closed it.”

“Just how many _are_ there?” Franky muttered as he thumbed his sunglasses onto his brow.

_“Ten in all, carrying ten thousand, four-hundred and twenty soldiers in total,”_ Soundbite provided grimly. _“In command are Vice Admirals Strawberry, Yamakaji, Doberman, Onigumo—”_

“And Momonga,” I muttered out under my breath. “The usual suspects… tch…” I then raised my voice as I addressed everyone present. “I suggest that you all get ready, it looks like we’re going to be facing the Buster Call after all.”

A shiver of fear ran through everyone as they exchanged nervous glances.

I then deepened my scowl as another thought came to me, and I looked up and _past_ the approaching assault force. “Of course,” I growled grimly. “That’s only until the rest of the Marines on the other side of the Gates manage to force them open.”

_That_ got everyone to stare at me in shock.

“W-What!?” Nami stammered. “Cross, are you insane?! Those Gates are at least a dozen times bigger than the rest of Enies Lobby put together! Even with Sengoku with them—!”

_SKRANG!_

We all jumped as a sound akin to an off-kilter gong vibrated throughout the air. We all looked around in confusion for the source of the noise before freezing as one as we noticed it.

Specifically, as we noticed the presence of a fist-imprint the size of a _mountain_ in the, to reiterate, _flag-emblazoned metal horizon._

“…Right, what was I thinking? This is the Fleet Admiral of the Marines we’re talking about,” Nami chuckled hysterically.

“I… don’t actually believe that that was Sengoku, Nami…” Robin whispered hoarsely.

Silence reigned for several seconds before Nami managed to force something out. “…eh?”

“Unless I miss my guess… that is the handiwork of Garp the Hero, also known as Garp the Fist.”

“Ah… so, then—?”

**_SKRAAAAANG!_ **

This time, not only did we actually _reel_ from the vibration striking us with a slap of air, but we didn’t even need to try looking for the source.

After all, we’d have to be blind to miss the island-sized palm imprint slightly buckling one of the Gates inwards.

“…now, _that_ looks like something Sengoku would do,” Robin concluded lamely.

I silently observed the imprints for a second before cracking my neck to the side. “Well!” I snorted. “At least they’re going out of their way to keep things _interesting.”_

My crewmates simultaneously snapped incredulous looks at me, before each heaving weary sighs of defeat.

“Ugh. Ooof course, we should have known that it couldn’t just be as ‘easy’ as beating all these reinforcements, _or_ the expected ten battleships,” Vivi bit out as she worked her way to her feet, her words contrasting the wry smile she was sporting. “So, great tactician… what’s the strategy here?”

I took a few moments to run the situation through my head before nodding. “Well, first—!”

_KABOOM!_

I jumped when a massive explosion rang out, and a glance to the side revealed a plume of smoke to be rising from the waterfront, right… where the _seastone fence was SHIT!_

“They’re already starting their bombing run, damn it!” I cursed before snapping a look at Soundbite. “Connect me to the guys still at the Tower, now!”

_“—DANCING ACROSS THE STARRY SKY COULD NOT BE AS MAGNIFICENT AND ELEGANT AS NAMI—!”_

“Less singing her praises, more _watching your heads!”_ I barked urgently.

Sanji blinked in confusion. _“Wha—?”_

**_BOOM!_ **

…I know. I know that I’ve said it a dozen times before, but you really can’t understand just how much it bears repeating: the manga and anime could not and did not measure up to reality. Only this time… I didn’t feel awe. Or at least, I didn’t feel a _positive_ kind of awe. Because really, the sight of half of a thirty-story-tall skyscraper crumpling like a soda can before falling into the abyss… what else could that kind of an image evoke apart from a stab of awe-inducing despair?

Once the remains of the building fell out of sight, all that remained was an all-devouring silence.

“T-The Tower of Justice…” Conis whispered numbly. “It’s… It’s _gone…”_

“What the _hell_ is this?” Lassoo breathed, his lazy demeanor replaced with sheer incredulity.

“ _Endgame_ ,” I bit out before addressing Soundbite. “You guys alright?”

_“I see a field, a beautiful field filled with golden flowers… Oh, and there’s my mother, waving for me to come join her…”_

_“Usopp’s dead on his feet, but other than that, we’re fine,”_ Zoro replied. _“We’re lucky they didn’t aim lower.”_

“Oooh, trust me, they will,” I growled venomously as I eyed the ever-advancing fleet of doom. “Look, we’re out of time and options, you guys need to get your asses into the tunnel and make your way to the bridge, ASAP!”

_“But wait, what about Lucci?!”_ Sanji demanded. _“Luffy’s still fighting him, right? How are we—?”_

“It’ll handle itself!” I interrupted. “Look, you guys trust me, right?”

_“Duh.”_

_“No shit, shit-brain.”_

_“Hello mother, how have you—OW!_ _Ah, sorry, what did he—? WHAT!? NOT ON YOUR LI—OW! Ergh, I mean yes, fine, I trust you too! Only once in a blue moon, but still.”_

“Then trust me now,” I said patiently. “Just go down the passage and you’ll get here safe and sound. Got it?”

_“…I’ll lead the way. Stay on my ass, mosshead.”_

_“Cram it and walk, curly.”_

_“I still don’t like—! OW! STOP SLAPPING ME, DAMN IT!”_

_“Nagagaga! This crew just keeps getting more and more interesting!”_

_“They’re really scary, but really fun!”_

_“Really, really fun!”_

“Oi, hagfish!” I hastily added. “I’m trusting my friends with you, got that? Get them back here safe and sound, you hear?”

_That_ brought Kokoro up short. She blinked in stunned confusion for a second before cackling louder than ever. _“NAGAGAGAGAGAAAAA! You’re a truly terrifying individual, Jeremiah Cross! I’m glad I’m on your side! Don’t worry, you’ll see them alive… though no promises on quality of life, if you know what I mean.”_

“Meh,” I waved my hand casually. “What the hell do I care if they have a little bit of trauma banging around in their skulls? Give ‘em hell, lady!”

_“Can do!”_

_“Wait, ‘hell!?’_ _What the hell are you planning, Cro—!?”_

**“Talk later!** ** _RUN NOW!_** **BYE-BYE!”** Soundbite crowed before cutting the connection.

“Alright, alright…” I scratched the back of my neck as I wracked my brains. I _could_ lower the interdiction field, tell the people at the courthouse to—no, easy money that they were high-tailing it already, they didn’t need my help. And if I tried piping in with Luffy, I’d be more of distraction than anything, so that only left…

“Alright, everyone, listen up!” I barked as I clapped my hands together and wrung them nervously. “As of this moment, we are entering into a war of attrition. These bastards are going to come down on our heads with everything that they have in an effort to break us, but no matter what, we _have_ to hold out. Kick, scratch, bite, what the hell ever, I don’t give a damn. Right now, our only priority is to survive until Luffy beats Rob Lucci—and he _will_ beat Rob Lucci.” I shot the last bit at down at the transceiver with extra emphasis before continuing. “Once Luffy wins, we’ll be free and clear to get the hell out of dodge and leave this hellhole in the dust!”

“And how the hell are we going to be doing _that_ , Cross?” Franky demanded incredulously. “They’ve cut us off from the only other ship here, and you already pointed out we can’t commandeer a battleship! I don’t want to sound like I’ve given up, but right now, I’d say we’re _SUPER!_ screwed!”

Honestly… I knew how Franky felt. How could I not? Battleships bearing down on us, certain death _literally_ knocking at our doorstep. Honestly, it was an impossible situation.

But in spite of all that impossibility… I smiled. A genuine smile, not the least bit strained or mischievous, and that in and of itself seemed to unnerve everyone more than one of my typical smiles would.

And as for why I smiled, well… quite simply, I smiled because I had an image in my head. An immutable image that I had memorized and taken to heart, that I’d been expecting and dreading in equal measure since I’d arrived in this world. I had an image of hope, and so long as I had that image, _I would not admit defeat._

I would not do her the disservice of failing her by falling before she arrived.

“We are getting out of here,” I stated proudly.

“Cross—!” Nami started.

_“We are getting out of here,”_ I re-emphasized, pumping as much power and conviction into the words as I could. “I realize that things look bad, that matters have escalated to the point of no return, I do, but I promise you.” I made a point of looking everyone in the eye as I spoke. “Each and every one of you, from the bottom of my heart, I swear to you, _we will leave this place._ We just need to stand strong, stand firm and _stay alive._ Once Luffy wins, once the time arrives…” I held up my fist and clenched it firmly. “We are going to leave this place _and never come back._ And when we do, everyone on the planet will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we, the Straw Hat Pirates, fought the Marines, fought the _World itself,_ and _won._ So,” I spread my arms invitingly. “I ask you: Who’s with me?”

There was a moment of silence as everyone glanced at one another, but I eventually received a reply in the form of a scattered blanket of affirmatives.

Well, that wouldn’t do at all, would it?

“I don’t think you all heard me. I SAID, _WHO THE_ _HELL’S WITH ME!?”_ I roared as I pumped my fist in the air.

“YEAH!” most everyone else roared vigorously as they mirrored my motion.

“Good.” My smile wavered slightly as I looked around. “Because it’s crunch time.”

And indeed it was. While three of the battleships were splitting away and undoubtedly headed for the train station and four were moving to encircle the island proper, the remaining three battleships were slowly but steadily approaching the Bridge of Hesitation and moving to encircle us.

While everyone prepared themselves for battle, I took a moment to glance at what was once Enies Lobby, and I shivered. If the Gates of Justice engulfed one horizon in metal and justice, then the Buster Call was slowly but steadily consuming the other in fire and devastation. It was, to paraphrase Rowling… incredible. Horrific, terrifying and downright sickening, true enough, but there was no other word for the sheer scale than truly incredible.

Hell, the constant bombardment almost managed to cover up the impacts of Garp and Sengoku’s systematic blows on the gates, the rolling rumble of cannon fire shaking me to my—

Wait… shaking!

_Oh, fuck._

I hastily ran over to Robin, dropping down to my knees so that I was on her level and grabbing her wrists, dragging her arms away from her temples and forcing her to lock her eyes with mine.

“Robin, _Robin!”_ I barked shaking her slightly in an effort to focus her gaze. “Look at me, _look at me,_ Robin! Don’t look at that, don’t listen to it, ignore it. Look at me, alright? Look at _us._ This isn’t that place, Robin. _This isn’t that place._ This will not be like then. You’re not alone, remember? You’re with your friends now, and they are not hurting us; every shot they take is only hurting themselves. We’re here, Robin. We’re all here, every last one of us, _and we are not going anywhere, do you hear me?”_

For a single terrifying second, I didn’t think I’d managed to pull it off. For a second, all I saw was a little girl shivering in terror and with fire reflected in her eyes. But then she was gone and Robin was back. She was back, and she was smiling and… well, I just couldn’t help myself.

“There it is.”

That drew Robin up short, prompting her to blink in confusion. “Huh?”

I hesitated for a moment before shrugging casually and donning a slight grin. “A smile worth fighting for.”

Robin stared at me with wide eyes before hiccupping up a laugh and lightly knocking her forehead against mine. “Never change, Cross,” she whispered. “Never, never change.”

I breathed a sigh of relief as I leaned my forehead back. “Not on your life.”

We held the position for a bit until I felt the rumblings get closer, at which point I patted her shoulder and drew back. “Now, come on…” I drew Lassoo and held him at ready as I stood up and held my hand out to her. “Let’s go and give 'em hell.”

Robin nodded proudly as she took my hand and pulled herself to her feet. “Let’s.”

Sadly, while I talked a big game and while I did feel relatively confident, the fact is that anyone would have felt some doubt looming over them in response to the mass of Marines lining up on the titanic battleships’ railings, all ready and raring to charge us.

As we waited, I noticed a certain absence and sent a curious glance Soundbite’s way. “Hey… you’ve been quiet for a while now. Any reason for that?”

Soundbite glanced nervously back at me before darting his eyes away. _“Just… looking for something_ APPROPRIATE TO SAY, _YOU KNOW?”_

“Ah, right…” I nodded slowly. “Fair enough. You manage to come up with anything?”

Soundbite’s eyes swept the oncoming military titans with a heavy gulp. **“How about…** **_today is a good day to die?”_**

I felt a pit open in my gut at the sound of _him_ of all people saying that, but for the life of me I couldn’t bring myself to refute it. “Yeah… I guess that that fits…”

“Ah, I'm sorry, Cross?” I blinked in confusion as Conis spoke up and got my attention. “I realize that you’re having a conversation, but do you mind if I may say something in response to that?”

“Uh…” I shared a confused glance with Soundbite before shrugging helplessly. “Yeah, I guess? What is it?”

Conis nodded gratefully, before adopting a grim glare and leveling her bazooka at the enemy. “ _Fuck_ that,” she spat venomously. “It’s a good day for _someone else_ to die.”

I swear to God that the world itself fell silent at that little display.

And in that silence, I took the time to think.

“…”

“Do you think he’s gonna?” Su asked curiously.

I thought about how far we’d come, not just from Water 7 to here but from the _East Blue_ all the way to here, to this very place.

“…pf.”

“Yup, he’s gonna!” Boss confirmed with a guffaw.

“Honestly, did you expect anything else from him?” Vivi said, shaking her head with a wistful grin.

I thought about what we’d managed to accomplish, I thought about the consequences that resulted from those accomplishments.

_“Pffff…”_

“Good gwief…” Carue groaned as he slammed a wing to his face.

“Never thought I’d get to experience this firsthand!” Franky laughed as he put his fists up. “Today really is a _super_ day!”

And I thought about the fact that we were about to meet that force head on, with only the strength of our bodies and our backs to support us under the weight of the onslaught.

_“PFFFFFFF…!”_

“And in five, four, three, two,” Nami counted down fondly as she spun her staff and clouds at her side.

In light of these thoughts, in light of this power and danger, in light of absolutely everything that had occurred over the course of the past twenty-four hours and six months alike…

What other option did I have…

_“PFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!”_

But to throw my head back and _roar_ with gut-rattling laughter.

“PFFHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHA!” I cackled hysterically. “YEAH, CONIS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA! FUCK THAT NOISE! FUCK DYING, FUCK THE BUSTER CALL, FUCK THE MARINES! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY!?”

I swung Lassoo up and _delighted_ in the terror that suddenly appeared in the eyes of the Marines who I was aiming at.

_“Fuck it all,”_ I whispered rapturously.

And with that, I pulled the trigger, and the world went straight to hell.

**-o-**

“Come on, guys!” ‘Black Bart’ Bartolomeo roared as he pumped his fist. “I realize that this is scary as all shit, but think about it! At best, this is going to make us even _more_ infamous! And at worst… well, I say that if we’re going down, we do our damnedest to sure that this bitch never forgets us in the process! No matter what happens, _let’s make our names live on!_ A’RIGHT!?”

“AYE!” bellowed the Barto Club. All were assembled ready to fight, with only Valentine absent due to her… ‘current condition’. All stood ready as the massive twin serpents and the ship they tugged drew near, and all tensed as it stopped beside the Cannibal.

“Alright, everyone…” Bartolomeo shot his fist forward with a roar. “CHA—!”

“Love-Love Beam.”

A wave of presence swept over the deck of the Cannibal, and as a result the vast majority of the Barto Club Pirates literally froze as they were transmogrified into stone.

“—AR—eh?” Bartolomeo paused in place, blinking in confusion as he tried to process what had just happened. And as he succeeded in doing so, his jaw promptly dropped to the deck. “Oh, _fuck me.”_

“Well, this isn’t good…” Miss Goldenweek muttered as she poked at Mr. 5’s mineral forehead.

“I’m too young to die!” Apis yelped as she flung her arms around her dragon’s neck, a motion that Lindy mimicked fearfully.

“Well, well, _well.”_

The pirates all froze as a cool voice that absolutely _demanded_ their attention spoke up, and slowly they turned their attention to the enemy ship.

The Pirate Empress Boa Hancock tossed her hair in a haughty manner as she strode onto the deck of the Cannibal, flanked on both sides by a pair of _titanic_ snake-Zoans in their hybrid forms. “I will admit, Captain Bartolomeo,” she drawled imperiously. “At first, I was… _annoyed_ when the World Government laid the ultimatum before me that I would have to put an effort into attempting to eliminate you and your crew, but now I actually find myself to be quite thankful for this turn of events. After all…” She swept a droll look over the surviving crewmates. “It’s not every day that someone manages to evade the effects of my Love-Love Fruit.”

The Warlord proceeded to cast her head back, _waaay_ back as she looked ‘down’ upon the pirates. “Tell me the secrets of how you resisted my unparalleled beauty, and I shall make your deaths… _painless.”_

“Otherwise…” Boa Marigold hissed as she slithered across the deck and flanked the pirates. “We’ll be the ones to kill you instead.”

“Trust us,” Boa Sandersonia snickered sadistically as she mirrored her serpentine sister, picking up a stray barrel with her tail as she went. “It will be slow…” She then squeezed her tail and gradually squeezed the barrel to matchsticks. “And it will be nothing short of _agony.”_

After a minute of hesitant silence, Miss Goldenweek shrugged slightly. “I hypnotize people via a specific painting design I discovered combined with different colors. People are forced to feel whatever emotions the colors signify once it’s attached. One of my techniques is known as Colors Trap: Tranquil Green.” She jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. “And I had it tattooed on my back some time ago, to help me with my focus. Green is a secondary color and is only surpassed by Terror White, which can surpass all other colors, and the primary colors of Rage Red, Sadness Blue, and Laughter Yellow, and even then, only when they’re overwhelming. Lovesick Pink is a tertiary color. With Tranquil Green permanently affecting my emotions, I’m largely immune to such feelings.”

“… Wait, you mean to say that you fuckin’ _hypnotically_ _castrated_ yourself?” Bartolomeo demanded incredulously.

“What can I say?” Goldenweek shrugged indifferently as she drew a rice cracker from her bag and started into it. “Emotions are a hindrance, and I am nothing if not a professional.”

“…right…” Hancock finally stated uncomfortably before shifting her attention to Apis. “And you, child? And your pet as well, seeing as my powers work even upon the non-human.”

The Whisper-Girl flinched slightly at the attention before scratching her cheek uncomfortably. “Ah… w-well… honestly, the only thing I can think of is that I’m _ten._ I, ah…” She shrugged helplessly. “I don’t really _think_ about stuff like that yet, you know? And you’re too scary for the more, uh…”

“Platonic forms of love?” Miss Goldenweek helpfully supplied.

“Yes? I think?” Apis nodded hesitantly before continuing. “And as for Lindy, well…” She looked up at the dragon in askance, blinking in confusion. “Ah… I don’t really get it, but according to him, ‘there is no human alive who could possibly comprehend my sexual preference’, whatever that means.”

Hancock blinked in surprise and eyed the dragon curiously before shivering as it adopted an indecipherable leer. “Understandable…” she muttered nervously. She then regained her posture as she shifted her glare onto Bartolomeo. “And what of you, ‘Black Bart’? What is _your_ excuse?”

The fresh attention towards him served to snap Bartolomeo out of the awkward surprise that his unaffected crewmates had provoked. He took in the sight of his crew, _his_ crew, reduced to the statue section of a garden store, and slowly bowed his head, his fists clenched at his sides. “Your powers… they depend on someone being attracted to you, huh?” the shark-toothed man muttered grimly. “Then… I guess that it’s too bad for you; there’s only one person in the world that I’ll ever admire or view with awe, and it ain’t you.”

Hancock cocked an eyebrow in vague disinterest. “Oh? Is that so?”

“Yeah… yeah, it is…” Bartolomeo slowly let a lunatic’s grin split his face. “Y’know… it sucks balls that I’m gonna die here, it really fuckin’ does, but the truth is? I really can’t find it in me to give a rat’s ass. Why you ask?” The light around Bartolomeo’s arms warped and shifted, snapping into a pair of barriers as he snapped a vicious leer at Hancock. “I wound up in this situation for that person’s sake, and if it were all in their name, then I would _gladly_ do it all the fuck over again!”

Before anyone could react, Bartolomeo loosed a howl ripped straight from the very bottom of his soul and charged at Hancock.

“FOR THE NEXT KING OF THE PIRATES!” Bartolomeo roared as he took a flying leap at her, arm cocked back for the mother of all haymakers. _“FOR STRAW HAT LUFFY!_ BARRIER-BAR—!”

In a blur of motion, Hancock’s hand snapped out and grabbed Bartolomeo out of the air by his throat as though he were a passing pigeon.

“—GWAGH!” Bartolomeo gagged as he scrabbled at the iron-hard fingers that were throttling him. “Y-You damn bi—!”

**“Be quiet.”**

Any motion on the deck of the ship snapped to an immediate halt as everyone, save for the snake Zoans, stared at Hancock in terror.

And for good reason, too: The Pirate Empress’s expression had morphed itself into a mask of authority that was practically gorgonian in nature, her terrible beauty untarnished, but a semblance of some great predator permeating her countenance.

Bartolomeo got it worst of all. For a single second, he swore that he might as well have been a tiny, insignificant rat, clutched in the coils of a world-encompassing serpent, whose fangs were about to devour him whole.

**“Explain what you meant,”** she intoned frigidly. **“When you said that you did this for Luffy.”**

Bartolomeo swallowed heavily around the vice grip on his throat, and just as he opened his mouth to answer her—

“Ahhhh, now _that_ was a good nap!”

All attention on the deck shifted again, this time to where a door in the Cannibal had opened and a thoroughly refreshed-looking Miss Valentine had stepped out onto the deck. “Sorry about earlier, everyone, I just got a bit overwhelmed, is all!” She grinned happily. “Turns out, all I needed to get my head back together was some time to cool down! I’m much… bet… ah…”

The ex-assassin trailed off as her eyes swept over the deck. Her petrified crewmates, the enemy ship with the easily recognizable flag next to the vessel, the Warlord of the Seas holding her captain at her mercy…

She was _about_ to say something…

“Hi, there!”

When the grinning face of one of the massive serpent-Zoans onboard suddenly filled her vision.

“My name’s Boa Sandersonia!” the Amazon stated pleasantly. “It looks like there’s a good chance our crews are gonna become friends! Do you think you could point me to your storeroom? We left Amazon Lily in a hurry to hunt you guys down, so I’m parched!”

Valentine blinked slowly as she processed the words before an utterly broken smile plastered itself upon her face and she fell backwards, her body blissfully fluttering to the ground.

Sandersonia blinked in surprise before shooting a sheepish smile at the rest of the people present. “IIII think I might have broken her. Sorry?”

“Meh, it’s not your fault,” Goldenweek droned as she bit into a rice cracker. “She's had a rough few hours.”

“I can only imagine…” Marigold muttered dryly as she watched her sister poke at the ex-assassin.

**-o-**

“Oooh my. They’re gettin’ quite worked up down there, aren’t they?”

These words, while drawled in a carefree manner and utterly innocuous in nature, were spoken by a rather unique individual.

Said individual was about fifteen feet in height, lanky in such a manner that he appeared both non-threatening and menacing, and was clad in a bright yellow striped suit.

Said individual was also standing on a relatively out-of-the-way part of the deck of a battleship that was over a mile out from Enies Lobby’s Bridge of Hesitation, observing the ongoing conflict with only the most wishy-washy kind of interest.

Said individual’s name and title were Admiral Borsalino, codename Yellow Monkey, ‘Kizaru’.

“Hooo…” the Admiral whistled appreciatively as a particularly sizeable explosion blossomed on the deck, downing about two or three dozen Marines at once. “They’re really givin’ it their all, huh? And they’re only Paradise pirates? Geeeze, this new generation is proving itself to be filled with nothing but the scariest of Monsters, ain’t it?”

“‘Monsters’? Pch, what, ya ain’t heard yet, Monkey-boy?”

Kizaru glanced over his shoulder and observed as another Marine, this one a Vice Admiral with a massive grin and a lit cigar, strode up to stand by him. “Hey, Yama.”

“There’s more than just ‘Monsters’ down there, Monkey,” Vice Admiral Yamakaji continued as he watched the fight. “Apparently, that there crew’s got its own fair share of ‘Demons’, too.”

“Hooo…” Kizaru shook his head slowly. “Monsters and Demons… what scary, scary people.”

“Yeah, some of the scariest.” Yamakaji’s grin widened slightly as he glanced up at the Admiral. “But you’re scarier than all of them, aintcha? Stronger too. You could end it all right now, couldn’tcha?”

“Hmm…” Kizaru hummed noncommittally for a moment as he scratched his five-o-clock shadow before nodding. “Yeah, that’s true.” He held up his palm towards the battlefield, the very center of his hand starting to glow. “I could wipe ‘em all away in the blink of an eye, the Bridge too…” He then shifted his fingers so that he was pointing a finger-pistol, the digit unerringly following Jeremiah Cross’s head across the distance as a bulb of light built up on the very tip. “Or I could just kill them all one by one, before they even knew what hit them…”

He then proceeded to lift his arm higher… and then used it to scratch behind his head with a sigh. “Buuut I dunno. That all seems like a lot of useless hassle. Why not just hang back and let the boys in white have their fun instead?”

Yamakaji shrugged indifferently as he chewed on his cigar. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Though really, if I was in yer shoes? I’d take the paperwork inta account.”

Kizaru blinked curiously as he glanced down at the Vice Admiral. “Paperwork? What of it?”

Yamakaji waved his hand through the air. “Eh, it’s just that I’ve always found after-action reports to take a lot less time than explanations for lack of activity, ‘s all. ‘Spose it don’t matter to you what with you havin’ light speed an’ all, but still, one has Sengoku pissed at you, the other don’t, ya know what I mean?”

The Admiral hummed thoughtfully, scratching his stubble as he considered the options. After a few seconds of thought, he sighed and his entire body started to glow. “I guess I might as well go down there and kill ‘em quickly then.”

A slightly predatory sheen crept into Yamakaji’s grin. “Sounds good ta me.”

**-o-**

“Hey, Soundbite? Remind me why you’re not acting like the ‘god of noise’ you apparently are and _blowing out all of these bastards’ eardrums!?”_ Nami demanded as she slammed a wave of Iron Cloud into a group of Marines.

**“You actually think** ** _that these shitstains ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP?_ **_Fat chance_ OF THAT!” Soundbite scoffed from a few meters away. _“THESE ARE THEIR CHUM._ **THE SECOND-STRINGERS, MEANWHILE,** _are waiting in the wings_ **for the order to knock** OUR BLOCKS OFF. **_I’ll blow my best_** _ONCE THEY BLOW THEIRS!”_

Nami frowned but conceded the point with a nod. Refocusing her attention on the fight at hand, she turned to lash out another wave of cloud and lightning before freezing in place.

The reason for the pirate’s sudden paralysis was due to the fact that, by virtue of necessity, Nami had become extremely competent in the practice of spotting even the smallest glint in her surroundings in her eight years of treasure hunting for Arlong. She had come to develop this unique skill for two separate reasons, one obvious and commonplace and one more… exclusive, for lack of a better word.

The obvious reason, of course, was that gold glinted and she couldn’t spare half a beri. The exclusive reason, however, was that after the first time she’d gotten a bullet in her leg from someone she couldn’t even see, she made damn sure there wouldn’t be a second.

So when Nami managed to catch sight of a glint flashing on a far-off battleship, she didn’t even hesitate to snap out as large a mirage as she could manage, hiding the entire side of the bridge facing the ship. “SNIPER, GET DOWN!” she screamed at the top of her lungs before throwing herself to the ground.

After taking a moment to catch her breath, Nami glanced up and towards the battleship with a scowl. “Now we just have to hope that that damn bastard doesn’t try again.”

**-o-**

Vice Admiral Yamakaji blinked in bemusement as he confirmed that _yes,_ an instant after Admiral Kizaru had shifted into pure light in order to transition to the Bridge, a second flash of light had shot _out_ from the Bridge and off to parts unknown.

Acting on a hunch, the Vice-Admiral drew a spyglass through his coat and peered through it, looking for… yes, that shimmer right there was _definitely_ the light-refracting natural phenomenon known as a mirage.

Which only meant one thing.

“Well, _shit,_ ” Yamakaji sighed wearily as he returned his spyglass to his coat. With great care, he extracted a Baby Transponder Snail and punched in a number. “Wonder where the hell he wound up this time… Fleet Admiral Sengoku? Now, I know that yer rather upset right now—”

**“Get to the point, Vice Admiral Yamakaji. In case you haven’t noticed?”**

**_SKRRRAAANG!_ **

The Vice Admiral shivered in terror as the next palm imprint appeared in the Gates, even deeper than the previous hits.

**“Nothing can make me angrier than I am now.”**

“Um, well then… I’m afraid that Admiral Kizaru forgot to look before he leapt in his… _eagerness_ to join the fightin’. As such, his attempt to utilize his Sacred Yata Mirror to reach the Bridge of Hesitation just went awry thanks to a, er…” The Vice-Admiral coughed into his fist. _“Unfortunate_ turn of events. In short, we, ah… have no idea where he is, but going by his angle I’d say… Admiral Kizaru is no longer anywhere near Enies Lobby.”

The barest moment of silence followed, and Yamakaji made the prudent decision to hang up his snail.

The silence stretched on for another couple of seconds. “Well, looks like he actually took that well after all,” the Vice Admiral mused to himself.

**_SKRONG!_ **

The Marine then jumped in shock when another impact sound rang out. Only this time, it was rounder than the others, and higher—?

Yamakaji swallowed heavily, his smile gone and cold sweat trailing down his forehead as he gnawed on his cigar. “I _really_ hope that you’re enjoying yourself wherever the hell you are, Kizaru,” he muttered. “Because when you get back, you’re gonna wish that you’d stayed.”

**-o-**

The Red Line: an insanely massive wall of stone that circumnavigated the world. Impossibly tall, impossibly wide and impossibly impassive. Over the timeless years of its existence, this geological marvel and nightmare had seen countless entities smash into its side and meet their doom, splattered over the unmoving stone.

Most of those entities, though, were such things as Sea Kings, ships, and Island Whales. Today may have been the first time a lone _person_ had tested their bodily integrity against the might of the Red Line.

“Note to self…” a pained voice wafted out of a newly formed and relatively large crater in the face of the continent. “First: Outlaw the presence of any mirrors or other reflective surfaces anywhere that I’m assigned. Second… _ooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww…”_

**-o-**

“Yow!” I yelped as a salvo of musket fire crackled through where my head had been a half-second prior. A series of explosions followed, from Lassoo if the recoil shaking my left arm was any indication, and I took the moment to process the situation we were in.

Honestly, it wasn’t nearly as bad as my near miss had just indicated. Between Nami’s area attacks, Robin littering the battleground with her arms, and Franky bull-rushing every big group that tried to form up with fists and cannon, the Marines attacking us had absolutely _no_ cohesion whatsoever. Instead, they were a mob, and not even a very big one, and we could handle a mob.

Case in point: as I stood up, three Marines were rushing me, two with cutlasses and one with a big iron club. Fortunately, they had strung themselves into a single-file line. I sidestepped the first sword swing, stamped on his foot, and Lassoo took the opportunity to chomp on his oversized nose. The second one hesitated since his buddy was in the way, but that just gave me time to let Lassoo toss the first Marine away and swing my baton upside his jaw, the impact lifting him an inch off the ground and the shock knocking him out.

That just left the third guy, and before either of us could even move another Marine flew from out of nowhere and knocked him into the water.

“Kill-stealer!” I shouted in Boss’s direction.

“Sorry!” the dugong shouted back, his tone and the glare Chopper was sending his way saying otherwise.

Huffing, I turned back towards the line, just in time to see a lightning bolt fry a group of Marines that were held in place by hands sprouting from the ground, and Franky using one especially large Marine as a club.

“Yeesh,” I muttered, shivering.

“The Straw Hats are tearing us apart!” I heard one Marine wail.

“That would imply you were putting up any resistance at all!” Su taunted as Conis pumped another grenade at one of the battleships’ crow’s nest.

“Would somebody shut that damn puffball up already!?” another soldier shouted.

**“OI!”** Soundbite barked indignantly. _“The only one who gets_ TO INSULT THE COTTONTAIL _IS ME!”_

“And she’s _my_ puffball in the first place!” Conis picked up.

“WELL, SHUT HER THE HELL UP, HER PISSY VOICE IS GIVING ME A DAMN MIGRAINE!”

“Better idea,” Conis snarled venomously. “Su, lower their morale!”

“Can do!” Su saluted before clearing her throat. “Attention, Marine dipshits! To clarify your current situation, the reason you are fighting against a crew that your bosses know you have little to no chance of defeating is that you are what is commonly referred to in the business as _fodder!_ For those of you who find the truth of your lot in life too disturbing to contemplate, I suggest that your next course of action be to curl up and kiss your asses goodbye!”

I promptly came to a halt as I exchanged a look with Soundbite. “Why the hell didn’t _we_ think of that?” I questioned incredulously.

**“Because we’re idiots…”** Soundbite lamented with a sigh before casting a glare over his shell. _“By the way,_ ON YOUR SIX.”

I promptly jerked my shoulder back, ramming Lassoo’s stock into the face of the Marine who’d thought it would be a good idea to try and get the drop on me. “Thanks. And I’m guessing that you’re not going to let Su take all the glory lying down?”

**_“NOT ON YOUR LIFE!”_ **A second after the proclamation, his telltale whine filled the air. _“Attention, Marine_ **pisswidgets! Allow me to OFFER SOME** ** _MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT FOR this shitshow!”_**

Following his proclamation, an electronic baseline started thumping against everyone’s ears. After a few seconds, Soundbite put an actual voice to the music. Suffice to say that the lyrics were…

_“When a fight is just plain wrong/We all sing the Curbstomp Song!”_

_Telling_ , to say the absolute least of matters.

I snickered as I literally watched the collective decorum of nearly all the Marines on the bridge _plummet._ “Anything for you but mindless good taste, eh?”

**“I AIM** ** _to please!”_** Soundbite confirmed with a cackle.

I smirked as I got back to the fighting, but my grin shrunk a bit as I glanced around uncertainly. We’d been going at it for a fair amount of time now, but nothing was really _changing._ At the moment, what I’d really give anything for would be some way of telling when in the timeline we were, but I suppose that was asking for a bit much, wasn’t—?

_BOOM!_

A ripple of shock ran across the bridge, along with a literal _tremor_ as a literally gigantic fist punched out the wall of the First Pillar.

I blinked in surprise as I watched the fist snap back into the tower and the smoke of an impact appear on a nearby battleship. “Well, that works as well as anything…” I muttered. I then grinned viciously as I watched a blur leap from the pillar towards the battleship and start _pummeling_ the vessel into splinters. “Soundbite, for the love of all that’s holy, _tell me_ you have a lock on Onigumo.”

“YOU BET YOUR _ASS I DO,”_ Soundbite leered sadistically. **“And I’m gonna** ** _let the world in on things,_** _because matters on his ship are_ ** _GETTING…_** **INTERESTING.”**

I grinned maliciously. Then, in a spark of inspiration, I reached into the bag at my side, felt around for the dial that controlled the dead zone, and spun it as far _counter-_ clockwise as it would go. And not a moment too soon:

_“—is fighting CP9’s Rob Lucci on battleship no. 4, identification BB-26! They’re—!”_ The soldier who was speaking winced as Luffy put his inflated fist through what I could only _assume_ was the ship’s powder room, going by the size of the explosion. _“They’re tearing the ship apart!”_

_“Hmph…”_ And going by the sneer that Soundbite was sporting, _that_ particularly pleasant-sounding individual was none other than Vice-Admiral Onigumo himself. _“If it’s Rob Lucci, then chances are he won’t die. And strong as Straw Hat might be, he doesn’t have Moonwalk.”_ There was a click of a transponder’s mic being picked up. _“All gunners, put vessel number 4 in your sights. Fire in five seconds.”_

The sheer matter-of-factness in the bastard’s voice as he condemned countless soldiers to a pointless demise sent shivers running up my spine, but I got one _hell_ of a thrill out of the fact that the entire _bridge_ froze as the announcement swept over them.

One soldier on Onigumo’s ship, however, was rather more animated. _“B-But Vice Admiral, sir!”_ the poor doomed man protested. _“Y-You can’t be serious! There a-are more than a thousand of our soldiers on that ship, if we—!”_

**_BLAM!_ **

The gunshot and subsequent death gurgle were audible in the near perfect silence.

_“Does anyone else,”_ Onigumo growled. _“Have a problem with doing whatever it takes to stop one of the world’s most dangerous criminals?”_

The silence that followed was _thoroughly_ telling.

_“That’s what I thought. All cannons fire at will.”_

**_KRAK-BOOM!_ **

The detonation of battleship no. 4 was _titanic,_ and observed by countless shell-shocked Marines at that.

“D-Did they just…?” a nearby soldier whispered.

**“Yeah, they did…”** Soundbite nodded solemnly, his eyes tracing a particular speck as it flew through the air and back to the bridge. _“And only two survivors at that. THAT WAS…”_ He shuddered in revulsion. “NOT FUN TO **LISTEN TO.** ** _At least they never knew WHAT HIT THEM.”_**

I snorted darkly as I tore my eyes away from the pillar and refocused on the Vice Admiral’s ship. “And neither will he.” I adopted a sadistic grin as the whine that pierced the air indicated that Soundbite had gotten my meaning. “Hey, Vice Admiral Onigumo! Do you mind if I quote you on that little line you used earlier, when you executed that Marine in cold blood?” I then made a show of slapping my own forehead. “Oh, wait, now I remember! We’re _live,_ so it’s a bit late to be asking that, huh? My bad!”

“SMILE, MORON! **_You’re on Candid Snail!”_ **Soundbite announced.

_“Jeremiah Cross,”_ Onigumo’s voice growled.

“That’s my name, I live to see the day that it’s worn out!” I mock-saluted. “And while I have you, would you care to share your rationalization for, well, you know, sacrificing an entire battleship _and the thousand lives still onboard it?”_ I prayed that the response I got would serve to bury the bastard.

_“Tch… ‘rationalization’?”_ And as the spider scoffed incredulously, it was clear that I would not be disappointed. “ _Why would I have to rationalize anything, you damn pirate? I had a clear shot at ending the life of a criminal and I took it. There was nothing wrong with my actions, it was simply common sense. So what if I had to sacrifice a few lives in the pursuit of it? Those men forfeited their lives in the name of Justice when they chose to take up our banner and they’ll serve it as the Navy sees fit. One way or another.”_

I positively _relished_ in the sight of several dozen Marines staring down at their uniforms in naked horror. Wondering how far I could push the buck, I tilted my head to the side as I took on an innocent expression. “Is that so? Well, I suppose that that makes _some_ measure of sense with your own soldiers, they knew they were possibly giving up their own lives.” I allowed a demonic grin to spread across my face. “But what about the lives of _civilians?”_

My heart soared as Soundbite’s secondhand scowl deepened…

**"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU DAMN SPIDER!"**

Before skipping a beat or three when a world-shaking roar erupted from the direction of the thoroughly pummeled Gates of Justice.

I shot a hopeful look at Soundbite once I managed to get my hearing back, but to my disappointment he shook his head with a grimace. “Damn gag orders…” I cursed under my breath before shaking my head. “Ah, well, it was worth a shot. At least we got _something_ out of that, neh?” I chuckled a bit before turning my attention to the still shell-shocked Marines around me. “And by the way, if anyone here feels like making a run for it, I’m sure that we can come to a—”

_“Dot dot dot dot!”_ Soundbite suddenly sounded out. **_“Helluva sense_** **OF—** _dot dot dot dot!—_ **TIMING!”**

“But it could be constructive,” I shrugged as I pressed the appropriate button. “You’re on the SBS, what’s—?”

_“HURK!”_ Soundbite’s head suddenly rocked forwards as he gagged on something.

“Soundbite! Crap, what’s—!?” My concern morphed into terror when my snail started coughing up _smoke._ “Oh, shit… oh shit shit _shit!”_ I hastily scrabbled for the button to hang up the call—!

And jerked back as the action produced a cloud of smoke and a faint sense of burning from the few nerve endings I had left in my hands.

**_“Let me be perfectly clear,”_** Soundbite rumbled murderously. **_“Any soldier who dares to take so much as a step back will be met with a firing squad upon their return to Marineford. And if you think for even a second that I will not find out the names of each and every last traitor to Justice?”_**

The heat _somehow_ coming off of Soundbite _tripled,_ to the point I could actually feel it radiating off of him. For the briefest of instants, so brief I’m still not sure I actually saw it, I got the impression of a volcano spewing lava and ash over the poor, defenseless countryside.

**_“THINK AGAIN.”_ **

And then the connection cut off and I was left shivering on the Bridge with a wheezing, still-warm snail on my shoulder.

It took me a second to get my bearings back, but once I did? I didn’t even need to turn around to know that every Marine on the bridge was shakily raising their weapons as they prepared to start fighting again.

“For the record…” I huffed regretfully. “I _do_ understand why you’re doing this, and I _do_ forgive you for it.”

Before any of the Marines could react, I snapped Lassoo up and squeezed off a trio of Cani-Cannonballs at them, the resulting blasts giving me a nice sizeable chunk of breathing room. I took the opportunity to drop Lassoo off my shoulder and jerk my head at the mob. “Buy me some space for a bit, would you, boy?”

The dachshund-cannon drew his hackles back in a savage grin. “With _pleasure.”_ And with that, he started belting out a barrage of firepower upon the Marines, keeping them well away from me.

Taking advantage of the small area of relative peace he was affording me, I hummed thoughtfully as I scratched my head and got my thoughts in order. “Alright, ship’s blasted, Luffy’s back on the pillar, which means…” I muttered under my breath where the SBS couldn’t hear me before snapping my fingers in realization. “The passage is flooded, good. So the guys should be getting here soon.” I frowned in realization as I glanced down at the water churning far below the Bridge. “Save that Kokoro got out on the _boat_ and in calm waters. Right now, we’re high up and the maelstroms are at full force.” I gnawed on my thumb as I glanced to the side. “I know that mermaids are good in the water, but can she really—?”

_SPLASH!_

I blinked in confusion as the sound of water splashing reached me. “Eh? The hell?” I looked downwards in confusion. “What the heck was—?”

A blur of motion and then—

“NAGAGAGAGA! MISS ME, BRAT?”

**_MY EYES!_ **

**_“OH, THE HUGE MANATEE!”_** Soundbite caterwauled as he snapped back into his shell.

_“IT BUUURNS!”_ I howled, falling back on my ass and clawing at my face in agony as I rolled back and forth on the bridge. “SOMEBODY GET ME SOME ACID, I NEED TO REMOVE MY EYES! _NOTHING CAN HURT MORE THAN THIS!”_

“Wha—? Aw, c’mon kid, you’re exaggerating! I know I’ve let myself go, but—!”

“Cross!” I dimly heard Conis call out and start to run over. “Are you al—AUGH!” She suddenly cut herself off with a terrorized scream. “THE HORROR! _THE HORROR!_ _THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!”_

“IT BURNS WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MERMAIDS BEING BEAUTIFUL!? _”_ Su wailed fearfully.

“YOU TRY PUSHING SIXTY AND HOLDING ONTO A SUPERMODEL BODY, WHY DON’T YOU!?” Kokoro snapped in an annoyed tone before shaking her head with an annoyed huff. “But fine, fine, I get the point, I’m putting my damn shirt back on! Tsk, damn kids, way to make a woman feel insecure! Be a bit more appreciative, why don’tcha! I saved your friends’ lives, you know!”

“We’d rather have drowned…” a trio of pained voices gurgled.

“But it’s not too late for the rest of us,” moaned… well, pretty much every Marine in earshot, many of which were looking longingly at the edges of the bridge.

“How could the very incarnation of a man’s romance have such a cruel reality?” one particular soldier lamented.

“OI, DON’T YOU DARE BESMIRCH MAN’S ROMANCES WITH YOUR LUST-ADDLED PERVERSIONS!” Boss snapped indignantly… though a second later he hissed uncomfortably. “Ah… though in this case, you _may_ have a point, yes.”

At that moment, I heard something that I hadn’t expected ever to hear:

“THAT DOES IT! MERMAID KICK!”

Kokoro shouting angrily. Apparently, there was only so much that she could take.

After a few deep breaths, I felt confident enough to open my eyes again, and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw the now-clothed Kokoro… though I then proceeded to gain a sweatdrop as I watched her punt around a dozen or two Marines with her yet-uncovered fin-feet. “OK… not something you see every day. Anyways, where was—?”

“CROSS!”

I abruptly found myself cowed beneath the wrath—and hovering sole—of an insanely furious chef.

“Why. Didn’t. You. Warn us?!” he snarled.

I stuttered for a moment as I _tried_ to think of a response that wouldn’t get me pasted into hamburger meat, and then I remembered something and gathered myself enough to reply evenly. “In lieu of answering that question, may I suggest that you turn your anger towards the Marines? Who, might I add, actually put a sizable scar on Vivi?”

As expected, that succeeded in redirecting his anger. He froze briefly, glanced at Vivi, who was remaining beside Carue and fending off anyone who attempted to come near, while simultaneously grimacing every time she strained her abdomen, before _slooowly_ turning his gaze to the nearby Marines.

I was then forced to scramble back a few feet when he was suddenly engulfed in a blaze of fire. **“They did** ** _WHAT?”_** an infernal voice rumbled.

I chuckled venomously as I waved goodbye at the pants-wettingly terrified soldiers nearby, before flinching back in terror myself when a flaming finger jabbed itself in my face.

**“This isn’t over, crap-mouth,”** Sanji warned me, his hellfire burning radiant in his eye as he shot off and started absolutely _tenderizing_ the opposition.

I swallowed heavily as I watched him go at it, wiping away a goodly amount of cold sweat that had broken out on my brow. “Sweet shit, that was close, I seriously thought that I was going to die…”

_“You still might.”_

I froze up as a particularly bloodthirsty blade laid itself across my shoulder and the sound of an elastic stretching sounded out right behind my skull.

“Now, guys—!” I started hastily.

“Save it, Cross,” Zoro scoffed as he withdrew Kitetsu III. “We’re smart enough to know that we’ve got more important things to worry about.”

“This is just a friendly warning is all.” The sound of rubber reversed. “Once we’re out of here? Watch your back.”

Since when the hell could _Usopp_ manage to sound that badass and terrifying!?

“For now, though…”

A pair of projectiles flew past me and slammed into a few more unlucky Marines.

“We’ll focus our attention _elsewhere_.”

I held my breath as the pair walked past me and joined the fray, eventually releasing it in a heavy gasp as I collapsed on my back. “I’m a dead man once we get out of here, aren’t I?” I whimpered fearfully.

_“ONLY IF YOU_ **get out of here alive,”** Soundbite pointed out. **_“By the by,_ ****3-o-clock.”**

I didn’t even miss a beat in flexing my palm and shoving my right arm at the same time. “Impact.” The resulting blast did the dual trick of propelling me to my feet and destroying the Marine’s footing, giving me just enough time to jam my baton into his gut and take him down for the count.

“Wooow…” Chimney breathed in awe as she poked the stunned soldier’s cheek before shooting me a sunny smile. “You look and act like you’re all weak and stuff, but you’re actually pretty scary, huh, mister?”

“Nagagaga!” Kokoro chuckled heartily. “That’s a pirate’s life for you, Chimney!”

**“That’s a pirate’s life** _FOR HIM!”_ Soundbite concurred.

“‘Tis a pirate’s life for me!” I concluded with my arms spread wide. “Now, if you’ll excuse me!” And with that, I turned around and charged back into the fray, scooping up Lassoo back onto my shoulder in the process.

If the Marines had been disorganized before, now they were in utter disarray. It was a credit to them that they hadn’t collapsed into an outright rout. Usopp was even more effective at close range, hitting pinpoint targets with a speed he hadn’t been able to show off from the tower. Zoro was… well, Zoro. Opposition in front of him just _melted_. And Sanji?

**“Apéritif!”**

A blast of razor-sharp, flaming air sliced through a half dozen Marines… and then through a deck-mounted mortar on one of the battleships… and then into the mast behind it, lighting it on fire and drawing out a swarm of panicked men with buckets.

Well, I suspect he was working out some… admittedly not entirely misplaced frustrations.

The point is, there simply weren’t any leakers, so I had to do something I’d been trying to avoid up until then: I had to dive into the thick of the fighting. And luckily, a Marine turned around just in time to catch a boot to his face courtesy of a jump I definitely wouldn’t have managed to make before joining the Straw Hats.

The mook went down like a sack of potatoes, KO with a bootprint in place of his face, while his two comrades turned to me with brandished swords.

I responded with a brandished dachshund. “Cani-Cannon!”

A hip-fired baseball took care of them. A whisper from Soundbite, and I sidestepped a desperate lunge from another Marine, my baton meeting the back of his skull as he pitched forward. That done, I turned around for to look for anyone else trying to get a piece of me or for me to get a piece of.

Instead, I blinked in surprise when a Marine… no, _all_ the Marines ran by me. The Marines were… apparently in retreat. An organized retreat, not a full-out run-like-hell falling back, but they _were_ retreating.

“Uh… what the hell?” Nami wondered aloud. “That death threat was pretty clear, why are they all running away?”

“Maybe because they finally got a clue and realized that they can’t win against us anyway?” Franky laughed confidently as he slammed his knuckles together.

“Considering the size of the gun at their collective heads, I _sincerely_ doubt that,” Robin countered.

I briefly considered the matter. Then all too soon the beri dropped and I ground the heel of my palm into my forehead. “Robin’s right, guys…” I groaned wearily. “This isn’t the end of the fight.”

_“Attention all hands!”_ an amplified voice blared out over the battlefield, originating from the battleships. _“As of this moment, all Junior Officers and enlisted hands are to return to their posts! As of this moment, all further combat operations—”_

I slowly looked up and cast an evil eye at the lines of Marines who had taken their positions upon the battleships’ railings and were glaring down at us. “It’s only the end of the first _wave.”_

_“Will be carried out by officers of Lieutenant and Captain rank!”_ the voice of God continued. _“With the strength of our 300 elite, we will crush these criminals without delay!”_

I choked slightly at the number. “I expected that there’d be _some_ more than usual, but that’s just _unfortunate.”_

_“We shall fight them in the shade,_ HUH?” Soundbite chuckled dryly.

“That didn’t work out well for _either_ side,” I hissed back.

“Captains…” Conis breathed in soft horror.

“Damn, I was wondering when they’d call these guys out,” Vivi grit out as she cast her gaze around.

“Uh… I’m _really_ hoping that I’m wrong, but wasn’t _Smoker_ a Captain?” Usopp whimpered fearfully.

“Don’t worry, Smoker’s not representative of the Captain rank,” I cut in. “Between his Logia fruit and seastone jutte, he was probably under-ranked when we met him. There’s a reason everyone bought him beating Crocodile. But on a related note, I haven’t ever heard of Marine with a Devil Fruit who’s been _below_ Captain Rank, so these guys are either using abilities or capable of holding their own against people who do, so no matter what, watch your backs.”

“Psh,” Zoro shrugged as he rolled his shoulders. “What are you all getting so worked up about? All this proves is that they’re too scared of us to try anything else.”

“Your mouth is talking shit, mosshead,” Sanji chuckled grimly as he blew out a smoke cloud. “But that ratty bandanna you’re putting on is saying something entirely different.”

Zoro snorted dismissively as he glanced back at the cook. “And what, you’re just chewing on the filter for the hell of it?”

“Hey, listen you—!”

_“As well, I have a status report from ships no. 3, 8, and 9 at the island’s main gate. The traitors Oimo and Kashi, as well as the Straw Hat Pirates’ allies, have been eliminated.”_

My crewmates tensed around us, but a hasty cough of _‘Bullshit!’_ into my fist served to calm them down.

_“The battleships will return to the Bridge to aid in the final elimination of the Straw Hat Pirates! For now, all Marines present, assault the Straw Hat Pirates! Forward!”_

“You… you dare claim that you defeated my boys that easily?!” Boss snarled as the Marines leaped onto the bridge and started charging at us, his Thermal Dart spinning so fast it blurred into a red-hot circle. “I’LL MELT YOU ALL INTO _TAR_ FOR SUCH AN EGREGIOUS INSULT!”

I gritted my teeth slightly as I watched the officers approach before casting a glance at Soundbite. “You about ready to blow your best _now?”_ I growled as I took a knee for the second time that day.

Soundbite grinned viciously as he furrowed his eyestalks. _“All the better to_ **BLOW THEM AWAY.** NOW THEN, IF YOU DON’T MIND…” The ambient sound on the bridge suddenly died off. **_“A LITTLE QUIET,_** _IF YOU PLEASE.”_ He then closed his eyes. **_“In the land of silence…”_**

I blasted out a Cani-Cannonball at the approaching Marines. The projectile detonated about a meter in front of the crowd—

**“Gastro-Cani Combo: BASS CANNON!”**

And a nice little swathe of the opposition and a goodly chunk of the bridge were both sent _flying_ from whence they came.

I chuckled venomously as I stood back up. “I’d say that that’s about twenty, twenty-five down.”

_“And an assload left TO DEAL WITH…”_ Soundbite groaned as his eyes spun in his skull. “AND FOR THE RECORD, **SEEING AS I THINK** ** _I BLACKED OUT FOR a second there,_** **I’m not pulling that party trick again** _ANYTIME SOON.”_

“That’s fine by me!” Boss scoffed as he cracked his neck in anticipation. “Just means that there’s more for us!”

“Speak for yourself…” Usopp groaned.

“Like it or not, it doesn’t matter worth shit.” I squared my shoulders and snapped my baton out, jamming its button as hard as I could. “Here they come!”

And then, just like that, the Marines’ fighting brass was upon us.

I don’t remember much of the next… ten minutes? I think? I dunno, the point is, I was too busy trying to _not die_ to keep track of things. It was all a blur, occasionally interspersed with sharp objects trying to lodge itself in my vital organs, fists trying to punch holes in me, and myself retaliating by breaking… basically everything within grabbing range.

Alubarna had _nothing_ on the sheer and utter moshpit that the Bridge of Hesitation had become, because in the end? While Alubarna was damn bad, at _least_ there I was something to be ignored in favor of more important things, namely killing each other. Here? Taking me and my friends’ heads off _was_ that ‘more important thing’.

And as if the definite spike in quality and relative spike in quantity of enemies weren’t bad enough—!

“Cross, duck!”

“Woahshit!” I cursed, snapping my head below one of Vivi’s Lion Cutters as she slashed a Marine I hadn’t caught sight of out of midair.

“Than—ON YOUR LEFT!” I cut my thanks off in favor of showing my gratitude by sending a base-cannon-ball down the throat of the Captain who’d been aiming to put a bullet in her skull.

Vivi gave me a grateful thumbs-up, but that was all she was able to do before she had to catch a blade with her chains before it could gouge a new hole in her skull.

—and sweet _shit,_ was it beyond bad enough, but on top of it all, we also had to deal with an absolute sideshow’s worth of Devil Fruit-users.

I swear, over the course of that fight, I saw the human body do countless things that I neither thought it could nor wanted to _know_ that it could do. The abilities that were displayed in the fight ran the gamut, from stretching (liberally à la Mister Fantastic, as opposed to Luffy’s rubber-style abilities) to secreting copious amounts of acid to throwing cannon-ball sized chunks of rock as fast as baseballs (and that _was_ a power and not pure muscle like Garp, because the guy pulling it was a _beanpole)_ to—

“STRONG RIGHT!”

“GAH!”

—to transforming into… berries apparently, hel- _lo_ there.

“Well, this bastard’s sure a weird one!” Franky chuckled sadistically as he held a visibly freaked out head in his hand.

“Oh, wait, I’ve heard about him!” I snickered tauntingly. “You’re supposed to be a _very_ good example of the Marines, right?”

The head stopped freaking out in favor of shooting me a look drier than Alabasta. “Spare me, Jeremiah Cross. I have heard every joke in the book, not even you could say one I haven’t endured before.”

My grin slowly widened by several teeth. “Yeah? Well, I doubt you’ve ever had _this_ happen to you before. Franky, if you’d be so kind as to wind up the pitch?”

The cyborg promptly cackled as he caught on to my intentions. “Oh, it would be my damn _honor!”_

“Huh? What the hell are you—?” Very Good paled before struggling furiously when he saw me draw my foot back. “Nononono _no—!”_

“Franky the Cyborg pitches to the Straw Hat Pirate’s pinch-kicker!” Franky roared as he bowled Very Good at me.

I waited until he was right where I wanted him and then—!

“PUNT!” I roared, swinging my foot forward—

_THWACK!_

“GAGH!”

—and right into the Berry-man’s chin, sending his head flying up and away.

**“HEEEEE’S** ** _OUTTA HERE!”_ **Soundbite crowed ecstatically.

“Yes!” I pumped my fist with a victorious whoop. “It’s a Grand Slam! The Straw Hats do it again! The crowd goes _wild—!”_

“CROSS, ON YOUR LEFT!”

“HOGEEZE!” I cursed, only just managing to catch a crab claw with my baton before it could snip my face off. “Make that they go wild- _er._ And as for _you—_ eh?” I paused and blinked in confusion as I looked the guy over in confusion, specifically focusing on his forehead. “The hell? A crab claw _and—?_ What are you, some kind of a goat-man with one of the Crab-Crab fruits or a crab-man with one of the Goat-Goat fruits!?”

“Why don’t you go to hell and find out!” the Marine snarled as he raised his other claw-shaped arm.

I promptly sobered up and hit the Marine with a dry look. “Why don’t you go first?” I then activated the baton’s lightning function, allowing me to deep-fry the bastard and slam my forehead into his, dropping him for the count.

I chuckled to myself as I straightened back up and started spinning my baton in my fingers. “Guess he forgot about the Taser! Sucks to be him!”

“Guess you forgot about the current situation you’re in.”

I blinked in confusion. “Wha—?”

Then there was a familiar swish of air and I found myself holding onto only _half_ a baton, which was itself starting to crackle ominously.

The Marine who’d cut my baton in half smirked as he leveled his sword at my face. “Sucks to be you, huh?”

I stared numbly at the bisected rod of metal before slowly looking up at the Marine. “That… was a gift,” I stated slowly.

“It is truly incredible how little I give a damn,” the Captain drawled. “Now, put your hands above your head and—!”

“I don’t,” I interrupted him with a dry chuckle. “Think you quite understand what I’m saying to you. Allow me to re-emphasize.”

I promptly whipped my other hand up and blasted my Flash Dial in his face, with Soundbite amping it into a straight up Gastro-Flash.

“GAH!” the Marine howled, clawing at his eyes and ears.

“That was,” I snarled, stepping up and grabbing the Marine’s collar. “ _A gift!”_ I then stuffed the baton’s remains, which were starting to reek of ozone, down the man’s shirt. _“YOU BASTARD!”_ I capped it all off with a roar as I kicked the selfsame bastard in the gut and knocked him into his comrades.

It was _thoroughly_ cathartic to see him fry everyone who he came in contact with as a result of the undoubtedly fractured Thunder Dial he was carrying discharging for a final time.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t take the time to linger on the sight because for all that it felt nice to get some vengeance for my _fucking baton!_ , the event also meant that I was left without a melee weapon. An advantage the Marines were eager to capitalize on when some jackass with a blade too long for me to catch with my gauntlets or Lassoo started taking wild swings at me.

I only just managed to throw myself to the side and dodge the slash-happy bastard, and he _would_ have managed to chop my head in two with his wild assault if I didn’t grab up the nearest of many stray swords and happen to lock blades with him.

“Shitshit _shit!”_ I bit out as I locked hilts with the bastard and held him off.

As if matters weren’t bad enough, I _just_ so happened to catch a telltale flash of green out of the corner of my eye, spiking my blood pressure a few more degrees out of sheer terror. “Sorry about this— _GRAGH!”_ I grunted forcefully as I shoved back against the bastard and took a swipe of my own. “ _Mockery_ of swordsmanship I’m pulling, Zoro, but currently my options are kind of _limited!”_ The last line was bit out as I swung Lassoo’s bulk down like a club.

Zoro responded with a dry scoff. “Trust me, Cross.”

_SLASH!_ “GAH!”

I felt a surge of relief as our crew’s swordsman did me the courtesy of finishing my opponent off before my blood froze as I caught sight of what he’d finished him off _with._

“I have no room to complain at the moment,” Zoro muttered acridly as he hefted the forcibly appropriated standard-issue Marine cutlass he was wielding.

I glanced down at the black sheath hanging at his side in concern. “Yubashiri, is it—?”

Zoro followed my gaze to the hilt before shaking his head. “Bloodied, badly, but ultimately unbowed,” he growled around Wado. “The bastard snuck a touch in before I noticed and took a good chunk of the blade with him in the process.” He grit his teeth as no small amount of what was presumably rage drew a shudder from him. “It’s whole, but I won’t know how bad it really is until I’ve had a blacksmith look at it.”

I nodded in relief at the news, before tensing uncomfortably as a thought occurred to me and I glanced around. “Everyone! Status updates, _now!_ How are you holding up?”

“Could be better!” Nami reported from the shroud of iron cloud she’d erected, Usopp and Conis periodically poking out their weapons out to take potshots at clusters of Marines. “I’m doing fine, but Usopp and Conis are running out of ammo!”

“I’m not doing so hot, either!” Franky reported, punching a Marine right in the face - and right as he pulled it back, his hair deflated, flopping in front of his face. “Dammit! I never should’ve given you that cola earlier! Weapons Left!”

The loud clicking sound that sounded out inspired absolutely no confidence.

“Ah, hell.”

“I’m starting to run out of my Cherry Blossom explosives!” Chopper provided next. “I-I can probably make more, but—!” He suddenly stumbled out of the blue and only managed to keep his head on account of a quick swap from Heavy to Brain points. “But, ah… uh, I know this is a bad time, but I _might_ have overestimated the duration of my stimulant.”

“No— _ergh!—_ kidding!” Vivi groaned, visibly fighting to stay standing. Sanji was there to pick up her slack in seconds, but the fact that he was fighting with a black leg rather than a blazing one wasn’t encouraging in the least. 

“I know I might consistently put on airs of strength,” Robin huffed as she kept her eyes clenched shut and arms crossed, systematically snapping limbs and joints across the bridge. “But the human skeleton is astoundingly resilient.” She flinched as blood started to trickle down from her palms. “Even I have my limits…”

“You all are total _wusses!”_ Boss laughed uproariously as he bodily flung a Marine into his comrades. “I mean, come on! Where’s your fighting spirit, eh? After all, to face impossible odds, standing defiant to the end and eventually emerging victorious…” He drew his fists back as he adopted an intense stance. “Is that not one of the purest and most sublime definitions… OF A MAN’S ROMANCE!? _SIX OCEANS PISTOL!”_

The dugong pounded his fists forwards, blasting a nice, sizeable opening in the enemy’s lines before keeling forward and panting heavily as he rested his fists on the bridge. “On, ah… on second thought…” Boss huffed wearily. “I might, hoo… be starting to see, ha… where you’re all coming from, geez…”

“Even Boss admits it? We _must_ be in trouble,” Lassoo huffed heavily. “Ah… and by the way? I know that this might be a bad time, but I’m starting to reach the ‘fumes’ stage myself. We getting out of here anytime soon or what?!”

I glanced nervously up at the gun before gritting my teeth and brandishing my weapons prominently. “We just need to hold out until Luffy manages to beat Lucci! Once that fight finishes—!”

**“Cross…”**

Even in the midst of the madness, Soundbite’s tone brought me up short, and one glance at his dumbstruck expression was all I needed for my guts to fill with ice.

Soundbite slowly turned his eyes to me, his gaze full of numb disbelief. **“…I think it just** ** _did,”_** he breathed in horror.

It took a moment for the implications to sink in for me, but once they did I ran like a bat straight out of hell, charging down the length of the Bridge towards the flame-engulfed horizon. I took more than a few hits in the process, a graze from a gunshot here, a nick from a sword there, but it didn’t matter to me. _Nothing_ mattered to me other than getting to where the Marines had blasted the bridge to the First Pillar early on, getting within sight of the secondary battlefield, to catching sight of my—!

I skidded to a halt a foot from the shattered cut-off of the Bridge, my momentum sending a cascade of pebbles and stray debris careening over the edge and into the froth below. But I didn’t pay it any mind, in favor of witnessing the horrifying sight before me.

“…Captain…” I breathed weakly.

It was… almost like a scene straight out of hell. Luffy, just lying there in a pool of his own blood and only barely twitching, Lucci standing above him and huffing heavily as he caught his breath.

My mind briefly stalled as I observed the scene, but I quickly managed to kickstart my brain back into work. And once I did… once I did, I didn’t consider the enemies behind me who my crewmates were cutting down. I didn’t contemplate how this was different from canon. I didn’t think about how Usopp should have been the one standing here and not me, and I didn’t think about how he was supposed to make a triumphant return and give Luffy the strength to go on either.

I didn’t think about any of that. Rather, the only thing that I thought…

_“LUUUFFYYY!”_ I screamed desperately, my voice cutting through the cacophony and echoing through the void.

…was that my captain was _down,_ and that more than anything in the world, he needed to get back up _right the hell now!_

Far below, Luffy shifted slightly in his prone position, moving his head just enough to glance up at me. _“Cross…”_ Luffy’s voice wheezed in my ear.

I choked at the sheer amount of weakness I heard in his voice, weakness I had never thought I’d hear from _him_ of all people, but I sucked it up and pressed on.

“Luffy…” I gasped before raising my voice again. “DAMN IT, LUFFY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING JUST LYING THERE!? YOU NEED TO GET UP, DAMN IT!”

I wouldn’t know until Soundbite told me much later that many combatants had directed their attention towards me in that moment, and my crew began fighting them with vigor drawn from who-knows-where to keep them away from me as I kept talking.

“I KNOW…” I choked on the words as tears streamed down my face. “I KNOW THAT YOU MUST BE HURTING LIKE HELL, LUFFY! IT’S SO OBVIOUS, AND I KNOW THAT YOU’VE FOUGHT AS HARD AS YOU CAN.” I bowed my head and shook it miserably. “BUT… BUT DAMN IT, LUFFY, THIS ISN’T THE END!”

I flung my arms out wide. “LOOK AROUND YOU, LUFFY! LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE! WE’RE STILL IN PARADISE, LUFFY! WE HAVEN’T EVEN HIT THE HALFWAY MARK, WE’RE BARELY EVEN A _QUARTER_ OF THE WAY THERE! THIS PLACE… THIS HELL OF WRATH AND TEARS, IT’S NOT WHERE IT ENDS! IT’S NOT WHERE _WE_ END!

“WE STILL NEED TO ENJOY SO MANY ADVENTURES, WE STILL NEED TO GO SO FAR, AND YOU…” I craned my head back and choked back a sob. “YOU NEED TO LEAD US THERE! BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU… WITHOUT YOU, NONE OF THIS MEANS _ANYTHING!”_

I snapped my head back down and glared bloody murder at Rob Lucci. “AND AS FOR HIM, THAT LEOPARD- _BASTARD_ …” I snarled murderously. “SO HE’S MANAGED TO TAKE YOUR BEST ATTACKS SO FAR AND KEEP GOING, SO THE HELL WHAT!? AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE STRONGER THAN HIM! YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE THIS KIND OF DAMAGE AND KEEP GOING! YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT ON, NO MATTER WHAT GETS IN YOUR WAY! _YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAT HIM, DAMN IT!”_

There was a single second of silence that seemed to stretch for a lifetime. Then it was broken by the last sound I expected at that moment.

_“Dot dot dot dot!”_

In hindsight, I really should have seen it coming, but either way, it didn’t make it any less the most downright awesome thing I had experienced up to that point. Admittedly, it was a bit of a reckless move, but I didn’t even hesitate to snap my hand down and ram the appropriate button to patch them through.

_“Straw Hat!”_ hollered a voice that I didn’t recognize. _“You might not know me, but I’ve placed all my hopes on you! An all or nothing bet a mile wide and with odds straight from hell, but I placed it knowing that you would succeed! You’ve come this far, don’t fall at the eleventh hour!”_

Not even a moment after the caller hung up, Soundbite started to ring again and I answered again.

_“Come on, Straw Hat! You’ve fought this far and you’re calling it quits_ now!? _That’s total BS! Kick that cat’s ass!”_

_“Give ‘em nothin’ short of hell, Luffy! Pirate pride, ever and always!”_

In between calls, Soundbite shot an ecstatic grin at me. “ **You’re gonna have** ** _to hold that button down,_** **_CAUSE OTHERWISE YOU’LL_** _BREAK YOUR FINGER!”_

“You got it!” I nodded eagerly as I rammed the button down and threw the floodgates wide.

**-o-**

“Come the hell on, Straw Hat!” Bonney roared as she pounded on the table. “You need to walk out of there in one piece, we still need to see which of us is the bigger glutton! _I need my pride as a woman and an eater, damn it!”_

“I’m with her, Straw Hat Luffy,” Law nodded firmly, the way he was drumming his fingers on his sword’s sheath betraying his emotionless demeanor. “You’ve been interesting thus far, and the insanity you’ve pulled could be useful in the future. Get the hell out of there and get out _alive.”_

**-o-**

“Are you fucking _kidding me!?_ You come _this_ fucking far and then you topple _here!?”_ Kid demanded acridly as he strained against the chain-like bandages that were all but holding his body together.

“Damn it, captain, will you stay still already!?” Killer protested as he tried to hold his superior in place. “That cyborg bastard nearly ripped you in half!”

“To hell with you and to hell with me, I’m more concerned with the rubbery moron who’s giving us all a shit-name!” Kidd spat before continuing to curse at the snail in the room. “Yeah, that’s right, I’ve got a bone to pick with you, rubber-brain! You’ve been the gold _fucking_ standard for every pirate of this generation since you beat Crocodile, and now you come this close to losing to a fucking _cat?! If you die and make us look bad, I’LL CLIMB DOWN THERE AND TURN YOU INSIDE OUT WITH MY OWN TWO—_ GRK!”

“DAMN IT, KID!”

**-o-**

“My predictions have never failed me yet, Straw Hat, and they state quite clearly that you will not die today,” Basil Hawkins enunciated coldly as he systematically shuffled around the full deck of cards he had splayed out before him. “I will not be pleased if you are responsible for tarnishing my reputation. Get up. Fight. _Win.”_

The dinosaur Zoan that the mage had formed a brief alliance with stood impassively to the side as he plied his arcane trade. Drake said nothing, but the fire in his eyes, the twitching of his fingers and the grimace on his face as he stared at the snail said all that needed to be said.

**-o-**

“Are you certain that this is the right way, brother? Should not more energy be invested in these actions?”

“Let others roar and cajole freely, brother. For now, we shall take another path.” Urouge kept his palms pressed together as he bowed his head. “And offer our support in solemn silence. A mad monk I might be and fallen monks we may be called, but I have not forgotten my teachings. While the rest of the world offers support in an earthly manner, we shall seek it from the heavens.”

“As you say, brother.”

**-o-**

“ONE AND TWO, ONE AND TWO, APAPAPA!” Apoo roared as he pounded his fists on his chest.

“ONE AND TWO, ONE AND TWO!” the rest of the On-Air pirates shouted back as they beat their own instruments in synch with their captain.

“LOUDER, DAMN IT!” Apoo howled at the sky. “LET THEM HEAR US! _MAKE THEM HEAR US ALL THE WAY IN MARIEJOIS!”_

[DO IT, STRAW HAT!] Captain Dugong shouted, slamming his fists together. [I’M SPEAKING TO YOU CAPTAIN-TO-CAPTAIN, FIGHTER-TO-FIGHTER, _MAN-TO-MAN!_ IF YOU CAN BEAT ME, YOU CAN BEAT DAMN NEAR ANYONE! _DON’T YOU DARE DISGRACE ME NOW! FIIIIGHT!]_

[FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!] the rest of the Great Kung-Fu Fleet chorused.

**-o-**

“You provided me with an inestimable opportunity, Captain Straw Hat Luffy,” Capone ‘Gang’ Bege drawled as he looked over a golden ingot he was holding, taken from one of the countless stacks of similar ingots that surrounded him. “And now, I owe you a debt of gratitude that I will require many years to repay.”

The gangster pirate exhaled a heavy cloud of smoke as he replaced the ingot he was holding and cast an eye to the snail in the room. “I do not forget my debts, Straw Hat. As such, I am _ordering_ you to live, so that I can settle my tabs once and for all. It’s _that_ simple.”

**-o-**

“KICK HIS ASS, LUFFY!” Captain ‘Black Bart’ Bartolomeo and Warlord Boa ‘Pirate Empress’ Hancock cheered in unison.

Or at least, they _tried_ to cheer, anyways, their words slurred by a degree of inebriation that was made clear by the luminescent blushes they were both sporting.

And they were far from the only ones, either, seeing as the crews of both the Cannibal and the Perfume Yuda had congregated to throw one of the most roaring parties in the history of the Calm Belt.

Granted, things had been a bit awkward at first in spite of (or more likely _because_ of) their captains’ shared enthusiasm, but the tension had died a swift death once the booze got brought out and started flowing.

While most of the two crews were celebrating with extreme eagerness, _some_ of the crewmates were a little restrained in their reactions.

Mr. 5, being one such example of reticence, watched the two captains drunkenly swaying together as they supported each other. “Never thought I’d see the day where I’d get to see a Warlord get sauced up close and personal.”  
  
“Considering how I can’t recall ever seeing my sister so much as _look_ at a drop of alcohol in my entire life?” Marigold deadpanned. “That goes _double_ for me.”

“I see…” Gin drawled as he cast his gaze about before nodding his head to the side. “While on the other hand, seeing as _she’s_ only drunk a few mugs, your other sister is a lightweight?”

Marigold cast a flat look at Sandersonia as she watched her sway about in her hybrid form, undulating her elongated torso in order to cause the face someone—her, most likely—had drawn there to dance. “No, she can handle alcohol just fine. It’s the _atmosphere_ that goes straight to her head. And seeing as Hancock never attends any parties whatsoever, I’m left as the designated drinker who keeps everyone in line.”

However, her melancholy mood slowly shifted to a smile as she watched the party, from her sisters liberally enjoying themselves to Marguerite chatting animatedly with Apis to Valentine greedily drowning what little sanity she had left. “Admittedly, this is quite fun. It’s nice to let loose and relax every once in awhile. Dare I say… refreshing?” She punctuated the last word with a shake of her mug.

“Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint,” Gin grunted before waving his arm. “Hey, Jack! Another barrel over here!”

**-o-**

“COME ON, STRAW HAT! YOU SHOWED THAT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS WHEN YOU BEAT ME! SMASH HIS FACE IN, POUND HIM TO PIECES!”

“Pupupupu, he’s so loud, but the snail isn’t even connected,” Hamburg chuckled.

“I _KNOW_ THAT THE SNAIL ISN’T CONNECTED, HAMBURG!” Foxy snapped. “CALLING IN COULD BLOW OUR COVER, SO I HAVE TO SHOUT THAT MUCH _LOUDER!”_

“Boss, with how many people are calling in right now, who do you think would be able pick out and recognize your voice from among them?” Porche questioned.

Foxy turned to leer at her. “Considering that that Back Fight was on the SBS? Anyone who’s paying enough attention, and I’d bet the ship that if everybody else in the World Government isn’t, the Five Elder Stars are,” he growled.

“…point,” Porche conceded and promptly began waving her baton. “ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, WHEN I SAY GO, YOU SAY LUFFY! GO!”

“STRAW HAT!”

“CLOSE ENOUGH!”

**-o-**

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOIN’, LUFFY!?” Dadan roared indignantly. “COME ON, WHO THE HELL CARES IF THAT BASTARD’S A ZOAN, HUH!? YOU ATE BIG CATS FOR BREAKFAST FOUR DAYS OF THE WEEK, AND THAT WAS ONLY IF THE DAMN CROCODILES WEREN’T BITING! SHOW THAT PUSSYCAT WHAT’S WHAT! _I RAISED YOU BOYS BETTER THAN THAT, DAMN IT!”_

“Did she even raise them at _all?”_ Mogra muttered under his breath.

“I think she’s just trying to capitalize is all,” Dogra muttered back. “After all, what’s the point of turning the hideout into a dive bar if we’re not even associated with the guy it’s all—!” _THWACK!_ “YEOW!”

“IF YOU GOT TIME TO GAB, YOU GOT TIME TO WORK, _SO GET BACK TO WORK!”_

_“YES, MA’AM!”_

Meanwhile, in a corner of the renovated hideout, a certain old man sighed wearily as he grabbed the nearest bottle. “Oh, forget it. I give up,” he groaned.

“That’s the spirit, Mayor!” Makino grinned cheerily as she clapped his shoulder.

**-o-**

“YOU CAN’T GIVE UP NOW, LUFFY!”

“Aisa, you get down from there right—!” _THWACK!_ “—OW!” Laki yelped, clutching the spot where a pebble had slammed into her head.

“GO BLOW IT OUT YOUR RIFLE, LAKI!” Aisa howled from atop the totem pole she was balancing on, a Transponder Snail clutched in one hand and a loaded sling spinning in the other. “I’M GONNA SUPPORT MY CREWMATES NO MATTER WHAT AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”

“YOU’RE NOT A PIRATE, AISA!” Laki protested vigorously.

“Aw, c’mon, Laki, why not leave the kid be?”

The sniper shot an acrid glare at her fellow tribemate, who was leaning against a nearby tree. “You’re just taking her side because she’s actually putting up a fight for once!”

Wiper responded with a raised eyebrow. “And the problem with that is…?”

Laki snorted darkly before refocusing on her pseudo-younger sibling. “Aisa, if you don’t get down from there _right now_ , then you’re _grounded!”_

“SEE IF I CARE!” Aisa snapped back before focusing on the snail she was carrying. “AND CAPTAIN, YOU HAVE TO WIN! I—!”

Laki paused in her attempt to climb the pole as Aisa suddenly choked up, tears stinging in her eyes. “I HAVEN’T EVEN JOINED YET! I-IT’S NOT FAIR! SO, PLEASE! YOU WON AGAINST GOD, SO WIN NOW! YOU… YOU HAVE TO…”

Aisa threw her head back and screamed to the clear heavens above.

_“YOU HAVE TO_ _LIVE!”_

**-o-**

I choked as I processed what I was listening to. So much support, so many calling in from so far. All for us, all for _him_ …

“Can you…” I started weakly before gasping in a breath and raising my voice. “CAN YOU HEAR THEM, LUFFY!? THIS… THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING! BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHETHER YOU CARE OR NOT, THE TRUTH IS PLAIN AND CLEAR! THE WORLD…” I smiled at the sky as I wiped the tears from my eyes. “THE WORLD’S CHEERING YOUR NAME! THE WORLD ITSELF IS BEGGING YOU TO _WIN!_ SO THAT’S WHY… THAT’S WHY… THAT’S WHY NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHAT… YOU CAN’T…”

I sucked in as deep a breath as I could… and then I _roared._

“THAT’S WHY NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CAN’T LOSE, LUFFY! _YOU CAN’T LOSE!_ ”

**-o-**

Rob Lucci growled as he heard Jeremiah Cross’ words ring out, and so many others joining the chorus. But it didn’t matter; Straw Hat’s will had been impressive, but he, Lucci, had used his trump card. No amount of cheering would be able to—

**_“Gear… Second.”_ **

His eagerness was gone now; as the leopard Zoan turned back to face the only opponent in his life that he would ever willingly deem an equal, he felt only rage and incredulity. But above those? A foreign emotion had crept into his mind, an emotion whose visits he could count on one hand: fear.

And as soon as that fear flared, it transformed into renewed rage. “You… can still _move?”_ he snarled vehemently.

“I won’t give up…” Luffy bit out, through all his pain and all his blood. “Until you go _down.”_

Lucci’s scowl twitched minutely, for more reasons than just rage. “Life Return: Release,” he huffed, allowing his compressed muscles to expand out to their fullest and relieving some measure of his pain, however incremental. “I’m going to crush you, each and every one of you, in one _second!”_

With that, the Zoan flashed forward at the pirate and unleashed a barrage of practically simultaneous finger pistols. “Spots— _GRGH!”_ he snarled audibly as each and every one of his shots was perfectly countered by rubber knuckles meeting his own.

Without a word, Lucci flashed back a foot, giving himself a moment’s pause before reappearing in Luffy’s face, fists outstretched and at the ready. The flash of fear in the pirate’s eyes was supremely satisfying.

“I WON’T FALL FOR THAT AGAI—!”

Lucci’s tail lashed out, snaring Straw Hat by his waist for the moment he needed to channel the bulk of if not _all_ the energy he had left into one final attack.

“Ultimate Radius,” Lucci snarled. “SIX KING GUN!”

The shockwave that erupted from his fists slammed clean through the rubber man’s body, and devastated the wall on the other side.

The pirate’s eyes rolled up in his head as he coughed up what must have been a quart of blood, and his body went limp.

Lucci, on the other hand, was left in a state of exhaustion that he hadn’t felt since… since… he hadn’t ever truly felt _this_ exhausted, ever. Still, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he’d _won._ It had been the fight of his life and he’d won. And now… now he needed to pick up the pieces of his life.

As such, the Zoan let his tail uncurl, turned his back on Luffy and began walking towards the rest of the bridge, mustering up the remaining strength he’d need to kill the crew that had so foolishly branded themselves as enemies of Justice.

**-o-**

_“LUUUFF—ERGH!”_

Soundbite _made_ to join Cross in screaming their captain’s name as he staggered drunkenly, but he suddenly cut himself off as his tongue stuck in his throat.

Thanks to his newly awakened abilities, no one ever noticed more than a slight hiccup in the broadcasting of the voices of the world.

Thanks to everyone looking everywhere but at him, no one noticed his gaze coming slightly unfocused.

And thanks to the sheer cacophony that was shaking the world at that moment, no one heard the hiss of static that filled the air.

**-o-**

As Luffy swayed back and forth on his feet, all he could think of was pain. It hurt… so much. Not just one part of him. Not just his chest, not just his arms, but _everything._ Standing hurt, breathing hurt, _seeing_ hurt. It all just hurt so _bad._

Luffy was strong, incredibly strong, but even the strong had their limits, and he’d reached his. And so, with little choice left to him, Luffy slowly pitched backward and his mind started to fade into the black.

But that was as far as he got.

_“Hey… Hey, kid. Can you hear me?”_

Luffy groaned weakly in the affirmative.

_“Heh. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Look, kid, I know that you’re going through hell right now, but you can’t give up, alright? You’re not done yet, not even close. Here, I’ll even help you through it. First things first. Get back on your feet.”_

Luffy groaned again, but in spite of that he grit his teeth, surged his everything forward, and _forced_ himself back to where he was standing.

_“Good, that’s good! Alright, next, that Gear Second of yours. Think you can keep it going?”_

The rubber-man wheezed and panted as he reminded himself to keep breathing, but even so, the amount of steam surging from his body returned to full force. And through his pain, he was able to catch sight of Rob Lucci stopping in his tracks and slowly casting a fearful glance over his shoulder.

_“Heh, that caught his attention. Now, this part is the easiest of all. You see that big ugly bastard in front of you, the one who’s been kicking the crap out of you this entire time?”_

Luffy’s head nodded infinitesimally as his lungs sucked in that vital oxygen.

_“Well, if you lose here, then he’s going to kill your crew. He’s going to kill each and every last one of your friends, and he won’t stop until he’s done. The only person who can stop that is you, kid. So, what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna dig deep. You’re gonna pull up every last bit of power you have, every last inch of it, all of it, and you’re going to put it towards kicking. His. Tail. Think you can handle that?”_

Luffy’s eyes slowly filled with absolute hatred as he processed those words. And fuelling that hatred…

_“The greatest swordsman in the world? That’s good! I wouldn’t expect anything less from a crewmate of the future King of the Pirates!”_

_“Eh? What are you talking about? Get on already.”_

_“Shishishi! Looks like I’ve found my cook!”_

…were memories.

_“NAMI, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND!”_

_“Hey, that’s a pretty neat trick!”_

_“SHUT UP! LET’S_ GO _ALREADY!”_

His mind ablaze, the pirate leaned back ever so slightly. **_“Guuuuum-Guuuuum…”_**

_“Heh. Knew you had it in you. Well, you seem to have this handled, so I’ll be going. Good luck to ya. Oh, and before I forget?”_

A D-shaped smile flashed through Luffy’s head.

_“You wear my old hat damn well.”_

And with that, Luffy let all hell fly loose. **_“Jeeeeet!”_**

Lucci barely had time to erect a half-assed Iron Body as the first fists hit him. After that…

_“I’ll make sure Vivi stays safe. We all will.”_

_“SO COOL! So, you guys_ really _want to join my crew?”_

_“WE HAVE TWO NEW CREWMATES! HIP HIP!”_

_“ROBIN!”_

After that, Lucci _lost._

_“SAY YOU WANT TO LIIIIIVE!”_

**_“GATLIIIIIIING!”_ **

**-o-**

It was an absolute miracle that Rob Lucci managed to endure the barrage he was being hammered by. The fists came hard, they came fast, and they came _relentlessly,_ tenderizing every square inch of the assassin’s body that they could reach.

His Iron Body didn’t matter, his Zoan-enhanced physique didn’t matter, not even his own inhuman constitution mattered. _None_ of it mattered because none of it could stand up to the sheer onslaught assaulting him, pounding through his flesh, pounding _him_ into the wall.

But in spite of it all, Lucci managed to remain conscious. In spite of every last bone in his body breaking twice over, in spite of him suffering injuries that would kill weaker men a hundred times over, Lucci stood strong.

And then it happened.

“…rrrrrRRRRR _RRRRR_ ** _RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!”_**

And then Straw Hat Luffy raised his head and screamed his primal fury to the world.

In the moment of that roar, Lucci managed to crack his eye open, and through the haze of blood and pain, he caught sight of a fist.

A single fist, completely like the dozens, hundred, _thousands_ all around it that were pounding into him… save for a single aspect.

Where those fists glistened red, _that fist_ glistened black.

That _one fist_ rammed itself in the middle of Lucci’s face… and Lucci lost.

The next thing he knew, Lucci was staring at the ground, the world wavering in and out of focus as he only just clung to the waking world.

At the very edge of his consciousness, the sound of misshapen wingbeats hit his ears, followed by the soft thwump of something feathered slapping into his back.

Lucci coughed up a mouthful of blood and croaked painfully, his voice barely above a whisper, his jaws and tongue barely able to form words. “Status… report?”

“Agh…” Hattori twitched minutely on his back. “I’m… afraid we’ve lost, sir. Utterly, at that. Couldn’t be helped, really, they’re… just that good.”

Lucci snorted out a heavy breath. “Damn…”

“…Honestly, sir? Maybe we should look on the bright side.”

“Which is…?”

“Well… you _did_ push him farther than a Warlord and God. And… one way or another… we won’t be… seeing Spandam again. That… has to be worth something… right?”

Lucci panted heavily for a moment before allowing a rueful grin to crawl across his face. “It was… one hell… of a fight…”

And with that, Rob Lucci fell asleep with a smile.

**-o-**

As Luffy’s final attack rang out, the SBS fell silent, and a good number of those fighting on the bridge paused to watch what they could of the fight.

And as I saw Lucci fall, I slowly turned to Soundbite, the Luffy-grade grin that was slowly spreading across his face matching mine tooth for tooth.

And then, as if to dispel any and all doubts?

“ROOOBIIIIIIIN!” Luffy roared, his voice stretching across the air even without Soundbite’s help. “LET’S ALL GO BACK! _TOGETHER!”_

I heaved forward and clutched my gut and mouth as I tried to restrain myself. _“Pffff…”_

However, before I could so much as squeak, the Marines were kind enough to provide a trigger. _“C-Calling all ships!”_ the suddenly panicked voice of God stammered. _“J-Just now! T-The pirate, S-Straw Hat Luffy… H-HAS JUST DEFEATED CIPHER POL NO. 9’S ROB LUCCI!”_

“PFFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!” I threw my head back and cackled to the high heavens. “YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS! THE WINNER BY TOTAL KNOCK OUT IN THE BRAWL AGAINST THE SOLDIER OF JUSTICE IS NONE OTHER THAN OUR CAPTAIN, MONKEY D. _STRAW HAT LUFFY!”_

I then snapped my finger up and jabbed it into the air. “THIS MEANS THAT IN THE END, IN THE CONFLICT BETWEEN US AND THE DREADED BOOGEYMEN OF CIPHER POL NUMBER NINE, THE UNDEFEATED AND UNMITIGATED VICTORS ARE… _THE STRAW HAT PIRAAAAATES!”_

I swear, nothing, _nothing_ up until that point compared to the sheer torrent of adrenaline coursing through my body at shouting that to the world. The _world…_ Enies Lobby had been earthshaking in canon, but now? _This_ was going to be comparable to Whitebeard punching the planet’s core. And it. Was. _Intoxicating._

And hence, with no more regard for the warzone around me, I laughed and laughed—

_“Dot dot dot—KA-LICK! WAY TO GO, LUFFY!”_

_“COMPLETE VICTORY, SUCKERS!”_

_“QUIET, OR THEY’LL FIND US!”_

“THAT’S MY BOYS, HAHAHAHAAAA!”

And I laughed and laughed and _laughed_ as we got the solid confirmation that all of our allies _were_ alright—

**“ALL UNITS! OPEN FIRE ON THE BRIDGE OF HESITATION! DAMN PLUTON AND DAMN THE ELDER STARS!** **_KILL THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! LEAVE NONE ALIVE!”_ **

And when Sengoku’s voice bellowed out, and I turned to see the very, very dented Gates of Justice—

**_CRACK!_ **

…correction. The _cracked_ gates of Justice.

“Uhhh…” Su hedged nervously, cowering as rays of golden light started to shine through the badly abused doors. “Is metal _supposed_ to act like that?”

Vivi opened her mouth to answer, and then choked fearfully as the blood drained from her face. “It does when it’s exposed to temperatures several dozen degrees below freezing…” she squeaked as she shakily raised a finger to point.

Indeed, by following her finger I caught sight of signs of frost starting to creep through and around the Gates.

“PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And then I just kept laughing.

**_“WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY!? YOU’RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE!”_ **

“PFFHAHAHAHA!” I howled as I shot my grin at the warships looming around us. “I _seriously_ overestimated how smart you guys were. You _still_ don’t get it?! WE’VE ALREADY WON! All that’s left now is to _get the hell out!_ And that way out…” I turned my attention skywards. “Should be arriving any second now.”

And so I waited.

In reality, it was only for half a minute, at the absolute worst, but to me… it was torture. An infinity after an infinity, each instant tick-tick-ticking away without end.

And at the end of those infinities, I was just about to feel the barest sliver of doubt…

…and then it was there.

Tears welled in the corners of my closed eyes as I smiled blissfully. “I knew you’d come…” I whispered.

Soundbite’s jaw all but hit the ground as he stared at nothing. “NO. _FUCKING._ ** _WAY.”_**

“Eh?” Franky paused mid-punch to put a hand to his ear. “The hell—? Who was that? And what’d they say, it was all garbled.”

“Huh!? You goin’ deaf, metal-man?!” Boss scoffed incredulously as he whipped his rope-dart around to and fro. “That was as clear as day!” He then frowned in confusion. “Ah, the words were, anyways. The actual _meaning,_ though…?”

“Where did that come from…?” Su wondered, glancing every which.

I grinned as I watched everyone react in confusion, but when I noticed Usopp heading for the edge of the bridge, I snapped my hand out. “Don’t!” I shouted, even as I kept on smiling. “Don’t look, don’t question it! You don’t have to! Because in the end…” Tears spilled freely down my cheeks as I wept with joy. “We already know who it is, right?"

Usopp stared dubiously at me before an equally euphoric smile came across his face. He then threw his head back…

_“THE SEA!”_

And shouted.

_“JUMP INTO THE SEEEEA!”_ he cried out, sobbing joyously. “EVERYONE JUMP, RIGHT NOOOW!”

“ROBIN!” I roared at our confused archaeologist. “TOSS HIM IN WITH US!”

Robin stared at me for a second before nodding confidently. “Right!”

“Wha—! Are the two of you nuts!?” Zoro demanded incredulously. “That damn sea is in turmoil, if we go down there—!”

“It’ll be fine!” Usopp sobbed in his face. “S-She’s here! She’s c-come to help us! She’s here! She actually _came!”_

Lassoo glanced between us for a moment before shrugging flatly. “Oh, what the hell.” He reared on his hind legs and howled. “TO THE SEA!”

“INTO THE SEA!” Boss and Franky chorused, pumping their fists in synch as they dashed towards the edge.

“THE SEA!” Sanji crowed at the top of his lungs.

“INTO THE SEA!” Vivi and Conis cried out together, the angel helping the Princess to carry Carue with her.

“YOU’RE ALL NUTS, YA KNOW THAT?” Kokoro shouted out as she ran after us.

_“THE… THE PIRATES HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS!”_ the voice of God cried out in confusion.

I honestly couldn’t help myself, cackling as I swept my arms out wide. “PFFHAHAHA! YOU ALL ONLY WISH! WE’RE NOT NUTS, _YOU BASTARDS JUST DIDN’T COUNT RIGHT! Buuut_ hey,” I scoffed mockingly. “I’m a nice guy. So what the hell, allow me to list off the members who currently compose the crew of the future King of the Pirates!”

I jabbed my thumb at myself. “For starters, we have me, my talking snail and my ballistic hound!”

**“REPRESENT!”** Soundbite roared.

“Got that right!” Lassoo bayed.

“The future best swordsman in the world, the ultimate ruler of all snipers and the best chef to ever come out of the North Blue!”

“TO THE—!”

“WE GET IT ALREADY!” two of our crew’s monsters snarled as they grabbed our sniper’s shoulders and dragged him along.

“The wicked witch of the weather, the ingenious monster doctor and the one true heir of Alabasta and her royal guard!”

“SCREW OFF, CROSS!” Nami and Chopper laughed as they ran past us.

“Give ‘em hell, Cross!” Vivi eagerly shouted, slapping me on the back as she passed.

“Ditto!” Carue pumped his wing firmly as he hung onto Conis.

“A band of badass dugongs, our angelic gunner and her pet fox and the demonic heir of Ohara!”

“OOHRAH!” Boss roared skywards.

“I hope this works…” Conis giggled nervously.

“Of course it will!” Su cackled eagerly. “Haven’t you noticed it yet!? With these people, the crazier the scheme is, the more it’s absolutely _guaranteed_ to work!”

“That does seem to be a fact of life…” Robin agreed, a blissful smile on her face.

“The very heir to Roger’s throne!”

“I-I-I-I’M GETTING DIZZY-Y-Y-Y-Y!”

I spared that comment a snicker before spinning on my heel and continuing. “And finally, to round out our numbers, our most crucial and beloved comrade of all…” My smile stretched from ear to ear as I ran to the very edge of the bridge and jumped, even going so far as to pull a flip midair as the bridge exploded behind me.

I smiled down at the sea…

_“Let’s go, everyone!”_

And _laughed_ as Merry smiled right back up at us, waving her arms over her head.

_“Let’s all go back! Back to the Sea of Adventure!”_

“WE HAVE THE MOST BADASS CARAVEL THE GRAND LINE HAS EVER SEEN!”

**-o-**

A world away in a fairytale land of sweets, a Long-Leg man and a lion gaped at a cackling snail in shock. Contrary to appearances, this was not the setup to a joke.

“I—! W-Wait, give me a second…” Pekoms stammered hesitantly, holding a hand up as he reached beneath his sunglasses and kneaded the bridge of his nose. “I… t-their ship just came for them? It came for them on its own and _spoke!?”_

_“Bon—Oui,_ it did—soir…” Tamago breathed in shock. _“Bon—Maman… Maman_ is going to be _très_ interested in this development, _sans doubte—soir.”_

The mink processed that for a second before snorting and slamming his glasses back into place with a growl. “Well, if she is, then ‘Maman’ can take care of it herself.”

Tamago looked at his companion with a raised eyebrow. “ _Bon_ — _Es-tu_ suicidal— _soir?”_

Pekoms gave his partner in crime a flat look. “The Straw Hats may be Paradise rookies, but they’re Paradise rookies that just invaded the World Government’s own turf for one of their crewmates and _won, with the entire world as their witness._ That is _Emperor levels_ of crazy at _minimum_ , and they didn’t even have a fraction of our manpower! I don’t care how safe Totland is renowned for being _or_ how powerful Linlin is, I am _not_ risking my shell going after their damn ship!”

Tamago hesitated slightly before swallowing and tugging at his collar. “Ahh… _Bon—Bien dit—soir.”_

**-o-**

_“WOAH!”_ I cried, flailing desperately as I was tossed up—!

_THWUMP!_ “OW!”

And then crashed down onto the deck of the Merry. “Nice toss…” I groaned as I rubbed my head.

“Sue me, I was swimmin’ drunk!” Kokoro cackled from overboard. “Anyways, gimme a bit, will you? These currents are hell and I got a lot of people to find, even with the dugong helping out!”

_SPLASH!_ “WAAAAAGH!” _THWUMP!_ _“OW!”_

“Make that one less!”

“SCWEW YOU, BOSS!”

I rolled my eyes with a scoff before glancing around—

“Ah, there you are!”

—and picking Soundbite up with a grin, simultaneously discarding the sword I’d been using onto the deck. “Sorry about tossing you like that, I just didn’t want you in the seawater is—!”

_“HURK!”_

“…all, _seriously!?”_

**“THE FUCKING DECK IS** ** _SOAKED, ASSHAT!”_** Soundbite snarled irately.

“You little—!”

“Cross!”

I spun around at the sound of a _very_ familiar ethereal voice, and grinned joyously and crouched down with my arms held wide as a little raincoat-wearing tyke ran at me. “Merry!”

The Klabautermann leapt into my arms and hugged me tightly with a happy sob, and I hugged back.

“JACKASS!”

_THWACK!_

“YEOW!”

Before she suddenly hauled off and rammed her foot into my shin. Through my greave. And it _hurt_. A lot.

“OWOWOWOW— _WHAT THE HELL, YOU LITTLE SCUMBOAT!?”_ I barked as I hopped around on my uninjured leg.

“YOU BASTARDS LEFT ME!” she roared as she flailed her arms indignantly.

“What!?” I froze in place as I stared at her in shock. “That’s—! Hell no, that’s not it all! We just decided to hold you in reserve, is all! Come on, you should know this! You don't roll out your pinch hitter in the first inning, you hold her back for the bottom of the ninth!”

Merry snorted and puffed her cheeks out petulantly. “You're just trying to butter me up so that I don't hit you more!”

“…is it working?”

_THWACK!_

“YEOW!”

“JACKASS!”

“You little—!”

Before I could say anything else, I was cut off by her grabbing my leg and burying her face in my jacket.

“I was so scared…” she whispered tearfully.

I hastily dropped to my knees and hugged her tight, holding onto her as firmly as I could. “I never doubted you would come, not even for a second…” I solemnly promised her.

I heard a few more _SPLASH!_ sounds from nearby, but I didn’t look up from where I was. At least, not until Luffy gasped in relief and Kokoro and Boss leapt back onboard.

“Phew, that was close! I thought I was going to—MERRY?!” Luffy yelped in shock.

“Hi, Captain!” Merry waved eagerly. “I decided to pop my body to help you guys!”

“Oh, that’s cool!” Luffy laughed happily before refocusing his attention. “Oh, and Robin! Thanks for— _Mmph?”_

He was cut off by an autonomous hand as Robin smiled happily. She then turned her attention back to everyone else. “Everyone,” she smiled gratefully. “Thank—!”

_“ROBIN!”_

“— _GWAH!?”_

_THWUMP!_

I blinked in shock as Nico Robin was summarily _glomped_ by Tony Tony Chopper, Nami, and Nefertari Vivi. Sanji tried too, of course, but he missed and crashed into the mast.

“That’s new…” I mused numbly.

“THAT HURT, JERK!” Merry roared as she booted Sanji’s ass.

“Wha—?” Robin blinked blearily as she looked at the trio on top of her.

“I was so scared that you were going to die before I could say sorry for how I’ve been treating you!” Vivi sobbed regretfully.

“I thought I was going to be the last sane woman standing on this ship of crazies!” Nami wept fearfully.

“ROBIIIIN!” Chopper blubbered… well, Chopper just straight-up blubbered.

“Ah…” I hastily shook my head in an effort to get my brain back on track. “Sooo… Vivi, does this mean you'll stop being such a bitch to her now?”

Vivi swiftly snapped to her feet and coughed into her fist as she regained her usual composure. “Now, now, let's not go crazy here.”

Nami stared up at her with a look of clear exasperation. “Seriously!?”

“She _crucified_ my _father!”_

“It’s fine, it’s fine, I acknowledge that I made mistakes. I’ll send him my sincerest apologies at the earliest convenience.” Robin glanced to the side thoughtfully. “I'm sure that I still have the letter template lying around _somewhere…”_

“You will write him a twenty-page essay by hand, and you know _exactly_ which pair I speak of!” Vivi snapped indignantly.

“Is this really the time?!” Zoro roared.

“HEARTLESS BASTARD!” Chopper shouted back as he threw himself at the swordsman.

“HAVE YOU NO RESPECT!?” Usopp demanded as he lunged towards him, his Usopp Pound at the ready.

“DIE, MOSSHEAD!” Sanji declared as he loosed a flurry of kicks.

_“THE DAMN BATTLESHIPS ARE GETTING READY TO BLAST US, YOU MORONS!”_ he shouted back as he hastily blocked.

“Ah…” I flinched and glanced around nervously at the _many_ Marines scrambling around frantically on the Battleships. “Point. Reunite and celebrate later, GTFO _now.”_

“Ugh…” Luffy groaned, drawing everyone’s attention. Visibly struggling, he held up his arm. “Guys… I’ve done as much as I can.” He grinned weakly. “Can I trust you guys… to do the rest?”

I didn’t even hesitate to match his grin tooth for tooth as I dashed up to him and slapped his hand. “Ever and always, captain!” I then reached into my bag, and again grabbed the knob controlling the dead zone. “Alright, how long do we have before they fire?”

_“Half a minute!_ THEY’RE FAST!”

“Well, then, guess we’ll just have to up that time limit, won’t we?” I angled my head at my snail. “Soundbite?”

**“Aye?”**

I spun the knob clockwise once more before answering through a positively _psychotic_ smile. “Let’s have us some good old-fashioned, down and dirty _fun._ ”

**“AYE-** **_AYE!”_**

“Oh, those poor bastards,” Merry breathed reverentially.

Not daring to wait a moment longer, I snapped my finger up and pointed at a nearby Battleship. “Attention—!” I barked in a voice that _wasn’t_ mine.

**_“GUNNERY DECK #2!”_ **Soundbite picked up seamlessly.

“This is—!”

**_“VICE ADMIRAL STRAWBERRY!”_ **

“The Straw Hats have pulled a trick! Several of their number have infiltrated—!” I swung my finger around to indicate another battleship.

**_“VESSEL NUMBER 6!”_ **

“Prepare to fire upon the ship on my mark! Any who fail to comply will be summarily executed!”

My grin widened visibly as the line of cannons on the ship re-oriented themselves. “FIRE!”

The very moment that the cannon fire began, I pointed towards the ship behind the one being fired upon. “Attention all hands, this is—!” _“Rear Admiral Winston!”_ “The soldiers onboard of—!” _“Vessel number 1!”_ “Have just mutinied, along with the soldiers on—!” _“Vessel number 7!”_ “Fire on them on my mark!” I gave the cannons a moment to reorient befoooore… _“FIRE!”_

Ah, that barrage of thunder was music to my ears.

“Who next, who next…” I sang as I danced my finger around. “Eenie meenie minie _you.”_

And so it went as Soundbite and I proceeded to sow utter _mayhem_ amidst the Buster Call. Oh, and we didn’t _just_ order them to fire on one another, that would have been too easy.

We started unwitting mutinies—

“I repeat, the soldiers on decks four through six are compromised! Apprehend them at once so that they may be court-martialed!”

—we undermined authority—

“You thought that voice was me!? FOOLS! That was Jeremiah Cross and his damnable snail! Henceforth, all orders _must_ be preceded by the following passcode!”

—we orchestrated acts of sabotage—

“I am telling you the truth, soldier, the ship is lost! Soak all the gunpowder through, make sure that these bastards can’t use our vessel for anything but tinder!”

—but most of all? Over the course of the next three interminable minutes—

“Hurry the hell up! If we don’t have that birthday cake ready to go in the next minute, Admiral Akainu is going to have _all_ of our heads! And where are the goat hooves!?”

We raised _hell._

Once the ships were all in nice, chaotic disarray, their shots firing anywhere _but_ at Merry, I allowed myself to hunch over and wheeze, panting as I got some breath back in my spent lungs. “Wooo, that was rough…” I panted with a shit-eating grin. “But now… nooooow… nooow we do the coup de grâce.”

I exchanged grins with Soundbite before pulling myself to my full height and pointing skywards and shouting out. Our voices sounded in unison as five very specific voices that were not our own.

**_“FIRE!”_ **

And all at once, _every_ last battleship of the Buster Call fired on one another, and the only reason they didn’t all go up in splinters was that the fire was divided instead of concentrated.

**_“SORRY, GUESS YOU ALL LISTENED TO THE WRONG VOICES!”_** Soundbite and I cackled in the quintet, myself even going so far as to pull my eyelid down and stick out my tongue. **_“BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME!”_** And with that, I slashed my hand across my neck and we just flat-out _cackled_ as the Buster Call imploded around us.

“…I will now repeat myself: I am so very, _very_ glad that I am on _your_ side, Cross,” Kokoro muttered, looking honest-to-goodness _scared_.

“So am I, Granny,” I chuckled, before turning towards the rest of my bemused crew and looking towards the second mate. “Now, seeing as how those ships are still _somewhat_ functional and we’ve accomplished everything we came here for, what say we leave Enies Lobby to ruin and head back to Water 7?” I raised my hand. “Your turn, o mighty navigator.”

Nami grinned as she slapped my hand, looking over her notepad once more before nodding firmly. “Right, then. Everyone to your positions! Half sail on the main, full sail on the mizzen and bowsprit! And whoever’s on the whipstaff, course—” She paused, eyeballing what little of the sky wasn’t obscured by the smoke of Enies Lobby. “Put the sun off the starboard bow!”

And as soon as we finished scrambling around getting everything perfect—and Nami was up to her usual exacting standards, so that wasn’t easy—we were on our way. Now that the threat was mostly disarmed, our navigator chucked the notion of stability out the window in favor of speed.

Even as the big ships wallowed in the ever-changing currents, their shattered masts and shredded sails unable to properly maneuver them, Nami directed us along those currents like as though Merry was little more than her personal bicycle, weaving us around the battleships and whirlpools and catching the edges of the latter at just the right moments and angles needed to give us bursts of speed. Musket fire and light swivel cannon barked out in attempts to hit us, but their height, the close range and the sheer disparity between them and Nami’s skills meant that they didn’t even come _close_ to hitting us.

Though by no means did that mean that things were _easy,_ by any definition of the word.

“HARD TO PORT!” Nami barked as one of the battleships slewed into our path.

“I’ve got it!” Boss grunted, lashing out with his rope dart. The weapon bit into the hull of a nearby battleship, swinging us around its prow… with just a _bit_ too much force.

“Too fast too fast TOO FAST!” Merry wailed fearfully as she whipped towards the hull of a battleship portside first. “WE’RE GONNA CRASH!”

“NOT IF I CAN STOP IT!” Nami snapped back before whipping her finger up. “CONIS!”

The angel groaned miserably as she brought her bazooka up to bear. “Oh, this is gonna _hurt…_ ” Nevertheless, she squared her stance, leveled the weapon at the warship and pulled the trigger. “Reject Bazoo— _OOMPH!”_ The rest of the attack’s name was cut off as the blast tossed Conis off her feet. Thankfully, it was enough to kill Merry’s sideways momentum, which allowed us to continue on track.

“That was weeeiiird,” the Klabautermann mumbled as she staggered around dizzily.

“Gnnnnrrrrr…” Conis half-whimpered-half-groaned as she clutched her shoulder.

“Alright, almost there…” Nami muttered to herself as we sped down the water-filled alley.

“ ** _NOT QUITE!”_** Soundbite barked. “ **We’ve got a bunch** _OF CANNONS AIMED AT_ **US, AND I can’t stop them all!”**

Nami's reaction was… to cast a sidelong glare at the ships around us before heaving an exasperated sigh. “Tch. Yeah, that figures. I guess I might as well take care of them, huh.”

…not what I’d expected and not that I really doubted her at this point, but… ah, what the hell. I raised an eyebrow before addressing her. “Okay, I’ll bite, how the heck’re you planning to pull _that_ off?”

Nami responded by gracing me with an angelic smile. “Answer me this: What is Enies Lobby renowned as?” she asked.

“Ah…?”

Those of us who weren’t busy panicking at the sight of gun crews swarming on the nearby battleships sent confused glances at each other.

“It's… an eternal day island?” Sanji finally spoke up.

“Right!” Nami said cheerfully. “So then…” She cocked her head to the side innocently. “Why are we fighting in the shade?”

“Fighting in the—” I parroted, looking up, before cutting myself off as I took in the sky. “Ooooohhhhhh holy shit.”

Suddenly, I was very glad my fear of lightning was almost completely gone because if it wasn’t, the sight of a _horizon-to-horizon bank of crackling storm clouds_ probably would’ve sent me catatonic. And if that seems like a suspiciously specific approximation, that’s because as it was, it still took almost all my strength to not pass out.

“When the hell did you set _this_ up, witch?!” Zoro demanded.

“You didn’t think all that staff-spinning I was doing on the Bridge was _just_ to control my Eisen Tempo, did you?” Nami grinned cheerfully. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…” She started to swing her staff about, causing her cloudy aura to snap about and darken. “Today's forecast warns of an errant lightning god wandering in the vicinity of Enies Lobby. Signs of said god's approach include freak storms, inordinate pillars of lightning and maximum carnage. Should you happen to be in the path of this deity, this navigator advises only one course of action.”

An evil grin played its way across Nami’s face as she pointed her staff skyward. _“Pray.”_

And with that, her Eisen Cloud lashed out a single bolt of lightning and into the tempest above.

While we were all gaping up at the heavens as the clouds steadily started to glow brighter and brighter, Nami smiled cheerily as she spun her Clima-Tact at her side. “Divine Tempo.”

She then slammed the butt of her weapon into the deck with a resounding _CLACK._

_“Jupiter’s Fury.”_

And then the world… pretty much _exploded_ with light and sound as the sky disgorged almost a dozen insanely massive pillars of pure electricity that slammed into the ocean around us, with more than half of them frying the battleships, leaving them dismasted and afire.

Once my vision returned and my ears stopped ringing, I slowly took in the sight of the Marines scrambling about on the now actively _burning_ warships around us before turning a deliberately neutral expression on Nami. “I think I can hear a song playing,” I stated.

“Let me guess, ‘Hail to the Queen’?” she inquired happily.

“Try _‘Pop goes the Bounty’.”_

_That_ caused Nami to freeze up, her mouth slightly open before she sighed and shook her head. “Yeah, that’s fair,” she reluctantly admitted.

I chuckled, mentally sending a thank you to Kalifa—and God, if that wasn’t something I never thought I’d think—and then glanced back out to sea.

I then felt euphoria begin to bubble in my chest as I realized that I really _was_ looking out to sea, because before us was the sight of a blue horizon, marred only by the last battleship, drifting along dead in the water on a parallel course.

Everyone else was swift to notice and rejoice as well.

“There’s the exit!” Merry leapt and pointed forwards joyously.

“Did you ever doubt me?” Nami regained her charisma as she smirked victoriously.

“Do you think I ever _don’t?”_ Zoro deadpanned.

“We’re free~, we’re free~!” Usopp and Chopper sing-sang as they danced around hand-in-hand with one another.

“We made it,” Robin breathed as she sighed in relief.

_CRASH!_

A moment after she said that, said last battleship found itself t-boned as _another_ one came across our path. And at its bow was a figure I immediately recognized.

“Vice Admiral Momonga,” I grit out.

“Strong?” Boss queried, his flipper drifting towards his rope-dart, accompanied by an eager glint in his eyes.

“Oh, even better,” Vivi lamented miserably.

Momonga proceeded to whip his blade from its sheath and hold it at ready in what was _clearly_ a well-practiced stance.

_“Swordsman.”_

“And she means the ‘Sea Kings make a good lunch’ kind, too,” I provided.

“Erk,” Boss responded intelligently as he snapped his hand away from his weapon as though it were on… well, you know.

“Why did I open my mouth?” Robin muttered darkly as she massaged the bridge of her nose. “I know _better_ by now, so _why?”_

“Infectious insanity?” Lassoo supplied.

“…yes, that sounds about right.”

“Nami-swan, you have a plan, right?” Sanji asked nervously.

“Yup,” she said, popping the last letter before raising her hand with her palm out. “Tag.”

Zoro snorted through his smirk as he slapped her palm with his free hand, the other occupied with tying his bandanna in place. “Right.”

Once he was past her, Nami leaned towards me. “He… does have this, right?”

“Eh…” I hedged uncertainly. “Maybe? It all depends—?”

_“Asura.”_

“—Yeah, no, he’s got this,” I amended seamlessly.

Needless to say, Zoro’s illusory doubles appearing around him left everyone gaping in stunned amazement, even me. It was one thing to hear about it in practice, but actually _seeing_ Zoro with three faces and six arms? That was… something else… wait… why did he enter the form _before_ drawing any of his blades?! As it was, he only had three hanging at his—!

My thought process ground to a halt as Zoro spread his legs and took a very specific stance, _all six_ of his hands clutching the hilt of one _very_ specific sword, and going by the way Momonga tensed on his ship, he had a good idea of what was coming too.

**“One Sword Style,”** a trio of hellish voices chorused in synch. **“Asura…”**

“Hoooo boy,” I whispered numbly as I slowly brought out my Vision Dial. “This is gonna be—!”

**_“Imperial Lion’s Anthem!”_ **

Before I could react, there was… I _think_ there was a blur of motion as Zoro and Momonga swung their blades as one—and then everything was still as Zoro slowly returned Wado Ichimonji back into its sheath.

The second the crossguard clicked against the lacquered wood, two things happened at once.

The first was that Momonga was flung _back_ from the edge of the battleship, his back slamming into the vessel’s hull as the wind was slammed out of him.

And second…

Second, Zoro’s Asura clones faded, and he walked over to Luffy, pressing his straw hat back onto his face. “And that’s that. Back to you, Captain,” he grunted.

“Thanks, Zoro!” Luffy laughed through his hat.

“Um, Zoro?” Nami cocked her eyebrow at him in a decidedly unimpressed manner. “Not that getting rid of a Vice Admiral isn’t impressive and everything, I’d just like to point out the fact that his _battleship_ is still—”

“Ah, Nami?” Boss interrupted with a cough as he tugged at her jacket, jabbing his cigar at the ship. “I would kindly suggest shutting up about now. It’s already been handled.”

Nami and I followed the direction he was pointing in and then blinked in confusion as we tried to process our eyes were telling us. It… _appeared_ like the battleship was moving in two different directions for some reason? But that didn’t make any sense, why would the aft of the ship be rising above… the…

**“Did he** ** _just cut a Marine BATTLESHIP IN HALF?”_ **Soundbite asked weakly.

I chuckled in dull amazement as I confirmed that _yes_ , the two halves of the titanic vessel were sliding apart. However, as swiftly as I was stunned, I was just as swiftly snapped _out_ of it as I noticed _another_ result of the attack.

**-o-**

_“Sweet_ shit _man, you even cut the sea and clouds! N-Not that far, admittedly, but—!”_

Mihawk cocked his eyebrow at the snail he was listening to before glancing away with a scoff. “Two steps forward—”

_“I did?”_ the ‘novice’ swordsman’s voice interrupted, the snail sporting an annoyed scowl. _“Tch, damn.”_

_“…why the hell do you sound disappointed?”_ the navigator asked in a clearly strained tone.

_“Because if I’d done that move perfectly, then_ only _the ship would have been split in half. And besides, the ship didn’t split all the way through; it broke halfway, and its own weight did the rest. Too much force, not enough control. Tch, guess I still have one hell of a long way to go.”_

_“YOU APOLOGIZE TO EVERY BEGINNER AND WEAKLING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!”_ the Straw Hats’ sniper roared indignantly.

Mihawk’s eyebrows rose again, and his lips slowly parted into a pleased smile. “Well,” he nodded in approval as he took a sip from the cup of wine he was holding. “It would appear that my successor is indeed progressing at an acceptable pace. Good, very good.”

“Gurararara! Looks like choosing the one who followed Red-Hair’s brat as your own was a good choice,” a nearby giant chuckled animatedly before sighing fondly. “Meanwhile, mine is still stuck in the thralls of his youth and rebelling with reckless abandon. Honestly…” Whitebeard shook his head with an indulgent sigh. “I love my sons dearly, but sometimes they need a good clock upside the head.”

“Like Shanks himself, unfortunately,” Mihawk scoffed with a slight leer.

Indeed, it was the very reason that he was in his current situation. His former rival’s rampage, undoubtedly to cause more trouble for the World Government so as to support his protégé, was troubling _him_ by proxy, especially given the fact that he was one of two Emperors on such a rampage. Three would remove any possibility of Mihawk not getting involved, so he had sought out the Moby Dick in hopes of discouraging such actions. He’d succeeded, and as a bonus found a new drinking companion.

“Gurararara! Now, _that’s_ an entirely different matter!” Whitebeard cackled. “Red-Hair can grow as old or strong as he wants, but he’ll _always_ be a brat at heart.”

The world’s greatest swordsman twitched before reaching for his wine bottle. “Don’t I know it.”

**-o-**

Once I managed to snap myself out of my shock, I whipped my head around and snapped my finger up at our on-staff cyborg. “FRANKY! GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE, NOW!”

Franky hesitated at that, glancing around nervously. “Wait, you mean—!? I can’t, I ran out of—!”

“Here you go!” Merry piped up as she pulled a trio of bottles out of… _somewhere_ and shoved them in his arms.

“Eh?!” Franky blinked at them in shock. “Where the hell did you—!?”

“Iceburg said that you’d run out, so he gave me these!”

“…tch. Damn Ice-for-Brains—!” Franky muttered acridly as he opened his gut fridge, swapped out the bottles, and then shuddered in disgust. “Ah, gross, this is _diet!”_

_“FRANKY!”_

“Gah, alright, alright!” Franky snapped as half the ship yelled at him, but halfway up the steps he paused and shot an uncertain look over his shoulder. “But… if I _do_ use it—”

“It’s the only way,” Merry cut him off with a voice full of iron. _“Do it.”_

Franky turned his uncertain expression towards the Klabautermann, but seeing her immovable expression, he nodded and dashed to the caravel’s stern. “Alright, everyone hang on tight, because I’m giving her all I’ve got. Max Cola Power!”

“EVERYONE HANG ONTO YOUR _EVERYTHING!”_ I called out as I leaped to the nearest line and wrapped it around my arm. “BECAUSE WE!”

“THIRD TIME, BABY!” Merry laughed ecstatically as she jumped up and down on her own head. _“THIS IS AN EAST BLUE RECORD!”_

“ARE!”

“LET’S GOOOOO!” Luffy whooped at the top of his lungs.

_“OUTTA HERE!”_

**“SAYONARA,** ** _suckahs!”_ **Soundbite roared as loud as he could.

_“COUP DE VENT!”_

And just like that, I felt a few Gs of wind slamming into me, like Reverse Mountain and the Knock-Up Stream all over again. We were _flying_ again… we were _free_ again.

“And, just to discourage anyone from taking potshots at us, SPECIAL ATTACK: SMOKE STAR!” Usopp declared, letting the smoke bomb fly and complete the image of what we were leaving behind: what had been a deadly fleet in a Government base not one hour ago was now matchsticks and razors.

And at that moment? I let all the tension leave me as I threw back my head, flung my fist in the air…

“WE WOOOOON!”

And shouted our victory to the ends of the earth.

**-o-**

Sengoku drew in a deep breath through his nose as he kept his eyes firmly closed, slowly counting down from a thousand by multiples of seven in a bid to remain calm.

“Let me see if I have this straight,” he stated slowly and clearly. “We have lost Enies Lobby. We have lost CP9. We have lost a dozen battleships. We have lost thousands of soldiers. We are still trying to locate where Kizaru landed. And we have months’ worth of repair work to perform on the Gates of Justice. And meanwhile, the Straw Hat Pirates and their sixty allies all left the island alive?”

“That sounds about right, yeah,” Admiral Aokiji drawled coolly.

“And you’re advocating…” Sengoku slowly cracked his eyes open. “That we let. Them. Go.”

Aokiji considered that for a moment before nodding in agreement. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Sengoku slowly slid his eyes shut and slowed his breathing anew before slowly reopening them several dozen feet higher and with a _lot_ more light. **“If your reasoning isn’t the best I have heard since I joined the Marines, I will trade you to Big Mom to act as her refrigerator until the end of your days in exchange for whatever islands I can get.”**

To his credit, Aokiji only swallowed minutely under the force of Sengoku’s divine glare. “Simple,” he drawled in an only _just_ calm voice. “The world’s already in turmoil, and it’s going to get worse as the Straw Hats’ latest broadcast sinks in. And that’s on top of the casualties we suffered today. The last thing we need is to storm a nominally allied nation to get at the Straw Hats.”

_“And that is_ if _they still decide to stay allied with us, after the first entry from that blackbook,”_ an older woman’s voice cut in from nearby.

**“Tsuru,”** Sengoku growled in a barely civil tone.

“Vice Admiral Tsuru,” Aokiji nodded politely to the snail.

_“Sengoku, Kuzan. If Iceburg hasn’t canceled all contracts between us by now, he_ will _if we pull a stunt as harebrained as a full-scale military invasion. And if we do that anyway, the best-case scenario would be that Cross and the rest of the Straw Hats die as martyrs, removing any doubt in his words. Tearing an island apart to kill the Straw Hats, and giving no concern to the nation they’re in? It would be the final nail in the World Government’s coffin, and for more reasons than one. Dragon would sink his fangs into the opportunity with_ gusto _, and I doubt he’s the only one_. _This was a complete and utter defeat, Sengoku; the best we can do now is cut our losses and prepare our next move.”_

The Fleet Admiral of the Navy stared at the snail silently for a moment before slowly closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath.

Then he released that breath, and opened his tired eyes as he stared down at the deck of his ship.

“…is Spandam still alive?” he asked softly.

A slight glint appeared in Aokiji’s eye as he perked up a bit. “Yes, Vice Admiral Doberman has him on board his ship. He’s in bad shape, clearly, but alive.”

**-o-**

_“Shouldn’t I be passing out by now?! Oh, God, the pain!_

**-o-**

Sengoku allowed a smirk to come over his face. “Good. We’ll start cutting our losses by publishing every detail of what happens to him. Not even Cross will be able to call it _anything_ but Justice.”

_“…Sengoku, I do believe that that is easily the best idea you’ve had all day,”_ Tsuru replied.

**-o-**

A grunt on the other end signified the conversation to be over, and Tsuru hung up the snail with a heavy sigh.

“So…” Garp grunted as he munched on a rice cracker. “When do you think you’re gonna forgive him?”

The elderly Vice Admiral shook her head regretfully. “Not for awhile, I’m afraid. We’ve had our differences before, but… well, haven’t you noticed he’s not the same man we trained with? That we graduated with?”

“Yeah, no shit, before he didn’t hit even half as hard,” Garp grumbled as he rubbed his chin before shrugging indifferently. “But what the hell did you expect, eh? Heavy is the head that wears the… ah, damn…” He started snapping his finger helplessly. “What was it, what was it… top hat, I think?”

“Crown, Vice Admiral,” Momonga provided dryly as he dabbed oil onto his blade.

“Yeah, that!” Garp pointed at the swordsman with a grin. “Heavy is the head that, eh… blast, the golden asshole really _does_ hit harder. Anyway, what he said.”

Tsuru shook her head sadly. “I know that he has burdens, Garp, I do. I have them myself. I understand that… or at least I _thought_ I did.” She massaged her face tiredly. “I thought he was standing strong all this time, that I was helping him bear the weight however I could, but instead it appears that all he’s been doing is bending further and further in order to better accommodate it, and that…” Tsuru clicked her tongue sadly. “Well, I’m afraid that I just can’t approve.”

“Quite the moral dilemma,” Momonga observed sagely.

“Definitely one heck of a brain-twister,” Garp nodded as he prepared to take a bite out of another cracker, before pausing and blinking at the youngest Vice Admiral present in surprise. “Eh? Bushy-tail? When the heck did you get here, brat? And why? _And_ how, I thought you were on the other side of those…” The eldest Monkey winced as he shook out his thoroughly bandaged hand. _“Stupid_ tough Gates.”

The swordsman gave his senior officer a flat look. “I’ve been here for the past three minutes, using my sword-maintenance kit which I left here to repair Josho Kiryu. And as for how I got here—” He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder to indicate the decapitated Sea King floating next to the battleship. “I _swam.”_

Garp blinked at the deceased titan in surprise. “Huh. So you did.” He then blinked again in surprise. “Wait, ‘repair’ that rodent-sword of yours? How come? I mean, sure, that Roronoa fellow might have beaten your technique, but seeing as you’re not hurt he didn’t beat your Haki.”

“That’s because I got my Haki up in time once I realized that I was outclassed in traditional swordsmanship. I was able to protect myself…” Momonga frowned as he turned his Josho Kiryu in _just_ such a manner to display the exceedingly deep rent in its blade. “But Josho wasn’t as lucky.”

Garp whistled in awe as he examined the sword’s injury. “And I thought they were impressive before. Yamakaji’s got the right of it: Monsters and demons, the lot of them.”

“As if we’re any better?”

“Eh?” Garp blinked at Tsuru in confusion.

“How do you do it, Garp?” Tsuru asked him. “The only excuse that I can conjure is that I’ve had tunnel vision from supporting Sengoku, but you? You’ve never allowed your perspective to be so limited. How can you support this, Garp? How can you accept that _this…”_ She waved her hands upwards, indicating the pillar of smoke that was steadily rising above the gates and blotting out the eternal sun. “Is what the world accepts as Justice?”

Garp frowned and tilted his head to the side as he processed the question for a moment before allowing a grin to come over his face. “Oh, that’s easy: that crap just doesn’t matter to me, Tsuru. You know that. Absolute Justice, Lazy Justice, Moral Justice, whatever, it’s all bunk and opinions and stuff. Me? I’ll just do what’s right and keep following the same thing I always have: my gut." 

Tsuru’s expression softened slightly. “…I see. And… what does your gut say now?”

Garp stood silent for a few seconds as he contemplated the question… And then both Momonga and Tsuru felt chills shoot down their spines as Garp adopted a smile that they had never known to _not_ mean trouble.

“It’s saying… that I should take a few days off to pay my cute little grandson a _visit.”_

**-o-**

Meanwhile, the SBS hadn’t stopped broadcasting yet, but with the war over and the victors clear as crystal, the world was already trembling from the shock of what the Straw Hats had done.

And no less awe-inspiring, the Straw Hats were still laughing. Laughing in triumph about their victory over the _World Government_.

_“HAHAHAHA! I’m starting to understand how you feel when your adrenaline spikes, Cross; in retrospect, that was_ awesome!” Usopp cackled.

_“Yes, talk about an amazing first adventure!”_ Conis gushed. _“I nearly died three or four times over, but it was still amazing!”_

_“Okay, now, those parts were_ less _awesome.”_

_“Yeah, yeah, that’s true, but this conclusion? To have reclaimed one’s comrades in the face of impossible odds, conquering our adversaries without a single casualty on our side, this is truly… A MA_ —”

_BLAM!_

“SILENCE, YOU LITTLE PEST.”

The Transponder Snail hastily snapped back into its shell as a bullet glanced off of the edge of its rig. The rest of the civilians in the store, who had remained on their knees, mostly enjoying the broadcast in peace, all flinched fearfully in response to the sudden gunshot.

Meanwhile, the World Noble who had fired upon the snail snarled and snorted murderously as he handed the empty pistol off to one of his aides and received a loaded one in return.

“Those insufferable heretics,” Saint Jamolomew snarled as he cocked the new gun. “Daring to defy the divine order of the world, daring to fill my ears with their odious voices… it’s bad enough that my servants are so _incompetent!”_ He emphasized the word by pistol-whipping the aide standing next to him, the suit-wearing man taking the blow with a wince but little else. “That I have to bother myself by leaving Mariejois to get some more suitable _rags_ for my slaves.” He turned his glare back at the snail shivering on the other side of the room. “But now I am subjected to their odious laughter even now?! Who answered that snail?!” The civilians in the room flinched as he swung his gun over the room. “I demand that you stand up and atone for your sins this instant!”

Slowly, one of the clerks in the store stood up, only just managing to keep her tears under control. “I-I-I’m sorry, m-my lord! W-We were listening t-to the SBS before you entered our h-humble esta— _hovel!_ Humble hovel, a-and because we must kneel in your g-glorious presence, w-we couldn’t s-silence it until—!”

“You dare,” Jamolomew cut her off. “To blame _me_ for your crimes!?”

“N-N-No my lord, I-I-I swear, I—!” the woman sobbed fearfully as she shook her head.

“Oh, just shut up and _die,_ would you?” the World Noble spat. With that, he pulled the trigger, the hammer swung forward—

_CLINK!_

—and was stopped cold by an armored finger getting in the way before it could ignite the gunpowder.

“What the—!?” The Noble stared at the finger in confusion before trailing it back to one of his guards. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, mongrel!?”

“When I joined the World Government,” the knight said in an emotionless tone. “It was for the express purpose of protecting the innocent from those who would do them harm. And now…” He cocked his head to the side. “I am stopping you from harming an innocent woman.”

“You…” Jamolomew shook with impotent rage. “You _dare_ to lay your hands upon me?! Me, one of the holy rulers of this world!? I shall have you _executed!”_

“Oh, really?” the knight glanced around at the other members of the entourage moving to grab him before speaking a word that stopped them all flat. “How?”

“Wh—are you stupidly insane or insanely stupid!?” the ‘Saint’ spat venomously. “When the World Government hears of this, this _heresy,_ they will—!”

“Do what?” the knight shot back. “In case you hadn’t noticed, the World Government just got kicked in the balls, and the vast majority of the Marines’ military forces are currently at Enies Lobby. They have _no one_ left to spare.” The knight slowly swept his gaze over his comrades. “He’s all alone. So the question isn’t really what he will do to us. Rather…” He looked back at the Noble. “I’d say it’s what we’re going to do to him.”

The Noble sputtered indignantly at the words, an action that merely intensified when the rest of his entourage slowly looked at him as well.

“Wha-What do you think you’re doing!?” he stammered indignantly, swinging his head back and forth as the civilians in the shop all slowly started to get to their feet, all of them staring at him as well.

“Simply fulfilling the dream of every single civilian alive with the misfortune to have crossed your path,” the rebel guard stated.

“Y-You can’t do this! I-I’m a World Noble, a-a Celestial Dragon! My-My blood—AGH!” Saint Jamolomew was cut off by an armored fist closing around his throat.

“Somebody lock the doors,” the knight said in a dead tone.

The clerk who had been about to die, her face now a mask of cold fury stained with tear tracks, wordlessly moved to comply, shutting the door and flipping the sign to closed.

“Y-YOU CAN’T DO THIS! T-THIS IS HERESY! _T-THIS IS MADNESS! THIS—!”_

“What this is…”

_BLAM!_

_“—AAAAAAAGH!”_

“Is _Justice_. _”_

**-o-**

“M-M-Marine Headquarters! Th-This is Base 227 of Jabowana requesting backup!”

“ON THE DOUBLE!” screamed a large number of Marines who were struggling to maintain the barricades that were only just barely managing to hold the doors of their base shut, and they were steadily buckling inwards.

“O-On the double!” the Marine frantically repeated. “W-We are currently in the midst of a c-code red situation! The-The entire population of the island has risen up against our base, a-against the entire Marine presence in the _kingdom!_ They’re storming the barracks, w-we—!”

_SMASH!_

The soldier winced fearfully as glass and flames showered down from on high on account of a scarily accurate Molotov. “We can’t stop them! A-And even worse…” He glanced out through a gap in the barricade, taking in the prominent number of similarly uniformed people supporting an impromptu battering ram. “A-Almost forty percent of the base’s guard force has handed in their resignations and joined with the rebels! We’re not going to last much longer, please respond immediately!”

A few seconds of relative silence fell as he awaited a response. Then…

“…Petty Officer Martino?” one of the other soldiers asked in a tone of impending doom.

“Y-Yes?”

“Is that snail… even _transmitting?”_

The Petty Officer looked back at the gastropod to see that it was staring at him with half-lidded eyes, but was saying nothing. And then, then its mouth widened into a grin. A grin vaguely reminiscent of—

“You… You little…” Martino croaked numbly.

The snail responded by mouthing two _very_ specific words.

Before the Marine could respond, the air was split by the sound of snapping wood, and a victorious roar.

“… _shit.”_

**-o-**

“…repeat, Marine code 28117. Attention Marine Headquarters, this is Master Chief Petty Officer Pearlow calling in with a situational report of the aftermath of the…” The Marine swallowed heavily as he tried to keep his nerves under control.

This feat was easier said than done, seeing as he was hiding out on top of a cliff with a snail and watching an entire _city_ burn below him.

“Of the… _events_ that occurred on Enies Lobby just ten minutes ago. Suffice to say that… matters are dire.”

The Marine drew in a shuddering breath. “Because of the… _provocative_ nature of the actions of the Straw Hat Pirates, as well as the nature of the… _information_ that was divulged in the course of said actions, major civil unrest has started to occur on a… on a global scale. We have received numerous reports from all four of the Blues, as well as the Grand Line. Of the nations that compose the World Government, we have received notice that…”

The soldier had to take a moment to muster his nerves before forcing himself to continue. “That… roughly 8% of the nations that compose the World Government… have either seceded or have been overthrown… and that another 12% are staving off revolutions and uprisings. Furthermore, we have lost contact with dozens of Marine bases and vessels across the seas, and are receiving countless reports of pirate activity around the world. In summation…”

The soldier was trembling now, and his nerves weren’t helped by the sight of the city’s base slowly crumbling in on itself, flames leaping from its shattered husk with an almost victorious-sounding roar.

“In summation…”

He swallowed, and then, in a fit of panic, yelled out what he was sure was the only accurate summation of the past six hours’ events.

**-o-**

_“THIS IS, BEYOND A DOUBT, THE DARKEST DAY IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WORLD GOVERNMENT!”_

Far away upon the summit of the world, five old men stared at a snail, their expressions grim and the atmosphere around them thunderous as the world systematically crumbled beneath them.

**-o-**

Let me tell you something interesting that I learned after the end of Enies: When the surge of adrenaline is high enough, the high can last you for a _very_ long time.

This was evidenced by the fact that even several minutes after our escape and some hard sailing later, we were _still_ amped from what we’d all just gone through.

“PFFHAHAHAAAA! WOO!” I cackled energetically. “We just handed the World Government their collective asses! And we’re the Mates that pulled off our escape, to boot! High-five, you two!” I shot my hand up at my comrades.

Nami and Zoro stared silently at my hand for a moment before exchanging flat looks.

My face promptly fell into an equally flat scowl. “Leave me hanging and I swear that I’ll air your dirty laundry across the world, and _don’t_ fool yourselves into thinking that I don’t have any.”

_SLAP!_

“Yes!” I pumped my fist victoriously as I considered that we’d just pulled off a three-way high five between the three mates of the _Straw Hat Pirates!_

_“Jackass,”_ the two chorused flatly.

“Oh, like you aren’t both smiling?!”

I just laughed harder as they looked away with blushes and, yes, smirks.

That done, I started wandering the deck, weaving around my fellow crewmates’ various celebrations, catching sight of Robin standing ever so slightly off to the side and allowing an eager grin to slide across my face, a look that Soundbite and Lassoo mirrored with just as much enthusiasm.

“Ohhh, Rooobiiin~?” I crooned in a saccharine tone.

The archaeologist stiffened, and slowly turned to look at me. If her smile wasn’t nervous when she did so, it definitely was after she saw the look on my face. “Yes, Cross?” she asked, her tone deceptively stable.

“Remember how I said, oh _so_ long ago, that I would one day get my revenge on you for nearly killing me in Whiskey Peak?” I purred as I stepped towards her, Lassoo slinking away and out of sight behind me. “Aaand for nearly letting Chopper play Mad Doctor on me? _Aaand,_ of course, for helping to _justify_ Vivi’s habit of kicking me in my ‘Man’s Pride’?”

The archaeologist was now _visibly_ sweating as she slowly inched away from me. “Ahh… heheheh… I-I remember you saying _something_ apropos to that train of thought, yes…”

“Weeell, see, I only bring that up…” My grin slowly widened as Lassoo got behind her legs and stopped her retreat, allowing me to shove my mad look in her face. “Because it’s _finally_ time to pay the piper.”

And so, before she could react, I shot my arm around her neck, grabbed her in a chokehold, slipped my fist beneath her hat and…

“PAYBACK, YOU STONE-COLD BITCH! PFHAHAHA _HAAAAA!”_ I cackled uproariously as I noogied her but _damn_ good.

“Agh, what the— _OWOWOWOW, LET GO, LET GO!”_ Robin _squealed_ as she struggled in my grip.

I only got a few seconds of fun before Sanji trying to take my head off forced me to let go, but by then I’d already had my fun and I was in _stitches._

“PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!”

_“You little—!”_ Sanji fumed.

“Ooowww…” Robin groaned as she rubbed her burning scalp before shooting a glare at me that was more confused than angry. “What on earth was _that_ in aid of, Cross?”

I replied with a malevolent smirk. “Oh, what was it in aid of, you ask? Simple!” I drew my transceiver’s mic from my bag and held it close to my mouth, making sure that no one could mistake what I was about to say. “I just wanted to let the world hear as I gave _Nico Robin_ a _noogie!”_ My spirits soared as Robin’s cheeks brightened with a blush. “Good luck getting your rep back after _that_ little stunt, witch-bitch!”

“NO, _that’s_ ** _NAMI!”_ **Soundbite cackled.

“I’m going to punt your head all the way back to Sengoku, Cross!” Sanji fumed indignantly as he stalked up to me.

“Whoa, hey hey!” I shot my hands up defensively as he came at me. “I have a valid excuse, I’ll have you know!”

_“What!?”_ he demanded in a tone that promised death.

“Well, ah…” I hesitated slightly… before glancing to the side with a blush as I scratched my cheek. “It’s… it’s just that it’s a little brother’s duty to embarrass his older sister, you know?”

Sanji blinked dumbfoundedly. And before he could gather enough wherewithal to react, Robin shoved past him and… hugged me.

I blinked in stunned silence for a bit… before returning the hug with just as much gusto.

“…Thank you,” she whispered, before raising her tearstained gaze to look up at everyone else. “Thank you, all of you, for saving me.”

Sanji instantly snapped out of his anger towards me as a heart replaced his eye, while Luffy grinned his typical grin, and shot her a thumbs-up. Most everyone else just smiled, several with wet eyes. Boss, in particular, was wiping a tear away.

“Ah, what a glorious moment…” he sighed rapturously. “I just wish my boys could be here, too,”

_SPLASH!_

“YOU CALLED?”

All attention snapped to the edge of the boat, where the TDWS was perched on the railing and leaping down onto the deck. Boss was quick to snap over to them and wrap them all up in a shell-breaking hug, gushing over a Man’s… _something_ or other; I myself was a bit too busy trying to figure out how the _goat_ they had gotten there to pay attention to the specifics.

“…But… you… and… how the _hell—?”_ I sputtered weakly.

**“Sea turtles, mate,”** Soundbite rasped deeply.

“…Right. Sea turtles,” I nodded in agreement.

“Indeed, Sea Turtles are quite the hearty creatures!” Kokoro cackled as she knocked back a bottle she’d pulled from _somewhere._

“How the heck do you think I made it back to Water 7 after I fixed myself, huh?” Franky laughed confidently.

“Personally? I always thought that you were just too stupid to drown, Flunky.”

“STICK A LATHE IN IT, ICE-FOR— _hurk!?”_ Franky choked on his own words as he spun on his heels. _“ICE-FOR-BRAINS?!”_

The Mayor of Water 7 smirked from atop his vessel, which had _somehow_ crept up on us as he mock-saluted his old friend. “Miss me, you metal meat-head?”

Franky blinked stupidly for a second before cackling uproariously. “Not on your life, you limp-wristed walking cooler!”

“OK, that’s just hypocritical,” Mikey pointed out with a bark of laughter.

I chuckled as the back-and-forth went on, watching as everyone on board gathered to—

Wait a second. Everyone? No, that wasn’t right, we were missing—?

A slight sound _just_ brushed against my inner ear, drawing my attention. “The heck…?” I muttered before glancing at Soundbite. “Did you—?”

_“Uhh…”_ Soundbite’s eyestalks started to swivel around…

_‘…ngh…’_

When the sound came again and caught _both_ of our attentions, and with directionality to boot.

I immediately started creeping towards the mast, where the noise was coming from, because… well, who _wouldn’t_ look when they heard the sound of whimpering just on the edge of their hearing?

Slowly and with no small amount of trepidation, I peered my head around the edge of the mast… and my heart nearly stopped at what I saw.

Merry’s Klabautermann, her transparent body flickering like a bad hologram, was curled up against the mast and shaking with what could be nothing else but absolutely _excruciating_ agony as she clutched at her midsection. When she noticed me standing there and staring at her with tangible horror, she turned a rictus smile up at me and forced out a pained chuckle. “S-So Idiotb-burg is here, huh? T-that’s good, ‘c-cause…” Her smile widened with tar black humor as she raised a hand from her stomach.

I only just managed to keep from falling to my knees as I saw that it was covered in blood.

“It looks like…” she smiled through her tears. “It’s finally time for me… to give up the ghost. Sorry, Cross…”

And just like that, she was gone.

Soundbite hissed in a horrified gasp. _“CROSS—!”_

“HER HEAD!” I roared at the top of my lungs, pumping as much desperation into my voice as I _possibly_ could. “GRAB MERRY’S HEAD, NOW!”

It was a testament to just how much everyone trusted me that _no one_ questioned me, with Luffy, Vivi, Boss and Franky shooting their limbs and weapons at Merry’s head and grabbing on for dear life the instant I screamed.

And not a moment too soon either, because almost a _second_ later, a chorus of _SNAPS!_ rang out, and what had to be a dozen of Merry’s deck planks splintered and tore. It was only via hasty support from the _rest_ of our crew that Merry’s saviors weren’t dragged off their feet.

In the end, Merry stayed whole… but the highly audible chorus of groans that were starting to sound out across the ship didn’t inspire even a fraction of confidence.

“MERRY!” Usopp wailed frantically.

“Oh, no, ship-girl!” Chimney gasped in horror.

“Oh, no, oh, no!” Gonbe parroted, looking legitimately horrified.

“What-What happened?” Nami demanded incredulously. “Sh-She was doing fine the whole way through Enies—”

“She was _faking_ ,” Franky groaned as he tried to maintain his stable stance. “Damn, shoulda seen this coming. It’s no big surprise that Iceburg was able to put her into good enough shape to make it to another island. But not even Tom himself could have made her seaworthy for more than half a day with _this much_ damage.”

Iceburg shook his head with a heavy sigh. “I warned her, but… she insisted, and I only thought it just to satisfy her final wishes. I’m… sorry, Straw Hats, but it’s time for you to say your goodbyes. I’ve already—”

“WAIT!”

Everyone turned to look at the person who’d shouted.

Turned to look at me.

“Iceburg, _please_ ,” I pleaded as I spread my arms desperately. “Y-You’ve got Galley-La with you, right? Then please, fix her up. Just one more time. Make her look at her absolute best just _one more time_.”

Iceburg gave me a sad look. “Cross, I’ve already done all I can, there’s nothing more—”

“LET HER FIGHT, DAMN IT!” I cut him off as I shouted furiously.

“C-Cross…” Usopp said hesitantly.

I huffed as I got some air back in my lungs before continuing. “All this time, we’ve been saying that we’ve won our fight, that we’ve beaten the world…” I said before shaking my head with a scowl. “But that’s a lie! We’re _not_ done fighting, we still have one last comrade who needs our help! Merry…” My fists clenched at my sides as I stared downwards. “Merry gave her _everything_ to try and help us, to save our _lives!_ And she’s still fighting, even now, still fighting to stay _alive…_ ” I sucked in a deep gasp before shouting again. “AND I CAN GIVE HER THE CHANCE SHE NEEDS TO WIN!”

_That_ caught everyone off guard.

“Wait, _what!?”_ Kokoro hacked in shock as she coughed up a mouthful of her drink.

“Are you serious!?” Usopp demanded.

“Really, Cross?!” Luffy grinned happily.

I shook my head firmly. “It’s a hell of a long shot, not a guarantee, a gamble at its utmost best… but damn it all, look around!” I cast my arm out at my crewmates. “We’ve been hitting on all sixes all day, what’s one more all-or-nothing throw!? One last shot, one last chance! But!” I glared Iceburg dead in the eyes, tears streaming down my face as I started to rapidly lose control. “For Merry to keep fighting, for her to have that shot… she needs, _needs_ to be in one piece. You’re the only one who can do it, Iceburg! Only you can save her life! So… so that’s why…”

I collapsed to my knees and rammed my brow into the floorboards, bowing my head as low as it would go.

“I’M BEGGING YOU!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “I’M BEGGING YOU WITH EVERY LAST FIBER OF MY BEING, WITH EVERYTHING THAT I’VE GOT, TO PLEASE, _PLEASE HELP US!_ GIVE MERRY A CHANCE! GIVE MERRY ONE LAST CHANCE TO FIGHT ON! _GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO LIVE!”_

Not a single second later, I heard several other thumps around me, my crewmates to a man, woman, and beast mirroring my actions. I waited…

“Galley-La,” Iceburg said firmly. “All hands on deck. We have work to do.”

I looked up in time to see Iceburg’s gaze turn to our future shipwright. “I…” I snorted a goodly amount of snot back into my nostril. “I-I can count on you to help too, right, Franky?”

Franky grinned wryly. “Not a chance in hell that I wouldn’t, Cross. COME ON, CHUMPS!” the cyborg slammed into his trademark pose eagerly. “LET ME SHOW YOU HOW A _REAL_ SHIPWRIGHT GETS BUSINESS DONE!”

And with that, the best and brightest of Water 7 sprang to work.

**-o-**

It was touch and go for a while there, but five minutes later the rest of the crew and I were standing in a longboat floating a few feet in front of Merry. We had spared enough time on board Iceburg’s ship to drop off our weapons, naturally excluding Lassoo and equally naturally excluding Zoro’s swords, and Kokoro and her family had stayed there while we got back to a closer level with Merry.

Credit where it was due, Galley-La weren’t called the best for shits and giggles. Seriously, repairing a ship that thoroughly in the middle of the freaking ocean? And watching Iceburg work, alongside Franky at that? It was just… damn. Just damn.

But anyways, in no time at all the deed was done and Merry was floating before us in one piece… though the sheer number of planks, over her hull, however immaculately arranged, belied just how desperate the situation was.

“She’s in as good a position as we can manage,” Iceburg informed us solemnly from his own boat as he wiped the pitch from his hands. “But it won’t last; every wave that hits is tearing her apart at the nails. As it is, I’ll be surprised if she lasts the hour.”

“Merry…” Usopp and Chopper sobbed tearfully as they observed our crippled companion.

“Normally, I’d say something witty about now,” Franky grunted as he pulled himself into the boat. “But honestly? Iceburg’s being nice. You’ve got half that, max. Whatever you’ve got planned, Cross, it better be damn good.”

I grit my teeth as I cracked my neck side to side in preparation. “Then I guess it’s appropriate that what I’m about to pull is what can only be described as our last resort.”

“Cross, are you seriously going to—” Boss cut himself off with a glance at the bag at my side, then started again. “Are you seriously going to _accept?!”_ Boss demanded.

I turned to him with a dry look. “Up until now, I may have thought that it wasn’t worth it. But faced with the reality that it’s either that or watching her die? Would you consider it worth it?”

The four who knew stared at me, but I shook my head. “But… don’t worry, because that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ve got one more trick up my sleeve before I resign myself to…” I shuddered heavily. _“That._ If it doesn’t work, then I’ll do it, but…” I allowed a slightly hopeful smile to cross my face. “Considering what it is…”

“Did I miss something?” Robin asked.

Boss shook his head with a shrug. “Beats me. He said… _something_ about having a way to save Merry in the tower, but he got attacked by a pigeon before he could say more.”

“…It’s a fine day in the Grand Line when I can hear a sentence like that and not question how much it makes sense,” Franky shook his head.

I was silent for a moment before turning to face everyone. “Riddle me this, everyone: how many members were there in CP9? Ah!” I hastily cut off anyone’s incredulous protests with a raised hand. “My nerves are running a mile an hour and talking is the only way I keep calm. _Humor me.”_

Nami exhaled heavily, obviously counting down under her breath before ticking off her fingers. “If you’re counting Spandam, his sword and the pigeon? Ten all told.”

I allowed a content smirk to quirk my lips as I held up a single finger. “Try… _eleven.”_

_That_ drew her up short. “What!? But, wait—!” Nami hastily started counting down on her fingers again.

“If we do indeed count Spandam and Funkfreed amongst the Pol’s ranks,” I cut her off with a chuckle. “Then before this all started, there were five of them waiting for us on Enies, in the Tower of Justice… and _six_ escorting Robin in the Puffing Tom.”

“Uh, hold on, gimme a second,” Su muttered as she balanced on her hind legs and started counting down on her forepaw’s toes. “Lucci, Hattori, Kaku, Kalifa, Blueno… that’s only five!” she looked up in confusion. “Who’s number six?”

I smirked as I held up a hand and started raising fingers. “Lucci, Hattori, Kaku, Kalifa, Blueno…” I then held up my other hand and popped my index finger. “And _Nero.”_

Everyone on the crew was confused… except for our cook, who only just managed to keep from sucking down his cigarette.

“The _sea-weasel?”_ he coughed in confusion. “But-But he was a weakling! He didn’t even know all of the Six Powers! He was nowhere near even Blueno, and that bull was one of the weakest!”

“He was rushed through, yeah,” I chuckled in agreement. “But nevertheless, he _was_ a member of Cipher Pol No. 9! And that’s important… because of the last assignment that Jabra, Fukuro and Kumadori pulled off a week ago.” I spread my arms as I explained. “It was known as Operation Famine, the destruction of an ocean-spanning smuggling ring. The agents proper took out the big fishes controlling the thing, while the normal soldiers confiscated the goods.”

“How is any of this relevant, Cross?” Zoro demanded impatiently.

“It’s relevant…” I all but giggled hysterically as I dug out the small chest I’d been carrying the whole time from my bag and held it in my palm. “Because to save Merry, we need to beat the world. To beat this situation, we need to reject the laws of physics _._ We need to break reality _itself_. And the only way we can do that…” I flipped open the chest’s latch. “Is to make use of just _what_ the ring specialized at dealing in.”

And with that, I cracked the lid of the miniature chest open… and everyone gasped and reeled in nothing short of utter shock as I displayed the sole content of the padded interior.

A peach, colored pink, and emblazoned with a twisted and glossy stem and swirl pattern that streamed along it. Even now, my second time looking at it, I couldn’t help but try and trace the design with my eyes, but… it was useless. Every time I tried, my eyes just… slid off it, and the patterns seemed to shift and roil before me.

Devil Fruits… what a truly appropriate appellation.

“That’s a…” Franky breathed.

“Yup…” I nodded with a somewhat mad grin. “The ring was smuggling them and selling them to the highest bidder, and when CP9 busted them, Spandam kept _three_ of them for his unpowered oversea operatives.” I giggled under my breath as I held up a pair of fingers. “Kaku and Kalifa got the Ox-Ox Fruit, Model: Giraffe and the Bubble-Bubble Fruit, respectively, but Nero? Nero never made it, so _this_ was left over, hidden away until Spandam could think of another use for it.”

I tapped the chest’s lid a bit frantically. “This. This is how we’re going to save Merry, right here.”

While a few of our number, such as Luffy, Chopper and Mikey, were still stuck in ‘awestruck’ mode, more than half of our crew couldn’t help but exchange uneasy glances.

“…Cross, what exactly are you planning?” Robin finally brought herself to ask.

I responded by glancing over my shoulder at Merry. “The entire reason things have escalated this far is that as a ship, Merry can’t heal her wounds. Every little injury she gets is permanent. But what _if_ she could heal them? What if she could keep live and breathe and heal like any other biological entity on the seas…” I slowly turned my maddened grin on Lassoo. “All while still technically an object.”

Lassoo’s jaw led everyone else’s in dropping. “You crazy son of a _bitch.”_

“No, that would be you!” I giggled hysterically.

“Cross, do you even hear what you’re suggesting!?” Vivi demanded. “The odds of this working—!”

“Are at their most _basic_ one-in-three!” I snapped back. “Paramecia, Logia, and _Zoan!_ If it’s a Zoan type, then irrelevant of what it is, she can heal, she can _live!”_

“But—!” she started again.

“But nothing!” I cut her off heatedly. “Damn it, don’t you get it yet?! This is our last shot! I—!” I cut myself off with a ragged gasp, my emotions slipping past my frustration, forcing me to slow down as I tried to stay under control. “I… I realize that it’s a long shot, damn it… that… that the odds are _stupidly_ against us… but…”

Tears fell from my cheeks to the deck of the boat, and it took all I had to keep from utterly breaking down.

“But…” I whispered through my tears. “But… I… I _promised her,_ damn it… I _promised her_ that I would find a way for her to stay with us. That I would save her. And—!” I snapped my watery gaze up at Vivi. “I-I realize that it was a _stupid_ promise, I do, b-but the fact is that I made it! And if I… if I can’t keep a promise I made… if I don’t fight tooth and nail to keep a promise I made to a friend…” I bowed my head miserably. “Then… then I don’t deserve… to call myself a Straw Hat…”

Everyone digested that for a few seconds. Then Luffy spoke up. “How do we feed her, Cross?”

I took a second to get my nerves back under control before opening my mouth to respond… and for once in my time here on the Grand Line… nothing came out. I… was at a loss for words.

But before any of that could really hit me…

“If I… eat that…”

My thoughts were slammed to a dead halt by a voice whispering behind me, prompting me to spin around in shock.

Merry was _right there_ , her midsection bloodied and her form flickering and barely even visible… but she was _there._

“If I… eat that fruit…” She whispered, her voice little more than a breeze. “Then I… can stay with you all?”

“I-I…” I hesitated slightly, the sheer gravity of the moment _finally_ giving me some measure of trepidation. “M-Maybe, but Merry, you have to know, it’s beyond risky and—!”

Before I could say anything further, Merry’s hand shot out, snatched the fruit and stuffed it in her mouth, bulging her cheeks out as she chewed.

I blinked stupidly as I tried to process _what the fuck had just happened._ “Wha—?”

Soon enough Merry swallowed the mouthful and started speaking frantically. “I-I’m so sorry about that Cross, I know that it was stupid and risky and all that but I just—!!!” she suddenly cut herself off, what little of her complexion was visible turning a furious ashen color.

“Merry?” I leaned in worriedly. “Merry, what’s wrong?! Please, Merry, talk to—!”

“SWEET MOTHER OF ALL LEAKY-KEELED MARINE ROWBOATS, THAT THING TASTED LIKE SEA KING DICKBALLS!” Merry suddenly howled skywards as she stuck her tongue out.

“…eh?” I blinked in shock.

“Crude… but accurate, I would say,” Robin shuddered with a grimace.

“Ditto,” Luffy, Chopper, Soundbite _and_ Lassoo all concurred.

“…The rumor about Klabautermanns cursing like sailors is true? God bless this day,” Iceburg breathed upwards.

Once I finally got my wits about me, I fell back on my one true failsafe. “And… you know what that would taste like _how,_ exactly?” That is to say, snark.

“OH, SCREW—! _HURK!”_

Before any of us could react, Merry suddenly doubled over and staggered backwards, swaying drunkenly on her feet.

“Merry! What’s wrong!?” Usopp asked frantically.

“Ah… I, ah…” Merry shook her head blearily. “Guys? I… I don’t… I don’t feel so…”

And with that she keeled over the side of the longboat… at the same time that her bigger half suddenly _vanished_ , causing all of the seawater around where it had been to rush to fill in the void that was suddenly left gaping in the water. The sudden movement caught us all off guard and even threw a few of us off our feet… but through all the confusion, one thing stuck out to me.

A small patch of darkness in the water… that was growing smaller every moment.

“MERRY!” I roared, sparing just enough time to toss my jacket and partner at Luffy before diving into the water and swimming harder than I’d ever swam before.

It burned my scars like hell, sweet _hell_ did it burn, and my lack of goggles meant that I couldn’t see worth shit either… but nevertheless I was able to catch up to the form below me and grab their arm before they sank too deep. I then pulled them to me and reversed course… or _tried_ to at least. Surprise, surprise, ‘Hammers’ wasn’t a two-bit nickname. Rather, it was _exactly_ what they weighed like underwater.

For a second I struggled in vain to carry my load’s weight… but before I could start to panic, I suddenly found a hand _right there_ in front of my face.

I grabbed it, it grabbed me… and one rush of seawater later Luffy reeled us both back onto the longboat, the momentum nearly capsizing us wholesale as we slammed back onboard.

I gasped and spat as I tried to clear my senses of seawater, twisting my head around frantically once I could in search of whom I’d grabbed. “M-Merry? Merry, where are you!?”

“Urk… agh… h-here, Cross…”

I blinked in confusion as a voice sounded out just below my head. And when I looked down, it became clear why: she was sitting squarely on my chest.

The figure that I knew was Merry was a girl the size of her Klabautermann, no taller than four feet. Her skin was peach-colored, her hair was a soft mane of white with a couple of curly brown tufts circling above her ears, reminiscent of ram horns, and—I sent a silent message of gratitude to Oda for his grace where Devil Fruits and clothing were concerned—she was wearing an orange raincoat, gray leggings, and had a metal choker latched around her neck and matching anklets around her… well, you know.

“Merry… you’re… human?” Usopp breathed in awe.

“But… but _how?”_ Chopper squawked in shock. “ _I_ ate the Human-Human Fruit!”

“The same way that Chaka and Lassoo have the same fruits, and that Sengoku is a Buddha-Human…” Vivi whispered. “Same fruit… different Models. Going by her size… I-I think that Merry just ate the Human-Human Fruit, Model: _Child!”_

As that bit of reasoning finished, I took the chance to sit up, and Merry scrambled off of me as I pinned her with a _look._ “Merry, as good as the results here are, can I just point out that you _ate a Devil Fruit_ while you were _standing on the ocean?”_ I rushed my words forward as tears and she started to appear in her eyes, because I just had to get this point made. I don’t think there’s a better epitome of ‘reckless’ in this world, and that’s _me_ speaking! What the _hell_ were you thinking!? Did you even consider for a second the danger you were in?! That you could have—!?”

“I DIDN’T CARE!”

I choked myself off as Merry suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs. Seeing Merry standing there, shaking on her feet and sobbing as tears streamed down her face, it was…

“Merry…” I breathed.

“I DIDN’T CARE!” she continued. “AND I DON’T CARE NOW! I DON’T CARE THAT I COULD HAVE DIED, I DON’T CARE THAT I CAN’T SWIM ANYMORE, I DON’T CARE THAT…” she choked heavily on her words. “T-THAT I CAN’T CARRY YOU GUYS ANYMORE! I-I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT! B-BECAUSE…!”

She threw her head back and screamed. “BECAUSE ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOU! ALL OF YOU! ALL I CARE ABOUT IS STAYING WITH YOU ALL! I-I DON’T CARE IF I NEVER GET TO SEE THE NEW WORLD, I DON’T CARE IF I NEVER GET TO SEE RAFTEL, BECAUSE EVEN IF I DID…”

Merry flung herself forwards and buried her sobbing in my chest. “IT WOULD MEAN NOTHING!” she wept. “WITHOUT YOU! I-I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA! I-I DON’T WANT TO DIE! A-AND MOST OF ALL, I DON’T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND! S-SO PLEASE, PLEASE!”

She raised her head and stared at us all with absolute desperation. “LET ME STAY WITH YOU! LET ME COME WITH YOU, EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! LET ME SEE ANOTHER SUNRISE AS A PART OF THIS CREW! _LET ME STAY A STRAW HAT!”_

As Merry’s tirade trailed off into sobs, I slowly turned my eyes towards my captain. The look he gave me didn’t surprise me in the least. And that didn’t make it any less joy-inducing when he nodded firmly.

As such, it was with the utmost delight that I threw my arms around Merry and hugged her tight. “AS IF WE WOULD EVER EVEN CONSIDER SAYING NO!” I yelled happily.

That was all the signal everyone needed to roar with joy and do what was perfectly natural: _celebrate._

“MERRY!” Usopp, Luffy, and Chopper cried joyfully, all practically bowling us both over as they grabbed us in the mother of all bearhugs.

“WE DID IT!” Nami squealed as she grabbed the nearest person she could in a hug. Due to said person being Sanji, he had nothing to say on the matter. Vivi was mirroring the action with Carue… though given how she’d grabbed his neck rather than his chest, he was more frantic than happy.

“YOU GUYS ARE SO TOTALLY NUTS!” Franky sobbed dramatically as he tried and failed to hide his sobbing in a pose.

“WOOOOO! WOOOOO!” Lassoo howled triumphantly towards the sky.

“Can you believe it, Su?!” Conis giggled ecstatically as she spun her pet around. “We did it! She’s alive! _She’s alive!”_

“That’s great, Conis, but I’m getting kinda—!”

“SHE’S ALIVE!”

“AAAAGH!” Su screamed and flailed in terror when Conis suddenly flung her upwards with a euphoric laugh.

“To snatch a dearest comrade who we all thought was doomed from the very jaws of death themselves…” Boss shook his head with a wide grin. “Oh, there’s only _one_ definition for this!” He leapt skywards and punched the air. “SAY IT WITH ME, BOYS!”

“IT’S A MAN’S ROMANCE!” all five dugongs chorused as the TDWS followed their mentor.

“And I thought that this day couldn’t become any more wonderful,” Robin whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks as she stood only just off to the side. “I have never been more grateful for the impossibility of these seas. Of this insane, _beautiful_ crew.”

Zoro stood similarly off to the side, and though he didn’t say anything, he was making no attempt to hide his smile.

“They did it, they did it!” Gonbe and Chimney sang as they danced around hand-in-paw.

“You think we’ve finally seen the extent of their madness?” Iceburg asked Kokoro wistfully.

“Personally?” Kokoro cackled as she tapped out the last few drops of her bottle with a smirk. “I think… that they’re just getting started.”

The mayor’s smile widened as he looked back at us. “…good.”

And then, as if that all weren’t good enough… I felt it.

A single, _single_ point of cold, right on the tip of my nose.

I stared upwards… and sucked in a breath when I realized that it was snowing.

It was snowing… it was _snowing…_

“We won…” I sobbed beneath my breath before raising my voice to roar for all to hear. “YOU HEAR THAT? WE WON! IN THE FINAL COUNT OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES AGAINST THE WORLD ITSELF, AGAINST _REALITY_ ITSELF! WE! HAVE! _WOOOOOOON!”_

And so ended the epic saga of Enies Lobby, beneath a snowy sky as we the Straw Hat Pirates cried our hearts out.

As we cried rapturous tears of pure, undiluted _joy._


	2. Chapter 2

### Chapter 46: Chapter 43: Debts To Be Repaid! Cross Comes Clean... Mostly!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: We finally did it. We've reached the top 10. This is the final stretch of our climb to the top, and while surpassing the titans that have established themselves as the top 10 will be the hardest part, we've made it this far. And we're not stopping anytime soon.**

**Hornet AN: Apropos of nothing, I'm quite pleased I got to properly use the sentences "But first, we need a reaction to her telling physics to bite the pillow." and "So, first off, we need to un-orphan that punchline." while we were writing this.**

**Cross-Brain AN: Aside from that, our sincerest apologies, loyal fans, but we'll be having to split our planned novel-length chapter in half.**

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**.**

**.**

**Because we were already hitting 50,000 words at the halfway mark. That, and the cruel beyond all cruelty cliffhanger waiting at the end of this chapter was just too good to pass up.**

**Xomniac AN: You know what they say: The bigger they come…**

It was two days after the incident, and my mind was still reeling from everything that had happened in that time. First, of course, was the memory of the literally divine-sent _miracle,_ which was still enough to make me start laughing from unadulterated joy whenever I thought about it.

…right up until things got scary on account of Merry straight up _collapsing_ in my arms, barely even conscious.

Yeah, see, while becoming a human-ship meant that Merry could now heal from her life-threatening injuries, the fact remained that she actually _had_ life-threatening injuries. The way said injuries translated from carpentry to biology? In the form of her all but being torn in half at the waist beneath her raincoat, along with over a dozen other gaping wounds plaguing her tiny frame.

It had been the very definition of touch and go, with all of us scrambling to get Merry onboard Iceburg's ship and into the vessel's medical bay without aggravating her injuries too badly, followed up by Chopper bodily flinging all of us sans Franky from the room.

The time after that was… _beyond_ tense, with all of us waiting outside the room with bated breath for some sign, _any_ sign of Merry's current condition.

And once that time was up, when Chopper and Franky emerged, weary and bloodstained, we had our answer: Merry was, without a doubt, going to _live._ She'd have a gaping gash of a scar across her back for the rest of her days and she couldn't take off the metal anklets and choker she was sporting without _something_ falling apart, but she would live. And thanks to Franky's expertise and a number of 'just in case' blueprints of his, even in _spite_ of one of her vertebrae being messily fractured, after a few days of rest, physical therapy and crutches, she'd even be able to walk.

Still… happy as the news was, it wasn't _all_ rainbows and sunshine.

**-o-**

"So… Merry can _never_ become a ship again?" Usopp asked quietly, his air of quiet horror shared between us all.

"I'm sorry, Usopp," Chopper said, shaking his head sadly as he wiped the blood off of his hands. "But yes. Not without dying."

"It all goes back to that damn crack again," Franky explained with a heavy sigh. "See, while we might have been able to patch her up so that she's fine while she's human, I can tell you as a shipwright that the reinforcement we've put in just won't hold up for even a _second_ if she tries to return to her ship form. If she ever tried to go back…" He snapped his fingers with a grim look. "She'd be ripped in half by her own weight. Sorry, guys, but it doesn't matter how long we wait or what we do. Our initial summary was right: the Going Merry's days as your ship are _done_."

"Oh, Ra…" Vivi whispered hoarsely.

Solemn silence seasoned with horror fell over us all. It lasted for half a minute…

"That's fine."

Before our captain's serious-mode voice broke it.

"Luffy—!" Nami started indignantly.

"What?" the rubber man blinked at her in honest confusion. "You guys all heard her, right? Merry said that her dream is to sail the seas with us, and our goal coming to Water 7 was to make it so that that could happen. Who cares if she can't become a ship anymore? She's still alive and with us, and she can still live her dream." He tilted his head to the side. "Isn't that good enough?"

Yet another silence fell on the room, only this time it was more dumbstruck than anything.

"From dumbass to savant in the blink of an eye," Su deadpanned before glancing at Chopper. "Hey, you managed to make yourself freakishly smart, any chance you can replicate the miracle in this rubber-brain?"

"Hmm… it _is_ a possibility, and an intriguing one, at that. I'll start researching righ—" Chopper's musings were cut off as he fell face-first onto the floor, his Muscle Point-sized snores shaking the air around us.

We took a moment to glance uncomfortably at one another before Conis slowly raised a finger. "Er… how long were you guys in there?"

"Eh…" Franky clenched an eye shut as he cocked his head to the side. "According to the clock I stuffed between my ears? Two hours. And on that note!" The cyborg promptly keeled over onto his back, adding his own snores to Chopper's chorus.

The rest of us barely had enough time to realize what was coming before the sandman thwacked us upside our collective heads and darkness took us.

**-o-**

The next thing most of us knew, it was around thirty hours later and the less injured of us were waking up back on Water 7 with absolutely _killer_ headaches. And aches just about everywhere _else_ too, for that matter, because _damn_ if we hadn't pushed our bodies to the absolute maximum over the course of our, quote-unquote, 'little' adventure. And we were the ones actually _capable_ of waking up; Luffy, Merry, Carue, Vivi, Soundbite, and Chopper were all still slumbering, the first three due to their excessive injuries and the latter three on account of just how utterly they'd drained their bodies of energy during the fight.

Of course, we weren't ones to let that impact us. And if the fact that Iceburg, Zambai, the square sisters, and the three Galley-La foremen entered not two minutes after we woke up was any indication, that was either common knowledge or expected at this point.

It was a load off my chest and everyone else's when Zambai confirmed that none of the Franky Family had died, though there was no shortage of major injuries among them, with even Oimo and Kashi walking away from the ordeal with a few new scars, though _they_ were particularly proud of them. Point of fact, pretty much everyone was proud of their new trophies, a fact which I took no small amount of pleasure in lording over a thoroughly disgruntled Nami.

Meanwhile, what Iceburg had to tell us was… somewhat less pleasant. CP9 had caused enough damage on their own, we'd known that as we'd left, but the worst Aqua Laguna in living memory had only served to _literally_ throw inhuman amounts of salt in the wounds. But, and he smirked as he said it, Galley-La would have more than enough time on their hands to fix the damage thanks to their dissolved contracts with the World Government meaning that they no longer had a queue of battleships a mile long to complete.

Now _that_ caught us all up short, and Iceburg wasted no time in explaining his reasoning, which the entire island agreed with. _More_ than agreed with, actually, considering how they seemed ready to form an angry mob when the truth of the 'Mass Resignation from Hell' reached them.

But still, as brash and bold as the move appeared on its surface, the truth of Iceburg's actions extended far past the realms of the obvious and delved to depths of true diabolical genius that had _Franky_ ready to start treating him with respect. And all to get back at the Government.

See, as Mayor of Water 7, while he only had _direct_ control over Galley-La, Iceburg's word was tantamount to law where the rest of the companies on Water 7 were concerned. As such, when Tom's old apprentice sent out the word that Water 7 would no longer be servicing 'all those affiliated with the World Government', he didn't just mean that Galley-La would stop working for the Marines. He meant that the _entire island_ would stop working for anyone affiliated with the World Government.

The significance lay in that while Galley-La was the best company on Water 7, Water 7 held the best shipwrights in all of Paradise. Period. The end result of the embargo was that a large number of nations—Pucci, San Faldo, and St. Poplar among the most immediate—were being stabbed with Morton's Fork but hard: either abandon the World Government's good graces and face all the consequences that that implied head-on, or abandon Iceburg and attempt to face the seas with ships of _notably_ lesser quality than what came out of Water 7.

And considering the Grand Line's general temperament on a _good_ day? Suffice to say that for many, the 'choice' wasn't actually much of a choice at all, and the fact that the World Government had a large number of more hostile secessions to deal with meant that they were getting ample opportunity to batten the hatches for the inevitable retaliation for staying with Iceburg.

Once Iceburg finished explaining the current state of affairs on the island, we moved onto discussing more important matters, I.E. the current states of our injured crewmates. On the surface, everyone who was still out of it _looked_ okay, but in reality… well, simply put, the physician who was looking over us in Chopper's place had _quite_ a bit to say.

**-o-**

"—shriveled organs, three-quarters of his blood lost, the rest stretched as thin as nori, less hydration than a cactus, more minute tears in his skin than I can count, and fatigue that should have rendered him unconscious two days ago!"

"…Um, doc? He only got those injuries yesterday—" Zambai began.

"EXACTLY!" the sawbones roared as he jabbed his finger at the dismantler. "He's taken 48 hours' worth of Olympic-grade fatigue in a mere _sixth_ of that time. Which leads me to the following diagnosis: _EVEN IF HE IS MADE OF RUBBER, IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE THAT HE IS STILL_ BREATHING!"

"…You guys have Olympics?" I asked nobody in particular.

I found no small amount of amusement in the way the poor bastard flung his hands up in the air with a wordless cry of frustration.

"Every decade or so, Mariejois hosts them, and similar smaller events occur in the Blues. I probably would have wound up taking my boys and heading to one of them if I hadn't joined up with you guys," Boss answered, before blinking in confusion. "Ah… apropos of nothing, Cross, I just realized that I'm confused about something, too."

"Huh? What, you already knew that my knowledge isn't that comprehensive."

"No, that's not it," he waved me off. "Soundbite's unconscious, that much is obvious and expected…" Boss eyed Soundbite's audibly snoring shell before gesturing at his throat. "So… how am I still talking?"

I opened my mouth and raised a finger, then reversed the action and scratched the back of my head. "Um… Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?"

Boss stared at me silently before nodding in acceptance. "Your logic is sound."

Before I could say anything else, my attention was caught by a sound not unlike whistling steam starting to fill the room. The origin, as it turned out, appeared to be the good doctor, whose face was slowly turning a rather interesting shade of purple, and I swear his head expanded a little bit.

"He looks like a grape about to pop," Robin wryly observed.

I flashed a grin her way. "Have I mentioned how happy I am to have you back, Robin?"

My pseudo-older-sibling chuckled as she tipped her hat in my direction.

The doctor slowly turned a wild-eyed look on Iceburg, who'd been watching the exchange with no small amount of amusement. "Mister Mayor," he seethed viciously. "I'd like to offer you my official prognosis on the Straw Hat Pirates as a whole."

Iceburg hid a snicker behind his hand. "Aheh, a-ah, yes, and that would be, doctor?"

" _They're utterly insane."_

Nami gave the poor physician a decidedly unimpressed look. "You haven't been in the Grand Line long, have you?"

"I just wanted to write a freaking _thesis,_ damn it!" the doctor sobbed miserably. "But no, instead I wind up in _this_ loony bin of a geographic location! Why the hell did I take career advice from a little girl who was offering it for a few Beris!?"

"I assume because she's _really_ good at what she does?" Mikey offered with an unrepentant grin.

"Ah, Doctor Maple," Iceburg hastily spoke up as the poor sap of a physician started to turn a demented gaze on the Dugong. "I believe you were informing these fine folks of the current states of their comrades?"

The Doctor continued to twitch for a bit before heavily huffing out as much of his frustration as he could manage and refocusing on the clipboard he was carrying. "Alright… alright… let's see… might as well start with the most _normal_ case here, the princess."

" _Grrraagh…"_

The doctor cut himself off as a pained gurgle came from the direction of another bed.

"Or… the duck, I suppose. The duck could work, too," he hesitantly conceded.

Said duck was leaning up in his bed, blearily rubbing his head with his bandaged wing. "Ish… Ish she alwight?" he squawked painfully.

"Ah…" I helped the doctor out by jerking my head at Vivi. "Ah! Y-Yes, she's fine! She has some broken bones, a few fractured ribs and scratches a little bit everywhere, and she's suffering from an _acute_ case of exhaustion—nowhere near the levels of that monster you call a captain, mind you—but apart from that she's mostly fine.

"The worst injury she received…" He gestured at Vivi's bandaged midsection. "Would be that, quite frankly, _impressive_ case of road rash that she's sporting on her midsection. _That_ will be leaving quite the scar. Though, heh…" The doctor chuckled mirthlessly as he fiddled with his clipboard. "From what I know of people in your profession, I'm certain she won't mi—!"

"Doctor?"

Sanji's tone was perfectly calm and even, but the doctor nonetheless fell silent. Most likely because of the ambient temperature in the room suddenly ratcheting up a few degrees in spite of Sanji's only motion being to light his cigarette.

"You may not be aware of this, but the sea restaurant Baratie didn't have much in the way of medical treatment. As such, we more often used what we had onboard to make ends meet. Suffice to say that more often than not, the results were…" Sanji sighed out a roiling cloud of smoke. " _Not_ that positive. In light of this information, I recommend that unless you'd like me to demonstrate some of those treatments firsthand, you refrain from finishing that sentence. Is that clear?"

The doctor's fearful whimper was answer enough.

Meanwhile, ignoring the exchange, Carue slowly began struggling to get to his talons. "Aye… Aye haf ta get up… haf tah get back tah—"

_THWOCK!_

"—haaaaaah…"

Carue's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he flopped forwards onto his beak and began snoring, showing off a syringe that had buried itself in his rump.

I glanced at Chopper, all ready to compliment him on the shot (heh), and then I _felt_ my face turn blue.

"Is he… even… awake?" I croaked fearfully as I watched Chopper continue to slumber peacefully.

"No, Cross. He is not," Robin replied, appearing rather nervous herself. Along with everyone else in the room that was conscious, for that matter, and I'm fairly certain that more than a few of the KO ones started to sweat.

"Ergh…" Doctor Maple groaned as he eyed our Zoan crewmate. "That's for the best, if I'll be honest. He's one of the worst cases. Granted, his biology makes an accurate diagnosis a bit difficult, but what I've got so far is… quite frankly disturbing. Multiple puncture wounds all over his body, extreme amounts of stress to his skeleton and musculature, he's been beaten within an inch of his life, suffered second degree burns to his chest…" He topped it all off with a sidelong glare at Luffy. "And he's anywhere from half to three-quarters as exhausted as your captain. I'll be honest: I might not have been in the Grand Line long, but in my time here I _have_ treated a few Zoan-types, and I've seen them live through some rather _insane_ damage. But seeing this… I still have no idea how on earth he's still alive."

"What can we say?" Usopp chuckled with a weak smile. "He's one hell of a monster."

"Hey!" I protested in indignation. "He's a _demon._ Get your terminology straight, why dontcha?"

The doctor rolled his eyes as we all shared a laugh at that. "Anyway… I'm just going to go ahead and move past your pet snail, because I'm not a veterinari—AGH!"

"First off, his name is Soundbite, and he is my _partner,_ " I droned tonelessly as I clenched my fingers around the man's shoulder. "And second, I suggest that for the sake of your arm, you learn." I redoubled my grip. " _Fast."_

Going by the way the doctor suddenly stiffened in my grasp, he _definitely_ felt it as everyone conscious in the room joined me in pinning him, some simply with stares in place of glares, but the message was clear. The poor sap swallowed and nodded, and as I relaxed my hand, he carefully picked up Soundbite and looked him over.

"Mmmrgh… a-alright… h-his shell looks fine besides a few cracks here and there, though they look old…" He shut his eye as he stared into Soundbite's shell. "He's normally gray, right?" I nodded in agreement. "Then I… think he's a healthy color? Apart from that, ah… going by his power set, maybe a sore throat and most likely some exhaustion of his own." He gave me a terrified look. "T-There, is that good enough for you?"

I smiled beatifically as I released his shoulder in favor of plucking Soundbite from his grasp. " _Perfect."_

The doctor straightened his coat out as he nervously side-eyed me. "A-Anyway, t-the rest of you are all fine, relatively speaking. Scratches, a few fractures here and there, nothing truly major to worry about. In the end, I suppose the last person who needs to be mentioned is, well…" He cast a softer look at the person in the room who was simultaneously our newest crewmate and one of our oldest comrades. "Her."

We all looked nervously at Merry as the doctor reshuffled through his notes.

"Well, I never thought that I'd say this, but your doctor _and_ Franky did good work; your friend… Merry, was it?" He noted her name down when Nami nodded. "Merry is in no immediate danger, and once she wakes up, she should be stable to move about on her own after a few days of crutches and physical therapy. I also gave her a basic physical, and aside from structural damage around her neck and feet that those metal braces are keeping surprisingly stable, she seems healthy. But!"

He promptly snapped his finger up. "You _need_ to make sure that she takes it easy for the next few days; the damage to her spine is healing fast, but not even Zoan-levels of fast are enough that it will be done when she awakens. Which, given your crew's inordinate level of strength, I'd estimate will be in another twenty-four hours at the latest. From there, if what I've been told is accurate, I think that you'll need Galley-La's help as much as mine; she may seem to be fully human now, but there are bound to still be some carryovers from her original form, even in her alternate form."

"So… all in all, everyone's healthy enough?" Nami concluded.

"The ones who are unconscious should stay that way for their own good, but as long as you don't get into any more serious fights in the next few days?" He gave us all a flat look. "Which, given your reputations I _sincerely_ doubt you can accomplish? Yes, you're all clear. Even if, by all standards of modern medicine, most of you should be _dead_ ten to twenty times over."

I sighed in relief as I breezed past the last bit of what the doctor had said; I had never doubted that we'd win against Enies Lobby, but I won't deny that after what I'd gone through on Skypiea, I'd been worrying about someone suffering some form of lasting damage.

Granted, we hadn't come out of there entirely unchanged: Nami was still pretty mellowed out, Vivi'd taken a hell of a blow, Merry wasn't totally alright, and I was planning on making the bandages across my face a permanent fixture on account of how they looked leagues better than the gaping crevasse Hattori had left in my face and nose, but all things considered, I couldn't really complain about the way things had turned out.

"In that case."

Iceburg's voice cut through my relief like a knife, drawing everyone's attention. His impassible expression did little to alleviate the tension. "I believe that you owe me an explanation now, Jeremiah Cross."

"Oh, yeah…" Paulie slowly narrowed his eyes as he and the rest of the Family and Galley-La's execs rounded on me. "Almost forgot about that little promise."

I took a moment to glance around, confirming that Robin and Franky were both looking at me as well, before nodding with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, alright. Chances are I'll be telling this tale again sooner or later, so I suppose a rehearsal wouldn't be the _worst_ thing. But still!" I promptly snapped a finger up. "This is sensitive information; the fewer people who hear what I'm about to say, the better. If you wouldn't mind…?"

"Already going," Doctor Maple said, leaving the room with no small amount of haste (or panic, either or).

"I trust these three with my life, Cross," Iceburg stated as he crossed his arms.

"The same from me," Franky snorted as he brought his forearms together and flexed.

I eyed the execs that were hanging around with determined looks before sighing and shaking my head. Well, if they _insisted_ on being stubborn… "Your funeral. Guess I can't really blame you if you're determined to lose whatever measure of sanity you have le—"

"Later, big bro!" the square sisters chorused, shooting out of the house like they were cats and it was full of rocking chairs.

"Wait up!" Lulu called as he chased after them.

"DITTO!" Tilestone howled as he followed his comrade.

I watched them leave before regarding the remaining two with a raised eyebrow. "And you?"

To their credit, Zambai and Paulie only took a second to exchange a look before nodding firmly. "We're staying," they said in unison.

I considered matters for a moment before mentally shrugging. Just the seconds-in-commands would be more manageable than them all. As such, with preparations complete, I positioned myself in such a spot that I could observe everybody pertinent to the discussion.

"Given how… _most_ everybody I'm talking to is pretty damn smart—"

"HEY!"

"I'll do you the courtesy of settling for the quick version: simply put, everything that I know that I shouldn't, I know because I read about it in a story."

As everyone's jaws slowly dropped in shock, I started ticking off my fingers. "Past, present, future; everything pertinent to the rise of Roger's successor to his throne and even a few key factoids and details that are only tangentially relevant, I have in my head. It wasn't finished when I read it, so I only know a little more than half of where it goes and more than a few of the answers to the big mysteries remain question marks, but…" I spread my arms, indicating the room in general. "I think it's pretty damn self-evident that what I've got has been more than enough to cause some serious change and uproar."

Most everyone who was hearing this for the first time was too stunned to reply properly, desperately trying to process what I'd just said. Eventually, however, one person managed to force the expected words out.

"Where in the world could you have possibly read a story like _that_ , Cross?" Robin asked incredulously.

I slowly donned a smirk as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Funny you should word it like that, Robin."

As expected of the final graduate of an institution called the Tree of Knowledge, that was all that she needed to understand. And her reaction wasn't disappointing either, what with her entire body stiffening and her pupils shrinking as she sucked in a sudden breath. "You're… You're from another world?" she stammered numbly.

"Eh!?" every listener save Iceburg yelped, every eye turning to Robin.

"One far different from this one, aye," I nodded in confirmation. "Though I'm still entirely human, I assure you."

"EH!?" the trio roared even louder as they looked back at me.

"As for the circumstances for my arriving in _this_ world, well…" I forged on, ignoring the now unanimously dumbstruck expressions of my audience. "The story I read, entitled _One Piece_ , was one of the more popular contemporary tales in my world. And me? I just was one of _many_ fans who read it, a totally ordinary person."

A weary sigh worked its way from my chest as I reached up to pinch the bridge of its nose. "That all changed when a… I don't know, a force, a god, whatever it is, identifying itself as a 'Bastard Random Omnipotent Being', decided to up and fling me into this world with nothing but the clothes on my back, all for the shits and giggles it would get from watching my adventures. After that happened, I landed on a deserted island in the East Blue, met _that_ little parasite over there—" I nodded my head at Soundbite's shell. "And, well, the rest, as they say, is history."

Dead silence descended from there. Paulie and Zambai were looking a little dizzy, and Iceburg was openly gaping at me, any semblance of composure lost. Oddly enough, though, our two crewmates, current and future alike, only looked somewhat shocked, their expressions slowly returning to neutrality, though our archaeologist still had a sheen of sweat present on her brow. Eventually, Robin broke the silence.

"So, if I'm understanding you correctly," she began. "We're all technically characters in a story you read?"

I smiled nervously, rubbing the back of my head . "Uh… isn't every person already the hero of their own—?"

"Plagiarist~!" Su sang from the sidelines.

" _Cross."_

I flinched at the practically whip-like intensity of the word before shrinking in on myself. "I, ah, have long since acknowledged everyone as being living breathing people and not merely fictional entities?" I tried hesitantly. "…and you were always one of my favorite characters? T-Though that was only the m-mere _basis_ of my endeavors to, ah…" I lapsed into silence before hanging my head in defeat. "Screw it, I don't know how the _hell_ you word something like this and I trust you're smart enough to know that I haven't been bullshitting you. So… are we good?"

Robin stared impassively at me for what felt like an eternity before sighing and bringing a hand up to massage her forehead. "I'm not mad, Cross. After all, I suspect that I better than anyone have a decent idea of what your dilemma was like."

I started to sigh in relief—

"However."

"GAH! _OWOWOWOW!"_ I yelped in agony as I suddenly found my ear getting yanked to the side.

I was vaguely aware of Nami whistling as she watched me struggle and flail. "Geeze, you _really_ make being a hammer look inviting, Robin."

"QUIET IN THE PEANUT GALLER— _YEOW!"_

"I _am_ fairly irritated that you didn't even consider telling me all of this once I'd joined!" Robin scolded me in a vexed tone.

"OwowowOW! LET GO, DAMN IT!" I finally managed to swat the hand off my ear and shoulder, and took the opportunity it gave me to cast a glare at Robin. "And when the hell would I have had the chance to do _that, hm!?"_ I demanded incredulously. "Before we both almost got flash-frozen, during which time there was still a goodly chance of you _snapping my neck_ before making a break for it, or after, when you were looking left, right, and center for a chance to make a run for it!?"

_That_ got an embarrassed blush from Robin, prompting a cough into her fist, her eyes pointedly away from mine. "I, ah… that is to say… call it even."

"'Even' my—!"

_THWACK!_

"Ouch!" I yelped, clutching my throbbing skull.

"Watch what you say to a lady, shit-mouth," Sanji fumed indignantly.

"I'll say whatever the hell I want to my own sister, crap-cook!" I shot back, crossing my arms with a huff. "And trust me, I've had more than enough experience with my own biological sibling. This is perfectly normal for brothers and sisters, so unless you have any reason to say otherwise—"

"Yo, can I get a word in edgewise, here?"

I turned towards Franky as he spoke up, noting the frown on his face and his crossed arms even as Sanji began coughing. Must have inhaled his cigarette wrong again.

"Look," Franky said with a wave of his hand. "I realize that the Grand Line is nutso and everything, and I've seen some pretty nutty stuff myself, but c'mon Cross. An explanation like _that?_ Even I have to draw the line and call you a little nuts, no matter how crazy good your intel's been up until now."

Things were quiet for a bit until Iceburg sighed wearily. "As much as it pains me to agree with Flim-Flam here—"

"I think I might even prefer Flunky," the cyborg muttered.

"—your story is a bit… out there. Do you have any kind of proof, anything at all, that could prove your words beyond any doubt?"

I blinked in honest surprise before frowning. Honestly, it wasn't _that_ much of an unreasonable request, just a difficult one. My eyes started to wander around the room as I contemplated what I could use as a solution. What was something I could do that nobody knew about ye—?

I had to resist the urge to cackle as my gaze alighted upon the answer to my problems. And so, moving fast, I strode over to a corner of the room and opened the fridge, palming the first trio of bottles I could find.

"Well, if you _insist…"_ I only just managed to hide the sheer levels of amused sadism I was feeling as I stood up and shuffled towards the cyborg. "But first, since I imagine you're either out of Cola or, going by your hairdo, running low, mind opening your gut-fridge?"

"Eh?" Franky blinked in confusion even as he complied, clicking his gut-piece open. "Sure thing, thanks for—!"

_CLUNK!_

"HEY!" he yelped as I wrenched the empty bottles out and shoved in a new trio that were obviously _not_ Cola. "WHAT THE HELL DO Y—EOW!"

All anyone in the room could do was stare in shock as Franky's hair draped down around his face and he busted out into a dance routine that ended with his finger pointed high in the air. "EVERYONE GET DOWN AND GET FUNKY, BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THRILLA! _GAH!"_ The mob-boss then ripped the bottles from his gut and tossed them away. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST MAKE ME DO!?"

"Ooooh, nothing much," I smirked as I made a show of examining my (nonexistent and bandage-covered) nails. "I just decided to show off what happens whenever you go, shall we say, 'non-kosher'?" I then directed my impish grin to the rest of the room. "And for the record, that was _just_ pumpkin juice. Vegetable juice gets him acting like a hippie, and tea turns him into a pansy-ass _farmer!_ Anybody else up for finding out what _other_ drinks will do?"

Franky paled as literally everyone gained mischievous glints in their eyes. "H-Hey, what the hell do you think you're all looking at!? I'm not some kind of a sideshow— _AGH!"_ His protests were cut off when Zoro, Sanji _and_ Boss all dogpiled him at once, while the rest of my crewmates started ransacking the room for beverages.

"Hey, I found some—! _Eurgh,_ spinach juice?!" Mikey recoiled in disgust before flinging the bottle over to our crewmates. "Worth a shot!"

"Don't even— _YOHO_ HOOOO!" Franky suddenly shot to his feet and actually _flung_ our three strongest off of him as he started flexing, his hair morphing into a sailor's cap in appearance. "CHECK IT! I'M STRONG TO THE VERY FINISH BECAUSE I ALWAYS EAT MY SPINACH! AND WHEN I SAY STRONG, I MEAN _STRONGAH THAN STRONG! LIKE HELL!"_ Franky capped it off by knocking the bottles out with a roar. " _THAT SHIT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING! AND AS FOR THE REST OF—_ HEY!" His being restrained again cut off his rant.

"Oooh, looky here!" Su perched herself on a trio of bottles. "Ale and a mind, both terrible things to waste! At least these are going to a good cause!" And with that she rolled them all towards the fray.

"FORSOOTH, SQUIRES! I am Ser Iron Ass the Blacksmith! I haileth from the land of FANTASIA! OH, COME ON!"

"I was saving this for lunch…" Paulie mused as he drew a bottle of grape juice from his jacket and weighed it in his hand. "But this is _so_ worth it! Consider this payback for _all_ the years of shit you've put me through, iron-ass!"

The bottle was tossed into the fray and dutifully slotted in. "If you're wonderin' why I'm wearin' a toga, it's cause I feel like emulatin' the city of wine! _AVE ROMA_! THAT ONE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

Conis bit her lip as she rolled a bottle in her hands. "This might be a bit mean…" She then smiled apologetically as she held the bottle out for someone to grab. "But I'm sorry, this is too funny!"

"Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho~, I'M ABOUT TO POP A—!"

"OKAY, _THAT'S_ TMI!" I yelped as I yanked the milk out.

"Alright, enough!" Zambai suddenly roared, shoving everyone off of his big bro and helping him to his feet. "That was funny and all, but Big Bro Franky isn't a lab rat, you jerks! Here ya go, big bro." Zambai handed him a trio of appropriately shaped bottles. "Good as new!"

Franky didn't waste a moment before he popped the bottles in and heaved a grateful sigh as his pompadour sprung back to life. "Ah, that's better! Thanks, Zambai, I'm back to normal!" Franky started flexing demonstratively. "Man, I feel super! _Super_ super, even! And ya know what? I wanna get even more super! I wanna move, I wanna exercise! I WANNA GET FITTAH! _WHAT THE HELL!"_ Franky ripped the bottles out as he roared at his subordinate. "DIET COLA!? YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!"

"HAHAHAHA!" Zambai was practically rolling on the floor, he was laughing so loud. "SORRY, BIG BRO, I COULDN'T RESIST!"

"YOOOU…" Franky fumed murderously.

"Hey, Franky, before you kick his ass," Sanji cut in, tapping his shoulder. "Just checking, but you and Iceburg believe Cross now, right?"

"Eh?" Franky blinked over his shoulder before nodding "Ah… yeah, I believe him now. Not like I have much choice, right? I only ever experimented with alternate fuels once, and nobody was around to see it. Only way he could have learned it—!"

"Was from watching Chopper toss you tea and veggie juice while you were in Enies Lobby's kitchen," I answered with a smirk.

"…Yeah, that."

"I'm satisfied as well," Iceburg nodded in confirmation.

I started to pump my fist victoriously…

" _Good."_

And then I froze up without warning when the voice of pure evil hit my ears, and I suddenly felt my sins start to crawl upon my back.

Slowly, dreading what I would find, I turned around to face the evil that I just _knew_ was lurking behind me, and promptly regretted the action as I found myself staring at a panel of dark judgment: a tengu, an oni and a demon, all staring at me with pure murder in their eyes.

" _Time to pay, Cross,"_ they intoned in synch.

I quaked miserably in my bandages, too afraid to even berate the scant few of my 'comrades' who had the gall to laugh at my fate.

Thankfully, for all that karma was a bitch, at least it could be said that she was a _unilateral_ bitch.

" _What the hell are_ you _laughing about, Leo?"_ the oni snarled darkly.

The dugong in question froze mid-laugh, cold sweat cascading down his entire body.

" _I haven't forgotten the debt you owe me as well."_

The two-sword-style apprentice and I sloooowly exchanged fearful looks.

Soundbite chose that moment to poke his eyestalks out of his shell, his eyes visibly bleary from exhaustion. " _Fly, you fools,"_ he croaked, though admittedly, the way he said 'fools' sounded more like 'morons'.

Nevertheless, we took his advice and, to put it lightly…

"AAAAAAAGH!"

De-assed the area with the quickness.

Suffice to say, the chase did _not_ end there.

**-o-**

Rather, it led us out into the city proper. Have I ever mentioned that I was _really_ grateful for being good at making connections?

"Long live the Union, long live the Union, long live the Union," Leo repeated fervently as the Yagara we were riding _flew_ through the canals.

Because seriously, I was really, really, _really_ grateful for those God-given connections.

I wheezed and panted wearily as I leaned against the edge of the bull's saddle, casting a tired eye back down the canal we'd just rocketed down. "Any, _huff,_ sign of them, _hoo?"_

"Ah…" Leo, his wits back with him, raised his head to peer over the back of the saddle's lip.

_CRACK!_

Before shrieking in terror when said lip suddenly blasted apart into a hail of splinters and sawdust. "YES! SIGNS! MANY MANY SIGNS!"

"Sonnuva—!?" I cursed as I swung my gaze around. "The monsters I'd expect to be capable of keeping up with us, but _Usopp!?_ Where the hell could he… be…?" My words died in my throat as a glint shined in the corner of my eye, and I _slooowly_ turned my head to gape up at the summit of Water 7 in horror. "Ooooh you have _got_ to be kidding me. How the hell is _this_ a proportional response!?"

" **If it were just for the mermaid, it wouldn't be except for the love cook."**

Leo and I froze in horror, slowly turning our gazes to the rooftops lying before us. Two monsters glared right back at us, waves of killer intent roiling around them like a physical force.

" **But for me, and Usopp?"** the oni growled darkly. " **This is just the breaking point for putting up with all of your smartassery for the past. Five. Months. You should count yourself lucky that Nami got brainwashed, or that thunder god she predicted yesterday would be on your ass as well."**

I swallowed heavily as I realized just how _deep_ a hole of shit I was in. "Oooookay…" I hedged desperately as I tried to think of _some_ way to keep my head on my shoulders. "Two things in my defense. A: None of you ever asked why I kept calling her 'hagfish', so really, _you_ should have known that something was up."

" **For the sake of your health,** _ **your other reason had better damn well be better**_ **,"** the demon snarled, smoke and fire coming from his mouth.

"Right, then… more seriously?" I grasped at the last straw I could conceive of. "If I hadn't told you, you could have _died_."

_That_ caught the two of them off-guard, and they exchanged glances before resuming glaring at me. " **And how do you figure that?"** the demon asked skeptically.

I hastily scrounged up what few specific details about that scene I could recall. "T-The shock of seeing her like that made you all black out, right? You all stopped trying to breathe, so you didn't swallow enough seawater to drown while she was carrying you. There was a _legitimate risk_ of you drowning if I told you what was coming because you wouldn't immediately black out, a-and I wasn't willing to risk that."

" **And you expect us to believe that it wasn't just for another cheap laugh?"**

' _I'm surprised you've believed me this far!'_ I thought desperately, but I managed to keep my face from giving away little more than a flat look. "In theory? I'll admit I thought it could be a little funny. But in practice?" I shuddered as the memory flashed unbidden in my mind. "Nooo, it was _just_ as disturbing for me as it was for you, and I saw it coming!"

The oni was silent for a moment before glancing at the demon. "… **You know, he has a point there."**

" **MY RAGE IGNORES THIS."**

The blood drained from my face "…Sooo you're still going to kick my ass, then?"

" _ **Yes."**_ Neither of them even hesitated in their response. And so it was that they started to stalk towards us, every step they took increasing the murderous pressure looming over us.

Leo shivered miserably in his shell. "We're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna—!"

"Like hell we are!" I barked in a tone that sounded a lot more confident than I felt. "I've got a plan! Get in front of me, Leo!"

It was a true testament to the Dugong's trust in me that he didn't even hesitate to step up, blades crossed in front of himself. "W-Whatever this plan is, you're sure it's gonna work?"

"Ooooh yeah, it'll work, alright!" I nodded firmly, stepping back as much as I could in the saddle's confines. "No matter what happens, I'll _definitely_ have one less monster to worry about!"

Leo heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, for a second the— _wait, what did you just—!?"_

Before he could finish, my boot slammed into his ass and punted him clean off of our bull's back. "EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

"WAAAA— _OOF!"_ Leo's scream of shocked terror suddenly died as he found himself halted in midair. He panted as he hung there for a moment before hanging his head in relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, I was so afraid that I was going to have to fight Zoro…"

" **Ahem."**

Leo opened his eyes and blinked in confusion, before screaming in horror as he realized that he'd instinctually locked swords with the oni. "CROSS, YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARD!" he howled through his tears as he and his opponent's blades blurred.

"PIRATE!" I shouted back at him as the Yagara sped off at full speed. Still, in spite of the seriousness of the situation, I was utterly exhilarated. I was going to make it! I was actually going to—!

My ride suddenly screeched to a halt, and I couldn't rightly _blame_ him for it because of the fact that the demon was currently hovering in the air before us.

"Figured out Moonwalk, huh?" I squeaked miserably.

" **Mm-hmm,"** the demon snorted before turning his gaze on the Yagara. " **Move and you're elevenses."**

The bull's response was to shoot its head underwater and quake in place.

" **Smart choice."**

I inched away from the demon on pure reflex, and went ramrod straight when a thunk sounded out behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and found myself struggling with a raging combo of terror and awe. "Retractable parachute-pack, huh?" I whimpered. "Any chance I could get one of those for myself, maybe incorporate the grappling belt into it? The thing's been working out _really_ well for me so far."

" **We can talk once you get out of traction,"** the Tengu hissed as he took aim at my head.

I swallowed heavily before waving vaguely at my face. "N-Not above the collar, alright? My throat's my livelihood, and my face, well…" I fingered the fresh set of bandages that cut across my face. I was proud of my scars, but there was a limit, and having my nasal cavity open to the world _very_ much crossed it. "CP9 already beat you to it."

" **There's only one problem with that idea, Cross."**

I glanced over my shoulder—

_CRACK!_

"GRGHHH…" before whimpering painfully as I clutched my re-broken nose.

" **We have exactly zero fucks left to give."**

I had all of a second to process the image of a foot rearing back in preparation and the stretching of an elastic slingshot—

" **What. Are you doing. Out of bed?"**

Before all three of us froze, the demonic images fading and leaving only a nervous-looking Usopp and Sanji as we turned to see a yeti standing on the side of the canal, six syringes between his fingers like claws, and one each sticking out of the nearby Zoro and Leo, who were both paralyzed, fear on their faces. Said yeti was currently staring darkly at us.

" **Straining your injuries, and creating more of them for yourselves and others?** _ **That won't do, will it? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO THE SAME SO I CAN STOP YOU."**_

"…Maybe we should have thought this through a bit more," Usopp whimpered in terror.

"Agreed," Sanji and I squeaked.

**-o-**

Suffice to say that when we woke up early the next morning, the sight of Chopper sleeping nearby, ostensibly peacefully, was enough to cow us into talking things out. After some consideration, realizing that opportunities in the coming sagas would be few and far between, I gave them a promise not to abuse my future knowledge solely for my own amusement again, unless I was certain that it was utterly harmless or unless they were in on it, until we set out from Paradise towards the New World. After considering the phrasing, they accepted that.

Their mistake. After all, that left a boatload of loopholes for me to abuse, not the least of which was that I only promised not to abuse my _future_ knowledge. So, when the future became the present…

Anyway, over the next few hours, everyone else save for Luffy came around without too much incident, one after the other. Vivi complained of some aches and pains as she picked at the unwound roll of gauze tied around her midsection, Carue grumbled and growled as he side-eyed Chopper. Chopper… well, he _got up_ cackling his furry little ass off, but some blunt-force therapy swiftly rectified that and he got to work checking everyone over. As for Soundbite, I _think_ he tried to blare out some kind of an orchestra upon his full revival, but all he did was perform a real-life version of the old 'Letting the air out of the band' gag.

And finally, almost twenty-four hours after the end of our ordeal and her conversion, Merry came awake.

At first, we all clamored around her, either hugging her or asking her how she was, until Chopper forced us all to give her some breathing room. Still, we managed to give her a hug from each of us, with even Zoro reluctantly consenting to offer one. Granted, he only consented after Nami threatened to start charging him for the very air he breathed, but still.

Unfortunately, as nice and heartwarming as the moment was, it just couldn't last forever.

**-o-**

"So…" Merry hesitantly poked the bandages wrapped over her back as she glanced over her shoulder. "I… can't ever become a ship again?"

"I'm afraid not," Chopper shook his head solemnly. "I'm so sorry, Merry. I'd fix you if I could, but even with Franky's help modern medicine only goes so far and as it is you'll have to use crutches for a few days and—!"

I cut his rambling off by dropping my hand on his shoulder. The vanilla Human-Zoan glanced up at me before taking a calming breath and getting himself back under control.

"I'm sorry, Merry," he reiterated in a calmer tone. "But no, you can't. You're lucky to not be paralyzed at all, but if you ever try going back again, the prospect of a wheelchair will be the least of your problems."

The white-haired girl looked down, her expression unreadable. Silence fell for a full minute. And then…

"…I'm alright with this," she whispered at last.

"Merry—!" Conis started to speak up.

"No, seriously!" Merry hastily waved her arms in denial. "I-I mean it sucks that I can't turn into a ship anymore, t-that I can't… c-carry you… anymore…"

Merry fell silent as she stared down at her lap, visibly fighting to keep herself under control, but eventually she looked back up, a smile on her face even as tears cascaded from her eyes.

"But I'm _alive,"_ she whispered joyously. "I'm alive and I'm still with you all and I'm going to stay with you all and… and that means more to me than _anything_. And if…" She stared at her hands as she flexed them experimentally. "If I have to get used to being a human instead of a ship from now on… as the price for this new life?" She clenched her hands into fists and nodded firmly. "Then I'll accept… no. No, I'll _more_ than accept it!"

Merry looked up with a massive smile, confidence radiating from her small frame. "I'll _overcome it!_ I'll do what this crew always does, and I'll take what it is that makes me special and I'll beat the world over the head with it! I won't stop and I won't back down, no matter wha— _GRK!"_ Merry cut herself off mid-cheer when she _tried_ to punch her fist into the air and wound up freezing in place, a pained expression flashing across her face. "Ah… little help?"

After chuckling a bit while Chopper shook his head and began treating Merry, I took the opportunity to speak up.

"Alright, so now that we've got that particular endeavor established, I think our first priority should be finding out what exactly Merry's capable of now, agreed?"

A general round of agreement sounded out around the room, but before anyone could say anything further Chopper interrupted us with a raised hoof and a cough to draw our attention.

"I, ah, actually think I have somewhere to start," he mused as he scrutinized Merry's back.

"What, really?" the girl-ship blinked over her shoulder at him.

"Maybe…" Chopper tilted his head curiously before glancing to the side and waving his hoof at the TDWS. "Donny, you're relatively smart, would you mind lending me a hand?"

"'Relatively'!?" the purple-bandanna'd dugong squawked indignantly.

Chopper rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Relative compared to _me_ , Donny."

"…Right, I knew that," Donny coughed before hopping onto the bed and joining Chopper behind Merry. "What do you need?"

"Confirmation from someone with flesh and bone for appendages rather than keratin, and before you ask!" he continued as Donny opened his mouth. "My Heavy Point is not delicate enough for the kind of work I'm doing right now."

"Fair enough," Donny shrugged before eyeing Merry's mutilated flesh. "So, what am I—?"

"Try applying some pressure to her flesh, like so." Chopper demonstrated by pushing his hoof into Merry's back.

"Eep!"

Causing her to flinch in shock.

"Like this?" Donny asked, prodding his flipper at the spot indicated.

"Erk!" Merry shivered in place.

"Yes, exactly!" Chopper nodded. "Now, try applying it like _this."_

"GACK! Hey, what're you—!?"

"So… by doing this then?"

"YEEK!"

"Wait, what—?" Donny blinked before leaning in. "Did she just…?" He poked her again.

"AIE!"

"See, that's what I thought!" Chopper nodded in agreement. "And even if you do it _this way—!"_

"YEOWCH! _MALPRACTICE!"_

"Ah, guys?" I spoke up as I watched them continue _poking_ at Merry's back. "Not that this isn't fun and all—!"

"I BEG TO— _YIPE!"_

" **Very** _ **FUN!"**_ Soundbite cackled uproariously.

"But _what_ is this in aid of?"

"An utterly _fascinating_ para-biological phenomenon!" Donny grinned eagerly as he moved around to start poking at Merry's upper arm. "See, it feels like she has normal flesh here, right?"

Chopper and Donny seemed too caught up in their conjoined science mode to notice the slight amounts of twitching that were starting to occur in Merry's jaw. Some of the crew _did_ notice and exchanged wary glances, but others, like me, had a good idea where this was going, and smirked in anticipation of the inevitable.

"But, then, you press _just_ right…"

Donny's flipper came in for another poke, this time a little faster, and it bounced off her skin.

"It hardens!" Donny said excitedly. "Heck, I think it might even be as tough as her old hull!" Another poke. "I mean, we don't want to test the full extent, of course—" Another poke. "But maybe we can figure out _how_ she's doing this and—!"

"STOP POKING ME ALREADY!" Merry suddenly shouted, grabbing the nearest thing in reach that could pass for a club—that being Mikey's unfortunately positioned _tail_ —and swinging said club at her tormentors. Chopper had the wherewithal needed to duck, but Donny?

_THWACK!_

He wound up halfway through the nearest wall of the room. The nearest _solid stone_ wall.

For a moment, we all just stared at the Dugong's lower body protruding from the wall, some of us in shock and others in barely restrained amusement.

"Science is _fun!"_ Su snickered enthusiastically.

"I _beg_ to differ…" Mikey slurred as he hung in Merry's grip, his eyes spinning dizzily.

"What just happened and what just hit me…?" Donny mumbled out through the wall.

" _ **YOU GOT KNOCKED DA FUGG OUT!"**_ Soundbite cackled uproariously.

"Along with a _load_ of overtime on your reaction-time training," Boss informed him with a roll of his eyes.

"Hmph," Merry sniffed petulantly as she dropped Mikey and crossed her arms. "Jackass."

"…Right, then," Chopper coughed in a tone of forced calm as he readjusted his oh-so-slightly askew hat. "So, her body is the size of a child, but still possesses the proportional strength of a caravel. Well, at least she's got nothing to worry about against Mooks, at least."

I coughed slightly into my fist as I glanced away. "I've been using too much trope-speak…" I muttered to myself.

" _Blasphemy!"_ Soundbite scoffed with a grin.

"To clarify…" Raphey popped her flipper up questioningly. "Just _how_ strong would the 'proportional strength of a caravel' be? No offense, Merry, but compared to some battleships…"

"Compared to battleships she might be tiny, yes," Robin nodded in agreement. "But when compared to us, her normal body _was_ measured on an entirely different weight scale. I dare say we should be grateful she doesn't weigh even half as much as she normally does, or else she would have dragged both Cross and Luffy to the bottom with her."

A sweatdrop hung from Merry's skull as she observed Robin. "Glad to see your morbidly disturbed and twisted sense of humor is back in full force, Robin." Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, and if you try to poke me, I promise you that I will snap your arm off."

Robin's expression remained pleasant, but the hand that had been reaching towards Merry promptly disintegrated into petals. "I'm positive that I have absolutely no idea _what_ you're talking about."

A shameless smile stretched across her face, before stretching even _further_ when Vivi and I grabbed her cheeks and tugged.

"Liar~!" we sang, only letting go when a pair of hands thwacked the backs of our skulls.

"Owww…" Robin winced as she rubbed her stinging cheeks before shooting a flustered look at us. "Will you stop… ruining my moments?!"

"You pretty much accepted me as your younger sibling and you no longer have the shadow of death looming over you if I don't act right, so no," I grinned as I folded my arms behind my head.

"And I can't antagonize you in a passive-aggressive manner anymore without feeling like a total bitch for it, so no," Vivi smirked as she crossed her arms triumphantly.

"YER DAYS OF **acting all** _ **cool and mysterious**_ **ARE DEAD AND GONE!"** Soundbite concluded with a chortle.

Robin's eye twitched slightly. "Is it too late to go back to the days where I was aloof and everyone regarded me with suspicion?"

"Considering how we all _saw_ Cross give you a noogie?" Zoro leered at her. "Welcome to the lands of normalcy."

Soundbite and I laughed even _harder_ as Robin's head hung in such a manner to show that she was, without a doubt, _sulking._

"Alright, alright, fun as this is, if you're all done using me as a lab rat and teasing Robin," Merry interjected. "Do you all mind giving me some space, please? I'd like to empty out my cargo ASAP. It…" She shifted around uncomfortably on her bed. "Feels kinda _weird_ with how I am now, you know?"

That served to draw everyone's attention, and Nami was the first to speak up. "Your… cargo? But… er, even disregarding how that's supposed to work when you're this size, didn't Galley-La already unload everything on board while they were fixing you up? All of our stuff is resting in a storage locker a few blocks away."

"Most of it, sure, but they didn't take all the dirt your trees were in," Merry explained with a grimace. She dug her hand into her coat's pocket and withdrew a fistful of dirt, holding it up for us all to see. "It was fine when it was in its box, but everything I had left must have gotten tossed around when I changed, so now it's just making a mess. So, can I…?"

Nami and I exchanged confused glances before I shrugged. "Ah… go ahead?"

Nodding thankfully, Merry dropped the soil on the ground. Then she withdrew _another_ handful from her pocket and dumped it on the ground as well. Then she removed another handful, and another. Finally, sighing in aggravation, she turned the pocket inside out in a cascade of dirt that resulted in a pile as tall as her bed itself, and quite a bit wider.

Merry smiled contentedly once she was done, stretching her arms above her head with a relieved sigh. "Ahh, now _that_ is a whole lot better. Thanks, that just felt scuzzy, and I think that there were a few bugs in it too!"

Nobody said anything on account of our jaws touching the floor due to the sheer… _spectacle_ we'd just witnessed.

"Hmm…" Meanwhile, Merry was preoccupied with tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Now that I think about it, I probably don't need to carry my ballast stones around anymore, either." As such, Merry reached inside her coat and started digging around.

It was at just that moment that the door to the room opened and Paulie walked in. "Yo!" Paulie saluted us casually. "Just thought I'd check up on you since the company's docs said I was in the clear. How're you all—?"

"Got it!" Merry crowed as she pulled a stone-filled crate the size of, well, _her_ out of her raincoat and held it above her head. "Woo! Even while I'm still holding this I feel ten times lighter!"

"…gwagh?" Paulie enunciated intelligently as his cigarette dropped out of his mouth.

Merry dropped the crate onto the soil next to her and was forced to cartwheel her arms in a panic when she almost tipped backwards out of bed as a result. "Woahwoahwoah, forgot about the other ones!" She hastily dug her hands back into her coat. "Where is it, where is it… aha!" She grinned ecstatically as she brought out yet another crate with utter ease. " _There_ we go! _Much_ better! Anyone wanna take this off my hands? Hey, Usopp, catch!"

"…Anybody got a clue as to how the hell someone that small can carry something that big?" the Galley-La rigging master asked weakly.

I drew my attention away from Merry jokingly taking aim at our sniper to give him a flat, incredulous look. "You didn't just say that. You did _not_ just say that. You cannot tell me that _you_ of all people _really_ just said that, Paulie."

"Eh?" The chain-smoker glanced at me in confusion. "'Course I did, why the hell wouldn't I!?"

My eye twitched, and I held out a hand. "Mind letting me see your rope?"

Paulie shrugged indifferently and shook a few feet out of his sleeve. I accepted the line and, before he could react, began pulling. It took a minute flat before I had withdrawn enough to be confused for an anaconda, and it wasn't running out anytime soon.

"I think it's safe to say that my case is resting like a baby," I drawled flatly, everyone else in the room staring at the display with just as much shock.

"…Okay, I'm basically telling physics to go screw themselves by act of Devil Fruit, whereas _you're_ a semi-normal human being," Merry summarized flatly. "And _that_ is enough rope to rig up one of the Marine's blowhard battleships. What's _your_ excuse?"

"I… ah… you see…" Paulie hemmed uncomfortably, his eyes darting around in a clear panic.

Then his arm flashed out, severing the line with a knife before he turned, sprinted—

_CRASH!_

—and leapt clean through a window as he made a break for it.

Conis stared after him for a bit before tilting her head to the side. "…Why didn't he just use the door?" she questioned in honest curiosity.

"He has experience with debtors," I explained with a sigh as I kneaded the bridge of my nose.

"Personally, I'd really like to know how the heck he managed that," Usopp muttered. "I might have to try looking for him."

I opened my mouth to agree, then froze. "…Actually, I think it would be a better idea to just let it go. Remember what happened last time we tried to look into the finer mechanics of the sudden displacement of mass?"

My co-conspirators and Merry all froze before shivering in utter horror.

"I THOUGHT _we agreed to_ _ **never speak of that**_ **AGAIN!"** Soundbite squawked.

"Right, then!" Chopper piped up hastily. "So, to summarize, Merry's physical capabilities as a caravel have transferred to her human body even without her being in her hybrid form, meaning that she has an exceptional amount of resiliency, perhaps comparable to Luffy's in a pinch; more raw strength than quite a few of us put together, at least when it comes to the matter of lifting; and her storage capacity—"

" **HAMMERSPACE!"**

"Ergh…" I groaned, clawing miserably at my face.

"…that, remains untouched. Alright, so if that's all—"

"Ooh, is that a triple-weave rope? Gimme!" Before we could react, Merry snatched up the end of the rope lying next to her and—

Our jaws promptly crashed into the floor _again_ as Merry proceeded to slurp the rope up like it was one long strand of spaghetti. We could only stare in dumbfounded shock as she swallowed the entire thing, burped, and concluded by leaning back and patting her stomach in satisfaction. "Yummy…"

My eye twitched slightly as I sported a demented smile. "We're gonna be here awhile…"

**-o-**

So… yeah. Turns out that while Merry was fully capable of eating and enjoying normal human food, her preferred fuel was _cloth_. Canvas was ideal, but she'd happily munch on wool, cotton, linen, hemp, and synthetics, though as an incident with Luffy sleep-punching the air attested, rubber was _thankfully_ not a part of that list.

This had resulted in the most awkward situation Sanji had found himself in to date, as he now had to spend a significant amount of time both shopping for canvas _and_ getting advice from Galley-La on how he was supposed to go about turning it into a gourmet meal. After all, no matter how unorthodox Merry's appetite was, he compared the act of serving her raw cloth to serving all of us raw bread, which was unacceptable for a chef of his caliber.

Merry _tried_ to help him out in the endeavor by informing him she also wouldn't mind some pitch and rope, but honestly, going by how all hope seemed to flee from the chef's already-bleak expression, that little tidbit just served to make matters _worse._

As such, when we had established Merry's… 'personal tastes', Nami, Sanji and, at the chef's insistence (read: desperate pleading), Chopper prepared to go shopping and begin experimenting with the various types of 'cuisine' we'd be dealing with in the future.

On the plus side, at least, Merry wouldn't have to worry about Luffy stealing her food… hopefully, anyways.

However, before they left, I was swift to ask a question.

**-o-**

"Oh, Chopper?" I piped up as the trio headed for the door. "Just to clarify, the rest of us are clear to leave, right? Well," I jerked my head at where our captain was snoring and Merry was playing pattycake with Conis. "Besides the obvious suspects, of course."

Chopper looked back and gave us all a once-over, his eyes narrowed contemplatively, before nodding in acceptance. "Carue still needs to rest so his legs can heal, but as long as nobody pulls anything _stupid_ like earlier and everyone takes it easy… then yes, the rest of you have clearance."

"Good," Zoro said, shoving himself up from his bed and striding for the door. "In that case, I need to find a blacksmith." He gripped the black-lacquered hilt at his side with a frown. "With any luck, I managed to stop that rust-bastard before he damaged Yubashiri beyond repair."

"Ah…" Raphey raised her flipper uncertainly. "Should someone go with him?"

"If it's involving swords or booze, I think we can trust him to find his own way," I replied cheekily.

Zoro snorted as he left.

As it turned out, we wouldn't see him for the next twelve hours. Don't ask me how, because to this day I dread the mere idea of asking.

"Well, that's that…" Chopper muttered to himself before stiffening as a thought came to him. "Ah… apropos of nothing, I would suggest that Robin have an escort anywhere and everywhere she goes. For… medical reasons," the reindeer hedged, shooting a sidelong glance at the archaeologist.

"Don't worry, Chopper, I'm never leaving again," Robin reassured him with a light smile.

" _But_ just in case," Vivi spoke up in an impish tone as she slid up next to Robin. " _I'll_ stay by her side if she decides to go out shopping. I won't leave her side even once."

Robin regarded the princess in surprise before smiling confidently. "Oh? Are you _quite_ certain that you can keep up, Miss Princess?"

Vivi graced Robin with an imperious smile as she raised her nose in a sniff. " _Quite_ certain. Don't forget that I can make you do whatever I so desire with a mere word, Miss All Sunday."

Robin nodded before adopting a… _sultry_ look!? "I always _did_ wonder about the veracity of the stereotype of nobility having extravagant tastes," she crooned in a _thoroughly_ provocative tone.

Then, before Vivi could react, the archaeologist reached up and brushed her finger along the princess' cheek. "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to… _elaborate_ later," she breathed.

Vivi stammered and flushed helplessly as Robin brushed past her before snapping her finger up with a huff. "Point to you, Robin," she bit out tersely as she wheeled around and stormed out after our crewmate. "Point to you."

"I try," Robin chuckled victoriously as they left the room.

I was silent for a bit as I stared after her in… honestly, I don't know _what_ I was feeling, but nevertheless I got my wits together and eagerly clapped my hands. "Great! Come on, Usopp, let's get going!" I proclaimed as I strode out of the building, as much to try and move things along as to proceed with my day's plan.

The sniper only hesitated for a moment before hurrying to catch up with me. "What're we going to do, Cross?"

…Oh, no way in _hell_ was I passing up _this_ opportunity.

I promptly wheeled around and spread my arms out wide. "The same thing we do _every_ day, Usopp!" I proclaimed extravagantly.

I then adopted a slasher-esque smile as I drew my transceiver's mic from my bag and brandished it.

"Try and make the world a little more _mad."_

**-o-**

"Doubling the ship's serving area?" Shakky whistled in surprise, clearly impressed. "Are you sure? That's a serious boost!"

"Nyuu, it's not like we have much of a choice!" Hachi chuckled as he scratched the back of his head with one of his hands, the others waving around in embarrassment. "The combination of good food and the SBS being readily available has been bringing in a lot of customers. I thought that the Davy Back Fight attracted a huge crowd, but Enies Lobby? The rush was _insane!"_

The octopus fishman then frowned and crossed his arms as he considered matters. "And of course, chances are that the Straw Hats are going to get into _more_ big fights like that as time goes on, so if I want to be able to keep up with the demand, I need to make a big investment into the business if I want to keep it going."

He sighed as he accepted a glass from his old friend. "I'm also going to have to see about getting an extra pair of hands or two on deck as well, pun recognized; Keimi and Pappug are great, but there just aren't enough warm bodies on Takoyaki 8! We're being stretched way too thin."

"Sorry, Hachi," Rayleigh replied with an apologetic smile. "But this grove cost us an arm and a leg and we've already got our business and our niche going strong. I'm not sure a merger would be that good of an idea."

Hachi sighed. "Yeah, I know, just thought I'd ask. But in that case, who else could I—?"

The ex-pirate suddenly cut himself off, his eyes and mouth slowly widening in realization. He hesitated for a moment as a flash of doubt shot through him, but he mustered his nerve and looked back at the bartender. "Shakky, where do you keep your Transponder Snail?"

" _Don don don don!"_

"Over there," the bartender replied flatly, pointing at the ringing snail while Hachi slumped.

"Nyuuuu… sometimes his timing is awesome," the octopus groused as half his thumbs popped a thumbs-up, while the others jabbed downwards. "Sometimes it really _sucks."_

"Oh, don't worry about it, Hachi. I'm sure that after Enies Lobby, this one won't be nearly as long," Rayleigh chuckled as he stood up from his stool and ambled towards the snail.

"Nyuuu…" Hachi groaned as he massaged his face. "Well, at least there's a bright side: with any luck, the SBS will put him in a good mood so that when I call he doesn't immediately rip me a new one…"

"That's the spirit!" the Dark King laughed as he picked up the snail's speaker.

"… _Broggy, you're no better at faking an accent than I am,"_ an unfamiliar deep voice deadpanned.

" _Seconded,"_ Cross echoed flatly.

" _GO GARGLE SOME MAGMA, YOU BASTARDS!"_ another unfamiliar voice barked.

"Hmm?" Shakky cocked her head curiously. "A couple of guests this time?"

"With one of them being named 'Broggy'…" Rayleigh mused suspiciously.

" _Bosses, please, stop bickering!"_ two more familiar voices pleaded.

"And there are Oimo and Kashi," Hachi noted. "But what do they mean by 'bosses'? They're not working for the Government anymore."

"Unless they mean… ohoho _hoooo…_ " Hachi and Shakky looked at Rayleigh in surprise as he began chuckling. "Why am I even _remotely_ surprised at this point?"

" _They have a point, you know. You should be somewhat careful with what you say. After all—"_ Cross began.

" _You're both live on the SBS!"_

" _ **DON'T STEAL MY SHTICK!"**_ Soundbite roared angrily.

" _DON'T STEAL_ MY _SHOW!"_ Cross followed up.

" _Sorry, but I'm just not sorry! Consider it more payback. And besides, that was_ fun," Usopp snickered.

" _Gegyagyagyagyagya!/Gabababababababa!"_ the show's guests laughed uproariously at the exchange.

" _Ah, it's good to see that no matter how much things change, they always stay the same. Right, Dorry?"_ one of the pair asked with a nostalgic smile.

" _Right you are, Broggy, right you are!"_ the other enthusiastically concurred.

"HA!" Rayleigh barked as he slapped the table in amusement. "I knew it! Damn, those rookies must be some of the luckiest bastards on the seas if they _actually_ managed to find them and live to tell about it!"

"We've already established that they have the sort of luck to throw a hundred and eleven dice and have them all come up sixes," Shakky smirked fondly. "Now come on, come clean, who are they talking to?"

"Wait for it…" Hachi muttered to himself.

" _Ergh… well, anyway, moving on past that little bit… yes, everyone, we of the SBS are back in action! Now, I imagine that you're all probably wondering who I have as guests with me, right?"_

"There it is!" the octopus-fishman laughed.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up…" Shakky grumbled good-naturedly, rolling her eyes.

" _Well, I believe I'll let our resident expert on the matter handle that particular introduction. Usopp, care to do the honors?"_

" _WHA—who, me!? A-Are you—!? Ah… You know what? Sure! Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor as the sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates to introduce you to the biggest role models in my life aside from my father. Hailing from Elbaf, home to the very greatest among those fit to be called Brave Warriors of the Sea, I present the co-captains of the legendary Giant Warrior Pirates—!"_

" _Weighing in at_ _100 Million apiece!"_ Cross commented.

"' _Blue Ogre' Dorry and 'Red Ogre' Broggy!"_

" _To clarify, I'm Dorry!"_ one voice spoke up.

" _And I'm Broggy!"_ finished the other.

" _AND IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE!"_ they finished as one.

The introduction had barely finished when Rayleigh fell into gales of laughter, dangerously close to tipping over in his chair. Hachi's eyes, meanwhile, were nearly popping out of his skull as he gaped at the snail. "THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES?! I thought they were just a myth!"

"Ohooooh no, Hachi," Rayleigh chortled. "The World Government only _wishes_ they were a bad nightmare! They were and apparently still _are_ as real as you and me!"

Shakky swapped her gaze between her male friends in confusion. "Um… care to clue me in here? I've heard of pretty much every crew on the Grand Line, but the only time I've heard of a crew known as the Giant Warriors was the other day, when Cross named Oimo and Kashi as members. Heck…" She scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, I've never heard of a Giants-only crew, period. They usually fight amongst themselves too often to maintain any kind of stability."

"Ooooh, there was one alright," Rayleigh informed her, his laughter dying down to a chuckle. "And it's no surprise that you haven't heard of them, either. After all, they haven't been operating for a while!"

"'A while' my ass!" Hachi scoffed incredulously. "Shakky, according to the legends the Giant Warrior Pirates disbanded over a _century_ ago! The only reason I even heard about them was Rayleigh, and I thought he was just yanking my arms!"

"Nope, real as real can be," the Dark King confirmed. "A few of my older and… well, _bigger_ drinking buddies told me about them. Had no idea whether their captains were actually alive or dead though, or where they were." He smirked as he nodded his head at the snail. "Guess we know the answer to the first of those questions, right?"

" _Aaaanyways, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to clarify how this happened and what's happening now!"_

**-o-**

"See," I swayed back and forth a bit on the crate I was sitting on as I considered my words, watching the workers of Galley-La as they went about their work. "We first met up with the good captains early in our pirating career on an island that will remain unnamed for obvious reasons—!"

" **COUGH—** _ **MARINE BASTARDS**_ — **COUGH!"** Soundbite insinuated not-so-subtly.

"And I decided that hey, seeing as I recently managed to finagle the number of the snail _they_ recently acquired, we might as well have ourselves a nice little interview with two of the most prominent figures in pirate history!" I then jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Also joining us, besides our giant-enthusiast sniper, are two of the crew's heavier-hitting grunts, Oimo the Boar and Kashi the Hawk."

"Hey, ma! I'm still alive!" Oimo laughed happily.

"Brontus, if you can hear me, I haven't forgotten you owe me a load of Beris! Watch your back!" Kashi concurred with just as much enthusiasm.

I snorted lightly at the sheer _banality_ of their reactions before nodding. "Alright, that's enough wind-up, so I'm just gonna go right ahead and jump in with a question concerning some relatively ancient history: Dorry, Broggy, it's safe to say that as the captains of one of the only Giants-only pirate crews to date, you two were quite infamous in your day, right?"

" _Gabababa! You better believe it!"_ Broggy laughed proudly.

" _Our crew was relatively small, only thirty all told, but when it's thirty_ giants? _Giants from_ Elbaf, _no less?_ " Dorry grinned. " _Well, let's just say that we didn't take long to stop counting how many Marine bases we toppled."_

" _Though that was mostly because only half of us knew how to count!"_ Broggy snorted.

" _That too!"_ Dorry laughed in agreement.

"Well, then, in that case, I just have to wonder…" I tilted my head in confusion. "How come your bounties were only ฿100 million each?"

" _ONLY?!"_

_That_ turned out to be a mistake as the two captains bellowed through Soundbite, nearly bowling me over with their volume, although their tones were more incredulous than offended.

" _What alien world are you living on, you dope?!"_ Broggy demanded.

" _Yeah! Don't you know that_ _100 million is nothing short of a fortune!?"_ Dorry concurred.

"B-Bosses, hold on!" Oimo spoke up hastily. "I, ah, I don't understand all of it, lots of big words and we were stuck on Enies and all, but apparently the Government's changed its policies on bounties in the last hundred years. We talked with a lot of people while we were standing guard, and a lot of the more decorated guys said that 100 million was selling you both short."

"Plus you were out of commission for a full century, and considering how the world's economy is primarily fueled by human interests, then the value of the Beri has probably changed over the years, too," Usopp mused.

" _How the hell_ **do you know that, LONG NOSE!?"** Soundbite questioned incredulously.

"He got tutored by someone who knew what _she_ was talking about!" I cut in with a smirk before Usopp could respond, causing him to splutter furiously.

Before he could say jack, however, a _distinct_ whistle coming from Soundbite interrupted him.

" _Ohohoh, what's this? The Brave Warrior of the Sea has a little lady friend waiting for him back home?"_ Broggy smirked mischievously.

" _GEGYAGYAGYAGYA! No wonder he wants to become so impressive!"_ Dorry guffawed.

Usopp fell silent as his face matched Chopper's hat hue for hue, Soundbite providing a whistling noise from his ears in between his cackles.

"Heheheh," Kashi snickered into his fist as he tried to sober up. "A-Anyway! Getting back on topic! Boss Dorry, Boss Broggy, going by what the Marines told us in their spare time, your bounties to modern standards should be somewhere around, eh…" He waved his hand side to side. "Somewhere around 300 mil? _Apiece."_

Silence reigned as we processed that particular tidbit.

"Holy _shit,"_ I whistled in awe.

"NO DOI!" Soundbite concurred.

"That's three times Luffy's bounty!" Usopp exclaimed, before cutting himself off with a hesitant look. "Er… what his bounty _was_ before we burned Enies Lobby to the ground, I mean."

" _Three hundred million…"_ Broggy breathed in awe.

" _That's the biggest bounty I've ever heard of…"_ Dorry concurred in the same tone.

Soundbite then fell silent as he adopted an oddly pensive expression.

"Uh…?" I hedged in confusion.

"No thinkin' about turnin' each other in, collectin' each others' bounties and breakin' out, bosses!" Kashi warned hastily. "It didn't work out the last five times!"

Usopp and I promptly faceplanted in shock.

"So much for the Warriors of Elbaf having any brains between them…" I groaned.

"My beloved world image…" Usopp sobbed miserably. "It's shattered… Tinkling away into stardust…"

" _Oh, come on, that was a hundred years ago!"_ Broggy protested. " _And it looks like the Marines have only gotten stupider while we were gone! I'm sure it could work this time!"_

I glanced up with an irritated glare. "Maybe so, but even stupidity has limits when you double dipsticks just _broadcast it to the whole world."_

"… _Blast it all,"_ the pair muttered despondently.

"AS IF IT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Usopp and I barked indignantly.

" _YOU BRATTY LITTLE SON OF A—Dot dot dot dot!"_ Soundbite suddenly cut himself off as he started ringing with a cackle. " _Dot dot dot dot!_ **Heh,** _ **how much ya wanna bet**_ _that—Dot dot dot dot!—this is_ AN INSULT?"

I pulled myself together just enough to give an indifferent shrug. "Eh, maybe, maybe not. After the near-miss with that smiling lunatic, I think it's pretty clear you can never be sure who's going to call in. Still, though, could be fun!" And with that, I clicked the appropriate button. "Hello, you've reached the SBS!"

" _Glad to be here,"_ said a gruff voice. " _But sorry, this is about as far away from an insult as you can get; I never thought I'd have the chance to speak to the great Dorry and Broggy."_

" _Oh?"_ Broggy asked curiously. " _And who would you be?"_

" _My name is Hajrudin, another giant born and raised on Elbaf. I'm 79 years old, so while I'm after your time, I've grown up hearing the tales of the Giant Warrior Pirates, and I've always looked up to you two."_

I managed to suppress my surprise at hearing exactly _who_ we were talking to as the co-captains responded to his statement.

" _Gabababa! Glad to hear that the next generation is getting a decent education!"_ Broggy bellowed proudly.

Dorry, meanwhile, was somewhat more skeptical. " _Who_ exactly _has been telling our stories? Because if any of them are from Loco Lokos, I am telling you now that I was drunk out of my mind and from behind that guy looked like a—!"_

" _T-There are a lot of different stories from a lot of different warriors!"_ Hajrudin coughed hastily. " _But, ah, there's one tale that none have ever decided to share: where did you two disappear to all those years ago, and why? Oimo and Kashi went looking for you fifty years ago, but the original reason for the dissolution of the greatest crew to sail from the shores of Elbaf yet remains a mystery! Would you be so kind as to honor us with what you've been doing?"_

A pause fell for a moment, to which the two Ogres let out wistful sighs.

" _Well, in all honestly, it wasn't fully by choice that we disbanded the crew,"_ Dorry said. " _It was great fun and excitement sailing the seas, fending off any man or beast who would seek to fight us. And the parties! Oh, Elbaf's best grog was the perfect end to a day of battles."_

" _But we had no choice in the end,"_ Broggy sighed longingly. " _For you see, one day Dorry and I came to a disagreement. Neither of us was willing to back down, and we placed our prides on the line to prove ourselves right! As such… we had no choice but to engage in a duel of honor. We fought each other with as much strength and valor as we could bring to bear!"_

" _But unfortunately, a problem arose,"_ Dorry shook his head solemnly. " _As it turns out, Broggy and I were equally matched in strength, so our duel ended in a draw. But as you well know, that will not suffice to satisfy the might Elbaf! So we fought again… and it resulted in yet another draw. Realizing that this would not end anytime soon, we sequestered ourselves on an uninhabited island so that we might settle our duel in peace! And so, for the past century we have remained faithful to the laws of Elbaf. 73,770 duels have we fought!"_

" _And 73,770 draws have they brought,"_ Broggy concurred.

" _And so it will go until we determine a victor!"_ the two finished in unison.

Silence reigned for a bit as everyone processed that proclamation. It was Hajrudin finally broke it.

" _You disbanded the Giant Warrior Pirates… for a duel…"_ the younger giant breathed slowly. " _It seems that the stories I heard were not accurate."_

My heart skipped at least three beats as I heard Hajrudin, future commander of the Straw Hat Grand Fleet, say those words. If I had in any way managed to screw up the dreams of a future comrade—!

Then Soundbite burst out sobbing tears of manly joy. " _FOR TRULY NO MERE WORDS CAN DESCRIBE JUST HOW TRULY THE BOTH OF YOU MANAGE TO ENCAPSULATE THE MIGHT AND HONOR OF ALMIGHTY ELBA-A-AAAAF!"_ Hajrudin wept rapturously.

My head jerked downwards as a sweatdrop suddenly hung itself from my skull. Right, this was a _future Straw Hat_ we were talking about here, however tangential his membership might have been. I had been worried _why,_ exactly?

Ugh, whatever. I could berate myself for stupidity later, right now I needed to focus on the entire reason I'd tapped these two for an interview in the first place.

"So, if I may interject?" I spoke up. "As a human with little to no knowledge of the laws of Elbaf, I was wondering: is there really no way to end the duel until one of you wins? And it's only to the death?"

" _Mmm… well, there is_ one _alternative,"_ Broggy admitted. " _It hasn't been used in centuries because of how uncommon it is for a duel to go beyond a single match, and the last instance I can think of resulted in both participants dying at the same time, but nevertheless, the laws are clear: in the event of a draw… the duel can end if_ both _combatants are willing to concede. If Dorry and I both stood down and recognized the other's honor, that would be sufficient for Elbaf."_

" _But that's not an option at this stage,"_ Dorry continued with a snort. " _For over the course of the past century, we have forgotten why our duel began in the first place! For us to concede without knowing_ what _we were willing to stake our honor on would be the epitome of disgrace. But we can be reasonably sure that it must have been something important if neither of us were willing to stand down in the early years of our duels."_

I huffed in aggravation at the expected answer, and shot a look of askance up at the giants physically beside me. "Oimo, Kashi? What about you two?"

"Mmm… honestly, I can't remember it either," Kashi admitted.

"We giants might live long, but even our memories have limits," Oimo shrugged helplessly. "Sorry."

I exhaled sharply, and to Usopp and Soundbite, it was no doubt obvious that I was resisting the urge to simply spill what I knew. But still, if I couldn't get them to remember matters the _direct_ way… "Alright, alright…" I muttered to myself before speaking up in what I hoped was a convincingly chipper tone. "Ah well, it was worth a shot! Seeing as we've hit a wall on that subject, let's move onto other topics! Now, while I can't share the name of your island, I do actually have some questions about it! Like, say…" I grinned as I slowly tilted my head to the side. "Those 'mountains' the two of you live in! They look pretty weird, if I'm being honest, and I say that by Grand Line standards! Do you have any idea what that's all about?"

" _Ah, yes, our homes away from home!"_ Broggy chuckled proudly. " _Quite impressive, aren't they? Majestic and imposing, just how we like them back on Elbaf! And they're huge even by our standards, nearly spanning the entire length of the is… land… huh. Ya know, now that I actually take a second to look at them, they actually look kinda familiar. Like… skulls, maybe?"_ Broggy frowned in confusion. "… _Wait a second, that's ringing a bell…"_

" _Skulls… and that hunting contest between your crewmates sounded familiar as well…"_ Dorry murmured, clenching his eyes shut as he tilted his head to the side.

Silence fell, and I kept my hope hidden behind a carefully neutral expression. At least, up until Soundbite began quietly humming the damn _Jeopardy!_ theme and he responded to my acrid glare with a silent cackle.

Still, I suppose that music _was_ somewhat appropriate.

" _THAT'S IT!"_

Because not a second later we all jumped as the two Ogres shouted in unison.

" _Of course, now I remember! Those aren't mountains at all!"_ Broggy bellowed victoriously. " _Those are sea king skeletons! Way back in the day, we both killed a sea king in single combat, and while we were celebrating our victory at a nearby human village—!"_

"— _That little farm girl came up and asked us which one of them was bigger!"_ Dorry picked up eagerly. " _We laid them out side-by-side on Lit—ah, on this island to figure it out, but neither of us could agree on whose was bigger! And since neither of us was willing to back down, we began dueling!"_

" _And that's how it all started!"_ they concluded in unison.

I sighed in relief, not bothering to conceal it, though I promptly fell over a moment later due to a sudden earthquake. Looking around, I saw that the cause was Oimo and Kashi having face-faulted… along with Usopp, and Soundbite, and probably everyone _else_ who'd just heard their little tale.

"WE WENT THROUGH FIFTY YEARS OF INDENTURED SERVITUDE BECAUSE OF A _FISHING COMPETITION?!"_ the pair roared indignantly.

" _I have to say, even_ I'm _sort of disappointed in hearing that such a glorious duel had such a mediocre catalyst,"_ Hajrudin muttered despondently.

"My world view… shattered… _again…"_ Usopp wept sadly.

"SERIOUSLY, _who would_ _ **be willing to**_ **fight for THAT LONG OVER** _ **SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!"**_ Soundbite barked.

"Zoro and Sanji," I deadpanned.

"… _ **Withdrawn."**_

"I feel better now," Usopp said as he snapped back to his feet looking none the worse for wear.

I took a second to snicker at the actions before refocusing at the task at hand. "Alright, so, now that you've remembered the origins of your duel, do you think that you can move on?"

" _HELL NO!"_

I wasn't even _surprised_ at this point, because _of course_ there was no way in hell it would be that easy.

" _There is no way in all the six seas that I will ever concede to the idea that Broggy managed to catch a sea king bigger than mine!"_ Dorry protested indignantly.

" _You wish!"_ Broggy fumed proudly. " _Mine was clearly the larger of the two, I am the obvious victor!"_

" _NEITHER OF US AGREES TO CONCEDE! THIS DUEL WILL CONTINUE!"_

"Oi vey…" I bemoaned, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to work things out. Great, with the two of them so gung ho and the Sea Kings long-since rotted, there was no way in hell we'd be able to come to a conclusion in a straightforward manner, so how—?

…now _there_ was a thought…

"Before you two start beating one another's faces in!" I spoke up hastily, cutting into the pair's argument. "Do you mind if I at _least_ try and change the basis of your conflict a bit?"

" _Eh?"_ The Red and Blue Ogres paused in their argument in favor of looking at me in confusion. " _Whaddaya mean?"_

"Well, look, you guys have been pirates on the Grand Line for a while, right?" I posited. "And that means you've no doubt fought many humans who've been able to give you a run for your money. As such, I think it's safe to say that it's not _size_ that matters when it comes to combat, but rather the sheer strength and power that something has withi—"

" _ **POWEEEEEEER!"**_

I jumped at the sudden voice bursting through Soundbite, who seemed just as shocked. " _TERRY?_ I DIDN'T EVEN _**RING!"**_

" _BEAR GLOVE IS TOO_ POWERFUL _TO BE SLOWED DOWN BY MERE TECHNOLOGYYYYY!"_

" _Would you kindly silence yourself, you musclebound buffoon? We're witnessing something only slightly more momentous than my own incredibly lustrous plumage,"_ Isaiah's baritone cut in.

" _BOTH OF YOU SHUT IT!"_ Drake bellowed indignantly, followed by a decisive _KA_ - _LICK._

I ground my fist into my forehead. "I never thought I could feel so much annoyance towards Old Spice," I hissed. "Ugh… anyway, where was I?"

" _Something about strength meaning more than size in combat,"_ Hajrudin provided.

"Right, thanks. Anyway, do you two agree with me?"

" _But of course!"_ Dorry snorted in an almost insulted manner. " _We have fought many opponents over the years, larger than us and smaller alike, and all too often have we felled larger beings with ease while almost dying at the hands of mere humans!"_

" _It is not size that matters, but the strength held within an entity's frame, no matter how big or how small!"_ Broggy asserted firmly.

I grinned victoriously as I recognized that I had them where I wanted them. ' _Jackpot.'_ "Well, then, in that case," I spread my arms calmly. "I'd say that it's pretty damn obvious that your duel's been a draw right from the onset!"

"… _come again?"_ the two asked in confusion.

My grin widened bit by bit as I felt my blood pressure ramp up from my ever-approaching victory. "Honestly, you two, think about it. Soundbite, what did they say the count was?"

" _Seventy-three thousand_ _ **seven hundred and seventy**_ _,"_ he responded in Dorry and Broggy's voices.

"Exactly. That many duels, day after day for the last _100 years,_ and in all of that time, _neither of you_ gained _any_ headway? If there's one thing obvious from a track record like that, it's this: you're perfect equals in strength, and always have been. As such!" I snapped my finger up. "We can equally assume that those two Sea Kings you defeated were _also_ perfectly equal in strength, with neither being any stronger than the other!"

Dead silence fell as my words sunk in. Oimo and Kashi's jaws slowly dropped as the penny hit, and small squeaks were escaping from Usopp as he twitched in place. From Soundbite's movements, it seemed as though Dorry and Broggy were slowly turning their heads to stare at one another. The silence stretched on for almost a minute.

Then, I turned my attention to my fellow crewmates. "Usopp… and you too, Hajrudin. Would you care to do the honors?"

Credit where it was due, the pair was quick to get their collective acts together.

" _I-I, Hajrudin Hammerfist, a-as an impartial witness and a proud warrior of Elbaf—!"_

"A-A-And, I Usopp, a-a-as sni… as _king_ of snipers, crewmate of the Straw Hat Pirates and a Brave Warrior of the Seas—!"

" _We declare that in light of new information, the honor duel between Red Ogre Broggy and Blue Ogre Dorry…"_

There was a moment as they sucked in deep breaths, and then… they said it.

"WE HEREBY DECLARE THEIR DUEL!" they roared as one. "TO BE NULL AND VOID! _IT'S A DRAAAAAAAAAW!"_

Of course, the second those words escaped their mouths, several other people began roaring as well. More specifically?

"GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA/GABABABABABABABABABABABA!"

The subjects of the duel in question. Soundbite was nearly tearing his own jaw out with how hard he was laughing, but furthermore, he was also sobbing his little heart out.

" _W-W-We're free, Dorry!"_ Broggy hiccupped gratefully. " _Y-Y-You hear that!? W-WE'RE FREE-EE-EEE!"_

" _W-We don't have to kill each other!"_ Dorry wept through his smile. " _W-We can go back to the sea! Back to our adventures! WE CAN GO BACK TOGETHER!"_

"B-B-Bosses…" Oimo blubbered euphorically. "D-Does this mean—?"

"A-Are you sayin'," Kashi wheezed out. "What we _think_ you're sayin'!?"

"Say it!" I goaded. "Say it here and say it now, loud and proud for all the world to hear!"

**-o-**

" _GLADLY!"_ the Red and Blue Ogres chorused. " _HEAR US, PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! AS OF THIS MOMENT, AFTER NEARLY ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF ABSENCE, OUR MIGHTY CREW, RENOWNED THE WORLD OVER, THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES…"_

"Ohh, dear," Kizaru muttered as he fingered his neck brace with the hand on his cast-free arm. "And I thought they couldn't possibly follow up with another massive attack so soon after Enies Lobby." He turned his wheelchair to the side, angling his cast-encased leg in such a manner so that he could glance out the window of his office. "I wonder how much impact _this_ will have…"

" _HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN REFORMED!_ _ **RAAAAAAAGH!"**_

" _ **RAAAAAAAAAAGH!"**_

Kizaru felt a line of sweat break out on his brow as the Ogres' battle cry was echoed from several places across the seat of Marine power. "Guess that answers _that,_ huh? Tsk, damn demon and his damn big mouth, he's nothing but trouble. It would really be a good idea if I just warped over to the island and killed him before he even saw me coming."

He shrugged, shifting his limbs about in their casts as he sighed, leaning back in his wheelchair and letting his eyes drift shut. "Too bad I had to injure myself this badly. Ah, well. At least Sengoku can't be mad at me for this."

" _ **BOOORSAAALIIINOOO!"**_

The light-man cracked his eyes open with an unnerved expression. "Then again, I _have_ been battin' pretty badly so far…"

**-o-**

" _HAJRUDIN!"_ the co-captains barked suddenly.

"S-SIRS!" the 'young' giant responded.

" _As it stands, even with our old crewmates returning to our flag, chances are that we will be left somewhat shorthanded,"_ Broggy summarized solemnly before donning a massive (you know what I mean) grin. " _As such, we are currently recruiting. Interested?"_

Hajrudin's jaw practically cracked the ground in shock. " _A-Are you serious?"_ he whispered in awe.

" _We'll take that as a yes!"_ Broggy guffawed. " _Spread the word to all of Elbaf's new generation, whoever hasn't already heard us by now: as of now, we're accepting new blood with open arms!"_

" _Ah-I-I… I… I WOULD BE HONORED, MY CAPTAINS!"_

" _Gababababa! Excellent! Now, Oimo, Kashi—!"_

" _Ah, actually!"_ Dorry interjected hastily. " _Would you mind if we took a break? We need to plan this out properly, and bullheaded as we might be, allowing the whole world a peek at our playbooks probably wouldn't work out as well for us as it does for you."_

"My faith is restored," Usopp breathed in euphoria.

"Heh, sure thing, you guys," I waved my hand casually. "Ladies and gentlemen, time for an intermission, and I think we know the best way to fill that space, don't we?"

" **Yay!** _ **Time for**_ _SOUNDBITE'S music cor—KCH!_ **HEY, WHAT THE DEU—** _ **KCCCCH!**_ OH, NOT THIS AGAI—K-K-KCCCCHHH _HHHHAPAPAPAPAAAAA! DID YOU MISS ME, WORLD?"_

I hid a snicker behind by fist. "Good timing," I muttered _sotto voce._

" _What can I say, an entertainer's got instincts!"_ Apoo whispered back. " _Anyway, I'll call in to talk with you later. For now, though… APAPAPAPAAAA!"_ My 'rival' roared at full blast. " _YES, WORLD, IT'S ME, APOO, THE ROAR OF THE SEAS, HERE TO DO AS I PLEASE!"_

"GET OFF _**my frequency,**_ **you long-armed** _WANNABE!_ _**I WANT MY**_ **MUSIC CORNER!"** Soundbite half-roared, half-whined.

" _Apapa! I have a better idea! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A HIKE?!"_

" **NONONO—** _ **KCCCCCHHHHH!"**_

" _There we go!"_ Apoo laughed victoriously. " _Alright, now that_ that _pest has been dealt with, we can finally begin! The show you've all been waiting for, Apoo's Music Hour!"_

"Well! Now that that's dealt with," I said, smirking and clapping my hands as Apoo began playing his song. "You were saying, Broggy?"

" _Uh… right…"_ The Red Ogre hesitated momentarily before shaking his head and getting back on track. " _As I was saying! Oimo, Kashi, for starters… at a guess, the_ Valhalla—?"

"The best mead hall in all of Elbaf!" Kashi boasted proudly.

"But, uh…" Oimo waved his hand before his face with a wince. "Not seaworthy anymore. Sorry."

" _Bah, we suspected it after the first few decades,"_ Broggy sighed fondly. " _At least the old warrior is resting in peace with happy warriors in his belly. That's all we can ask."_

" _But if that's the case…"_ Dorry muttered thoughtfully. " _You two are still in Water 7, correct?"_

"Aye, sirs!" the pair saluted.

" _And their quality hasn't dropped over the years?"_

" _If anything, sirs, it's gotten better!"_ Hajrudin cut in swiftly. " _Even in the New World, Water 7 is acknowledged as the capital of shipwrights! None surpass it!"_

" _Perfect!"_ Broggy barked joyously. " _Stay put there, then, and Hajrudin, bring our new recruits there as well, and spread the word to the old guard while you're at it! The Giant Warrior Pirates will reunite on Water 7, our first task being to commission a new vessel for a new era!"_

" _What's a pirate without a ship?"_ Dorry agreed. And then his face fell. " _Though, uh, we might be a bit late. It'll take some time for us to build a raft big enough to hold the both of us, and the only Log we have is the Eternal one to Elbaf, so…"_

"Don't even worry about it!" I reassured them. "I'll call in a favor from one of my friends and get them to swing around and pick you up! There should be no prob—OW!" I yelped as Soundbite chomped on my unarmored fingers. I glared at him for a moment, but his own glare got his point across. "Ah… right, almost forgot. See, these friends of mine _might_ seem disconcerting at first glance, but I swear to you, if they say Ophiuchus sent them, you've got nothing to worry about."

" _You… You'd really be willing to do that for us?"_ Broggy asked incredulously.

"Of course!" Usopp spoke up before I could. "We're allies and we're fellow Warriors of the Sea, why _wouldn't_ we be willing?"

"What he said," I concurred with a smile. "Anyway, I'll take care of everything once we're done, but for now… You guys up for continuing the interview?

" _But of course!"/ "No question!"_

A glance at Soundbite prompted him to let out a quiet series of clicks, and Apoo subsequently began winding down his track.

" _Apapapapa! That should do for now, time to get back to the spoils of the Marine ships! Nothing tastes better than someone else's food!"_

"—DAAAAH! _Huff… huff… WELL, HE'S GONE!_ _ **I'm back.**_ **NOW, we return to the regularly scheduled—** "

"—interview with Dorry and Broggy."

"I'M BEING GYPPED!" Soundbite snarled.

"'Cut' might be more appropriate, seeing as for all that I'm your partner, I'm also your _boss,"_ I snickered.

"I resent that!"

"Not talking to you, literal-leatherneck!" I called out, not even bothering turning to look at the inadvertently named Dugong as he passed by, re-donning my smiling and clasping my hands together. "So! Where were we?"

**-o-**

The rest of the interview was certainly interesting, especially from a historical point of view, but overall, it proved to be pretty uneventful, and I ended the SBS soon after its conclusion. From there, Oimo and Kashi had resumed helping Galley-La rebuild the city, as well as passing on a request for them to start drawing up blueprints for a ship worthy of giants. Iceburg had had an odd gleam in his eye as he heard that request. I put it off to a unique challenge.

Usopp had left after that to actually make use of his ฿2 million in spending money, while Soundbite and I had decided to simply return to our living quarters, where I learned both good news and… well, not bad, but unexpected.

Good news, Merry had feeling back in her legs and was up and out of her bed, even if she was on crutches.

The unexpected news, however…

**-o-**

"Nononoooo _oomph!"_ Merry grunted, lying prone for a moment before opening her eyes and glaring into the floorboards. "This is _embarrassing…"_ she ground out irritably. "I'm a _child_ , not a _baby._ Why am I having so much trouble _walking?"_

"Because," I huffed as I slid my hands beneath her shoulders and lifted her back onto her feet. "Just like Conis, you've only ever had _sea legs_ your entire life. Even without the crutches, you'd still be tripping from trying to overbalance _and_ from trying to learn how to walk at all. I know it sucks, but…" I clapped her shoulders reassuringly before taking a kneeling position before her. "All we can do is press on, right?"

Merry grumbled melancholically beneath her breath before heaving a weary sigh. "Yeah, I know, I know. No pain, no gain…" She was silent for a second before cracking a slight smile. "At least I know you'll always be there to catch me, right?"

"Unless it's funny," I corrected with a smirk.

"THEN WE JUST STAND BACK _and laugh!"_ Soundbite cackled.

Merry twitched slightly at that, a scowl flashing across her face before she suddenly let loose with the waterworks. "Cooooo _niiiiis,"_ she whined in a distinctly childish tone. "Cross and Soundbite are picking on me!"

I blinked in confusion. "Eh—?"

"Sorry, Cross."

"Wait, wha—!?"

_THUMP!_

"YEOW!" I yelped, clutching the goose egg I was suddenly sporting.

"But to be fair, you _are_ making a little girl cry," Conis sniffed as she hefted the bazooka she'd been polishing.

" **Merry used Fake Tears!"** Soundbite chortled. " **It's** _ **only halfway**_ **effective!"**

"Wanna bet?"

" _Say wha—AAAAAGH!"_

"Tseeheeheehee!" Su cackled as she laid on her back and spun Soundbite in her paws. "Punishing you guys is _fun!"_

" **PUT ME DOWN!** _ **YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME when I'm**_ REVENGENING!"

"Seriously, you wouldn't," I smirked at Su. "You weren't here at the time, but Merry knows just how deep Soundbite's ire goes. As an example… Jaya?"

"AAAGH!" the erstwhile ship howled in agony as she grabbed her ears. "Damn it, Cross, I'm already suffering from physical trauma, don't pack mental scarring on there as well!"

"Don't mentally scar kids, Cross," Boss noted absentmindedly as he carefully detailed the scroll of seaweed he was inscribing.

"I beg to differ!" Donny barked indignantly as he rubbed his skull. "I say that mental scars will match perfectly with the remnants of my concussion!"

"My fractured ribcage agrees with— _YEOW!"_ Mikey yelped as a metal hook bounced off his skull.

"Less talking, more working on your flexibility," Boss ordered without looking up. "Either you manage to pull off the Nori Arts by tonight, or I'll limber up your skeletons myself."

"But _Booooss!"_ the orange-bandanna'd fighter whined pitifully. "This is totally impossible! You pulled off bending that way because you're a total monster, but we're _normal!_ We can't just—!"

"Woohoo, this is fun!"

"—abuhwah?" Mikey said intelligently as he snapped his gaze over to Raphey in shock.

The dugong in question was flowing like a strand of seaweed caught in a current around Mikey. "Heck, it's more than fun! It's easy!"

"But _how!?"_

"Eh, I guess that girls are just more flexible than boys." Raphey shot a violence-filled grin at Boss. "Hey, mind if I help Mikey loosen up?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever makes you happy," the older dugong replied dismissively.

"Wait, _wha—!?"_ CRACK! " _YEARGH!"_

"Thaaat's right!" Raphey cackled as she bent Mikey over her shoulders, eliciting more than a few pops and snaps from his joints. "Just loosen up! Let aaaall the tension flow right out of you!"

"THE TENSION IS RIPPING ME IN HALF!"

"Sounds like a 'you' problem. Maybe if I pull _harder?"_

"AAARGH!"

Donny's eye twitched fearfully as he watched his comrades go at it. "I don't know what scares me more, that this is _normal_ for them or the idea that I might be next."

"Personally?" Leo mumbled out through the mummy's worth of bandages he was wrapped in. "I'm more concerned about ever being able to move at _all."_

"Don't think you're excluded just because of your injuries, Leo," Boss commented. "I want your Shell Body up to specs once you get out of there."

"Yes, sir…"

"Attaboy."

I rolled my eyes at the dugongs' interactions before turning my attention to Boss. "Say, not to tell you how to teach your students, Boss, but could I suggest having them change their focus?"

"Why?" the older Dugong asked, finally glancing up from his scroll.

"It's just, well," I shrugged helplessly. "Between the Full Shell Style, your hook and your all-around strength, you have all ranges from long to short covered, whereas they—"

"—are confined to short, damn it!" Boss cursed furiously as he shot to his tail and hastily stuffed his scroll in his shell. "Alright, boys, change of plans! Raphey, drop Mikey and grab Leo! We're going out _now_ and we're not coming back until we've got your bases damn _covered!"_

"HA!" Mikey barked joyously as he slipped out of Raphey's grasp. "Now _I_ have the upper hand!" He snatched his pistols out of his holsters and spun them by their triggers. "I've already got long-range covered, so I can just kick back and— _WAGH!"_

"Practice on your all-around proficiency with those things until you're about as good as Conis or Usopp?" Boss finished as he hauled Mikey along by his tail. "Couldn't agree more! _NOW GET A MOVE ON!"_ And with that—

"YEARGH!"

—he flung his student out the window Paulie had already broken earlier and followed after him, with Donny and a Leo-carrying Raphey right behind him.

I blinked slowly as I tried to process what the _hell_ had just happened before turning back to Merry. "So, you still ready to go?"

Merry shifted uncomfortably on her bed before plastering an uneasy grin on her face. "Does… anyone _else_ have anything they can do to delay things a bit longer?"

Silence.

She sighed wearily as she prepared herself. "Yeah, didn't think so." She swung her legs off of her bed, positioned the crutches on the floor, and slowly put her weight on her legs. She grimaced with visible pain and effort, but she stood. Then, slowly, she put one foot in front of the other, moving her crutches appropriately as she did so.

"Two," she muttered as she took another step. "Three. Four. Fivvvve… siiiaaaah!"

I caught her as she pitched forward, smiling proudly as I patted her back. The part that _wasn't_ a mess of scar tissue, to be specific. "That was great, Merry!"

"That was six. Lousy. Steps…" she muttered acridly into my shoulder.

"And when you try again you'll manage seven, then eight, then ten, and _then_ you'll start doing it without crutches," I continued for her. "Come on, you'll make it with hard work, you know you will! I mean, just look at me!"

"W-Well…" Merry glanced hesitantly to the side.

"Come on, you know I know what I'm talking about!" I scoffed as I helped her back onto her bed. "I mean, look at the aftermath of Eneru! First it took me awhile to get my limbs moving again without agony, and then it took me awhile to get over my astraphobia, flash by flash and rumble by rumble, but look at me now!" I spread my arms confidently. "Ain't no phobia got no strings on me!"

It was at that instant that the door to the house slammed open with a thunderous rumble. " _Cross."_

I promptly snapped to attention, cold sweat streaming down my face. "I did nothing wrong and/or am being framed."

"Bullshit," Lassoo promptly scoffed.

"Malarkey," Merry nodded solemnly.

"I don't twust you as faw ash I can kick you," Carue spoke up, pointedly twitching his cast-bound legs before falling back into his snoring.

"I'm sorry, Cross, but they do have a point," Conis smiled apologetically.

"TSEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEEE!" Su cackled _un-_ apologetically.

" **I love** _this crew!"_ Soundbite breathed.

I twitched viciously as I swept a glare over my crewmates. "You're all _dead to me,_ " I vowed before spinning on my heel and plastering a smile on my face. "What's up, Nam— _eep!"_

My false smile shattered into shards of terror in the face of our navigator's expression. Sure, she _looked_ perfectly calm and peaceful, smiling with a serenity befitting of Vivi herself, and I might have even bought it too… were it not for the roiling storm front looming around her, snapping and crackling from where it was hanging over us.

I swallowed fearfully before looking at Nami's… general direction, because for the _life_ of me I could not look her in the eyes. "I-I-Is something wrong, Nami?" I squeaked in a tone of thoroughly forced calm.

"Cross," Nami repeated as she crossed her arms and tilted her head to the side _just_ so. "Would you care to explain exactly _why,_ in the middle of my shopping with Sanji and Usopp, we were delivered a _literal_ half-ton of rugs in _your_ name?"

My fear faltered in the face of the sheer _randomness_ of the statement, prompting me to blink at her in confusion. "Rugs? Uh… sounds like a prank to me, I don't remember buying _anything_ in the city. I mean, I didn't even get a chance thanks to the—ohh, that's right." I scratched the back of my head with an embarrassed grimace. "Look, I'm sorry, but it was an accident, alright? When the Unluckies jumped us a few days back, I crashed into that guy's stall and going by the shotgun he was sporting, he had a 'you break it you buy it' policy, and he did _not_ like people skimping on the bill."

My dread gone, I shrugged apologetically instead. "Look, I'm sorry that I used money from the briefcase, alright? I know it was for our new ship, but it was an emergency. You can take it out of my share of the money, I doubt I'll be buying too much with it anyways. And besides, it's not like we won't have anyplace to put them, right?"

All throughout my explanation, Nami nodded along and hummed in agreement. "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's exactly right, Cross. I've already deducted that charge from your cut. All of what you just said is fair, but, you see…"

Soundbite and I flinched in terror as the clouds above us rumbled ominously.

"You're overlooking _one_ little detail," Nami chirped pleasantly as she loomed over us and held a paper up for me to see. "You still have to pay for the _rest_ of the damages."

"The rest of the whaaa _aaaaah shite_ ," I started to parrot before finishing in a squeak as I scanned over the paper, which turned out to be a table of said financial damages.

"Ohhh, you know," Nami slowly tilted her head to the side, her paralyzed smile remaining ever-present. "The damages that resulted from your little _romp_ with your little friends? Now, of course, Iceburg is covering all the _property_ damage, since he's dealing with that anyway from CP9 and Aqua Laguna." Her smile stretched to truly Cheshire-ish proportions. " _But that still leaves the merchandise."_

"Hohoho, this is _hilarious!"_ Merry chuckled eagerly. "Just how bad is it?"

"Lemme take a looksee!" Su hastily scrambled up my back and peered over my shoulder. "And the final count is—!" The cloud fox stared at the paper for a moment before affixing me with a flat look. "You're fucked."

"Su!" Conis gasped as she snatched up her companion. "I'm sure that's not even _remotely_ true! Now, let me just take a look and…" Conis lapsed into silence as her jaw steadily dropped. "…Holy _shit,_ Cross."

A strangled wheeze dragged its way out of my throat. That… was not a small number I was looking at. Rather, it was a big number. A very, very, _very_ big number.

" _THAT MUCH FOR CABBAGES?!_ **No wonder his** CART WAS FULL!" Soundbite spat indignantly.

"Maybe so," Nami admitted with a shrug. "But we still need to pay. And when I say 'we'…" The storm rumbled and crackled as she leaned in close.

I shivered in terror before hastily snapping a finger up with a panicked grin. "May I have a moment? I'd like to consult my legal counsel."

"Sure!" Nami said pleasantly. "Even death row allows final requests."

I shuddered at that before spinning on my heel and crouching down, huddling up with Lassoo and Soundbite. "What the hell do we do!?" I hissed desperately, hiding my mouth behind my hand.

" _What the hell_ **is this 'we' shit,** KEMOSABE!?" Soundbite hissed indignantly.

"Yeah!" Lassoo snarled from behind his paw. "You're the one whose head they wanted!"

"And _you're_ the one who was blasting left right and center, so you're in it as deep as me!" I shot right back, directing a glare at the snail. "And you know as well as I do that whatever hell I go to, I'm dragging you there with me, so maybe you should get off your ass and _think of a way to save our skins!"_

"Oh, yeah!?" Lassoo bit out. "Well, as your 'legal counsel', I formally advise you that we are _screwed!"_

" _YEAH!"_ Soundbite spat. " **WE CAN'T PAY** _ **THAT FORTUNE WITHOUT**_ **tapping the crew fund,** _ **and that means going through Nami!"**_

"Well…" I scrambled for options. "Maybe we can just make a break for it and wait for this to all blow over?"

As one, we all glanced back at Nami… and promptly snapped our gazes forward with renewed cold sweat at sight of the lightning snapping around her.

"Hell no," I summarized.

"Not a chance," Lassoo whined.

" _We are going to die,"_ Soundbite whimpered. " _We are GOING to_ _ **DIE!"**_

"Maybe so…" I nodded slowly, clenching my fists "But at least we can take our last option like men. You guys with me?"

"As if I had a choice."

"EVER _**AND ALWAYS!"**_

"Then let's do it."

With that, I stood up, we all turned to face Nami with determined expressions…

And then we all fell flat on the ground.

"PLEASE SPARE OUR WORTHLESS SOULS, OH MIGHTY MISTRESS OF WEATHER!" we sobbed as one.

Nami's expression didn't change at all as she observed our groveling. Then she opened her mouth—

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

And snapped it shut, also snapping her Eisen Tempo back to her usual cloudy aura as Soundbite began ringing and the three of us slumped in relief. "Damn."

"I never thought I'd say this straight up, but _God bless the Navy!"_ I proclaimed as I got to my feet. "Well, now that that's over and done with—GRK!" I was cut off by a vice grip clamping down on my shoulder.

"We will continue to discuss this _later,"_ Nami promised me.

I whimpered in agreement, and Nami thankfully released me. I took a moment to get my heart rate back below jackhammer levels, and glanced around the room. "Conis, Su, if you wouldn't mind taking a walk for a bit?"

"Oooh, more secret political maneuvering, eh?" Su said. "Count me— _ACK!"_

"Sorry about her," Conis apologized as she held her struggling companion up by her tail. "I'll make sure to keep a close eye on where she is."

"Thanks," I nodded gratefully before turning to the duck in the room. "Carue, since Vivi's not here right now—?"

"Count me out," Carue squawked with an airy wave. "Gawding evewyone's my job, Ah'll weave the powiticaw schtuff tah you guys."

"Fair 'nuff. Conis, would you mind—?"

"Heave- _ho!"_ the angel grunted as she lifted the duck to his feet and supported him.

"Alright, and Carue, do you think you could carry—?" _THACK!_ " _MMPH!?"_ A sudden pillow hitting my face cut off my question.

"I already _know_ everything, dingus," Merry said, crossing her arms with a petulant pout. "Let me outline this for you: I want in, and if you want me out you'd better be willing to bring one _hell_ of a fight."

I opened my mouth to tell her exactly why that was _not_ happening, and then I clicked it shut as I realized I didn't really _have_ an answer to that, did I? "Alright, fine, you can stay if you want."

"Yes!" she crowed, pumping her fist.

"But no… not _too much_ screwing around."

"Aww…" she groaned, plopping back onto her bed.

"Well!" Lassoo barked up hastily. "If she's free to stay, then I'm free to go. Politics bore me. Among, ah…" He glanced at Nami and shivered. " _Other_ reasons… _seeyawouldn'twannabeya!"_ He hastily belted out the last part before scampering out the door.

"TRAITOR!" Soundbite howled after him.

"TRAITOR WHO'S GONNA _LIVE!"_

I grimaced as the dachshund escaped before picking up the receiver; with any luck, this would have enough good news that the blow Nami struck would be softened. Though as my greeting showed, my hopes weren't high.

- **o-**

" _George's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"_

"That is awful," Tashigi deadpanned, regarding the snail before her and her superior with a flat look.

" _What, you haven't noticed yet?"_ Cross scoffed indignantly. " _I'm what the world would consider an awful person! It's in my nature!"_

"Awful person or not, don't you think you could try and stay serious for _half_ a second, Cross?" Smoker sighed wearily.

"… _I'll do you the courtesy of presuming that you took a blow to the head in the past twenty-four hours and ignore that question."_

" _Honestly, Smoker, you really should know better by now,"_ Nami lamented with a slight grin.

" _Heheheh, yeah! No wonder we always manage to get away from you guys, you're actually pretty dumb!"_

A _new_ voice caused the Marines to pause in shock.

"Was that—?" Tashigi started to ask.

" _Yep, Going Merry in the flesh!"_ the girl-ship crowed. " _And before you guys even think of booting me out of this, remember that I've listened in on every one of you bozo's meetings up until now, so I'm about as deep in this as you, so there!"_

The two Marines exchanged glances before _sloooowly_ examining the walls around them. "So, the walls really do have ears," Tashigi stated in a distinctly unnerved voice. "Good to know."

Smoker pinched the bridge of his nose as he heaved out a fume-laden sigh. "As if the snail and the princess weren't bad enough…" he grit out.

Cross snickered for a bit before swiftly sobering up. " _Amusing as chipping away at a person's sanity always is, we can joke later, so for now, let's touch base and get to work. First things first: got any news from behind the white-and-blue lines?"_

"Oh, only enough to fill a newspaper cover to cover," Tashigi dryly replied . "While your crew was burning down Enies Lobby, Goat, Rooster and almost a dozen other big-named rookies in the Grand Line were causing trouble of their own. The quick version is that the Navy has lost a quarter of its liquid assets, at least three bases to mutiny or civilian rebellion, and a dedicated training grounds for Marines ranked Rear Admiral and higher has suffered significant damage. And that's just from the _rookie_ pirates."

"Meanwhile, where your comrade's little…" Smoke started drifting up from the Commodore's body as he spied Tashigi's knuckles turning white as she gripped her sleeves. " _History lesson_ was concerned, 90% of the Marines' giants mutinied when they heard about Ohara. Admiral Aokiji subdued them with… relative ease, but the remaining loyalists in Marineford are recovering from either being attacked or trying to stop the fight."

He gave a snort, tapping the ashes off his cigar. "Once all was said and done, a headcount showed that at least five of the mutineers went AWOL in the initial battle. As for the rest of them, they stood down and reaffirmed their loyalty to the Marines when Akainu convinced—"

"Read, _threatened,"_ Tashigi clarified.

"—them, though they're still under observation."

" _Ah… wait, I'm sorry, did you just say 'Akainu_ threatened _them'?"_ Cross blinked in confusion. " _Akainu doesn't threaten, he immolates."_

"Not in this case, he doesn't," Smoker scoffed. "Sengoku was… _insistent_ on the extent of his actions, and is still insisting right now. Still, even with the scrutiny on them, we're going to be looking into all of those giants for potential additions to our number. While half of them were most likely just caught up in the rush of it all and are still sincere about their loyalties to the Marines, I don't doubt that the other half were just gritting their teeth so that they wouldn't give the mutt an excuse."

"… _HOLY SHIT,"_ Soundbite summarized succinctly.

" _No kidding,"_ Cross agreed.

" _HA! And I thought we caused enough chaos in person!"_ Merry chortled.

" _Ah… wait, hang on a second…"_ the Straw Hats' navigator spoke up in confusion. " _You said that only the_ Giants _mutinied at that? Why only them and not other soldiers? Well, what made them mutiny_ en masse _, I mean."_

"Ah… gimme a second here…" Tashigi muttered under her breath as she withdrew a notebook from her jacket and started flipping through it, finishing up by tapping one of the more recently filled pages. "Ah, here it is: according to intel we managed to suss out, former Vice Admiral Jaguar D. Saul was exceptionally popular among the Marine giants, and in spite of his death being two decades ago, his friendship was still fresh in their mind. As such, they took offense to his manner of death, as well as to the Navy hunting Nico Robin, who they apparently consider to be his ward."

She then flipped to the next page and cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "Furthermore, there were also apparently a few veterans of the Giant Warrior Pirates among those enlisted, due to the Navy being more generous when it comes to recruiting extra-human soldiers, and they were already upset when they heard about Oimo and Kashi. And with both of those in mind, it seems that the breaking point was when Vice Admiral John Giant said that Saul deserved his fate. _That's_ when the riot started, and matters just seemed to escalate from there."

"Typical for a D.," Smoker muttered under his breath. "Raising seven different kinds of hell even from beyond the—!" The smoke-man snapped his jaws shut, growling, when Merry started howling with laughter.

" _Hrm…"_ Nami mused thoughtfully. " _If that's the case… a suggestion for whoever you have watching the giants you think might be good for recruitment: tell them to drop Saul's name and watch for a reaction. If they're not totally onboard with the Marines, they'll show it."_

"You're sure?" Tashigi asked in confirmation.

The navigator's expression darkened. " _I've had more than eight years' worth of practice hiding the fact that I hate a person while being within shooting distance of them at every hour of the day. I know."_

A harsh silence fell as Smoker and Tashigi both grimaced at that particular reminder. "I'll pass on the recommendation," the commodore said at last.

"ALRIGHT, CHANGING THE SUBJECT _NOW._ _ **QUESTION FOR THE TURNCOATS:**_ _the hell's got you down_ **in the dumps, FOUR-EYES?** _ **We just kicked**_ _ten kinds of_ _ASS_ AND _GAVE THE_ **WORLD GOVERNMENT THE big mama of** _black eyes!_ _ **SHOULDN'T YOU BE**_ _cheering from the_ _ **rooftops?"**_

Tashigi bit into her lip as she slowly bowed her head, her expression shadowed by both the lights of the room and her bangs. Going by how the snail's expression sobered up and became somewhat hesitant, it was clear that the message had gotten across. Smoker made to say something…

"It's hard for me to get enthusiastic about anything…"

But was interrupted by Tashigi's dull voice.

"When I can still hear Nico Robin, a woman I thought, _knew_ was a monster, outlining each and every last detail of the horrors that the World Government inflicted on Ohara. It's hard to really feel much of anything knowing that I supported an organization responsible for something like _that…"_

Silence fell again, at least until Cross put up a (shaky) grin over the connection.

" _H-Hey, come on, Lieutenant, you know that's not true,"_ the pirate insisted. " _You're_ not _part of that organization, remember? You're part of one that's dedicating itself to_ preventing _shit like that from happening ever ag—"_

"Anymore."

"… _eh?"_

"I'm not a part of that organization _anymore,_ Cross," Tashigi clarified through grit teeth, tears brimming in her eyes. "I still actually joined them, I still served at their behest… because I had _faith_ in them. I had faith in the Navy, in the World Government. And even after you helped show me what you did, I _still_ had faith in them, in that there was _some_ measure of good left in the Marines, in _spite_ of the corruption obviously infesting it! But now…"

She reached beneath her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Now I know the corruption runs to the very top, to the Fleet Admiral himself. I…" She let out a pained groan as she shook her head. "I honestly didn't see it coming. I just…"

" _None_ of us did, Lieutenant," Smoker said, softer than any present had heard from him. "We all thought that Sengoku of all people would be the unyielding pillar of Justice we all see him as, that he wouldn't resort to these methods." The Commodore then directed an acrid glare at the snail. "So unless you're going to tell me that you _lied_ about Sengoku's name being on that many entries in the black book, in which case there _will_ be consequences—!"

" _Commodore Smoker."_

A sharp, ironclad interjection from Cross interrupted the Marine's accusation.

" _In the history of the SBS, the only time I have ever lied was when I said that the golden bell on Sky Island was lost, and_ that _was to prevent a_ second _genocide over its possession,"_ Cross replied venomously, before slumping and heaving a dejected sigh, his expression downcast. " _No… no, as much as I hate to admit it, Sengoku's signature was indeed on at least a third of those pages, with Kong's, the Elder Stars', and any of the Admirals' on the rest. Granted, the pages Sengoku approved were relatively more acceptable than the examples I listed, but…"_ The snail shook its head in defeat. " _Well, by their very nature, nothing CP9 did was ever pretty."_

Tashigi knocked the back of her skull against the wall, groaning as she ground her fist into her forehead. "Damn it…" she bit out. "I feel like _such_ a—!"

" _But!"_ Cross hastily interjected, his demeanor swiftly reversing itself. " _That being said, I still have faith that Sengoku_ isn't _corrupt."_

The Marines stared at Cross's proxy in confusion.

"But…" Tashigi started hesitantly. "I thought you said—?"

" _If you'll recall my words at the time, anybody in Sengoku's position would have no other option but to make some tough, ultimately morally compromising choices. We all knew it, the only reason we're actually taking issue with them is because I aired them all,"_ Cross explained. " _Put it this way, all I did was reveal he's human. Chances are that he isn't beyond hope. If all else fails, I know one secret that could change his mind, but I'm not going to be able to use it anytime remotely soon."_

Smoker narrowed his eyes accusingly. "Cross, any other time, I'd put up with your cryptic BS. But after the hell of a day we've had, which _you've_ caused, I'm not willing to take your word for it without details. Spill. Now."

Silence reigned for a moment, until Cross sighed. " _Alright, it's… innocuous enough… just don't go spreading it around, alright? Mention one name in all of this to the wrong person and you are_ beyond _screwed."_

"We won't," Smoker snorted.

" _Well, alright, then, where to start… remember awhile back, when I said that Vergo had beaten a mole within the Donquixote Pirates within an inch of his life?"_ He didn't wait for an answer. " _That mole was Donquixote Rocinante, Doflamingo's biological younger brother… and he was pretty much Sengoku's adopted son."_

The silence in the room was _deafening_ as the Marines gaped at the snail.

"…you're serious," Tashigi flatly stated.

" _As a bullet,"_ Cross confirmed. " _It's a long and… seriously messed up story, but the end message is that Rocinante died at his brother's hand, protecting a boy he himself had adopted, which Sengoku doesn't know, and that nobody besides us here and Sengoku himself know of his relation to Rocinante. If nothing else, me even_ mentioning _his name should give him one hell of a pause."_

"…And what's Sengoku's unknown grandson doing now?" Smoker inquired.

" _Eh… that depends. You mentioned that a bunch of rookies recently went nuts, right? Do you know where the Heart Pirates were in it all?"_

Tashigi and Smoker exchanged shocked looks before the former thumbed through her notebook. "Uh… they… teamed up with the Bonney Pirates and invaded base G-76. It seems that besides looting the place from top to bottom, they paralyzed the Marines positioned there and used them for a… game of… Jenga…" she said, green creeping onto her face.

"… _Well, then, I guess Law just spent the day playing Jenga."_

Tashigi's strangled squawk was mirrored by Nami's.

" _Oh, we are not even getting_ close _to that psycho."_

" _Trust me, this is tame by his standards,"_ Cross reassured. " _And just to be clear here… we're getting_ allied _with him."_

" _Of course we are!"_ Merry cheered eagerly. " _In this kind of situation, the only options are alliance or destruction!"_

" _ **Or getting chopped into a thousand pieces while staying perfectly alive and unharmed,"**_ came a cool female voice that caused Tashigi's old wounds to throb.

" _Mimicking Robin's voice does_ not _give you carte blanche to be creepy!"_ Nami snapped irritably.

" _EH?_ THE HELL ARE YOU **talking about, I DIDN'T SAY—!"**

" _MOVING ON!"_ Cross barked hastily with a somewhat panicked expression. " _What's the next question here… AH! Right, what are you guys' current marching orders?"_

Smoker glanced at Tashigi in puzzlement, and the only response she could muster was a confused shrug, so for the sake of the last frayed threads of his sanity he decided to ignore whatever the hell that was. "My ship is currently en route to the G-54 base. Most of the surrounding bases have either mutinied or been attacked, so they're sending me to handle anything that comes up while they send a higher-ranking officer from HQ as a permanent replacement. It'll be a short assignment."

"As for everyone else," Tashigi continued. "T-Bone's been summoned back to Marineford for an after-action report, though the scars he's gotten should speak louder than anything he has to say, which is a good thing. Jonathan, as you can expect, is holding down his fort and mainly keeping the gates open as a makeshift rest stop for any Marines near them. And finally, Hina is currently heading for the Twin Capes to start cutting down on the number of psychos that our Blue bases are reporting headed for Reverse Mountain."

" _Perfect!"_ Cross said happily. " _If Hina's heading that way anyway with her full fleet, she can handle what I was going to ask; do me a favor and pass along a request to her that she either swing by Little Garden herself or that she send… eh, two battleships? One if her ships are big enough."_

Tashigi frowned in confusion. "Officially, Little Garden is a prehistoric wildlife preserve and unofficially it's a death sentence to all who land there without an Eternal Pose. Why would she need to go there?"

Cross donned his usual shit-eating grin with immense eagerness. " _Ooooh, no reason, it's just that for the past century, Little Garden has_ also _been the arena for Blue Ogre Dorry and Red Ogre Broggy's honor duel, and they need a lift to Water 7 so that they can rendezvous with their crew."_

Tashigi's expression promptly fell flat. "Of course. Because why not," she droned, and started reaching for the snail. "Look, Cross, I've had a hell of a week and I just want to get some sleep, so if there isn't anything else—!"

" _Wait!"_

Tashigi froze mid-motion when Merry suddenly spoke up again.

" _Lieutenant Tashigi…"_ the young 'girl' started with uncharacteristic hesitation. " _I… look, I know a lot about my crew's past stunts and whatnot, but admittedly there are quite a few gaps in my knowledge, centered around when my crew was on shore. But from what I've pieced together… you saved Cross's life in Rainbase, right? When you took down Mr. 3?"_

"Ah…" Tashigi hedged slightly. "Yes, against my better judgment. Why?"

" _Well, in that case…"_ Merry adopted an angelic smile as she beamed at the Marine. " _I just wanted to thank you for saving my life, too, is all."_

Tashigi blinked slowly as her mind tried to process what she'd just heard, the words bouncing around in her skull without sticking. "…huh?" she finally managed to get out.

" _Well… yeah,"_ Merry nodded as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. " _I mean, after all, if you hadn't been there, then he would have died, and then I would have died. But because you saved him, he was able to save me. Which means… you saved me too. So…"_ She nodded again. " _Thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to live. For letting me fulfill my dreams. I… I owe you everything, Tashigi, just as much as I owe Cross, and I'll always be grateful for this chance you've given me. Just… thank you."_

Tashigi's jaw worked itself silently, but she eventually clenched her mouth shut. "…Permission to excuse myself for a moment, sir?" she whispered softly.

Smoker didn't even hesitate to jerk his thumb at the door. "Go on and get the hell out of here, Marine."

The swordswoman was out of the room before he was even finished. The smoke-man waited a few seconds after the door swung shut before turning back to the snail. "That was a load of bull and you know it."

Merry's smile took on an apologetic tinge. " _Yeah, I know, but can you honestly tell me that even mattered a little bit, and that she_ didn't _need to hear that?"_

Smoker was silent for a second, and in that silence he listened to the light, hiccupping sobbing wafting through the crack in the door.

The corners of his mouth turned upwards. "…no. No, I can't," he admitted quietly.

After a minute or so, the noise died down and Tashigi re-entered the room, furtively swiping at eyes that were pointedly _not_ red or puffy.

"T-Thank you very much for informing me of that, Merry," she said, a small smile on her face.

" _Thank_ you," the girl-ship chirped virtuously.

" _Heh. Glad to have you back, Lieutenant,"_ Cross nodded happily. " _Anyway, while I have you, I did have one more question before we wrap this up: do you two have any idea why Akainu and Kizaru weren't at Enies Lobby? I expected Sengoku to throw everything at us, and while Kizaru could be expected to duck out from sheer laziness, I wouldn't expect Akainu to miss us burning Enies down for the world."_

The two Marines exchanged glances of perfect understanding, but before Tashigi could say a word, Smoker snapped a finger up and silenced her. "You seriously lucked out with Kizaru," he grunted. "A training accident sent him flying into the Red Line when he tried to use his abilities to reach you. He'll be recovering from it for a few days."

The lieutenant stared at him in confusion before the commodore drew the word 'ego' in the air with his smoke, prompting her to pale and nod vigorously.

" _What? How the heck did that work? I mean, I know the general mechanics of the Glint-Glint Fruit as a Logia, but how did he—"_

"Mirrors," Tashigi deadpanned.

"… _How did I not think of that sooner? Nami, if we end up meeting Kizaru, be ready to throw up a mirage; play it right, and he could end up on the other side of the world."_

" _I will_ absolutely _remember that,"_ Nami promised fervently.

" _Damn ri—eh? Hey, you two alright?"_

"F-Fine, Cross!" Tashigi wheezed as she recovered from a rather ragged coughing fit. "A-Anyway, I'll let Rooster fill you in on the details himself, but suffice to say that where his actions were concerned, they were _more_ than enough to warrant Akainu going after him personally. He avoided him by sailing into the Calm Belt, but then Boa Hancock of the Seven Warlords was sent after him. Capricorn confirmed that he's still alive and free, but…" She shrugged helplessly. "We're not sure of the finer details."

Cross slowly blinked in shock. "… _Huh. That's… unexpected, to say the least. No clue how the hell he'd outrun her in the Calm Belt… I will definitely have to ask him about that. Easy money says that it'll be one_ hell _of a story."_

"I'm inclined to agree in this case, Cross," Smoker grunted in agreement. "But we'll be learning it for ourselves soon enough. This call was just a status report so that we could touch base with you before we get into our assignments. Like I said, it should be short, no longer than a couple of days, but we'll be out of touch in that time."

"But once that's done, we'll have the opportunity to get in contact with you in earnest," Tashigi promised, "Get ready Cross, because this will almost certainly be the most important meeting of MI6 to date."

" _Sounds good to me,"_ Cross nodded solemnly. " _I'll arrange matters with our own allies and when the time co—!"_ The pirate trailed off, stiffening in shock. " _Wait a second, did you just say MI-_ 6!?"

Tashigi blinked as she realized the cause for Cross's confusion, and she _made_ to answer before an impish smirk slowly spread across her face.

"You know what, Cross?" she simpered sweetly. "I think that this time, _I'll_ leave _you_ with the unanswered questions. Buh-bye!"

" _What are you—!? Nononono_ WAI— _KA-LICK!"_

Tashigi hung the snail up before the pirate could get another word in and started howling with laughter a moment later.

"Ohohohoooooh, that was _fun!"_ she cackled as she shot her fist in the air. "Woo, I am feeling utterly pumped!" She spun on her heel and snapped a salute at Smoker. "Permission to go on deck and practice my flying slashes on the cloud, sir?"

Smoker cocked his eyebrow at her before waving his hand dismissively. "Get out of here, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, _sir!"_ And with that the swordswoman shot out of the room with a whoop of glee.

After a moment, Smoker left the room as well, heading for his quarters. ' _I guess the rumors really are true,'_ he reflected silently, the corners of his lips turning upwards ever so slightly yet again. ' _There's just no end to the Straw Hats' capabilities.'_

**-o-**

I blinked slowly as I processed what the hell had just happened before leaning back on the bed I was sitting on with a weary sigh. "Damn. Beaten at my own game. And by her, of all people! Could this—aaand I'm stopping _right_ there," I declared in a suddenly cheerful tone as I shot to my feet. "Because I have no desire to suffer! Well, if you'll excuse me—!"

I made to stride out of the house, and was promptly halted by a hand clamping down on my shoulder and the barometric pressure in the room nose-diving so fast that my breath caught in my throat.

"Did you _honestly_ think I'd forget about this much money?" Nami asked in an honestly insulted tone.

" **WERE YOU SERIOUSLY LEAVING ME TO** _ **HER MERCY!?"**_ Soundbite howled indignantly.

"…every sapient for himself?" I whimpered pitifully through the tears cascading down my face. "And honestly, I was hopeful that what with how rich we are, and the fact that I'm responsible for it, the two events would even one another out?"

There was a moment of tense silence as Nami thought it over before the storm looming over us dissipated and she patted my shoulder with a chuckle. "Alright, Cross, alright, I'll foot the bill out of our coffers. Given how much we have, even with what we'll be paying Franky once Sodom and Gomorrah are ready to set out, it's really not that much in the long run."

I heaved a sigh of relief and I was _about_ to thank her when she patted my shoulder again and walked past me.

"I'll just do _one_ thing once all's said and done," she stated, popping a single finger to go along with the announcement.

For some reason, I couldn't help but feel a stab of existential dread. "And… that would be?"

Nami turned on her heel, and proceeded to smile the most innocent and yet utterly evil smile I'd ever seen in my entire life.

" _I'll put it all on your tab."_

The last thing I heard as everything went black was Merry howling with laughter.

**-o-**

I woke up a short while later to a recently returned Chopper's smelling salts, and after hasty assurances that I wouldn't be having a (entirely warranted, in my opinion) panic attack, he set about checking on our still-healing crewmates while Merry observed the also-returned Sanji's experiments with eager glee. Credit where it was due, in spite of the utterly inedible ingredients he'd been forced to procure, the presentation and even the smell almost made _me_ want to try it.

…Yeah, Luffy'd be stealing it at least once, no doubt about it. I'd have to keep my Vision Dial handy, because there was no way in hell I was missing the _one_ chance I might get to immortalize either Luffy blowing chunks or Chopper pumping his stomach.

Anyway, once I was back on my feet—and after I dealt with the existential crisis of not having any money ever again in the foreseeable future—I got to work on the next item on my inordinately packed agenda: that is to say, contacting our other allies.

I had no delusions; the next time I spoke to MI6, I'd be telling them everything there was to tell about me, so it would be best to bring everyone in on it so that I wouldn't have to tell it again. It _should_ have been a straightforward endeavor, really: get in, tell them to be on the lookout for a conference call with _all_ of our allies in the next few days, move on with my life. Simple, no?

But of course, I was a Straw Hat, so simple things were rarely even close to easy for me. As such, both occurrences found me surprised with the developments that ensued. The first of these surprises came about when I came in contact with Foxy first…

**-o-**

"Oh? So, we're finally going to find out exactly how you know so much? Well, I'm certainly looking forward to _that,"_ Foxy grinned eagerly. "But if I may, I'd like to make a recommendation for another addition to the little Zodiac of the Damned we've been setting up."

" _Zodiac of the—? Huh… that's actually a pretty good name, I think I'll steal it. Anyway, you_ are _our recruiter, so I'll consider whoever you have in mind. Ah, who would that be, exactly?"_

"Oh, I think you might know him." Foxy smirked as he waved the person at his side forward. "Care to speak up?"

"Apapapa! You know I never don't! Heyo, Cross, bet you weren't expecting on hearing from me so soon, eh?"

" _The hell—!? A-Apoo? You—but—he—how—?"_

"Oh, how I _love_ being able to make him speechless," Foxy chuckled as he cradled his chin in a semi-cool stance.

"I think that's a universally shared opinion, it _is_ pretty amusing," Apoo snickered as he mirrored the other captain's pose.

" _Mergrgr… how much does he know, exactly?"_ Cross managed at last.

Foxy's charisma shattered fantastically as a heavy sweatdrop dripped from his brow. "He… figured out that I was Luffy's subordinate pretty early on, the same time _I_ figured out that you and he were friends rather than rivals," he awkwardly admitted. "I haven't told him much beyond the fact that you and I share a sizeable number of contacts, but he was willing to keep my secret, and I figured that since you two are on good terms anyway, why not?"

The snail fell silent, and slowly looked at the soon-to-be Supernova. " _Apoo, I'm willing to trust you with this, but as your friend, I have to warn you: this is going to be both a massive undertaking and a perilous one. We're talking about more than just sharing contacts; if you get in on this, then you're in for the long haul. If that's fine with you—"_

"Causing more trouble on the magnitude of what you and your crewmates have been pulling off over the course of your entire career?" Apoo snickered and shook his head. "Sign me up for this haul, it sounds like fun."

"… _Well, Vivi certainly hit the nail on the head about your tribe, didn't she? Alright, then, you had your warning. We'll decide on your code name at the main meeting."_

"I can only imagine that half of them will be _thrilled_ to count you among our number," Foxy chuckled as he wrung his hands eagerly.

_That_ brought the Long-Arm up short, prompting him to blink in confusion. "Wait, _how_ many others are part of this?" he asked curiously.

" _Weeeeell, for starters,"_ Cross grinned eagerly. " _I myself go by Ophiuchus. Foxy's code name is Goat. We also have one by the name of Rooster, who I'll be calling after this, and I've recently recruited one other crew who we'll be introing to this endeavor and giving their codename at the same time as you. Besides that, we've got six officers in the Navy going by the Western Zodiac: Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio, and Sagittarius. I know there's one more, but because they've decided to screw with me, I know neither that officer's identity nor the codename they've elected to go by."_

Cross's mouth twisted into a smirk. " _Though going by my crew's luck, I have my suspicions for the former._ And _of course, aside from Pisces and possibly the newest officer, all of them have their own respective subordinates and crews that are also part of this."_

"…Impressive," Apoo breathed as his eyes widened in shock. "Well. _Definitely_ count me in now."

" _Alright. Fair warning, though: once you've found out my secret, there's going to be no chance of turning back, and trust me, this particular rabbit hole goes_ way _deeper than our previous arrangement. Foxy, I'll leave the general explaining to you, I need to let Rooster know about this."_

"Very well. Goat out." And with that Foxy pressed his finger into the snail's speaker cradle.

Apoo cocked his eyebrow at the trickster Captain. "So… how deep _does_ this rabbit hole go, exactly?"

"Feh feh feh feh," Foxy chuckled grimly, shaking his head as he strolled over to the door of the cabin and cracked it open. "Hamburg! A full cask of our finest rum, on the double!" He then turned a weary smile on his suddenly nervous compatriot. "We're gonna need to get hammered for this."

**-o-**

After that particular surprise, I then moved on to Bartolomeo, hoping for a _relatively_ saner conversation.

But of course…

**-o-**

" _Puru puru puru puru—KA-LICK!"_

"Rooster."

" _Ophiuchus, and allow me leap straight to the point!"_ Cross barked. " _If Pisces is to be even_ remotely _believed, then I'm having a hard time choosing where the hell to start. So you tell me, who would you prefer to explain first, huh? The freaking Admiral or the freaking Warlord!?"_

"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo cackled. "Eh, let's start with the Mad Dog! Not much of a story there, ta be honest! All I did was punch out a Celestial Dra—"

_**BAM!**_ _CRASH!_

"I'll keep saying it until you get it right, you shark-toothed bastard!" Gin snarled at his captain as he worked to yank his head out of the wall his first mate had punched it into. " _I_ knocked him out! Why can't you just be satisfied with personally taunting the Five Elder Stars?!"

Bartolomeo yanked his head out of the woodwork and rounded on his subordinate with a scowl of his own. "Go choke on a cannonball, deadeye!" he bit out, flashing a sizeable middle finger with his barriers before turning back to the snail. "But anyway, yeah, not that big a deal. I just wanted to help you guys out, draw some heat off a' you, ya know? I'm sure you woulda done the same for me!"

Cross gaped silently at him for a second before chuckling softly, his mouth set in a wry grin. " _Yeaaah, you're not wrong there, Barty. Credit where it's due, though, I knew you had big brass ones before, but this…"_ The pirate nodded gratefully. " _Thanks, Bartolomeo. That took guts. You're a hell of a pirate and a damn good friend."_

There was a moment of silence, during which the Transponder Snail grimaced uncomfortably.

" _He's paralyzed from sheer joy, isn't he?"_

Mr. 5, Gin and Miss Goldenweek shook their heads in silent denial.

" _Huh… dancing a jig a little ways away?"_

More head-shaking.

"…" The snail's expression fell as flat as a board. " _He's bowing and worshipping before a shrine of what few bounty posters we have?"_

"I'd love to call you conceited, Cross…" Mr. 5 drawled, before kneading the bridge of his nose with a groan. "But all of those _are_ typical things he does. In this case, however…" The ex-bounty hunter cocked an eyebrow as he watched Apis idly pop bubbles coming from their captain's mouth. "He's fainted from sheer euphoria and _foaming_."

The snail sighed. " _Ooof course he is. Well, that won't do, will it? Time for a wake-up call."_

The assembled crewmates stiffened fearfully before scrambling for the snail—!

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

—and reeling back in agony when it belted out an ear-rendingly loud honk before they could stop it.

"GYAGH!" Bartolomeo yelped, clutching his ears as he shot up.

" _I love this thing,"_ Cross snickered.

"WE KNOW!" the top brass of the Barto Club _and_ Soundbite roared.

" _Oh, good, Barty's awake. Get your head in the game, man, we're not done yet. And for the record?"_ Cross grimaced uncomfortably. " _The hero-worship is starting to get a_ little _bit creepy, so if you could curb your enthusiasm even a bit…?"_

"That's about as likely as Crocodile allying with your captain, you damn all-luck magnet," Miss Valentine groused from the corner of the room she was slumped in. "Just let it go, it could be worse."

" _Right, then, who vetoed the Luffy figurehead?"_

_That_ got shocked looks from everyone.

"How the hell did you know _that?"_ Gin demanded.

" _Pfheheheh,"_ Cross chuckled grimly. " _Trust me, you guys are lucky. Any other day I'd bullshit you all, but in all honesty, Barty'll be learning the truth soon enough at a not-so-little get-together I've got planned in a few days' time. But that's in the future. For now, we still have the matter of Boa 'World's Most Beautiful_ and _Second-Deadliest Woman' Hancock. I don't know how the hell you guys are navigating the Calm Belt, but considering how_ she _can do it with ease, how did you manage to avoid her?"_

"Who said they avoided us?"

The snail's eyestalks snapped to attention as the sumo-like Kuja Pirate who'd remained silent until then chose to speak up.

"… _Going by the voice, the sheer authority and the relative age, I'm guessing…"_ the snail's eyestalks swiveled around in order to cock inquisitively. " _Boa Marigold, youngest of the three Gorgon Sisters?"_

"As impressive as ever, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold replied evenly. "In case you were curious about my presence here, suffice to say that your words have had a significant impact on my oldest sister; we've become quite the fans of your SBS, and when we learned that Bartolomeo was not only a mutual fan but also allied with you, Hancock elected to falsify a report of failure while I remained here to await your inevitable contact. We were _very_ interested in speaking with you."

Cross blinked in surprise before beaming triumphantly. " _Hancock actually likes my show? That's great! I suspected she'd either be keeping an ear open for my work or banning it wholesale because of my gender. Lemme guess, Nyon didn't stop blaring it in the palace until she finally gave up?"_

Marigold smirked momentarily before frowning. "As… amusing as that would have been, no. Suffice to say that one of your… earlier broadcasts caught our attention, and we've been listening intently ever since."

The expression on the snail snapped from smug to solemn so suddenly that the serpent-sumo stiffened. Cross had proven himself to be well-informed, but was it possible that he could know—?

" _This might not be my place,"_ Cross said, snapping her out of her thoughts. " _And even wholly insensitive and maybe even more than a bit frightening, but I feel like I must offer what condolences I can. What you went through…"_ The pirate shook his head morosely. " _The fact that any of you are functioning at all is a miracle. I can't even begin to apologize on behalf of… hell, pretty much the entire human race for the sins you were unjustly forced to suffer."_

"…I am now acutely aware of two facts about you, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold stated in a thoroughly shaken voice. "There is no chance that you are allied with the World Government…"

_SMASH!_

The Barto Club Pirates staggered back in shock when Boa Marigold suddenly snapped into her hybrid form and encircled the terrified Transponder Snail, baring her fangs mere inches from its face.

"And there is nothing that I can be utterly certain that you do not know," she snarled. " _Regardless of how IMPOSSIBLE IT SHOULD BE FOR YOU TO KNOW IT!"_

In spite of its shivering, the snail's eyestalks remained steady and firm, before slowly bowing sadly. "… _For whatever it's worth, I haven't told anyone else. Not even Soundbite knows the details."_

" **Speaking of Soundbite!"** The snail's eyes then snapped up with an indignant glare. " _ **Drop the fangs, would ya!? THIS SHIT IS**_ **MURDER ON MY MOUTH!"**

Silence fell for the longest seconds of the Barto Club's lives as they looked between the shivering snail and the haunted expression of one of the most fearsome pirates on the seas. Then, at last, the King Cobra hybrid shrank down to her normal (though admittedly still very tall) size.

"My apologies," she said quietly.

" _Same to you,"_ Cross shook his head regretfully. " _I shouldn't have brought up your past like that, it was an impulsive move and…"_ He shook his head again. " _Anyway, in what is simultaneously a desperate bid to change the subject and a return to business, may I offer you an invitation to the get-together I mentioned earlier, Boa Marigold? I assure you, you'll find our discussions to be quite… pertinent."_

Marigold froze, taking a moment to process the implications, before shaking her head with a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we can't truly support your crew—"

"— _for fear of the World Government revoking Hancock's title and making Amazon Lily fair game, right,"_ Cross finished with a grimace. " _Yeah, that_ would _be a concern, wouldn't it?"_

"Does that even matter?" Bartolomeo spoke up with honest confusion. "I mean, anonymity is what the whole code name system is _for_ , right?"

"That's its intention, yes, but it's not infallible," Miss Goldenweek shrugged dismissively. "While everyone involved in this… undertaking, for lack of a better word, are all at risk should their identities be compromised, Hancock's status means that the threat to her is aggravated. She's already taking a monumental risk by letting us go."

"Amazon Lily…" Miss Valentine mused as she eyed Marigold. "Going by the name and the composition of your crew, that's a literal name, right? Only women, nobody else?" She shrugged with a sigh when Marigold nodded in confirmation. "Well, there you have it. Without the immunity the Pirate Empress's position offers, chances are that the World Nobles would get the Marines to rip the entire island apart so that they could split the…" She shivered in disgust. " _Spoils_ between themselves. And last time I checked, we don't _have_ the manpower or resources to prevent that."

" _Not yet we don't, anyway…"_ Cross practically snarled.

Another pause as that sunk in. Then Marigold spoke once more.

"I _will_ consent to at least _attending_ the meeting, so that my sisters and I can have a bead on the situation. But I make _no_ promises beyond that," she said firmly.

" _I don't ask for any beyond one,"_ Cross assured her. " _Keep everything you hear at the meeting a secret. You can tell your sisters and Elder Nyon if they want to know, obviously, but nobody else. If this gets out, heads won't roll because there won't_ be _any heads left."_

The warrior nodded firmly. "I expected nothing less."

" _Right then. Well, I think that covers everything I needed to…"_ Cross trailed off as a thought apparently occurred to him, before a smile slowly slid across his face. " _Actually, one more recommendation, Marigold, which I'd pass it on to Hancock when you have the time: try out the floating restaurant called Takoyaki 8. Consider it as much a recommendation from me… as it is from her fellow Warlord, the Knight of the Sea Jinbe."_

Marigold's eyes widened, and a tentative smile spread across her face as well. "I see. I'll take your recommendation under consideration, Jeremiah Cross. Good luck to you and yours."

" _Same to you, Boa Marigold. See ya 'round, Barty!_ KA-LICK!"

Once the snail fell back asleep, the good cheer hung around for a second before the atmosphere plummeted into uncomfortable silence.

"Sooo…" Bartolomeo coughed as he side-eyed Marigold. "What the heck do we do until that big call he was talkin' about happens?"

There was another silence, until Apis held up a deck of cards.

"Anybody up for a game of strip poker?" she beamed innocently. Then she paused in confusion as everyone stared at her in utter shock, looking at Miss Goldenweek in askance. "Did I do that wrong? I said it how you told me to."

"Nope," Miss Goldenweek smirked _ever_ so slightly as she bit into a rice cracker. "You did that exactly right."

**-o-**

And all of that brought me to the present, the afternoon on the second day following Enies Lobby, where everything seemed to be going fine, with everyone sans Zoro, Vivi, Robin and the Dugongs trickling back into the backup headquarters and nothing outside of the crew's normal circumstances going on. Heck, even _I_ was finding the time to relax.

And then in walked Kokoro and her family, with Yokozuna moving to the window after trying to force his way in through the door.

Yeah… as it turned out, the day was only getting started.

**-o-**

"Well! It's great to see you all back on your feet again! Honestly now, sleeping for a full day? You had us all worried there! Buuut then again, I guess that after what you all went through, that's only natural!" Kokoro smirked as she caught sight of all the food on a nearby table getting sucked away at a breakneck pace. "It's _also_ good to see that the king to be is back on his feet!"

"Ooooh, I wouldn't quite say that…" I muttered as I turned the page on the book I was reading, keeping an eye on Soundbite's snoring shell all the while.

"Eh?" Kokoro blinked at me in confusion. "The heck do ya mean? He's clearly moving!"

"Take a look at his face, Granny," Lassoo yawned languidly.

"What are ya…" Kokoro slowly trailed off as she processed the clear and present _nose-bubble_ Luffy was snoring out. "…He's _asleep?"_

"Luffy learned how after Alabasta because he never wanted to miss that many meals after a fight again," Sanji sighed in defeat as he placed yet another platter of food in the rubber-man's reach. "Credit where it's due, at least it's keeping him busy."

" _And it's actually aiding in Luffy's recovery as well…"_ Chopper mused from his own bed, where he was splitting his attention between a number of papers arrayed before him that he was alternating between writing on and poring over. " _After all, he's ingesting a good amount of nutrients for his body that his metabolism is putting to good use, all while getting the rest he needs. It's certainly better than merely strapping him down and waiting, which would undoubtedly result in a longer resting period."_

Kokoro stared warily at Chopper before sending me a nervous, and I responded with a helpless shrug. "He hasn't actually _done_ anything yet other than work, so…"

Chimney, meanwhile, had ambled up to Chopper and was looking at his papers with wide-eyed eagerness. "Whatcha workin' on, Mister Reindeer?"

" _ **I'm—**_ argh, wait a second…" Chopper leaned back from the papers, groaning as he rubbed his eyes. "Four minutes, thirty-six seconds. Marginal, but progress is progress. Anyway, to answer your question…" The human-Zoan waved his hoof over the papers. "Over the course of my fight with Kumadori, I managed to pump him for information on the biofeedback he was utilizing. Now, granted, there are some…" He spun his hoof helplessly as he tried to come up with the words. " _Translation errors_ , due to the excessive usage of metaphors and whatnot used to describe it, but I still managed to get some valuable information, which I transcribed, interpreted, and am now extrapolating upon using my own research."

"Oooooh…" Chimney nodded slowly. "So, why ya doin' it?"

"Because," Chopper grinned eagerly as he leaned forward, a glimmer appearing in his eyes, yes, but this one was _entirely_ natural and healthy. "I think I'm approaching a breakthrough. Using what I have and what's been given to me, I truly believe that I can compose a treatise that extrapolates upon methods through which Zoan-users like myself can _deliberately_ manipulate the… polymorphic… nature of…" The human-reindeer slowly trailed off before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't understand even a _word_ of what I'm talking about, do you?"

"No, no, I do, I do!" Chimney smiled and nodded eagerly. "You're doing mystery research, right?"

_THUNK!_

"Not another one…" the reindeer moaned as he repeatedly thunked his forehead against his bed's backboard.

Chimney blinked in confusion before hiding her giggle behind her hands. "Mister Reindeer is funny!"

"Yeah, he'sh a real funny guy!" Gonbe snickered in agreement.

Kokoro looked just a tad befuddled at the interplay between the two relative youngsters before sweeping her attention over the rest of the room. "And what about the rest of— _gack!"_ The station mistress flinched back in shock when her gaze alighted upon Nami, who was slumped over on a table and sulking morosely, the air around her dark and gloomy. Literally, on account of the rain cloud that was hanging above her and drizzling its contents all over her. "What's _her_ problem?!"

"Oh, no problem…" she sighed listlessly as she drew circles on the wood with her finger. "I've simply come to the realization that life isn't worth living, that's all. I'm just waiting for the world to… waste away."

"Ah…" Kokoro hesitated, grasping for something to say.

"There, there…" Conis sighed as she leaned over from where she and Usopp were tinkering on the same table, an umbrella over their heads, to rub Nami's back before shooting a grimace at Kokoro. "She's been like this for awhile now."

"Ah, I see…" Kokoro nodded in understanding. "I guess it must just be sinking in how big her bounty's gonna be, huh?"

Nami let out a pitiful moan at that.

"Nooot quite," Usopp muttered, not looking up from the shotgun he was scrutinizing.

"Eh?"

"See, to be more specific?" Su smirked as she peaked over Conis' shoulder. "She's been like this ever since Sodom and Gomorrah took Franky out for St. Poplar."

Nami moaned again, even louder.

Kokoro was silent for a bit before a massive sweatdrop hung from her head. "Waaaait a second… are you telling me she's like this because—!?"

"He took my mone-e-eeeey…" our navigator wept miserably. "Sooo much mone-e-eeeey…"

Kokoro stared at her for a moment longer before breaking out cackling. "Nagagagaga! I've lived on the Grand Line my entire life, and you guys _still_ manage to surprise me, every hour on the hour! Forget warning you guys about the Florian Triangle, somebody should warn the Triangle about _you!"_

"Personally, I'd still like to hear whatever warnings you can offer, Granny Kokoro."

"Welcawm back, Vivi!" Carue waved from his bed.

"Oh, hey!" I glanced up over my book as I heard the door open. "Did the shipping go— _woah!"_ I reeled back in shock at what I saw.

As expected, Vivi and Robin had just returned, safe and sound, and as I'd suspected, Robin was bearing the brunt of the load, both on a variety of arms and by literally having the rest walk along behind her. That was all perfectly normal.

What _wasn't_ expected, however, was the sight of Robin using one of her arms to hold what appeared to be a cut of raw salmon over her eye.

"The heck's with you?" I queried incredulously. "Did fish become the new black when I wasn't looking?"

" _I'll alert_ **MILAN…"** Soundbite muttered in his sleep.

"No, fashion hasn't become _quite_ that eccentric yet," Robin chuckled sardonically before drawing the fish away, revealing a _very_ impressive black eye. "It's just that salmon serves as an acceptable substitute when a rib-eye isn't immediately available."

"Robin-chwan!" Sanji cried in horror, sprinting over and hastily relieving her of her burdens. "What happened!? Who did this to you!? _**I'LL FRY THEM INTO BRISKET!"**_ He capped the rant off by all but bursting into flames.

"Ooooh, I wouldn't worry about that," Vivi huffed darkly as she crossed her arms and glared at our archaeologist. "Honestly? I'd say that she deserved it!"

"Eh?" Sanji stared at the princess in shock. "What makes you say that, milady?"

"Her personal point of view, if I had to guess," Robin chuckled, sounding more amused than anything.

There was a moment of silence as we all processed both that statement and the way Vivi was looking everywhere _but_ at Robin with a distinctly blushing face, and then…

"EEEEEH!?" Sanji reeled in shock, his jaw all but crashing to the ground.

"Oh, my…" Conis gasped demurely.

"Tseeheehee! Woo, you go, girl!" Su cheered. "Princesses gone wild!"

Lassoo cracked his eye open with a snort. "Why the hell's everyone so surprised? We all knew that this was gonna happen sooner or later."

"Maybe so," I conceded with a nod. "But still, this is a _bit_ out of the blue! The heck brought this on?"

Apparently _that_ was too much for Vivi, going by how her eye twitched and she rounded on Robin, stabbing an accusing finger at her. "You want to know why I did it!?" she snarled. "Easy! _Somebody_ thought that it would be hilarious to give me a heart attack by up and _ditching me in the middle of a crowded street without warning!"_

There was yet another resounding silence before I cast a flat look at Robin. "Seriously?" I deadpanned only semi-incredulously.

Robin chuckled unapologetically as she returned the salmon to her eye. "I decided to try and cultivate my sense of humor. Is that so wrong?"

"I would suggest you start from scratch with a new one," Vivi bit out acridly. "Because this one's _rotten."_ She then turned around made to walk back to her designated bed before freezing as she caught sight of Nami's continued sulking. She stared for a long second before directing a long-suffering look at me. "Dare I even ask?"

"Eh," I grunted, waving my hand side-to-side. "A bit of it is dread over her bounty, but for the most part? Post-partum depression from the loss of her beloved hoard."

"I was fine when it was for Merry's sake…" Nami sobbed miserably. "But now… 500 Million, just _gone…"_

Vivi stared at her again before pinching her nose with a sigh. "It's well past noon and it's _still_ too early for this shit. Cross, would you—?" She cut herself off with a shake of her head. " **Get me a drink, please."**

I huffed in aggravation as I shut my book and got up from my bed. "Come on, princess," I berated her as I walked over to the fridge and withdrew a spare bottle of Cola. "You've been with us for _months_ now, you should know how to do this for yourself. Or at least!" I twisted the cap off the bottle as I snapped my finger up. "Get your 'knight in shining armor' to do it for you, seeing as he loves it so much. But me?" I shook my head as I handed the bottle off to her. "I'm not doing it. At least try and learn to be a _little_ independent, you know?"

Vivi smiled beatifically as she accepted the bottle from me. "Thank you, Cross, I'll take your words into consideration."

I nodded in satisfaction. At least, until she actually started drinking, at which point the whole situation and everyone's snickering registered with me. I glanced down at my hand incredulously before returning my wide-eyed look to Vivi. "Son of a _bitch!"_ I barked, which got everyone _actually_ laughing. "Will you stop _doing_ that!? That got old after the third bout of rhyming this morning!"

"What can I say?" Vivi shrugged innocently. "Practice makes perfect!"

"And I can attest to the fact that she's had practice," Robin concurred with a smirk as she indicated her eye. "How else do you think she actually managed to land a hit on me?"

"Freaking Jedi mind trick bullshittery…" I grumbled out as I stomped back to my bed.

"Ah, that's better," Vivi sighed in satisfaction as she set down the bottle, eyeing our despondent navigator. "And now for her…" She sidled up to her and gently laid her hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Nami? I realize that you're really sad, but maybe you could try looking on the bright side of things?"

"What bright side…" Nami mumbled noncommittally.

"Weeell," Vivi drew the word out slowly. "I was personally thinking of our new carrying capacity? After all, besides the fact that the gold is going to our new ship, our new _home_ , it's also going to be a much _bigger_ ship. Meaning that the next time we come across something like that pillar on Skypiea—"

Nami's head immediately spun around to look at me with wide, watery eyes, of the type seen on puppies, cats, and little children trying to get a flamethrower for Christmas. "Will we come across something like that, Cross?" she whispered in awe.

I surreptitiously glanced away as my last request to Wiper shot through my mind. "There is a… decent chance of it?" I hedged in a neutral enough tone.

"Which means," Vivi picked back up. "That when we come into that much gold—!"

"WE'RE GONNA BE LOADED!"

" _GAH!"_ Vivi yelped in panic when she suddenly found herself being pirouetted around the room by an ecstatically exuberant Nami.

"We're gonna be rich rich _rich_ , richer than rich, the richiest of _aaaaaall~!"_ Nami sang as she spun Vivi alongside her, dancing to and fro as she dragged Vivi through an impromptu ballet number.

"Wow, a picture perfect underarm turn," Usopp muttered blandly as we observed the spectacle.

_That_ got a cocked eyebrow from Lassoo. "How the heck would you of all people know what that looks like?"

"Has someone got a ladyfriend waiting for them back home?" Su teased, prompting Usopp to flush and shove himself back into his work.

Meanwhile, Nami finished up with a final chorus of " _Siiilver and gold, siiilver and gold, silver and gold gold_ GOLD!", upon which she finally tossed Vivi out into a final spin before devolving into Beri-eyed non-stop murmuring about being rich.

The princess, for her part, seemed like she had swallowed her weight in booze if the spirals her eyes had become and the way she was staggering around was anything to go by.

"Nooo, Daddy, I don't wanna learn ballet, Kohza would never let me hear the end of it," she slurred.

"But Miss Wednesday, we've already arranged Mr. 2 to teach you," Robin objected, visibly fighting laughter.

"Ugrgrr, tell him he can have Mr. 8, he likes crossdress— **hold still."**

Credit where it was due, Robin managed to sidestep Vivi's dizzied punch before it could slam into her nose, but the coolness of her act was swiftly ruined by her body locking up mid-motion, causing her to overbalance and faceplant. Aaand that was my breaking point.

"Pffhahahahaha!" I plopped back on my bed as I clutched my gut from laughing. "Ohohoh _man!_ I just don't see how this day could get _any_ better! Pfhahah—!"

"Ah, 'scuse me…" Yokozuna waved his arm through the window in an effort to get our attention. "I just have a question I would like to ask. I thought Merry was supposed to be staying with you, yes? Is she not in there with you?"

"—hahah— _erk!"_ I choked myself off as I realized just what was coming.

_SLAM!_

"WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY!"

"Uh-oh," muttered most everyone in the room as a very familiar and very angry girl-ship limped into the room on her crutches, a storm of furious emotions swirling around her petite form.

That served to shake Vivi out of the rest of her dizziness, and she shot a concerned look Merry's way. "Wha—!? Merry, what's wrong!?"

The question caused Merry to freeze in her tracks. "What's… wrong?" she whispered slowly.

Once again, most of us flinched at the reaction.

"Heyah we go again…" Carue groaned miserably as he tensed in anticipation.

"What's wrong!? What's _WRONG?!"_ the transmogrified caravel howled as she rounded on Vivi and flailed one of her crutches in her face. "EVERYTHING IS WRONG! I'm a rock in water, a cripple on land, and _useless_ all around! I ate that fruit so that I wouldn't die, but instead all I've managed to do is land myself in my own personal _hell!"_

Vivi blinked in shock, too taken aback to react properly. "Ah—?"

Not even waiting for an answer, Merry swung her crutch out as she continued ranting. "What's the point of me being able to stay with you all if I can't even _do_ anything? I wanted to go with you all on adventures, not lag behind and end up having to be protected from whatever happens! This isn't life! This isn't _living!_ Why me, why me, why _meee…"_ Merry trailed off into incoherent muttering and ranting as she started pacing back and forth in place.

Robin took the opportunity to get back to her feet and slide up close to me. "Care to explain?" she muttered.

"We managed to get Merry walking properly a few hours ago," Sanji leaned over and whispered back. "But right around then, I think the true weight of her transition finally hit her."

"Personally, I'm sure she'd be able to handle it relatively fine under normal circumstances," I hissed. "But if I had to guess, I'd say that the emotional instability of her prepubescent body isn't meshing well with the stress. Simply put, her stress and emotions have been periodically bursting out into wild tantrums like this one!"

"I see…" Robin mused as she tracked Merry as she shuffled about. "So, she rants and rages for a bit and then she calms down?"

I winced and shook my head grimly. "Noooot quite. See, during these episodes? Merry's been cycling through a little psychological phenomenon you might be familiar with known as the Five Stages of Grief. First there's Denial—"

"This can't be happening to me," Merry muttered fervently as she paced back and forth in place. "This isn't happening, not to me, not to _me!_ I'm a good ship, I'm a good person, I refuse to believe it, I-I _refuse!"_

"Second is Anger."

"This is fucking bullshit! RAAAAGH!" Merry suddenly howled in outrage. " _THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, DAMN IT ALL! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING_ LIVE! _IS THAT SERIOUSLY_ SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR!?"

"Third is Bargaining."

"Ple-e-ease!" Merry flopped herself onto the nearest bed and started weeping almost comical streams of tears. "I'll do anything you want! I swear, I'll feed the homeless, I'll be nice to kids, I'll clean up my act wholesale, just fi-i-ix _meeeee!"_

"Fourth is Depression."

" _WAAAAAAAAAH!"_

"And finally, Accept— _GRK!"_ I was cut off by a pair of hands suddenly grabbing my collar and yanking me down so that I was face-to-face with a thoroughly incensed tyke.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU RAGING BASTARD!" she spat murderously. " _YOU DID THIS TO ME!"_

"Though sometimes," Su snickered from behind her paw. "She also cycles right back around to anger!"

"Get! Her! Off!" I gagged fearfully.

"R-Right!" Conis yelped frantically, hastily darting forward and grabbing Merry off of me. "Merry, I'm so sorry about how things are right now, but please calm down! You're—!"

"CALM THIS!" _THWACK!_

"— _GUGH!"_ Conis wheezed as a flailing heel swung into her gut and knocked the wind out of her, only just managing to keep her hold on the girl-ship. "Owowow… could someone help me please!?"

" _Hm…"_ Chopper hummed thoughtfully without looking up from his work. " _A sharp decrease in oxygen intake could serve to stabilize her mood."_

Conis snapped her gaze up to Chopper with an offended gasp. "I am _not_ putting Merry in a chokehold— _GYEEP!"_ She stiffened abruptly when the caravel suddenly sank her teeth into her forearm and started gnawing. "…No matter how tempted I might be," she finished through gritted teeth.

Chopper slowly looked over the paper he was holding in order to grace the angel with a flat look. " _Or you could simply make use of a paper bag,"_ he droned.

The gunner had the good graces to blush in embarrassment. "Ah…"

"Here, allow me," Robin offered as she crossed her arms.

A secondary pair of arms grew from Conis' shoulders and made to grab at Merry's head, prompting Merry to snap her jaws at them, only for a _tertiary_ pair that had hidden themselves behind Conis' back to whip out and cover Merry's mouth with a paper bag before she could react.

Merry kept struggling and fighting in the grip of our angel for a bit, but eventually her flailing subsided as the rate at which the bag was inflating and constricting slowed down. Once she stilled herself, Robin removed the bag, and Conis relaxed her grip as she looked down at her.

"Better?" she asked.

"Hah… hoo… yeah… I-I'm good, I'm good," Merry nodded wearily, prompting Conis to smile and drop her to the floor. "Sorry about doing that… again." She hung her head apologetically as she scratched the back of her skull. "I'm still shaken up is all, not thinking straight. But, ah… I-I think I'm fine now, really! I'm pretty sure I got most of it out of me, and I don't think it should happen again!"

Merry then adopted an eager grin as she started limping towards the door as fast as her crutches could carry her. "I'm just gonna go and take a dip to cool off and—!"

" _NO!"_ we all roared as one, Usopp even going so far as to Shave behind her, grab her hood and dig his heels into the woodwork.

"But—!" she started to protest.

" _NO!"_

"Dumbass!" Su concurred laughing.

Robin cocked an eyebrow at the display before slowly leaning towards me. "Just how many times has she—?"

"Five…" I ground out. "In the past _three_ hours."

"I just wanna swiiiim…" Merry wept childishly.

"Ah… actually, now that I think about it…" Usopp mused as he scratched his chin thoughtfully, then reached into his bag. "I might have an idea."

"REALLY!?" Merry squealed ecstatically, stars shining in her eyes.

"Wait for it…" Nami muttered under her breath.

"You can swim—"

"THANK YOU, USOPP! I LOVE YOU I LOVE Y—"

Usopp removed an inflatable ring with a _very_ familiar sheep's head bobbing on the front. "As long as you wear this."

Merry froze so fast that I swear I heard the air shatter around us.

Unfortunately for him, however, our sniper didn't notice Merry's reaction and instead smiled eagerly. "Well, what do you think? Did I get the face right?"

"And in three, two, one…" I counted down beneath my breath.

"What do I _think!?"_

_THWACK!_

" _YEOW!"_

"Lift off, we have lift off."

"I THINK I WOULDN'T USE THAT THING IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!" Merry snapped, chasing Usopp around the room as she wailed on him with her crutches.

"And the humor is back," I snickered amidst everyone either laughing quietly or all-out howling with laughter.

And so the routine went on…

" _FWEEEET!"_

"GAH!"

"YEOW!"

"SONNUVA BITCH!"

Until a shrill-as-all-hell ear-piercing whistle caused us all to flinch and whip our hands to our ears. Except for Luffy, of course, who kept eating obliviously on without missing a beat.

"What the _hell—?!"_ Lassoo bit out painfully as he rubbed his ears.

" _Glad to see_ _ **you're all having fun…"**_

"Eh?" I blinked in surprise before turning my attention to my bed table, where a familiar pair of eyestalks had poked out of their shell. "Oh, hey, Soundbite."

"HEY YOURSELF," he scowled as he slid from his shell and swept his eyestalks over us. " **Sorry to break up the mood,** _ **I love seeing LONGNOSE GET HIS ASS BEAT**_ _AS MUCH AS THE_ **NEXT GUY—!"**

"Chug a salt shaker!" Usopp cursed acridly as he hopped around on his less injured foot.

"—BUT UNFORTUNATELY, _FUN TIME IS OVER."_ Soundbite snapped his gaze to a wall. " **Look alive, boys and girls;** _we've got company, and they're flying_ _ **gull, white and blue."**_

Suffice to say that the mood died after that little proclamation, and was instead swiftly replaced by the occupants of the room scrambling for their weapons and/or to get into battle positions with a combination of panic and desperation.

"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I shouted.

All movement froze, and I took the opportunity to snatch up Soundbite and hold him in my palm. "Is there a guy with kukri knives near the front?"

Soundbite's expression fell flat. "I'M GOOD, _**not psychic, DINGUS."**_

I winced as I realized that he had a point. "Fair enough, let's try that again. Is there a guy near the front who seems outwardly calm, inwardly excited?"

"NOW THAT _is feasible._ _ **Uno momento, por favor."**_ He concentrated for only a second before blinking in surprise. " _Uh…_ **huh, yeah, he… is?** _ **WAIT, WHY DOES HE SOUND—?"**_

"Good," I nodded firmly, pacing over to the table where I'd left my effects. "I know _just_ what to do about this, then."

Everyone watched in anticipation as I donned my greaves and arranged my gauntlets on top of the table, as well as my transceiver… and then I grinned eagerly as I withdrew my transceiver's mic and started counting down in my head. "Time for another broadcast!"

_WHAM!_

The group face-fault was _very_ satisfying.

" _Crooooooss…"_ Sanji ground out slowly as he started to climb to his feet, the air starting to shimmer from sheer heat around him.

"Are you _already_ going back on your promise?" Usopp demanded.

"Hey, what can I say?" I shrugged casually, even as I approached what I judged to be a good distance from the wall Soundbite had indicated. "I consider this to fall in the 'harmless' category, especially when you take into account that not only is there no malice in this little incursion, but I've got the _perfect_ shield up and ready in case he decides to get impolite!"

"Huh?" Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean by—?"

"Hell- _oooo_ people of the world!" I cut Vivi off once my countdown hit zero and I approximated that I had enough viewers. "It's been far too long and I'm _ever_ so glad to be back on the air after recovering from the freaking hellish ordeal my friends and I just went through! I'm Jeremiah Cross, and with me as always is my partner in crime—"

"THAT WOULD BE _**ME,**_ **SOUNDBITE!"**

"Here to bring you another marvelous edition of—"

"The SBS, starting now!" Lassoo woofed, his tongue lolling out as he panted eagerly. "I think I see why Soundbite does that now! That shtick is _fun!"_

I cast a glare at the mutt that was more amused than annoyed. "And for once, ladies and gentlemen, I have no time to be angry at being interrupted—"

" _SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!"_

"—because today we have a special guest joining us here on the SBS!" I spun my arms before pointing both fingers at the appropriate wall. "All the way from Marine Headquarters, he uses mountains as sandbags, he almost had us at Enies, and he's the bane of pirates everywhere!"

Vivi paled in horror as the Beri dropped for her. "Oh, dear sweet Anubis, no," she breathed in horror.

"Don't tell me…" Sanji whimpered at almost the same time as his cigarette dropped from his mouth.

"He's also renowned as the rival of the King, the blunter of the Don, and the second of the Buddha!" I continued emphatically.

Everyone else swiftly paled as well as they realized _who_ I was describing, and they fearfully backed away from the wall as a result.

Robin in particular was having a unique reaction, apparently caught between bowel-dropping terror, fond exasperation, and more than a little bit of amusement. "Honestly," she chuckled even as she kept a white-knuckled grip on her hat. "I just don't know _what_ I was expecting."

"Pirates and Marines the world over," I wound up for the grand finale, keeping a close eye on Soundbite for the appropriate timing cues. "Please put your hands together foooor…"

_SMASH!_

I shut my eye in an instinctual flinch as the wall imploded, showering us all with dust and debris, before stabbing my finger at the figure visible through the dust. "Gaaaaaarp the Herooooo _ooooh what the fuck are you wearing!?"_ I hastily swapped my words around as I _actually_ managed to catch sight of Garp and, to reiterate, _what the fuck he was wearing._

To clarify, 'what the fuck he was wearing' consisted of the following items: a Hawaiian floral-print shirt, decorated with palm trees, waves, and bikini-clad tiki dancers. Solid blue board shorts that I was thanking my lucky stars was _not_ a speedo. A battered straw hat that looked like it had been sitting in a closet under a pile of _other_ crap for twenty years. The _tackiest_ pair of black aviator sunglasses I had ever seen. Straw _fucking_ sandals! And to slap a bow on the whole thing, he even had a stripe of white sunblock on his nose _right_ above his shit-eating grin!

Speaking as a native Floridian, I could say with complete and utter certainty that Vice-Admiral Monkey D. Garp looked like the absolute tackiest, most _stereotypical_ beach tourist I had ever seen in my _life_.

And just to rub it in, he was _not_ a unique case. Behind Garp, just barely visible through the settling dust, I could see a distinctly uncomfortable Coby and Helmeppo dressed in almost exactly the same style, the 'almost' coming from Helmeppo keeping his… actually admittedly cool shades. And then of course behind _them_ was an entire _battalion_ of Marines in variations on the _exact same outfit_ , still in tight _parade formation_ with their rifles on their shoulders!

Hell, even Garp's second in command, ah… damn it, what was his name… bah, you know, the cool-looking motherfucker with the fedora? Even he was midway to the look, because while he was still wearing his officer's jacket and fedora, beneath it he _also_ had on a floral-print shirt _and_ the fedora he was wearing was made out of straw!

Now, honestly, shocking as this all was, I'd like to think I could have handled it all in stride… until Garp raised _a coconut shell with a straw and a slice of lime sticking out of it_ to his mouth, nay, his _smirk_ , so that he could take a sip, at which point I decided that I'd had _enough._

"Vice Admiral Garp…" I started slowly as I tried to kickstart my brain back into gear. "Why in the name of _hell-if-I-know_ are you dressed like you're on _oh shitbiscuits you're on vacation, aren't you?"_ I finished in a rush as realization hit me like the Puffing Tom.

Robin blinked in confusion at my statement before shaking her head in exasperation. "Cross, I know that your guesses are usually accurate to an almost uncanny degree, but even by your standards that is just—!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Garp cut her off when he threw his head back and roared with laughter. "Yup, Jonny-boy definitely has the right of it: for every bit that you're stupid insane, you're also stupid smart, Cross!" He puffed his chest out as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Of course I'm on vacation! Because if I weren't, how else would I be able to visit my adorable grandson while you're around without the rest of the World Government getting on my ass for not doing my job, hm?"

I blinked in surprise as I followed that logic before nodding in acknowledgement. "That's… actually pretty damn smart. The get-up is way tacky, but fair enough."

"BWAHAHA!" Garp jutted his chin out with a bark. "High praise, coming from you!"

Robin's eyes twitched as she slowly looked between the two of us before taking off her hat. "One moment, please."

_THWACK!_

She then shoved her hat back on as the arm that had dope-slapped her dissolved. "Carry on."

Her reaction wasn't the only incredulous one amongst the crew.

"…I don't know what I was expecting… but this is decidedly _not_ it," Vivi managed through her dropped jaw.

"Ditto…" Carue quacked numbly.

"How exactly is _anyone_ supposed to react to something like this?" Chopper asked with honest curiosity.

"Personally, I'm wondering about what we should be more concerned about: him being here, that there's a Marine as crazy as him, or Cross _not_ expecting this?" Su swallowed fearfully. "We're in uncharted waters now…"

Conis started to nod in agreement before freezing as she realized something. "Wait… did he just say that he's here… to visit his _grandson?"_

_That_ brought the rest of my crewmates up short, several of them repeating the word in shock. "'Grandson'!?"

Soundbite's eyes shot wide as he was struck dead-on by realization. "OOOH…"

Garp's grin widened as he slowly stepped into the room. "Yup, that's exactly right. My grandson is on your crew, and I'm here to pay him a long-overdue visit. And now that I'm here, it's time for said grandson…" Garp's grin widened as he drew his fist back.

_**SMASH!** _

"OOOOW!"

"TO STOP STUFFING HIS FACE AND WAKE THE HELL UP!"

And delivered an absolutely _devastating_ haymaker to Luffy, punching him clean through the table and causing our newly awakened captain to roll on the floor in agony.

"OWOWOWOOOOOW!" Luffy cried as he clutched his forehead. "IT HURTS IT HURTS IT _HUUURTS!"_

" **Heeheehee** _hoohoohooHAHAHA!_ **I SEE THE** _ **RESEMBLANCE!"**_ Soundbite cackled eagerly.

"I know, right?" I muttered with a shudder. Reading about it was one thing, but actually _seeing_ the legitimately strongest person I knew get taken down with a single punch?

I hid my grin behind my gauntlet. This… This was going to be _so much fun._

As usual, my crewmates didn't _quite_ agree with my sentiments.

"AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL!?" Usopp shrieked in terror. "T-T-THAT ACTUALLY HURT LUFFY!?"

"But I thought that Luffy was supposed to be _immune_ to blunt force trauma!" Nami cursed as she gripped her staff, her Eisen Tempo curling defensively around her.

" _ **I know!"**_ Chopper squealed in a dementedly eager tone. " _ **Isn't it iiiinteres—!"**_

_THWACK!_

"OW!… thanks Conis."

"You're welcome, though…" Conis swallowed heavily as she gripped the rifle she was clutching. "I wonder if I shouldn't have let you stay that way."

"Could it be—?" Vivi whipped her hand to her mouth with a gasp of realization.

Noticing Garp starting to puff himself up, I hastily snapped my fingers and pointed at him. "And your next line is," I grinned eagerly as I reconfirmed _exactly_ what I'd read so long ago. "'There's no defense against a Fist of Love.'"

"There's no defense against a Fist of Love," Garp unintentionally echoed before he actually processed what I'd said. Then he blinked and glanced at me as I crossed my arms behind my head, a grin stretching my face.

"Oooohh, I've been hurting for an opportunity to pull that bit off for _so long_ ," I sighed blissfully.

" _You only_ _ **wish**_ **you could be** _AS GOOD AS_ **JOSEPH!"** Soundbite chortled. "BUT THAT WAS A _**GOOD TRY NONETHELESS!"**_

"Tsk," Garp raised his arms in a shrug as he shook his head in defeat. "Said it before, I'll say it again: crazy little—!"

"GYAAAAGH!" Garp was cut off by Luffy screaming in terror as he actually caught sight of him and started pointing a shaking finger at the object of his fear. "G-G-G-G—!"

The Vice Admiral was swift to regain his composure as he responded with a smirk, taking hold of his shades and drawing himself up to his full height. "Awww, what's wrong, Luffy?" he asked as he thumbed his glasses onto his forehead, allowing him to smile at Luffy in full. "Didn't you miss your beloved old Grandpa?"

" _GRANDPA!?"_ everyone else squawked in shock.

For my part, I chose to hide an ear-to-ear grin behind my fist. "If I had to guess, I'd say he'd hoped you'd fossilized by now," I muttered under my breath.

"Cocky little shit say what?"

I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

_THWACK!_

I came to about two minutes later, when someone grabbed the back of my collar and yanked me out of the… floorboards? Yes, it appears I'd been punched through the floorboards. Well _shit._

"Hold still," muttered a voice that I recognized as Chopper's, and I registered a hoof reaching towards my face.

"Eh? What are you—?"

My question was rudely interrupted by our doctor grabbing something in front of my face and _yankingohsonofa—!_

"—FUCK!" I howled, jerking up as I clutched my face. "What the blue blazes was _that_ for?!"

"Splinter," Chopper deadpanned as he held up a solid _inch_ of wood. I stiffened in shock as I processed what I was seeing, and I gingerly raised my finger to poke at a small puncture wound _six_ millimeters from my left eye.

"Meep."

"Wow, he really _is_ fragile," I heard Garp mutter.

My eye twitched slightly at the comment before I shook my head with a groan and pushed myself into a sitting position. "Ugh… how much did I miss?"

"Oh, nothing much," Robin hummed as she slid up next to me and plopped my hat back on my head. "He hit Luffy a few more times, bemoaned him not being a Marine, explained the balance of the Three Great Powers, the Four Emperors, elaborated that Luffy's hat came from _Red-Haired Shanks…_ " She cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "Any particular reason why you elected to _not_ share that tidbit?"

"Too much fun, never came up, he was going to tell you anyways. Pick a number and toss a die," I groused sourly as I poked at the lump growing from my skull. Christ on a pikestaff, that bastard hit like a freight train! Probably literally! "Eurgh… well at least I didn't miss any of the _fun_ parts. But… if that's all he's said, then… shouldn't Zoro be back by now?"

Of course, that was _precisely_ when the sounds of an all-out _brawl_ erupted from the back of the horde of Marines Garp had brought with him.

" **Damn,"** Soundbite whistled in awe. " _Even concussed,_ YOU'VE GOT THAT _**down to a science!"**_

"Mad skills, brah," I deadpanned as I flashed a shaka symbol. In all honesty, I was more focused on observing the two quote-unquote 'rookies' Garp had brought with him. I _really_ wanted to see what these two were capable of.

"Hm? Ah, right, your swordsman. Your… first mate, isn't he?" Garp grinned as he looked over his shoulder at this men getting plowed down. "Good timing, I was just looking for somebody I could use as a test. Hey, you two."

The Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer snapped to attention. "Sir!"

"Chances are you're gonna lose and badly, but even so…" He flashed them a winning smile as he popped a thumbs-up. "At least try and last two seconds, alright? One second each!"

And _that_ caused the Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer to slump in despair. "Yes, sir…"

Still, credit where it was due, in spite of their reluctance the pair didn't even hesitate to face Zoro when he became visible in the crowd and charge him as one.

_CR-CR-CR-CRACK!_

However, for all that their valor was well and good, they only made it about halfway when they were forced to come to a screeching halt as a rain of bullets broke up the ground a few inches in front of them.

Before they could react further, Coby's hand shot up, snatching the handle of a kunai with the point two inches from his forehead and then seamlessly flowing into a series of blocks that deflected the rest. Helmeppo, meanwhile, had drawn his kukri and was using them to only _just_ hold off what appeared to be a _buzzsaw_ the size of his torso with a red cable leading out of it and off to _somewhere_ that was grinding into his blades with abandon.

Zoro stopped as well, observing the clash for a moment before glaring to the side. "Care to explain why you're stealing _my_ fight?"

"You seem to be forgetting, first mate."

Boss blinked into visibility in front of Zoro as he came out of his Sha— _Rip Current_ , and moments later three of his four students appeared out of nowhere to flank him as well; Mikey spun his pistols as he reloaded them, Donny held a trio of kunai between the 'fingers' of one flipper while the other held his staff across his shoulders, and Raphey jerked back on the end of the red cable she was holding, withdrawing the disc of death that was assaulting Helmeppo and catching it, revealing it to be a massive shuriken almost as large as her that she sheathed on her back.

"Our position on this crew," Boss snorted as he tapped off the ashes on the end of his cigarette. "Is as the ship's guards. End of the day, we are the very _bottom_ of the pecking order. If the enemy can't get past us? Then they're just not worth your trouble."

Coby and Helmeppo glanced at one another with uncertainty for a moment, but they swiftly fell into battle-ready positions…

"Please, try it."

Before stiffening as Leo poked his swords into the smalls of their backs.

"No, really, I'm serious," Leo goaded them eagerly. "I am _honestly curious_ about how you two _actually_ think you can beat us, and I've been itching for a nice and curbstompy fight for a while now. So, if you could do me a favor and give me a reason to kick your asses? I would be _most_ appreciative."

The Chief Petty Officers visibly hesitated…

"BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Before snapping their heads around to look back at their teacher as he started laughing.

"HAHAHA… eheh… heh…" Garp trailed off into chuckles as he wiped his eyes. "Ahhhh… good stuff, that. Yeah, sorry you two, but if you actually value your hides, you had better _not_ fight."

"V-Vice Admiral?!" they asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I'm with them; mind running that by us again?" Mikey asked with a cock of his head. "You mean to tell us that you're _actually_ smart enough to know when to fold them?"

Garp grinned darkly in response. "Not like I actually have much choice, you know? These brats are good and all, sure…" his grin widened as he directed his gaze at Boss. "But they haven't been around _nearly_ long enough to have a hope of taking on the second generation of apprentices to come from the strongest Dugong in the New World, much less the sole member of the first generation himself."

A single second of silence followed those words before Boss's cigar _snapped_ between his 'fingers', though going by the way he was blankly staring at Garp, I don't think he honestly even _noticed._

"You… know my master?" Boss finally managed to breathe.

"BWAHAHA!" Garp barked as he scratched his finger beneath his nose. "Know him? I take a day off to have a scrap with him at _least_ three times a year, and each time is as good as the last! Though, eh…" he glanced away with a scowl. "The fact that the damn bastard doesn't tend to hang around in any one place for that long makes tracking him down time and time again a damn nightmare."

Boss blinked slowly at the statement before slowly turning to look towards the horizon. "…knew the old bastard was still alive. I damn well _knew it…"_ he muttered quietly.

"Ah… hang on, Boss' master?" Usopp asked in interest. "Who are we talking about here?"

"Sifu Dugong," Raphey breathed in awe. "We'll tell you the details later, but for now, suffice to say he's the strongest dugong in our species' history!"

"Last rumor I heard?" Mikey piped up. "He can kill a Sea King with one punch!"

"Now _that's_ a bold-faced lie!" Garp sniffed indignantly… before popping up a trio of fingers. "Last time I saw that old bag of bones, he was strong enough to take down _three_ Sea Kings at once, easy. If you're going to spread rumors, at least make sure they're accurate."

There was a resounding silence in response to _that_ proclamation, during which Coby and Helmeppo exchanged a frantic look, following which…

"PLEASE SPARE MY WORTHLESS LIFE!"

"Hahaha! Wow, Luffy! It looks like you've really gathered an incredible crew!"

One of them collapsed to their knees begging for their life, while the other scratched behind his head as he laughed happily.

Three guesses on who did and said what.

"Huh? Why're you talking about me like you know me? Although… you do look sort of familiar…" Luffy frowned and bowed his head in what I had no doubt was _intense_ thought. And then, to the utter shock of all, he snapped his head up with a gasp as he pounded his fist in his palm. "Wait, now I remember who you are!"

"Eh?" I blinked in shock before leaning forwards in curiosity, more than a few of the onlookers joining me. Was… Was this really happening? Had our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, one of the densest people in existence, actually managed to grow a brain!?

The rubber-man in question pointed at the eager pink-haired Marine with a triumphant grin. "You're Natsu Dragneel."

_WHAM!_

Yeeeaaah, _no._

Of course, Garp, Coby, and Helmeppo all face-faulted, as would be the natural reaction. But me? I actually felt my skull _bleeding_ from how hard I hit my head, and going by the sound of grinding enamel coming from my shoulder I wasn't alone.

However, I only maintained that position for a moment before unholy _RAGE_ flooded my mind and I forced myself to my feet so that Soundbite and I could vent our frustration. A process I started off by bringing my fist down on my Captain's head as hard as I could.

Of course, once he started twitching and trying to pull his head out of the floorboards, indicating that he was still alive (which was fortunate _and_ unfortunate in equal measure) we decided to vent vocally rather than physically.

" _ **RIGHT**_ _Genre,_ **WRONG** UNIVERSE _, MORON!"_ Soundbite howled viciously.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR STUPIDITY _LITERALLY_ TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE?!" I roared with all that my lungs were capable of.

"Uh, heh, I wouldn't be too surprised if it did," Coby chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he righted himself and crouched before my struggling captain. "But, ah, still… Luffy, it's me, Coby. You know, from the East Blue?"

"EH!?" Luffy barked as he wrenched his head from the floor with a single jerk, blinking at the Marine in question in awe. "Wimpy Coby!? No way! The last time I saw Coby, he was—!"

I tuned out the conversation as I turned on my heel and walked back into the house, massaging my flaming temples as I tried to calm myself down. Honestly, most of the time Luffy's stupidity was hilarious, really, it was, but _that!?_ There are _limits,_ damn it all! _Standards!_

I was drawn from my blackened thoughts by a slight tugging on my pants leg, a glance downwards revealing it to be none other than Raphey smirking up at me.

"Idiocy isn't quite so funny when it's concentrated like that, is it now?" she taunted.

I ground my teeth as I reigned in my temper before finally snorting out a heavy breath. "No," I growled. "No, it is not. Usually, it's funny. Breaking the laws of reality? That's something else entirely. In small doses it's fine, but concentrated like that…" I cast a meaningful glance to the side. "How do you deal with it?"

Raphey followed my gaze and promptly adopted a grimace. "Well, I'll admit it's not easy…"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO LOOKING AT ME WHEN YOU SAY THAT?!" Mikey cried indignantly. "I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS HIM, NUH-UH, NO WAY IN HELL, THAT'S JUST NOT—!"

_CRACK!_

"— _owie…"_ he whimpered into the wall his face had been buried in.

"But as you can see," Raphey chuckled as she blew the smoke off her flipper. "I handle it pretty handily, thank you very much."

I contemplated that for a moment before electing to shift the discussion with as subtle a cough as I could manage. "So! A… what, 'fuuma' shuriken, I think it was, and kunai, huh? I guess you've all got long range covered now."

"Meh, more like mid-ranged, but I'm not complaining," Raphey grinned as she unslung her wheel of death and started spinning it around a flipper as though it _couldn't_ decapitate someone with ease. "This beast's a monster to handle, but the training I've had with Vivi gives me a good idea on how to work chain weaponry. Anybody tries anything up close, they get the sai, and if they try anything from far off?" She halted her spinning and jabbed one of the shuriken's blades dead ahead with a smirk. "They get _this_ baby!"

"Unfortunately, not all of us are being as lucky…" Donny groused as he examined his staff. "I've found the kunai knife to be an agreeable weapon, true, but as it is I'm carrying them all around in my shell, and that's neither comfortable _nor_ practical." He glanced up at me with a cocked eyebrow. "I only hope my _memory_ is good enough that I can replicate whatever mechanism that Foxy Pirate used in her baton."

I pegged on to what he was implying easily enough and flashed him an 'a-ok' sign. "I'm _sure_ that you'll figure it out with time, don't worry."

"Hmph. Infidels."

"Eh?" I blinked at Leo in surprise, shocked to see him leaning against the wall with a scowl. "The heck are you talking about?"

"You heard me, didn't you?" Leo glared at me defiantly. "Come on. In case you haven't noticed, we're known as _Kung-Fu_ dugongs. Martial arts, armed or un-armed, is our specialty! We beat our enemies up close and personal, not from a distance like a dirty coward! There is no honor, no _glory_ in—!"

"Eh, don't pay him any mind," Mikey scoffed casually as he dug a 'finger' in the approximate location of his ear. "He's just salty because he hasn't figured out how to use those cool flying slashes Zoro uses yet, and he can't channel Typhoon Lash down them either, which he hasn't figured out yet, for that matter."

"NEITHER HAVE YOU AND NOT FOR A LACK OF TRYING, EITHER!" the katana-wielder exploded furiously. "AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMN IT! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PUT INTO MY SWORDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZORO _OR_ BOSS PUSHES ME, I CAN'T… make… them…"

He suddenly trailed off, slowly looking over his shoulder at his own swords, then at Zoro's, and then up at me. "Cross… is it even _possible_ to accomplish the flying slash with normal swords, or do they have to be _Legendary Swords,_ like Zoro's trio?"

I opened my mouth to respond, then frowned as I ran over the swordsmen that I knew had used flying slashes. "Come to think of it, I… don't think I've ever heard of any normal blades sending flying slashes without Devil Fruit enhancements? Though…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure that a world-class swordsman like Mihawk or someone could, but…"

Leo set his jaw tightly as he reached up to grip one of his katana's hilts. "In that case… there's just nothing for it, is there? These two have served me faithfully over the years, but if I'm going to hone my style any further…" He shook his head in defeat. "I officially need an upgrade."

I winced sympathetically at the poor dugong's plight, but before I could say anything on the matter, a familiar finger tapping me on my shoulder drew my attention away.

"Pardon the interruption, Cross," Robin said politely. "But if you don't mind, would you kindly elaborate on the relationship between Luffy, Zoro and those two?" She nodded her head at where the four in question (three, really, seeing as Helmeppo was sobbing pitifully over being forgotten) were talking. "I can only imagine that the tale surrounding them must be at least marginally fascinating."

I considered the question for a moment before shrugging, though before I said jack I made sure to cover my transceiver's mouthpiece. After all, it wouldn't do to go spreading around that Coby was an ex-pirate, however unwilling.

"Not that much of a story to tell. Coby was an unwilling cabin boy for the Alvida Pirates and Helmeppo was the spoiled brat of a corrupt-to-the-core Marine Captain in the East Blue."

Robin hid a chuckle behind her hand. "And then Luffy arrived and removed the both of them with his fists, I'm guessing?"

I smiled back in turn. "Yeah, that _is_ how must stories involving Luffy usually go, isn't it? Anyway, that was about seven months or so ago, when Luffy first set out. Awhile after that, the two were… let's say 'lucky' enough to catch Garp's attention and he decided to personally train them. And believe you me when I say that for all he's a devil he's also damn effective, because if you'd seen those two as they were then, you'd have a hard time recognizing them."

Nami took a moment to make sure my hand was still covering the mic before quietly asking, "So, if I had to guess, you're planning on—?"

"—eard you met your father in Loguetown."

Nami's question died in a choked gasp at the same time the blood evacuated my face. Damn it all, of _all_ the milestones to forget, I forget _this!?_

I suffered a minor panic attack as I considered _what the fuck to do._ I couldn't very well hang up, because if I did then Garp would be left hanging high and dry for why he didn't return to Marineford with us in tow, and for all that he could be a bastard at times I didn't want to see the old man suffer for visiting his grandson! And fat lot of good Gastro-Scramble would do with Soundbite all but guaranteed to flip out as much as everyone else! As for muffling the transceiver, while that was all well and good for quiet conversations, absolutely _nothing_ about what was about to happen was going to be quiet.

…Not remotely quiet. Why the hell didn't I think of that in the first place?

"Fair warning," I muttered absently as I slid my headphones on with one hand and started reaching for a very specific button with the other. "This is going to be _loud."_

Robin immediately clamped half a dozen hands over her ears, while everyone else blinked at me in confusion before stiffening in utter horror. Some _tried_ to make a move at me…

But too late.

"Your father's name is…"

**-o-**

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

' _Pros and cons of the SBS and its host,'_ the Most Wanted Man in the World idly mused as he dug a finger in his ear. ' _Pro: one of the greatest allies to the cause I've ever seen, and an incredibly inspiring individual besides. Con: he's giving me tinnitus.'_ Dragon weighed the options for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Hmm, a small price to pay."

His reaction was easily the most subdued among the command center, with everyone _else_ laid out flat and groaning as they clutched their ears.

And Cross, of course, was just chuckling.

" _I love this thing,_ so _much."_

"WE KNOW!" the nerve center of the Revolutionaries roared alongside the majority of the world.

However, not _all_ of the world was content to leave matters at that.

" _You little_ brat…" Garp growled venomously. " _Maybe I should show you my own brand of Love again and see if_ that _example manages to beat the stupid out of you, hm?!"_

Cross's eyes widened in terror for a moment before he hastily adopted a heavy scowl. " _Before you start that little demonstration of yours, may I remind you of the sheer magnitude of what you were about to say? If you'd think about it just a little, just a_ tiny _bit, I think you'd find that it's not a good idea to spill that secret to everyone who's here. Especially since, in case you've forgotten,_ the SBS is still running. _Do you really think that_ that's _something to blab to the whole freaking_ world?"

There was a brief moment of confusion, on account of the past minute of the SBS having been muffled, and then the crew's doctor, Chopper, posed an innocent question: " _Is Luffy's dad really_ that _big a deal?"_

While the control room burst into not-so-quiet mutters, the snail snorted and shook its head. " _The absolute biggest deal, Chopper. If you thought the Government wanted our heads now, you should see how badly they'll want them if_ this _little tidbit gets out. And not just them, either!"_

Dragon had to fight _very_ hard to keep from stiffening at those words, and even then he couldn't keep the shock off his face. ' _There's no doubt now, he knows. Not only that, but Garp was about to—!?'_ Dragon's expression promptly fell flat. ' _No, of course he was about to, that comes as no surprise whatsoever. But still…'_ The original Revolutionary observed the Transponder Snail with restrained wonder. ' _How could he possibly know that?'_

Meanwhile, the rest of the command room was equally active, if louder.

"Is Luffy's father that important a guy?" Koala asked her old comrade curiously.

Sabo could only reply with a numb shake of his head. "This is the first I've heard of Luffy having a dad at all. Not even _he_ knows who he is!"

The snail had adopted a surprised look for several seconds following Cross' question. Then, he grinned and chuckled. " _Bah, I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you know, eh? Especially after everything else you've blabbed about. Hell, it'd be weirder if you didn't! But… heh, yeah, I guess you're right."_

Dragon breathed a subtle sigh of relief at those words. For all that he allowed his son his independence, he did actually care for him, and he knew how much harder his journey would be if his heritage ever got out to the public.

As such, he thanked his lucky stars that for _once_ Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp had chosen to actually _use_ his brain.

" _After all,"_ Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp forged on with a solemn nod. " _It wouldn't be very smart to tell the whole world that Luffy's father is Monkey D. Dragon, the Revolutionary."_

The entirety of Baltigo… nay, the whole _world_ froze upon hearing those words.

And while everyone was frozen, Transponder Snails around the world twitched as they gaped in awe. "… _And yet, you tell them anyway,"_ Cross ground out in horrified incredulity.

There was a moment of silence before the snails blinked in realization and started chuckling sheepishly. " _Ah… yeah, guess I screwed up there, huh? Whoops, my bad."_

Within the command post of the Revolutionaries in the secret kingdom of Baltigo, Monkey D. Dragon the Revolutionary and Most Wanted Man in the World slapped a hand to his face with a groan. "God _damn it,_ Dad."

Apparently Cross was of the same opinion, if the way he suddenly set his jaw was anything to go by. "Y _ou there, with the hat. Could you do me a favor? Take this and whack him for me, would you? Trust me, his head'll break before it does."_

" _Well, I'll be glad to test_ that."

" _Eh?"_ Garp blinked in surprise. " _Wait, wha—?"_

_CLANG!_

" _YEOOOOW!"_

" _Well, I'll be, it works. What's it made of?"_

" **Common materials** _ **enhanced to perfection by a GODLIKE ENTI—**_ **WAGH!"**

" _Shut it, you little—GRK! Ah… b-believe me, t-they call Vegapunk all kinds of crazy things out in the East Blue. But for now…"_ Cross adopted a grim expression. " _Before anyone properly freaks out, I have a few words I'd like to share. They are as follows…"_

"Well, _this_ should be good," Dragon drawled sardonically.

" _Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself stupider than Monkey D. Luffy._ _How he is still breathing, let alone chemically viable, is a mystery that haunts scientists the world over. His very existence is a divide-by-zero paradox that should have, by all rational thought, destroyed the universe threefold by now. The Great Old Ones have resigned their posts as bringers of insanity, as he has now rendered them redundant. God is dead because he killed himself out of shame for ever having allowed—OWOWOW! Withdrawn, withdrawn! Urgh… whatever. Anyway, I could keep going on and on, but I know that it would never touch upon the true extent of his impossible existence."_

In spite of himself, Dragon smirked. _That_ was refreshing to hear.

" _Aaaand that's all I wanted to say. Please feel free to react in an appropriate manner and make my foghorn seem like birdsong by comparison."_

And so the world proceeded to do just that.

**-o-**

"STRAW HAT IS DRAGON'S SON!?"

Sodom and Gomorrah flinched as the force of their boss's shout caused their trailer to leap out of the water.

"THAT MAN ACTUALLY _HAD_ A SON?!" Kiwi loudly agreed.

"WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN THAT GARP 'THE HERO' IS _DRAGON'S FATHER?!"_ Mozu demanded.

" _THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE!"_ the trio finished as one.

[They're actually surprised by all of this?] Sodom asked his brother.

[Honestly, they _seriously_ should have seen something like this coming,] Gomorrah snorted in agreement.

**-o-**

"Oh, dear, I was afraid of this…" Bentham sighed heavily as he waved a towel over Ivankov's insensate (and massive) face. "As if the knowledge of Straw Hat being Garp's grandson weren't pressing enough, _this_ new development's sent our dear ruler over the edge." He glanced over his shoulder fretfully. "How're those 20ccs of cosmotini coming?"

"Hey, don't rush me!" the current bartender protested. "This is a very delicate and involved—!"

"Ivankov!" Inazuma cried out as she (at the moment) rushed into Newkama Land's central area. "We just found—eh?" She skidded to a halt and blinked at the scene before her in confusion. "What happened here?"

"Oh, a tragedy is what happened, an utter tragedy!" the newest citizen of the okama haven wept dramatically as he spun in place. "Our glorious queen among kings was overwhelmed by the news of Straw Hat being Dragon's son, and he—!"

"Is totally faking it so that he can get at some extra alcohol past his ration because he has complete and utter control over his body's hormones, and as such _literally_ cannot faint," Inazuma finished flatly.

"AHEM!" Ivankov coughed as he shot to his feet and snapped his fist to his mouth. "You, ah, wanted to tell me something, Inazuma?"

"OH, GREAT MIRACLE-WORKER IVANKOV, HOW COULD YOU!?" Bentham sobbed in betrayal.

The scissor-human cocked an eyebrow at the overly dramatic—even by Okama standards—display before grinning at Ivankov. "We were patrolling the floors when we found a guest. I am fairly certain that you will be _very_ interested in them."

Ivankov blinked in surprise before returning the smile. "Oh, _really?_ Do tell."

**-o-**

Meanwhile, back in Baltigo, the reaction that was being had to the announcement was perhaps the most… _unique_ of all.

"WOOHOO!" Koala shrieked joyously as she _literally_ danced around the control center, sweeping up anyone she could grab into a series of erratic spins and twirls. "I'M RICH! RICH RICH RICH _RIIIICH!"_

Dragon's eye twitched minutely as he watched the extra-species martial artist cavort about, casting a sidelong look at his Chief of Staff. "Dare I even ask?" he deadpanned.

"Ahhh…" Sabo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "She… may or may not have placed one or two bets that may or may not have just paid out a rather _substantial_ amount?"

"I'M GONNA TAKE A VACATION AND BUY A WEEK FROM HEAVEN IN PUCCI!" Koala whooped as she started moonwalking on a table, a bib securely fastened around her neck. "SO! MUCH! _LOBSTER!"_

"…You're donating half of your winnings to the cause," Dragon finally said.

"Doesn't matter, because I still have enough left~!" Koala sang cheerfully, not even missing a beat as she kept her dance routine going.

_That_ brought the Revolutionary up short. "She really won that much?"

"A… _lot_ of people were curious about you, chief. Sorry," Hack admitted.

Dragon blinked as he processed that before narrowing his eyes suspiciously. " _What_ were those bets on, exactly?"

Koala froze in place.

" _I'm-gonna-go-collect-my-winnings-and-pack-bye!"_

Before shooting out of the control room in a blur.

Sabo sighed as he observed the smoke trail his partner had left, slapping a hand to his face. "Simply put, she won the trifecta," he mumbled wearily. "That Luffy was your son, that you were Garp's son, and that, ah…" He glanced away with a sheepish blush. "That you're—?"

"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T COUNT!?"

_SMASH!_

The Revolutionaries jumped in shock when one of the control center's walls suddenly _imploded_ on account of one of their comrades being _thrown through it._ Said comrade only had a second to recover before he found his collar grabbed and he was dragged face-to-face with a _very_ irate martial artist.

"Get this through your sea-prism-stone-thick skull, you moron!" Koala bit out menacingly. "Sabo is Luffy's _brother._ Blood can go hang for all I care, that means that Dragon is _his_ dad too, meaning that _you_ damn well lost! Now pay up or I will _put you through the floor!"_

The Revolutionary was swift to dig out a wad of cash and toss it at Koala, which prompted her to drop him and start thumbing through the bundle with a contented smile.

"Pleasure doing business with you~!" she sang as she turned right back around and walked out the very hole she'd caused.

A heavy silence hung in the room until Sabo coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, look, sir—!"

"Sabo, Koala just collected her rightly won earnings that resulted from her good luck," Dragon interrupted him in a neutral tone. "Do you wish for her to give you the same treatment?"

"Ah…no, sir?" Sabo shook his head slowly.

"Then let's leave matters at that."

Sabo hesitated for a bare moment before snapping into a salute, a smile barely restrained. "Y-Yes, sir!"

Dragon nodded proudly before readopting his neutral expression and glancing to the side at the now-muttering Transponder Snail.

' _But still, all joking aside, this is the final straw. It's time that I arranged a meeting with Cross. A_ personal _meeting.'_

The Revolutionary started to turn and walk away…

" _Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"_

Before he and everyone else in the room _froze,_ Dragon in particular paralyzed by the sudden resurgence of a pounding in his skull that he hadn't felt in years.

' _Correction: I'll meet with Cross if he actually_ survives the day,' he groaned internally.

**-o-**

Everyone in my line of sight was doing their best imitation of a statue, save for the sweat coming down all of their brows. And for good reason, too: the only person _not_ utterly paralyzed with terror was the very cause of that terror himself. Suffice to say that Garp the Hero's expression was quickly darkening, and if the growl that was starting to rumble forth from his throat was anything to go by, that was only the tip of the iceberg.

It should be noted, however, that it was _only_ everyone I could see that was freezing up. Me myself? Weeeell… my adrenaline had just kicked into the biggest high I'd felt since the flight to the White Sea, so _naturally_ I had an ear-to-ear grin on my face. "Pffheehee _heeeeee…"_ I whispered euphorically.

"OH GOD, _I'm attached to a_ _ **suicidal idiot…"**_ Soundbite whimpered through his stricken smile and tears.

"You knew that going into the Grand Line and don't you dare pretend otherwise," I hissed back.

" **What…"**

My spine snapped ramrod straight when Garp's voice suddenly shook the air, and I was _acutely_ aware of him turning to loom over me even from halfway across the room. I shivered as he marched up to me and only seemed to grow _bigger still._ Sweet heck, if the man didn't actually have Haki, then he _damn well_ knew how to fake it!

" **The hell,"** the goliath before me snarled. " _ **DID YOU JUST SAY?"**_

"Uhh…" I hedged nervously, glancing around as I centered my thoughts. In the process, I just so happened to catch sight of Nami and Robin, who both had their arms crossed and were shaking their heads frantically.

Well, there was really only one thing I could do, seeing that.

"Weeellll…" I slowly drawled as a massive grin spread across my face.

Nami slapped a hand to her face, while Robin whipped out and started writing on a notepad that had the words 'The Death of Jeremiah Cross' scrawled on the top of the first page.

I cocked my eyebrow at _that_ particular development before refocusing my grin at Garp. "To answer your question," I continued in a nonchalant tone, even as enough energy for ten Shaves thrummed within me. "It's simple, really: he's leading a fight against a tyrannical force of oppression that's dominating the entire world, so what _else_ could he be? Honestly, now, you should be _proud_ of him. After all…" I grinned innocently as I crossed my arms behind the back of my head. "He _is_ doing the Marines' rightful job. Riiiight?"

Garp ground his teeth as he slowly and audibly cracked his knuckles. " **You have** _ **one chance**_ **to take that back."**

I snorted in response, spreading my arms wide invitingly. "Buddy, in case you've forgotten, I _enjoy_ the rush of adrenaline terror affords me. So, please, feel free to _do your damn worst."_

" _ **OH GOD I POO'D…"**_ Soundbite wheezed, his eyes blank from fear.

" **WISH GRANTED!"** Garp rumbled, drawing his fist back in preparation.

For a bare moment, I actually felt a sliver of doubt.

"M-Mistah Gawp?"

And then everyone froze again, only this time it was on account of a distinctly small, timid, and positively _heartwrenching_ voice. All attention turned towards the source—

…I thought I had long since grown immune to the whole 'puppy-dog-eyes' bit thanks to Soundbite utterly _ruining it_ within the first week of me knowing him, but Merry proceeded to prove me wrong. I mean, seriously! Small, adorable, _and_ on crutches, with massive watery eyes and a quivering lower lip? You'd have to be utterly lacking of a heart to not be affected, as evidenced by Garp visibly faltering.

"A-Awe you going to hurt my big bwother?" Merry whimpered sorrowfully.

"A-A-Ah, I-I, ah, t-t-that is to say…" the Vice Admiral hedged fretfully, glancing to and fro in search of a response.

"P-P-Pwease don't hurt Cwoss…" Merry hiccupped, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "H-H-He's one of my b-bestest fwiends in the whole wowld, a-a-and he saved my w-w-wife! _P-Pwease,_ d-don't…" She bowed her head as she started crying softly.

"W-Well, I-I, uh…" Garp flinched back.

"Vice Admiral, how could you!"

I managed—somehow!—to wrench my attention away from the scene in front of me to catch sight of Coby glaring daggers at the Vice Admiral who, I should note, _massively_ outweighed him. And outranked him. And out- _everything'd_ him.

"Making an innocent young girl cry?" the Master Chief Petty Officer fumed. "You should be _ashamed_ of yourself!"

"B-But she—! A-And I—!" Garp scrambled to get his words together.

"You dirty bastard!" Helmeppo accused fervently.

"What kind of a man are you, huh!?" a random Marine piped up.

"Disgusting, simply disgusting!"

"Yeah, now I'm _definitely_ not naming my son after you!"

"N-N-Now hold on a minute, a-a-all of you—"

I have to admit, to this day I have seen few sights funnier than that of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, flailing about desperately as his own men lambasted him. But still, even through my (barely concealed) amusement, I couldn't help feeling that something was… _off_ about this whole affair.

Before I could put much thought into it, however…

"Disgraceful," Garp's fedora-wearing compatriot huffed.

For whatever, reason, _that_ was what rebooted Garp's brain, prompting him to turn on his men and draw himself up to his full height. "Now, see here, you young whippersnappers! I—!"

It all happened in an _instant._

One second, Merry's head was bowed and she was sobbing her eyes out, the next it snapped up and her gaze locked on dead ahead, a pair of utterly _evil_ golden stars glinting in her eyes. She spared a _second_ to glance at Soundbite and slash a finger across her throat before she _shoved_ her crutches into the ground, effectively flinging Merry forward.

And then…

_CHOMP!_

…the world just seemed to… well, _stop turning_ as once anew everyone froze.

"Ooooh myyyy gooood…" I dragged out incredulously.

"Well, now…" Robin breathed.

"Oh, _for fuck's sakes…"_ Nami moaned, dropping her hands in her face.

"What the…!?" Coby and Helmeppo gaped in shock.

"PFFF…" Soundbite snorted, very visibly holding himself back from cackling. " _T-T-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, FOLKS,_ _ **sorry!"**_ The second he finished that last word he burst out _howling._ " _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ **HEEHEEHEE** _ **hahahahaaaaaa!"**_

Garp _sloooowly_ glanced over his shoulder, shock written across his face. "W-What the—?"

Merry's grin widened around the mouthful of his ass she'd bitten into. "Gr't yer t'th."

And then she redoubled the strength of her bite and things got…

" _YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!"_

_Interesting._

Years in the future, Monkey D. Garp would _still_ swear up and down to anyone and everyone who would listen that the scars on his ass came from either a bear trap, a snapping turtle or a juvenile Sea King that someone had left on his office chair, either as a practical joke, as part of an assassination plot, or on account of his forgetting that he'd left it there the day before.

And years in the future, nobody would believe him on account of the Marine witnesses present spreading the true story like wildfire in spite of how much he threatened and pleaded with them afterwards.

Said true story being that a little girl had sunk her teeth into his ass like a freaking _cobra_ and absolutely _refused_ to let go, no matter how much he howled and ran around frantically, arms flailing with all the dignity of a cat in a water-soaked sack in a room full of rocking chairs. And, quite honestly, there was only one way I, or hell, _anyone_ could react to it.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I cackled, falling onto the ground, pounding the floorboards with my fists. "TH-THIS IS COMEDY _GO-HO-HO-HOLD! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"_

"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Luffy howled alongside me, rolling about as he clutched his gut. "THIS IS GREAT! GO MERRY! SHISHISHISHI!"

"S-S-Someone get a picture of this! It'll be worth _millions!"_ Nami shrieked, clutching Sanji in a desperate bid to keep herself upright. Sanji, for once, didn't fly into a Love Hurricane due to being too occupied with supporting himself on Nami.

"I-I'm trying!" Conis wheezed, her arm spasming furiously as she tried to hold her Vision Dial properly and stay upright. "B-B-But I'm laughing too h-hard! I c-c-can't keep a s-steady hand!"

"TSEEHEEHEEHEE!" Su, meanwhile, had no such restrictions and was flailing about on her back as she kept laughing.

In fact, most of the room was on the floor; the only ones upright were Zoro, Boss, and Robin, and they were either slumped over or on their knees. Even among the Marines, nobody was composed enough to be bothered to help their boss; Coby and Helmeppo were laughing themselves to tears, the grunts were accumulating grass stains, and the cool guy— _Bogard_ , that's the name I knew him by—Bogard was hiding his face with his fedora, the shaking of his shoulders betraying the fact that he was trying with every fiber of his being not to burst out laughing himself.

Overall, it was… yeah, it was just straight-up _hilarious._

At least five minutes passed before I managed to get enough of my mental facilities flaring to wonder what would happen when Garp finally got it in his head to get her off. The thought that came to mind brought with it a solution that would put an end to the conflict in a most beautiful way.

As such, I forced myself to my feet, staggered over to the flailing Garp, and grabbed Merry's torso. I _tried_ to yank her off, but she barely even budged a bit. Still, not to be denied, I lifted my foot, planted it on Garp's backside and shoved as hard as I could. It was a hell of a struggle, but eventually I managed to yank her free!

_RIIIIP!_

Though it wasn't from any weakness on Merry's part.

Garp blinked slowly and sighed in relief as he realized the _absence_ of pain in his hindquarters before stiffening as he _also_ felt a breeze pass between his legs. "Oooooh sonnuva—!" He snapped his gaze around and stared in horror at the sight of his shorts hanging from Merry's grinning jaws. "Alright, brat, you listen and you listen good. Whatever the hell you're thinking about doing, you _stop_ thinking about it _right the hell—!"_

Merry sucked the shorts down in a single gulp before adopting a shameless grin. "Tasty!"

Garp's eyes twitched even as his jaw, as well as that of every other Marine and Luffy, dropped in shock.

I blinked numbly as I processed the… let's say 'interesting' developments that had just occurred before glancing down at Merry, my eyebrow cocked in confusion. "…Wasn't your figurehead supposed to be a _sheep?"_

"Baaaaah-ah-ah-ah!" Merry bleated unabashedly in response.

"Fair 'nuff," I conceded.

" **HEEHEEHEE** _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ _HAHAHAAAAAA!"_ Soundbite howled. "I THINK I SEE _some of me_ **in her! Hahahahaaaa!"**

"You… little…!" Garp grit out as he strangled the air before him. "What the _hell_ is your problem!? Where the hell did all of that cutesy crap from before go!?"

Merry silently stared at him for a second before bowing her head, her hood ensuring that all that was visible was the corner of a light smirk. "Ha… hahahaaaa…"

And then, out of the blue—!

" _MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_ Merry flung her head back and started cackling like a madwoman. "YE FOOLISH MARINE SOPS! YE REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO DID YE!? WELL ALLOW ME TO MAKE MATTERS UTTERLY CLEAR FOR YE!"

And with that, Merry grabbed the sides of her jacket and jerked it—

I paled in realization. "Ahhh, _shit,_ we forgot to take our flag when we got off you, didn't we?"

The grin Merry shot at me matched that of the Jolly Roger emblazoned on the t-shirt she was wearing tooth for tooth. "I assure ye, I consider it to be a _most_ fortuitous mistake. Now, if ye'll excuse me—DO YE GET THE PICTURE NOW, YE LANDLUBBER FOOLS!?" she shouted, returning to cackling at Garp and his men. "I MIGHT _APPEAR_ TA BE A CUTE AND INNOCENT CARAVEL ON THE OUTSIDE, SURE, BUT IN ME KEEL AND SOUL?" She thumped a fist to her chest. "AH'LL EVER AND ALWAYS BE NOTHIN' LESS THAN A ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE, GROG-SWILLIN' MARINE-SINKIN' _BUCCANEER,_ THROUGH AND THROUGH, _AND DON'T YE EVER FORGET IT!"_

I stared at Merry in open-mouthed awe as she finished her tirade and crossed her arms with a triumphant smirk, and I reacted in the only appropriate way I knew.

I smiled contentedly as I patted her head. "I am _so_ proud of you, Merry. _So proud."_

"She's already taunting the Marines like a pro…" Usopp sobbed into his arm. "T-They grow up so fast!"

"To see the next generation do you proud!" Boss sobbed right along with him as he pumped his fist in the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE AT ITS FINEST!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS concurred.

"You little…" Garp snarled out murderously, veins popping out on his forehead as he slowly cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you're seriously so intent on being a _pirate,_ then I'm only _happy_ to—!"

" _Ah-_ _ **Ah-**_ **AH!~"** Soundbite sang with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "REMEMBER, GARP: _we were_ **having 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' during this** _ **entire**_ **bit;** _YOU START JACK, I DROP THE SCRAMBLE,_ _ **AND ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD will hear is**_ YOU _pummeling poor, innocent_ **Merry and her big brother."**

"The snail's right, Garp," I smirked confidently. "Hurt us now, and you will enjoy what I would like to call a 'Reverse Celestial Dragon' reaction. I.E., civilians rise up to lynch _you._ Care to try it?"

"…You've earned your place as the tactician of this crew, Jeremiah Cross," Garp nodded with begrudging respect. Merry and I exchanged victorious grins, before freezing as he pinned us both with murderous glares. "And you've _both_ earned a spot on my shitlist. Mark my words, there _will_ be consequences."

"Leave my crew alone, Gramps!" Luffy protested, before shrinking in on himself when Garp turned his a glare at him. It only lasted for a moment, however, before Luffy set his face in stone. His legs were trembling like Usopp's, but he stood strong in the face of his grandfather's anger. "You can hit me all you want… but I won't forgive anyone who hurts my friends," he growled.

I had only a moment to appreciate him quoting Shanks again before Garp reared back his fist, clearly preparing to hit his grandson—

_SHINK!_ "And family or not, I _don't_ take threats to my captain lightly."

Only to pause as Zoro, Wado and Kitetsu in hand, moved to stand beside Luffy. Garp raised a brow.

"The mosshead has a point," Sanji conceded, moving to Luffy's opposite side. I hastily glanced at Lassoo and nodded at him, prompting him to snap into his hybrid form and snarl menacingly even as he and I moved along with the rest of the crew to stand beside the Monster Trio.

"After all, a captain's duty may be to his crew—" Boss continued, the TDWS flanking him proudly.

"But a crew's duty is to their captain," Nami finished as she and Usopp both readied their weapons.

"It should be obvious by now, Vice Admiral Garp," Vivi said coolly, a Lion Cutter spinning in her hands. "If you threaten one of the Straw Hat Pirates, you threaten _all_ of the Straw Hat Pirates."

Garp took in the sight of us all standing together. Sanji, Chopper, and Robin all glared at him in challenge, while the rest of the crew had their weapons in hand to match their glares. And Luffy? His expression hadn't faltered, and his trembling had stopped dead.

Merry took it all in for a second before adopting a massive fond smile. "I love this crew…" she whispered joyously.

After a few seconds, Garp lowered his arm with a put-upon sigh—and I _think_ a mutter of 'damn déjà-vu'? Either way, a bittersweet grin came over his face. "Well, if nothing else good came of this, I'm glad my stupid grandson has found companions who care about him that much." He turned away and folded his arms with a huff. "Eh, whatever. I'm on vacation right now anyway, I'm under no obligation to try catching you. Do whatever the hell you want, however utterly foolish it might be."

I heaved a sigh of relief before snapping my head up with an eager grin as inspiration suddenly slugged me. "Weeell, if that's the case, seeing as you're not busy and all, think you could spare the time to outline a method or three on how to train some techniques? Like, oh, off the top of my head… Haki or—?"

"Not on your life, ass," Garp snorted as he dug a pinkie up his nose.

I shot a desperate look at Vivi, and she shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling before smiling beatifically. "Oh, come now, Vice Admiral, don't be like that. **Please tell us everything you know about Haki?"** Vivi 'asked' politely.

Garp paused for a moment, and for that moment, I thought it had worked.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I found myself brutally disabused of that notion when he started laughing his head off.

"HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHaaaa!" Garp finally wound down, wheezing as he pressed his hand to his face before glancing at us from under his fingers. "Really, Cross is one thing, the world knows he's completely insane, but I'd expect the _rest_ of you to know how completely _absurd_ the concept of me answering to a will as weak as _that_ is."

Vivi paled in shock. "W-Wait, you—?"

"Noticed that you just tried to enforce your Sovereign's Will on me?" Garp scoffed with a wave of his hand. "Psh! Of course I did! After all…" He shot a smirk over his shoulder. " _You're_ not one of the very few people who I answer to!"

I prepared to throw in the towel, but then a thought flitted through my mind and I hastily pasted a defeated scowl on my face. "Ah, but of course! Vivi's will was in no way a match for your own! She could never get you to do what she said properly, I should have known!" I proclaimed melodramatically.

"Feh, moron," Garp scoffed as he dug his finger in his ear. "You know as well as I do that willpower is only half the battle when it comes to the Sovereign's Will subset of Conqueror's Haki! The other half of it is respect! After all, Conquerors get people to kneel before them through a sheer flood of willpower. _Sovereigns_ , on the other hand, like your princess friend, play on the natural aura of leadership they exude to get people to bow and obey before them. Different personalities and ways of ruling, different results. But, eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "You already knew all that."

"Or at least, we know it _now!"_ Su snickered behind her paw. "Thanks a lot for the tidbits, gramps! Tseeheeheeheeeee!"

Garp froze in spot as the blood drained from his face before he wheeled around and started strangling the air… again. " _Yoooou…"_

"And we are _back!"_ I said, stopping the Vice Admiral in his place as I rolled my finger at Soundbite. "Sorry about that, loyal viewers, but… well, let's just say that the good Vice Admiral _may_ have had a bout of narcolepsy, which _may_ have resulted in the unfortunate and untimely demise of his pants. So, following the trouser malfunction that the world will never know of, we stand here with Vice Admiral Garp now perfectly composed, but without suitable bottom garments. So…" I glanced downward with a cocked brow. "Fire hydrant-print boxers, eh?"

Garp promptly flushed brick red, though whether it was from outrage or being reminded that he was still sans pants, I couldn't even _begin_ to tell.

"Points for being innovative, at the least." My grin widened tauntingly. "Oooor not, seeing as the figurehead of your ship is a _dog._ Do I sense a theme here?"

At that point, everyone within earshot lost it again.

**-o-**

The raucous laughter coming from the Transponder Snail was only matched by the raucous laughter coming from two long-suffering aged citizens.

"BAHAHAHAHA! Ohohoh, I've wanted to hear that old bastard get his for _decades!_ This has been coming for a _long_ time!" Dadan crowed as she pounded on the makeshift bar she'd set up in her hideout.

"WAHAHAHA! I'm right there with you, bandit! I'll never object to the SBS again, this justifies _everything!"_ Woop Slap cackled.

Makino cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Dogra and Magra. "Is this the happiest you've ever seen yours too?"

"By far," the bandits nodded in sage agreement.

"Well, in that case, this calls for something special!" the kindly bartender proclaimed enthusiastically, walking over to a corner of the bar and withdrawing an unopened bottle. "I was saving this bottle of Wano Rice Wine that Shanks left me for a good time, and this seems as good an occasion as any to open it!"

"AGREED!" Woop Slap and Dadan proclaimed eagerly.

As the laughter redoubled, Makino filled a few glasses, passed them around and raised one for herself. "To the Straw Hat Pirates, who never cease to amaze and _inspire!"_

"KANPAI!"

**-o-**

Garp fumed and hissed indignantly for a moment before slumping over with a defeated sigh. "Oh for the love of—enough, _enough!_ Luffy, your crew is utterly exhausting and I give _up._ BUT!" he barked as he drew himself up and slid his shades back over his eyes. "I'm not going to let that get me down! I'm still in a beautiful and thriving city, and I'm still on the first vacation I've had in years! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and enjoy myself and nothing anyone can say is going to change my—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"Call on the direct line from Marineford for you, Vice Admiral," Bogard deadpanned as he withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat.

Garp stiffened fearfully, knocking his glasses askew in the process. "As I was saying, I'm going right back to my ship and setting off for Marineford right as soon as my men are finished with their shore leave!" he bit out hastily, spinning on his heel and striding out of the building as fast as his feet could take him. Then he paused just outside and turned back around, his arms crossed and his head bowed.

"But still… I suppose that while I have this opportunity… so long as my voice has even _half_ a chance of reaching my idiot son… Then this just _has_ to be said."

Everyone fell silent in anticipation of what Garp could possibly want to say.

"GET A JOB!"

_WHAM!_

Honestly now, it was my fault, well and truly. I _really_ should have known better than to expect anything even _remotely_ different from someone like a damn Monkey. Still, as it was, at least I was starting to gain a tolerance to head pains from hitting my head against the floor so much. I was also starting to taste copper, though I'm fairly certain that was supposed to be a _bad_ thing.

"Eh…?" I slowly raised my hand as I lifted my head. "Did you _not_ hear that little speech I made earlier? About him freeing the world from tyranny and all that?"

Garp's response was to snort out a load of steam. "THAT'S A HOBBY!"

"Oooof course," I groaned as I hung my head in defeat. "What the hell was I thinking?"

"Well, that's it, then," Garp spun on his heel and legitimately booked it, the Marines outside hastily moving out of his path. "SAFE TRAVELS!"

We all stared silently after him before Luffy grinned at Coby. "So! What's new with you?"

I hastily elbowed Nami as I once again covered the mic. "I'll direct their conversation and pump him for as much intel as I can get if you'll record it all," I hissed subtly.

The _CHA-CHING!_ I practically heard as her spine snapped straight was all I needed in answer. Heck, maybe this could even make paying off my newly acquired debt semi-plausi—!

"STRAW HATS! STRAW HATS!"

' _What did I do to deserve this?'_ I groaned inwardly as I turned towards the frantic and disheveled Galley-La worker who was running up towards the hole in the house. "Before you say anything!" I cut him off with a raised hand. "I already know what you're here about and it's being handled."

"YOU—wait, _what?_ So you _already_ know about the crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker?"

"Yes, we've already dealt with the Mari—" I froze as his words sunk in, and all eyes turned towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Eh, just that there's a crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker," the worker shrugged indifferently. "But hey, if you've already got that handled—!"

"Sir, sir," I interrupted him again. "I'd just like to remind you that I've been on the Grand Line for several months now, so I think that it says a _lot_ about just how utterly confused I am when I say _WHAT!?"_

**-o-**

"…You have _got_ to me kidding me…" I muttered incredulously as the Galley-La worker and I leaned around the corner of the door to my crew's storage locker, peering inside. "Out of the literal _dozens_ of discarded swords on that godforsaken bridge that I could have grabbed, I chose the one _with the elephant Zoan in it!?"_

"BAROOOOOOH!"

" **Apparently** _ **yes,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned, following Funkfreed with his eyes as he reared up on his hind legs, trunk flailing about as he fought off the half-dozen dockworkers that were trying to subdue him. " _And for the record, HE HASN'T SAID_ JACK YET, **HE'S JUST BEEN YELLING INCOHERENTLY."**

"Congratulations, Cross," Lassoo chuffed flatly as he ground a paw into his forehead. "Your luck has officially hit an all-time _low."_

I grimaced as I found myself unable to refute that statement before morphing it into a scowl. "That may be so, but you're forgetting one particular aspect of the luck of the Straw Hats: when our luck bites us in the ass, we turn it right the hell around and make it work for _us!"_ And with that, I walked out from around the doorframe and strode into the warehouse. "Come on, guys."

Lassoo briefly eyed the rampaging elephant-sword before swallowing audibly. "Ah… can we vote on this, or—?"

" _Lassoo!"_

The dog-cannon flinched and followed me with a defeated whimper. Nodding, I turned in the general direction of the elephant and marched up to about a few meters away from him, waving off the shipwrights trying to subdue him in the process. "Hey, Timmy Trumpet!" I called out, spreading my arms invitingly. "Remember me?"

The white behemoth swung his head towards me, his narrowed eyes snapping wide with outrage.

" _BAROOOOOOOOOOOOH!"_

The Zoan-weapon turned his mass towards me, his trunk reverting to a massive blade as he prepared to mow me down…

"HOLD IT!"

Only to stall in place when I snapped my hand up.

"Listen," I calmly prompted. "I can imagine just how _totally_ pissed off you are, and honestly, going by the craters you're sporting there—" I gestured at the talon-prints indented in Funkfreed's brow. "You have every right to be. But all I ask is for a few minutes of your time, alright? If you're not satisfied by the time I'm done talking…" My expression fell flat as I jerked my thumb at Lassoo. "Then you can take it up with _him."_

"GRRRRRRR!"

Lassoo drew his hackles back in a vicious snarl, flames roiling between his jaws.

Funkfreed eyed his fellow animal-weapon, his expression unreadable, before allowing his trunk to relax back into flesh with a dark snort.

"Glad to hear it," I said, crossing my arms. "Now, then, while you've got a legitimate grievance about the dents you've taken to the skull…" I snapped my finger up and pointed it at him. "I think that that's the _only_ legitimate grievance you have right now!"

" _Eh?!"_ Soundbite, Lassoo and the dockworkers around me yelped incredulously, matching Funkfreed's own dumbstruck look.

"Well, yeah!" I forged on. "After all, it was thanks to our crew invading Enies that you saw the first piece of action _you've_ undoubtedly experienced in… what, a year? A decade? Your entire _life?_ Because, come on, let's face facts here! You were _Spandam's_ sword, and Spandam was a lot of things: a bastard, a degenerate, the list goes on and on, but two things he was above all else? He was a weakling and a coward! That means that he never, _ever_ got into fights if he could help it and you were a superfluous accessory _at best._ And can you honestly tell me that I'm _wrong?"_

The elephant snorted and jerked his head forward in defiance, but after a second of me glaring him down, he looked away, and I heard a mumbled sound come from his mouth.

" **One for one,"** Soundbite confirmed. " _Apparently he was_ _ **more pet than WEAPON."**_

"Eesh, poor bastard…" Lassoo flinched sympathetically.

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded. "Now, look, Funkfreed… what I want you to do for me is I want you to confirm your life up until now with whatever you remember of the Bridge of Hesitation. You remember how I grabbed you, right? I was actually _using_ you for once in your life, how you _finally_ got to fulfill your life's purpose?"

The sword glanced side to side fretfully for a moment before letting out a positive-sounding bray.

"That's what I hoped. Now, look, you're at a crossroads right now." I popped up a finger. "On the one hand, you can stay loyal to the Marines; fight me, possibly fight my crew, inevitably get your ass whipped and we'll let Garp take you back to the Marines. Maybe they'll destroy you so that they can reacquire your fruit, more likely they'll transfer you to another officer for their usage. Whether they'd be better or worse than Spandam, I couldn't tell you. No matter what, though, it'd be a gamble. Personally?" I popped up my second finger, and then pointed it at myself. "I'd take the second option, the _guaranteed satisfaction_ option, of coming with me, and letting _me_ be your wielder."

"WHAT!?" everyone squawked incredulously, even Funkfreed reeling back in shock.

"Well, yeah!" I said, throwing my arms out. "Come on, think about it! You _know_ how utterly insane my life is, how nuts my crew's lives are! And me, personally, I get in fights all the damn time! And, well…" I flexed my gauntlets demonstratively. "As good as these babies are, I do enjoy having a guaranteed back-up weapon on me. My old baton was good, but, well… it's gone now. And, I'll admit, I'm not a swordsman, that is a fact, and for awhile I'd be pulling a Spandam by relying on your powers… but…"

I clenched my fists. "But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to _learn._ I'm willing to match whatever effort you put in, step for step. You do right by me by supporting me, and I'll do right by you by not only helping you use your abilities to the fullest, but by giving you the best damn fights any sword on these seas has _ever_ known!" I held my hand out to him invitingly. "Whaddaya say… friend?"

Funkfreed brayed and trumpeted hesitantly, glancing to and fro as he debated with himself.

"Ah… hey. Funkfreed, right?"

The elephant-blade blinked in surprise as Lassoo padded forward, his head cocked to the side.

"Listen…" The dog-gun glanced to the side sheepishly as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'm… sorry for my earlier reaction, alright? That was… not nice. But I've stood where you are now, and if you want my advice?" He affixed Funkfreed with a firm gaze. "If you turn him down, you'll be making the worst mistake of your life. This pirate…" Lassoo shot a smirk over his shoulder at me. "He's as nutty as they come, insane even, but he's more than a good wielder, he's a good _friend._ And if he wants _you_ as his sword? Then friend, you should consider yourself to be the luckiest damn blade on the six seas… just like how I'm the luckiest damn _gun."_

I sniffed gratefully as I fought to hold my tears back before kneeling down and scratching Lassoo's chin. "Good dog," I whispered happily.

"Hweehweehwee!" Lassoo laughed as he planted a slobber-laden lick on my face. "Best friend!"

Funkfreed kept his head bowed as he thought things over. Then, at last, a determined glint came into his eye.

"Alright…" he whispered before raising his head and voice confidently as he extended his trunk. "Alright, I'm in! Put 'er the—!"

_**SMASH!** _

He cut himself off as both he and the rest of us faceplanted hard enough to shake the floor _._ But above the din of the titanic impact sounded out a single, _very_ familiar noise.

"HAHAHA _HOOHOOHOO_ _ **HEEHEEHEE!"**_ Soundbite howled ecstatically. " **Oh joyous day, OH JOYOUS DA-A-AY!"**

"YOU ARE FUCKING _SHAMELESS,_ SLIMESTAIN!" I spat viciously as I hauled my face up from the ground. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERY ANIMAL HAVING THEIR OWN DAMN VOICE!?"

"SCREW THAT!" Soundbite cackled in my face in response. " _This was a golden opportunity,_ _ **no way in hell was I**_ **LETTING** **SOMETHING LIKE** MORAL INTEGRITY _STAND IN THE WAY OF THE_ _ **HOLY TRIFECTA!"**_

"HE IS A GOD-DAMN _ELEPHANT!"_ I snarled as I jabbed my finger at said elephant in the room. "WHERE IN THE _HELL_ DO YOU GET _MOUSE_ FROM THAT!?"

" **I get it from** ' _ **I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!'"**_ the snail replied with a smirk. " _And I don't give a damn if_ _ **the demons Disney calls its lawyers**_ REACH ACROSS THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER TO **SLAP MY SMILE OFF MY FACE WITH COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, the voice stays!"**

"I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU!"

"What did I just get myself into…?" Funkfreed wept into the ground.

"No takebacksies, we're stuck on this mad ride together…" Lassoo chuffed sympathetically.

"Ugh…" I groaned as I got back on my feet. "Screw it, I know better than to try and change his mind, so let's just get back to the crew." I held my hand out to him. "If you wouldn't mind?"

"Ah, right, gimme a sec…" Funkfreed nodded hastily, placing his trunk to the ground and shifting to his sword-form, leaving an ornate blade planted upright in the stonework.

I blinked in surprise at the display before grabbing Funkfreed's hilt and drawing him from the ground, weighing him in my hand a bit before turning to the nearest Galley-La worker. "Alright, first things first: Did he actually crush anything important?"

"Ah… nah, nah, nothing like that," the shipwright assured me. "He knocked a few things over, sure, but everything looks to be alright."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Perfect. If Nami found out that my new sword actually managed to crush her mother's trees…" I shivered in horror. "Yeah, _no._ I want to be able to sleep at night. Alright, alright, one more question before I go…" I pointed at Funkfreed. "Got any spare sheaths lying around that are close to a size _him?"_

**-o-**

A few minutes later, the telltale smell of burning wood and grilling meat reached my nostrils a block away from the pool where I knew the crew would be by this time, if the sunset dyeing the island orange and the sound of festivities filling the air were anything to go by.

I had to admit, I was really looking forward to it; after all, this was more than a mere impromptu shindig, it was the long-overdue and perfectly justified celebration of us reclaiming everything that the world sought to take away from us. But it was for that same reason that I was also making sure to take a longer than usual route back to our impromptu HQ, rather than heading for the light and smoke immediately.

After all, there was one loose end yet remaining from Enies Lobby, and I intended to nail it to the wall once and for _fucking all_.

And so, as I noticed Soundbite suddenly snap to alertness, I prepared myself for what I knew was coming.

" _Cross?"_ the snail whispered nervously.

"Hold on, Soundbite, we're almost there," I waved him off.

" _ **But Cross—!"**_

"There'll be enough meat even with Luffy there, there are Sea-King-killer ships aplenty around here, and the waters don't lack for prey either."

" _Cross,_ **seriously—** "

"Soundbite, quit panicking. Everything is alright," I huffed, folding my arms behind my head as I came to a stop.

" **THE HELL** _ **IT—**_ "

"But," I cut him off sharply, my tone cold. "If it'll put your mind at ease, just remember that he's not someone who would go back on his word, and the fact that Sengoku would have to be an absolute _idiot_ to touch us here after we so soundly _dropkicked_ the entire globe a few days ago means that he _isn't_ here on orders. But still, that _does_ leave us with the pressing question: what _possible_ reason could you have to be here, Kuzan?"

Soundbite snapped his jaws shut, his eyes wide with shock.

"Hmph…You truly are a frightening man, Jeremiah Cross," an unmistakably chilly voice drawled behind me.

"Cut the flattery and answer the question, icicle-breath," I snapped, not even deigning to turn and face him. "I want answers for Long Ring Long, and I want them now. You saw the debt you owed to Saul fulfilled, you saw Robin in her place. For a minute, I thought that I may have underestimated how decent of a Marine you are, I thought I could give you a _chance_." My hands clenched into fists. "And then you said it. You said that parting shot, which we _both_ know was taken how you intended it to be read. You were aiming to shatter what little happiness she had found, and you saw just what kind of a _hell_ it took to get it back for her." My lips drew back into a snarl. "Do you have any _idea_ what that bastard did to her? How many bones he broke, how close she came to _dying?"_

His silence said enough.

I closed my eyes, and against my will, my tone became pleading. " _Why_ , Kuzan? Why do it? Why break her trust in us, our strength? Why sic CP9, _Rob Lucci himself_ , on her? What possible reason could you have had to hurt Robin like that?"

The silence hung heavy in the air, and the growing frigidity only made the air all the heavier. Ultimately, however, he deigned to answer me.

"Eh, I suppose I owe you _something_ after this whole mess, and since it's sure as hell not going to be my respect, it might as well be the truth." The slight crackling of ice belied the cool drawl of his voice. "See, that little speech you gave when I made the monumental mistake of not only allowing but _inviting_ you to talk? It actually touched base. Shook me more than I care to admit. The way you stood by Nico Robin despite everything… I don't know how, but you knew the truth of that day. And ever since that day, I've been questioning if Saul made the right choice all those years ago. If _I_ made the right choice, if any of us did. And seeing Nico Robin, the Demon of Ohara, in the hands of someone else who knew about the hell of that day…"

"You saw that as your chance," I snapped my head up in realization, finally turning around to face him. The admiral's expression was stony, but the shame he was demonstrating was unmistakable. "You knew what you were doing as soon as you fired that parting shot. Cipher Pol 9, Enies Lobby… you set the whole thing up, matching the full force of the Marines and the World Government against whatever we could muster, just so that you could get your answer as to whose truth was truly victorious!"

Kuzan heaved a cloudy sigh as he shook his head and slowly raised his hand in denial. "No, Jeremiah Cross, not even close. Truth is… I knew the answer to that conflict the moment you repeated Saul's words to me, the answer to your words… but I didn't want to believe it. Every obstacle in your path was something I hoped I could use as an excuse to keep denying it; no matter how strong you were, surely you couldn't take on Enies Lobby and win. Surely the World Government would snuff you out, and I could put this all behind me like some bad dream. But that just didn't happen, and instead you managed to succeed with the entire world as your witness. Meaning that I've no more room left with which to deny the truth, every truth I've hidden from and dodged all these years."

The glare in his eyes sharpened as he looked into mine. "And so, to answer your initial question, Jeremiah Cross, I came here because I have a new question now, one even more daunting than the last. And considering your reputation, I want to see if you can give me an answer."

I blinked in surprise, but my expression remained firm even as I debated with myself and eventually came to a conclusion. "I won't promise anything, but ask anyway."

He visibly steeled himself. Then…

"What am I supposed to do now?"

I processed that for several seconds. I honestly thought long and hard about what he was asking, about what I could say, what I could tell him…

And ultimately, I scowled. "Get up off your ass and figure it out yourself."

" **HAVE YOU LOST YOUR—** _ **WHEGH!"**_ I grabbed Soundbite's tongue mid-sentence, cutting off his incredulous squawk.

Aokiji, meanwhile, was no less taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me!" I snarled, jabbing my finger at the towering frigid _bastard._ "Figure it. Out. _Yourself._ You say you've seen the truth, you say you want to change? Well, I call _bullshit!_ Look at you! Even now, you're being a lazy bastard, relying on others to do your thinking for you, to give you all the answers you need. You think that someone's just going to stand up and act as your inspiration, your beacon of righteousness?" I shook my head darkly as I marched up to him. "Weeeeell tough, because that shit officially stops with _me._ I'm not giving you _squat,_ Kuzan. You want your epiphany, you want a path to a better world?"

I stopped as I stood before him, reached up and started poking him in his chest. "Then _you_ get up, _you_ find it and you pave it with your _own_ hands, with _your_ own blood, sweat and tears… just like what everyone else on the planet does every. Single. _Day."_

For a full minute, Aokiji and I just… glared at each other, the temperature gradually and steadily lowering each and every second that the conflict drew out. Soon I was seeing my own breath, but I didn't let myself shiver or waver, refusing to sacrifice so much as an _inch_ in the conflict.

And then, just like that, the temperature snapped right back to normal as Aokiji turned his back on me, his arm raised dismissively. "Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting from you, but it really should have been _that,_ huh?"

I snorted firmly (it was _not_ a sigh of relief, no matter what the hell Soundbite said) before turning as well and heading towards the party. "Your debt is paid and you're no longer welcome here. Mark my words, Ice Hole: if you ever come near my sister again, I will _end you."_

And so I walked away…

"Hold it."

Before halting against my will as the frosty voice spoke up again.

"Before you go… I've got two messages for you. First, for Nico Robin, tell her…" Aokiji hesitated for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Tell her that Saul's hat suits her."

I felt my teeth grind together, but held my tongue. "And second?" I grit out.

"Marshall D. Teach."

I didn't even _try_ to stop myself from spinning around and staring at Aokiji in shock, meeting his cool gaze dead on.

"You know of him," he deduced. "Good, that makes this easier. Then allow me to be as clear as I possibly can: that man… he's dangerous, Jeremiah Cross. Dangerous in ways not even you can begin to contemplate."

Aokiji narrowed his eyes.

"Beware the Blackbeard Pirates, Cross. Beware Blackbeard."

And then he was gone.

I stared numbly at the spot where he was a moment before as the temperature slowly began increasing again. Then I was all but dunked in ice water as realization hit me full force.

" _Ace,"_ I breathed in horror.

The next thing I knew, I was running with all the speed I could muster towards the source of the noise, rushing through every alleyway I could find as Soundbite, having put the pieces together, spewed out the fastest route he could find. The exact instant that I arrived, I sprinted in the direction he indicated, ignoring any comments along the way, bodychecking anyone in my way out of my path…

"Oh, hey Cwo—!"

"GIMME!"

_CRASH!_

"GAH!"

Aaaaand finishing it all off by bodily _tackling_ Luffy and snatching his hat off his head before he knew what actually hit him.

"Card, card, _where's the fucking card!?"_ I hissed as I frantically rifled through one of the most valuable pieces of headwear in human history, until finally…

"GOTCHA!" I whooped as I located the invaluable card and held it high—

"BASTARD!"

_CRACK!_

"GARGH!"

Just in time for Luffy to _sucker punch me_ into a wall, square in the nose to boot.

"Aaaaargh, shonnuva— _OW!"_ I winced as I snapped my nose back into place.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, CROSS?!" a blur I vaguely recognized as Luffy roared above me, stomping about furiously. "YOU STOLE MY HAT AND YOU MADE ME CHOKE ON MY MEAT!"

"Grgrggghhh… gimme a second to stop seeing double and I'll tell you," I groaned, rubbing my head and blinking several times, but not letting the paper in my other hand leave it. Finally, as my vision came back into focus, I brought the paper in front of my eyes—

"…pfheh… pfheheheh… PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

Luffy paused in confusion as I started cackling like a madman. "Ah… Cross? What's so funny?"

"PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Funny? _Funny!?_ " I choked out through my euphoria as I worked my way to my feet. "Not funny, HAPPY! Happy because we've won! _AGAIN!_ A gamble I worried about above all others, a last ditch throw whose outcome I doubted every step of the way, _and it's just hit on all sixes!_ We won again! We won we won we won _WE WON!_ PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Eeeehhh…" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I don't get it."

"PFFHAHAHA!" I crowed ecstatically as I shot up and slung my arm around Luffy's shoulders, surreptitiously replacing the _perfectly intact_ Vivre Card of Portgas D. Ace back in his hat in the process. "There's nothing _to_ get, _mon ami!_ Right now, all we must do is what you've been doing up until now: celebrate! Eat, drink, and above all else, _be as merry as possible!"_

"OI!"

_THWACK!_

My smile barely even shifted as my head was knocked to the side on account of a crutch bouncing off my skull, and I instead turned it towards the source of the projectile. "I take it I struck a nerve?" I called out.

"YER DARN RIGHT YE DID!" Merry crowed from atop a recently returned Sodom's head, grinning like a lunatic as she flailed her remaining crutch about. "AFTER ALL, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER MERRY IN THE SIX BLUE SEAS BUT _ME!_ Now, if you'll excuse me!" Before anyone could stop her, the girl-ship leapt off of the King-Bull's head with a whoop. "CANNONBAAAALL!"

"YAHOO! WAIT FOR ME!"

"Eh?" I glanced at Luffy in confusion, only to find that he'd ducked out from under my arm and was running towards the pool _oh that dumb son of a—_

"CANNONBALL!" the most senior hammer on our crew crowed as he followed our second-most senior hammer into the pool.

" _YOU IDIOTS!"_ most of the crew howled indignantly as the pair splashed down, more than a few of our non-hammers following them in in an attempt to rescue them… or properly drown them, I honestly couldn't tell you which.

"…whoops," I muttered in embarrassment, a sweatdrop hanging from my brow.

"Heheheh… Anything but mindless good fun, hm, Cross?"

I snickered in agreement even as I turned and accepted the drink Robin was offering me. "And we wouldn't have it any other way, would we?" I paused to take a deep sip from the glass before gracing her with an angelic smile. "Oh, and by the way, if you drugged this too, you'll wake up tomorrow morning with pink hair."

Robin's smile remained fixed even as she tilted her head to the side. "Dearest brother, I feel it is only fair to warn you that if I wind up pink, you wind up _bald."_

" **M.A.D.! Is there no better way** _ **to prevent a war?"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"If there is, I've yet to find one," Robin shrugged helplessly even as she took a sip of her own. However, even in spite of her glass hiding her mouth, I could see her smile shrink slightly. "So… Cross. To confirm, your knowledge of the future… it came from… a book?"

I hid my grimace with my own glass. "Oooh trust me, I've been seeing ripples as is, and after today and Enies, I can only imagine that they're going to get worse from here."

"Hm…" Robin hummed contemplatively as she peered into her drink.

"But… I'm not worried."

Before glancing up in shock as I continued with a smile.

"Because… earlier, when I was going insane and laughing my ass off? I was doing it because the worst tragedy I could think of in the days to come has just been officially _averted._ Things are changing, and not all for the better, sure, but I at least managed to do _that_ right! And… even if something does come our way, a problem I didn't foresee, some foe ready to crush us all into paste…" I looked up at our crewmates partying around us, thoroughly enjoying the sight. "Then… I trust that this crew can handle them, no matter what!" I allowed the side of my smile out of Robin's sight to fall into a grimace. " _At least, for a little while longer…"_ I grumbled to myself.

"Hmmm…" Robin hummed some more as she contemplated my words, but she eventually shrugged it off and went back to smiling. "Well, if that's the case, I suppose I'll just have to follow your lead, won't I?"

I nodded in agreement before pausing as a thought occurred to me. "Ah, and before I forget? Don't worry about Aokiji anymore. We… well, _you_ won't see him again." I glanced to the side with a scowl. "Not if he knows what's good for him, at any rate…"

My big sis blinked in confusion before frowning and grabbing my cheek with a sharp tug. "I know that I'm not terribly well-versed in such matters, but unless my memory of the many books I've read over the years fails me, it's the _older_ sibling who protects the _younger,_ correct?"

"Aw, c'mon!" I snickered, entirely ignoring the hold she had on my face. "We've never been even remotely close to conventional in the past, why start now, ne?"

Robin glared at me a bit more before looking away with a huff, her cheeks slightly puffed out. "Maybe so, but it's still embarrassing…"

"Pfhehehe—!"

"GYAAAAAH! HEEEELP!"

I was cut off by Luffy suddenly hollering at the top of his lungs as he ran around… with Merry hanging off of his neck?!

"Come oooon, Captain!" she pleaded desperately. "Gimme a bite! An eentsy weentsy bite! No, less than that! A nibble, a morsel, even a lick will do! _Just let me taste it!"_

I felt a blue pallor come over my expression the same time it fell over Robin's.

"Ah…" she mumbled helplessly.

"Soundbite…?" I all but pleaded.

" **She's talking about** _his hat."_

" _Oh-thank-God…"_ we sighed in relief, slumping forward.

I held the position for a bit before glancing at Robin. "There's no chance in _hell_ she'd settle for a nibble, is there?"

"Not a one," Robin confirmed with chuckle as she righted herself. She was then silent for a bit as she observed the pair's antics, smiling fondly. "Still, getting back on topic… I must admit, some of the less savory adjustments aside, it's truly wonderful that you found a means through which to save her. I'm glad that I didn't have to suffer such a horrendous blight on the best day of my life."

"Heh. No chance of that happening either way, Robin," I chuckled as I waved her off. "I got desperate enough to save her en route to Enies that I appealed to the omnipotent asshat that dropped me here for a mulligan on saving her. It gave me her fruit in return for the entertainment I gave it—though I would have still done it anyways, the bastards deserved it for the hell they put you through—but if the fruit didn't work, it still gave me one last Hail Mary I could make use of."

"Oh?" Robin cocked her eyebrow as she made to take another sip of her drink. "Now that I think about it, I do recall Boss being surprised that you were willing to accept. What was the offer it proposed?"

I smirked as I subtly withdrew a Vision Dial, holding it at the ready while she started to drink.

"Oooh, nothing major… just instantaneous gender reassignment."

" _PFFFT!"_

Ahhh, a genuine spit take from Nico Robin, _and_ I managed to _immortalize_ it? Yes, indeed, let there be no doubts: life… was good.

Once she finished hacking and coughing, she pinned me with a glare, but then her eyes widened as she realized that I wasn't kidding. For a few more seconds, she just stared at me. Then she bowed her head, tilting her hat to cover her face.

I frowned in concern as she started to shake, but then I heard it.

"…dere… dereshi…"

It started slow, and then without warning, Nico Robin, the Devil's Child, the Demon of Ohara…

"DERESHISHISHI! _DERE_ SHISHISHISHISHIII!"

Flung her head back and started laughing her _guts_ out, tears of mirth fountaining from her eyes as she struggled to stay upright from laughing so hard.

I blinked in shock as I processed the completely and _utterly_ unprecedented sight before me, but I was swift to get over my paralysis and hastily did two things: First, I snapped off a second photograph, because this too was a moment worthy of immortality. And second?

"PFFHAHAHAHA! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

" **HEEHEEHEEHEE** _ **hoohoohooHAHAHAAAAA!"**_

I joined her in her mirth, both my snail and I laughing right alongside her. Because really, what else could I do under those circumstances? And hell, we would have probably _kept_ laughing for a good long while, too, had life not decided to interrupt us.

"HOOHOOHOO— _huh?"_ Soundbite suddenly cut himself off, one of his eyestalks cocked at something, before interrupting our dying laughter with a shrill whistle. " **Hey, sorry to interrupt, but** _ **just FYI? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY SHUTTERBUG**_ **AT THIS SHINDIG.** _SOMEBODY'S SNAPPING SHOTS OF OUR FRIENDS."_

"Ah…" Robin snapped her gaze around as she analyzed our surroundings. "So 'Flaming' Attachan is here, then? I see…" She glanced at me inquisitively. "I trust you have a plan, Cross?"

"Hell yeah!" I nodded firmly. "I'm striking myself a pose, and I suggest you hop to it and do the same!"

"…eh?" Robin blinked in confusion.

"What, you think I'm actually gonna stop him?" I scoffed incredulously. "Please, if not today, then they'll try and snap our photos tomorrow. That's a fact, and not even I can stop it. As such…" I snapped up a thumbs-up. "I'm making sure that my anonymity dies on _my_ terms, and not by candid! Get my drift?"

Robin stared at me silently before shrugging with a weary-yet-fond sigh. "I don't know what else I was expecting."

"Me neither. Now, if you'll excuse me—!" I interrupted myself as I suddenly broke into a sprint, dashing over to the nearest table I could find and leaping onto it, and jerking my transceiver's mic from its cradle.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE WORLD OVER, IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" I called out, my hand raised high into the air.

The vast majority of the eyes at the party snapped over to me, and according to Soundbite's whispered intel, one particular camera-lens as well.

"AS YOU ALREADY KNOW," I proclaimed. "I'M JEREMIAH CROSS!"

" _AND I'M_ **SOUNDBITE!"** the snail concurred.

"AND AS YOU _ALSO_ KNOW, IT'S ONCE AGAIN TIME—!"

" _TO START THE SBS!"_

I… actually needed a second to recover from that. "Loud."

" **AND FREAKING RUDE!"** Soundbite howled at the crowd. " _THAT'S MY DAMN SHTICK!"_

"SHOVE IT UP YOUR SHELL, MUCUS STAIN!" Mikey cackled,

" _ **GRRRRGH—!"**_

"ANYWAY!" I picked up hastily before he could really pick up steam. "NOW THAT OUR GOOD CAPTAIN IS AWAKE—!"

"HELP!" said captain cried out as he ran past, Merry _still_ clinging to his neck. "OUR SHIP IS TRYING TO EAT MY HAT!"

" _JUST LET ME LICK IT ALREADY, DAMN IT!"_

I shuddered. "Trust me, it sounds even worse _out_ of context… BUT ANYWAY, SEEING AS LUFFY'S AWAKE, WE'VE DECIDED THROW THE PARTY OF A LIFETIME TO COMMEMORATE… PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED, _AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED!_ AS SUCH?" I spread my arms invitingly. "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU RESIDE IN THE HEIGHTS OF HEAVEN!"

" **OR IF YOU DWELL WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"**

I snapped my finger down, pointing _straight_ at Attach's camera as I held the mic to my mouth, the _biggest_ damn grin plastered on my face.

" _ALL AT ONCE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"_ Soundbite and I roared in tandem. " _LET'S ROCK!"_

And as the whole of the party roared their approval all at once, I caught sight of a single flash in all of the chaos and I allowed myself a victorious fist pump.

I was _about_ to get down and rejoin Robin…

"COME ON GUYS, SOMEONE HELP—! Oh, hey, Cross, is that a sword on your back?" Luffy stopped mid-run in front of me, pointing at—!

I grinned ecstatically at the _glorious_ opportunity that had just been presented to me.

"Oh, yeah, almost forgot! HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?" I called out, garnering the crew's attention to me. I then drew Funkfreed, tossed him behind my shoulder…

"BAROOOH!"

"WOOHOO!" I cheered as a trunk grabbed my midsection and lifted me onto the pachyderm's back. I laughed eagerly as I waved my arms at everyone. "I GOT AN ELEPHANT! SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SWORD, FUNKFREED!"

"Hiya, guys!" said sword said, waved his trunk politely.

Nami only allowed herself to gape for a moment before snapping her mouth shut and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead. "Why on _earth_ am I even surprised at this point?"

"Hell if I know," Zoro said, rolling his eyes. "Personally, I say you should have seen it coming. We were actually overdue for Cross bringing another animal into the crew by this point."

Vivi swapped her gaze between the elephant I was riding and Carue scrambling away as fast as possible before marching over to the nearest bar she could find. " **Jack, straight up,** _ **now."**_

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry cheered ecstatically above the roar of the crowd. "I LOVE THIS CREW SO DAMN MUCH!"

**-o-**

And so it all continued, no less rambunctious to the end of the night. From the elevated platform where Usopp was singing, the meat-eating contest between Luffy and the giants, a large population of animals stopping by for the sake of being able to talk, and the messy results of the Dugongs trying to splash Funkfreed (two-ton elephant cannonballing into a tiny-ass pool equals _huge-ass splash)_ , the winding down was a very gradual process.

In the end, however, the embers of the barbecue died out, and most everyone was slumbering with full bellies and smiles as darkness fell over the island. Heck, I was even about to join them! I'd found a comfortable place to lie down and sleep the night away, and I was just about to doze off—

_CHOMP!_

" _YEOW, SONNUVA—!"_ When, _of course,_ I was snapped awake by the damn pest riding shotgun on my shoulder deciding to nom on my neck for no good reason. "What the hell, you little—!?"

" _Incoming_ **half-decent** _FEATHER-RAT,"_ he interrupted, his expression grim. Or disgusted, either or.

"I guess I should take that as a compliment, huh? Certainly better than what I got before."

"Eh— _Oh!"_ I jerked upright as a familiar voice snagged my attention. "Hey, Coo!" I waved at the casual-clad News Coo as he perched on a nearby table. "Long time no squawk. What brings you to this particular stretch of sea?" I stiffened as a thought struck me. "Please tell me the Government isn't ruining _another_ of our crewmates' lives! Or, well…" I cast a surreptitious glance at a certain snoozing cyborg. "You know what I mean."

"Nah, nah, nothing like that, Cross," the albatross reassured me with a wave of his wing, fishing a bundle of paper out of his bag with the other. "This time, I'm fairly certain everything I'm passing you is fairly self-evident. Or at least, nothing that directly affects your crew. But the printers are charging about ten times the normal rate for _this_ special edition they're burning the presses for, so I thought I'd give you a wing." He ha—er, _winged_ the paper over to me. "But if anyone asks—!"

"I got it from a gull in a trenchcoat, dun' worry about it," I said as I started to open the paper and wave him off, before freezing as a thought struck me. "Ah, by the way, while I have you… you happen to run any delivery routes that pass through Navarone by any chance?"

"Nah, not recently," Coo shook his head in denial. "Matter of fact, I've been haggling to get more _pirate ships_ than anything. After what you've been saying, well…" He glanced to the side with a grimace. "It just seems safer is all."

"D'oh…" I thwacked a hand to my forehead. "I didn't expect _that_ to fall under negative consequences of what I did… ugh. Well, see if you can hang at _least_ one visit to Navarone. It'd be for a good cause, and I can vouch for the Marines there."

Coo blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But for now, I've gotta get back. They see I'm missing and decide to run inventory, my ass is as good as plucked and roasted. I guess I'll see you next time you make the big news." He cocked his eyebrow at me with a smirk. "Meaning in about a month, two at most?"

" _You know us so well,"_ Soundbite sneered back.

The albatross grinned cheekily as he saluted, then began flapping away.

"Good to see him again," I mused before turning my attention to my little literary preview I'd been gifted. "Anyways, let's see, where to start…"

"HEY, CHECK IT!" Soundbite whooped eagerly, waving his eyestalk at a packet of papers in the folds. " _OUR BOUNTIES!_ **Damn, that shutterbug** _ **works fast! COME ON, I WANNA SEE**_ _just how steamed the high and holy asshats are!"_

"In a second, in a second, keep your shell on," I waved him off as I set the papers aside. "I'm curious too, but let me check the rest of this thing first, alright? I'll check them out if there isn't anything more impo— _oh holy_ SHITE!" I snapped to my feet as I hastily read over the passage that had caught my eye. "Oooooh… ohoh _oooh,_ this… this has potential."

"THE HELL ARE YOU—!?" I pointed out the article and he read a few lines in before mirroring my grin. " **You're right!** _ **Screw bounties,**_ _this is way more important!"_

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded in agreement as I stored the paper back in my coat and started walking out of the enclosure. "Wake the other three—sorry, four, and tell them to meet me in the street. This is gonna be _good."_

Four bodies promptly jerked awake, and slowly got to their feet, Zoro carrying Merry on his shoulder as they staggered towards me.

"Morning, sleeping beauties!" I greeted them with a cheerful wave. "I take it you all slept we—?"

" **Shut it."**

"— _grk!"_ I choked as my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth.

"Well, at least _that_ still works…" Vivi muttered acridly as she kneaded the bridge of her nose before shooting a glare at me. "Cross, let me be clear here: I am currently weathering a hangover which _you_ caused. This had better be _damn good."_

I whimpered when she suddenly snapped her Cutter's chain taut between her fists.

" _Or else._ **Now talk…"** Vivi narrowed her eyes before snapping them wide in alarm. " **About what you brought us here for!** Damn, that was close."

I sighed in relief as I got control of my tongue back before allowing myself a smirk. "How does another meeting with CP9 sound to you guys?"

_That_ shocked the sleep straight out of them.

"Seriously!?" Merry demanded indignantly. "Those bastards are actually hankering for a round two after you _already_ punted their asses to the curb?"

"Guess we'll just have to do it again…" Nami scowled, the clouds around her starting to darken and crackle.

"Nah, nah, nothing like that," I waved them off casually. "They haven't had any medical treatment in two days, so they're still about as bad off as we left them. All they're planning to do is pass us by while walking down the sea-train tracks."

Zoro cocked his eyebrow at me as he released Kitetsu's hilt. "Then what the hell do you want _us_ for?"

I smirked as I withdrew and unfolded the newspaper. "Because I'd prefer to have some measure of backup with me to deter them from doing anything stupid after they read _this."_

My crewmates leaned in and read the article I was tapping. Then they stared up at me with a combination of shock, horror, disbelief and, in Merry's case, eagerness.

"You can _not_ be serious," Vivi announced.

My smirk widened all the more.

"Oh, good God, he is," Nami said, paling in horror.

"I _really_ love this crew…" Merry sighed joyfully.

**-o-**

The waters running by Water 7 were as placid as they could be on the Grand Line, the Sea Train that ruled the local seas slumbering in its rail yard and nothing bigger than a human disturbing the natural ebb and flow of the waves. Even the Sea Train tracks were stable enough that anyone with sea legs could walk on them reliably… which, as it happened, was exactly what was breaking the calm of the ocean on the borderline between night and day.

To anyone who had recently started serving at Enies Lobby, there was a certain fact of life that would come as an immediate surprise: The Watchdog Unit of the Law may have worked well in conjunction with their riders, and the watchdogs and their riders might have both hearkened to the command of Judge Baskerville, but the one who commanded and tamed the hounds in the first place was Jabra of CP9.

And of equal astonishment, despite the irritability and insubordination that he often displayed as a direct result of his chief, his rival, and his subordinates, the wolf-man also housed a relatively tranquil side that he had passed on to his 'trainees'. Ruthlessness to enemies, yes, but staunch loyalty to allies… whenever his or their bloodlust didn't overcome his pack instinct, at any rate.

Granted, this pack loyalty didn't extend to the many faceless Marines and agents that cycled through the island and treated it like a vacation spot, but it _did_ pertain to their original master and his allies… however often said allies tended to shoot stink-eyes at each other.

And so it was that fifty white wolves padded through the twilight, some carrying other packmembers on their backs, while others supported the agents to whom they had sworn their lives, and subsequently gathered from their places of defeat.

Kalifa, Fukuro, and Kumadori were managing to stiffly march amidst their ranks, while Blueno and Jabra were limping along, supported on both sides by a pair of wolves. However, not all of the agents were quite so well off, and as such Kaku and Lucci were being dragged along on a pair of cots hitched to some wolves, the one barely awake and the other utterly comatose, his pet pigeon drunkenly wobbling on his chest. Their long march had been silent from the moment that Enies Lobby, their ruined home, fell out of their sight. And only now did it break.

"We'll be passing Water 7 soon," Kalifa observed quietly.

"Almost makes me feel wistful," Kaku muttered as he angled the brim of his hat over his eyes.

"I'll admit it wouldn't be unpleasant to go—oh, _honestly?_ " Hattori began before cutting himself off with a groan, causing all present to freeze.

"…Watchdogs, keep moving," Jabra growled.

"Yes, Boss Jabra," the wolves chorused as the company began moving again.

"Alright, and now before anyone gets it into their heads to panic," the Wolf-Zoan bit out. "You all said that that pest Soundbite could be do this subconsciously, right?" He got a nod in response. "Good, that means we're still fine for now. So keep your shit cool, your heads down, and let's get past this place before anyone—!"

" _ **YOU REALLY THINK**_ **you're that lucky?** "

The watchdogs froze, cowering in terror.

"Oh, for the love of God…" Kalifa groaned wearily.

"NO LOVE, _only wrath._ **NOW GET A MOVE ON,** _ **we're waiting for you at the Blue Station."**_

Fukuro tugged nervously on his zipper. "Ah… not that I'm in any way utterly terrified of the concept of running into that crew and their devil-seadog again, but is there… _any_ way past Water 7 that doesn't involve us running into them?"

Blueno hung his head, groaning. "Considering how there's only the one line besides the railyard at Water 7, and the snail will most likely blast my eardrums if it hears an Air Door? Unless you'd all like to take a _swim…_ "

"Let's just take our lumps as they come," Kaku groaned as he waved his hand in defeat. "Best case scenario? Cross rips the _bloodhound_ a new one."

Jabra snarled darkly at the giraffe-man, but he motioned the wolves forward.

The already-tense air around the group grew fit to snap as they approached Water 7, the marching a solemn and nihilistic action on account of the self-evident fate that awaited them.

As the Blue Station steadily came into view, the grinding of Jabra's teeth became increasingly audible, and as they caught sight of none other than Jeremiah Cross himself sitting on the edge of the platform, his legs kicking about casually in the void, said grinding was interrupted by a _very_ audible snap and growl. And Jabra _would_ have most likely tried to take Cross's head off too, were it not for the trio of crewmates looming behind him with their weapons at the ready, with a fourth child-sized one perched on Roronoa's shoulder and _somehow_ looking as menacing as the rest of them.

Cross perked his head up at the snap, shooting a _thoroughly_ aggravating grin at the assassins. "Ahhh, hello there, assassins! Enjoying a lovely night stroll, eh?"

" **SIGNS** _and stench POINT TO—!"_

"Can we please just skip ahead to whatever the hell your point is, chapap _aaaarghhh…"_ Fukuro interrupted with a pained groan as he massaged his skull. "Forty-eight hours later and my head is _still_ ringing like a bell…"

"Not in the mood for my antics, hmm?" he chuckled, shrugging as he waved his hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, I'll go ahead and get to the point: In a nutshell, we're here to make a demonstration of what happens to enemies of ours such as you. Juuust so that there's no mistakes or misunderstandings about our modus operandi, ya know?"

Almost half of the group swallowed heavily at that, including Kalifa, but she steeled her back and glared him dead in the eye, albeit with a slight shiver when the clouds looming above them rumbled ominously. "B-Before you do… _whatever_ it is you plan to do, I have to know one thing: how did you know about my Devil Fruit? _Our_ Devil Fruits?" She swung her arm back at Kaku. "Not even the most famed and accomplished of clairvoyants has ever been able to discern the nature of an unrecorded Devil Fruit, and yet you identified two at once without ever even _seeing them._ How… How is that possible?"

Cross blinked in surprise before slowly letting his grin take on a menacing undertone. "As Kaku said way back when—ya know, when I utterly ruined five years of deep cover work?" The pirate's smirk widened as several of the assassins twitched. "I've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of my knowledge, Kalifa. I know a lot of things that, by all accounts, are utterly impossible for me to know."

" _Things that were… things that are… and some things… that have not yet come to pass,"_ Soundbite sneered in a deep feminine voice that emanated age and wisdom.

"Allow me to demonstrate," Cross continued, tilting his head to the side _just_ so. "The reason you guys are running all the way out here, tails between your legs—some offence—" He directed the comment at the Watchdogs, causing several dozen to start growling. At least, until Soundbite snarled _back,_ reducing them to whimpers. "Is that the Marines started combing through the wreckage of Enies looking for you guys. And they were _not_ doing it for your benefit, were they?"

The assassins shared nervous glances before Jabra responded with a snarl. "Yeah? What the hell of it, you two-bit piece of—?"

"The reason I bring it up," Cross flatly interrupted, all amusement wiped from his face. "Is that I can fill in the blanks you no doubt have. See, after a debacle of _these_ proportions and with us nice and missing, the World Government needed a hide to pin the mess on. Now, I've already guaranteed that they're taking their metric ton of flesh from Spandam, but for something on this scale? It's just nowhere near enough." Cross withdrew a roll of paper from his jacket and tossed it to Kumadori. "That's where _you_ come in."

The kabuki-styled assassin blinked at the newspaper in his hands before unfolding it and giving it a quick scan… which he swiftly followed up with a gasp. "YOYO— _WHAT THE HELL!?"_

"Eh? What is it, what is it? Something juicy?" Fukuro nearly squealed, bouncing up and down in an effort to catch sight of whatever it was his comrade was reading.

"You could say that," Cross mused casually as he made a show of examining the bandages where his fingernails used to be. "That newspaper, which is currently being rush-printed and will be spread across the world come morning, has your names, faces, alternate names and faces, _and_ capabilities spread _all over it."_

_That_ caused each and every one of the assassins to stiffen in shock and horror.

"… _what?"_ Blueno gaped numbly.

"To summarize," Cross continued unhindered. "They're pinning everything on you and your so-called 'incompetence', and have done everything but put bounties on your heads." The pirate looked up, pinning them with a frigid glare. "You all are no longer members of Cipher Pol Number 9 because the World Government has disavowed each and every last one of you, including the legendary Rob Lucci."

" _ **In a word?"**_ Soundbite smiled frigidly. " _You've_ **BEEN** _**BURNED. And when you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. Bottom line: As long as you're burned, you're not going anywhere."**_

"Heh, _nice,"_ Cross chuckled, holding his hand up to Soundbite who eagerly responded with an eye-five.

Fukuro and Kumadori were gaping almost comically, while Kalifa and Blueno looked utterly devastated and Jabra looked fit to rear back and howl, the wolves beside him attempted to console him. And Hattori, for his part, just looked straight-up disgusted.

Finally, Kaku gathered enough strength to lean up on his cot and direct a stare with something very close to hatred at the pirate. "Is that why you came here? It's not enough that you were responsible for all of this, but you have to rub it in our faces and kick us while we're down? Is that the punishment we've earned for what we did to Nico Robin and the rest of your crew?" he asked frigidly.

The other assassins slowly broke out of their stupors to match Kaku's glare.

"Mmm…" Cross tapped his chin in clearly exaggerated thought before shrugging indifferently, _entirely_ unaffected by the sheer force of hate being directed at him. "Nah, that's stupid. After all, you guys aren't our enemies anymore, right?"

_That_ brought the assassins up short, causing them to blink at him in confusion.

"Ah… come again?" Hattori slowly raised his wing in askance. "Come again?"

"Well, sure!" Cross nodded sagely. "Two days ago, we fought each other practically to the death because you lot were all tools of the World Government, following your orders to the letter with dogged persistence and loyalty. But _now,_ the World Government's dropped you all like yesterday's garbage! Know what that makes all of you to us?"

"…nobodies?" Jabra guessed with a snarl.

"Close!" Cross chirped as he dropped his chin onto his fists, his expression serene and casual… up until he cracked open an eye full of menace. "You're a bunch of highly trained and _dangerous_ nobodies who are now out of an employer, and are now in need of a new one."

Fifty jaws hit the tracks, while seven stiffened furiously. "And _you're_ thinking of filling that position, then?" Kaku asked suspiciously.

"Meh, after a fact." Cross waved his hand carelessly before reaching into his jacket. "Ah, before I forget; here, catch." He withdrew an envelope and flung it out to them.

Fukuro caught it and took a single glance inside before reeling in shock. "What the—?!"

"Severance pay for Lucci, courtesy of Iceburg, plus Kaku and Kalifa's. I never got the chance to give it to you at Enies. It should be more than enough to cover your needs for the immediate future. As for long-term…" Cross rolled his finger a bit, prompting Fukuro to draw out a small slip of paper. "I'd suggest you call that there number once you're all free and clear. Trust me, it'll be worth your while. Hell!" He spread his arms invitingly. "I bet you'll wonder whether or not you ever left your previous job.

"…What exactly are you saying, Cross?" Blueno inquired suspiciously.

Cross's smile jerked upwards. "Simply this: You've all dedicated your lives to serving the World Government's justice, and while they have found your results to be lacking, I still see merit in them. As such, I'm offering you all a _new_ justice to follow, one that should, with any luck, prove to be _far_ more appreciative of your time and effort. But hey!" He folded his arms behind his head and started carelessly swaying side to side. "It's just that: an offer. Right now, you have the power and the freedom to make your own path, however and wherever you so choose. Just consider this… a peace offering; after all, if your former allies are now your enemies, why not consider making your former enemies your allies?"

"And you _honestly_ expect us to believe that you'd aid us all so freely after we tried to _kill you all?"_ Hattori asked incredulously.

"What are you, stupid or something?" the girl on Roronoa's shoulder chuckled. "Vivi tried to kill us all within twenty-four hours of meeting us, Nami faked killing Usopp in the East Blue, Sanji and Zoro try to kill each other on a daily basis, and Robin tried to kill Cross within ten minutes of meeting him!"

" **Everybody tries to kill everybody!** _It's how we communicate ON THIS CREW!"_ Soundbite grinned.

"Hell!" Cross threw his hands up with a laugh. "It's how _everybody_ communicates in the Grand Line! It's only when you _actually_ kill someone that there's problems! But, ah, seriously, if it'll help…" Cross waved his hand before his face with a sheepish smile. "I've already tried the whole 'kick 'em while they're down' routine awhile back. Did _not_ end well for me, still hasn't ended yet and I doubt it will for awhile. Trust me, I've learned my lesson: revenge is a bitch on both parties, so…"

He clapped his hands together before his wide smile. "Just trust me on this, m'kay? Because really, now… what _exactly_ do you have besides your lives and the clothes on your backs to lose?"

The assassins exchanged looks for the next minute, an unspoken conversation passing between them. Finally, Kaku responded.

**-o-**

"Pfheheheh…" I chuckled as I watched the large party march off into the distance. "Quite the creative fellow, isn't he?"

"And why exactly are you so chipper?" Nami cocked her eyebrow questioningly as she rested her staff across her shoulders. "Last time I checked, a good negotiation doesn't end when one party cusses out the other."

"Save that that was _all_ they did…" Vivi mused as she followed my line of sight.

"Eh?"

"They didn't toss out the number, witch," Zoro grunted as he dug a pinkie in his ear. "And if they didn't do it now, I'd bet they're not going to do it later."

Nami processed that, blinking rapidly before crossing her arms as she finally turned to watch them. "…Well, how about that… Still, though." She glanced at me uncertainly. "You really think it's a good idea to recruit _them?"_

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Merry shrugged as she slid off of Zoro's shoulder and ambled over to our navigator. "Seriously, what? They betray us? To who? They seek out revenge? They might be jobless, but they're still pros. They prove to be incompetent? We already know they aren't. There's no downside!"

"Admittedly, Lucci _could_ prove to be something of a problem, the bastard is headstrong if nothing else…" I muttered as I rolled my shoulders, popping a few sleepy joints. "But meh, I trust it'll all work out in the end. At the very least, there's no shame in trying."

"Well, when you put it like that…" Nami shrugged as she finally allowed her clouds to lighten up a bit.

"Glad to hear that you approve. Now then, let's—ah!" I started to push myself to my feet, but I paused as a ray of light lanced its way into my eye, forcing me to snap my hand up with a wince. "Geeze, what the—!?…oh. Well, now…" I slowly trailed off as I sat back down, my gaze set dead ahead on the horizon. "Ain't that a helluva sight…"

And damn well it was. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and Paradise was doing its darnedest to earn its title. You ever seen a dawn so beautiful you're just left speechless? Because damn… they don't come often.

"Heh…" Vivi chuckled lightly as she folded her arms before her chest, casually tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It has been awhile since I've actually taken the time to get up and watch it… Now I see what I've been missing."

"Tch," Zoro scoffed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's just a sunrise, nothing special." Nonetheless, we could all hear the grin in his voice.

"Oh, shut up and enjoy the scenery, mosshead," Nami chirped cheerfully, her clouds flicking about casually as she swayed back and forth on her heels.

"Eh, personally I'm of two minds," Merry sighed as she plopped herself in my lap and started kicking her legs thoughtfully. "On the one hand, I'm human now, so I need to sleep, meaning that I won't always be able to watch the sunrise like before…"

" **BUUUUT?"** Soundbite queried.

Merry tilted her head back and grinned eagerly. "But! Now I can share it with all of you, and that makes this _worth it!"_

I smiled endearingly as I leaned forwards and rested my chin on her head.

"Yeah…" I whispered, watching the sun peek over the horizon without so much as a speck of worry for the future.

And so my friends and I, a mere fraction of my family, watched a new day dawn together.

"Yeah, it does."

And so life was good.

**-o-**

A relatively fair distance away from Water 7, Admiral Aokiji peered out of a porthole below the deck of his battleship at that selfsame sunrise with no small amount of melancholy.

The Admiral continued to contemplate the sunrise even as he naturally went about his task, frosty breath exhaling from his mouth and stretching from corner to corner of the insulated room he was in and dropping the temperature to subzero temperatures.

It was an odd order, to be sure, but Aokiji could see the logic behind it, however twisted. In the end, the actions he was taking would ensure the the optimal outcome for the sentence of the World Government's latest prisoner.

For all that he could see the logic, however, Aokiji could not help but harbor doubts after the events of Enies Lobby, but neither could he find the wherewithal to disobey his orders. As such, he dutifully went about his task of renewing the room's cryogenic temperatures before exiting the customized cell.

On his way out, however, he took notice of one of the guards outside snapping his head away in order to hide a grimace.

Aokiji considered him for a moment before sighing as he scratched the back of his skull. "Speak your mind, Marine," the admiral drawled. "I'm not Akainu."

The guard stiffened at being discovered, but after a moment's debate he slowly turned to look his vastly superior officer in the eye with a gaze full of doubt. "This—" he began hoarsely. He coughed and swallowed, and tried again. "Sir, with all due respect, this is… this is not a good idea. More than that, it's… It's foolhardy, _stupid_ even. After everything Jeremiah Cross said on the SBS, with everything going on right now, for us to do… to do _this?"_ The soldier shook his head in denial. "I… this, this could _destroy_ the Marines, sir."

Aokiji silently stared at the guard before shaking his head with another sigh. "Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with you, soldier, and if I could I'd cut him loose here and now… but unfortunately, the orders came down from above my paygrade, so that's a no-can-do."

"B-But surely if you brought it up with Fleet Admiral—!"

"Came down from above Sengoku's head too," Aokiji continued grimly. "And Kong's, to boot."

The guard's words died in his throat as he contemplated those words, and after a moment he slowly turned his head to stare at the freezer door in despair. "Why… Why would they do this, sir?"

"Mmm…" Aokiji scratched at his temple contemplatively. "From what I've heard… they had a plan."

"S-Sir?"

"An old plan," the frigid admiral continued, slowly striding to a nearby wall and sinking down into a sitting position with his elbows rested on his legs. "One they'd had on the backburner for awhile. They were always going to enact it, they were just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. But now…" Aokiji's brow furrowed darkly. "After all that's happened? After the Darkest Day in the History of the World? Apparently… the plan has been changed."

"C-Changed… changed how?"

"Well, before? _He,"_ Aokiji nodded at the door. "Was the endgame of it all. The one true objective and piece they needed. But now…" The Chilly-man jerked his thumb downwards. "Now he's been demoted to a mere lynchpin. Important and optimal, sure, but ultimately replaceable. They're merely using him for some other goal. Something grander than what they had in mind before… something _worse."_

The guard stared at the admiral for a few seconds as he processed that before swallowing heavily. "But… But, sir… People… people are going to _die_ for this plan to succeed…" The man walked to the freezer door, slid open a peephole in the metal, and gazed inside.

"What could possibly justify those deaths? What good could possibly come…" he breathed as he watched the young man slumber within, both on account of the cold and the IV stuck in his arm, a necklace of red beads the only clothing he wore above the waist. "From executing Fire Fist Ace?" He then glanced to the side, eyeing the other two sleeping prisoners with unease. "Not to mention imprisoning Maelstrom Spider Squardo and Ice Witch Whitey Bay?"

Aokiji sighed heavily and made to answer…

"Zehahaha! More than you'd think, little man!"

Only to snap his jaw shut with a barely suppressed snarl when the voice of the newest bane of his existence suddenly grated on his ears. The ice-man glared icicles at the staircase the large figure had descended from. "Blackbeard," he bit out.

"Zehahahahaaa! Awww, c'mon, Aokiji, call me Teach!" Marshall D. Teach laughed uproariously as he entered the room, an audibly halfway-drunk bottle hanging from his hand as he shot a leer at the Admiral. "After all… we _are_ friends, ain't we?"

Aokiji's scowl deepened as his hands snapped into fists, frost swiftly starting to coat his limbs. "We are _not_ friends, Blackbeard."

"Ooooh, but ain't we?" The odious pirate's grin widened malevolently. "Because no matter how you cut it, I do owe you for making all of this possible! That makes you a friend in my book, zehahaha! And as for you!" He snapped his attention back to the guard before Aokiji could respond. "To answer your question…" He snapped his finger up at the door. "I'll have you know that that brat's life is worth more than this entire ship in gold! And his _death_ even moreso… so long as it's carried out properly! ZEHAHAHAHAAAA!"

The guard swallowed heavily as he backed away from the imposing pirate. "I-Is that so?"

"You got that right, bub!"

"GAH!" The Marine stiffened in horror when Blackbeard suddenly slung his _far_ larger arm over the man's shoulders and pulled him close, invading his senses with his rancid breath.

"And believe me, I should know…" Marshall D. Teach grinned maliciously. "After all, I used his life to buy not only my life, but the lives of my crew _and_ my position as a Warlord of the Seas to boot! Ain't that right…"

The Darkness-human slowly turned his smile on the frosted-over admiral in the room.

"Aokiji?"

Kuzan's grimace deepened as he cast his mind back to what the _bastard_ before him was referencing to.

The exact moment when he'd been forced to sell what little of his soul remained to the devil.

The moment he'd saved Blackbeard's life.

**~o~**

" _Hooo…"_ _Admiral Aokiji sighed out a misty breath as he contemplated what remained of the island around him. "Might have overdone it a bit. Sengoku's not gonna let me hear the end of this…"_

_Currently, the admiral and the well-bundled soldiers alongside him were in the process of combing through the icy wasteland that Banaro Island had become. The reason for the recent climate-reassignment was on account of garbled reports coming in that a pair of powerful pirate crews had been tearing apart the island over the course of a full day. And indeed, upon approaching the island, they'd been treated to the sight of an extremely violent fight ripping the land apart, all while a behemoth of a ship rained hot lead upon the field of combat._

_Normally, Aokiji would have spared_ some _measure of restraint or caution in subduing the aggressors, but the fact was that he simply didn't have the time; in the wake of Enies Lobby's destruction, this cataclysm was just one of many,_ many _such crises raging across the world. As such, the best he could do was end matters as swiftly and cleanly as possible._

_This logic, combined with the knowledge that the island's civilians had long since evacuated the surrounding waters, lead to a single inescapable conclusion: an Ice Age, massive in scale, to simply freeze each and every pirate where they stood. Now all they had to do was locate their frozen bodies and either arrest them or eliminate them, depending on how troublesome they were. Nice and eas—_

"S-Sir!" _a Baby Transponder Snail being carried by one of Aokiji's men suddenly squawked up._ "I-I found someone!"

" _Finally…" the ice-man sighed in relief. "Can you identify them?"_

"Ah… n-not quite sir… h-he won't give me his name."

That _brought Aokiji up short. "A…run that by me again, soldier?"_

"I-I, ah… h-h-he's in sector 5, sir. Y-You're gonna wanna come and see this yourself."

_With no small amount of curiosity, the lazy admiral moved in the direction of the sector indicated Someone had managed to evade his Ice Age? Well, if they had a bird Zoan or if they'd been off the ground at the time by some other means, they may have escaped the cold wave._

_The man he soon saw, however, was decidedly not a bird. Rather, he was a fat, hairy, and supremely_ large _apelike man with missing teeth and clothes entirely ill-suited for the climate, sitting cross-legged in a large circle of snow, his arms crossed and frost starting to accumulate on his body as he shivered with obvious discomfort._

_While the man's presence and unfrozen state was concerning in and of itself, there was another factor of the scene that held Aokiji's attention: The man was sitting in the middle of a circle of snow. Not_ ice.

_Aokiji's men each took a nervous step back as the ambient temperature around their superior nosedived, the layers of frost on his body expanding as he took a step forward. "Who the hell are you?" the Admiral demanded._

_The man kept his head bowed, shivering, before finally raising his gaze, the ice on his neck snapping from the movement. "A-A-Admiral A-A-Aokiji…" he bit out painfully, his expression one of grim determination. "G-G-Good… t-t-that's good… T-The Elder Stars… I need you… to call the Elder Stars… Y-Y-You have their number… r-r-right?"_

_Aokiji tensed at the demand, his mind flying as he tried and failed to reason out the logic behind what he was hearing. "And while the hell should I—?"_

" _I-I-I have his s-s-son."_

"… _what?" Aokiji finally asked after a long moment of confused silence._

" _I-I-I said…" the man stuttered out through his chattering teeth. "I-I-I have his s-s-son. T-T-Tell them that. T-T-Tell them… and t-t-they'll want to talk to m-m-me."_

_The Admiral stared silently at the man before shooting a glance at the man in his squad who was carrying the adult Snail. "Get me the Elder Stars, ASAP. Priority one."_

_The soldier was quick to draw out the snail and punch in the number. The gastropod only rang for once before it adopted a stern expression. "Admiral. What are you—?"_

" _I-I-I have his son."_

_The snail stiffened before slowly turning to face the speaker. "What was that?" it quietly but firmly demanded._

_The shivering man snorted as he stared at the snail dead in the eyes. "M-M-My name…" he grit out. "I-I-Is Marshall D. Teach. Y-You would know me better as Blackbeard. And I have his son."_

_Aokiji stiffened at the man's middle initial, but the most powerful men in the world remained stern._

" _How do we know you're telling the truth?"_

" _R-R-Rouge," Teach replied without hesitation._

_The snail fell silent before biting out a 'tsk'. "What do you want?"_

" _Y-Y-You_ know _what I w-w-want."_

_There was another moment of silence before the snail narrowed its eyes. "We could just take him."_

" _N-No, y-you couldn't…" Teach slowly shook his head in grim denial. "I-I-It's taking every ounce of c-c-concentration I have to k-k-keep them all i-i-intact. I-I-If I die, o-o-or lose my f-f-focus, then they'll be lost to the d-d-darkness. And if he d-d-dies here, then it means n-n-_ nothing."

_Later on, Aokiji would not be ashamed to admit that he flinched when Teach leaned forward, so as to better glare at the snail. "You don't," he breathed malevolently. "Have a damn_ choice."

_For a few minutes, even the winds themselves seemed to silence themselves as the world held its breath. And then…_

_The Five Elder Stars sighed in defeat. "As of this moment," one of them bit out grimly. "We the Five Elder Stars hereby deem Marshall D. Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', as Crocodile's replacement for the World Government's sanctioned pirate task force, the Seven Warlords of the Sea, effective immediately."_

_Aokiji felt a lance of existential terror shoot through him at the exact same instant that a massive grin spread across Teach… no,_ Blackbeard's _face._

" _S-Sirs, with all due respect—!" the Admiral started hastily._

" _The decision has been made, Admiral." The Elder Stars cut him off. "Your orders are to escort Blackbeard to your ship and take Fire Fist Ace into custody. This is your_ only _priority now, Admiral. Do we make ourselves clear?"_

" _But, sirs—!"_

" **Do we make ourselves clear, Admiral Aokiji?"**

_The ice-man flinched fearfully as he fought to keep himself conscious. "C-Crystal, sirs."_

" _Good. See to it. We'll contact you again at a later date with further instructions." And with that, the highest powers in the world hung up, leaving Aokiji alone with a monster._

_Said monster chuckled darkly as he slowly made his way to his feet, frost and ice crackling off of him as he moved. "Zehahaha! Ahhh, m-man, that was a c-c-close one! I was almost c-c-completely certain that I was act-t-tually gonna die! Ace and his f-f-friends came_ this _close to d-d-doing me and my boys in…" He directed his smirk at Aokiji. "B-B-But then you saved my a-a-ass with that wave of ice. F-F-Froze everyone else while I j-j-just took it in. H-H-Hurts like a b-b-bitch, but hey!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "I'm alive! A-A-And that's what counts. I-I-I owe you my life…"_

_Blackbeard strode forwards and slammed his hand down on Aokiji's shoulder, leaning his smile in close._

"Friend."

**~o~**

A full two days later, Aokiji was _still_ cursing himself for letting the bastard live and he still dreaded every instant that he was in the man's presence. But even in spite of his revulsion, he couldn't help but ask a single question.

"Why?"

"Eh?" Blackbeard glanced over at the Admiral with a smirk. "Whazzat?"

"I asked you _why,_ you damn bastard," Aokiji demanded venomously. "I looked up your Devil Fruit, Teach. My ice would have been burning your insides the entire time, including the ice of your crew and Ace and his comrades, and once he thawed your doctor treated you for frostbite on over seventy percent of your body. He had to reattach _twelve different digits._ I could hear you screaming the entire time, so I _know_ that it hurt like hell. So why? Why go through all that pain? What's your goal?"

Blackbeard remained silent for a while as he stared at the Marine, before slowly grinning in response.

"You're right," he chuckled. "It did hurt. It hurt worse than getting shot by a Colt .96 sniper rifle, but less than getting flayed by prehensile razorwire. Ironically, it hurt about as much as getting burned alive by my old commander's hottest flames! Oooh trust me, I know pain, Admiral. I know pain like the back of my hand, and every time I meet it it never gets any easier. But ya know what!?"

He thumped a fist to his chest. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how much it all hurts, it doesn't matter what the world does to me, what it throws at me, because I can _take it!_ I'll take it all, every bit of it, wherever and whenever it wants to try! No matter how much it makes me scream, I'll take it all, and then I'll laugh afterwards anyways! And you wanna know why?"

Aokiji practically froze up as darkness started roiling off the man, tongues of pure evil flickering from his body.

"It's simple, really…" he chuckled. "I'll take it all… because it's for the sake of my dream. No matter how much it hurts, I'll bear it so long as it means making my dream come true. And as for my dream… well."

The smile the frostburn-covered man bore did the impossible: it sent shivers down Aokiji's spine.

"Let me sum it up for you."

And so, with darkness roaring off of him like a twisted inferno, Marshall D. Teach proudly proclaimed the sentence that would fill Admiral Aokiji with nothing less than existential despair… and would haunt him for the rest of his life.

" **I AM THE MAN…** _ **WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHAHA!**_ **ZEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!"**

**Patient AN: …the harder they fall.**


	3. Chapter 3

### Chapter 47: OMAKE: Meanwhile...

### Chapter Text

**Omake: Meanwhile…**

**Cross-Brain AN: We intended to put these sections in the last chapter, following the revelation of Luffy's father. They went on too long for that purpose, but were too good to discard, so we made an omake out of them. Let this tide you over, therefore, until we release 44. And just as a note: this** _**is** _ **canon.**

" _Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself stupider than Luffy."_

"Fufufufu," Donquixote Doflamingo chuckled as he strode down the hall of his palace, listening to the SBS on the snail he was carrying as he strode towards his throneroom. "That little revelation was valuable in and of itself, but this? Ahhh, this is just _priceless._ Going so far as to insult Garp the Hero when he's right next to him; Jeremiah Cross has reached either the height of stupidity or the height of bravery, and for the life of me I can't tell which! FUFUFUFU!"

"A-a-a-a very _a-astute_ observation, Young Master! V-Very astute indeed!" Trebol, holder of the Seat of Clubs, nodded with ill-hidden franticness as he followed closely behind the rightly named 'Prince of Evil'. Very closely. "M-M-Mayhaps you'd prefer to discuss it somewhere more p-p-private? Such as, ah… ah, your study! Y-Yes, your study w-w-would be an absolutely perfect place to l-l-listen to the SBS!"

"A-A-Agreed!" Diamante, holder of the Seat of Diamonds, concurred with an equal amount of desperation, ringing his hands pleadingly as he matched pace with fellow executive. He was looming almost as much as Trebol in the process. "O-O-Or, w-we could listen in the a-armory! I-I-I have a number of capes that I would like to hear your o-opinion on, y-young master!"

Doflamingo's smile widened even as his pace failed to falter. "You threw a rager in the throne room while I was away once Diamante got back, and Pica's currently cleaning up the mess while you two try and stall me, isn't he?"

The Executives paled in horror as the blood drained from their faces. "Ah…" they chorused dumbly.

"Fufufufu, don't worry about it," the Warlord chuckled, waving his hand dismissively as the trio reached the doors to the throne room. "Normally I'd have all three of you scrubbing the arena from top to bottom by hand, but at the moment I'm both too entertained and too exhausted from two days of trying to keep Big Mom and Kaidou from sinking a few islands to be bothered. To summarize."

Trebol and Diamante panicked when he started to reach for the doors. "Young master, _wait—!"_

Doflamingo ignored them and pushed the doors open. "I really just can't be both—!"

And then Donquixote Doflamingo, AKA the Heavenly Demon and 'Joker' froze, his almost ever-present smile freezing in place.

He stood still for a second before slowly shutting the doors to his throne room, before slowly reopening them.

Trebol and Diamante stiffened in terror when, after shutting them a second time, Doflamingo's smile started to twitch.

" **Trebol…"** he grit out venomously, inane amounts of pure rage reverberating in his voice and crushing the pair's souls. " **Diamante… Would the two of you mind telling me…"**

Doflamingo suddenly lashed his foot out, kicking the doors inwards.

" **WHAT THE HELL ONE OF THE FOUR EMPERORS IS DOING** _ **IN MY CASTLE!?"**_ he roared irately.

The Emperor in question blinked at the Warlord in surprise before smiling and waving pleasantly. "Oh, hey there, Doflamingo!" Red-Haired Shanks greeted cordially. "Sorry for our intruding like this, it was an accident on our part. We'll just gather our belongings and be on our way! Now…" Shanks frowned as he idly scratched at his boxers. "Where the hell are my pants?"

"Over here, Boss!" Lucky Roux called from a corner of the room, waving from where he was seated in front of a bonfire. "Sorry, but I kinda used them to light the barbeque! Don't worry, though, it'll be worth it! I know a _great_ recipe for Fried Fighting Fish! Now all we need are the ingredients!" The rotund pirate glanced around in confusion. "Speaking of which, where _is_ that old gee—?"

_SMASH!_

"Did someone say _**G?!"**_ Lao G called out as he kicked his way up through the floor.

"Never mind!"

"Also, I have returned!" the ancient martial-artist snorted proudly. "In addition, I bring fighting fish for us to feast upon!" With a single heave, the old man hefted a large skewer into the room, upon which a trio of fighting fish was impaled.

Or rather… two fighting fish were impaled, and a half was _tied_ to it.

"YOU DAMN SENILE COOT!" Dellinger roared furiously as he struggled against the chains tying him to the spit. "I'M NOT A FIGHTING FISH, I'M HALF FIGHTING FISH- _MAN!_ LET ME GO ALREADY!"

"Hm?" Lao G paused for a second before fishing out a pair of glasses from his jumpsuit and holding them to his eyes as he peered up at the spit. "Hmmmm… how odd. One of these fish almost looks like Dellinger."

"ARE YOU—!? Oh, right… SONNUVA—! DAMN IT BUFFALO, HURRY THE HELL UP AND UNTIE ME! THESE BASTARDS ARE GOING TO _FRY ME ALIVE!"_

"HAHAHAHA!" a boisterous voice cackled through the hole in the floor. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO STEAL MY ICE CREAM! HAHAHAHA!"

"GRAAAAAGH!"

Doflamingo's eyebrow twitched viciously as he observed the madness before him, his mind trying and failing to process just what the _hell_ was going on. He slowly turned his head to glare daggers at the yet-petrified Executives behind him. " **What. Happened."**

"Ah, sorry, this was actually our fault."

The Warlord snapped his head around to glare at another familiar face. " **Benn Beckman. Explain."**

The first mate of the Red-Haired Pirates sighed wearily as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, you see, what with the fact that our captain has something of an investment with the Straw Hats, hearing them set a new threshold for insanity in Paradise was a cause for celebration. So, we decided to throw a party—!"

"Or 'start a rampage', as the World Government likes to call it," Yasopp air quoted from where he and a snoring Machvise were hanging from the chandelier by their whitey-tighties.

"Yeah, what he said," Benn nodded up at him. "Anyways, we started a rampage, both to celebrate and to draw some heat from Luffy, and well… seeing as our parties can get pretty crazy, we wound up on your island. Sorry 'bout the city, by the way."

That actually brought Doflamingo up short for a moment. "The city? What about the—?"

He was cut off by the minute tell-tale warping sound of Pica surfacing from the floor behind him.

"Pst! Trebol! Diamante!" the holder of the Spades Seat hissed. "I managed to hide just how wrecked the city is from the young master, and I should be finished with repairing all the damage to the rest of the city in a few hours! Just distract him until then and— _GRK!"_ Pica squeaked off when he finally noticed Doflamingo glaring at him over his shoulder. "A-A-Ah… w-w-welcome back, y-young master?"

Doflamingo held the glare for another second before turning his scathing look back on Beckman. "As for you," he hissed frigidly. "The Straw Hats finished leveling Enies Lobby _two days ago."_

Benn blinked in surprise. "Seriously? Huh, well isn't that something." The infamous first mate turned and shouted over his shoulder. "Hey Captain, forty-eight hours this time!"

"Woo!" Shanks shot his fist up victoriously. "New record! Let's party!"

Doflamingo's smile was in immense danger of falling into a scowl as he took note of much of his family's voices cheering alongside the rest of the Red-Haired Pirates. " **Where. Are. The others?"**

"Er… w-well," DIamante glanced to the side nervously. "Besides the ones who are here, Monet is down in the toy factory with Sugar—"

"Maintaining her guard and keeping production going?" Doflamingo growled menacingly.

"…helping her suffer through her prepubescent body not handling ingesting half her bodyweight in alcohol well?" The lord of the colosseum shrank back in terror as the vein on the Warlord's head _audibly_ popped.

"Uh, besides that," Trebol started hastily ticking down his fingers. "The Red-Hairs tied Gladius and Jora to the roof after their powers caused too much trouble for everyone else, Senor Pink is skinny-dipping… _somewhere_ in the castle, we've been trying to catch up with him, last I saw of Baby Five she was using her own fingers to play stabscotch, and Violet is… shall we say, 'keeping the peace' in the colosseum."

Doflamingo slowly turned his glare on the keeper of the Club Throne. " _Is she now."_

"Er…" Trebol literally shrank in on himself as his body started to run. " _Maybe_ she said something about a family reunion?"

Doflamingo slowly and methodically snorted as he forced himself to stay calm. "If that's everything—!"

The Executives started to sigh in relief… before snapping ramrod straight in terror as a familiar form rounded the corner. "I'm back with the Wano Rice Wine, but I forgot my sword while I was there."

"You're not a swordsman," the Executives intoned reflexively, before wincing as _that_ only caused Doflamingo to tense further.

Vice Admiral Vergo took one look at the party assembled before him before spinning on his heel and marching right out without a further word.

The very air around Doflamingo seemed to shiver as he vibrated in place, and the Executives nearly fainted when they noticed the walls starting to _literally_ come undone at the seams. " **RED-HAIRED SHANKS. TAKE. YOUR MANGY CREW. AND GET.** _ **THE HELL. OUT OF MY DAMN—!"**_

" _Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"_

The room fell silent.

"…The height of stupidity, I think is the answer you were looking for, Doffy," Diamante whispered at last.

"I think you're right," Doflamingo said, his smile returning. "Now, where was I… oh, right."

Outside, the city-state of Dressrosa was just starting to return to a relative degree of normalcy when a furious voice cracked the air.

" _ **GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAMN KINGDOM!"**_

**-o-**

Several minutes later, on another side of the world, while a certain old man and a certain old woman rejoiced over the global humiliation of a certain Vice Admiral, a certain mountain bandit glanced at a certain bartender inquisitively. "Ah, say, Makino? Mind if I ask you a question?"

"Hm?" Makino perked up as she glanced at the bandit. "What is it, Dogra?"

"Eh, it's nothing important, really," the diminutive outlaw waved his hand casually. "I was just wonderin' about how come you're always so calm and chipper around us? I mean, come on!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "We might be remakin' this place into a Luffy-themed dive, but we're still mountain bandits and you're just a bartender in that sleepy village."

Makino thought about the question for a moment before chuckling endearingly. "Heh, I suppose that's as good a question as any, and truth be told the answer is twofold. The first and more important reason is that you were the ones who raised Luffy and his brothers. And… well, they're practically family to me."

"Fair point. And the second?"

"Well, several years ago, a large group of bandits came into my bar, made a mess of things and then went on to almost kill someone who I very much consider to be the closest person I have to a son. After that happened, weeell…"

_THUNK!_

Magra and Dogra paled in horror when, without even missing a beat, Makino drew out a shotgun from beneath the bar and slammed it onto the bartop, smiling angelically all the while.

"I decided that I'd never, _ever_ let something like that happen in my bar ever again." Makino slowly leaned forwards, a shadow passing over her smile. "Are we clear?"

"Crystal, Boss!" the bandits yelped as they instinctively snapped into salutes.

And just like that the shadow was gone and Makino was back to her usual, motherly self. "Glad to hear it. More rum?"

"HAHAHA!" Dadan cackled from across the bar. "Atta girl, Makino! Women's pride, all the way!"

"I _knew_ I should have run off that damn Red-Haired bastard when I had the chance…" Woop Slap bemoaned into his mug. But that lasted all of five seconds before he let himself grin again. "Eh, I'll grouse about that later, I'm too happy hearing Garp getting his to be pissy! Makino, more booze!"

And so the party continued.


	4. Chapter 4

### Chapter 48: Chapter 44: A King's Ransom! A Thousand Suns of Adventure Rise For A New World!

### Chapter Text

**Chapter 44**

**Patient AN: Bad news: We're giving you another cliffhanger to end this chapter.**

**Xomniac AN: Good news: it's a laugher, not a chiller!**

**Hornet AN: Boooooo!**

**Cross-Brain AN: Ah, yes, and one more thing before we begin, regarding the revelations of Chapter 850. To the great Eiichiro Oda:**

**We dare to enter into your world. You, who demonstrate time and again exactly why it was you who created the best manga of all time.**

**We are not worthy. Odds are that we never will be.**

… **But that will** _ **not**_ **stop us from trying.**

After watching the sunrise with my friends, I'd been totally ready to hit the hay and recover from one _hell_ of an eventful day. Unfortunately, my heartfelt desire for sleep was firmly overruled.

By whom, you ask? Why, by none other than a certain _sadist of a first mate who shall remain unnamed, that's who!_ Said sadist announced this particular veto by grabbing my collar and bodily dragging me inside away from where everyone was sleeping. I was a _bit_ ticked off at first, but that feeling promptly evaporated when he dragged in Leo and Funkfreed as well, and explained what he was doing.

According to Zoro, apparently I'd made something of a… tactical error in accepting Funkfreed as my new melee weapon: unlike Lassoo, with whom I had some margin of error where his handling was concerned, wielding a blade like Funkfreed required actual training, even if I wasn't aiming to be a master of the blade. As such, in order to make me halfway competent with a sword, he'd be adding onto my training regimen with Leo's aid, effective immediately.

Which leads us to…

"Move your arm up. I said _up,_ Cross."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Not that high!"

"Grmble…"

_This._ With the 'this' in question being me holding a de-leafed stick in my hand as I tried to follow the trio's directions on how to take a proper stance for holding a cavalry sabre like Funkfreed. And of course, due to my teachers being a master-grade swordsman, a prodigal Grand Line-grade swordsman, and an actual living sword, the margin of error I was being allowed for my movements was nonexistent.

"How's this?" I asked, lowering my arm in an effort to please my taskmasters.

"No, you need to raise it—!" Zoro started to order me.

"Here, let me!" Leo offered, hastily waddling up to me with his sheathed blades in his hands, following which he started poking my limbs into position. "Here, widen your stance like _this_ , position your free arm over _here_ , aaaand make sure that you have your blade angled like _that._ Ah, and keep your body pointed _that way,_ the whole time too. Get it?"

"Ah…" I blinked in surprise as I realized that he'd angled my body in such a manner that my makeshift 'blade' was parallel to my torso, rather than perpendicular. "Oh, I see! So basically, I'm supposed to use you more like I'm fencing, is that right?"

"More or less," Funkfreed nodded in agreement, shaking his mass slightly in the process. Said mass was naked to the world, as we'd removed the leather harness he'd been wearing before, though hopefully getting him a new sheath would give him something new to wear. "It's a more strength-oriented style than fencing, but there's still some precision to it that should be observed."

"Well, at least now I have _something_ to go off of," I muttered as I started to adjust my stance appropriately.

"While I'm thinking about it, Cross, why did you convince Funkfreed to join you?" Zoro asked with honest curiosity. "The last time I checked, you said that you didn't have the training or discipline to handle an actual weapon. Were you expecting him to do most of the work, like Lassoo?"

I shook my head at Zoro as I popped up a pair of fingers. "Two reasons. First, the obvious one: when there's money on the table, you _never_ leave it there. Not taking Funkfreed meant either letting him go back to the Marines, letting some other crew try and claim and tame him, or letting him go off solo, none of which were good options."

"I'm with him there!" Funkfreed shot his trunk up in agreement. "If the higher-ups were willing to throw even Rob Lucci to the wolves, then I don't even want to think about what they would have done to me! And in case you haven't noticed, not a lot of other crews are even _close_ to as nice as you guys!"

"…mmph, fair enough," Zoro begrudgingly admitted. "Still, this is a big shift from your old mindset. What happened to learning how to wield a sword being too much trouble?"

I spread my arms demonstratively. "It's usually not a phrase to use, but that was then and this is now. When I made that proclamation I was just a glass-boned amateur who was barely getting by with my brains, and who was only ever getting into fights with the weakest of mooks. I think it should be obvious that I'm _not_ that person anymore, most importantly because of the target I've decided to paint on my back. My baton was all well and good up until now, but _now_ is when things start ramping up more than ever. So if I'm going to be equal to the task at hand…" I shot a look over at Funkfreed. "Then I'm going to need the tools for the job. And for the record, I _am_ trying to learn how to wield those tools properly, you know! Have I tried to leave even once while you bastards have been shoving me around!?"

"Ah…" Leo hesitated slightly at that before glancing at Zoro. "He… does have a point, you know?"

Zoro responded with a flat glare. "And you think this matters to me?"

"Not at all, sir!" the dugong yelped fearfully as he snapped to attention.

I felt a shiver of terror shoot up my spine as I sensed a not-subtle amount of menace in the three-sword-master's tone. "Ah-ah-ah-HEY!" I squawked hastily. "S-S-Seeing as I've at least managed to achieve a stance that's only _semi-_ horrible—"

"ONLY _just,"_ Soundbite snarked from inside his shell.

"It's a _dark_ day when I agree with the snail," Zoro said pointedly.

I barely withheld a whimper at the implication. "M-May I take a _small_ break, just for a moment, to check out Funkfreed's abilities? I-I-I'm gonna learn, I swear, b-b-but they're still a major part of the equation, remember!?"

Zoro glared at me, visibly debating with himself before sighing and waving his hand. "Make it fast."

I did _not_ sigh in relief as I dropped my branch and gesturing animatedly at Funkfreed, and the elephant in question quickly transformed himself to fit my grip. As I watched his metamorphosis from flesh to tempered steel, a thought occurred to me. "Ah… hey, just curious here, but _why_ am I using a branch instead of Funkfreed? Or hell, even a _bamboo_ sword?"

"Now _that,_ I can answer myself!" Leo cheerfully announced before going serious again. "Simply put, you don't even _deserve_ to touch a bamboo sword yet, much less a real one!"

"…what," I responded intelligently.

"Well, what did you expect!?" the dugong barked indignantly. "You're used to flailing a baton about without even a scrap of finesse or skill, and as such we're not even _close_ to trusting _you_ with a tool even remotely resembling a katana. Hell, it'd be a disgrace to swordsmen everywhere if you even touched something resembling a sword!"

"As it is," Zoro cut in, taking a menacing step forward. "I'm barely keeping myself from knocking Funkfreed out of your hands due to my memories of you 'wielding' him back on the Bridge, so whatever the hell you're going to do—!"

I swallowed audibly as I processed the unspoken threat before snapping my attention down to Funkfreed. "So! Funkfreed! Something I've noticed about Zoan types: your transformations can either be slow and gradual, like how Lucci did it, or practically instantaneous, like Chopper or Lassoo. Is there any reason you choose gradual? I mean, Lucci could snap to his beast form in an instant, so I know you can do it either way."

"Huh, good catch…" Funkfreed said, sounding impressed. "And yeah, I can. There's just always been an issue doing it, so…"

"Hm…" I hummed thoughtfully before shrugging and pointing him forwards at the empty air. "Well, no better time than the present. Go ahead and transform at full speed, and I'll see if I can help with whatever's going wrong, alright?"

"Uhhh… Well, if you say so…" the elephant-sword said uncertainly. "Here goes!"

There was a sudden blur of motion—

THUMP! "GWAH!" " _ **SONNUVA!"**_

And then I found myself groaning on my back, my ass firmly buried in a trench that my own behind had dug. Sweet _Christ_ my tailbone ached, and if my clothes hadn't been designed for that kind of abuse I'd probably be needing a new pair of pants too.

" _What_ JUST **hit** _ **US?"**_ Soundbite moaned as his shell spun in place next to me.

"If I had to guess?" I groused as I slowly worked my way to my feet, rubbing at my aching rear. "One of Newton's laws, though damned if I know which."

"Yeeeaaah, sorry about that," Funkfreed chuckled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head with his trunk. "Hey, look on the bright side: you handled that better than Spandam. When he was on the receiving end of that impact, his arm broke in three places."

I graced the elephant with a flat look. "And me doing better than _him_ is supposed to reassure me _how_ exactly!?"

"Eh…" The Zoan-weapon flinched uncomfortably as he thought that over. "Yeah, fair enough."

"Mrgh… alright, anyways, let's see…" I muttered as I started patting off the dirt on my rear. I mulled over the issues of the transformation: the recoil kicked like a mule, and I doubted that even if I braced myself I'd be able to handle all of it, so how…?

"Now, there's a thought…" I muttered, cupping my chin. "If physics are the issue, then maybe—?"

" _CARE TO SHARE?"_ Soundbite groused. "AND ALSO TO **get me out of the** _ **DIRT!?"**_

"Ah, right, sorry," I apologized as I picked him back up and returned him to my shoulder. "And Funkfreed, back to sword. I've got an idea."

"Ah… alright, then," Funkfreed said as he returned to his natural form. "And that idea would be…?"

"Physics are what's screwing us over," I mused, raising my free hand to grip Funkfreed's hilt as I drew him up in preparation for a stab. "But with any luck, they can _un-_ screw us in the same breath. Alright, let's try this again. On three, one two _three!"_

I stabbed forward with my sword, and smirked victoriously as the force of my stab served to counterbalance the gravitational force or momentum or whatever it was that resulted from Funkfreed's transformation, resulting in me only skidding back a foot or two.

"Second try? Not bad," Leo remarked.

"Now do it again," Zoro ordered. "Until you can do it one-handed and without getting pushed back."

"Pff, dumbass," I snorted derisively as I drew Funkfreed back in preparation and readied myself again. "I was planning on doing that from the beginning."

The corner of Zoro's mouth twitched as I brought the blade forward again. But for all my bravado, it still took twelve more tries before I felt confident enough to take one hand off of it. Bracing myself, I stabbed… and felt myself slide back the slightest bit.

I glanced downwards with a cocked eyebrow. "Thiiiis could take awhile…"

As a matter of fact, it took a half hour and more repetitions of the stab than I care to remember, not even mentioning the 'advice' (read: haranguing) from Leo and Zoro. But, for all that the experience was long and harrowing, the end result was that I could reliably handle Funkfreed's instantaneous stab one-handed.

Case in point, I stabbed Funkfreed forward and drew him back in a single smooth motion, resulting in sudden displacement of air and not much else. "Niiiice," I grinned eagerly as I looked Funkfreed over. "This is going to be _very_ useful. How do you feel about naming that little game-changer 'Pachy-Charge'?"

"Better than naming it 'Elephant Stab.' Spandam probably would have done that. I mean, he wasn't _bad_ at naming attacks, per se," Funkfreed conceded. "But they were pretty uncreative. 'Ivory Dart' was insensitive enough already."

" _Honestly, your opinion_ IS ONLY PARTLY _NEEDED._ _ **We have a theme goin',**_ **AND WE AIN'T CHANGING IT for an oversized mouse."**

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS DAMN VOICE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

" _ **AND YOUR POINT IS…?"**_

"Gonna kill you someday…"

"Anyway, now that that's worked out…"

I very slowly turned around to the sight of Zoro cracking his knuckles as he and Leo started to stalk towards me.

"Hey hey hey, no need for that!" I yelped, backing up fearfully. "I've got that down, I'll drop him on my _waaaait a minute!"_ An eager grin flashed onto my face as a new idea blazed in my mind. "Funkfreed, how hard is it for you to pull that transformation? Is it tiring, or—?"

"Ah… no, not at all?" the elephant-sword answered hesitantly. "It's pretty much like breathing, totally effortless. Why?"

"You'll see," I giggled gleefully as I took my ready stance, energy tingling through me in anticipation of what I was about to unleash. "Just extend when I extend and withdraw when I withdraw. Now… _let's go!"_

And with that I shot my arm forward, resulting in my partner's massive girth suddenly occupying the space before me for all of five seconds before I drew my arm back, causing him to vacate the space just as swiftly as he appeared.

And then I stabbed him forward and withdrew again the next second. And _then_ I did it again, and again and again, over a dozen times in a row before I was forced to stop on account of my arm starting to ache.

I capped the display off by withdrawing Funkfreed and using him to sweep away the cloud of dust he'd kicked up before me. Balancing his blade on my shoulder, I grinned at my onlooking tutors. "And _that_ is what we'll be calling Pachy-Pede. Thoughts, comments…?"

Leo silently worked his jaw before slapping his flippers together and sucking in a deep breath. "I don't know about him," he announced, casually jabbing his flipper at Zoro. "But _I'm_ impressed. Get a foe between that and a hard place and I doubt they'll have much luck at walking away. Since you're asking, though… Funkfreed, your body is prehensile in its hybrid form, correct?"

"Ahwha…?" Funkfreed groaned dizzily before coughing as he got his mind back in gear. "Ah… yeah, yeah, I can control it. Why?"

"Well, I noticed that while you were attacking you only fired in a straight line," Leo explained. "That might be easier on you, but it'll let your opponent hold a guard. Better that you vary your position with every strike, so that between your tusks and trunk they don't know what's coming from where. That way…" He popped a thumbs-up (somehow), flashing a winning smile our way. "It'll be like they're getting mowed down by a _real_ stampede."

"Huh…" my blade whistled thoughtfully before vibrating in what I took to be a nod of agreement. "Alright, that works! Thanks for the advice!"

I nodded at the dugong in agreement before looking at Zoro, who was still frowning. "It's a good technique, and it'll definitely be a good way to use the sword. I might even have to try duplicating that force with a stab instead of a slash… but unless you have any other ideas, _can we get back to swordsmanship now?"_ The barely-restrained savagery in his voice sent chills up and down my spine.

"Alright, alright, keep your blades leashed!" I replied, before continuing under my breath, "God knows what at least _one of them_ would do to me…"

"Good," Zoro grunted. "Because now it's time for you to actually wield a sword."

For one bright, shining moment, I actually felt _excited_. And then the fact that both Zoro _and_ Leo were fingering their hilts hit me like one of Nami's punches.

"Right, then!" I squawked fearfully, hastily dropping Funkfreed in favor of whipping out a pack of wrinkled papers from my jacket and holding them before me like the shield they were. "Before you both tan my hide ten different shades of black and blue, who's up for checking out the bounties Coo dropped off for us last night along with the newspaper?"

The two swordsmen froze, glancing at one another silently before letting go of their blades.

"Well, he's not dumb," Leo concluded. When Zoro shot a disbelieving look at him, he raised his flippers defensively. "Hey, I'm not saying he isn't an idiot, I'm just saying he's not _dumb._ There's a difference."

Zoro grunted in begrudging agreement before stalking past me. "You live for now, Cross. We'll just kick your ass twice as hard for twice as long later. Now hurry up and get a move on."

I swallowed heavily as I tried to keep my nerves in check. I _also_ tried to find some route of escape, but that hope died a painful death when Leo's sheathed blade poked at my back, the sound of him chuckling all I needed to hear to know about my chances.

Soundbite's _very_ helpful commentary on this development was to toll out a funeral bell as he cackled.

"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture…" I groused as I walked after Zoro, hands raised above my head in surrender.

**-o-**

When we returned to our temporary HQ, our friends were all up and milling about their early-morning business. Naturally, that all changed when I displayed the sheaf of papers in my possession and announced their nature.

From there, our friends' reactions fell into three distinct categories.

"WOOHOO, NEW BOUNTIES ARE HERE!"

" _BOUNTIES! BOUNTIES! BOUNTIES!"_

First, there were the overtly enthusiastic members who'd formed an impromptu can-can line and were dancing around and cheering their hearts out. Naturally, this faction was headed up by Luffy and was composed of Merry, Raphey, Mikey and Chopper. I wasn't expecting the inclusion of Usopp, but I suppose that he _was_ getting more and more confident as of late. I'd have to factor that into Thriller Bark, sure, but meh, I doubted it would be _that_ hard.

My eye twitched when… pretty much every inch of ragged or melted flesh on my body suddenly decided to blaze.

On second thought, maybe playing it by the ear _wasn't_ the best of ideas, especially considering how things usually wound up biting me in the ass once we actually reached them.

Anyway, moving on to the second group…

"Lemonade, ladies?" Sanji crooned, setting a tray with several decorated glasses on the table, his calm tone belying the excitement that was so _obviously_ coursing through him. Just look at how he was shaking with repressed glee! At least, I hope that was repressed glee.

"Why, thank you, Sanji," Robin purred as she accepted the drinks—all of them—and started passing them out to the others sitting at the table, which is to say Conis, Su, Zoro, Boss, Leo, and a somewhat twitchy Vivi. The archaeologist grinned just a little too innocently as she took a sip of her drink. "So, would anyone care to place a wager on their bounties? Losers have to guard the winner's food from Luffy for a week. I myself wager that they'll merely raise mine by a million. It _is_ quite substantial as is, you know."

"Oh, I'm in, I'm in!" Su called out as she waved her paw eagerly. "For me… mmm, a cool mil would be good, I don't want to get too fluffy for my fur."

Leo snorted a laugh into his lemonade. "Come again?"

"It's a fox saying, look it up." Said fox jerked her nose up in a proud sniff before grinning at her owner. "And what about you, Conis? Considering your storming of the train and the sheer amount of firepower you brought to bear, I'd saaay…" She tapped her chin thoughtfully before perking up in realization. "Somewhere higher than our good Princess's first bounty, but lower than her new one."

"W-What?!" Conis gasped in shock, her hands slapping to her cheeks as a demure blush came over her face, starting to squirm in her seat in embarrassment. "T-To inherit Vivi's bounty, or even surpass it… n-no, no, I couldn't! I'm nowhere near worthy of an honor such as that!"

"Ahh, don't be that way!" Leo chuckled into his drink. "After all, you _are_ a prominent member of the crew, so you're definitely getting a bounty! Me, on the other hand? Nada. Easy money says I'll just get rolled up in Boss's—!"

_THWACK!_

"—YEOW!"

"Don't be an idiot, Leo," Boss snorted, lowering the flipper he'd smacked Leo upside the head with. "You're one of my best students, and you're all impressive besides. You'll get your bounty…" He glanced upwards thoughtfully. "And… honestly, I'm thinking mine won't break 100 million."

"What!?" Leo cried in shock. "But, Boss—!"

Boss silenced his disciple with a raised flipper. "I pulled a few impressive feats of my own, I won't deny that, and with the development of the Full Shell Style, I imagine I'll only grow stronger from here. But for now, I'm still a novice. I don't deserve a bounty that high."

"B-Boss…" Leo sobbed before wiping his face with his flipper. "I'm moved! Such humility! To think you'd even accept a bounty that's as low as dirt!"

"Moron!"

_THWACK!_

"YEOW!" Leo yelped as he got thwapped _again._

"Now, listen here, you little pup!" Boss snorted proudly as he jabbed his cigar at his student. "I might be humble, but I've still got _some_ measure of pride, damn it all! I might not break 100, but I will _definitely_ pass 50! Heck…" He puffed his chest out proudly. "Forget 50, I'll pass 75, easy! And my next one? _That'll_ be 100 plus without a doubt, and don't you damn well forget it!"

"I… see…" Leo muttered as he rubbed his head. "How… _humble_ of you…"

"So, is that your bet, Boss?" Robin asked with a smile.

"You better bet your bottom beri it is!" the dugong nodded firmly before shooting a look at the final member of their gathering. "And what about you, princess? Care to share your thoughts?

Vivi graced the martial-arts master with a dry look before turning her attention to the table as a whole. "My thoughts? Simple: you're all twisted. In case you've all forgotten, you're betting on exactly how much the World Government and every willing bounty hunter in the world wants you _dead_. Doesn't that disturb any of you in any way? Or strike you as the _least_ bit morbid?!"

A silence hung over the table for a second before Robin cocked her head to the side with a smile. "So, I take it you _won't_ be participating then, your highness?"

Vivi met the archaeologist's gaze unflinchingly… before glancing to the side with an embarrassed blush and a pout on her face. "60 to 65 and not a beri more," she reluctantly mumbled out.

A shocked silence fell over the table as everyone stared at her, a silence which she punctuated by audibly slurping on her drink's straw. And a further disturbance came in the form of a rather familiar noise.

"AHHH, VIVI-SWAN IS SO CUTE WHEN SHE'S BETTING ON THE VALUE OF OUR LIVES!" Sanji cried as he spun up into yet another of his Love Hurricanes.

"Don't say it like _that,_ moron!" Vivi protested, her blush going fully luminescent.

"AND EVEN CUTER WHEN SHE'S BERATING ME~!"

"Tch, dumbass…" Zoro grunted, rolling his eyes. "Bah, whatever. Anyway, mine's definitely breaking 100, easy. At the least…" The swordsman's grin widened as he glanced at our cook. "I'm going to be worth _double_ the cook."

Sanji's hurricane spun out as he ground to a halt, slowly turning his head to glare daggers at Zoro. "Say that again, mosshead."

Zoro's grin took on a predatory gleam as he met the cook's gaze head on. "You heard me, shit cook."

"I SAID SAY IT AGAIN, MARIMO!"

"I'M NOT REPEATING SHIT TO YOU, SWIRLY-BROW!"

I sweatdropped as the two slammed their foreheads together. Yeah, the second group was the quiet ones. Quiet in comparison to the loud ones, at least. For the most part, they were the ones waiting to hear the new prices on our skins with relative calm.

" **HEADS UP!"**

"GAH!" I cried, feeling a chair pass through my hair.

_Very_ relative calm.

Anyways… for the final group? It was tiny, composed of only three individuals.

"Why are they all so calm?" Nami moaned as she curled up beside Carue, displaying an odd combination of body language that conveyed both depression and a hint of fear. The duck, for his part, was holding his wings to his bill and chattering his teeth in a manner I could only imagine was his version of nail-biting. No surprise from those two. But the third did come as something of a surprise.

"Because they're all either jaded or _insane_ ," Donny intoned as he repeatedly bounced his head in the groove he was wearing into the wall. "Would you rather be one of _them_ instead?"

Nami's miserable whine was answer enough.

I spent a moment taking in the scene before glancing at the posters in my hand, opening my mouth to draw everyone's attention. Before I could say boo, however, I caught sight of the face on the frontmost poster, and I snapped my mouth shut as I began rifling through the stack.

"CROSS!"

I then nearly dropped the stack as Luffy's sharp yell drew everyone's attention.

"No peeking ahead!" Luffy ordered with a huff. "Things have changed from what you know, right? So that means our bounties are different too! You should be just as surprised as the rest of us!"

"Oooh, too late on that count, Luffy," I drawled as I went right back to picking out the bounties I was looking for. "I hadn't looked at the posters until now, so I only just now realized that Coo got us a full stack of new bounties, rather than just our crew's."

"Wait, what?" Vivi asked incredulously before glancing down as she cupped her chin. "You mean… no, of course not all of those bounties are ours, something like this would have every remotely notable bounty in the Grand Line. But whose bounties are you looking for if they're not ours?"

I smirked as I continued rifling through the posters, picking out the pictures I needed and holding them up. "Why, our competition's, of course."

All noise died as everyone stared at me in different variations of shock and awe.

"Cross…" Conis started hesitantly. "D-Did you just say… 'competition'?"

I shot a smug smirk at her. "But of course. What, did you really think that we were the only pirates on the Grand Line? Or at least, the only ones of our caliber?" I chuckled as I shook my head. "Sorry… but no. Luffy will be king, that's a given, but there are others who want a say in the succession, too."

I held up the bounties. " _At least_ nine others, to be exact. Nine other pirates who did the unprecedented and achieved bounties topping over _100 Million_ in an extremely short amount of time upon starting their careers as pirates. Collectively, alongside those of us on this crew who would have also been worth over 100 Million—that is, Luffy and Zoro—they are known in this era as the Eleven Supernovas. The most powerful rookie pirates of this generation. And you wanna know the _real_ kicker in all that?"

I leaned forward, locking eyes with Luffy as I spoke the next words.

"I hardly know spit about most of them."

Luffy's interest was piqued immediately, and the rest of the crew reacted half in dread, half in eagerness.

"Define 'hardly anything,' Cross," Raphey requested, now gazing hungrily at the posters I was holding.

I maintained my smirk as I tapped the posters with the back of my hand. "Their names, the names of their crews, snippets of their personalities, and the briefest glimpses into the natures of their abilities…" I drew out a pair of posters from the stack and let the crew see them. "With only _two_ exceptions." I slid one out so that the owner's shark-toothed grin was visible. "The first, of course, is an old friend of ours: the captain of the Barto Club Pirates, Bartolomeo, A.K.A. 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo."

"Ah… wait, 'fwiend?'" Carue asked cautiously. "Whaddaya mean? Aye don't wemembah evah meeting him…"

"It was right before we set sail for the Grand Line," Sanji explained as he moved closer to get a better look at the poster. "One of Luffy's old enemies showed up to try killing him, and Bartolomeo became a fan after Luffy was saved at the last minute when lightning struck the platform where they both were."

"…Aye should be supwised about dat, aye weawwy should," the duck muttered acridly.

"Anyway, let's see here…" Sanji mused as he started reading the poster. "฿350 million? Geez, that's impressive. How did he— _he punched out a Celestial Dragon?!"_

_That_ got reactions out of absolutely everyone, though mostly variants on " _What?!"._

"Actually, Sanji, he just took the credit; his _first mate_ was the one who punched him out, and he's not happy about how the story got changed," I corrected with a grin. "Still, you do actually know _him_ … provided you actually remember Gin, anyway."

Sanji blinked in shock before scoffing and shaking his head. "After he nearly caved my head in and then nearly killed himself protecting me from the MH5? How the heck could I ever forget." He looked upwards wistfully. "So he actually made it, huh? Good. Good for him."

"Yeah, I'm happy to hear he's alright!" Luffy nodded in agreement, before tilting his head quizzically. "Uh, who was he, again?"

I rolled my eyes as our fellow East Blue recruits all slammed to the ground. "Dead eyes, grayish skin, worked with Krieg? Gave you his gas mask, too, remember?"

The gears in Luffy's brain churned visibly for a second before he smacked his fist in his palm. "Oh, yeah! Sanji fed him when he got kicked out, and that was when I knew I wanted him as my cook! Now I'm _really_ happy for him!"

Nami shook her head in equal parts fondness and exasperation before directing her attention to me. "Moving on… I'm guessing that the second exception is that psychopath that used Marines for a game of Jenga? What was it, Law?"

"'Surgeon of Death' Trafalgar Law, yes," I nodded, revealing the other poster… which held an even higher number. Nami blinked several times.

"…OK, how does he get ฿375 million? I mean, I get that what he did was _bad,_ but what Bartolomeo did was _blasphemy."_

"Well, for starters, he had a jumpstart on Barto," I explained. "Before my involvement, he would have held the third-highest bounty of the Supernovas, at ฿200 million. But currently?" I read over the bounty and promptly raised my eyebrows in surprise. "Well, now… apparently the whole 'Jenga' thing was only the tip of the iceberg. He got ahold of those soldiers by _invading_ a Marine base and taking it over, and then letting the public and his crew have the run of the place."

_That_ freaked out more than a few of my crewmates.

"H-H-He took over an _entire Marine Base?!"_ Usopp stammered fearfully.

"What the hell kind of monster _is_ this guy?" Merry whistled in awe.

"Ah, if it's any consolation? He's strong, yeah, and he's only going to get stronger, but he didn't pull this off alone." I hastily silenced everyone's fears. "Rather, he had help, from… her." I drew out the appropriate poster. "'The Glutton' Jewelry Bonney, ฿235 million. Her appetite rivals Luffy's, and her powers are quite impressive. Though I'm guessing you don't want details?" I glanced at Luffy, and shrugged when he shook his head. "Okay, just checking. Lemme just run through the rest so that you all recognize them and then we'll move on to ours, alright?

At the nods of assent, I began laying down bounty posters one after another, starting with the one I deemed the most pressing. "Eustass 'Captain' Kid: ฿400 Million. In the original, his bounty was the only one higher than Luffy's, and he achieved it through _sheer brutality._ Case in point, this little boost in the ratings came from _attacking a Marine training camp._ He almost got killed in the process because there was a…" I winced sympathetically. "Wow, retired Admiral teaching there, _that's_ unlucky… but make no mistake, this guy is a vicious son of a bitch and he _is_ dangerous. I cannot be clear enough on this point. If you see him?" I showed the poster around. "Do not face him and do not piss him off. Because if you do, I can't guarantee you'll walk away."

"Are you seriously telling me that we've got another Lucci as a rival here?" Zoro grimaced.

"You especially wouldn't stand a chance against him, Zoro; his powers are almost as bad as the Rust-Rust Fruit for swordsmen." I blinked in realization. "Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask—"

"Yubashiri can be fixed," Zoro interrupted, but it was accompanied by an angry sigh. "But not anytime soon. The blacksmith will finish the work, but it won't be done until long after we leave. So, I'm down to two swords for now. I assume you know where I can get another one?"

"Yes, and soon," I confirmed. He nodded, and I looked back at the posters.

"OK, one more thing about Kid before we move on: he's the only Supernova besides Luffy to have another Supernova on his crew." I held up the poster in question. "His first mate, 'Massacre Soldier' Killer, is worth ฿100 million on his ow—wait, what?" I stared back at the poster in confusion. "The hell—? That's barely _two-thirds_ his canon bounty!

"Maybe he's still going to grow over time?" Funkfreed offered.

"Mmm… maybe?" I hedged uncomfortably. "Still… anyway, he's more levelheaded than Kid, but he's still dangerous; he's the only other Supernova I can confirm _doesn't_ have a Devil Fruit. He's no pushover and he _still_ has that epithet, so watch your backs."

I gave everyone a chance to process before shuffling for my next poster. "Anyways, next on our program is 'The Magician' Basil Hawkins. He's one of the most mysterious of the Supernovas, because I can't tell where his Devil Fruit abilities end and what I can only define as legitimate _magic_ begins! And as for his crimes…" I took one look before reeling. "Holy—! Now _there's_ a name I recognize! Apparently he got in a tussle with a damn Warlord _and_ he walked away!"

Robin tensed up. "A formidable individual indeed…"

I shook my head in denial as I continued to read. "No… No, wait, that doesn't make any sense, he's skilled and his powers are weird, but I don't see how he could have actually managed to fight against—Ah," I concluded as I read the appropriate details. "Alright, now _that_ makes more sense: Law and Bonney weren't the only ones working in pairs. Voodoo-boy had help from 'Red Flag' X. Drake, worth ฿266 million. The guy used to be a Marine Rear Admiral, but that's about the only solid thing I know; he's really hard to read, but one of the strongest Zoans I've seen, too. Makes sense that the two of them could at least go toe-to-toe with a Warlord. Ah!" I hastily snapped my head up as I realized what I was implying. "For the record, they didn't _beat_ that Warlord, no, but they did manage to come out alive."

"Doesn't make them any less impressive…" Vivi mused thoughtfully.

"No kidding… Alright, we've still got three more to go… and we'll be continuing with Capone 'Gang' Bege: ฿277 million. Stereotypical mafia boss: father to his men, smart enough to know when to fold 'em. But if we wind up fighting, there is nobody in the world who the label 'one-man army' better applies to. And he… Uh…" I paused as I read over what was written before glancing up in confusion. "Ah… have any of you ever heard of Fort Lumose? It doesn't fall under my purview of knowledge."

"It's the World Government's main gold storage for the Grand Line, renowned for its high value and even higher security," Nami swiftly answered. A glazed look came over her eyes as a slight line of drool trailed out of her mouth. "And it's been the wet dream for _many_ a thief over the years, myself included…"

"Huh…" I read over the poster again before proffering it to Nami. "Well, I guess Bege is _living_ that dream, because he somehow managed to _clean the place out."_

"WHAT!?" Nami squawked, all but ripping the paper from from my hands as she tore through its contents.

"Robbed the place blind in all the confusion," I nodded in confirmation. "And knowing what I do of his powers, I've got a fairly good idea of how he did it, too."

Nami stared at the paper blankly for a second longer before… _looking up with a blush!?_ "I think I might actually be in love…" she breathed.

I only just managed to place the bounties between my face and Sanji when he grabbed my collar. "Not the face, not the face! Besides, _you_ never volunteered to raid Fort Lumose for her!"

Silence fell as Sanji forced his hand open and stalked away with a heavy drag of his cigarette. "…You live for today, Cross," he grit out. "You live for _today."_

I grimaced as I tugged my collar and started reading the bounties again. Then I did a double-take and grinned when I saw who was up next. "Ahh, here we go. My 'rival', 'Roar of the Sea' Scratchmen Apoo: ฿250 million. As for what he _did…"_ I shot a grin at our ship guards. "You boys'll like this: he teamed up with the Great Kung Fu Fleet to take down a Marine task force."

"HA!" Boss shot his fist in the air triumphantly, while his students started exchanging chest bumps and highfives. "I didn't expect anything less from the Captain: kicking ass and taking the biggest names around so that they can nail them to the wall!"

"And last but certainly not least, 'Mad Monk' Urouge: ฿186 million. A native of a Sky Island, possibly Bilka, though I don't know that for sure, and he's overall a pretty good guy. Bit boisterous and maybe a bit spontaneous, but other than that…" I shrugged helplessly. "No idea. Anyway, as for what he did—"

I didn't just freeze. That implied a higher level of cognitive function than I actually possessed at the moment, because what I was reading—

"…Soundbite? Do the Takei."

" _Ooooh myyyy,"_ the snail obliged.

"Do we _want_ to know?" Vivi deadpanned.

"…I'll let you judge," I whispered, slowly turning the poster to her.

Vivi quickly scanned it over before flushing like a torch. " _Ooooh myyyy,"_ she breathed.

"Ah, Vivi?" I winced sympathetically as I tapped her shoulder. "You've… got a little something…" I gestured at my own face.

Vivi blinked in confusion, patting around her face before wincing as she hastily wiped away the minute trail of blood she was sporting. "I… have no excuse," she concluded lamely.

I shook my head in disbelief as I gingerly placed the poster face down. "'Man of God' my ass…" I moaned.

" _Different ways_ **of worship?"** Soundbite offered uneasily.

I considered that for a moment before shuddering. "No… No, that only makes it _worse."_

The silence hung in the air until Luffy dragged attention over to himself by clapping his hands together. "Alright, that was cool and we'll keep an eye out for those guys, but if that's everything you wanted to talk about, then I wanna get to our bounties!" Luffy exclaimed eagerly, snapping the tension like a twig.

I sighed in relief at _that_ little distraction before nodding eagerly. "Alright, alright, I'm as eager as the rest of—er, _most_ of you," I corrected myself as I felt a trio of glares hammer into me before bringing up the remaining bounties and grinning. "So, without further ado? Let's start at the tippy tippy top…" I laid down a poster sporting a _very_ familiar grinning face. "With our very own 'Straw Hat' Monkey D. Luffy."

Everyone leaned forwards eagerly… and Luffy promptly shot his fists up with a victorious whoop.

"Woohoo, it went up!" Luffy cheered at the top of his lungs.

I nodded firmly in both awe and agreement. "By a _mile,_ captain. From ฿300 million to 475? You have _officially_ attained the highest bounty I myself have ever heard of. Heck, you've even managed to top the _Warlords._ _All_ of them, as far as I know. They _reaaaally_ want you dead!"

"Shishishi! Awesome!" my captain laughed as he pumped his fist in the air. The more sensible ones of the crew were rather subdued, but everyone else was rather awestruck.

"Next up, our first mate, 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro. In the story, your bounty doubled to ฿120 million, entrenching you as the lowest of the Supernovas. And now…" I laid down the paper. "You're the _second_ lowest, at ฿150."

"Tsk," Zoro grumbled, despite his wide grin. "So, unless the shit-cook has less than 75 million on his bounty, then I lost the bet… eh, what the hell." He started stretching his arms in preparation. "It's good impromptu training anyways. Bring it on."

"Suicidal morons…" Nami groaned, digging the heel of her hand into her forehead. "Screw it, in for a beri… you're already going down the ranks already, might as well keep going. Go ahead, rip it off like a bandaid. Tell me just how dead I am."

"Ask and you shall receive," I nodded as I started digging through the posters. "Little miss second mate, you have gone from the 'Cat Burglar' Nami worth a pittance of ฿16 million, to…" I slapped the poster down for all to see. And promptly stared in shock, along with everyone else. I slowly turned my stunned gaze to Zoro. "My apologies, Zoro," I breathed numbly. "You're not the second lowest Supernova. You're the _third."_

Nami's mouth hung open as she slowly picked up the poster and took in the long-range shot of herself standing on the deck of the Merry, Clima-Tact planted at her side and her thunderous Eisen Cloud wrapped around her like some kind of aura. The remaining traces of lightning in the air sure didn't hurt the image either.

"'Weather Witch' Nami…" the navigator breathed numbly. "Worth… _125 million?"_

"And alongside that Barty guy…" Lassoo mused thoughtfully. "It looks like we have at least _thirteen_ Supernovas."

"…Um… well, at least you weren't tricked into posing in a bikini?" I offered. "That really got Genzo's blood pressure pumping in the story."

Going by how Nami suddenly glared at me and her Cloud snapped to thunderous, that was _not_ the right thing to say. "I'm pretty sure his pressure is still going to spike _for another reason entirely!_ Let me make this easy for you: _what the hell, Cross!?"_

"Hey hey hey!" I raised my arms defensively. "In case you happened to forget, all I did was give you the Eisen Dial. _You_ decided to fry ten battleships with enough voltage to power New York City, and _yes_ that is impressive where I'm from!"

"I saved our lives!" Nami retorted.

"By _frying_ ten _battleships!"_

Nami shut her mouth with an audible click, teeth grinding together, ozone starting to filter into the air. And then the clouds went back to normal right as she released an explosive sigh. "It's sad that I can't argue with that…" she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"If it's any consolation?" Robin offered in a gentle tone of voice. "I believe it's more a political move that's the fault of the World Government, rather than anything done by you yourself."

Nami snapped her eye open as she glanced at our archaeologist. "Explain?"

"Cross said it best," Robin shrugged. "You're the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, and we are currently among the most notorious pirates in the world. By ranking our officers so high, the World Government underlines the menace we pose as a group. It's also probably why Killer's bounty was lower than Cross expected, so as to further emphasize you and Zoro's bounties over his own." She then nodded at me. "I also imagine that there are in fact fourteen Supernovas in existence, counting our infamous third mate."

I frowned as I considered that. "Well, shit… that's no good, thirteen sounds _way_ cooler than fourteen."

An ominous flash of lightning crackled around Nami as she clenched her jaw. "One more word like that and I really _will_ punch you, Cross."

"Moving on!" I yelped as I scrambled with the bounties. "And since we've done it so far, let's continue in the order that we joined the crew… or at least that Luffy ran into us, though that's basically the same thing. So, where's Usopp's…"

"What was my old one, Cross?" the sniper asked eagerly.

"The same starting bounty as Luffy's, ฿30 million, but it wasn't for you, it was for the masked menace, Sniper King. But now—aha!" I said triumphantly, yanking out the relevant paper. "Well, it's still for the Sniper King, but he's not anonymous anymore. 'Sniper King' Usopp, ฿40 million. Congratulations, my good man, on an awesome bounty and an awesome picture." And with that, I slapped the poster down on the table.

Usopp looked at the picture of him standing on the Tower of Justice, Kabuto raised triumphantly over his head, and grinned as he saw the number. "I have a _bounty…_ " he breathed in awe.

"Now, let's see here…" I said as I fingered through what I had left. "In the story, 'Black Leg' Sanji was renowned for being worth ฿77 million… PFF!" I snorted as I found the _unmistakable_ image I needed. "And now he will be known the world over under the same name, worth ฿90 million… sorta, anyways."

"Huh?" Sanji, along with everyone else, looked at me quizzically - or at least with a quizzical expression. "What do you mean 'sorta'?"

"Well…" I snickered as I fought to keep myself under control. "They'll know you by _name,_ anyways, but your picture…"

I held up the picture in question for Soundbite to see. The snail took one look at the poster…

" **WAHAHAHA!** _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ HEEHEE _heeeeeHOOOHOHOOOO!"_

Before absolutely _dying_ with gut-busting laughter.

"Oooh, now _this_ I gotta see!" Su laughed, hastily darting over clambering onto my opposing shoulder. "Is it as good as… it…" She trailed off into silence…

"TSEEHEEHEEHEE! TSEEHEEHEEHEEEHOOOH MY GOOOOD!"

Before falling off my shoulder _howling,_ squirming around on the ground as she laughed. "I can't breathe, _I CAN'T BREATHE!"_

"What the hell's wrong with my poster, damn it!" Sanji demanded.

I considered that for a moment before shrugging and placing the poster down for all to see, and secured my headphones. "Congratulations, Sanji," I snickered. "You are _officially_ one of the most infamous pirates in this day and age… for a completely _unique_ reason."

For once, I was actually disappointed in the reaction. Sanji took one look at the wanted poster and just slumped forward, supporting himself with his hands on the table as a despondent cloud hanging over his head, accompanied by a mutter of "Who is this…?"

I blinked at the display before tilting my head to the side in disappointment. "Well, that was underwhelming…"

"≈√ _¡∞¢ç∫ß¥$œ¡γ¿∫‰£ç∂£‰¥!"_ Sanji howled in my face as he suddenly grabbed my collar and started shaking me vigorously.

"Ge-e-e-et him o-o-o-o-off of me-e-e-e!" I howled desperately.

The room was dead silent once my friends managed to wrestle our irate cook off of me, which gave me enough time to work out a weak "Translation?"

" _SORRY, dude,_ **THAT WAS ALL** _ **gibberish.**_ LIKE, LITERAL _**gibberish,"**_ Soundbite answered dizzily, his eyes spinning wildly.

Still flopping bonelessly in Sanji's grip, I heard a rustle of paper, followed by Conis fighting to not laugh.

That was enough to snap Sanji out of his rage, and he dropped me on my ass before flopping back into one of the room's armchairs, staring vacantly up at the ceiling.

"Alright, all twisted humor aside," Vivi suggested, wincing as she looked the poster over herself. "Why don't we go ahead and correct this? We'll just use a Vision Dial to take a better picture, contact Smoker and—"

"NO."

The room jumped as I spoke up, and any protests died as I looked around at them with a dead serious expression. "I won't say much, but it is _vital_ for our future that the world _does not_ find out what Sanji looks like, and this time I adamantly _swear_ to you that this is not a damn joke. If I do things right, we won't need it at all, but if anything goes wrong, then that picture will be _critical_ in the future. The poster stays, no matter how embarrassing it might be, at least for now."

The following silence was deafening, but oddly enough, it was Sanji who recovered quickest, standing up and adjusting his collar uncomfortably. "…I'll trust you on this one, Cross," he said quietly, his tone utterly subdued and removing all possibility of argument. He then shot a glance at the poster Vivi was holding and shuddered. "Just… get it away from me, alright? Far, far, _far_ away."

I nodded, but before I looked back at my collection of posters, I caught Zoro's eye. He gestured subtly at Nami and Vivi, and I nodded. He visibly fought to keep from smirking as I started rifling through the papers again.

"Alright, now for the moment I've really been waiting for…" I said eagerly, seizing on the paper as I saw my own form, posing rather epicly. I slowly withdrew it, and my face split with a grin at what I saw. "Oh, I am _loving_ this so far. 'Voices of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite—"

"HEY! _How come_ **I don't get** _ **MY OWN—"**_

And then all noise _died_ as both he and I saw what was written in the bounty section.

For a few seconds, there was absolute silence and stillness as my partner and I stared wide-eyed at the poster.

"…OK, what's going on with you two?" Su scoffed, climbing up to my shoulder again. "Shouldn't you be cheering about this to literally all ends of the—"

Her mouth snapped closed and her eyes snapped wide open. Then she fell off my shoulder and dropped onto the floor, dead to the world and her tongue lolling out.

"Oh, for the love of you-know-who, it can't be _that_ bad," Sanji growled, ripping the poster out of my numb hands. He then began choking as though he had tried to swallow a skeleton. It was with a wide-eyed look that he turned the poster around, showing it to the whole crew and causing _them_ to stiffen as well.

"…I… I can't bring myself to feel upset about breaking 100 million anymore," Nami managed through an utterly dropped jaw. "This… ฿125 million is _chump change_ compared to this."

"Unless I'm grossly mistaken?" Robin breathed. "I am fairly certain that most _New World_ bounties are minor compared to this, and I am having a _very_ difficult time recalling many others in the world with _higher_ bounties."

"Speaking as someone who has _intimate_ knowledge of the economics of the World Government, I never thought I'd find myself asking this, but… does the Navy even _have_ that much liquid capital to spend on a single bounty?" Vivi squeaked.

"Technically yes, but usually when they lay down a bounty of this magnitude, it's because they never expect to actually _pay it,"_ Funkfreed explained solemnly.

"Words really _do_ hit harder than anything else," Boss muttered.

"I think that you don't have to worry about there being fourteen Supernovas, Cross," Zoro said, his eyes still wide. "Because _that…_ is _way_ beyond those."

_That_ finally made me snap out of my stupor. And really, there was only one thing I could say.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

**-o-**

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"…My my, Sengoku," Tsuru muttered as she dug a finger in her ear. "It appears I overestimated how much of your good sense remained regarding Cross."

"OHH, _HELL_ NO!" Sengoku roared as he jabbed his finger at his long-time comrade. "YOU ARE _NOT_ PINNING THIS MESS ON ME! I ORDERED AN ENTIRELY _SANE_ BOUNTY OF 500 MILLION PLACED ON THAT MADMAN'S HEAD AND NOT A _BERI_ MORE! _THIS!?"_ He stabbed his finger on the face of the enemy of his health. "I WOULDN'T PUT A BOUNTY LIKE THIS ON THE SON OF DRAGON, _AND I'M BEING LITERAL HERE!"_

Tsuru's eyebrows rose, and she looked back at the report she was carrying. "You're either going senile…" she mused as she drew out a piece of paper and laid it on the Fleet Admiral's desk. "Or this really _isn't_ your signature."

Sengoku snapped his gaze to the paper, peering closely at the page. He frowned contemplatively for a few moments.

After those few moments, all of the repair work that had been done to the tower was blown away as a common occurrence on the island reached an entirely new level of force and volume.

" _ **GAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!"**_

**-o-**

Once I managed to get my little freakout under control with the aid of a hastily-provided paper bag, I stared at Robin in terrified despair. "For the love of all that's holy, _please_ tell me I'm not the most wanted man in the world. Because there's being wanted, and then there's…" The words died in my throat, and I could only gesture helplessly at the poster and what it proclaimed:

' **Voices of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite: ฿1,500,000,000**

"That title still belongs to Dragon by a fair margin, Cross, don't worry," Robin was quick to reassure me. "And you're not second either. Rather, you're currently in the lower half of the top 20. There are quite a few people in the world above you."

I started to sigh in relief, but I paused as I noticed her glancing to the side hesitantly. "Robin… who is worth more than me?"

"Ah…" Robin started rubbing the back of her neck as she refused to meet my gaze. "Kaido, Charlotte Linlin, Edward Newgate…"

" _Those are Emperors!"_ I wheezed incredulously.

Robin winced at my outburst. "Ah… if you don't like that, then I imagine you won't be happy to know that Smoothie, Cracker and Jack were among those who you bumped down a rank as well."

"Dare I ask who they are?" I moaned out from beneath the hand I was using to massage my face.

"…for the sake of your sanity, I think it'd be best if I refrained from answering," Robin decided.

I tried to find some way, _any_ way to respond to that—

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

When Robin, I, and _everyone_ else in the room then slapped our hands to our ears as a very familiar noise suddenly bellowed out in the room. All eyes fell on an orange-bandana'd dugong, who was currently rolling on his shell laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHA! That might have murdered my ears, but I've _always_ wanted to do that," Mikey snickered.

"WE KNOW!" the other four Dugongs roared.

"HAHAHA… heh…" Mikey simmered down, looking around at all of our glares and shrugging. "Hey, someone needed to break the mood. Besides, Cross can flip out about his…" He chuckled under his breath. " _Stupidly_ obscene bounty on his own time, I just want to see the rest of them ASAP! Agreed?"

Everyone—even _Luffy_ —hesitated.

"…Yeah."

Robin snapped her attention to me in shock. "Cross—!"

"I-It's alright," I reassured her, smiling weakly as I pulled myself together. "I am… still flipping out a bit that my head is worth what I have no doubt qualifies as a _literal_ king's _ransom…_ but I can deal with that later. For now?" I picked up the bounties I dropped and started shuffling through the names. "Let's move on and give everyone else their limelight!"

" **Yeah!"** Soundbite nodded eagerly. "PERSONALLY? _I'M HAPPY!_ **THAT'S A DOUBLE-BOUNTY!** _ **I'M THE MOST WANTED SNAIL**_ **in the world! I'm content, so** _let's get_ _ **back to it!"**_

The tense atmosphere slowly faded, and soon enough, everyone who hadn't received their bounties yet was looking at me eagerly again. Nodding to myself, I looked down at the frontmost poster. Then, for the second time that day, I did a double-take. And _then_ I smirked as a positively _evil_ idea occurred to me.

"Hey, Cottontail!"

All lingering grogginess snapped out of Su as she snarled at me. "I put up with that from the slimeball and Conis, but who the blue hell gave _you_ permission to call me that?"

"The World Government," I snickered as I held up the poster I'd spied. "Congratulations, it's your official epithet now!"

Su stiffened, her jaw dropping in shock. "I… I _actually_ have a bounty?"

"Su has a bounty?!" Conis gasped in agreement.

"Yup!" I nodded hastily, only just managing to keep my grin off my face. "Matter of fact… you're worth _2000 times_ what Chopper was!"

"Really!?" Chopper gasped, snapping into his Heavy Point and staring over my shoulder. "Let me see, let me see!"

"Same here, same here!" the fox in question squealed, clambering up onto Chopper's shoulder again and joining him in staring at the poster eagerly… before bristling furiously. "'COTTONTAIL' SU WORTH A MEASLY ฿100 _THOUSAND?! 'PET'!? I'M GOING TO CLAW SOMEBODY'S FUCKING THROAT OUT!"_

"Wait, what do you mean? Conis introduced you as her pet," I asked quizzically.

"That was when I was still a civvie, _now I'm a part of the damn crew!_ I'm not a pet, I'm the—!"

" _Bullet-monkey?"_ Soundbite chirped innocently.

"Yes!" Su jabbed her paw at the snail before stiffening as she fully registered his words. " _NO!_ I'm not the bullet-monkey, I'm the _powder_ -monkey! _Powder-fox! GRAH!"_ Su collapsed flailing onto her back as she scratched her head in outrage.

"Wait, one-hundred…" Chopper's face screwed in thought for a moment. _Then_ his eyes went blank with the utmost of outrage. " _ **WHAT ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT, YOU SNIVELLING RODENT!?**_ **I** _**WAS WORTH**_ **FIFTY!"**

"He was worth _fifty?"_ everyone else asked incredulously.

I shrugged nonchalantly, my smirk remaining fixed. "The World Government confused 'Cotton Candy Lover' Tony Tony Chopper for our crew's pet, soooo yeah."

Chopper's face split into a sickly smile, his eyes seeming to shine cyan. "' _ **Cotton. Candy Lover'… 'Pet'… hehe… heeheeheeheehee… hahahahahaHAHAHAHAAAAA!"**_ The suddenly psychopathic reindeer threw his head back and cackled malevolently. " **SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GOING TO** _ **ROLL**_ **FOR THIS! HAHAHA—!"**

I hastily shuffled through the posters and sighed in relief with what I came up with. "Even when they're calling you the 'Spark of Genius' and valuing you at ฿66 million?"

" **HAHA—** eh?" Chopper cut himself off, snapping back to his Brain Point and leaving Su to drop to the ground with an indignant squawk.

"See for yourself!" I proclaimed, turning the poster so that he could see the side-by-side pictures of himself in both his Brain and Heavy Points, both holding scalpels and vials in their respective hooves and hands, and both with unmistakable gleams in their eyes and grins, the former _relatively_ more adorable and the latter unmistakably menacing. Probably trying to emphasize the Jekyll and Hyde angle, if I had to guess.

Chopper shakily accepted the poster, staring at it in numb silence, before breaking out into a massive grin, stars of awe twinkling in his eyes, all while he _himself_ started dancing in place. "I have my own bounty! I have my own bounty! I bet Doctorine'll hang it up in her office, and even use it for target practice when she's bored!"

I opened my mouth to ask _why_ he would ever dare be happy about _that_. I then closed it, because such things were better left unknown, and started rifling through the posters for the next one. As I saw the shock of blue hair, I grinned and plucked it out. "OK, next we move on to our very own 'Corsair Princess', who has boosted from ฿55 million to—!" My words died in my throat as I saw the poster in full. "…oh, your poor father," I finally concluded lamely.

"POOR KOHZA _more like!"_ Soundbite cackled before cocking his head to the side thoughtfully. " _ **Actually, on second thought?**_ **HE MIGHT** _ **ENJOY**_ **this turn of** _EVENTS."_

"Oh, don't tell me those bastards actually had the balls to make _me_ a Supernova, too?" Vivi asked in equal parts dread and anger.

"No…" I hedged uncomfortably, wincing as she sighed in relief. "But they _did_ make you infamous for a whole _other_ reason, namely by playing you for a patsy again, the same way they played Nami in the story."

I handed her the poster. She took one look at it and… well, I couldn't be sure if she was trying to pale or blush. Probably both. "Meep," she squeaked fearfully.

I couldn't exactly fault her for her brain stalling like that. After all, learning that you're suddenly worth ฿80 million Only Alive is one thing… but learning that you're worth ฿80 million _and_ that your bounty picture is basically you posing like a centerfold is another entirely.

Still… hands holding her hair up behind her head, a bikini that was modest and yet at the same time generous, and all at an angle that even made her scar look good? Credit to Attachan, the man could snap a good picture if nothing else. Though unless I missed my mark?

"He said it was for charity and I just wanted to get used to my scar…" Vivi wept almost comically.

I doubted that that made things any better for the subject in question.

"Oh, you sweet summer child…" Nami sighed as she laid a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder.

"THE HELL ARE YOU PITYING ME FOR!?" said friend roared, nearly ripping Nami's hand off. "YOU FELL FOR IT TOO, AND I BET YOU DID IT PURELY FOR THE DAMN MONEY!"

"Yeah," Nami nodded slowly, not even missing a beat. "But that was in a story, and knowing, well, me, I most likely did it for the sake of getting paid upfront and with cash. In this reality, _I_ didn't get plastered over the bedroom walls of 'interested parties' the world over for _free_."

Vivi considered that for a moment…

"WAAAAAAAH!"

Before collapsing to her knees and bawling out near literal _fountains_ of tears.

"Thewe thewe, Vivi…" Carue patted her back comfortingly. "It's awight, it's awight, we'we get thwough this togethah, I pwomise!"

"Well, now."

All eyes turned to Robin as she suddenly spoke, holding the currently offending poster in one of her hands. "It would appear that there is an addendum to Princess Nefertari's bounty. Something about her being accompanied by a 'Carue the Duck', but not having a picture of him."

"RAAAAAAAGH!" the gypped princess howled as she started throttling her panicked bodyguard.

"Chopper, stop dancing and sedate her," I sighed before casting a glance at Robin. "And you. …really?"

The archaeologist cocked her head to the side with a beatific smile. "Are you saying you don't see the family resemblance?"

I had to fight to keep a bigger smile off my face as I flashed her her bounty. "Laugh it up, 'Devil Child'. You've bounced up from ฿80 million to knocking on the heavens' doors. A little more before we hit Sabaody and there really _will_ be fourteen Supernovas."

Robin cocked her eyebrow as she took in her poster. "฿99 million…" She was silent before smiling. "Well, at least they finally updated my picture. _And_ they got my good side at that. Now if only they'd be so kind as to update my _juvenile_ epithet."

"HEY!"

_THWACK!_

"OUCH!" I hopped on my left leg when my right was suddenly the recipient of a vicious charlie-horse. "The hell—!?"

"No cutting in line!" Boss snorted as he cocked his fist back menacingly. "My boys and I should have been next, not her!"

"Actually, Boss," Robin corrected with a hum. "Seeing as I both met Luffy before you _and_ I was onboard Merry before you, I believe that to be false."

The rough-and-ready dugong paused as he considered that tidbit before shuffling about on his tail with a blush. "Ah hell, you've actually got a point! My bad, Cross. No hard feelings?"

"Why, I oughta—!" I bit out darkly before flinging the poster in question at the ungrateful sea-bull. "80 mil for the 'Bastard of the Sea', or 'Man' as they're calling you, happy!?"

"'Man of the Sea'!? HELL YES!" Boss gasped before cheering happily waving around the poster of himself shooting a thumbs-up at the photographer. Oddly enough, there was a somewhat untidy scrawl on the corner of the photo that… almost looked like—?

"Tell me you did _not_ autograph that…" I grit out irritably.

"How was I supposed to know he was Marine!?" the dugong demanded. "I thought he was just an eager fan or something, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Tsk…" I shook my head as I looked through the posters. "Well, regardless, I saw a name in here that indicates you're batting two-for— _seriously!?"_ I squawked, snapping the picture around for the little bastards to lay eyes on. "I just… really? _Really?"_

"I-I-I can explain!" Donney hastily scrambled to cover. "W-W-What you see there is an ancient, ah, d-dugong, uh… warrior—!"

"We did a group pose, alright?" Raphey interrupted shamelessly. "It was harmless fun, and it's not like you have any room to complain. Don't think I forgot about your little stunt last night for even a second."

"It's not the posing that I'm taking issue with," I ground out. "So much as the _damn pose itself!_ Where the hell did you even learn about, to reiterate, _that damn pose_ in the first place!?"

"I blame the snail!" Mikey hastily yelped.

"I too blame the snail!" Raphey concurred.

"I will also blame the snail," Leo nodded solemnly.

"I… actually," Donny cupped his chin thoughtfully. "Seeing as it _is_ his fault…" He stabbed his flipper at Soundbite. "I blame the snail as well!"

I slowly turned my glare on Soundbite. "You taught them," I bit out. "The _Ginyu Force Pose."_

Soundbite leaned in with an ear-to-ear grin. "I REGRET _nothing. Just_ _ **be glad I**_ **DIDN'T GO** _JOJO."_

I seriously debated for the next few seconds taunting him with how much _salt_ we would be using in the next arc, but in the end, I wasn't that bad. Instead, I sighed angrily, and withdrew the poster proper. "Alright, go ahead and celebrate, 'Disciples of the Sea.'"

The TDWS froze. "We… We get _Boss'_ old name as our epithet?" Leo breathed in awe.

"Apparently?" I shrugged, unsure as to what they were talking about. "But as I said, two-for-two for Boss because as the leader of your little band, _Leo,"_ I nodded at the suddenly and ironically shell-shocked dugong. "Also gets the epithet of 'Half-Shell Blade'. He's worth ฿15 million while the rest of you are worth ฿10 million apiece for a grand total of ฿45 million."

"Wah…" Leo breathed numbly. "I… Half-Shell—?! B-But that's—WOAH!" he yelped when he was suddenly foisted off his tail by Raphey and Mikey and onto their shoulders.

"Three cheers for the 'Half-Shell Blade'!" Raphey cried happily. "Hip hip!"

"HOORAY!" the Dugongs cheered as one, carrying their leader off as they kept cheering.

"Hmph, so I won…" Boss mused as he chomped on his cigar proudly. "Didn't doubt it for a second… but I'll pass on the prize. Fending off the captain is good training!"

I couldn't keep a fond smile off my face as I saw them celebrate, but I shook my head as I looked back at the few posters left in my hand. The frontmost was the next one on the agenda.

"Well, if that's the case…" I swung my arm out at our gunner. "Then I guess that 'Angel of Destruction' Conis wins the bet with a whoppingly _lucky_ ฿77 million to her name!"

"Wait, wha—?" Conis blinked numbly in shock.

"See for yourself!" I confirmed as I handed her her bounty, which had a rather impressive shot of Conis sitting in the midst of a large number of disassembled guns. "Attachan must have snapped this through the window while you were maintaining your arsenal."

"And on the subject of the bet, well… above the old of ฿55," Su clarified in a slightly melancholy tone as she hopped back onto her mistress's shoulder. "And yet _below_ the new ฿80. Congratulations, Conis, I'll defend your food with my life!… for what little it's apparently _worth,_ anyways…"

"Hey, it's better than 50!" I said cheerfully, ignoring the _very_ violent way Chopper twitched nearby.

"Uh, Cross?"

All eyes turned towards Merry, who had been silent up until then. "You still have some posters there. Is… Is one of them… mine?" she asked quietly.

"Eh…" I hedged uncomfortably as I started shuffling through the rest of the bounties I was holding. "I… dunno, Merry, all I'm seeing here is a bunch of bog-standard no-names. You only became human recently, so I don't oh what the hell," I transitioned seamlessly as I pulled up yet another bounty. "'White Menace' Going Merry, worth ฿50 million?!… sweet heck, Garp is _vindictive."_

"YE CALL IT VINDICTIVE, I CALL IT GENEROUS!" Merry threw her arms up happily. "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, MATEYS!"

I smiled as I watched her and everyone else celebrate, taking advantage of the distraction to discreetly pocket the poster of one 'Cyborg' Franky, worth ฿70 million, before glancing through the rest of the posters, and frowning.

"Huh. Sorry, Lassoo, Funkfreed, but this time I'm certain: you guys _really_ aren't in here," I muttered with a frown.

The sword and gun exchanged looks before shrugging indifferently.

"Makes sense," Funkfreed snorted. "I only joined a few days ago well after the fact."

"And honestly, we're fine with that," Lassoo nodded. "After all, who ever heard of a bounty for a weapon? Nah, our fame will be from word of mouth and whispers, and that is fine by us. 'Sides…" he grinned eagerly. "Your fame is our fame, so right now, we're both worth, well… _that."_

I felt chills down my spine as I got hit with that reminder, and hastily chained it up beneath a weak chuckle. "Right… OK, so, anyways, with that all over and done with, I think I'm going to go for a walk… listen to some music…" My eye twitched furtively. "Try to keep my calm about this new _development…"_

A few of my crewmates exchanged hesitant glances, but Luffy just smiled and waved innocently. "Have fun, Cross."

I sighed in relief before walking towards the door. "I'll just be out for awhile so that I can cool off. Funkfreed, Lassoo, you two alright with staying here?"

"Hmm…" Lassoo tapped his chin as he looked up in faux-thought. "Go with you and do nothing as you walk around or stay here and catch some Zs… well, heck, boss-man, it's a _real_ doozy, but—!"

_THWACK!_

"YIPE!" Lassoo yelped as a trunk of flesh thwapped the back of his head.

Funkfreed held a flat glare on his senior for a bit before waving his trunk at me with a smile. "We'll just stay here, you have fun!"

"If you need any anesthetics, you know who to call!" Chopper offered.

"Don't let the door knock your inflated skull on the way out," Nami sighed.

"Just… _don't_ burn down the city again, alright?" Vivi requested in a slightly slurred voice.

"Ah, c'mon, Vivi!" I turned around and spread my arms with a laugh as I walked out. "When have I ever done that twice on the same island?"

The princess laid her head on a table with a groan. "I can't believe that I'm accepting that as an answer to _any_ question…"

I turned back around with a chuckle as I shut the door, but the moment it closed behind me, my smile slid off as I power-walked away at a pace that was just under a run. For a few minutes, there was just silence as I walked.

"… _so…"_ Soundbite finally managed to start.

"Holy _shit,_ did you see that freaking number!?" I hissed frantically, forcing my voice to stay below a holler.

Soundbite's face paled to an ashen white. "SWEET HECK _I haven't ever heard of a NUMBER THAT BIG_ _ **ACTUALLY BEING USED FOR anything that wasn't made of solid gold!"**_

"Soooo many zeroes in a row, all on a single piece of paper, a single _number…"_ I dragged my hands down my face with a groan. "I think you could run a small _country_ off my head!"

" **NO,** _ **I**_ **COULD RUN A SMALL COUNTRY,** _ **you**_ **could fund a** _ **medium**_ **one.** " my snail shuddered miserably before casting a sidelong glance at me. "JUST… HOW _SCREWED_ _ **are we exactly?"**_

"Ah…" I scratched at the back of my skull frantically. "Short-term… maybe very much, maybe not at all? Depends on whether or not the user of the Hot-Hot Fruit actually exists or if I was just blowing hot air on the Rocket Man. Long-term, though…" I felt a slight pit open in my gut as images of sky-scraping trees and blood-stained chains and bubbles flashed through my mind "…there could be issues. With any luck, we'll have reinforcements once we hit the end of Paradise, but we'll still need to have people watching our backs, and you'll have to keep your, well… you know what I mean."

" _That bad,_ _ **huh?"**_ Soundbite groaned.

"Well, we _are_ worth a small…" I trailed off when I noticed my snail giving me a flat look before sighing in defeat. "Alright, an _average_ kingdom's national budget, so yeah, people are going to be after our heads. But short of getting the Government to somehow lower our bounties—"

" **Never gonna happen."**

"Or us de-escalating our rhetoric."

Soundbite snarled murderously. " **AFTER WHAT WAS IN** _ **that book and**_ _WHAT SPANDAM DID?!_ _ **SCREW THAT."**_

I shrugged in determined resignation. "Then I guess our only option is to watch our backs and not let ourselves be caught alone, simple as that."

Soundbite started to nod in agreement - before stiffening and darting his eyes at an upcoming alleyway. " _ **You mean like we are**_ _RIGHT NOW?"_

I spared a glance at the alleyway, then went back to staring dead ahead as I walked, flexing my gauntlet-clad fingers all the while. "Yeah, alright, you have a point there," I smiled tightly. "But come on, we've already been jumped twice in this city, what are the chances of us getting a hat-tri—?"

I had tempted fate enough times by now that I wasn't remotely surprised when a strong arm snapped out of the alley's shadows and dragged me in. Just as I was expecting, as evidenced by my jumping with the motion, thus catching my assailant off-guard and giving me the leeway I needed to grab them and shove them into the wall, my forearm at their throat and my Gum-Gum Pistol-charged Impact Gauntlet in their face.

"Twitch and I will _paste your skull,"_ I warned them tightly. "Get mugged once, shame on me, get mugged twice—"

"Still get mugged because your mugger knows Fishman Karate," my assailant grumbled out around my hand.

I blinked in confusion. "The heck—?" The beri dropped when said mugger's hand suddenly snapped up and grabbed my wrist. "…ah, _shi—!"_

_THWUMP!_

"GAGH!" I gasped into the ground, pain shooting through me as I suddenly found myself flipped and slammed to the ground in a single blur, with my right arm twisted up and behind my back by a _stupidly_ iron-hard grip.

"LET HIM GO _**OR PREPARE TO**_ **MEET YOUR—** mmph!?" Soundbite's roar suddenly choked off into a wordless and _distinctly_ unpowered gurgle. I was confused for a second… but then I got a whiff of salt and I realized just what had been used to gag Soundbite.

"Sea prism stone…" I muttered under my breath before speaking up. "I call hax."

I winced as my arm was tugged, indicating that… my captor suddenly tensed? "Damn, you _are_ good. Guess I shouldn't be surprised that you know my mentor, huh?"

I blinked in confusion for all of a second. Then I recalled what little of my captor I'd seen when I was holding them, and suddenly reality hit me hard. "… _Koala?"_

No sooner did the name leave my mouth than I felt myself getting jerked up to my feet and spun around, bringing me face-to-face with the only human practitioner of Fishman Karate, who was smiling sheepishly and scratching the back of her head. "Sorry for the rough handling there, Cross," she chuckled apologetically. "But this had to be private, and getting close to you and your crew isn't exactly an easy task. Especially with the self-proclaimed 'god of noise' within arm's reach of you at all hours of the day."

"PTOOIE!" Soundbite spat out the bar of oceanic metal before scowling darkly. " **I oughta rip your eardrums OUT BY THEIR—!"** The gastropod suddenly stopped without warning, blinking in complete confusion before recoiling back. " _Uh…_ _ **what the hell is**_ _ON YOUR BACK_ **and why does it make me want to piss my shell?** BENEATH THE HOPE AND PRIDE, **I mean."**

I promptly slapped Soundbite upside his stupid shell as Koala paled and a far-off look entered her eyes. "Sorry about that, big mouth and a small brain, he doesn't know better," I apologized.

" _Just like you."_

I didn't even miss a beat in slapping him again before forging on. "Anyways, brushing past that _utterly_ inept faux-pas," I prompted, thankfully prompting Koala to shake her head with a slight shudder. "Care to tell me what business the Revolutionary Army has with me and mine?"

Koala spared an uncertain glance at Soundbite before nodding firmly. "Ah… yeah, sure. And… right now, this isn't the Revolutionary Army talking to you, it's just me. There are two things I _really_ need to do."

"Uh…" I blinked in confusion. "Al…right? I guess? What's the fir— _ooph!?"_

I was cut off by the wind being knocked out of me by Koala, one of the strongest and most influential women on the seas, outright _glomping_ me.

"Thank you…" she whispered into my chest, and I was _distinctly_ aware of a pair of wet spots suddenly appearing in my shirt. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you _so much_ for everything you said, everything you've been saying, just… _all of it._ Nobody's ever said it before, not like _that…_ before, I thought, I thought…" She shook her head. "I don't know what I thought, but now… peace. Actual _peace_ and _tolerance_ between fishmen and humans… now it feels real and possible it's all thanks to _you_ and…" She raised her head and smiled tearfully at me. "And I just… I don't think I can _ever_ thank you enough for everything you said."

Slowly, tentatively, I returned the embrace she was giving me, and smiled. "You're welcome," I managed; I wanted to say more, talk about what I knew had happened that made me speak that way, ask for her help, her involvement in what I wanted to accomplish. But honestly, I knew that that would just circle right around to a past that had no good point to touch on, so in the end it was probably best that I just move the conversation forwards.

"And… what's the second thing?" I finally asked.

Koala's expression promptly died. "This."

_CRACK!_

I collapsed onto my back with a gurgle, my brain ringing and my jaw aching like crazy, and before the darkness took ahold of me I managed to make out _one_ last sentence.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING 'CUDDLY' YOU BIG-MOUTHED SON OF A—!?"

Hello, darkness, my old friend… I've come to talk with you again…

**-o-**

I groaned as I _once again_ clawed my way back to consciousness. Damn, I was going under _way_ too many times in the same month… And as swiftly as I'd been KO'd, the memories that had been knocked out of my brain came rushing back, and I knocked the back of my head against whatever I was leaning against. "Yeah, shoulda seen _that_ comin'…" I muttered acridly.

The next thing I became aware of was that I was sitting on a rather hard ground, with a wall or—no, a _railing_ behind me. Willing my neurons to fire properly, I grabbed at the top of the railing and pulled myself to my feet as I cracked my eyes open, intent on discovering just where I'd been dragged off… to… oh, holy _fuck._

I'd later look back on that day as the record for how many times in _however_ long I'd been out I'd felt my damn _blood_ freeze. Because based on what my senses had gathered, I had expected us to be in some sort of hotel or something, one of many easily-overlooked locations in the island metropolis of Water 7, or even on the lip of the city's fountain.

But the sight before me immediately disproved that. I wasn't in a hotel. I wasn't even on Water 7 anymore. Hell, I wasn't even sure that I was on the _Grand freaking Line._ I wasn't anywhere that I had ever been before, but that sure as hell didn't mean I didn't recognize it in an instant.

Because, really, I'd have to be a complete idiot not to draw the connection between being knocked out by a high-ranking Revolutionary and being on a balcony looking out to a very vast, very barren and rocken, and above all else, a very _white_ desert.

"Baltigo," I breathed.

"Impossibly well-informed indeed," came a deep voice from beside me. One that I vaguely recognized; I had heard it once before, right before we left Loguetown.

I swallowed heavily as I railroaded my thoughts into order. "More like common sense. I might never have seen this place before, but it _is_ known as the Land of White Soil…" I turned to face one of the few men in the world who outranked me in terms of bounty. "And far more importantly, it's renowned as the headquarters of you and everyone who works _for_ you, Dragon the Revolutionary."

The tall man's tattoo crinkled as he smirked. "Do you mean Dragon the Revolutionary… or Monkey D. Dragon?"

I winced and scratched my cheek self-consciously. "Yeeeaaah, sorry about that. I started up the SBS because I thought it'd keep Garp from arresting us, but it turned out he'd already taken precautions and… well, it was a shitshow on… all… wait a—!" I tensed furiously as I processed just what the hell was wrong with this scene. "Alright… you listen and you listen good: you might be the greatest hero in the world and I can excuse being abducted, _barely,_ but I _will_ smack that damn familial smirk off your face if you don't tell me where the _hell_ Soundbite is, and I mean right—!"

"So, that whole 'brash and belligerent' attitude really _isn't_ an act, huh?"

" **NOPE!** _He just naturally refuses TO TAKE SHIT FROM_ ANYONE! HE COULD STAND TO **pick better** _ **hills to die on, though."**_

I spun around to catch sight of Koala casually strolling up to me, Soundbite in her palm, the smiles they were sporting indicating that they'd _somehow_ become fast friends while I was out.

"Well," I scoffed as I crossed my arms. "You've managed to get along swimmingly in what I can only _pray_ was a surprisingly short amount of time."

"Ohh, not _that_ swimmingly," she scoffed as she tossed me Soundbite, who I caught and returned to my shoulder. "I don't know _how_ you do what you do. I tried it, his weight threw my balance off something _fierce."_

"Sheer practice," I groused before shooting a glare at Soundbite. "What, no SOS to the crew once I got _cold-clocked?"_

Soundbite snickered. " _Hey,_ **you're not the only one who** _ **slept with the Sea Kings. I ONLY WOKE UP A FEW**_ MINUTES AGO. _AS FOR ME LIKING THE FIRECRACKER, WEEELL…"_ His leer took on a malevolent overtone. "LET'S JUST SAY _**she put me in contact with**_ **a few brothers-in-shell who** _gave me a LOT TO THINK ABOUT."_

"…Fair enough," I nodded, before turning back towards the island's master. "Well, before we get started, couldn't we have had this conversation back on Water 7? I mean…" I snorted as I jerked my thumb at the main bulk of the tower. "I'm half-expecting the alarms to start sounding any second now as my crew storms this place and puts your men _very_ painfully out of commission. Besides, in case you missed the memo, the island's gone Revolutionary now. Not much risk, ne?"

Dragon and Koala both chuckled. "First of all, Cross, if it were that easy for anyone to find this island, we would have packed up and left long ago," Koala said.

"And second," Dragon picked up. "I _sincerely_ doubt that my son and his friends would be here anytime soon even if he _did_ know where we were."

I cocked my eyebrow at him flatly. "So did Spandam, and you know how well _that_ turned out for him."

Dragon's ever-present grin flinched for a moment before growing wider and darker. "Oh, I'm _perfectly_ aware of how things turned out for Director Spandam. In fact, I'm tempted to _thank_ the World Government now, though I doubt they're even aware of how much their vindictiveness has benefited us."

I looked at him in puzzlement for a moment, and then my cheeks started to hurt from how much I was grinning like an absolute psychopath.

"Ohhh, _please_ tell me that they placed him _exactly_ where I expect they did."

**-o-**

**-Eighteen Hours Earlier-**

"So," Emporio Ivankov mused as he (at the moment) took a sip from the martini glass he was swirling. "You found him _where_ exactly?"

"In an isolated cell, far away from any Visual Snails, with a nice big sign hung around his neck reading 'fresh meat'," Inazuma replied with a sip of his (at the moment) wineglass. "At a guess, they wanted him to experience whatever unknown hell the so-called 'Demon Tug' produced, sir."

The Newkama queen took a moment to process that before a wide grin donned his face. "Hee-haw! Ben-boy!"

"Yes, oh king of queens!" the ever-shifting assassin crowed, spinning up to him.

"Swap out with one of the comms-men again and call this number," Ivankov ordered, handing him a card that Bentham briefly scanned before tossing into a nearby torch. "The 'greatest hero in the world' needs to hear about this as soon as possible."

"Be back in a jiff!" Bentham swore before darting off down the carved-out corridors.

Ivankov watched the clone-human run off before dropping his smile and glancing at the scissor-human next to him. "Ina-boy, be a darling and fetch me a new outfit, would you? I'm about to absolutely _ruin_ the one I'm in."

Inazuma fell into a deep bow. "At once, Queen Ivankov."

And with that, Inazuma spun on his heel and strode off.

Once he was gone, Ivankov turned his suddenly predatory smile onto the shivering, shackled and gagged man held within the cell he was standing before. "So, Spanda-boy," Emporio Ivankov crooned, his fingers sharpening into syringes. "Why don't you do me a favor and tell me _aaaaall_ about whatever else was in that itsy bitsy, eentsy weentsy little _black book_ of yours, hm?" He cocked his head to the side. "Juuust for starters, you know?"

**-o-**

**-Present Time-**

"—HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Ohohoh, now _that_ is karma if I've ever seen it!" I gasped.

"I will admit to finding the whole affair rather therapeutic myself," Dragon chuckled in agreement. "And besides my own personal feelings on the matter, the intelligence we've been acquiring has been quite beneficial to our operations."

"So many secrets…" Koala sighed wistfully. "Horrifying and nightmarish, sure, but _undeniably_ useful."

"Pfhahaha _haaaahaha…"_ I wound down into a breathless chuckle as I nodded in agreement. "Ohh, I can only imagine… still, if you don't mind, would it be alright with you guys if I exposed those secrets on my own time via the SBS?"

_That_ got Koala blinking in confusion. "Huh? How could you pull that off? Wasn't that book destroyed?"

"Alternative sources," I smirked as I crossed my arms behind my head. "I recently recruited Spandam's old sword into my arsenal, and I fully intend to interview him at the earliest convenience."

"HE'S AN _elephant-Zoan who_ _ **never left his side,"**_ Soundbite explained gleefully.

Koala took a moment to process that before collapsing into stitches.

"Hmm," Dragon cupped his chin thoughtfully before shrugging. "Very well, then, go ahead. We're already acting on the information we've acquired, and Ivankov can pump him for all his intel faster than you'll be interviewing your sword. We should be over and done with pertinent operations by the time you divulge the information."

I clapped my hands with a contented smile. "Then we have an accord!"

The next instant, Dragon's expression shifted to stone-cold seriousness. "While we're on the subject of 'alternative sources'—"

My own expression went blank as I snapped my fingers. "Gastro-Scramble," I stated flatly, and Dragon raised an eyebrow as static filled the air. "I'm willing to tell you my secret, but fair warning? It's far beyond the madness that the Grand Line, ah, 'normally' produces."

"I see," Dragon nodded as he crossed his arms. "So, is it centered around time travel or dimensional travel?"

I cocked an eyebrow slightly. "Ooor I suppose you might be familiar with this particular situation already."

Dragon lifted his head proudly as his smirk took on a predatory gleam. "I deal with the entire world. Paradise, New World and all the Blues… individually they're impressive, but once you experience them all, nothing really fazes you anymore."

"…Not even Garp's stupidity at saying your name while saying he wasn't going to?"

Dragon's smirk twitched minutely. "Almost nothing."

I briefly toyed with the thought of bringing up four specific initials, but honestly, that was a question to which I _really_ didn't want to know the answer, so I settled for leaning against the railing with my arms crossed. "I got drop-kicked here from two dimensions to the left, where I was an avid fan of the story of how your son rose to become Pirate King _._ Said story was still ongoing, so I have gaps and I've already been causing ripples, but it's done me _some_ measure of good."

An incredulous scoff came from beside us. "Nice one, Cross. Pull the other one," Koala chuckled, waving her hand dismissively.

Dragon, meanwhile, didn't even miss a beat. "Well, let's get to business, then, shall we?"

"What, you mean you don't want even the barest hint of what's coming?" I asked, noting Koala in my peripheral vision as she alternated her gaze between the two of us, the blood draining from her face and a mix of shock and horror creeping into her expression as she finally pegged onto the fact that I was, in fact, entirely serious.

"Tsk," Dragon waved his hand dismissively. "I intend to give the world the answer I come to by my own devices, not by cheating and utilizing what fluid knowledge you have. After all…" His smirk widened to a _far_ more familiar point. "Where would be the fun in that?"

I processed that for a moment before throwing my head back with a cackle. "PFHAHAHA! Ah geeze, I don't know if you're actually Garp's son or the devil's, but you're definitely a Monkey, definitely a D, and _absolutely_ Luffy's father!"

" **I coulda told you that** _ **for free!"**_ Soundbite cackled. " _SERIOUSLY,_ _ **THE SMILE**_ ALONE! _Heeheehee_ **HOOHOO—!"**

"Alright, chit-chat time is over," I cut him off, the mirth draining from my face and causing Soundbite to sober up just as swiftly. "You still haven't answered my first question. Why am I here, because it sure as heck isn't to shoot the shit with you." I crossed my arms and shifted my stance into a more… aggressive one. "Whatever it is, I suggest we get it over with ASAP, because if I miss the christening of my crew's new ship, I'm going to be _pissed."_

Dragon and Koala snapped to serious just as swiftly, all traces of brevity evaporating instantly.

"You are here so that I may offer you a position in my army, Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite," Monkey D. Dragon announced, clearly and without a trace of hesitation.

Soundbite and I exchanged a look before I rolled my fingers for him to continue.

The original Revolutionary didn't so much as twitch as he turned away from us, staring unflinchingly over the white expanse that lay stretched out before us.

"From the very first day you started the SBS, you've been an invaluable ally to my efforts," he began. "Alabasta was not the only country that your words caused to revolt against the World Government's tyranny within the last four months, even discounting the massive spike over the course of the past four days. You've made your stance clear on where you stand, and you've proven you have the nerve to defend it to the point of death. And with the impossible knowledge that you possess, even discounting future events, you would be even more of a help by my side."

"I'm not leaving the Straw Hat Pirates," I said at once.

"And I'm not asking you to," Dragon chuckled dryly in denial. "I'm not such a fool that I imagine myself capable of breaking my son's grasp on your loyalty, or his grasp on any of your fellow crewmates. Nor am I so small-minded as to think that a man cannot effectively offer his loyalties to two flags at the same time, especially seeing as I cannot conceivably imagine a scenario where said flags would ever come in conflict with one another. Even so…"

He shot a stone-cold glance at me. "Let me be as clear as I possibly can: I'm not offering you a position as a simple member, nor even an executive. I'm offering you a partnership, to lead the Revolutionary Army alongside me, at the same rank as Sabo himself, so that we might accelerate both of our efforts to overthrow the World Government and show the world the truth."

I cocked my eyebrow. "Where _is_ Chief of Staff Sabo, by the by?"

"Anywhere not even remotely close to here," Koala answered. "Seriously, as nice as it is for the poor bastard to have his memories back, just mentioning Luffy's name is enough to get him talking everyone's ears off about his 'awesome baby brother.' And seeing one of his crewmates here?" She waved her hand with a dismissive 'tsk'. "I respect Sabo to hell and back, but he'd still be running his mouth and having you run yours if he were here, and right now we need to concentrate on business."

"That does sound like him," I admitted. "If I recall correctly, Ace always talks the Whitebeard Pirates' ears off about Luffy whenever he comes up, too. Even other D.s aren't immune to him." Pulling my train of thought back on the tracks, I looked back at Dragon. "What exactly would this… _relationship_ you're proposing entail?"

"Simple enough matters for the time being," Dragon waved his hand casually. "Facilitating global communications, some management here and there, as well as an exchange of contacts and whatever other informants I don't doubt you've managed to acquire over the course of your, frankly, rather esteemed career. Rest assured, we shall freely respond in turn. I suppose that the best way to describe it all…"

He turned to me and donned his familial ear-to-ear grin, holding his hand out to me.

"You would be our partner," Dragon concluded. "In Revolution."

For the longest time, I just… _stared_ at Dragon's hand, the weight of that gesture plainly visible, considering all the possibilities and all the implications that would arise from accepting it. All the advantages aligning myself with him would grant me, all the tools that would be at my disposal.

And it was with those things in mind that I slowly reached my hand out to his, and slapped it before drawing my hand back.

"Sorry to inform you, Dragon," I shrugged with honest regret. "But you're four months late and a heck of a lot of initiative short. I'm afraid that I've already got plans of my own."

Koala and Soundbite's jaws dropped, but Dragon's expression was impassive. "You would still be perfectly able to continue the operations you already have going," he assured me. "I don't doubt for an instant that you're doing good work."

I nodded my head to the side, grimacing. "Eh, we're still kind of in the 'digging our roots' stage of matters, but I appreciate the sentiment, and I feel the same way towards you, but that's not why I'm saying no. I'm saying no because when I think of joining forces with you, I can't get King Nefertari out of my head."

"Cross, King Nefertari Cobra is alive and well, we've been offering his kingdom every measure of assistance we can—!" Koala started with no small amount of desperation.

"I'm glad to hear Cobra is doing well," I cut her off with a raised hand. "But I'm not talking about Vivi's father. I'm talking about her great great _however_ many greats _grand-_ father."

Dragon raised an eyebrow. "Explain."

"It's simple: Anywhere from nine to eight hundred years ago, King—or _Queen_ Nefertari, I suppose, joined their forces with an alliance to overthrow what I can only assume was a world-spanning empire or kingdom or what have you, and when they succeeded that alliance rose to take the original empire's place. Fast forward to today, and we witness the first traces of history repeating itself."

T _hat_ caused a reaction, Koala's face flushing with rage as she took a menacing step forwards. "Are you accusing us," she hissed darkly. "Of wanting to overthrow the World Government just so we can _take its place?"_

Dragon made to turn to face her, but I beat him to it with a dismissive scoff. "Don't be an idiot, Koala, that's not even close to what I'm saying and I'm not accusing anyone of spit. What I'm _saying_ is that, regardless of what any of us desire, we're all still _mortal._ One day, we're gonna die, and provided we've actually managed to come out on top by the time we do, other people are gonna take our places in running the world. And who knows!" I said cheerfully. "Maybe _they'll_ be as righteous and morally firm as us! And maybe the people after them, and the people after them!"

I slowly let my expression drop into a scowl. "But not forever. _Never_ forever. Absolute power is the worst poison in the world, Koala, as you well know from fighting it every single day. It's not a matter of desire that could result in the Revolutionaries replacing the World Government in every way, but _inevitability._ It's a matter of the fallibility of humanity. After all, at the end of the day, 'revolution' means to go round in a circle."

Koala's rage broke in favor of confusion, many contradictory thoughts obviously running through her head.

"You raise a fair point, Jeremiah Cross."

And then she snapped her head around at her superior, shock clearly written on her face. "S-Sir, what are you—?!"

"Enough, Koala," Dragon silenced her with a raised hand, his expression shadowed. "I've long since accepted what Cross has outlined as being an all-too-real possibility, and I've long since put in place contingencies in case such an eventuality comes to pass. Cross has done nothing more than… state the facts."

While Koala slowly paled and clamped a shivering hand over her mouth, Dragon returned his suddenly far harder gaze to me. "But even in spite of this inevitability," he continued. "The fact remains that our goals and enemies are the same, and that neither you and yours nor even me and mine are powerful enough to face the monolith that crushes us all alone. If you have an arrangement you'd prefer, I'd very much like to hear it."

I took a moment to properly word my thoughts before responding. "I assume you're familiar with the saying 'trust, but verify'."

"Of course," Dragon responded.

"I propose something similar to it," I said, raising my hands with the index fingers held apart. "Hand in hand, but not conjoined. Together, but separate. An allegiance, but no single flag. You walk your path to the truth and we'll walk ours, and so long as you don't step on our toes we won't step on yours, and heck! We might even offer one another a gesture of good faith from time to time…"

I folded my hands behind my back as I looked Dragon in the eyes. "But our respective draws will remain separate, and if a merger comes then it will be many years in the future, once the shadows of the World Government aren't quite so dark. And…" I waved my hand casually with a resigned smile. "Think of it this way: if one of us is ever forced to fold, then at least the other will still be in a position to pick up their chips and keep playing."

As I finished, Koala had a somewhat thoughtful frown on her face, while Dragon simply stared at me. Eventually, however, a rueful grin crossed his face.

"I would prefer you deeper in the fold than that…" he sighed wistfully. "And I'm honestly surprised given your new bounty that you're not accepting it, but I suppose I'll just take what I can get."

I shrugged carelessly. "Hey, why the hell should I be concerned about that waste of ink and paper. After all…" I let a predatory grin slide across my face. "If they want me? They'll need to get through my crew first."

"I dunno," Koala drawled, swaying on her feet as she crossed her arms behind her head. "I gotcha pretty easily."

" **You do not count,"** Soundbite snickered with a smirk. "YOU ARE WHAT _**we refer to as**_ _NEW WORLD BULLSHIT."_

Koala raised her finger before dropping it and shutting her mouth with a hiss. "That… you know what? I don't have a good response to that. But still—"

"If," Dragon cut in, shooting a simultaneously dry and bemused look at his subordinate. "I may continue?"

The Martial-Arts mistress slapped her hands over her mouth with a squeak and a blush.

The Revolutionary continued to observe her for a moment before slowly redirecting his smile at me and extending his hand. "So… _allies_ in Revolution, then."

I smiled broadly, and removed my right gauntlet before clasping his hand with both of mine. "Allies to the bitter end." I quirked a corner of my mouth up. "At least until you start dragging us down and we cut you loose like a rusty anchor."

Dragon barked out a laugh as he drew his hand back. "The same to you, then. I'll exchange contact numbers with Soundbite and contact you should I ever require your aid, and I expect you to do the same."

I nodded in agreement as I slipped my gauntlet back on. "You can damn well count on it. It was nice meeting you, Dragon. An… enlightening experience, if nothing else."

The Revolutionary smiled, then turned and began heading back into the command center. "Koala will prepare you for your return to Water 7. You'll be back with your crew before you know it."

The man was halfway to the building when he paused, and glanced at me over his shoulder. "Actually… one last thing. If you don't mind indulging an idealist's curiosity… who were you before you came here? By your demeanor and age I'm guessing a student, but as for your major… political science? Business? Philosophy, perhaps?"

I blinked at him in shock for a brief moment before grinning from ear to ear. "Smart man, if an inch or two off the mark. Student yes, politics no. Honestly, what more can I say—!" I spread my arms in gleeful surrender. "Than that I love a good story!"

Dragon blinked in surprise.

"SHISHISHISHISHI!"

Then he threw his head back and roared his laughter to the high heavens. "An artist of the written word!" he cackled jubilantly. "Honestly now, I don't know _what_ I was expecting, I really don't! Heheheh…" Dragon chuckled as he waved over his shoulder as he kept walking away. "I wish you the best of luck, Jeremiah Cross. Now, Koala, if you could—"

"Ah, wait wait wait, one last thing!" I hastily interjected, looking back at Koala, and making my tone as gentle as possible. "One last thing, a personal matter… Hachi. If you're interested and my memory is correct, he should have his dream Takoyaki bar up and running on the surface, not far from the waters of Sabaody Archipelago and Fishman Island. Ask around for the Flying Fish Riders, they share those waters too, they should know where he is if no one else does."

Koala's gaze grew far off again, but that only lasted for a minute before a small smile came over her face. "Thank you, Cross, I'll remember that for once I have some more vacation time. Now, if there's nothing else, I'll get you ready for traveling back to Water 7."

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, nothing else springs to mind. So, how—"

_THWACK!_

"THAT'S FOR GETTING ME AN ASSIGNMENT IN THE SOUTH-SUCKING-POLE YOU DAMN—!"

The last thing I heard before everything went black (besides the vigorous lambasting) was a chorus of snickering.

**-o-**

The next thing I knew after that little… event?

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

My eardrums screaming bloody murder at me while something _else_ blared even _bloodier_ murder at me.

"GAAAARGH!" I hollered, shooting up in my bed with my hands clamping over my ears. "FRACKING HELL, WHO THE HECK DO I LOOK LIKE, _SPONGEBOB,_ DAMN IT!?"

"Personally, I'd just say you look like a plain old dope!"

A familiar voice cut through the haze of my rage and wakefulness, and after blinking a few times to clear my vision, I was met with an even more familiar face perched upon my transceiver on the bedside table beside me.

"Tseeheeheeheehee! I've been wanting to do that for the longest time," Su giggled as she impishly covered her muzzle with her paw.

"WE KNOW!" Soundbite bellowed in a medley of voices as he snapped his eyestalks out of his shell, before fully emerging in shock. " _Wait,_ _ **cottontail?**_ **We're back in—** _ **HUH?"**_

As my ears stopped ringing, I realized what Soundbite was saying, taking in the familiar sight of our temporary lodgings while we waited for the construction of the Thousand Sunny to finish… and begin, for that matter. Everyone was behaving perfectly normally, though some of them were making their way over to me.

"So, Cross, feeling any better about your bounty?" Chopper asked.

"Ahhh…" I hedged uncomfortably, trying to successfully get my mind on track. "Y-Yeah, I think I've gotten over it for now… just as long as—"

"And that's where it would be a good idea to _shut up,_ if you're about to mention some 'hypothetical' worst-case scenario," Sanji cut in.

"Eheh… point taken," I said, rubbing the back of my head. "So, how much have I missed?"

To my surprise, everyone just shrugged casually. "Getting more used to our bounties, but besides that, just the usual. What did you expect, you were only gone for a couple of hours before we noticed you sleeping it off," Su quipped.

I could _feel_ the blood draining from my face as Su's words sunk in. Hours… mere _hours…_

"Cross? Cross! What's wrong?! Should I call a doctor?!" Chopper panicked.

"Spirited away and spirited back in a matter of _hours,"_ I whispered numbly, collapsing back against my bed's headboard as I processed the implications. Upon reaching a conclusion, I directed my terrified gaze at Soundbite, whose own expression indicated he'd reached the exact same conclusion. "…Dragon is scary," I breathed, cold sweat coming down my head.

" _ **Agreed,"**_ Soundbite whimpered.

"…Cross, did you just say what I think you just said?" Vivi asked, turning to look at me, her gaze pleading.

I managed a weak smile. "We're sort of officially allies now. Oh, and good news, your father is doing well."

"…What in Ammit's name kind of resources do the Revolutionaries have at their disposal?" the princess mumbled, sinking down beside Carue as her knees failed her.

I shuddered fearfully. "Follow my example: I dunno, and I don't _wanna_ know."

Vivi, along with most everyone else in the room, nodded in acceptance, though none with nearly as much desperation as her.

I was _about_ to allow myself to relax when Soundbite perked up. " **Frantic** _ **FRANKY FAMILY**_ _foreman_ _ **forthcoming**_ _,"_ he announced.

"Nice alliteration," I noted.

"HEH, THANKS, _I've been practi—!"_

_SLAM!_

"STRAW HATS!"

Zambai's door slam cut Soundbite off, also serving to draw attention to him as he fell on all fours.

"Zambai?" Usopp blinked at the man in confusion. "What's wrong, is Franky alright?"

I kept my expression carefully neutral as I waited for Zambai to get his breath back…

"Ah…" Zambai hesitated slightly as he recovered and glanced to the side nervously. "Nah… nah he's fine, I just… just wanted to tell ya that he's started working on… your new ship and—!"

"Bull-shit~!" I sang tauntingly.

"GAH, ALRIGHT, YA DAMN KNOW-IT-ALL!" Zambai snapped his head up with a furious roar. "I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF THE FRANKY FAMILY TO ASK YOU TO TAKE OUR BOSS, OUR BIG BRO, 'CYBORG' FRANKY, ON YOUR CREW AS YOUR SHIPWRIGHT! HAPPY!?"

"Very," I smirked proudly as I folded my arms behind my head.

Meanwhile, the rest of our crew was a bit less, shall we say, _dignified_ in their responses?

"HUH?!" chorused half of them incredulously.

"Not again…" was the general sentiment of the rest.

That half then proceeded to either _look_ or _glare_ at me.

"Oi!" I yelped, snapping my hands up indignantly. "Don't look at me like that, I have exactly _spit_ to do with this, and I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to!"

Thankfully, that swapped out some of the heat on me in favor of confusion, and Nami even went so far as to snap her gaze back to Zambai. "What the heck are you talking about?"

Zambai took a second to finish getting his breath back before giving us all a look that was equal parts desperate and determined. "Listen, in case you didn't notice, the rest of us who were with you, my bros and sisters, and the Galley-La guys? None of us got bounties like you did. The World Government ignored us thanks to our names and voices not actually being broadcast on the SBS." He shook his head miserably as he withdrew a sheet of paper from his back pocket and held it up for us all to see. "But not all of us got out unmarked."

Everyone took one look at the poster before gaping in awe or wincing sympathetically.

"฿70 million?" Vivi hissed. "That's not good…"

"Oooh trust me, it could be worse," Nami muttered acridly.

" _Way_ worse," Sanji sourly concurred.

"Worse than you can _possibly_ imagine," I finished.

"I don't know, I can—"

" **YOU ALREADY** _ **used**_ _that gag!"_

"Heh, sorry, you should hear the crowd on open-mic night…" Zambai chuckled sheepishly, scratching his head sheepishly. "But seriously, I'm begging you, on behalf of the entire Franky Family, to take our big bro out to sea with you. It's the only chance he's got!"

There was a pause as everyone considered what he was saying.

"Why are you even making such a big deal out of this?" Zoro finally said, prompting everyone to stare incredulously at him.

"Zoro, _what the actual—?_ " Vivi demanded.

"Have you guys already forgotten that Iceburg cut ties with the World Government? Why do you think he'd be safer with one of the most famous pirate crews in the world than on a massive island where Government employees are the criminals?"

"…I hate to admit it, but that's actually a good point," I admitted, frowning at Zambai. "I mean, we'd be glad to have him along, sure, but with the entire island in that much danger already, why are you still so desperate?"

"Are you—!" Zambai started before cutting himself off with a groan. "Right, one of you isn't local, the other's an idiot."

"Hey, Cross isn't _that_ dumb," Zoro snorted. _My_ response to that was to grab my hand before it could try and _strangle_ him.

"Look," the dismantler continued with strained patience. "The thing you gotta know is that one of the _first_ things the World Government does when a nation cuts ties and goes Revolutionary is to _blockade_ them. Granted, the Sea Train will give us some leeway there, and the world should be pretty damn strained from Enies Lobby's fallout, but the fact is that once they get their shit together, it's gonna be a damn nightmare to get off and away from this island if you're a civilian. But _wanted?"_ He shook his head desperately. "Forget it. Franky'll never leave Water 7 again, he'll never go out on another ship again, he'll never have a shot at seeing his dream, his _real_ dream, come true with his own two eyes! Which means… which means…"

The former thug choked out a sob as he fell to his knees, eyes scrunched shut as his emotions finally overwhelmed him. "So, please!" he cried out miserably. "Please take Franky with you! On behalf of the entire Franky Family, I am _begging_ you—!"

"Ehhh?" Luffy droned dully, his tone nasally on account of the pinkie digging for gold up his nose. "What are you, stupid or something? Franky's already our crewmate."

_That_ little announcement left the rest of us stunned in its wake, myself included.

"Uh… what are you talking about?" Zambai asked, sounding confused. "I never heard or saw you talk to Franky about anything like that, when—!?"

"Eh, I didn't talk to him about anything," Luffy replied, pulling out his finger and examining. "I just decided that he'd be our shipwright, sooo he's our shipwright. He just doesn't know it yet."

There was an instant of silence before we all groaned collectively, our voices filled with both exasperation, and fondness.

"Uhhh…" Zambai drew out hesitantly. "I… don't think that's how it works?"

"Ohhh, yes it is," Zoro chuckled. "Once Luffy makes up his mind that you're part of the crew, you're part of the crew."

"He doesn't take 'no' for an answer," Nami picked up, smiling fondly at the memory.

"And he can be a real pain in the ass if you still try refusing," Sanji concluded with a mix of a grin and a grimace.

Funkfreed raised his trunk. "Aaaaam I missing something here?"

"Let me clarify, my good pachyderm," I volunteered. "Everyone who Luffy recruited before I started the SBS, Soundbite and myself included, joined due to a mixture of Luffy's persistence, strength, and charisma, with a healthy dose of blackmail here and there for good measure."

"B-B-Blackmail?" Conis squeaked in shock.

"He held my swords ransom," Zoro said blandly.

"He threatened to make _me_ kill _him,"_ Nami spat acridly.

"He—!" Usopp started before hesitating and scratching his head sheepishly. "Actually, he didn't do anything to me, he just offered…"

"He nearly destroyed the Baratie," Sanji grimaced. "Both from within _and_ without."

"HE KNOCKED US _out of a_ _ **two-story TREE!"**_ Soundbite barked.

"He wouldn't stop chasing me all over the damn castle…" Chopper moaned.

"The first time I saw him, he knocked me _senseless…"_ Vivi grumbled, rubbing her head.

"Awww, you guys're making me blush!" Luffy laughed, folding his hands behind his head with an ear-to-ear grin.

"WE'RE NOT COMPLIMENTING YOU, JACKASS!" we all roared indignantly.

"And yet!" I added with a teasing grin. "It's not as though we'd rather be anywhere _else_ , eh?"

Suddenly, everyone was a _lot_ less willing to speak, far too occupied with averting their gazes and coughing uncomfortably.

"…W-Well… in that case, thanks a lot, Straw Hat. We owe you one," Zambai said with a sincere grin. Though the fact that he wasn't on his hands and knees spoke volumes about how bemused he was by what he had just heard.

" _And we'll_ **collect,"** Soundbite remarked.

Zambai nodded in concession. "Yeah, yeah… alright, anything in particular we can do right now, then?"

I was _about_ to dismiss him, before grinning as a thought struck me.

"Oh, no," Usopp groaned. "That smile never means anything good."

"I'm sorry I asked…" Zambai moaned, slapping a hand to his face.

"No, it does not, and yes, you should be," I chuckled malevolently. "For you see… there's a little something you oughta know about 'Cyborg' Franky: His grip on this island is iron-hard, so if we're gonna get him off this rock, we're gonna need subtlety, finesse, an intricate plan…" My grin went from ear to ear as I clasped my hands. "And his speedo."

Nothing short of thunderstruck silence.

"…Pwease teww me I heawd dat wong…" Carue pleaded.

I maintained my grin as I slammed my hands on the room's table. "Gather round, boys and girls, because we're planning us a man-panty raid!"

"HELL YES!" Raphey shot her fists up ecstatically. She then looked around in confusion as everyone stared at her. "What? I'm just happy that for _once,_ the wardrobe malfunction is on the other side of the chromosomes. Am I _really_ alone in this?"

After a few moments, all males in the room shuddered as a wave of what could only be described as pure _vindication_ swept over us.

As soon as it passed, I was back to grinning, if somewhat more shakily than before. "So!" I yelped only semi-desperately. "Who wants in on planning out Operation 'Running of the Pervert'?"

My smile became more honest at the affirmatives I got, before said smile snapped off my face faster than a gunshot as I noticed something missing from the chorus. "…Guys? Has anyone seen where Merry went?"

Thankfully for my nerves, Usopp was quick to wave his hand. "Oh, Merry practiced a lot and decided that she was strong enough to go out for a walk. She left about an hour ago."

I myself was content to heave a sigh of relief, but my partner in anarchy, on the other hand…

"IS THAT REALLY _**the best of ideas?"**_ Soundbite asked uncertainly. " **I mean, we went** _ **out for a walk too,**_ **AND LONG-STORY SHORT,** _WE WOUND UP IN_ _ **admittedly not-so-**_ _DEEP_ **but still deeply disturbing** _CACA!"_

"Yeeeaaah," Mikey drawled as he made a show of inspecting his flipper. "But consider this: whereas _you_ can barely handle lifting over a hundred pounds, _Merry,_ even hurt and injured, can easily lift _you."_

Soundbite and I took a moment to consider that before nodding in agreement. "Alright, withdrawn," I conceded.

"But, ah," Funkfreed raised his trunk swiftly. "If it helps, I heard her say something on her way out."

The elephant-sword then shifted to rubbing his chin. "Not sure how much help it'll be, though… I mean, how could an East Blue caravel have family in the dead center of Paradise?"

**-o-**

"Yes," Iceburg nodded confidently. "Truly a splendid sun."

"IT'S NOT A SUN, YOU BLIND MORON!" Franky roared indignantly, his hackles raised to the maximum.

"Okay, okay, geez!" Iceburg said, raising his hands in surrender. "It's not a sun! Got it!"

Grumbling heatedly, the crime-boss of Water 7 went back to his work. For all that Galley-La purported itself to be filled with Water 7's best and brightest, they could be _stupidly_ thick. First a sunflower, now a sun!? Honestly, how could _anyone_ mistake the proud figurehead of the Straw Hat Pirates' next ship for anything but—!

"What are you all, blind or something? It's _obvious_ that he's a lion!"

"EXACTLY!" Franky laughed gratefully. "Thanks, Merry, I can't believe that—wait, _what?"_ the cyborg cut himself off as he and the other shipwrights spun around to behold the living proof of the Straw Hats' impossible capabilities.

And indeed, there stood said proof herself, looking notably healthier than the last time they had seen her, particularly the fact that she was supporting herself on only a single crutch.

But for all that Franky and the Galley-La workers were staring at her, Going Merry wasn't even looking at a single one of them and was instead staring past them.

"What are you thanking me for?" she asked softly, hobbling through the men and approaching the large yellow figurehead of her successor. "I meant what I said: it's _obvious_ what he is. I mean…" She cocked her head to the side slightly. "I suppose I can get _some_ of the confusion; even now, so young, he's… well, he's _radiant_ , but I honestly don't see how he could be mistaken for anything but what he is."

Iceburg blinked repeatedly as he attempted to parse the new arrival's words. "Merry? What are you doing here?"

The self-labeled ship-girl (girl-ship just didn't hit the ear even remotely right) jerked slightly at the interruption, grinning sheepishly (the irony was not lost on her) at the Galley-La owner. "Right, forgot about you guys… sorry for barging in here like this, I just wanted to see my big bro when I heard he was strong enough, you know?"

Iceburg and Franky exchanged looks before the metal-man raised his hand. "Ah… Merry? I dunno if you forgot or something, but I've been alright for awhile now."

"Heh, not you-big-bro," Merry said, hiding a giggle behind her fist before pointing her finger behind herself. "I mean _him-_ big-bro!"

The shipwrights all followed her finger, and then, one and all, they stiffened in realization as they followed her finger to the lion figurehead.

"Wait, here to see your bi—!" Paulie said incredulously. "Y-You mean… you're talking about… Merry, can you actually _talk_ to—! To—?"

"Uh… of course?" Merry tilted her head in honest confusion. "Why _wouldn't_ I be able to? I mean… I might be human _now,_ but I _am_ still a ship, remember? _Of course_ I can talk to my own kind."

For a few moments, the shipwrights just stood speechless. Franky was the first one to get past his surprise. At least, for the first matter. "But… wait, even if you can talk to ships, how… how can you talk to this one!? I mean…" He gestured at the figurehead and the scrap surrounding them all. "It's not built yet! Heck, it doesn't even have a _name!"_

Merry jerked her head back with an even _more_ confused look. "Uhh… what are you talking about? This is just his body, not _him._ Our keels are our spines, our crews are our hearts, but our souls? Our minds, _us?_ We're born when we're conceived in the minds of our makers. Sure, we're wispy and ethereal while we're still in there, but the more solid the idea is, preferably as it's drawn onto blueprints, we become more and more concrete!" Her expression slowly morphed into one of extreme fondness. "This big guy's been waiting to stretch his paws for three long years…"

Franky seemed awestruck at Merry's words, though oddly, with about as much composure as Iceburg had.

"HEY!" Tilestone suddenly roared. "SORRY FOR INTERRUPTING, BUT HOW COME YOU KEEP CALLING IT A 'HE'? I KNOW THAT SHIPS CAN BE BOTH BOYS AND GIRLS, BUT ISN'T IT A BIT EARLY TO TELL?"

"Hm… well, while we're asking questions…" Lulu mused as he idly patted his unruly horn of hair down, only causing it to grow on ("AH C'MON, LU!") Paulie's cigar. "May I ask why you're referring to this essentially newborn ship as your 'big' brother? You're older by a fair amount, even if we were to count the day you ate the fruit as your birth."

"Ah…" Merry swapped her gaze between the two before pointing at Lulu. "Well, starting with you, it _should_ be pretty obvious even to you, no?" She waved her hand at the ship's figurehead. "I mean… look at him! Ah…" She flinched with a sheepish smile. "His… _actual_ body, I mean. I just… his figurehead alone…" Merry slowly shuffled around so that she was facing the start of her brother in full, eyes full of awe. "He's… He's going to be big. Bigger than me. Bigger than anything out of the East Blue, bigger than Old Mans Dicky and Jackson. Why the hell _wouldn't_ I call him my big bro? He's gonna be the biggest in the whole wide ocean!"

And then, Merry's entire being seemed to light up with energy as she stared ahead in excitement. "And Tilestone… there's no mistaking him for anything _but_ a he. H-He's just so… So _big,_ so _proud_ and confident and…!" Merry raised a hand to rest it on the figurehead's mane…

_**ROOOOAAAAAR!** _

All the shipwrights jumped in shock when a gust of wind suddenly blew through Scrap Island, causing the stray bits and ends of junk in the scrapyard to shift and let loose a noise that sounded… not unlike a roar.

In stark contrast to the grown men around her, Merry's only reaction was to let out a laugh, a joy-filled laugh that was accompanied with tears of pure elation shimmering in her eyes.

"And he's so _eager!"_ Merry breathed in wonder. "I mean, just _listen_ to him! He doesn't want to be kept here, in pieces and immobile, he wants to be out _there!"_ She swept her arm out at the sea. "Out challenging the waves to fight, out fighting the currents for domination every second of his existence, out running so fast that not even the winds can outpace him! He's… He's…"

Merry spun around to stare at Franky, nothing short of pure adoration in her eyes. "He's going to be a King," she whispered. "Franky, you've made a _King._ When you let him loose on the oceans, he's going to go out there and do what he was made to do, _born_ to do, and that's _rule._ He's going to rule each and every last inch of the oceans because he _knows_ he can do it."

She slowly turned her gaze upward, a dreamy smile on her face as she swayed back and forth on her heels. "It's only right that he join our crew the second he's born, no? After all, who else could possibly be worthier of bearing the King of the Pirates to his throne than the rightful King of the Seas himself?"

The two greatest shipwrights in the world and their three best understudies merely stared up at the lion's figurehead, starting to grasp the magnitude of what they were about to do. This was now more than giving their saviors the only reward good enough for them. The ship they were about to build would be the most momentous creation of the island since Pluton, since the Oro Jackson itself.

This ship would be their… no, this ship would be the legacy of the entire island of Water 7.

And that meant…

"…say, Merry," Franky mused, cradling his chin thoughtfully. "How long do you think you can stay here?" He slowly let a devious grin slide onto his face. "I'd like to bounce one or twenty ideas off of you and your big bro, so that I can make his body just that much more _SUPER._ Whaddaya say, Little Sis Merry?"

Merry matched his smile tooth for tooth. "I say bring it right the hell on, Big Bro Franky,"

Judging by the way Scrap Island roared anew, the nascent ship of the Straw Hat Pirates was in _complete_ agreement.

**-o-**

The next two days were essentially business as usual for the Straw Hat Pirates, which included our typical antics (ten explosions from Chopper's experiments, three prank wars, each instigated by but not participated in by Robin, and _at least_ one collapsed building a day whenever Boss got _serious_ about training his boys, thankfully only from the abandoned collection in the lower island), assorted instances of either gloating or sulking over respective bounties (both, in my and Soundbite's cases), and scattered bits and pieces of training and brainstorming here and there.

In my spare time, I also managed to catch a few hints of the local filler episodes, which included Sanji bringing back a few hefty bags of salt to our HQ (much to Soundbite's _ear-shattering_ terror), a few _choice_ blackmail photos of Zoro hauling a trio of anklebiters around, and the Union holding what appeared to be a candlelit vigil for those of their number that hadn't managed to survive the Aqua Laguna.

But amidst all of it, the good times and the bad, whether causing mayhem or the victim of it or even simply relaxing, one universal emotion among the crew was hype for what the new ship would be like. Hell, even _I_ was excited about it; after all, apart from the massive difference between the story and the reality and me being eager to meet, well… _whoever_ our ship would be, Merry herself had assured me that she'd been personally helping Franky revamp his original blueprints. As a result, not even _I_ knew what was coming, and for once, rather than dreading the unknown, I positively _relished_ it.

Still, amidst the familiar, there were also a couple of noteworthy, significantly out-of-the-ordinary occurrences as well. For example, the upgrading of Funkfreed. The blade-Zoan had begged off incorporating a Thunder Dial or poison into his body, deeming both ideas far too uncomfortable, but we soon managed to come to an accord. Namely, an offhand comment from Nami about how she was using her Clima-Tact led to us commandeering a Water Dial from Conis' massive arsenal and one of the spare Jet Dials to come up with a _brilliant_ (if I do say so myself) innovation for the zombies of Thriller Bark once we reached them.

Another pleasing development was when we got a call from Dorry and Broggy, upon which we confirmed that the Marines that had arrived for them were indeed trustworthy. Since Hina herself had accompanied them to confirm, I took the chance to ask her to let the giants in on the full secret, so that even after she rejoined her main fleet at the Capes, they'd at least have a toe in the water in preparation for our little 'business meeting'.

But still, for all that the relative monotony was nice, it was eventually broken wide open by our next big occurrence… well, _occuring_ on the evening of the fifth day since the destruction of Enies Lobby. And it all started… with a royal flush in a game of poker I was involved in.

**-o-**

" **YOU HAVE GOT TO BE** _ **SCREWING ME!"**_

Or rather, that _Soundbite_ was involved in while I handled all his cards for him. What, you really thought that _I_ would be caught dead playing poker when I was already up to my non-existent _halo_ in debt with Nami? I'm seven flavors of crazy, but I sure as hell ain't… _that_ stupid.

Soundbite, however, absolutely _was_ that stupid and was attempting to throw down with Robin, Boss, Chopper and Zoro. Or, in other words, the four absolute _worst_ people for anyone to go up against in a poker game, as evidenced by Chopper laying down a nice line of royalty on the table before us.

"I think I won this one," the reindeer said with a joyful grin. "A royal flush! That's the best hand, right?"

"Almost, Chopper," Boss chuckled eagerly. "A royal flush is better than any other hand, but the diamonds are the weakest suit. Meaning…" Boss lowered his flippers, revealing _another_ series running from the 10 to the Ace. "That a royal flush in _clubs_ makes me the winner."

" _BULL-_ SHIT!"

"Now, now, Boss," Robin purred. "The clubs are only one rank higher. A royal flush in hearts would be stronger still, and a royal flush in _spades…"_ She spread her hand out, displaying her cards for all to see. "Is the absolute best you can get. So, as they say in East Blue City, read them and weep."

"Ooooh…" I winced sympathetically.

" _ **FOR THE LOVE**_ _of escar-FUCKING-_ **GO!"**

"Same to you, Robin," Zoro chuckled, revealing his own hand— _which was another freaking royal flush—IN SPADES?!_

" **OKAY,** _ **that's where I CALL ACTUAL**_ BULLSHIT!" Soundbite fumed. " _YOU ASSHATS ARE ALL_ _ **CHEATING!"**_

All four of them gave Soundbite looks like he'd just sprouted legs and started dancing the can-can. "Uh, _duh?"_ Boss questioned incredulously. "What, you never played poker before or something?"

Soundbite and I slowly exchanged looks before the gastropod narrowed his eyes at the marine mammal. " _Explain."_

"It's quite simple, really," Robin smiled innocently as a quartet of arms sprouted from her shoulders and started flipping cards amongst themselves. "As pirates are all merciless, utterly lawless criminals, it's become a tradition in the game of poker and most other card games that the participants all cheat to the best of their ability, with punishment only ever occurring should someone be able to catch them in the act. I believe that my own experience in the fine arts of swindling should be self-evident."

"I made a decent amount of money in my bounty hunting days this way," Zoro said. "And it helps train dexterity."

"A few pirates of that sort clashed with the Dugong tribe once or twice, we learned how to play and… well, you know how we are about competing," Boss shrugged.

"I just followed their examples. Did you really not notice?" Chopper asked, and I couldn't be sure if the innocence in his tone was genuine or not.

Soundbite's eyestalks twitched murderously, and I reached for my headphones in case he decided to get loud—

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ OF ALL THE _**freaking**_ **times!"**

And lowered them as he began ringing, looking at the others at the table. "Hang on a sec, guys. If this is what I think it is, we'll need to cut the game short."

"Tsk," Boss snorted as he started re-shuffling the deck. "And just when I was actually starting to turn a profit on you suckers."

"Yeah, yeah, bloodsucker," I waved the martial-artist off as I dug through my bag. A glance at my transceiver's display confirmed that the call was from who I expected it to be from, thus prompting me to start thinking. "Alright, let's see… ah, I've got one." I snapped my fingers with a malicious grin before picking up. "Rain Dinners casino, Mr. Deep-6 speaking. How may I help you?"

"… _I think I preferred the ones that_ weren't _real,"_ Tashigi sighed. " _Never mind that. Cross, our assignment is over, and we've contacted everyone else. The meeting starts in fifteen minutes. Are you ready for this?"_

I blinked, and took a minute to remember the locations of my other confidants before nodding. "Yeah, that should be enough time to gather everyone and relocate to somewhere more… appropriate." I smiled casually. "Anyone I should be aware of on your end besides Tsuru?"

" _No, she's the only—"_ Tashigi cut herself off with an abrupt scowl. "… _damn it, how do you_ do _that?!"_

"Hey, it's not like it was hard to figure out…" I glanced to the side with a smirk. "Or that you're hard to trick…"

" _Kindly bend over and_ kiss my— _KA-LICK!"_

"Eesh, even _I'm_ actually starting to feel sorry for her at this point," Zoro muttered as he got to his feet.

" _I ain't!"_ Soundbite and I chorused, but I was swift to sober up. "But there's more to this one than just prodding the Marines. Soundbite, get the Union to pick up Merry, Vivi and Nami and bring them to meet us at the _one_ location appropriate for an occasion this momentous."

"Oh?" Robin regarded me curiously even as she and Chopper accepted new hands from Boss. "And where would that be?"

I slowly allowed a grin to crawl across my face as I pressed my fingers together.

**-o-**

"…The lip of the fountain. Really, Cross? Really?" Nami deadpanned.

"Oh, come on, Nami, look around!" I laughed, spreading my arms out to indicate the city below us and the reddening horizon in the distance, all plainly visible from the edge of the city's fountain. "We're about to take our efforts to change the world to a whole new level! Can you honestly tell me that this _isn't_ the best view for the occasion?"

"And even if it wasn't, just look at it!" Merry said with a radiant grin as she made a show of balancing right on the lip of the drop with her arms spread wide. "If there's one thing I love about being human, it's being able to look at things from this high up for _longer_ than a minute while plummeting to the ocean!"

Nami pursed her lips as she stared out at the horizon, and was shaken from her thoughts when Vivi laid her hand on her shoulder. "Ass though he might be, even I have to admit he has a point: this _is_ awesome beyond words."

At that, our negotiator heaved a defeated sigh. "Weeeeell…"

Soundbite and Merry giggled at her apparent defeat, while Zoro merely continued meditating in silence. Then the latter of the immature brats turned her view back to me. "By the way, when do we get codenames?" she asked. Her smile then took on an impish overtone as everyone looked back at her in confusion. "Well, I dunno about you all, but we can't _all_ be 'Ophiuchus' confidant,' and Soundbite is already folded into that—"

"THE _hell_ _ **I AM!"**_ the snail snapped. " _I came up_ **with my own** _ **CODENAME two days ago.**_ _YOU CAN CALL ME_ KNUCKER."

I frowned at the snail. "You… no, of _course_ you took a swear word and changed the first letter, what else was I expecting," I deadpanned.

"EX- _CUSE_ ME! _A KNUCKER_ _ **is a**_ **serpentine DRAGON,"** Soundbite huffed indignantly… before grinning impishly. " **Buuut,** _ **that may**_ _have been PART OF IT._ **As for the rest,** _well…_ HOW FOND ARE YOU _**of the works of one Quentin Tarantino?"**_

It took merely a second for me to get what he was implying before scowling. "Oh, hell no, I know where this is going and we are _not_ basing ourselves off—! Of…" I trailed off as I looked around at my assembled crewmates. "…okay, on second thought, I see what you're getting at here, never mind"

" _GLAD TO_ _ **HEAR IT! Now listen up, people,**_ **BECAUSE UNLESS YOU HAVE ANY** OBJECTIONS, _these are your new_ **codenames!"**

Thirty seconds of listing later, Merry was beaming, Zoro was indifferent, Nami was content, and Vivi was uncertain.

"Ah, I have a couple of issues with mine—"

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **OVERRULED!"** Soundbite cheered.

Vivi sighed, and shook her head. "I guess I can get used to it…" she muttered despondently.

I smirked, but I allowed myself to fall into seriousness as I picked up the snail. Just this once, for this, I could legitimately nut up and shut up, if only to lull Tashigi into a false sense of security.

"Ophiuchus," I stated clearly.

" _Pisces and co."_ Tashigi immediately responded. " _Considering how many of us are present at the moment, I felt like it'd be just quicker for me to vouch for everyone."_

"That's fine," I nodded.

" _Hm…"_ a particularly wizened voice hummed thoughtfully. " _Is that so? So easily? Quite the casual operation you're running here, Mister Cross."_

I quirked up a grin. "Well, what can I say, Vice Admiral Tsuru?" I queried innocently, causing Vivi's spine to shoot ramrod straight even as the blood vacated her face. "We've been making do with what we had available, and a particularly wise and seasoned individual like you wasn't involved until now. And besides, in case you haven't noticed? We're the Straw Hat Pirates, we do everything casually."

" _Hmph,"_ Tsuru sniffed. " _I can't argue with that, I suppose._ _So, Mister Cross. I was informed about some form of deal or other concerning the nature of your intelligence and my participation in this endeavor. Care to elaborate?"_

"Hmm…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully before waving my hand. "Soon enough, soon enough. First things first: our newest two members in what I'd like to formally dub the 'Zodiac of the Damned'. I've already screened them, and I know that we can trust them in our endeavor. But just to confirm, does anybody object to the addition of the 'Blue' and 'Red Ogres' Dorry and Broggy and 'Roar of the Seas' Scratchman Apoo to our ranks?"

Following a brief pause for thought, I received a broad chorus of general agreement and confirmation.

"Right then, let's do this." I rolled my fingers at Soundbite, and a moment later there was an unforgettably tell-tale click. "Apoo, Dorry, Broggy, you there?"

" _But of course!" "Without a doubt!"_

" _I wouldn't miss this for the world!"_

"Alright, then…" I said, rubbing my hands together in anticipation. "This is it, you guys. You've already gotten a general overview of our goals, but once we give you our names, you're in it to win it with no way out. Are you ready for that kind of commitment? Ready to butt heads with the world itself?"

" _But of course!"_ Broggy cackled. " _For I can truly think of no better way to celebrate the end of our century-long hiatus!"_

" _And besides,"_ Dorry grinned malevolently. " _We've been cracking World Government and Marine skulls since before you were small, white and gooey. Taking it to the next level? That just makes things all the more_ fun."

" _Apapa! My thoughts exactly!"_ Apoo concurred with a massive grin. " _Heck, the only reason my tribe hasn't come together and started giving them hell already is that whenever we try, we always wind up robbing each other blind!"_

"Seriously?" Nami hissed out of the corner of her mouth at Vivi.

"I'm only just keeping from checking my pockets _listening_ to a Long-Arm's voice!" Vivi shot back.

"Right, then. Dorry, Broggy, you'll be sharing the codename of 'Ox.' No better for the living epitome of strength."

" _HUZZAH!"_ the pair bellowed joyously.

"And Apoo, I believe that Monkey should suit you just fine."

_That_ caused Apoo's grin to slip into an uneasy frown. " _Apa… wait, hang on… 'Monkey'? But wait, what about—?"_

" _What about Luffy, huh!?"_ Bartolomeo barked indignantly. " _Ain't he gonna be a part of this or somethin'?!"_

" _Rooster—!"_ Hina started.

"No, he's not, Rooster," I interrupted. "Because not only is that not who Luffy is, it's not his _job._ Luffy is our captain, which means that he leads us down the Grand Line, that he'll lead us to Raftel and that he'll earn his crown as Pirate King. I, however, am my crew's tactician. That means that I plan things out for the long run, that I look at the big picture. I started all of this and got involved in this because when Luffy earns his crown, he's going to rule the seas, all but rule the world… and when that happens, I'm going to _damn well_ make sure that the world is ready. That it's one he'll be happy… no, no, one he'll be _proud_ to travel and explore." I shook my head. "And that's _not_ his duty. That is and always _will_ be mine. Got me?"

Silence fell as everyone took that in and while I couldn't be certain what they were all thinking, I saw clear approval in my confidants' expressions, with Merry being particularly exuberant. Then the silence broke in a very predictable way:

" _ALL HAIL DA STWAWHAT PIWATES!"_

" _Oh, perfect, now you've got him started…"_ Foxy sighed.

"Oh, don't worry, I believe I can snap him out of it. Rooster, I understand that you're happy, but we need to move on. So, either you get your shit together, or I pull out my, shall we say, _Buster-grade_ option?"

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, ROOSTER!"_

" _WONDAF—grk! R-Right, then, what's next?"_ Bartolomeo asked.

" _Apa… that'd be me accepting my codename,"_ the newly christened Monkey replied.

"Glad to hear it," I nodded as I started to pace. "Now, with that all out of the way, I suggest we welcome our newest allies with a round of introductions, just to make sure that we don't attack each other by accident on the high seas. Agreed?" Another round of agreements. "Perfect. We'll start off with the presiding officers who actually brought both factions of our little group together, IE me and mine. You already know me, 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, third mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, codename Ophiuchus."

"' _Voice of Anarchy'_ **SOUNDBITE,** _ **co-communications officer**_ _OF THE_ STRAW HAT PIRATES. _Call me_ _**KNUCKER, and if anyone cracks wise,**_ **I'll purée their eardrums."**

Merry snickered at the threat before smiling from ear-to-ear. "Hiya! I'm new to this shindig, but I'm in it for the long haul! I'm 'White Menace' Going Merry, but on the job you can call me Cottonmouth!"

"'Corsair Princess' Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates, codename…" Vivi briefly gnawed on her lip before heaving a defeated sigh. "…Copperhead."

Zoro grunted and shifted slightly on his feet. "'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro, first mate of the Straw Hat Pirates. Sidewinder."

Nami took a moment to respond, but once I rolled my fingers at her she shook her head in defeat. "'Weather Witch' Nami, second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, codename Callie—"

" _ **SHORT FOR**_ CALIFORNIA MOUNTAIN SNAKE!" Soundbite explained, sticking his tongue out. " _Obscure reference, don't ask."_

Nami heaved a weary sigh. "—and believe me when I say that you _really_ don't want to ask."

"Alright, that's us," I continued. "Now, as for everyone else, I hope you don't mind, but I've taken the liberty of adapting names for our two factions. Let's start with our allies in the Navy, who shall be henceforth be referred to as, unless there are any objections, the Zodiac of the Divine. Let's go with order of joining, please."

There was a brief moment of hushed discussion before a smoke-filled sigh came over the line. " _It'd be nice if you actually_ told _us before you decided this shit for us, Cross…"_ the gaseous Logia huffed. " _Commodore 'White Hunter' Smoker, codename Cancer."_

" _Lieutenant Junior Grade Tashigi, codename Pisces. Welcome to the fight."_

" _Captain 'Black Cage' Hina has the codename Capricorn. Hina also agrees with Smoker, but also admits that matters could be worse."_

" _Captain 'Ship Cutter' T-Bone, codename Scorpio. Pardon me if I do not have much to contribute this evening, I'm still recovering from… what I am starting to realize was a somewhat ill-conceived endeavor."_

"Hey, look at it this way, it could have been way worse!" I 'reassured' the gaunt Marine. "You could have gone up against _Zoro!"_ The three-swordsman in question grinned as he clicked an inch of Wado Ichimonji's blade out of its sheath.

"… _suddenly, I feel much better."_

" _Trust me, the feeling of fatigue rivaling a hangover is a standard part of surviving a fight with the Straw Hat Pirates. My entire base and I know all too well. Ah, yes, I almost forgot, I'm Vice Admiral 'Chessmaster' Jonathan, codename Sagittarius. Nice to meet you all."_

" _And that makes me the last, then? Very well. Vice Admiral 'Great Staff Officer' Tsuru, codename Aquarius."_

"Nice to have you as a part of this, Vice Admiral," I nodded politely. "That makes six seats out of eleven filled, but with any luck we'll be able to fix that—"

" _Wait, what do you mean eleven, Cross?"_ Tashigi cut in. " _There are twelve signs in each Zodiac, and even then—!"_

"You're telling me that _any_ relatively sane and informed person we recruit in the future will be willing to go by either 'Virgo' or 'Dragon,' given the _others_ we know with those names?" I interrupted right back.

"… _withdrawn."_

"Good. And if Sagittarius and Aquarius haven't been informed yet, I'll trust you to fix that as soon as this call is over. Now, for our pirate allies known as the Zodiac of the Damned. This time, newcomers first."

" _Eh, we've already said it before, but hell, might as well go again. 'Red Ogre' Broggy—"_

" _And 'Blue Ogre' Dorry—"_

" _Co-captains of the Giant Warrior Pirates, codename Ox! GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA!"_

" _Co-captains of the Giant Warrior Pirates, codename Ox! GABABABABABA!"_

" _Apapapa! This here is 'Roar of the Sea' Scratchman Apoo, Captain of the On Air Pirates, codename Monkey! Grand Line represent, Apapa!"_

" _And East Blue represents right back with 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, Captain of the Barto Club and codename Rooster! Let's hurry the hell up, I heard something about the truth of Cross's intel, and I damn well wanna know!"_

" _That sentiment is reflected with me, the infamous Foxy 'the Silver Fox', Captain of the Foxy Pirates and incognito Commander of the Straw Hat Pirates Recruitment Division, codename Goat! I wanna know how this smarmy bastard managed to utterly dismantle my winning streak, and I want to know now!"_

"Trust me, that little combo breaker did _not_ hinge on my presence," I coughed into my fist.

" _Perhaps not,"_ came the (thankfully masked) voice of Boa Marigold. " _But I am equally interested in learning how you've acquired the impossible knowledge you've shown."_

There was a brief silence before Soundbite scowled in a manner that left no doubt as to the cigar-chewing identity of the speaker. " _And you would be?"_

"… _Call me Cobra,"_ Marigold finally responded. " _I would take the name of Snake, but I believe that that's best suited for my… superior, should they choose to join after I give them my opinion of this organization. I apologize for not giving a name, but anonymity is key in this instance. For now, however, I believe that Ophiuchus and Rooster can both support my presence, if only as an observer and commentator."_

"I can," I nodded.

" _Yeah, she's on the up-and-up,"_ Bartolomeo concurred, although going by the way Soundbite's expression had contorted, I'd say that he was currently occupied with digging for gold.

There were a few more muttered complaints echoing about here and there, but Jonathan's voice easily cut through them. " _I suppose that two endorsements will have to be enough, then. But for now, if we're ready to begin…"_ Jonathan's expression fell flat. " _I believe that our first order of business should be plainly obvious. What do you say, Cross? Are you finally willing to share your secrets?"_

"Yes, you've waited long enough, and as Tsuru is here, it's obvious that you've kept your end of the deal," I said tiredly. "But I'm warning you: even with the impossibility of what I know, I will not be surprised if you still don't believe me. Just a fair warning."

" _I doubt that, Cross,"_ deadpanned several of the listeners.

I shrugged while my confidants hid smirks. "Very well. Let me give you all the details I can, with as much explanation I can provide. First of all, have any of you ever heard of the multiverse theory?"

**-o-**

"… _You son of a bitch, you_ weren't _just spouting nonsense on Skypiea,"_ Tashigi groaned.

" _It's not that surprising, in hindsight,"_ Jonathan mused, albeit with a slight twitch in his grin. " _Sometimes the honest truth is just too… unbelievable to handle as the truth."_

" _Apapa… maybe so, but still…"_ Apoo ground his teeth uncomfortably. " _Look, I'm just playing devil's advocate for the sake of advocacy, but the things you're talking about… an omnipotent something or other, alternate worlds? Somebody's gotta voice what we're all thinking here, if only so that it don't rot, alright?"_

" _Eh…"_ Foxy hedged with a few shifty glances. " _If it helps, I've… come into contact with the same whatchamacallit that he's talking about, this… this 'B.R.O.B.' thing, during my initial encounter with the crew. It was brief and I'd…"_ He shivered fearfully. " _I'd_ really _rather not talk about it, but still, it-it was more than enough to convince me of the veracity of his words just now."_

" _Hrm…"_ Tsuru hummed before nodding to herself. " _Jeremiah Cross, how many levels are there in Impel Down?"_

I hesitated slightly at the question before bowing my head with a grimace. "…Six," I admitted before shooting a dark glare at Soundbite. "But if anyone else were to ask me, I would say five every single time, because as much as I criticize the government, I'll agree that there are some people you need to just lock up and melt the key _._ So let me be clear: nobody is to ever, _ever_ breathe a word of the Eternal Hell outside of this group."

"… _Well said, Jeremiah Cross,"_ the old Vice Admiral said, approval and nerves equally prominent in her voice. " _As it stands, any doubt I personally held has been dispelled, though I do dread the events that could have led to such a story_ including _Level Six. For now, should anyone still harbor any doubts, I would suggest that you contemplate the audacity fallacy."_

There was a moment of silence before Soundbite sighed through newly acquired shark teeth. " _Mind explaining?"_ Bartolomeo grumbled.

" _Ahh… ah, yes, I've actually heard of this before!"_ Tashigi offered. " _Basically, it's the question of why anyone would make an incredibly outrageous lie like that if they were lying? We'd be more likely to believe something less audacious; ergo, it must be true."_

"… _Uh…"_

" _Yes, I know that there are problems with that line of reasoning,"_ Tashigi assured him. " _After all, that's why it's a_ fallacy _. Though… in this case, you do have to admit that it makes sense, right?"_

" _Yeah… yeah, I guess it does,"_ Apoo nodded. " _Alright, what the hell. I'm satisfied. It's totally nutty…"_ The long-arm grinned widely. " _But in the end, above all else? I trust Cross. So if believing this is crazy… APAPAPA! What the hell am I saying!? I'm a Grand Line Native, I'm_ already _crazy!"_

" _Hear hear!"_ Dorry and Broggy chorused as one.

There were a few more vocal signs of agreements, a bunch of nods, and then a brief period of hushed exchanges. Then Jonathan spoke up.

" _So, then, I believe we've just managed to handle our prerequisite business in a timely manner, so let's move onto our business proper. Who'd like to begin?"_

"Ah… actually?" I grinned sheepishly as I raised my hand, wincing at the chorus of groans that sounded as a result.

" _What should we have expected…"_ T-Bone groaned wearily.

" _Unsurprised, Hina is absolutely not surprised at all…"_ the cage-woman huffed.

" _Apa… Cross really loves to hear his own voice, doesn't he?"_

" _Tell me about it, he reminds me of Ito more often than not…"_

"Oh, cram it up your bilges, it's not like what Cross talks about _isn't_ important!" Merry protested on my behalf… before donning a cheeky grin. " _Most_ of the time, at least…"

"Half the time…" Vivi conceded as she twirled a lock of her hair around her finger.

"Once in awhile…" Zoro grumbled, digging a finger in his ear.

"Like, one percent of what he says?" Nami mused, using her clouds to buff her nails.

"So much respect, I really feel the love…" I grumbled, rolling my eyes. "I am serious, though. Before we go any further? There are some facts about us that need to change."

" _Like what, Cross?"_ Smoker grunted.

I wiped my expression clean as I popped up a finger. "We need to rethink what we call ourselves." I raised a second finger. "And with that rebranding, we need to restructure our goals for the future."

" _Ohoh?"_ Tsuru raised an eyebrow thoughtfully. " _Well, you've certainly managed to snag my interest. Care to share what you have in mind, Mister Cross?"_

"Well, it's like this, see," I said, tenting my fingers together. "Our current name, MI, Marine Integrity, it was fine at first, when it was just Marines fighting to remove and replace a rotten system. But now… well, now we've grown beyond that. Ox, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, even my own crew and Cobra's. It's not _just_ Marine interests being represented here, but pirates too!"

" _And what of it?"_ T-Bone rasped dryly. " _What 'interests' of pirates should we consider, hm?"_

Vivi winced uncomfortably as she raised her hands to her ears. "Ooooh, _this_ is going to be loud…"

And indeed, the following roar from our… less law-abiding compatriots would have shamed a banshee. And the loudest of all was Bartolomeo, who was leading the charge in the protests.

" _WATCH YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH YOU TOO-FRESH CORPSE! WE'RE AS MUCH A PART OF THIS FUCKING THING AS YOU BITCHES, MEANING THAT WE HAVE JUST AS MUCH FUCKING SAY IN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS!"_

" _HOLD YOUR TONGUE, YOU INSOLENT CUR!"_ T-Bone bellowed back, giving just as fiercely as he was getting. " _FOR YEARS THOSE WHO FLY THE BLACK FLAG HAVE LOOTED AND PILLAGED THE WORLD, SLAUGHTERING AND ENDANGERING THE INNOCENT WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A HINT OF EITHER RHYME OR REASON! THEY ARE A SCOURGE UPON THE WORLD BY THEIR VERY EXISTENCE, AND THEY DESERVE—!"_

Right, that's where I draw the line.

"Cover your ears," I growled under my breath as I shot my hand into my bag. I gave my friends just enough time to defend their eardrums, and then…

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

"BOTH OF YOU, _SHUT THE HELL UP!"_ I roared in the silence that followed my multi-decibel blast. I huffed a bit to get my breath back before forging on. "T-Bone, think about what the _hell_ you're saying, damn it! 'Scourge by their very existence'? And ' _deserve'!?_ That's the exact kind of shit that _Akainu_ spouts, T-Bone, the same bile that the _Elder Stars_ peddle! Is that really what you want in life, T-Bone?! Is _that_ the level you want to sink to!?"

Another silence fell, though it broke just as quickly with T-Bone's weary and ashamed sigh. " _My… My apologies, Cross. I have never conformed to the spirit of such teachings… but I have been forced to recite them for years on end, and as such the spewing of such lies has become all but second nature for me. Still, I acknowledge that there is no real excuse for my words."_

I nodded in acceptance at the apology, but my scowl snapped right back into place when Bartolomeo spoke again. No, wait, did I say 'spoke'? I meant _started cackling._

" _Hehahahaha! Nice job putting him in his place, boss-ma—!"_

"Bartolomeo, kindly _stuff it_ before I reach halfway across the world and _shove your pompadour down your throat,"_ I practically snarled, reducing Bartolomeo to stunned silence.

" _C-Cross, wha—!?"_ he started weakly.

"'What' would be the fact that you're acting like a royal jackass _when you don't have any grounds to stand on,"_ I spat. "And why? Well, you kind of _burned it_ when you became involved with a few names. Names like Kironoa, Eolialso, the _Prisca Santana,_ the… ugh, _Crobin?"_

" _Heeheehee_ _ **hoohoohoo—!"**_

"Plug it before I plug you," I snarled, prompting Soundbite to flinch self-consciously. "And Barto, you had _damn well_ better remember those names, or else what little respect I have for you at the moment is going to hit _rock fucking bottom."_

" _Wha—Of_ course _I remember, those were some of the—!…ah… w-well, t-the islands and t-the ships that my crew—!"_ Barto flinched as my glare redoubled. " _Ah… t-that_ I _raided! B-but—!"_ The barrier-man swallowed heavily as he tried to regroup. " _W-What the hell of it? So I raid a bit, big fucking whoop! T-That's what pirates do!"_

There was a brief moment of painfully tense silence before I leaned forward. "'That's what pirates do', is it?" I hissed. "Do me a favor, would you… remind me when was the last time that the _Straw Hats_ pulled a raid on civilians?"

" _Wha-?! B-But that's—!?"_

"Or the last time the Sun Pirates did something like that," I forged on through gritted teeth. "Or the Red-Haired Pirates? Or the _Whitebeard Pirates?!"_

" _A-Ah… I, ah… t-that's, ah…"_ Barto muttered uncomfortably, shifting his eyes side to side as he tried to keep his cool.

"Cross…" Zoro said in warning.

I glanced back at the swordsman before heaving a defeated sigh. "I… alright, fine. Look, T-Bone, Barty, what I'm trying to get at is that for all you two were acting like royal _dicks_ earlier, you're _also_ not wrong. T-Bone, you have to keep in mind that Pirates are still human, or at least sentient living beings, but Barty, _you_ need to acknowledge that the vast majority of pirates are _amoral monsters."_

" _Hey, that's not—!"_

"Kuro, Krieg, Crocodile, _Blackbeard,"_ I listed off dryly.

"… _withdrawn,"_ the barrier-man whispered.

" _Alright, look, we're getting off-topic here,"_ Foxy snorted. " _Barto might be an idiot, but the rest of us have no such compunctions about our, shall we say, 'chosen profession.' What exactly is the point you're trying to drive at here?"_

"What I'm trying to get at is that for all that there are _bad_ pirates," I continued undaunted. "There are still _good_ pirates in the world as well. Pirates who only go out onto the seas in search of adventure, out of a lust for _freedom._ And unless I'm mistaken, it's safe to say that those same pirates are represented here today, correct?"

" _I…"_ Bartolomeo hesitated slightly before nodding firmly. " _Yeah… Yeah, you're damn right!"_

" _But of course!"_ Broggy laughed.

" _After all!"_ Dorry proclaimed. " _What need have we giants for gold? Nay, we set out to sea in search of honor and glory for Elbaf!"_

" _Eh, me and mine do like the gold, but we tend to take it from other pirates, so I say we're in the green,"_ Foxy smirked.

" _To steal the crown of the King of the Pirates all for myself… Apapa, I'll go down in my tribe's history!"_ Apoo cackled ecstatically.

Vivi blinked thoughtfully. "Wait, doesn't that mean—?"

"Shhh," Merry shushed her with a grin. "I wanna see how this plays out in the future!"

" _There is nothing in the world that matters more than freedom,"_ Marigold quietly contributed.

"I believe I've made my point" I stated. "Now, dedicating ourselves to the integrity of the Marines was all well and good when it was _just_ Marines here, but let's face it! This organization has _expanded_ beyond the corruption of the Navy, and our goals have to expand with it. What I propose is thus: that what we no longer merely aim to rebuild Justice… but rather, that we aim to rebuild the whole world. It is my personal opinion that together, we must strive to build a world where those who do not seek adventure or excitement are justly protected, yes… but _also_ a world that allows those who are swayed by the lure of the seas, swayed by adventure and freedom, to follow their calling freely, and without worry."

There was a long pause as everyone considered my word.

" _Eh, what the hell, I've been backing crazy long odds since day one anyways,"_ Smoker muttered with a sigh.

" _It sounds idealistic… but honestly, Hina does not believe that that is a point_ against _it, all things considered,"_ Hina added.

" _And besides, since when have crazy long odds meant anything to the Straw Hats or anyone on their side?"_ Jonathan mused with a smirk.

" _We could definitely support something like that,"_ Dorry hummed.

" _Bigger fights and bigger risks?"_ Broggy cackled. " _You're damn right we can support the hell out of that!"_

" _APAPAPA! Trust the Straw Hats to jump to the absolute_ craziest _option!"_ Apoo cackled.

" _Ergh…"_ Foxy sighed with a grimace. " _I'm technically a part of their crew, so I'm going right to hell alongside them no matter what I say…"_ He donned a pained smile a moment later. " _So I guess that means I might as well charge right in with everything I've got!"_

" _So, Mister Cross, if I am understanding you correctly,"_ Tsuru cut in with a measure of sharpness. " _You're proposing that we strive first for destroying the current world… and then rebuilding from the ashes to create an entirely new world as well as we can manage? Is that right?"_

I made to respond, and then I grinned from ear to ear as a thought struck me. "Yes… yes, that's _exactly_ what I'm proposing! And as such…" I spread my arms invitingly before all of my comrades, physically present or otherwise. "Unless anyone protests, be it either to this change of objective or to what I'm about to suggest, it is my official opinion that we change this organization's name to something that makes our purpose evident to all. Ladies, Gentlemen, assorted bastards and bitches… I propose that henceforth, we label ourselves as the New World Masons. All in favor?"

" _Aye!"_ a unanimous chorus of voices sounded out, with varying amounts of enthusiasm.

"Motion carried!" I nodded gratefully. "Anyways, that's everything particularly pressing at the moment. Who's up next?"

" _No, he's on_ **first."**

_THWACK!_

" _ **YEOW!"**_ Soundbite flinched back into his shell with a yelp.

"Thank you," I nodded gratefully at Zoro.

"Just be happy I didn't hit _you_ too," he countered.

" _Well, if I may?"_ Jonathan cut in, though without any heat. " _I am currently in possession of two pieces of news, both good and bad. Beginning with the brighter news: with the heavy damage to Blackarm Island, the Navy is in need of a new training base for their recruits, and have selected Navarone. Not only will this omit any lingering budget issues we have, but it should also prove an invaluable resource in turning soldiers to our number, as well as spreading our presence and influence across the globe."_

I struggled not to let a massive grin split my face; with Jonathan in command, not even Akainu was likely to root out the mole mine we were setting up. But the other part of what he said still stuck in my mind, leading me to refusing to let me celebrate yet.

"And… the bad news?" I asked, not stopping the dread that creeped into my voice.

Jonathan's smile promptly dropped into a frown. " _Well, the former staff of Blackarm Island has relocated to the fortress so as to_ continue _training operations, and after gauging the personality of the chief instructor, I elected to try offering him the position of Taurus. He seemed intrigued at first, but the moment I brought up that we were acquiring intelligence from pirates, he closed off entirely."_

I felt my heart threatening to explode. "Sooo on a scale of one to ten, ten being 'Akainu's on his way'—?" I began weakly.

" _Calm down, Cross. He may not be willing to join us, but he's not willing to betray us either. He simply has his reservations about cooperating with pirates. When it comes to matters of justice, he acknowledges the corruption of the World Government, and he respects our endeavors to fix it."_

"Mmph… and the SBS hasn't done anything to change his view of pirates?" I ground out.

" _It had, Cross. But the recent attack by 'Captain' Kid has served to remind him of all the reasons why he and his_ despise _pirates."_

I promptly slapped a hand to my face, groaning. "Right, I read something about that dumbass almost getting torn in two by an ex-Admiral, of course it'd be the same one…"

"Ah, if I may?" Vivi spoke up. "Just how deep is this ex-Admiral's grudge against pirates? Because maybe I could try and—"

" _In the early days of his career, he lost his wife and son, and more recently he lost an entire division of cadets, save for two, along with his arm, all to pirates,"_ T-Bone wheezed.

"Withdrawn!" Vivi squeaked.

I sighed, shaking my head. "Alright… well, if there's one silver lining here, it's that someone of admiral-level strength sympathizes with our cause, even if he doesn't support us. That's more than I can say for any other Admiral… for now, anyway."

I looked up seriously. "But still, that was too close of a call; if he wasn't sympathetic, we'd all be gargling magma about now. As such, I think we need to come up with a contingency plan for later recruitment attempts; after all, if we let even a single thread get pulled, then everything could potentially come apart at the seams."

"What exactly are you suggesting, Cross?" Vivi asked in a steely tone.

"Oi, watch it!" I snapped indignantly. "I'm not Crocodile and I'm not suggesting we become Baroque Works here. There are more ways to keep people quiet than death; just ask Capricorn and Rooster, seeing as they each have some of the best practitioners of one-such method on their respective crews."

There was a confused pause as everyone wondered what I was referring to, until Hina perked up thoughtfully. "… _Hina has Jango, and Goldenweek escaped onto the Cannibal with her cohorts,"_ the infamous Black Cage mused. " _You're suggesting that we hypnotize them?"_

"Tell me it's not a good idea," I challenged. "It's non-lethal, I've never heard of there being any long-lasting damage, and if it works properly, there's no chance of them ratting us out. Plus, if all goes well, we'll soon have another person capable of brainwashing in our ranks." I blinked. "Actually, what about you, Vice Admiral Tsuru? I don't know much about the Wash-Wash Fruit, but do you think—?"

" _Possibly…"_ the Vice Admiral muttered ponderously. " _I've never tried it before… but then again, it's never too late to teach an old ability-user new tricks. I'll see about going out on a few patrols to experiment; Sengoku shouldn't bat an eyelash at my request to be away from Marineford—or more precisely,_ him— _for a while."_

I grimaced uncomfortably. "For what it's worth, I still believe he's a good man. I just…"

" _Aired his moral failings and dirty laundry to the entire world,"_ Tsuru responded. " _I'm aware of that. My issue isn't so much the laundry itself as the fact that he ever accumulated it in the first place. He…"_ She heaved a weary sigh. " _He_ was _my friend, and I thought I knew him… and instead he hid so much from me? I understand that there's pressure at the top, but there's only so much that I can forgive. And I realize now that he passed that point long ago. And for that revelation… I both condemn and thank you."_

I grimaced at the weary resignation in her voice, but nonetheless nodded in acceptance. "Alright, so we've got four capable of it, that should be enough for now. Does anyone else have suggestions for additions to the Cleaners?"

A pause fell, and Tsuru broke it with a scoff that sounded more like a chuckle. " _Simple, but it will do. Now—!"_

" _Ah, wait, hold on a sec!"_ Tashigi spoke up hastily. " _I_ know _that I'm going to regret this, but… Goldenweek, Jango and Vice Admiral Tsuru are only three. Who's number four?"_

"The _other_ sheep sailing about on the high seas," Merry whistled innocently.

" _Uhh… someone else explain, please?"_ Foxy requested uneasily. " _Preferably in a way that makes sense?"_

"Oh, she's talking about Kalifa," I blandly replied. "She should be contacting you soon, and I imagine that with enough practice and training from Tsuru, she should be capable of wiping memories too. After all, she was partially successful on Nami on her first try. Isn't that right, Nami?"

Nami responded by rolling her eyes.

"… _Kalifa,"_ Tashigi finally bit out. " _As in_ CP9's _Kalifa? The exact same Kalifa who tried to_ kill you all?"

"You mean sort of like how most everyone on this call has tried to kill us in the past, and still fantasize about killing me today?" I responded dryly.

" _ **Seriously,**_ **HOW CAN YOU** _BE EVEN REMOTELY surprised by this?"_

" _Moving on, right now,"_ the Lieutenant snarled, soliciting chuckles from most of the listeners.

"Mwahahahaha! Seriously, Tashigi, I thought you were past the 'ditz' stage by now," Merry snickered.

"… _Cottonmouth? You are as annoying as_ Cross," Tashigi spat acridly.

I snorted in laughter, but looked curiously at Merry; she was laughing too, but it was clear that it wasn't out of amusement. It seemed more _joyful_.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it, do you, Tashigi?" Merry said with a smile. "I'm definitely going to have to get on the SBS next time to start telling the world more about their ships. Like I told Iceburg and Franky, the ship's heart is their crew. His or her likes and dislikes, his or her behavior, his or her knowledge, all comes from the ones who he or she carries."

She sat back with a wide, peaceful smile on her face. "I've soaked up a little of everyone on the crew; they've made me who I am, and I couldn't be happier or prouder. Though, heh, I'm not planning on joining Zoro or Leo for a sword fight anytime soon."

"Wait, wha—?" Zoro asked, sitting up. Then he blinked in realization. "…You're saying that you're capable of mimicking _all_ of our fighting styles, Merry?"

The ship-girl shrugged. "Well, _obviously,_ I can't duplicate Luffy or Robin or anyone else who relies on their Devil Fruit. But, for hand-to-hand combat or weaponry? It's… more like muscle memory than actual training, but… yeah, I think I can fake it all well enough."

All present stared at Merry. Then, suddenly, the sound of mass scratching filled the air, drawing our attention back to Soundbite, who was himself glancing down at his grinding teeth in confusion.

"UH, _what are_ _ **you all**_ **doing?"**

" _We're taking notes, of course,"_ Foxy scoffed. " _Do you have_ any idea _how much of a riot went on when her wanted poster was published, confirming beyond any doubt that an_ autonomous ship _was responsible for rescuing the Straw Hats from Enies Lobby?"_

" _Congratulations, you've managed to start a global trend that's going to last for_ years _,"_ Hina huffed.

" _You complete. Raging._ Bastards," Tashigi ground out in a long-suffering tone.

There was a tense silence as we considered that before Vivi coughed. "Aaanyways, that's everything on your end, Vice Admiral Jonathan?"

" _As of now, yes."_

"Perfect," I nodded in satisfaction. "So, anyone else have news before I drop another bombshell?"

" _Someone please say yes,"_ Smoker groaned.

" _Well, I do have one more bit of news,"_ Tsuru stated, a vindictive grin sliding onto her face. " _All of you pirates can breathe a little easier for the immediate future. You see, on account of the sudden surge in public unrest and the bad publicity following Enies Lobby, there's been a bout of, shall we say,_ reassigning _going on."_

"Oh?" I let a smirk spread across my face. "Please, do tell."

**-Four Days Earlier-**

Admiral 'Akainu' Sakazuki was glowering worse than usual as he entered his superior's office. He had an operation to plan, dammit, and losing that brat Bartolomeo was _infuriating_.

"Report," Sengoku ordered tersely, the IV drip hanging at his side serving to emphasize just how drained the Admiral of the Fleets was.

"'Black Bart' Bartolomeo successfully escaped into the Calm Belt," Akainu immediately and tersely summarized. "Boa Hancock reported failure in tracking him down, and there has been no news of him since his escape. All Marine bases in Paradise have been notified to send word if they see him, and in the meantime, his bounty will be tripled."

Sengoku huffed out an angry sigh, idly shuffling through the papers on his desk as he listened. "How can one crew have provoked this much trouble?" He glanced up irritably. "One that _doesn't_ have a D. on it, I mean."

"I assure you, Sengoku, that this will be the last time they do," Akainu stated. "The Straw Hat Pirates should have been exterminated upon their first broadcast, and that's a mistake that I fully intend to rectify."

The Buddha-Human didn't even spare the admiral a glance as he snorted dismissively. "Whatever the hell you're thinking about, forget it. For now," He waved his hand at the chair in front of his desk. "Why don't you just take a seat, make yourself comfortable? We're going to be here awhile."

"With all due respect, sir," Akainu responded as he shook his head and started to turn towards the door. "My men are already preparing my battleship to sail for Water 7, and we're leaving within the hour. By this time tomorrow—"

_CRASH!_

Akainu flinched as a massive golden fist shot by his head and smashed the office's doors.

" _ **SIT YOUR FUCKING ASS DOWN NOW!"**_

The admiral shot a glare at his superior, flaring the temperature in the room to the same levels as a raging volcano as he prepared to protest—

" _ **Akainu."**_

—before clicking his mouth shut and killing the heat dead when he briefly found himself confronted with the sight of a horizon-swallowing, eye-searingly divine figure.

The next instant, he was back in Sengoku's office, the human Admiral of the Fleets still engrossed in his paperwork.

Sengoku glanced up at Akainu. "Sit down."

Akainu _tried_ to muster some form of resistance—

Sengoku's eyes glinted gold. " _ **Before I stop being**_ **polite."**

And then promptly planted his ass in what he suspected was a deliberately two-sizes-too-small seat.

The Fleet Admiral leveled a stare at him, looking for all the world like the displeased boss that he was. "Just so we're clear, the only reason I am keeping myself calm in this situation is that my age has been showing lately, and I can't maintain my rage for more than a few seconds without my heart giving out on me. Make no mistake, however. We've had more resignations in the last twenty-four hours than the last two years, at least fifteen percent of the World Government's nations have attempted or succeeded in revolution, and above all else, worldwide opinion of the Marines is at an all-time low. I. Am. _Furious."_

He leaned forward, his eyes narrowing more. "And the two major catalysts for this are the publicizing of CP9's blackbook—which Spandam is being punished for—and the destruction of Ohara. As it stands, we will be lucky if the deployment of the Buster Call isn't deemed a _war crime_ worthy of Impel Down come the next Reverie."

" _What!?"_ Akainu jerked forward in shock. "Sir, I realize that that Call didn't exactly go according to protocol—!"

" _ **PROTO—!?"**_ Sengoku started to roar before wincing and ramming his fist into his chest. "You want to speak to _me_ about protocol?! While I acknowledge that all Buster Calls have high casualty rates, _none before have resulted in genocide!"_

"I had to be certain that—!"

_SMASH!_

Akainu promptly shut up when Sengoku's fist split his desk.

"To reiterate," Sengoku hissed. "Do not let my calm demeanor fool you, _mutt_. I am _begging you_ for any excuse you can give me so that I can lock you away like you _deserve_. Will you be kind enough to give me that excuse?"

The admiral wisely kept his trap shut.

Sengoku snorted dismissively as he returned his attention to his paperwork. "Of course, _now_ is when you decide to wise up… as I was saying, the main cause of the outcry is the fact that _you,_ an _Admiral,_ sacrificed a shipload of Marines and civilians for no other reason than your own 'Thorough Justice'."

"And what's wrong with—!?"

Sengoku whipped a form out of a drawer and slapped it on the desk. Akainu took one look at the paper, registered the words 'dishonorable discharge' and decided to _immediately_ re-think his priorities.

"As it stands," Sengoku continued. "I'd like nothing more than to throw the book at you just as I did to Spandam, as that would be the easiest and best way to diminish all of the negative publicity we're getting. But as it stands, your abilities remain too much of an asset for the Navy for me to do that. So, what I'm going to do instead is to make sure you don't end up anywhere in the public eye for the foreseeable future."

He pushed his paperwork forward for Akainu to see. "Your new marching orders are as follows: you and Vice Admiral Onigumo—who I am _equally_ infuriated with—will be working together from now on. You will not be assigned to Marineford, you will not be assigned to anywhere in Paradise." He leaned forward, positioning himself so that he was looming over the suddenly, though quietly, terrified admiral. "Your assignment is to bury yourself in the New World like the tick that we both know you are, and wage _war_ against the Four Emperors. You are going to do your level best to remind me, remind Kong, and remind everyone else who outranks you as to _why_ we consider you so much of an asset, and why we _cannot_ simply condemn your overkill-happy ass to Level _Six_ of Impel Down. And if you don't?"

Sengoku pushed himself up from his desk, the light falling _just_ right so that his face was hidden in shadows, two golden orbs where his eyes were.

" **There is a** _ **very**_ **real possibility that we will** _ **forget.**_ "

He leaned forward and glared in the admiral's face. "Do I make myself clear, _soldier?"_

"…crystal, sir," the admiral ground out.

"Perfect," Sengoku nodded in satisfaction, ignoring Akainu's tone as he returned to his paperwork. "Just so you know, I fully expected that you would be difficult up to this point, so I decided to get some… assistance in this endeavor."

That prompted Akainu to blink in confusion. "Wait… what do you mean by—?"

_SMASH!_

Akainu spun around as the entire _wall_ of the office smashed inwards, fully prepared to end whoever the intruder was, and promptly paled in horror when he realized _who_ the intruder was.

"Hello, _Mutt_ ," a grinning Monkey D. Garp chuckled grimly as he strode up to his technical superior, slowly cracking his knuckles one by one. "Been awhile. Don't worry, this won't be long, I'm just going to explain to you why you're going to _stay the hell away from my grandson."_

For the first time in over a decade, Admiral 'Akainu' Sakazuki swallowed fearfully.

**-o-**

"… _After that, well… suffice to say that we probably won't be dealing with that particular walking menace anytime in the near future. He just arrived in the New World today, along with a large selection of Marines with, shall we say,_ similar views _concerning Justice. Odds are quite high that it will be much easier to weed out potential supporters now that Akainu is on the other side of the Red Line, both in Marineford and on the high seas."_

I wasn't _quite_ capable of responding to Tsuru on account of how I was only half-listening. The reason for this lack of attentiveness was that halfway through her explanation, all of the pirates present—my friends and I included—and a few of the Marines started straight-up _dying_ with laughter.

" _HEHAHAHA! HEHAHAHA_ HAAAAAA! _MY SIDES!_ MY SIIIIDES!" Bartolomeo howled, tears gushing from his eyes.

"It c-couldn't have happened—PFHAHAHAHA!—to a worse asshole, PFFHAHAHAHAHAAA!" I cackled.

" _I m-must agree here,"_ T-Bone gasped, obviously wheezing in an effort to get enough air in his lungs. " _I have been w-w-waiting for that_ literal _son of a bitch—_ FAHAHAHA!— _to get comeuppance for the last twelve years!"_

It took a good three minutes for us to get ourselves under control enough for Tsuru to speak again.

" _Alright, that's all the news I have from the top presently. Is there anything more to discuss this evening?"_

A few seconds of silence.

" _Eh, I may as well say that I've collected a few more crews for our cause,"_ Foxy said with a shrug. " _Also, there seems to be some suspicious activity going around the base of one Captain Moore. Isolated away from any civilian dwellings, ideal for corruption to fester."_

" _Suggestion noted,"_ Tsuru said, and a slight sound of scratching came across the connection.

" _I can assure you that I will be bringing a high recommendation of the New World Masons to my superior,"_ Marigold added. " _I cannot promise yet that they will join due to our… circumstances, but I believe that whatever resources we can safely offer are at your disposal."_

"Which _is_ a big deal," I confirmed with a sage nod. I then snapped my head up as a thought struck me. "Oh, and speaking of extra resources, good news: I met Dragon, and we're officially allies of the Revolutionary Army now."

The silence was deafening.

"… _all in favor of not questioning this turn of events and merely rolling with it?"_ Jonathan suggested.

" _AYE,"_ was the unanimous chorus.

"Heh. Honestly, _I_ don't feel comfortable thinking about it too hard, so I'll agree there too," I snickered before clapping my hands together. "Alright, if there's no further business, I move that we bring this meeting of the New World Masons to a close."

" _Seconded,"_ Smoker agreed.

A few seconds in silence passed.

" _Motion carried,"_ Apoo stated. " _I'm looking forward to the next time I can hijack the SBS, Cross! KA-LICK!"_

" _Cheers to a new world, Cross. KA-LICK!"_ Marigold and Bartolomeo departed. And one by one the connections dropped, until the only one speaking through Soundbite was the snail himself.

"So, who exactly is Cobra?" Vivi asked as she confirmed that the connections were gone.

"Boa Marigold, the youngest of Boa Hancock's two sisters," I replied, to much widening of eyes. "And yes, I mean Boa 'the only female Warlord and the most beautiful woman on the six seas' Hancock. Suffice to say that the only reason she's a Warlord is that her contract with the Government is the only thing keeping them from raiding her island; the Boa sisters have more justifiable hatred against them and the male gender than even you can imagine."

Nami raised her finger and started to speak, but promptly lowered said finger and snapped her mouth shut. "I'd ask, but then I remembered what was lying behind the _last_ time I asked, and I'd rather _not_ have nightmares, thank you very much."

My other confidants nodded in agreement with varying amounts of desperation.

I shook my head free of those thoughts as I looked back at the sun, nearly setting, and I felt a smile grow on my face. "…hell of a view…"

I was shaken out of the wonder by a small tug on my pant leg, prompting me to look down at Merry's smiling face. "And I wouldn't be here seeing it without you," she whispered happily.

"Or _me,"_ Vivi sniffed haughtily, as she stepped up to me, before looking to the side with a blush and a grin as she rubbed her finger under her nose. "Though… honestly, I think that the positives are outweighing the negatives at this point."

"What they're saying is that you've been making a difference, Cross," Zoro explained with a roll of his eyes. He then donned a glare when Nami thwapped him upside the head, wearing a cheeky grin of her own.

"And what _this_ lug is saying," she chuckled. "Is that we're all happy you're here, Cross."

"NOT ME!" Soundbite denied, not very convincingly. " _If it weren't for you, I'D HAVE HIT IT BIG_ **in showbiz!"**

"But instead, here you are slumming it with us, huh?" I needled with a smirk of my own.

"… _ **bah. When you put it like that,**_ **I suppose it COULD BE WORSE,"** Soundbite whistled to the side in an oh-so-innocent manner.

I chuckled as I patted his shell, watching the sun sink all the while. "Don't ever change, Soundbite."

" _Not even if they paid me, Cross._ _ **Not even then."**_

**-o-**

The six of us watched the sunset from the lip of the fountain until it vanished over the horizon, then headed back to the base for a casual night, followed by a casual day, and another casual night; the only occurrences of any noteworthiness during that time were Zoro picking out a new sheath for Funkfreed and Merry finally growing strong and stable enough to move without her crutches, though it'd be a while longer before she was capable of full-on running.

Then, on the morning of our seventh day since escaping Enies Lobby, Zambai and a visibly exhausted Paulie woke us up early to inform us that the new ship was finished. Needless to say, within the hour all twenty-one of us were assembled on Scrap Island, facing a massive structure covered with a massive tarp, held by two-thirds of the remnants of Tom's Workers…

**-o-**

"Nagagaga! I wasn't about to miss the chance to do this!" Kokoro chuckled, standing alongside Iceburg and ready to tear off the tarp at a moment's notice. "After all, the last time I was a part of an unveiling like this, it was for old Jacky himself!"

"Woohoo!" Luffy whooped eagerly, all of the implications of the moment lost as he jumped from foot to foot with ill-suppressed eagerness. "New ship, new shiiiiiip!"

Luffy wasn't alone in his eagerness, either (big surprise). Everyone else on the crew was just as eager as him, though the degrees to which they were showing it varied, from Chopper's equally starry-eyed squealing to Zoro's stoic smile.

Still, even in the midst of all the anxiety and fervor, Conis still had enough wits about herself to glance around with a thoughtful look. "I'm sorry, but shouldn't we wait for Franky? I mean, he did build this new ship, right?"

"No way! If he's not here, that's his problem! I'm too eager for you all to see big bro large and in charge to wait!" Merry squealed, bouncing for joy on Funkfreed's newly-plate-mail-armored head, said armor having been acquired courtesy of his brand-spanking new sheath.

"Eeeasy there," the elephant-sword chuckled, centering Merry on his head with a poke of his trunk.

"I'll admit, I'm pretty eager myself," I breathed, already soaking in the covered form before me with awe. "My memory's a little bit fuzzy, six months of wear and tear and all, but one thing I'm _positive_ of?" I shook my head slowly. "The ship that _I_ remember was _not_ that big."

"Heheh, yeah," Merry laughed into her hand. "Franky _was_ gonna make him smaller, but once he heard how many of us there are and once _he_ got some say-so in matters, he told Franky one thing and one thing only!" Her grin widened to the point that it was visible even with her hand in place. " _Big."_

I nodded numbly as I took it all in. "Yeah… he hit that mark…"

"This is gonna be _eeeepiiiiic,"_ Mikey whispered softly as he eagerly rubbed his hands together, his reaction mirrored between the rest of the crew's Dugongs.

"Enough waiting, show us our ship already!" Luffy roared, throwing up his fists in impatience.

"Heh, well, if that's how you feel…" Iceburg nodded in knowing agreement. "With Franky gone, I'll just have to unveil this ship to you in his place. And I have to say, it is _quite_ a ship. My eyes lit up when I beheld the blueprints for this ship, and for good reason. This ship is truly incredible, capable of—!"

"Oh, will you shut your trap already!?"

"Wha—?"

_THWACK!_

"GAH!" Iceburg yelped when a pair of small feet slammed into his face and knocked him aside.

"Dynamic Entry!" Merry proclaimed as she stuck her landing, none the worse for wear after Funkfreed had flung her at the foreman, apparently at her prompting. She then flashed a pair of victory signs with a large grin. "Merry Edition!"

Nami promptly levelled a flat glare at me. "I blame you."

I donned a massive grin of my own as I flashed my own victory sign. "I accept that blame with _pride!"_

"What the hell was that for, you brat!?" Iceburg demanded as he shot up into a sitting position, pinching his bleeding nose shut.

"You were taking too long!" Merry stuck her tongue out at the man before grinning at us. "And Big Bro's getting impatient, so without further ado?" She grabbed the hem of our new ship's cover. "I give you none other than my brand-spanking-new Big Bro!"

And the amusement and bemusement amidst the crew faded into nonexistence as we beheld the spectacle that Merry unveiled.

" _AWESOME!"_ the Kiddy Trio and TDWS exclaimed.

Boss bowed and shook his head with a chuckle. "Truly," he breathed out a proud cloud of smoke. "A ship capable of fulfilling all manner of Man's Romances."

"Hmph," Zoro smiled honestly. "Now that's a _big_ ship."

"Incredible…" Robin breathed, lightly thumbing her stetson's brim up.

"THE KITCHEN! I NEED TO SEE THE KITCHEN RIGHT AWAY!" Sanji declared.

"It's magnificent!" Conis gasped, clasping her hands before her chest.

"I'll second _that!"_ Su nodded her head emphatically in agreement.

"Even I'm impressed, this is amazing!" Lassoo panted eagerly.

"I've seen the battleships of Marineford, and this blows them clean out of the water!" Funkfreed trumpeted.

"Forget Marineford!" Vivi squealed, stars shining in her eyes. "Over half the ships that show up to the Reverie pale in comparison, and those carry _kings!"_

"Ah'll second _that!"_ Carue squawked as he snapped his wing up in salute.

"… **the** _ **GOD OF NOISE…**_ _has been left_ SPEECHLESS," Soundbite gaped in awe.

And in all honesty, I couldn't blame my partner, seeing as I was right there with him; double the budget and add a ship-whisperer into the development, and the result was… well. It was definitely the Straw Hat Pirates' second ship, the design was unmistakable, but in form? It was an entirely new beast that stood before me.

The first and most obvious distinction was the third mast sitting in the middle section of the ship sporting furled square sails, part of a _distinctly_ longer middle deck that gave the ship a leaner, sleeker look than the canon vessel. The mizzenmast on the rear deck had been adjusted, too. The arms of the mast were now parallel with the length of the ship instead of perpendicular, and I think the sails were different too? Sue me, I'm not a maritime expert. They'd adjusted the bow, too; the lion figurehead was now on the end of a longer extension sporting additional sail lines, and the entire bow was more sharply curved forward. And… I squinted at the form of Iceburg standing next to the ship. I think it might have been a bit higher above the water, too.

The overall effect was a ship that wasn't just fifty percent heavier, or so Iceburg informed us, but that also just plain _looked_ faster than the admittedly kind of squat and tubby canon ship. It wasn't as inviting, but it made it look a bit meaner, so overall I think it was a bit of a wash in that department.

My inspection done, I leaned over to Nami, who was still doing her own examination. "So, what kind of ship is this, exactly?"

"I'm pretty sure it's a three-masted barque," she absently replied. There was a momentary pause, and then she grinned the sunniest grin I'd seen on her face in a long while. "It is! Oh, this is perfect! I was a bit worried they'd give us a ship-rigged tub, but this'll turn circles around most Marine ships! And we'll definitely have enough people to man the rigging, I was worried about that, too! Ohhh, I can't _wait_ to get at the helm and take her for a cruise!"

"IIII'll take your word for it," I chuckled, feeling a drop of sweat run down the back of my head. "Anyway, though, before we go onboard, I think we should give our newest crewmate his name."

"WHAT?" Merry's attitude spun around immediately as she shot a stern glare at me. "Cross, unveiling him without Franky being here is one thing, but to not let the one who conceived him have any part—!"

"If my memory is accurate, the name he set his heart on is 'New Battle Franky, Lion Gang Champion'," I said, most certainly _not_ with a smirk.

"…Right, then! Let's give big bro his name before we go onboard!" Merry cheered, her attitude completing its revolution, albeit with a _way_ more rigid smile.

"That should be easy!" Usopp smiled eagerly as he turned towards me. "Cross, in the story, what—?"

"USOPP!"

"Gah!" our sniper yelped when Luffy suddenly shouted.

"We can't just ask Cross for the ship's name," our captain informed him. "He only knows the name that a crew just like ours asked. If we choose the same name, fine, but _we_ have to choose it _ourselves!_ We're not just gonna steal it from them!"

"Well…" Usopp bowed his head in admonishment before smiling confidently at Luffy. "Well in that case, what names do you have?"

Luffy crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side, smoke all but visibly wafting up from his head as his mental gears ground against each other. And then his head popped up with a grin, a lightbulb practically shining over his head.

"Black Bear Polar Bear Lion Tiger!"

There was a heavy silence as everyone stared at him before Usopp clapped his hands. "Right, anyone else?"

"Oh, oh!" Vivi waved her hand eagerly. "How about… the 'Grace of Sekhmet'?"

"Denied!" Merry sang, popping her hand up. "Big bro's a _boy!"_

Vivi's face flushed as she slowly lowered her head. "Oh… yeah… _right…"_

"Still way better than Luffy's suggestion…" I muttered.

"Like _that's_ hard…" Carue muttered under his breath.

"Super Wolf Gorilla Bear!"

We all ignored the rubber-man in favor of waiting for someone else to speak up.

"How about…" Conis tapped her chin thoughtfully before pounding her fist in her palm with a satisfied smile. "Fluffy McFluffmeister? That sounds fierce, right?" She waited for a moment before glancing around in confusion when nobody said anything. "What? What's wrong?"

Su slapped a paw to her face with a moan. "Ohhh _honey…"_

"Next!"

"How about 'Big Boss Lionel'?" Zoro volunteered.

"I suggest Monsieur Sunflower," Sanji contributed.

"Dandelion Lion Dandy Unbearable Bear!" was Luffy's contribution.

" _WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THREE!?"_ Usopp roared incredulously.

"Better question: what isn't?" Lassoo snorted.

"Alright, that's it, silence from the Monster Trio!" Merry barked, exasperation battling with how she looked to be three seconds from busting a stitch.

Honestly, I had to agree with Merry on this one. Those names were so bad that even our _ship_ was sporting a sweatdrop of its own. Or maybe that was just ocean spray, hard to tell. Then Robin opened her mouth.

"Do _not_ say 'Being of Darkness'," I warned her. She promptly tilted her hat down and glanced to the side with a whistle as many of the crew turned to stare at her.

"… 'Nostromo', then?" she suggested.

My head bounced as the sheer _weight_ of that name struck me.

"I'd go for 'Ishimura' myself!" Boss proclaimed with a stab of his cigar.

"Agreed!" his students barked eagerly.

My head bounced even _harder_ from that one.

" **Tsk! Amateurs, THE LOT OF YOU!"** Soundbite sniffed imperiously. " _ **Clearly**_ _**our beloved vessel deserves**_ _one name and ONE NAME ONLY!"_

I shot a glare at Soundbite out of the corner of my eye. "Don't you dare. Don't you _fucking—!"_

" _ **ALL HAIL THE ENTERPRISE!"**_

_WHAM!_

Aaand _that one_ was heavy enough that I outright face-faulted.

"Captain?" I growled into the dirt. "My patience is rapidly wearing thin… as is the integrity of my skull."

"Okay," Luffy nodded. "Merry? What does our ship want to be named?"

"Doesn't work that way," Merry deadpanned as she waved her hand before her face. "We name him, he doesn't have any opinion either way except that it not be terrible."

"Oh…" Luffy slowly nodded his head in understanding.

"Hmm… oh!" Chopper snapped his head up as an idea came to him, eagerly grinning at me. "Cross, you can't tell us what the other crew named their ship, but it's alright if we come to the same name on our own, so… can you tell me what _led_ them to choose that name?"

Luffy perked up with a grin at that. "Hey, that works! I'm with Chopper! Come on, Cross, what was it?"

"Ah…" I hesitated for a moment, glancing around at the crew and confirming that everyone was giving me their consent before looking at the ship before us and searching my thoughts for a good way to word this. And then… and then I had it.

I grinned as I jerked my chin dead ahead. "If you want an answer," I drawled. "Then just look to his mane."

All eyes turned toward the figurehead, staring at the orange spikes that composed its mane. For a few seconds, they just stared. Then I smiled as I saw understanding come into their eyes, lighting them all up one by one.

The second everyone got it, I spread my arms wide. "Ladies and gentlemen," I proclaimed proudly. "Allow me to introduce you all to the second and hopefully _final_ ship of the Straw Hat Pirates! The ship that will carry us all to the shores of the isle of Raftel! The ship that is destined to carry us across the sunny waters of a thousand seas. Please welcome…" I swung my arm at the ship's figurehead. "The Thousand Sunny."

The _instant_ the words left my lips, a wave struck the ship and caused it to rear up in the water, a groan, no, a _roar_ echoing out from every plank of wood that composed him.

"…I am _so_ in love with this crew," I breathed.

"And he _really_ loves that name!" Merry cried as she literally jumped for joy.

"Shishishishi!" Luffy laughed happily. "Then the Thousand Sunny it is!"

"Tch," Zoro grumbled. "I still say that Big Boss Lionel would be better…"

"Denied!" Boss immediately interjected. "There's only one Boss on this crew and he likes his cigars thick and his enemies _powerful!"_

"Well, _I_ certainly like it…" Nami said with a smile. "Sunny…"

"Full approval here!" Usopp and Chopper cheered as they shot their hands up.

"AGREED!" the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad leapt and shouted as one.

Conis nodded her head politely. "Pleased to meet you, Sunny."

"Ditto!" Su cheered in agreement.

"Looks to me like everyone's as happy with the name as he is!" Funkfreed remarked.

"Well, if that's the case, then there's only one thing left to do!" Merry proclaimed.

The ship-girl rapped her fist on the nearest part of Sunny's hull she could reach, and a rope dropped down from the rigging in response. She then wrapped the rope around her arm and gave it a firm tug. Now, the rope dropping could have been a coincidence, but the rope yanking Merry up and onto the deck's railing? _Not_ a coincidence.

"Come on!" Merry cried, waving her arms eagerly. "I'll give you all the grand tour!"

I blinked stupidly as I tried to figure out what the hell I'd just seen. "…well, shit."

"Nagagaga! Well, _that's_ certainly not something you see every day!" Kokoro laughed uproariously.

"What the—?! How!?" Iceburg demanded. "I never saw anything like that in… the…" Iceburg's eyes then widened in realization, his jaw dropping like a stone. "…all those times you snuck off during construction…"

"That's ri~ght!" Merry sang, swaying side-to-side as she stuck her tongue out. "Big Bro Franky was technically a part of the crew by the time everyone hit Enies, so I picked up some shipwrighting from him, and while we were building Big Bro I hid tons and tons of tricks and gimmicks all around his body, and only _I_ know how to work them! Cool, huh?"

"Considering how I actually got to know you while we were building Thousand Sunny?" Iceburg swallowed heavily as he eyed the ship-girl. "'Terrifying' might be the more appropriate term."

"Just be glad she's on our side!" Kokoro chuckled, knocking back her bottle.

I took that as my cue to not pursue the subject. "Right, then!" I said eagerly. "Given most of my knowledge is now completely null and void, what say we go ahead and look at our new home?"

Luffy had rocketed himself to the deck long before I finished speaking, and the rest of the crew barely waited before we were all running towards the beautiful barque. A few ropes and rubber lines later, and we were standing on one of the Thousand Sunny's key features, canon and now.

"THERE'S A LAWN!" Luffy laughed eagerly, he and the rest of the Kiddy Trio plus Lassoo throwing themselves onto the grass and rolling around in bliss.

"You've just made yourself a friend of sea-faring dogs the world over!" the mutt-cannon panted ecstatically.

"Forget the dogs, I'm in _heaven!"_ Su cheered as she shot to and fro about the lawn. "So much vearth, so much green, and I'm going to be _living_ on it!? Woohoo!"

"And trees, too?" Funkfreed breathed in awe as he chowed down on a few leaves from one of said trees. "This is… wow."

"You can _definitely_ say that again…" I replied. And I meant it too, because 'wow' was the only conceivable word for the Sunny's mid-deck. The canon version had been impressive enough, but _this?_ A field of greenery that was _twice_ as long and half again the width, and this was all on a _ship._

And the size wasn't the only obvious difference in the deck, either.

"Oh, what's this?" Sanji whistled appreciatively as he looked around the structure he'd entered. It was a pavilion, erected in the center of the deck between the main masts, though closer to the second. It was a simple thing, really: ten feet tall, eight wide and about sixteen long, and raised on a deck of wood. Overall, it looked like a wall-less—if well-maintained—shack.

Currently, Sanji was occupied with the central feature of the pavilion: an empty rectangular bar, erected in the center of the building. "So…" he mused as he ran his hand over the bar's countertop. "I take it that this place is meant to be a picnic area or something like that?"

"Even better!" Merry proclaimed, stomping her foot in the grass. Said stomp caused a section of the floorboards in the center of the bar to part open, and allowed a table of metal to rise into sight. Its purpose was unclear only until the air above the metal started to shimmer, joined by a few trails of smoke.

Sanji was practically _drooling_ as he took it in. "An outdoor _hibachi grill…"_

"More than just that!" Merry sang. "Hey, Conis!"

"Hm?" the Skypiean said, looking over from where she'd been watching Su clamber about one of the trees. "What is it?"

"Oooh, nothing much," Merry giggled. "I just wanted to show you…" She stomped the grass again, causing the grill to retract and a number of metal walls with metal sheets over them to rise and fill the whole bar area. Yet another stomp and the sheets sank… to reveal all of the weapons she had brought with her hung up and arrayed in style. "Your own personal _armory!"_ Merry proclaimed as she swung her arms out.

"Oh, wow!" Conis breathed in awe, before hesitating slightly. "Ah… but Merry, even if those weapons are hidden below the deck… is it really such a good idea to have them all out in the open like this?"

"Already thought of that~!" Merry sang, and with yet _another_ stomp, a quartet of walls shot up and properly sealed the armory, with a plain old hinged-door in the side allowing for easy entrance and exit. "Voila! Ready to weather the worst that the elements can throw at us!"

Sanji pushed the door open and poked his head out with an impressed whistle. "This'll _definitely_ be handy. For _many_ reasons."

"Glad to hear it!" Merry nodded before turning to at Lassoo and Funkfreed. "This place'll also be you guys' sleeping quarters, special cases for the both of you to snooze in. Sound good?"

The Zoan-weapons exchanged glances before nodding contentedly.

"Does to me!" Funkfreed replied.

"Sure as heck beats sleeping on my stomach!" Lassoo chuffed.

"Great!" Merry said, beaming. "And don't worry, I'll teach you guys how to work the pavilion's controls, so that you can operate it yourselves. Oh, and Conis!" She jabbed her finger at the gunner. "There are also a ton of controls all throughout Sunny that work the cannons, aiming them and firing them and all that, so I'll teach you how to work _those,_ too. Fair warning, it'll be a _lot_ of work. You think you're up for it?"

Conis didn't even _hesitate_ to pump both her fists in a clear show of readiness, steam all but shooting from her nostrils and her eyes shining. "Of course!"

"And don't worry, she won't be alone either!" Su cried, leaping onto her owner's shoulder. "One is good, two is better!"

Merry grinned. "Alright, I'll start showing you the ropes once we're on our way! Oh, and speaking of which…" She rapped her fist against the primary main mast (the one with the weight-room/crow's nest), and another rope with a handle at the end dropped down. She looked at me and pointed to the rope, grinning. "Just give that a yank and it'll take you straight to the radio room! Fair warning, you're gonna wanna hang on _tight!_ "

I exchanged eager grins with Soundbite before jogging over to the line, grabbing it firmly and giving it a hard yank.

One arm-straining and utterly _exhilarating_ ride later, I was perched on the roof of the crow's nest. I was a bit confused at first, but then Soundbite indicated a trapdoor in the roof that I was… _pretty_ damn certain hadn't been there in canon. So, I popped it open, dropped through, and entered my personal radio room.

Apparently, Franky and Merry had installed a makeshift attic in the weight room, which they'd converted into where I was now. Admittedly, the room was kind of plain at first glance: a slot on the wall designed for my transceiver, a large swivelling chair beside a desk, a perch with a bowl nearby where Soundbite could sit and nom on whatever the heck he wanted, and a bed (Franky's definition of a cot, I'm sure) at the other end of the room. That was about it, though. Eh, it made sense, I suppose, I'd have to decorate on my own time.

" _Kind of a—_ WHOA, _**what the—?"**_ Soundbite cut himself off as he noticed his voice echoing. I looked more closely at the walls, and then I recognized that thanks to the angle and design, they'd bounce any sound that came from near the chair. I grinned; with Soundbite's powers, that had serious potential.

"This is _sooo_ cool…" I breathed.

" _I know, right!?"_ Luffy agreed.

I started in shock as Luffy's voice came from the desk. I approached the desk, slid the top back using a handle I'd located—

" _WHOOOA,"_ Soundbite gaped.

I felt my jaw drop almost to the desk as I took in the large collection of pipe-like tubes arranged like a piano, each one labeled for a different place on the ship. Then, looking up, I saw that I had missed what was _behind_ the desk: a collection of pipes that made the desk look more like a freaking _pipe organ._

Acting on a hunch, I pressed one of the keys for the deck and spoke up. "Hey, can anyone hear me?"

" _Cross?"_ Zoro's voice came out of the corresponding pipe. " _The heck, did you get Soundbite's powers or something?"_

" _Nope!"_ Merry piped up from… another pipe. " _He just found the ship-wide comms system I put in his room! Lets him hear everything across the ship, and spread his voice everywhere, too! Neat, huh?"_

" _But ain't dat wat Soundbite's fowah? Heheheheh—!"_ Carue's snickered through the pipes.

" _Oh, so you mean you_ want _Soundbite to keep his monopoly on all things auditory?"_

" _Heheh—_ squawk!"

" _ **Hmm…"**_ Soundbite hummed thoughtfully before cocking his head to the side. " _ **BAH. I SHALL BE GRACIOUS ENOUGH**_ _TO GRANT YOU ALL_ THIS TRESPASS UNTO MY DOMAIN!"

" _Glad to hear it, my liege! Now, hurry up and zipline down the rope I've got set up over the crow's nest! I wanna show you guys the helm!"_

My partner blinked in confusion. " **Huh? The helm? WHY?** _What could be so special about_ THAT?"

As it turns out, quite a bit.

"Pirates and piratesses, allow me to present to you," Merry proclaimed in a grandiose manner as she swept her arms before her. "The nerve center of Big Bro Sunny!"

And it certainly _looked_ the part, without a doubt. Rather than a pedestrian wheeled helm with a lever next to it, Sunny's helm was affixed to what I can only define as a U-shaped dashboard that, despite the low-tech look of the dizzying array of levers, switches, winches, and buttons, would have been right at home in a Mecha anime. Add in the number of hand-brake style levers lined up next to the wheel-proper and the pedals _below_ the wheel, and it was just…

"Wow," I repeated numbly.

Merry grinned eagerly as a rumbling groan ran through Sunny. "Big Bro _really_ likes how much that's been said about him!"

"Hrm…" Nami hummed as she leaned around the panel and thoroughly examined it, her clouds swaying around it but never actually touching it. "This all _looks_ impressive, sure, but… what exactly does it all _do_?"

"Weeell…" Merry began with a grin.

And what followed was a complex series of gestures and jargon that I will spare you readers the difficulty of muddling through. When she stopped speaking, I looked at my crewmates. Soundbite's eyes were spinning, Robin was frowning in a clear attempt to keep up, and everyone else was either staring blankly or asleep on their feet.

Nami, meanwhile, was practically _vibrating_. " _Really?"_

"Uh-huh!" Merry nodded with just as much eagerness. "Ain't it cool?"

"I think all of us normies agree that it would be cooler in _English,"_ Raphey deadpanned, Mikey's subsequent snore serving to underline her point.

Merry shot a sidelong glare at the dugong before sweeping her arm over the dashboard. "All of these controls here," she drawled. "Are capable of operating every line, every sail, every timber…" She then donned a more bloodthirsty smile as she flipped a toggle.

_TH-THWACK!_

"AGH!" "OUCH, DAMN IT!"

"And every pulley," Merry snickered as she watched the pair of dugongs nurse the brand new lumps they were sporting. "On Big Bro Sunny. Sure, there are odds and ends everywhere in the woodworks, but this here is the master enchilada, _way_ more impressive. You like?"

"Worth every last beri we paid," Nami breathed. Most everyone present developed sweatdrops; the last time she had been this excited was when she saw the pillar back on Upper Yard, and Robin was already surreptitiously preparing a dope-slap. However, the arm on Nami's hand evaporated when she suddenly blinked the beri-signs out her eyes. "Eh? Wait a second… hey, Merry, I just realized: none of these controls are actually _labeled."_

Hearing that, the ship-girl flinched and refused to meet anyone's gazes as she scratched her blushing cheeks. "Eh… r-r-really… i-is that so, huh… w-well then, I suppose that it'd be best if the person operating it were…" She glanced at Luffy sheepishly. "Someone who knew Big Bro Sunny… inside and out?"

Luffy's response, of course, was to smile. Only unlike usual? This was a smile not of amusement, but rather one that was wholly and undoubtedly _kind._ "We wouldn't have anyone else at Sunny's helm, Merry."

Merry instantly snapped out of her funk with a massive grin before snapping her attention upward, her expression changing yet again to show a more solemn smile. "Thanks, Captain. But before that, there's… _one_ thing I need to take care of real quick."

With that, she flicked one of the dashboard's toggles, grabbed the rope that swung into reach and, with a tug, was yanked up onto the top of the crew's nest. A glance at Soundbite was all that was needed for him to amp her.

"We've got one last thing we need to do before Sunny can really be our ship!" she proclaimed, digging her hand through her coat and withdrawing—

"Is that our spare flag?" Usopp asked, drawing down one of his lenses in order to better scrutinize the black cloth that Merry was holding.

"Nope." Merry shook her head with a sad smile, drawing her coat open and indicating the emblem on her chest. " _This_ is our spare flag. What I'm holding…" She held the flag to her chest, tears shimmering in her eyes. "It's the original. I… I can't bear it anymore, not with all my damage, and… and I'm g-gonna miss it…" She was silent for a moment before smiling contentedly. "But… I'm alright with that. I'm alright because I know… I _know_ that the next person to bear it is going to do it and do it _right._ So…"

And so, with almost reverential slowness and care, Merry tied her flag— _our flag—_ to Sunny's flagpole, keeping it bunched up once it was secure. The second the deed was done, however, she re-donned her usual grin and gazed back down at us. "And now…"

She stamped on the crow's nest and let the flag loose at the same time, and both the flag _and_ Sunny's mainsail snapped into full view as one. And with Merry's coat still open, it was a trinity of skulls that smiled down at us.

"I'm proud to announce!" Merry cried, her fists planted on her hips. "That as of this moment, the second ship of the Straw Hat Pirates, the Thousand Sunny, and the helmsgirl, 'White Menace' Going Merry, are _officially_ reporting for duty!"

Luffy grinned, as did the rest of us. And after the moment passed, I spoke up again. "Now we just need to get Franky here so that the Thousand Sunny can have his maiden fli—!"

_CLONK!_

"Ow!" I winced, rubbing the spot Merry had handily landed on before chuckling sheepishly as I realized what she was glaring at us for. "Ah… maiden voyage, I mean."

"Much better!" Merry chuckled before blinking and glancing around in confusion. "But… ah… now that I think about it, Big Bro Franky _is_ pretty late. What the heck is keeping him?"

"Ohh, nothing much," I said with a smirk. "He's just laboring under the delusion that he's not coming."

Merry stared blankly at me before cocking her head to the side. "…I'm guessing you have something in your head to fix that particular bit of stupidity?"

The grin I donned was swiftly mirrored by her, by Luffy, aaaand by pretty much everyone else on the crew.

**-o-**

Nine minutes later, the streets of Water 7 were filled with civilians, their eyes and mouths open wide as they stared at the vulgar display going on. Some were simply averting their eyes. Some were trying and failing to look away. A few were even wiping nosebleeds. One notable old woman was yelling angrily at a small group of children, pointing towards the chase and telling the children not to follow her finger.

Naturally, this led to them disobeying and laying eyes on the Franky Family as they fled, holding a blue speedo like a flag, and their boss, naked from the waist down, charging furiously after them.

"YOU STUPID SONS OF BITCHES!" Franky roared, swinging his fists like pistons as he ran. "GIVE ME BACK MY SPEEDO, _RIGHT NOW!"_

"KEEP RUNNING!" Zambai shouted in contradiction, pushing himself to run as fast and as hard as he could to keep ahead of his big bro. "I KNOW THIS HURTS—!"

"AND _IS_ GONNA HURT IN IN A LOT OF WAYS IF HE CATCHES US!" Kiwi added.

"BUT THIS IS FOR HIS SAKE!" Zambai forged on. "WE GOTTA KEEP RUNNING, EVEN IF HE KILLS US!"

"YOU DAMN—! Wait a second…" Franky screeched to a halt and glanced around at the surrounding neighborhood, causing his family to stop dead as well. "The way we're going… _oh ho hooo…"_ the cyborg shook his head with a chuckle. "Smart. You're all gonna catch _hell_ for this later on, but still, smart. And this whole thing would'a worked, too… if not for one _iiiity_ bitty thing."

The three brains of the Franky Family exchanged wary glances before looking back at their leader. "Oh, yeah?" they asked uneasily. "What's that?"

Franky grinned malevolently as he dug through his vest. "Well, after hanging around with the Straw Hats for a while, I've learned a thing or two about having back-ups in place. As such, while I was out getting the Adam Wood for the Straw Hat's ship, I also got…" He whipped something out and held it proudly in the air. " _This!"_

All the Franky Family could do was gape in horror at what their boss was letting wave out.

"Oh, shit…" Zambai breathed numbly.

"He outsmarted us," Kiwi moaned. "How is that even possible!?"

"How did we not think that he could do this?" Mozu cursed.

"OH, COME OFF IT ALREADY!" Franky bit out indignantly. "IS IT _THAT_ CRAZY TO THINK THAT I COULD BUY A _BACK-UP_ PAIR OF SPEEDOS!?"

"HELL YES!" the Franky Family shouted back.

The rest of the onlooking public, meanwhile, had a slightly… _different_ opinion. Namely?

"JUST PUT THE DAMN THING ON ALREADY!"

Franky winced as a tin can bounced off his temple. "Alright, alright, eesh, keep your shirts on…" And with that, the cyborg lowered the swimwear, prepared to step into it—

"YOINK!"

"GAH!" And was nearly yanked off his feet when a blur shot past him and snatched the speedos out of his hands. "What the— _HELL!?"_ Franky sputtered incredulously as he caught sight of a certain tyke riding a certain reindeer holding his speedos down the street. "REINDEER-BRO? _MERRY!?_ WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"

"TEACHING YOU THAT IT AIN'T SMART TO BE _STUPID!"_ Merry shot back. Her smirk then widened as she held up the speedos next to her mouth. "Still though, good choice. Is this spandex I smell or—?"

" _ **If you eat that, I'm pumping your stomach!"**_ Chopper snapped over his shoulder at her.

Merry pouted as she stuffed the speedos in her jacket. "Spoilsport…"

Chopper shook his head in a long-suffering manner before looking back at Franky. "Anyway, if you want your speedos back, _come and get us!"_

Franky ground his teeth furiously, and seemed about two seconds away from doing just that, up until his family finally got their act together and produced the Fire Anything Cannon, rolling it towards the cyborg. Said cyborg _tried_ to move away from it—

"Eisen Tempo."

" _GAH!"_

Only for a massive fist of clouds to snatch him up and hold him high in the air in spite of his frantic flailing. Franky only had a second to catch sight of the serenely smiling second mate waving at him before the clouds not-so-gently decided to stuff him down the barrel of the cannon head-first.

"I assume you can handle the rest," she asked, dusting her hands off as her clouds jabbed Franky as far down the barrel as they could manage.

"You're damn right we can!" Zambai swiftly responded before snapping out orders at the rest of the Franky Family. "Come the hell on, everyone! Put your damn backs into it! Raise the barrel! _AIM FOR SCRAP ISLAND!"_

"IF YOU SONS OF BITCHES FIRE THIS THING, I'M GONNA—!"

_BLAM!_

"—YEEEOOOOW!" was the last thing that was heard as Franky was suddenly sent flying.

Nami whistled as she shadowed her eyes in order to better watch the cyborg soar. "Nice shot."

"I'm no expert, but I'm very impressed by the top-spin I'm seeing," Chopper mused.

"Ya know what really gets me?" Merry added, tilting her head thoughtfully. "For a guy who's visibly top-heavy and is mostly metal, Big Bro Franky's surprisingly aerodynamic."

"Hmm…" Nami hummed in agreement before waving her hand. "Well, c'mon, we'd better hurry and get back to the Sunny with his undies; unless we have those hostage, he'll probably just run off again."

"Right," Chopper nodded, and no sooner had looked at the nearest canal than three Yagara bulls swam up, offering their backs. "So, you guys think you can get us there before Franky pulls himself together?"

The grins splitting their faces were simultaneously reassuring and worrying.

**-o-**

The rest of the crew, myself included, watched as the proof of our crewmates' success crashed into a mountain of wreckage. With all of the experience I had with my captain's ham-handedness, I couldn't keep from wincing in sympathy. But I couldn't fight down a grin either.

Admittedly, there was a bit of a scare when our friends didn't get back before Franky arrived, but thankfully the cyborg must have happened to clock his head against a particularly thick piece of ship, because he was still stuck and twitching in the pile by the time the Union got them back. _Un-_ fortunately, however, that meant we had an… extended period of time where Franky was stuck. Headfirst. Showing off his… _bottom half_ to everyone watching. And going by the screaming and shouting coming from the city, that was a _lot_ of everyone.

Urgh… some moments of the journey are glorious, but _others…_

Finally, Franky shoved himself out of the junk pile just as our away team got back onboard. The cyborg spent a second blinking around in confusion before smirking as he caught sight of the Sunny. "So, you bastards actually got me here, huh? Well, while I'm here… Hey, Straw Hat! Whaddaya think of the ship, huh? Have you checked out—?"

"Cram it, Franky!" Merry interrupted, levelling an acrid glare at him. "You know that Big Bro Thousand Sunny is perfect! If you've got anything you wanna show us, why don't you come up here and do it yourself!?"

"Ah," Franky flinched uncomfortably, scratching his chin as he pointedly looked away. "That's, ah…"

"But hey," Merry shrugged innocently as she dug what I could only assume was Franky's speedo out of her coat. "Don't take it from me…" She grinned as she tossed the undies to our captain. "Take it from _him."_

Luffy accepted the undergarments with a wider grin than _anyone_ in his position should have and waved them in the air as proudly as our flag. "FRANKY!" he bellowed. "IF YOU WANT YOUR SPEEDOS BACK—Oh, hey, these are _soft,_ do you have any—?"

" _LUFFY!"_

"Right! IF YOU WANT THEM BACK, THEN YOU NEED TO ACCEPT YOUR PLACE ON MY CREW! WHAT DO YOU SAY?"

"…What do I say?" Franky slowly bowed his head with a chuckle. "Well, in a situation like this, where my only options are my pride or my decency…"

"Oh, lord…" I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose, because I could already _tell_ where this was going.

"THEN I SHALL LET MY PRIDE STAND PROUD!" Franky howled as he struck the most revealing pose he could. "EVEN AS I STAND NUDE!"

I winced as a renewed round of screams started up from the city. "Damn it all, Franky, _this_ is why I can't start up the SBS yet!"

"Do we _weawwy_ need him on owah cweh?" Carue groaned as he peeked at the spectacle through his feathers.

"Whoa!" Luffy gasped in astonishment. "I underestimated his determination!"

"Indeed!" Boss declared with a grim frown. "Truly, I did him a disservice in our earlier duel. For never did I suspect for an instant, that in truth…"

The two snapped their heads up with tears of pride. "TRULY HE IS A MAN AMONG MEN!"

_SLAM!_

"WHAT THE APOPHIS IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?" Vivi howled as she bounced the pair's skulls off the deck.

I shook my head in despair at the display, and I _prepared_ to address the commando-cyborg, but then my attention was diverted by the _very_ familiar sounds of brawling behind us. I cast a flat look at our second and third strongest. "Alright, I'll bite: what set those morons off _this_ time?"

" **SANJI WAS DISGUSTED BY FRANKY FLASHING** _ **the women of Water 7,"**_ Soundbite drawled. " _While Zoro was impressed by HIS SENSE OF_ SHAME. OR **MORE ACCURATELY, his lack thereof.** "

I rolled my eyes before raising my voice. "FRANKY! You know my secret, so you know that I know what I'm talking about when I say this: _you do not want to keep being stubborn!_ The nuclear option hurts like hell, for everyone involved!"

Franky looked at me, and seeing my expression, he actually hesitated. And then…

"…make it fast, Robin," I muttered, looking away from the full moon—no, the _shaking_ full moon—I got for my troubles and slapped my hands over my ears.

"Hmm… _no,"_ Robin said, grinning coldly as she crossed her arms over her chest. " _Dos Fleur…_ _ **Grab."**_

What happened next… there are no appropriate onomatopoeia to describe it. No stock sounds for the action itself, nor any appropriate simile for the expression of _noise_ Franky belted out as a result.

But still, I didn't need to describe the noises of the… the _crime against man_ going on behind me to feel a throbbing _pain_ in a place that should never hurt so bad.

"…OK, _now_ I'm legitimately scared of her," Zoro muttered.

"US TOO!" four of our five guards yelped fearfully.

"SOMEONE SNAP A PICTURE!" laughed the fifth.

" _ **Hell, I don't even**_ HAVE THE GEAR _AND_ _ **I'M**_ _HURTING!"_ Soundbite groaned.

"I AGREED TO BE A MERC WEAPON TO AVOID THIS EXACT SITUATION!" Lassoo yipped as he scrambled for cover.

"Ah! Robin, we still want him to be a man when he joins us!" Luffy protested.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Robin reassured him with a far-too-pleasant smile. "Even if they do happen to detach, I'm certain that Chopper could reattach them."

" **FRANKY!"** Chopper screamed as he snapped into his Heavy Point. " **HURRY THE HELL UP AND GIVE IN ALREADY! I HAVEN'T HAD TO TOUCH ANYONE'S SHAME IN MY ENTIRE TIME AS A DOCTOR, AND I DON'T WANT TO START NOW IF I CAN HELP IT!"**

"I… I can't…" Franky gurgled around the mouthful of foam he was choking on. "I… I have to stay here… I really… wouldn't mind going with you, but… I can't be your shipwright… I gave that up a long time ago… this ship… the Thousand Sunny, was it? It's the last… I'll ever make… the best ship the world over… that means my dream is fulfilled, so—!"

"So what, ye damned _scrap-lubber!?"_ Merry barked back, slipping into her buccaneer drawl in the process. "Don't ya realize yer only thinking of yerself, ya darned fool!? If ye _really_ care about Sunny so much, then ye'd think about _his_ feelings too! 'Cause where shipwrights be concerned, the only lubber he wants working on him be _ye,_ ye cola-addled buffoon!"

"I… but I… that's…" Franky shook his head frantically as he worked his way to his feet.

"Franky."

The cyborg snapped his head around at his fellow apprentice. "I-Iceburg?"

"I just have to ask you," Iceburg said, dry as the deserts of Alabasta. "Do you think for even a second that Tom ever blamed you for what happened that day? Do you think that _I_ ever blamed you?"

"You blamed me for a lot of shit, Ice-for-Brains!" Franky snapped.

"Don't change the subject, Flunky," Iceburg snapped right back. "My _point_ is that after all this time, after all you've done for this city and these people, the only person who blames you, who would _ever_ blame you for what happened, is you and you alone! That's why you're chaining yourself here, why you're refusing to go live your dream! When in fact—!" Iceburg choked off slightly before looking away with a sigh. "You should have forgiven yourself a long time ago."

"I… that… _AGH!"_ Franky hunched over with a sudden cry. "It hurts… _it hurts!"_

"AND IT'S GONNA KEEP HURTING UNTIL YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!"

Franky popped his head up with a confused blink. "Say wha—?"

_THWUMP!_

"GAH!" Franky yelped when he was suddenly bowled over by a duffel-bag that was half his weight. "The hell—!? My go-bag? Where'd this come from?"

"FROM US, BIG BRO!"

He snapped his gaze up to the broken bridge to the city, where the Franky Family was out en masse and watching him tearfully.

"YOU… YOU BASTARDS!" Franky raged as he shook his fists. "STEALING MY SPEEDO!? _KICKING ME OUT OF MY OWN DAMN HOUSE?!_ WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU'RE _ALL_ IN FOR A WORLD OF HURT!"

"WE'VE ALL HEARD THOSE WORDS BEFORE, BIG BRO!" Zambai hollered back. "WE'VE ALL SAID THEM BEFORE, EACH OF US, WHEN YOU TOOK US IN! WHEN YOU DRAGGED US IN OUT OF THE COLD AND FORCED US TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER! WE ALL KICKED AND SCREAMED AND FOUGHT, BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY! AND NOW…" Zambai hastily wiped away his tears so that he could roar in full. "NOW, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS, WE'RE DOING THIS FOR YOU, BIG BRO! SO THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY TOO!"

Franky trembled as he stared up at them, mouth agape. Then, without warning, he keeled over again, squirming on the ground and howling like a wounded animal. "OWOWOW, IT _HUUUURTS!"_

I spared a glance at Robin to confirm that she was leaning against the railing with a contented smile. "So," I deadpanned. "How long did you hold him?"

"Just one squeeze," she chuckled. "And it wasn't even that hard. He's quite the actor. Although…" She tapped her chin as she glanced upward "I suppose he _could_ be sensitive due to his size. Tell me, do they get more or less sensitive the—?"

" _NOT HEARING THIS!"_ I cried, slapping my hands over my ears.

"IT _HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUUUUCH!"_

That, however, I did hear, and I turned around to catch sight of Franky pounding the ground in frustration. "But… But if I'm gone…" he wailed. "What… What'll happen to you?!"

"We'll be fine, Big Bro!" Kiwi cried tearfully. "You helped us all get stronger, remember!?"

"We can take care of ourselves!" Mozu sobbed. "We'll miss you, and it'll hurt… but we'll survive, just like you taught us!"

And it wasn't just those two, either.

"We'll miss you, Big Bro! Be safe!"

"We'll always be your family! You'll always have a load of little bros cheering for you, all the way!"

"Stick it to those World Government bastards, right where it hurts!"

"PUT THE DAMN SPEEDO ON, YOU EXHIBITIONIST PERVERT!"

"You… You bastards…" Franky shook his head in despair. "It hurts… _it hurts…"_

I smiled endearingly as I leaned on the railing to get a better view "Ahhh… I could watch this forever…"

"MAYDAY, MAYDAY! _THE UNION SAYS THAT WE'VE GOT_ **MARINES INCOMING!** _ **AND THEY'RE PACKING BACKUP!"**_

"Or not…" I sighed, hanging my head, before flinching back when most of my crew shot glares at me. "I'd hoped that we'd saved enough time to be out of here by now, sue me! And, ah, lemme guess." I glanced at my snail. "Aokiji's on _his_ ship too?"

" _NOT EVEN CLOSE!"_ Soundbite choked on his own tongue. " _Wrong rank_ _ **and number!"**_

My blood ran cold as I connected the dots. "Vice Admirals?" I whispered hoarsely.

Soundbite slowly turned his shivering eyes on me. " _ **A HALF-DOZEN PACKING BATTLESHIPS,**_ **to be specific."**

"FRANKY, GET YOUR NAKED ASS ON THIS TUB RIGHT NOW BEFORE WE ALL GET AN UP-CLOSE AND PERSONAL MEETING WITH DAVY-FREAKING-JONES!" I howled frantically.

Everyone hastily began moving to their own assigned positions. Luffy, of course, threw Franky his speedo, and after a moment of hesitation, the cyborg snatched it out of the air.

"What the hell!" the iron perv laughed. "If you're all kicking me in the ass so hard, I might as well go with it! ALRIGHT! MOVE THE HELL OVER, STRAW HATS, 'CAUSE YOU'VE JUST GOTTEN YOURSELVES A _SUPER_ SHIPWRIGHT!"

All of us spared enough time to _briefly_ celebrate at said shipwright _finally_ managing to get over himself, but when he began a slow and _very_ dramatic walk, I shot a glare and spun my finger at my captain. He pouted a bit, but nevertheless, ten seconds later we had a very stunned and even _more_ naked Franky lying face-down in the grass.

"Say your long-winded and snot-filled farewells on the SBS on your own damn time, numb-nuts!" I ordered. "Because unless we get out of here yesterday, we're going to test Adam Wood against a certain _Hero's_ Meteor Fist! _And my bet ain't on the wood!"_

"Tch, heartless sonnuva—! BAH, FINE!" Franky promptly snapped up into one of his many poses. "LET'S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND!"

"AGREED!" the Kiddy Trio and TDWS concurred as they mirrored his poses.

"I resent that!" Iceburg called up casually.

_SLAM!_

"AND I RESENT THAT THIS PERVERT STILL HASN'T COVERED UP YET!" Vivi raged as she stood above the suddenly downed cyborg, both her fist and his newly acquired lump smoking profusely. "PUT 'EM ON BEFORE I _WELD_ THEM ON!"

Two seconds later found him hastily struggling to work his way into his speedo. "And she needs will-powered cheating to make people do what she wants, _why?"_ he grumbled.

"Because fate loves fucking with us, that's why!" I answer. "Anyway, you can complain and call it the bullshit that it is later, but right now, _we need to get the hell out of here!"_

"On it!" Merry cried, hitching a rope ride to the helm, hopping onto a footstool that she got to rise in front of the wheel and grabbing hold of the spokes. "Nami! The log!"

Nami didn't even hesitate to snap her wrist up to her eyeline. "We've been set for the past two days! Turn the prow 68° starboard, north-northwest!"

"Turning the prow 68° starboard, north-northwest!" Merry parroted as she spun the helm appropriately. Then, without missing a beat, she pulled a pair of levers, spun a few winches, and brushed a couple of switches. The result was immediate and impressive: sails dropped down, the twin anchors raised, the rigging adjusted itself, the ship itself turned to face the open sea; In less than ten seconds, Merry had singlehandedly accomplished work that previously took six or more of the crew, and the ship was underway.

I shot a heady grin at Soundbite as the Sunny started to turn. "We have our heading…" I whispered energetically, already starting to feel my blood buzz beneath my skin as we finally-finally- _finally_ returned to the roaring high seas, better than ever.

" _Heeheehee_ _ **hohoho, yea—**_ **ERK!"** Soundbite suddenly choked and spun his eyes a full 180. "AHHH… _NOW WE ONLY HAVE TO_ _ **SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH**_ **to actually** _ **follow it."**_

Dreading what I was going to find, I jogged over to the railing, leaned over the edge, and caught sight of the better (or worse, from our perspective) half of a Buster Call rounding the edge of Water 7.

"Hooo, now _that's_ not a sight I was looking forward to seeing again any time soon…" I breathed.

"—three, four, five, SIX!" Usopp shouted from where he'd clambered up into the rigging. "WE'VE GOT SIX BATTLESHIPS INCOMING, AND EACH OF THEM HAS A VICE ADMIRAL ON THE DECK! And is that… _grk!"_ Usopp choked and flinched fearfully. " _THE GUY LEADING IT IS YOUR GRANDPA, LUFFY!"_

"WHAT!?" Luffy screamed in panic, instantly shooting over to my side and nearly bowling me over the edge in the process. " _Oh-crap-oh-crap-oh-crap—!"_

"Luffy, please—Oh screw it, **Luffy, calm down!"** Vivi ordered. Her eye then twitched when she was summarily ignored. "For the love of—! _**Shut up, Luffy!"**_ The princess sighed in relief as our captain's tongue was suddenly glued to the roof of his mouth. "Better. Now, _please_ calm down, Luffy. I realize that your Grandfather is a scary… a very, very, _very_ scary man, but he's still your family! How bad could it possibly be?"

"Going by how the old bulldog looks like he's about to pop a vein or ten?" Mikey called down from where he was hanging upside-down in the rigging by his tail, staring through a pair of binoculars he'd snatched up. "I'd say pretty damn bad!"

Vivi's gaze fell flat as Luffy started running around like a headless chicken again. "Raphey."

Mikey looked up (down) from his binoculars with a confused blink. "Wait, wha—?"

SWISH! _THUMP!_

"GWAH!" Mikey yelped when the rope he was hanging from suddenly split and dropped him onto a _wooden_ part of the deck.

"Don't be an idiot, dipshit!" Raphey snickered as she reaffixed her oversized shuriken on her back.

_THWACK!_

"YEOW!" the pink-bandana'd dugong flinched as a pulley swung down and cracked her upside her skull.

"DON'T HURT BIG BRO SUNNY, DIPSHIT!" Merry roared from the helm.

I turned my gaze away from the crew scrambling around and getting Sunny ready for his maiden voyage and turned back towards the Blue Curtain of Justice that had taken up a portion of the horizon. After a moment's watching, I blinked as I realized that I could just barely make out a figure I'm 95% sure was Garp, judging by the white and the… wild gesticulating? Wait…

"Hey, how come the old coot isn't using his megaphone?" I asked no one in particular.

Soundbite responded by _somehow_ popping a vein on his shell. " **He's assuming that** _ **I'LL HANDLE THAT**_ **MYSELF.** _WHICH ISN'T FUCKING HAPPENING, BY THE BY!"_ The last phrase was bellowed for all to hear.

I nodded, and frowned at the snail. "And… are all of them wearing ear protection?"

" _Ah…"_ Soundbite blinked in confusion. " _The lesser ranks are, but_ _ **the Vice Admirals aren't?**_ **And they're not reacting to my** BLASTING THEIR EARDRUMS FOR SOME REASON?"

I rolled my eyes with an exasperated tsk. "Haki, ever and always such bullshit. But hey, he wants to sling shit?" I smirked as I dove my hand into my bag. "Then I'll damn well _sling._ Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to be so abrupt, but the fact of the matter is that I'm assuming that by now most everyone manages to pick up on the first ring." My grin wavered slightly. "Aaand our situation is just a _tad_ desperate right now, so we're starting straight out the gate. And speaking of starting! My name is Jeremiah Cross, and it's time—!"

"— _EVEN THINK ABOUT STARTING THE SBS, I'LL TWIST YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF YOUR SCRAWNY NECK!"_

My eyes twitched. Repeatedly. "So. It's not enough that people stop me from starting the SBS on purpose, but they have to do it by accident, too."

"I DON'T CARE IF THAT WAS _AN ACCIDENT,_ _ **that bastard cut me off!"**_ Soundbite snarled. " _ **I'LL SUE YOU, OLD MAN!"**_

" _JUST TRY IT, SNAIL! I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT RIGHT BEFORE THEY PUT YOUR SLIMY ASS DOWN!"_

"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU SENILE SONNUVA BITCH!" I roared, balancing on the railing as a number of hands shot out of the woodwork and held me in order to keep me from overbalancing. "I'LL PUNT THE _TAPIOCA_ OUT OF YOU, AND MAKE SURE YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN FOR BINGO FOR _WEEKS!"_

A tense silence fell for a few moments. Then…

"… _Right, screw it. Luffy, you're all gonna die here at sea. I'd say sorry, but where your third mate is concerned, I'm pretty sure I'm doing the world a favor. GET ME MY METEORS!"_

I returned everyone's blazing glares with a flat stare. "The hell are you all getting pissy for? He was gonna do this either way, I just cut through the senile jibber-jabber. 'Sides, you all heard him! He threatened Soundbite!"

The glaring exchanged looks for a few seconds, and ultimately, they decided to let it drop. "So, now what?" Boss asked.

"Now he's going to try sinking the ship using the Monkey family special: sheer brute force."

"Meaning…?" Sanji trailed off uncomfortably.

"Meaning _duck and freaking cover!"_ Funkfreed trumpeted, stabbing his trunk into the soil and snapping into his blade-point.

We all had a bare moment to brace for impact—

_KA-BLAM!_

When a section of Scrap Island's coast suddenly detonated and sent us a-rocking.

Conis slowly slat up with a dazed and terrified look in her eyes. "And he caused that by _throwing_ the cannonball!? But-But that's _impossible!"_

"Which is something that adolescent Conis can confirm!" Su chuckled.

"Yeah, well, if you want _my_ opinion?" I groused before sticking my head over Sunny's railing. "HEY GARP! YOU THROW LIKE BRETT FAVRE, AND TRUST ME, THAT'S NOT A—GAH!"

" **SHUT! THE! HELL! UP! AND! STOP! TRYING! TO! GET! US! ALL!** _ **KILLED!"**_ Vivi raged as she wrung my neck and repeatedly bounced my head off the lawn. Good news, though: the grass made the impacts softer! Didn't stop the oxygen deficit, though.

"You seem to have officially exhausted your daily limit for provoking people who could kill you with one finger, Cross," Robin chuckled morbidly as she leaned over me.

"Grggkh…" I choked out in response as I tried to pry the snapped-Princess off of my neck.

"Uhh… guys?" Zoro spoke up with honest curiosity. "Does anyone have an explanation as to how or why the old-timer gave his ship an afro?

"WHAT?!" Boss exclaimed, he and the TDWS snapping their attention towards the ship. He stared for a moment before sagging. "Oh, that's a let-down, that's just a giant cannonba—HOLY SEBEK THAT'S A GIANT CANNONBALL!"

"Grgh-r-ri-GRK! Vivi! Off!"

A wordless snarl was my only response, and then Eisen cloud wrapped around her waist and Nami herself went for her fingers.

"Down, girl," Nami said soothingly as she slowly pried the digits out of my throat. "Save it for when he gets _really_ bad."

It took one more shake, but the princess finally released her grip on me. "This is _not_ over," she swore testily.

I shuddered at the _promise_ before snapping my attention over towards the prow. "Merry, Franky, fire up the—! Ahhh, wait a sec!" I snapped my attention back to my mic. "Sorry, viewers, I'm going to have to take a break here. The SBS will return in a few minutes!"

So saying, I placed the mic on the cradle, to much confusion and surprise, which I responded to with a simple smirk. "What? This isn't the first time I've shown that I'm smart enough to not blow our secret weapons to everyone. Now, I'd suggest that all of you hang onto your everything, because you're about to experience the first of many, _many_ utterly amazing and unique talents that the Thousand Sunny has to offer."

"Ah, yeah, speaking of which," Franky paused mid-stride. "Is that name set in stone? Because if not, I've got a—!"

" _Move yer bleedin' arse, ye iron arse-brain!"_ Merry barked.

"Right!" Franky yelped, hastily ducking under the deck.

" _TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, DAMMIT!"_ Garp shouted as he threw the… uh… wow, Oda's art didn't really capture the scale, did it? Swear to God, in that moment it looked as big as the moon.

And it was… getting…

" _ANYTIME NOW,_ _ **GUYS!"**_ Soundbite hollered.

"AS CROSS SAID, HANG ON TO YOUR EVERYTHING!" Franky's voice yelled out from belowdecks. "BUT MOST OF ALL!? _HANG ONTO YOUR UNDERWEAR! COUP DE…"_

"CAPTAIN! Do the thing I had you do at Navarone, hurry!" I said hastily.

"Eh?" Luffy glanced at me before grinning massively. "Oh, right, that! Soundbite?"

" _ **YOU'RE**_ **good!"**

"HEY, GRAMPS! OTHER MARINES!" Luffy laughed back at the rest of the fleet pursuing us. "YOU GUYS'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS AS THE DAY YOU _ALMOST_ CAUGHT MONKEY D. LUFFY—"

" _BURST!"_

"AND THE STRAW HAT PIRA—"

_BOOM!_

"— _AAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!"_

"PFHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" I whooped eagerly as I hung onto the lawn for dear life. And honestly, that was _all_ I could do. Because then and there? The wind whipping past us, the very clouds streaming around and over our ship… there was only one word for it all. "WE'RE FLYING AGAIN! WOOHOOHOOHOO! THIS IS AWESOME!"

"BEST! SHIP! EVER!" Luffy laughed.

"YOU KNOW IT, CAPTAIN!" Merry cheered, hanging on to the helm like a small and overly-eager flag.

"I definitely like it!" Zoro said, cackling into the wind. "He's got spirit, lots of it!"

"Of course he does, that's how I built him!" Franky replied from his control rom.

"TO GO THIS FAR, THIS FAST, ALL AT ONCE!?" Boss puffed his chest with pride as he stood upon the railing. "SO MANY WORDS… BUT AT THEIR CORE, TRULY!" He leapt up- "A MAN'S RO— _GWAH!"_ He winced as he was pancaked into a wall by the air pressure. "…unwise, but still. A MAN'S ROMANCE!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" The TDWS concurred.

Everyone else, well… it was a mix of relief, awe, and excitement, to varying levels.

I looked around at the sea zipping past us before flinging my head back with a laugh.

"PFHAHAHA! IN CASE I HAVEN'T SAID IT ENOUGH?" I shouted into the wind. " _I SERIOUSLY_ LOVE _THIS CREW!"_

**-o-**

Most of the Marines assembled at Water 7 spent the moment gaping after the sight of the Straw Hat Pirates escaping them by flying. One or two of the Vice Admirals were grumbling about not seeing it coming after Enies, and as for Garp himself?

"…tsk. Shiki did it better," he muttered, unable to stop a proud grin coming over his face. "But I shouldn't have expected anything less from my grandson."

" _Fleet Admiral Sengoku is not going to be happy about this, Garp,"_ reported Vice Admiral Dalmatian from nearby. " _So unless you'd like to experience his recently shortened temper for yourself, I recommend that we take some initiative while we're here and handle the seceded nation of Water 7."_

Garp's grin faded, and he scoffed as he side-eyed the Vice Admiral across ships. "Yeah, great idea, kibble-breath. Only one nice big _hulking_ problem with it."

" _And that would be?"_ Dalmatian snorted, wisely deciding to _not_ argue with the Hero of the Marines concerning his nicknaming practices.

Said hero picked his nose with his pinky as he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "The question of what army we'd use. Ya know, against _theirs?"_

Attention turned away from the speck that the Straw Hats' fleeing ship had become over towards the island of Water 7.

More specifically? Towards the hodge-podge armada that had boiled out from the island's many docks and piers. Nearly a dozen ships the size of their own battleships formed the center, from three gargantuan grain haulers with holes cut in their sides to the four-deck, purpose built _Royal Charles_ originally intended as a vanity project by a South Blue kingdom. All bristled with enough cannons to make even the turret crews nervous.

Flanking this force on all sides were smaller ships of all sizes ranging from race-built frigates to rowboats with a single gun sticking out over the bow. And at the front was the oddest collection of contraptions any of the officers save Garp had ever seen. A tin can on a smoking raft, gleaming in the sunlight and two wide muzzles poking out. Flat barges lugging squat, rounded mortars or organ-like rocket launchers. One small schooner carrying a gun longer than the ship itself. Another that appeared to be entirely inflatable. A third with three odd tubes sticking out of the foredeck.

Hell, there was even an entirely _circular_ ship wobbling to and fro on the water with a pair of cannons stuck on almost as an afterthought.

And those were just the guns on the _boats._ Scrap Island, meanwhile, was suddenly bristling like an angry metal porcupine with stray cannon muzzles.

" _Ahem, excuse me?"_

All attention turned to the middle of Scrap Island, where Mayor Iceburg had a megaphone raised and the best shipwrights on the island beside him. While they were staring down the battleships with narrowed eyes, Iceburg was content with a relaxed smile.

" _Attention, Marines,"_ he called over. " _You are currently in restricted waters. Kindly vacate the premises at your earliest convenience. Should you_ fail _to vacate, well…"_

_B-B-BOOM!_

The Marines jumped as a _half-dozen_ explosions sounded out across the local waters, sending up plumes of water _dangerously_ close to what the crews of each battleship knew to be the weakest parts of their hulls.

" _I cannot promise your safety. After all…"_ Iceburg tilted his head _just_ a tad to the side. " _There could be any manner of_ accidents _if you get too close to shipwrights' working areas."_

While the rest of the Vice Admirals blustered and stiffened, Garp regarded Iceburg for a minute or so before heaving a sigh when, just for a moment, he saw a flash of one of the largest (and most yellow) fishmen he'd ever met. "Generation xeroxing left and right… when the hell am _I_ going to get my clone in another body, eh?"

"Ah, Vice Admiral, sir?"

Garp glanced over his shoulder at Coby, who was holding a salute with an ill-hidden grin. "Your orders, Vice Admiral?" he requested.

Garp stared at him for a second longer before shooting a smirk dead ahead, rubbing a finger under his nose. "Asked and answered… Coby!"

"Sir!"

"Spread the word to reverse course and make for the Tub Current. We came here for the Straw Hats and we failed. Someone else will handle Water 7. For now?" Garp spun on his heel and marched towards the raised superstructure of his ship. "We're headed home."

**-o-**

After the rush of the Sunny's first Coup de Burst wore off—a Coup de Burst that apparently took _five_ barrels of Cola due to the increased size of the ship—the entire crew stood on the deck as I restarted the SBS.

" _He-llo, everybody, and welcome back to the SBS broadcast, episode 4-9-3!"_ Soundbite cheered in a British accent.

"…I'm sorry, what?" I questioned, too puzzled by the oddity of the snail's statement to be upset about him stealing my line. "I don't think we've even had _one_ hundred broadcasts yet."

" **EH,** _ **two references in one.**_ _493 IS THE END_ **of generation four,** _ **SINCE THIS IS THE END OF THE FOURTH LEG!"**_

I thought about that, and nodded. "Alright, that makes sense. And the second?"

" _More obscure reference to a sponsor."_

"Sponsor?" I blinked in confusion. "We don't _have_ sponsors."

" **Eh?"** Soundbite blinked right back. " _ **No duh we DON'T HAVE SPONSORS,**_ **THE HELL ARE YOU—?!"**

"MOVING ON!" I barked hastily as I pegged onto what had just happened. "As you'll recall, we last left off while escaping from our Marine pursuers, through means which we will _not_ be disclosing." I grinned cheekily. "Need to keep _some_ surprises in reserve, dontcha know? And now that we have a moment of peace, it's time for us to properly celebrate the result of our journey. As such, I gracefully cede the mic to our captain, who is about to propose a toast."

"RIGHT!" Luffy grinned, raising his mug. "I remember how to do this from Shanks! Ah, let's see… To the safe return of Robin!"

Robin smiled politely as she knocked her frothing mug with mine.

"To the new life of Merry!"

"LET'S GET KEEL-FACED!" the ship-girl roared as she raised her _pair_ of extra-large mugs. Apparently, a benefit of being only partially human was an insanely high tolerance for alcohol.

"And to our newest crewmates: Franky—"

"The _SUPER!_ shipwright of the Straw Hats!" said cyborg bellowed, doing his usual pose.

"—and our new ship, the Thousand Sunny!" Luffy finished.

A gust of wind hit us at _just_ the right angle to elicit a roar from Sunny.

"He just said 'bring it on!'" Merry provided.

All present (with the necessary appendages) raised their mugs alongside Luffy as he raised his own.

"EVERYONE!" Luffy cheered. "HERE'S TO THE NEXT ISLAND! AND TO ALL OUR ADVENTURES TO COME! _KANPAI!"_

" _KANPAI!"_ we cheered in unison.

"And here's to us actually getting to _relax_ a little in the meantime," I whispered to Robin under my breath, getting a giggle in response.

**-o-**

As the SBS went on, the old man didn't bother hiding an earsplitting grin, nor did he attempt to stop the tears of joy that streamed down his face.

"You kids are something else," Mekao whispered. "To see a Klabautermann is rare in itself. To speak to one is even more mythical. But to have loved your ship that much… so much that your new one is part of your family from the day of its birth…"

Mekao shook his head and turned back to his fellow shipwrights. Eight days ago, no matter how much he spoke about the right way to treat ships, they had always shrugged it off with amusement. Now there wasn't a single soldier among them who didn't hang onto Mekao's every word.

The grin on his face was starting to hurt as he raised his bottle. "This is legitimate cause for celebration! To the crew who truly loves their ship, who truly loves them in return! To the crew who has reawakened the world's understanding of how to take care of their seacrafts! To the Straw Hat Pirates: may their impossible works never cease!"

"Kanpai!" the soldiers shouted in agreement before knocking their drinks back with him.

**-3 Weeks Later-**

"Mayor Iceburg!"

The mayor looked up from the blueprints that he had been perfecting and poring over for almost a month now, staring up with a curious frown at the one who had called him. "What is it, Oimo?"

"We just got word from our bosses! They'll be arriving here in an hour or two."

An ear-to-ear grin stretched Iceburg's face. "Excellent. Gather everyone together, I'll want to make my proposal straightaway. Oh, and can you handle the blueprints?"

Oimo guffawed as he took the pages from Iceburg and left, planning to gather the few other giants who had arrived at the island before the Ogres. Iceburg, at the same time, began gathering together every last member of the Galley-La Company for what was easily the biggest, hardest, and most rewarding project that they would ever undertake.

**-o-**

Naturally, the two ogres had parked their palm-log raft at the small plain where pirates had usually docked. After all, that was where the best ale could be had. Or, well, something _similar_ to ale.

"This 'beer' is interesting," Dorry rumbled, taking a sip from the barrel he was holding. "The 'hops' give it a faint bitter tone that works surprisingly well."

"Bah!" Broggy scoffed, rolling his own barrel back over to Dorry and grabbing a different one. "Give me regular ale any day of the week, rather than that horse piss you're drinking."

"Horse piss?" Dorry repeated, shooting a glare at his long-time rival and partner. "Care to say that again?"

"Of course I—" Broggy began, only for a loud cough to catch their attention. Both of them glanced down to Iceburg lower his fist from his mouth and shoot a flat stare at the both of them.

"I think I speak for a lot of people when I say we'd rather you _don't_ get in another century-long honor duel," he blandly stated.

Both giants had the good grace to look sheepish at that. "Ah, Oimo told us you had a proposal for a ship for the new Giant Warrior Pirates?" Dorry said, faintly flushed in embarrassment.

"I do," Iceburg stated. "For your payment as well, seeing as you undoubtedly don't have any coffers left either."

"Damn looters raiding all our gold stashes…" Dorry spat to the side.

"Damn rats _eating_ the rest…" Broggy concurred before casting a grateful gaze at Iceburg. "We'll take whatever charity you can offer us, Mayor Iceburg."

"Trust me, this isn't charity," Iceburg assured him. "Though before we begin, I'd prefer to wait until Oimo returns with the blueprints—"

As if on cue, Oimo and Kashi picked that moment to land on the plain from where they'd jumped off the city walls, quickly jogging up to where their captains were.

"Mayor, I brought the blueprints!" Oimo eagerly reported.

"And I convinced the rest of the giants not to go starry-eyed until _after_ we complete our business!" Kashi added.

"Thank you both," Iceburg said. "Now we can begin. I assume that you are all familiar with our plight where Aqua Laguna is concerned?"

"Of course," Dorry nodded sadly. "We knew this city many generations ago. You've managed to improve it over the years, but…"

"A lot of good bars and districts have sunken beneath the waves…" Broggy sighed remorsefully. "It's really a sad thing."

"Oimo, the blueprints, please."

The giant grinned, and produced the giant-sized pile of design papers that he and Kashi had helped draw for his two captains to look over. And despite them not having much expertise in the way of shipbuilding, they understood what they were looking at in an instant. And their jaws subsequently dropped.

"Converting an island… into a _ship…"_ Dorry breathed.

"Pretty ballsy, huh, bosses?" Kashi chuckled.

"Pretty _nutty,_ I'll say!" Broggy shot back. "And hell, even if it _does_ work out, there's still the issue of time and resources! This is gonna cost ten different kinds of bundles, _and_ you'll be long dead before this is ever completed!"

"And, normally, I'd be alright with that," Iceburg nodded in concession. "But in recent weeks… I've become aware of an alternative. An alternative that will save us, in your own words, 'ten different kinds of bundles.'"

"Oh, yeah?" Dorry cocked an eyebrow. "What?"

"Not what, Boss, who!" Oimo corrected.

"And by who, he means _us!"_ Kashi nodded.

The Giant Warrior Captains exchanged confused glances before looking back at their subordinates. "Come again?"

"Over the course of the past few weeks, your men have been helping us repair the devastation that CP9 left in their wake." Iceburg explained. "The damage was extensive, and normally would have required months to repair in full, but thanks to the aid of but two giants, capable of doing the work of at _least_ a hundred men apiece on an incredible scale, Water 7 is already back on its feet in a fraction of the estimated time."

"Hrm…" Dorry scratched his chin thoughtfully. "And that was with the aid of only two giants… and seeing as we'll be gathering our crew both new and old _here…"_

"So, basically," Broggy picked up. "You're saying that you'll let us work off our debt by helping you renovate the city, is that it?"

"That's part of it, but not all of it," Iceburg replied. "You see, now that we've seceded from the World Government, we're going to be in constant danger from pirates and the world government alike. Our civilians are used to leading… _interesting_ lives, comes from living in the Grand Line, but they still have their limits. Hence, protection will be an ever-present issue, even with all of the shipwrights on the island cooperating, and then there will be the issue of properly _crewing_ a vessel the size of Water 7… as you can see, there are a host of issues."

"Issues that could be solved, once again, by the involvement of giants," Broggy nodded slowly.

"So, we lend you our crew to crew this island, you build us our ship?" Dorry guessed.

"Something like that…" Iceburg nodded slowly, before donning a confident grin. "Only on a more permanent and, shall we say, _mutually beneficial_ set of terms."

It took a full minute after the mayor finished, but the realization struck like thunder when it hit.

"…So, you're asking us not only have our crew help convert this entire _island_ into a ship…" Dorry began.

"But then to _use Water 7_ as _our_ pirate ship?" Broggy finished.

"In broad strokes, with many finer details to be hammered out, most important of all the safety of our civilians over the course of your adventures… but in essence, yes," Iceburg responded. "So, do we have a deal?"

The giants exchanged looks. There was silence. More silence. And then it broke.

"GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA!/GABABABABABABABABABABABABA!"

"Dorry!" Broggy managed to get out as he clapped a hand on his friend's back hard enough to cause tremors. "I'm currently of the opinion that in our absence, the world has gone _completely insane! GABABABABA!"_

"I agree completely, Broggy!" Dorry guffawed just as uproariously, clutching his gut as he shook. "And I'm currently of the opinion _that I love it! GEYAGYAGYAGYA!"_

"I'll take that as a resounding 'hell yes'," Iceburg chuckled as he removed a flask from his back pocket and raised it in a toast. "Very well, then! Let us drink to our newly minted arrangement!"

"To the Giant Warrior's future ship, the Water 7!" Dorry swiftly raised his own giga-sized bottle.

"And to the ones who even made this arrangement possible to begin with, the Straw Hat PIrates!" Broggy finished with his own bottle. "May they enjoy equally good fortune in their adventures, wherever they might be!"

**-o-**

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me…" I growled acridly, balancing my chin on my fists. The _reason_ for my foul mood was the sub-zero _ice pit_ that not only I, but the _majority of my crewmates_ , found ourselves in.

"Captured, after how far we've come," I spat. "By a bunch of two-bit, half-rate, half-wit _filler villains._ This. Is. _Bullshit."_

"You seem… unhappy," Conis deduced from where she was sitting across the cell.

"Of course I'm unhappy!" I snapped, throwing my arms up in the air. "I mean, at least this isn't Rain Dinners all over again—"

"We beg to differ!" Nami and Zoro bellowed from where they were hanging from their ankles by a pair of frosted-over chains, their arms secured behind their backs.

"But I'm still pissed that we got _tricked_ in here!"

"You mean you're upset at yourself for not seeing this coming," Usopp retorted, his chin on his own fists as well.

I pursed my lips and lowered my hands. "Well, you're not _wrong…"_ I snapped my head up with a growl as I slammed my fist into the frozen wall. "But I'm not entirely at fault, either! This bit was called the 'Ice Hunter' arc for a reason: the Accino family controls this _entire_ iceberg field. I only ever saw a _fraction_ of their playbook, and they were _way_ more on the ball than I thought was possible! Plus…" I shook my head darkly. "They were, to reiterate, _filler villains._ By the time I remembered that they were going to be gunning for our Jolly Roger _or_ that the Phoenix Pirates were under their heel, it was too late!"

"Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me," Sanji drawled as he took a drag from his cigarette.

"Oh, fuck off, lover boy!" I snapped. "I didn't see _you_ Diable Jambe-ing that ice-skating skank when you had the chance!"

Despite the cold, Sanji's last cigarette still ashed in an instant. "Why, you—!" He _tried_ to leap at me, but he was yanked up short by the leg-irons he was sporting.

"Well, least there's a bright side," Franky piped up as he idly shifted around in the mass of chains he was all but mummified in.

"What _possible_ bright side could there be in this case?" Nami twisted her head around so that she could properly glare at the cyborg.

"Well, Luffy's still out there, so—!"

"—a piece of meat! Oh, a piece of meat! Oh, a piece of meat!"

Soundbite and I slowly shared an uneasy glance as we heard Luffy's voice approaching above us. "Why do I feel like I've heard this bit before?" I asked in great trepidation.

_THWAP!_

I stared at the newly-cooked piece of meat that had just landed in the center of the pit before knocking the back of my head against the wall with a defeated sigh. "Look out above."

"Oh, a piece of mea— _WHOA!"_

_THUMP!_

I regarded our captain with a dry stare. "Hello, Luffy. What brings you here?"

"Hey, Cross!" Luffy responded as he munched down on the steak he'd dove down to get before glancing around at the rest of the crew in confusion. "I found a trail of meat leading into here from the cold! What're you doing here?"

"Getting mani-pedis at the Ice-Hole Holiday Inn," I snarked. "What does it look like?"

"Like you all got captured," Luffy nodded, before jerking in realization. "Ah! You're all captured!"

"Quaaa…" Carue drawled in tired resignation.

"Well, don't worry!" Luffy nodded confidently as he started winding his arm up. "I'll get out of here real quick, and then I'm gonna—!"

_CLANK!_

" _Hurl…"_ Luffy collapsed to his knees with a groan.

"Yet another perfect slapshot, Hockera! Well done!" a boisterous voice guffawed from on high.

"It's all in the wrist, Campacino, all in the wrist!"

I glared up at our captors for a second before eyeing the new collar my captain was sporting. "Well, perfect, now we're seven for seven on incapacitated ability-users."

"Mrph…" Soundbite mumbled murderously around the metal muzzle he was sporting.

"Trust us, Cross…" Robin groaned from the corner of the cell she was sitting in, her hat angled over her eyes. "This isn't pleasant for us either."

"They must have custom-made these things to have higher seastone-to-steel ratios than normal…" Chopper wheezed, splayed helplessly out on his stomach. "It feels like we're all dunked in the ocean… Heck…" He waved his hoof at the chained up gun and sword in the pit. "Lassoo and Funkfreed can't even change back from their weapon forms…"

"Gonna… kill… these… bastards… for… touching… Sunny's… _flag…"_ Merry grit out as she clawed at the walls, trying and failing to climb up the slick surface.

"Though… willpower seems to make the effects vary…" Chopper noted dryly.

"Maybe if I… no, but that's… perhaps… what if… no no no…"

"Su?" Su cocked her eyebrow at the pacing princess.

"Ah, yes," Conis nodded swiftly. "Vivi, you seem… distracted?"

Vivi glanced up, and shook her head. "To make a long story short, according to Cross, Don Accino's Devil Fruit is most likely—!"

"Is the Rage of Alabasta, the Hot-Hot Fruit?" I deadpanned.

"Yes?"

"Then its user is _definitely_ a ways away _that way,"_ I nodded, jabbing my finger upward.

"Right…" Vivi groaned, grinding her fingers into her temple. "And if that's true, it's extremely important that I speak to this Don Accino straight away, so that I can work _something_ out! His powers are a national treasure back home, and if I could I'd invite him to go to Alabasta to join the royal guard…" She spread her arms in despair. "But the problem is my _position!_ If I make the request now, while me and my friend's lives are on the line—!"

"Then it would look like all you're doing is speaking out of your ass in order to save your skin," I deduced grimacing. "Yeeeaaah, that's a problem."

"Worse than you'd think…" Vivi muttered, going back to her agitated pacing. "The Desert is lost to us until Crocodile one day dies, I'd never forgive myself if I let the Rage slip out of reach as well. And now…"

"Well… maybe you could make the offer to him while we're on our way out after we kick the Accino's collective asses?" I proposed. "After all, once that happens, they're gonna be up a creek without a base of operations."

"And _how_ are we going to get out?" Vivi shook her head miserably. "After all, we're almost all locked up in here with no way out!"

I blinked at her in confusion before slapping a hand to my head with a chuckle. "Oh, right, you got here _after_ me and Nami, I forgot. Nami, you mind—?"

"Yoo~hoo~," Nami sang, withdrawing her arms from behind her back and wiggling her fingers before hiding them again.

"The truth is that we can get out whenever we need to," I explained. "We're just waiting for the best moment to do it, is all. After all, things are… weird. I mean, look around." I spread my arms at the cell. "The Accinos are cocky and bastards, but they're _also_ damn skilled and professional. With this much bounty money on the line, we should have been in a Marine brig from the word go. But instead, they're keeping us in _here?_ Nah nah, _something_ is up, though the question is what. So, for now, we wait. And besides…" I jabbed my thumb upwards. "We've still got one last ace in the hole, remember? The TDWS are still out there. Not sure what they're planning, but—!"

_KNOCK-KNOCK!_

A rapping sound drew my attention to Boss, who'd thus far been quiet as he sat in a seiza position. Once he had my attention, he held up a trio of 'fingers' on his flipper, then ticked one down… then a second… and then…

_TH-TH-TH-THWUMP!_

A quartet of bound, gagged and struggling dugongs were unceremoniously dumped into the center of the pit.

I blinked slowly at the groaning pile. "Huh… didn't see _that_ coming. But… _how_? The TDWS might be students, but they're still pretty skilled. Who could have—?"

Boss responded to that by jabbing his flipper upward without even turning his head.

I followed his flipper, and blinked as I caught sight of what was standing at the lip of the ice pit's entrance. "Are those Fierce Penguins? But they're only fierce and strong in numbers, how could four of them—?

SLAP!

My words died in my throat as my brain seized up at what had just happened.

"Did… that penguin just high-five another penguin?" I asked weakly.

SLAP-SLAP-SLAP-SLAP-AP- _SLAP!_

My question was promptly answered by the penguins exchanging yet _more_ high-fives, a veritable flurry of them…

_SLAP!_

That ended with one of them dope-slapping a, well, dopey-looking one.

A quartet of high-fiving penguins who'd just managed to kick the TDWS's ass…

I slowly turned my gaze on Soundbite. "Please say it ain't so…" I whimpered.

"Mmph-mph…" the snail smirked even behind his muzzle.

I silently stared at the snail before slowly standing up and turning to face the wall. "Well, if that's the case… It would seem like we've managed to guarantee at least _one_ thing."

SMASH!

"This," I grit out through my rictus smile as I slammed my forehead against the ice over and over.

_SMASH!_

"Is going."

_SMASH!_

"To be _fun."_

**Patient AN: Before anyone gets it in their heads to bite ours off for not telling you Cross' bounty, it's not out of trolling this time… or at least, not primarily. If I had my way, we would have just put it as ∞, but until we have the bounty of Dragon or one of the Four Emperors as a measuring stick, we can't put forth an exact number.**

**Hornet AN: And yes, Jack's and Cracker's bounties had a lot to do with that decision.**

**Xomniac AN: Maybe we'll spill the beans on what it is once we have the top bounty in the world, alongside the Emperor's… : 3 Then again, maybe not~**

**Patient AN: Updated note on September 26, 2019: we have now posted Cross's bounty.**


	5. Chapter 5

### Chapter 49: The Awe-Inspiring Kancolle Affair!

### Chapter Text

**Rule 1183: Under no circumstances are unknown shipgirls flying the skull and crossbones to be brought to base. It is not worth it.**

**Hornet AN: Rated R for Merry's filthy, filthy mouth. And my God, you guys have no idea how long I've been waiting to release this.**

Admiral Goto sighed, rubbing his temples. It was far too early in the morning for this shit. "Okay, Ooyodo… run this one by me again."

"Yes, Admiral," Ooyodo nodded as she adjusted her glasses. "Earlier this morning, Nagato had another Crossroads nightmare and decided to go out onto the water to clear her head. She found the brig sloop you see tied up at the pier just as it emerged from a fogbank."

Indeed, a medium-sized sailing ship was tied up the pier, and oh, what a bizarre ship it was. The lion's head at the front wasn't too unusual for its size and coloration, but the two cabins protruding from the poop deck, what for all the world looked like the back end of a large jet engine sticking out of the upper stern, a large circular port with a large '1' painted on the side, and the _tangerine trees_ dotting the deck were all quite different from what anyone familiar with the Age of Sail would expect. Most worrying, though, was the stylized skull and crossbones wearing a straw hat that was painted on the main sail and the black flag flying from the mainmast.

All in all, it was quite the intriguing ship, as ingenious as it was ludicrous. Indeed, kudos were to be given to whoever had figured out how to grow tangerines on board. No scurvy for them!

"Nagato boarded and found only a young girl frantically trying to run the ship, with a… surprising degree of success. It would appear that the helm and rigging have been configured so that they can be operated by a single person," Ooyodo continued. "The girl tried to run her off at first, but after Nagato explained that they were near Abyssal territory - and, interestingly - she allowed her to tow the ship back here."

"Hmm, I see…" Admiral Goto nodded in understanding before turning around and marching down from the balcony overlooking the base's waterfront. "And what's become of the girl?"

"Ah, that's… complicated, sir."

Goto tensed in dread. Anything capable of making Ooyodo—who, as his secretary ship, dealt with almost as much shit as he did—uneasy was _guaranteed_ to be bad news. "What?"

"W-Well, you see, sir—" Ooyodo uncomfortably fiddled with her glasses as they arrived at the Admiral's office. "A-As you know, Kongo has been researching methods for you and her to have children once the war is over."

"And?"

"Well…" Ooyodo scratched the back of her head. "You see, there are other ships in the Fleet who share her desires, save that most of them are nowhere near as… shall we say, 'optimistic'?"

"What does any of this have to do with the situation at hand?"

Ooyodo sighed wearily as she laid her hands on the door. "It has everything do with the situation—" The light cruiser pushed the door open, revealing the scene inside. "Because Nagato is one of those ships."

Within Goto's office were a pair of individuals, one familiar and the other not. One was the battleship Nagato who, for her part, looked simply ecstatic as she squeezed, nuzzled, and practically smothered the head of the child she was lovingly (some might say desperately) clutching to her… ample fuel tanks. Meanwhile, said child, a young girl, was a stranger to Goto, and an oddly dressed one at that: the hood of the orange raincoat she was wearing was pulled down to reveal a shock of white hair with swirls of brown above her ears, a metal choker wrapped around her neck that slightly matched the anklets affixed around her flailing heels, and gray leggings poked out from under the bottom of said coat. Her face was one that would likely have been absolutely adorable, if not for the fact that it was twisted in rage.

Then again, considering what some of the other girls on base wore, this was practically normal.

"—rat-infested cum-hauling termite-ridden low-grade-copper-plated—!"

"Is she a shipgirl?" Goto asked, an eyebrow raised at the steady stream of profanity flowing from the mouth of a girl who looked no older than his destroyers. "She's certainly got the mouth for it. I've heard less imaginative swearing while I was serving my commission."

"We're… not quite sure," Ooyodo replied, her lips pursed. "We _think_ so, mostly due to Nagato squeezing her hard enough to crack ribs on a normal person, but when she forced her to disembark from the ship she was on—not an easy feat, mind you—she sank like a stone the moment she hit the water. But even then, well…" She searched for the words for a moment before shrugging helplessly. "I don't know what to say, Admiral, it's… just a feeling. Kinship, however tangential. I can… we can all tell she's a shipgirl. Whether by instinct or something else."

"Mm, no, I know the feeling," Goto said. After all, with Admirals across the world getting shipgirl powers, this… intuition would logically be one of them. "Nevertheless, if she is a shipgirl, a few questions arise: who is she? Who summoned her? And more importantly, what will we do with her?"

"Oh, Admiral, Admiral!" Nagato suddenly piped up. "Yes, I volunteer, I'll adopt her!"

"You'll _what!?"_ Goto choked incredulously, while Ooyodo slapped her hand to her face with a weary groan.

The foreign shipgirl, for her part, was much more vocal in her disagreement to the idea.

" _EXCUSE ME?!"_ she screeched, a slight accent seeming to slip into her voice.

"You heard me! I'll adopt you!" Nagato squealed eagerly as she spun the girl around. "Oooh, it'll be perfect! I'll be a mommy and Hoppo-chan will be a big sister! Oh! And I can call Colorado and tell her the news! She'll be thrilled to be a daddy! Then we'll all be one big happy family! Won't that be nice?"

Faintly, Goto almost swore he could hear a shout of "WHAT?!" coming from the general direction of Bremerton. Probably his imagination. Though with his luck, not something to count on.

The girl stared at Nagato like she'd grown a second head, her eye twitching furiously for a moment before she bared her teeth and spat—nay, _howled—_ out a reply. "NO, YE GALLEON-HUMPING SEA KING-SUCKING LEAKY-HULLED CRACKED-KEEL SCURVY-RIDDEN _HAG!"_ the shipgirl raged, sounding for all the world like a genuine grog-and-flintlock buccaneer. "I DON'T WANNA BE ADOPTED! I'VE ALREADY GOT MESELF A FAMILY, AND WHEN THEY FIND ME, THEY ARE GOING TO SEND EACH AND EVERYONE OF YE MARINE ROWBOATS STRAIGHT TO DAVY JONES' LOCKER, FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY ' _BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES'! DO I MAKE MESELF—MMMPH!?"_

The girl was cut off by Nagato shoving her head between her massive… guns. "Isn't she simply adorable?" she crooned, rubbing the girl's' hair lovingly (if a bit obsessively). "I'm going to love her and pet her and feed her—!"

" _MMMMPH!"_ The shipgirl's struggles all but quintupled in Nagato's grip, taking on a _very_ vivid hint of desperation. Still, she was no match for the force of the battleship's motherly love. That, and her 91,000-horsepower grip.

"Nagato…" Ooyodo sighed as she observed the sadly familiar madness unfurling before her. "Before this debacle devolves into a very twisted rendition of 'Of Mice and Men', I have but one question for you: do you even know this girl's name?"

"Of course I do!" Nagato indignantly replied. "It's… uh, it's…" She shifted her grip on the girl slightly as she tried to tap her lip in thought. "Give me a second, oka—YARGH!"

Goto raised an eyebrow as the girl took advantage of a slight slip in Nagato's grip to chomp down on her thumb with all the tenacity of a fighting pit bull. The sight of the battleship flailing around, trying to shake the girl off and failing miserably, was quite comical, and it served a dual purpose: first, it proved pretty conclusively that the girl was a shipgirl, because only a shipgirl would have the capacity to bite _that_ hard and hang on for so long, and second, it irrefutably proved that Nagato was nowhere near ready to be anything resembling a parental figure. At least, not if the way she was repeatedly slamming the strange shipgirl's head against the wall in an effort to dislodge her was anything to go by.

Still, however fun this was to watch, they were in his office and he had a base to run.

"Nagato, you are not adopting this girl."

Both Nagato and the unknown froze, the battleship's boot firmly on the smaller girl's torso.

"I'm not?" Nagato whimpered, laying on a dose of puppy-dog eyes.

"Suc' it, bi—ACK!" the young girl started to crow before she was dislodged due to opening her jaw too much, bouncing off the wall as a result. "OW! Son of a—did they _not_ shatter the bottle at your launching or something?"

"No," Goto repeated firmly to Nagato, by now thoroughly immune to all forms of puppy-dog eyes and distracting antics. "And that's final. And now that that's settled, might I ask what your name is, young lady?"

The unknown girl eyed the Admiral and shipgirls for a moment, before standing up straight and shooting a defiant glare at Goto. "Going Merry, Helmsman of the Straw Hat Pirates, 25 million beris," she announced proudly.

Goto blinked in surprise at the all-too-familiar greeting, taking a moment to puzzle out what the rest of it meant. "I'm assuming that was your version of name, rank, and serial number, but that last part… berries?"

"Weeell…" Merry tilted her head to the side as she trailed off. "It's supposed to be 'Name, rank and bounty', seeing how we don't have numbers. Cross said to only say that if the Marines ever questioned us because it'd drive them nuts, but really, we tend to drive you bastards way crazier with what we say than anything else."

Goto glanced at Ooyodo, who had a look on her face that said she was reading as much context, missing or otherwise, from Merry's words as he was.

Finally, Goto crouched down on his knee and looked the girl in the eye, ignoring the defiant way she glared at him. "This Cross sounds like a very smart person. Is he one of the friends who would be coming to get you?"

Merry's facade cracked instantly as she lit up with pride and glee. "Yup! Cross has to be smart, 'cause he's the third mate and Captain's an idiot! He's also the tactician, and the Commie—" All three fleet-members stiffened in alarm. "—but he calls himself a communications officer—" Before relaxing in relief. "—and the public relations officer, and the guy who takes care of all the animals! Oh, oh, and he's also on the World Government's Top Twenty Most Wanted List because he starts wars around the world with his words!"

Goto's eye twitched furiously as he reconciled the words 'Top Twenty Most Wanted' with the idea of 'proximity to and loyalty of shipgirls' before returning to the task at hand. "That sounds… very impressive. Although, seeing how you came here on what I assume was your crew's ship—?"

"That was an accident! That fogbank came out of _nowhere!_ I was just taking Big Bro Sunny out for a run around the island we were docked at!" Merry pouted furiously. "We didn't leave the coastline, and the log pose in his helm still hadn't synced up yet! But the next thing I knew, I was getting attacked by these monster ships and _then_ I was attacked by that _Marine-lubber of a wench_ and—!"

"Yes, well!" Goto hastily cut her off before she could build herself into a lather. "The point is, your crew doesn't have a ship and the phenomenon that brought you here was unique, so how do you think they'll follow you here?"

Merry blinked as she considered what the Admiral said before smiling cheerfully. "They'll prolly' steal themselves a ship the second they realize I'm gone and follow me here. They'll find a way no matter what, come hell, high water or Marine fleet. They're…" Her expression took on a wistful overtone. "They're kind of awesome like that."

Ooyodo was forced to hide a smile as she observed the genuine adoration only a shipgirl could lavish on her crew, while Nagato shrunk in on herself as the display served to convince her that the precious child before her would never show her the same love in a million years.

"I'm glad to hear that," Goto nodded firmly. "Well, in the meantime, why don't you stay here while you wait for them?"

_That_ served to snap Merry's mood right around, prompting her to snarl viciously at the Admiral. "Me, willingly stay on a _Marine base!?_ You must have barnacles growing on your brain! If you think I'll ever willingly stay with you _rudder-less lapdogs, THEN YE'VE GOT ANOTHER THING—!"_

"Well, that's too bad," Ooyodo cut in hastily. "Mamiya, one of our better cooks, was _just_ putting the finishing touches on a batch of cookies."

Merry trailed off slowly as she narrowed her eyes at the light cruiser. "What kind?"

"Chocolate chocolate chip."

Merry held the expression for a second before brightening up with a sunny grin. "Well, lead the way!"

"Sure thing, could you just wait outside for a moment? The Admiral and I need to…" She glanced at Goto. "Discuss matters?"

Merry frowned for a moment before shrugging in agreement. "Eh, whatever. Cookies!"

The second the small shipgirl was outside, Admiral and light cruiser looked at each other in disbelief.

"I can confirm with certainty that there is no one with the name 'Cross' on _any_ Top Ten Most Wanted list in any country I am aware of, much less that of a 'World Government'," Ooyodo swiftly informed him.

"Is it possible that she could be from some form of… alternate reality? One whose history is different from our own?" Goto posited.

"Things _are_ mad enough around here that I wouldn't discount it as a possibility," Ooyodo sighed wearily. "Your orders, Admiral?"

Goto was silent for a moment as he considered things before shaking his head. "There's nothing we _can_ do. I'll call Briggs and Cunningham to see if they're missing any of their sail girls, but I won't hold my breath. For now, we wait and accommodate her the best we can. With any luck, her crew is as resourceful as she makes them sound, so they'll be able to find their way here. From there, we hand her off, and hopefully wipe our hands of this affair. We already have enough problems in our world, I don't want the Diet getting on my back for getting us embroiled with another."

Ooyodo nodded in understanding. "Glad to hear it." She slowly glanced to the side. "And, uh what about—?"

Goto followed her gaze and promptly stiffened in terror. Nagato was, well, not crying, not yet, but that was the issue: she was right on the _borderline_ of breaking into tears. If she crossed that line, she'd set herself on a course for the galley and wouldn't stop until every carton of ice cream on base was thoroughly emptied.

Goto was about to resign himself to dipping into what was known as the 'Yukikaze Trust Fund' to keep the destroyers from revolting when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!" he called out, breathing an internal sigh of relief as the white form of the Northern Ocean Princess—better known as Hoppo-chan—popped her head into the office.

Almost instantly, the battleship was snapped out of her funk as she hoisted the Abyssal into the air and bounced her over her head. "Oh, hello, Hoppo-chan!" she cooed eagerly. "What are you doing here? Are you hungry? Awww, poor thing! Come on, let's go and get you something to eat! Who's a good girl? You are, yes, you are!"

Hoppo shot a thumbs up over Nagato's shoulder at Goto as she was carried out of the office, a motion that the Admiral returned in relief.

Merry came back into the office a moment later with a dark look on her face. "I almost became _that?_ I swear, if I _ever_ end up in that kind of a situation, you're all waking up with your heads twisted on the wrong way."

"Duly noted," Goto nodded with a weary sigh. "Now, Ooyodo—"

He started to turn towards his secretary, only to freeze as he felt something start to tug at the back of his pants. Before he could react, there was the sound of shredding cloth, followed closely by the feel of a breeze around his legs. He whirled around to see Merry munching on his trousers, slurping up his pants leg with an innocent grin on her face.

"Nice heart boxers, Admiral," Ooyodo snickered, doing a bad job of hiding her grin behind her hand.

"Just… Just get her to Mamiya's, and then to one of the destroyer divisions."

**-o-**

"Come in," Goto announced a few hours later as he worked on some paperwork, waiting for a chance to call Briggs in Norfolk and Cunningham in Portsmouth.

The door opened, admitting a rather frazzled Tenryuu.

"Tenryuu," Goto said, sighing. "Let me guess, Merry?"

"This isn't going to work, Admiral," Tenryuu bit out.

Goto frowned. Tenryuu had a reputation for being able to handle _any_ destroyer. She had wrangled the Taffies, and so far only Shimakaze on a sugar high had defeated her. "That bad?"

"She decided to share a few sea shanties with my destroyers," the light cruiser spat.

"I dread the answer, but… shanties?"

Tenryuu's eye twitched viciously as she recalled the scene she'd walked in on.

~o~

" _Alright, everyone, all together now! Ooooh, there once was a Marine from Enies, whose head was shaped like a—!"_

~o~

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Goto cried out, warding off the song with his hands and doing his best to keep the light cruiser from unconsciously pulping the edge his desk with her hands. "Don't worry, I'll move her. Is the corruption permanent?"

Tenryuu took a moment to blow a calming breath out her nose before slowly shaking her head. "No, no, it isn't, thank _God_. Still, I sent 'em to Hosho, just to be sure."

"Alright," Goto said, quickly printing a sheet and filling it out. "Get Merry and this to Sendai. I'm fairly certain that Desdiv 11 can handle her."

"Thanks, Admiral, that's all I ask." With a lazy salute, Tenryuu sauntered out the door, clearly in a much better mood. Smiling, Goto turned back to his work, but not before making a note.

**1423\. Sail girls are not allowed to teach destroyers sea shanties.**

With any luck, Desdiv 11—or rather, Fubuki—would be _much_ better equipped to handle their visitor.

~o~

"Alright, ladies and rowboats, the name of the game is South Blue Hold 'em!" Merry grinned as she shuffled the deck eagerly. "Aces are high, the joker's wild, and gold doubloons are the preferred currency."

" _And_ the house gets half the pot when all's said and done!" Sendai piped up eagerly.

"I _still_ say that this is a gross breach of protocol…" Murakumo grouched as she shifted her hand around.

"Heh, you sound like Fubuki," Hatsuyuki chuckled softly as she slouched on a cushion.

"Yeah, dumb old Fubuki would _hate_ us having this much fun!" Sendai laughed in agreement.

"Um, that's not very nice…" Shirayuki softly admonished her ostensible superior.

"She _is_ right though," Hatsuyuki chuckled lazily.

SLAM! "AHA!" Fubuki roared as she kicked the closet door open, causing the shipgirls to jump.

"It was all their idea, I had nothing to do with this," Hatsuyuki drawled as she let the cards fall from limp fingers.

" _PRIVATEER!"_ Merry howled in betrayal.

"Now now, Fubuki, let's not all go crazy here…" Sendai said placatingly, motioning for the destroyer to calm down.

"I'm telling Admiral Goto about this!"

"GET HER!" Sendai roared as she jabbed a finger at her nominal subordinate.

"YEAH, GET HER!" Merry concurred as she swung her arm up to mirror the motion… and promptly froze in horror as a flurry of cards flew from her sleeve, cold sweat pouring down her in torrents as she felt the whole of Desdiv 11 glaring at her as one.

Well, Murakumo, Sendai, and Fubuki glared. Hatsuyuki didn't give a shit, and Shirayuki was too nice to glare.

"Ah, _damn it_. And Nami makes this seem so natural, too…" the caravel muttered to herself before grinning sheepishly. "Aheheh… ah… Is it too late to mulligan or—?"

"GET HER!" Sendai howled as she leapt at the small girl, a motion the two motivated destroyers mirrored.

~o~

Goto cocked an eyebrow as he looked at the overturned cardboard box before him. "And where did you get the idea for this, exactly?"

"Cross mentioned that it was a cliché from where he was from. It works surprisingly well!" Merry's voice glibly informed him.

"Uh-huh… And you thought starting a gambling ring was a good idea… why?"

"Always best to have some money on hand! Plus it's fun, of course."

"Of course."

"So, ah, do I just go back to them or…?"

"I'll call ahead to Jintsuu and tell her you'll be staying with Desdiv 16. They're that way."

The silence hung heavy in the air for a moment.

"Ah…?"

"To your left, sorry."

"Right!"

"No no, your other left!"

"Right again!"

Goto groaned as he slapped a hand to his face. The other Admirals couldn't call soon enough.

The second he returned to his desk, he swiftly made yet another note.

**1424\. No organized gambling rings are to be organized without inviting the Admiral.**

He paused as he felt Ooyodo and Kongo glare at the back of his head through the rest of the base before putting another line below.

**1424a. Correction: No gambling rings, period, organized or unorganized.**

~o~

"You need to do something about this devil child, _now!"_ Victorious snarled as she slammed a chain-wrapped Merry down on the Admiral's desk.

"Heya, Goat-y!" Merry snickered. "Long time no see! How's tricks?"

Goto stared at her for a moment before eyeing the British fleet assembled before him. "What did she do this time?"

"Absolutely nothing! I have been the _picture_ of innocence!"

"You've been a _horrid_ influence on every destroyer you've come in contact with!" King George V spat.

"Balderdash! Cockamamy! Lies and slander!"

"Now, girls," Goto said, holding his hands up placatingly. "I realize that there have been some issues with Merry, but surely—!"

"She convinced Desflot 24 to set up a bootleg rum distillery in their room!"

Goto froze at that before slowly staring flatly at Merry. "… _Really?"_

Merry pursed her lips for a moment before shrugging innocently. "In my defense, it took a _lot_ of convincing to get them to do it."

"They had it set up within an hour!" Argonaut shrieked.

"As I said, a _lot_ of convincing."

"I last saw you _two_ hours ago," Goto deadpanned.

Merry froze as she considered that before shrugging. "I… have no excuse. Though I _do_ wonder why they were so reluctant."

"That's because they're overcoming fucking _alcoholism,_ just like the rest of us!" Victorious spat. "And you just set them back by _months_!"

"Well I wouldn't have gone to them if Desdiv 16 had agreed to help me!" Merry raged. "But _nooooo,_ they _insisted_ that the damn thing spit out sake! Do I look like a green-haired swordsman to you!? Tsk, I bet they're _still_ making a mint off of my blueprints…"

Goto snapped his fingers, prompting Ooyodo to dash out of the room, before focusing back on Merry. "So far, you have managed to subvert, corrupt, and overall exploit well over a dozen of the shipgirls under my command. Tell me right now why I shouldn't throw you in the brig and be done with you."

Merry's eyes practically doubled in size as she stared tearfully at Goto. "Because I'm an adorable bundle of joy and innocence who can do no wrong."

"Desdiv 6 has that trick down to an artform. Pull the other one, it's got whistles and bells on it," Goto stated flatly.

Merry's expression flipped into a sadistic grin. "Because if my crew finds me behind bars, they will rip your base up by the fucking _foundation_ and kick your rudders six ways from Sunday in the process, and trust me, that's _not_ an exaggeration on my part."

Goto was silent for a moment before looking at Victorious. "Take her to Abukuma and Kinu. I've already written Desdiv 24 off as a lost cause anyways, one more won't hurt."

"Aye-aye, sir," Victorious saluted tiredly before picking up Merry. "Come on, you _menace."_

"That's _White Menace_ to you! And do you think we can swing by Desflot 24's room on the way? I stashed a bottle beneath my bed before you raided us and—MMPH!"

"Thank you," Goto sighed in relief as the troublemaker was finally gagged. He then wearily jotted down yet _another_ note, before remembering that they'd already written this one down.

**691\. The still in the repair ship's barracks has to go.**

He still didn't know _what_ he had been thinking, sending Junyou to dispose of it. Goto allowed himself a weary grin as he leaned back in his seat. Merry was living up to her apparent _nom de guerre_ , but he had an appointment with Cunningham and Briggs soon, so things would hopefully turn out for the best soon enough.

~o~

He wasn't smiling a half hour later as he talked to the other admirals.

"So, none of your sail girls are missing," he repeated flatly.

" _Nope, sorry,"_ Admiral Cunningham said over the conference video call.

"… Are you sure none of you _want_ a ship girl?"

" _Nice try, Goto, but Victorious already called us. Count yourself lucky I managed to stop Indefatigable and Implacable from leaving Portsmouth,"_ Admiral Cunningham stated neutrally.

"Damn it," Goto spat to himself, before blinking. "Wait, which—"

" _Both of them."_

" _Either way,"_ Briggs cut in. " _I do not envy you if you have to handle a sail girl, especially one who claims to be a pirate."_

Goto frowned. "Why? What does that have to do with anything?"

" _Simple: most sail girls are crazy. Well, crazier than their steel counterparts, at any rate. We think it has something to do with age. Turns out that World War II_ wasn't _the high point of insanity in the history of humanity,"_ Briggs answered. " _Anyways, the frigates are the craziest of them all, and all of them are_ warships _, not pirates. If she_ is _a pirate shipgirl as she claims?"_ The American admiral shuddered dramatically. " _Pray that her crew actually does manage to take her off your hands, and soon."_

" _Oh, one more thing,"_ Cunningham added. " _Fair warning, we've been doing exercises with Trincomalee, and she maneuvers_ very _differently from steam-powered girls. Southampton was having serious trouble targeting her. Chances are, due to how different their thought processes are, your more modern shipgirls will have a hard time getting a bead on her."_

Goto sighed. Well, that wasn't as bad as he'd feared.

It was worse.

"Well, thank you for your time, gentlemen," he replied. "Now, we're all busy men, so I won't hold you here any longer. Goodbye."

As the teleconference ended, Goto leaned back in his chair, and resolved not to think about the small sail girl until he had to.

~o~

Merry carefully modulated her breathing as she stared up into the ceiling of the room she'd been moved to, wide awake. The caravel felt a slight twinge of regret at what she was about to do; the girls of Desdiv 6 had been _so_ fun to try and corrupt, especially Inazuma, who was very clearly slamming face-first into puberty; Desdiv 11's members were alright when they weren't narking on her; and Desflot 24 were _really_ fun drunks. As for Desdiv 24, they were just crazy, but in a fun way. Hell, even her minders had been nice. Tenryuu reminded her of Nami, Sendai was hilarious, and Abukuma was just _so adorable!_ trying to be authoritative.

Still, this wasn't her world, and she needed to get back to the Sunny, back out to sea, back to her crew. And she had a plan for that too: sneak out, get to the Sunny, and take down everyone in her way.

Okay, not a great plan, but it was more than what her Captain had done on many occasions! Heck, it was better than half of Cross's plans, too.

Sitting up, she listened for any change. Nothing. She slid out of bed, still clad in her clothes, and froze as she heard a rustle of cloth.

"Pink elephants… on parade…" Kagero mumbled as she rolled over in bed.

Merry heaved a silent sigh of relief and slipped her coat's hood up. Standing in front of the door, she schooled her expression, opened the door—and nearly blurted out a blue streak when she saw Kinu, Abukuma's sister, standing in front of her.

"Oh, hey, Merry," the light cruiser said, mildly surprised and slightly groggy from waking up. "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Y-Yeah." Merry hastily slid into character, putting as much youthful wobble into her voice and eyes as she danced from foot to foot. "A-And I don't know where it is. Can you help me? I don't wanna go wee-wee in my panties…"

"Aww, there, there…" Kinu said sweetly as she tousled the caravel's hair. "Alright! Follow me, then."

Kinu turned around, and thus did not notice a bloodthirsty grin spread across Merry's face.

"Come on, it's just this—!"

KLONG!

"OW!" Kinu yelped, wheeling around and clutching the back of her skull in pain. "What was that for!?"

Merry blinked in confusion as she hefted the frying pan she was holding. "But Cross said that always—oh, no, wait, I see what I did wrong! Hold still a second!"

"What are you—!?" Merry interrupted Kinu by jumping up and _slamming_ the frying pan into her face, putting her out like a light.

Merry nodded satisfaction as she spun the frying pan in her grip. "Right! Front of the head for K.O., back for trauma. Alright, now what's next… Oh, right! Stash the body!"

Merry grabbed Kinu under her armpits, eased the door to Desdiv 24's room open, and left her slumped on the floor. Hopefully no one would notice her for a while.

She'd barely gone two steps when she heard Kasumi shriek in terror from the room.

"Okay, on to Cross's Plan B," she muttered as she broke into a sprint. "Run like hell!"

~o~

" _Alright, Admiral, we've got her now! Just give me a few minutes alone with her and—WARGH!"_

"Murakumo!" Goto shouted into the radio as an explosion rocked the base. "What happened?"

" _She's_ throwing _torpedoes at us!"_

"She doesn't have rigging! How—!"

" _No, I mean she found the armory and is_ literally _picking up torpedoes and throwing them at us! And they keep freaking_ exploding!"

Goto winced and once again cursed the bright spark who had come up with oxygen propulsion for the Long Lance. "Are you okay?"

" _Eurgh, yeah, but she blasted the corridor to hell and back. We're gonna need to go the long way around, and she's gonna get away. Again."_

"Fall back, Murakumo, Shigure," Goto ordered. "Nagato and Kongo are guarding her ship. She's not going anywhere."

~o~

Merry grit her teeth as she looked out on the shipgirls crowding the pier in front of her. A half dozen destroyers, a heavy cruiser with her seaplanes out, and battleships Nagato and Kongo.

Not that Merry knew that. All she knew was that there were six little ones, two big ones, a new medium type, and that all of them could reduce her to splinters in short order. Worse, she couldn't think of a way to get past them.

A finger tapped on her shoulder, and Merry whirled around, rearing her fist back to try and punch out whoever had snuck up on her. It worked on the little ones, at least.

As it turned out, though, it was just Hoppo-chan.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered furiously before stiffening in terror. "Don't tell me that gaol-galleon is here! Because I swear, I love my crew, but I will _scuttle_ myself before I surrender to her!"

Hoppo answered by frantically shaking her head before pointing upwards. Merry followed the finger to see a metal grating, leading into some kind of vent or duct.

"Oh, I see," Merry said, grinning. "A Cross classic. Don't know why I didn't think of it in the first place! Thanks, I owe you one."

The white girl gave a thumbs-up, and began walking in the opposite direction, leaving Merry to jump up, rip open the grate, and crawl into the vent.

~o~

"No sign of her!" Murakumo and Shigure reported as they ran up to the pier.

"My seaplanes aren't finding anything, either," Chikuma reported, before wincing miserably. "Correction: they just found _another_ Molotov cocktail trap. Damn it, how many of those bottles did she _stash!?"_

"Well, if she's trying to wear us down, she won't succeed!" Nagato announced. "I want CONSTANT VIGILANCE! AND MY CUDDLES!"

"You have ISSUES, Nagato. You have _very_ bad ISSUES…" Kongo muttered absentmindedly.

Nagato blinked, noticing that Kongo was staring at a section of the wall instead of her. "Kongo, what are you—"

"Shigure, Murakumo!" the fast battleship suddenly barked. "Go check the vents!"

Nagato paled as she realized that one of the vents opened up _behind_ their task force, barely a few feet from the ship. She paled further when she noticed that said vent had been kicked open.

"Then that means—!"

"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The shipgirls on the pier spun towards the Thousand Sunny, seeing Merry poke her head out from behind the lion's head.

"Sucks to be you lot!" she laughed. "I'm on my big brother now, and there's not a fucking thing you salt huffers can do about it!"

"Merry, please!" Nagato pleaded. "We have…" She glanced around the task force. "Enough firepower to level a small city! Don't make us use it!"

Merry grinned viciously as she reached for a _very_ comforting lever. "Oh, that's _really_ impressive. I'm _so_ scared. Here's my response!" She ducked back behind Sunny's head as she yanked the lever. An ominous clunk echoed out, followed by the lion's head opening and revealing a metallic barrel.

Nagato blinked in confusion. "What the heck—"

"Everybody move!" Kongo barked, diving downward.

" **Gaon Cannon, bitches!"** Merry cackled.

There was an almighty roar as a veritable hurricane of compressed air blasted out from the lion's head. The shipgirls on the pier were simply not heavy enough, regardless of how strong they were, to withstand the blast, and were sent flying. And the buildings fared even worse. As the Gaon Cannon finished roaring, Yokosuka's waterfront was in ruins.

"Later, suckers!" Merry cackled, throwing the rudder hard right and flipping a myriad of levers and toggles as she activated Chicken Voyage, wheeling Sunny around and dropping his sails. Soon she was out of the harbor and heading out into Tokyo Bay.

Of course, as this was Tokyo Bay, waiting for her at the mouth was a _very_ unwelcome sight.

"Please turn back, Miss Merry!" Yamato called, her rigging fully deployed. "We don't want to hurt you!"

"Speak for yourself," came a voice from the starboard side of the ship. Merry's head whirled to that side to see a swimsuit-clad girl poking her head out of the water and aiming a rather large gun at the Sunny.

"That's mean, Imuya!" Goya spoke up from the other side.

Merry looked between the two submarines flanking her and the battleship before her, then put on a brave face and looked back at Yamato, her hand inching towards the Coup de Burst lever all the while. "Oh, yeah? I faced down a fleet of warships ten times your size to save my crew, and I came out of that without a scratch! Give me _one_ reason why this should be any different!"

Yamato sighed, and then there was an almighty bang. Merry's eyes widened as a massive cloud of smoke and fire enveloped the battleship, and she just barely saw the massive shell fly just past the bow before hitting the sea and throwing up a column of water taller than the Sunny's masts.

The caravel trembled furiously for a second as she thought _very_ carefully before ultimately sighing in defeat and letting go of Sunny's controls, wincing as the ship groaned miserably.

"That's a good reason…" she whimpered.

~o~

"I gotta say," Tenryuu drawled as she steamed alongside the Thousand Sunny, which was being towed by Yamato. "I honestly don't know whether to cheer you on for being a complete badass, or give you spanking for being a bad girl."

A muffled mumble about Tenryuu blowing something out of her magazine was Merry's only response, and Tenryuu sighed and pulled a little closer.

"Look, kid," she began. "You've just pulled off a massive accomplishment. How many shipgirls can say they fought their way, single-handedly, out of an entire naval base? Be proud of that, at least." She tapped her chin in thought. "Come to think of it, why didn't you just sail out yourself? I heard that you sank after Nagato dropped you in the water, so why's that? Why'd you have to ride your…" She glanced at Sunny's figurehead. "'Big bro'?"

Silence.

"Well, either way, we're here," Tenryuu sighed as the Thousand Sunny nosed back up to the pier, a scorched and battered Kongo and Nagato waiting and looking quite peeved. As the pier workers began wrestling with the ropes, Merry hopped down from the deck and stomped past Tenryuu, snarling and growling viciously under her breath.

"Alright, then," the light cruiser said, slapping the other girl's back. "I can see you don't wanna talk about… this…" Frowning, Tenryuu suddenly knelt down and pulled up Merry's coat and the shirt underneath.

"Hey, watch it! I thought that Nagato bitch was the pedophile, not you! Help, bad touch! Bad touch!" the shipgirl snapped in the first real display of emotion since Tenryuu had arrived, drawing Nagato and Kongo's attention in the process. "What in the name of Davy Jones do you think you're—!"

"What happened here?" Tenryuu hissed, her voice dripping with barely restrained fury. Behind her, she could hear Yamato gasp and Kongo suck in a breath.

Merry instantly froze as she felt the cruiser's fingers run across her back, tracing over the livid scar that ran just below her shoulder blades. The expanse of mutilated flesh was jagged, deep, and stretched clear across her entire back.

Scars were not common for shipgirls. Arizona and Warspite were the only ones Tenryuu could recall off the top of her head that had any, and the wounds that left them had not only been fatal and crippling, respectively, but beyond traumatic to boot. This… This was nearly on par.

"O-Oh, that?" Merry hedged nervously. "I-It's, ah, just an old wound, nothing to worry abou—"

"Bullshit," Tenryuu spat, her vision flashing red as she scanned the bands of metal around the girl's neck and ankles. "What- What happened to you? An accident, enemy action!? Or…" She narrowed her eyes viciously as a thought struck her. "Your _cr—?"_

" _HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"_

The warships leapt in shock when Merry spun around and _roared_ at them, exhibiting more raw fury then most of them had seen in their whole existences.

By which we mean, since the last time someone had interrupted Kongo's tea hour.

" _WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF SAYING ANYTHING,_ ANYTHING _ABOUT MY CREW!? ABOUT MY_ FAMILY!?" Merry demanded, glaring viciously at Tenryuu. " _YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY JACK_ SHIT _ABOUT THEM! YOU WANT SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR THAT SCAR!? THEN YOU CAN FUCKING BLAME_ ME!"

"W-What!?" Nagato sputtered in shock. "No, no, Merry! That's not—!"

"YES, IT IS!" Merry shrieked. "I KNEW IT WAS COMING, I COULD FEEL IT COMING IN MY PLANKS AND I LIED TO MY CREW WHEN THEY ASKED IF I WAS OKAY!"

Kongou blinked in confusion. "Huh? Wait, lied? What are you—?"

"I used a _Klabautermann_ to try and fix myself!" the caravel hissed.

The warships gasped in shock. "A-A Klabautermann!?" Tenryuu choked. "Merry, that's an _incredibly_ risky—!"

"My keel _fucking_ _cracked_ that day, I was _so_ far beyond risk!" Merry plowed onwards. "It cracked, and Cross tried to help me, and I lied to his _face_ when he asked me if I was alright! I _lied_ to him after he _helped me!_ I was ready to give up and _sink_ for their sakes, but he convinced me to keep fighting, to _live!_ If it weren't for him, I would have let myself sink _then and there!"_

Tenryuu swallowed heavily as she tried to steady her nerve. "Ah—M-Merry, I—!"

"I had no right to live!" Merry shouted, advancing on Tenryuu in a haze of fury. "I had every reason to sink myself, I _should_ have sunk for their sakes, but he told me otherwise! He told me it wasn't wrong to dream of staying with them, he told me it was alright for me to _live!_ Thanks to him, thanks to all of their support, I carried them for _two. Months!_ And even after they found out I wasn't fixable, after it was apparent that I was little more than a floating pile of kindling, _they_ _still fought to keep me with them!"_

Tenryuu hastily backpedalled as a blazing red aura grew up behind Merry, the caravel still advancing. "SO DON'T YA FUCKIN' _DARE_ IMPLY THAT ME CREW DID THIS TA ME! THOSE BRAVE BASTARDS, THOSE _GODSENDS, THEY FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO KEEP ME! THEY BROKE_ REALITY ITSELF _TO MAKE ME WHO I AM! SO WHEN YOU SPEAK ILL O' THAT SCAR, YOU SPEAK ILL A' ME, BECAUSE IT'S A MARK OF ME OWN STUBBORN PRIDE, AND IT IS A BADGE OF MY_ FUCKING _HONOR AS NOT ONLY A PIRATE BUT A STRAW HAT PIRATE TO BOOT!_ _ **DO I MAKE MESELF—!?"**_

" _A—damn it—Attention, Marine base!"_

All five shipgirls jumped as they were suddenly interrupted. Whirling around, four of the five blinked in confusion as they were confronted with the bizarre sight of what appeared to be a three-masted broadside sloop-of-war. The hull was painted a deep blue-grey and what looked like a seagull was painted on the sails alongside the word MARINE. And more importantly, the ship looked like it was in incredibly rough condition, barely qualifying as seaworthy.

" _Ah-hem,"_ the voice from before boomed through the air _. "I repeat, attention Marine Base! This is, ah… Commodore Gendarme of the Marines? We have received reports that 'White Menace' Going Merry and the Straw Hats' ship were in port, so thanks for holding them for us, but we'll take them from here."_

Faster than Shimakaze on a sugar high, Merry's expression shifted from pissed off to confused to jubilant and then back to angry, if a slightly over-exaggerated version of the emotion. "You'll never take me alive, you kelp slurping turtle fucking sons of sea wenches!"

"What in the hell…?" Nagato breathed. "Who are—?"

" _They're never gonna buy this…"_ a female voice grumbled.

" _Shut up! I'm still transmitting!"_

" _Oops…"_

" _ **HAHAHAHA!"**_

Merry's eye twitched as she tried to maintain a neutral expression, snapping a glare at Kongo as the latter stepped forward. "I don't know who you are!" she called up. "But you shouldn't have picked the US Marines of all people to impersonate." She smirked. "Because really, I don't know what that thing is, but it doesn't look like an amphibious assault ship to me."

" _Ah, w-w-well you see!"_ a panicked nasally voice hastily piped up. " _T-That's because this is a super secret model of ship known as the—!"_

" _Give it up, Usopp, our cover's already blown. Hell if I know how, but these aren't_ our _Marines we're dealing with. There's only one thing for it now. ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, PLAN B!"_

"WOOHOO, I LOVE PLAN B!"

Kongo frowned in confusion as a trio of blurs shot off the ship. "What the—!?"

"Gum-Gum Rifle!"

"Strong Right!"

"Cherry Blossom Blast!"

Kongo stood tall for a second before slowly tilting backward, impact and blast marks decorating her front. Her assailants lowered themselves down from their attack stances, and were then joined by several more, hopping down from the ship.

There was a large man in a Hawaiian shirt, speedo, and sunglasses, looking like nothing more than an unholy fusion of Popeye and Ace Ventura.

There was a dark-haired woman in designer clothes, utterly normal and yet quietly terrifying.

There was a man-deer with a blue nose, red hat, and bulked-up arms.

There was a teenager in a button-down shirt and shorts, with blue hair in a tight ponytail riding on a large, saddled duck. One hand spun a chain with a crescent-shaped blade on the end of it while the other held an identical blade and chain.

There was an older woman, her hair done up in a bun with small _wings_ sticking out of her back. A large bazooka was held in her right hand, and another slung across her back. A white fox was perched on her shoulder as well.

There was a curly haired young man, wearing overalls, a bandana, and goggles, and he had the most ridiculously long nose. He also held a _massive_ slingshot-staff combo in his hands.

There was an orange-haired young woman in a tank top and miniskirt, brandishing a staff with spherical attachments along its length. She was surrounded by what appeared to be a white cloud streaming from the butt of her staff that was waving and twisting around her as though it had a mind of its own.

There was what appeared to be a relatively normal young man in a hooded jacket and jeans, the hood drawn up over a ball cap and headphones around his neck, except in his right hand was a large sword, in his left an equally large bazooka, and perched on his shoulder was a snail with a freaking _phone_ built into its shell.

There was a blonde man in a black suit, a cigarette dangling carelessly from his mouth.

There was a green-haired man in t-shirt, pants, and hakama, two katanas hanging from his side.

Surrounding them was a quintet of what for all the world looked like small shelled dugongs, one with a pair of nunchucks, one with a pair of katana, one with a pair of sai, one with a bo staff, and one with a rope-dart.

And at the lead of them all was a black-haired young man in a straw hat, red vest, and jean shorts, who practically _radiated_ power and charisma.

Of course, this was Tenryuu, Nagato, and Yamato. They weren't going to just back down. Nagato pointed her 16" guns at the interlopers—

" _VENGEANCE!"_

Only for Merry to leap at her and latch onto her face like a facehugger, tearing at her face with all the viciousness of a rabid wolverine.

Which left Tenryuu and Yamato to face the entire Straw Hat Pirates.

"SOUND THE ALARM, INTRUDERS IN THE BASE!"

"GET THEM!"

"CHARGE!"

Well, them and the combined forces of Desdivs 29 and 30, for what they were worth.

The Straw Hats observed the approaching mob for a moment before the one with the snail looked at the orange-haired one. "You want to, or should I?"

The orange-haired woman tilted her head to the side in thought, the cloud following the motion before she shrugged and started twirling her staff, apparently causing the cloud to darken and crackle menacingly. "Just keep them in place for a second, alright?"

The snail-carrier nodded in understanding before hauling back the arm holding his sword. "You heard her, Funkfreed. Go…" He then snapped his arm forwards and _flung_ the sword at the oncoming mob of destroyers. "GET THEM!"

To the shock of all observing, the sword morphed in midair, shifting into an _elephant_ of all things that stampeded towards the destroyers, breaking their loose formation with a swing of its tusks and trunk.

Before the destroyers could successfully rally, the orange-haired woman swung her staff out, snapping the dark cloud out into a scorpion tail-esque form that was crackling with lightning. "Sorry about this, but we're not leaving without Merry! Now, _LIGHTNING STRIKE TEMPO!"_ And with that, the cloud snapped forwards, lashing out a vicious chain of lightning that washed over the mob of destroyers _just_ as the elephant snapped back into its sword form.

The orange-haired woman sniffed confidently. "And that's that! Boss, Usopp, you keep an eye out for any others!"

"Aye aye, ma'am!"

"I still say we grab Merry and run like heck. Then again, who am I to argue with someone who periodically fries people with lightning?"

" _What was that!?"_

"N-Nothing, Nami!"

"Move your ass, longnose, move!"

"Oh, no, you don't!" Yamato snarled as she swung a 6.1" turret around at the sniper and dugong. She mentally pulled the trigger—

BA- _BLAM!_

And jerked in shock as half her rigging practically _imploded_ on account of— _a plugged barrel!?_

"Call me an old softie," the large blue-haired gorilla man grinned as he held her turret barrel in place with his massive hand. "But I'd _really_ rather you didn't blow my friends to pieces. It's _SUPER_ rude, don't you know?"

"Which is why I'm _really_ sorry about this!"

Yamato swung her head around at the voice, and promptly paled in horror at the sight of the _massive_ cannon-barrel being stuck in her face by the angel-winged woman. "Again, _really_ sorry," she sighed apologetically, a sentiment opposed by her pulling the trigger and unleashing a wave of _pain_ straight in her face. The battleship staggered back, but to the surprise of both quickly righted herself with only some minor burns and unleashed a tide of 25mm shells at them.

"YEOW!" the large man yelped as he shielded the cannon-wielder with his body. "What the hell is this chick made of!?"

"Hopefully this! Excuse me!"

Yamato swung her turrets around as a large finger tapped her on the shoulder—

CRUNCH!

And stiffened in shock as another gorilla-man, this one actually covered in fur and sporting a _blue nose_ of all things, shoved a liquid-filled vial down her throat.

The battleship stood still for a moment as the liquid unwillingly trickled down her throat, slowly integrating itself with her body's chemistry. Finally, however…

" _HURK!"_ Yamato doubled over miserably as a wave of nausea coursed through her. Acting fast, the shipgirl dashed to the side of the pier and unloaded her stomach's contents into the harbor, heaving as heavily as she could until there was nothing left.

"Oh, you— _ugh!—_ sons of bitches…" she groaned, equal parts rage and sickness coloring her voice. "I swear to _God,_ I am going to—!"

She cut herself off as she felt something heavy and slightly slimy plop down on top of her head. Turning her eyes upwards, she blinked in confusion as she took in the grinning _something_ perched on her skull. "The hell—?"

"Soundbite? Gastro-Blast."

"RA-RA- _SHISHBOOM-_ **BAH!"**

Yamato had a second to wonder how the hell the snail was talking before her world became pure _agony._ Everything rang and shook for the battleship, her eyes crossing and her body shaking before she gave up the fight and fell unconscious.

The snail-wielder smirked confidently as he plopped the afore-named Soundbite down on his shoulder. "Well, that was ea…sy?" He trailed off as he noted Imuya and Goya staring at him in horror from the water.

The pirate was silent for a moment before he and his snail slowly donned vicious grins. " _Heeeeeey,"_ the two chorused menacingly.

The submarines instantly dove under the water with dual shrieks of terror. They remembered what had happened to Kitakami and Iku, after all.

"Ohoh, you can run, but you sure as hell can't hide!" the pirate crowed as he swung up the cannon he was bearing. "OK, Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!" The second the pirate spoke, the cannon started blasting out a barrage of baseballs, littering the water with them.

Ten seconds later, Yokosuka Harbor _erupted_ into a pillar of liquid. Amidst the resultant rain, the two submarines slammed into the pier, flopping and flailing around in a blind panic for a second before finally falling still, foam bubbling out of their mouths.

" **NOW** _ **that**_ WAS EASY!" Soundbite cackled.

Finally, all that were left were Tenryuu and the swordsman squaring off against one another. The light cruiser and the pirate stared at each other, probing each other's defenses as they gripped their sheathed swords. Finally…

"Oni—!" the swordsman started, dashing forwards and curving his arms back as he unsheathed his blades, signalling Tenryuu what was coming. She dashed forward, her sword held out in a thrust straight for the swordsman's forehead, which halted the attack as he hit the brakes to avoid getting skewered. The two broke off into ready stances, reading each other with professional ease.

"Hey," the swordsman grunted. "What's your name?"

"Tenryuu," the light cruiser bit out.

"I'll remember it," the swordsman replied. "My name is Roronoa Zoro." And with that, he sheathed his swords and leaned forward.

"Two-Sword Style!"

Tenryuu tensed, preparing to meet the attack.

"Castle Gate!" Zoro cried out, dashing forward. Tenryuu's eyes widened and she brought up her sword to block. To her dismay, the attack cut _through_ her sword like it was made of butter instead of armor-grade steel, in two places at once, at that. Naturally, the swords continued and carved into her chest, carving two gaping wounds into her body. She fell forward onto her knees, blood—or perhaps oil—streaming from the massive gashes. She felt, rather than saw, Zoro step up behind her, and she hauled herself to her feet, gritting her teeth and presenting her front.

Zoro blinked, then grinned. "A worthy opponent, indeed." And with that, he drove his sword into her gut. That was the final straw, and Tenryuu collapsed, catching sight of Nagato keeling over under Merry's facehugger impression before dogpiled by the rest of the crew.

' _Heh,'_ she thought. ' _At least I'm not the only one. And at least… she's in good hands.'_

~o~

"Guys, you came! I've never been so happy to see you!" Merry sobbed comically, throwing herself into Cross's open arms.

"Good to see you again, Merry!" he replied as he caught her and threw her up into the air. "We're so glad you're safe, we were so worried! Did you behave while we were gone?"

"Uh-huh, uh-huh!" Merry nodded eagerly. "I raised hell, tried to escape at every opportunity, and when I was given the chance, I went straight for the eyes!"

Cross gasped in awe as he caught her and held her above his head. "That's _very_ good, Merry! I-I'm so proud!"

"Yes, yes, so am I!" Vivi wheezed as she fought against Nagato's inhuman strength, yanking her Lion Cutter taut against the battleship's throat, to no effect. "Now, will one of you guys _help me already!?_ She won't give up!"

"Me…rry…" Nagato wheezed out as she reached towards the caravel.

"What da hell is dis woman's malfunction!?" Carue squawked as he tried and failed to use his mass to pin the shipgirl down.

Merry rolled her eyes with an exasperated huff before twisting her way out of Cross's grip. "Alright, alright, I can handle her. Give her a clear view of me."

Once Merry was certain the battleship was looking straight at her, she widened her eyes to their fullest extent and made them as watery as possible before sticking out her lip and quivering it, hence placing her expression at maximum cuteness. "I _wuv_ you, Mama Nagatoh!"

Nagato stared at Merry in awe for one second… two… three…

SPLURT!

"GAH!"

"Oh, holy shit."

Before keeling over on account of _massive_ jets of blood spurting out of her nose, a euphoric grin painted on her face.

"I… have no words," Cross stated succinctly.

"Should we still let her _live?"_ Nami asked uncomfortably.

"Nah, she's harmless," Merry said dismissively, waving her off without care. "I think that was more the cuteness factor than anything nefarious. Think of her like a female Sanji."

"Ooooohhhh…" the Straw Hats chorused in understanding, before Sanji did a double-take.

"Hey, I'm not _that_ bad!" the cook protested.

"Not yet, you aren't," Cross shot back with a grim chuckle.

Grinning, Merry turned around and looked over Kongo, with her cratered front; Yamato, scorched and bleeding from her ears; Nagato, twitching in a pool of her own blood, an expression of bliss on her face; and Tenryuu, bleeding out on the ground. Not to mention the pile of fried destroyer and the insensate forms of Goya and Imuya.

"Geez, you guys could have gone a little easier on them…" she grumbled. "They were nice to me… for the most part, as much as Marines _can_ be nice. Except for Nagato, she was cray-cray, and not in a fun way, either."

"Sorry about that, Merry," Cross said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "We didn't know the situation, so we decided not to hold back."

" **And you're WORKING OUT** _frustrations, too,"_ Soundbite added with a snicker.

"We were chased down by a killer _pigeon!_ My bounty is well and good, but I still want _some_ pride, damn it!" Cross raged furiously.

"It's fine, they're tough. And they've got all sorts of cool healing techniques for people like me," Merry said as she clambered onto Franky's shoulders. "Did you know they heal by sitting in hot baths? No offense, Franky, but a _lot_ of old aches left me after one go!"

"That's super, sis!" Franky whooped as he shot her a thumbs-up.

"Oh, really?" Chopper asked, eyeing her curiously. " _You'll have to tell me all about it. Medical texts don't exactly cover cases like yours,_ _ **but with this knowledge I could create an entire new branch of medicine! Think of the possibilities! THE THRILL OF THE SEARCH! LET US BEGIN THE—!"**_

CLONK!

"Thank you, Conis. Also, _ow!"_

"Sorry, Chopper!"

Merry giggled as her crew fell back into old habits. However, an oppressive, droning buzz caught her attention, and she glanced around, looking for the source.

"Soundbite?" she began, injecting a note of authority into her voice. "Did you leave the Gastro-Phony on again?"

" **This isn't** _ **me!**_ " the snail protested.

"Uh, guys?" Usopp cut in, shaking and staring towards the distant western horizon. "What the hell is that?!"

The crew turned their gazes to where Usopp was pointing. A massive, amorphous black cloud was advancing towards them at alarming speed.

"… Okay, got me, I never saw anything like _this_ while I was here," Merry said, a hint of worry in her voice.

Cross held his hand out to Nami, who handed him her spyglass. He snapped it open and took one look at the horizon before slowly lowering the device with a pained grimace. "Hey, guys? I think I know where we are."

"Oh, yeah? Where?" Luffy asked eagerly.

Cross allowed a horrified shudder to course through him. "Home. _My_ home. Now, unless I'm misreading those roundels and those _aren't_ Japanese fighter planes soaring towards us, I'd suggest we get the hell out of Dodge before we recreate a little historical event known as _PEARL FREAKING HARBOR!"_

" **KAMIKAZE AT 12 O' CLOCK!"** Soundbite shrieked as he snapped back into his shell.

Nami and Zoro glanced at each other before the second mate came to a decision. "Right, I don't know what the significance of Pearl Harbor is, but I'm gonna take your panicked reaction at face value and say that it's bad." She glanced around at the stunned forms of the crew. " _That means get on the ship and get ready to leave, you morons!"_

"Yes, ma'am!" most of the crew barked, except for Luffy and Sanji.

"Aw, come on, Nami, Cross!" Luffy whined. "I wanna fight them! I've never fought flying enemies before! And those CP bastards don't count, so don't even say it!"

"And I can't leave before I found out if there are any more ladies here!" Sanji added. "If they're half as pretty as the ones you guys _mauled beyond recognition_ , then—!"

"Right, screw this," Cross spat as he snapped his headphones on and jabbed a finger at Luffy. "Soundbite, Gastro-Phony."

"Lightning Strike Tempo!" Nami snarled as she lashed out with her Clima-Tact.

Both Sanji and Luffy promptly collapsed, Luffy green from trying to hold in his half-digested third lunch and Sanji twitching and spasming as smoke curled off him. With Zoro carrying them, the Straw Hats got the Thousand Sunny under way in record time.

As they made their way out of Tokyo Bay and past the insensate forms of the picket submarines, stealing fearful glances back at the swarm of Vals, Kates, and Zeroes all the while, Merry couldn't help herself. She started giggling again, bursting into full-on laughter as they got to open ocean. She was still laughing an hour later when an Abyssal Re-class battleship popped out of the water in front of the Sunny.

"AH! MONSTER!" Usopp screeched.

"A pretty monster!" Sanji swooned.

"So, Merry, is this a hostile monster, or…?" Cross trailed off as the battleship pointed her tail and the guns mounted within at the Sunny. "Welp, that answers that."

The Re-class battleship was afforded only a moment of confusion as the humans _didn't_ try to run before the crew, sans Sanji, hauled themselves up onto the Sunny's railing, weapons and fists at ready and predatory gleams in their eyes.

The Abyssal and her tail had just enough time to shoot terrified glances at each other before a rubber fist grabbed the shipgirl's throat and yanked them aboard.

**-o-**

"Alright, what's the damage?" Goto groaned.

"We have three battleships, one heavy cruiser, two light cruisers, seven submarines, and sixteen destroyers out of commission for at least a week," Ooyodo reported. "We have another seventeen shipgirls with lesser damage who should be good to go tomorrow. As for the base…" The secretary ship flipped to another sheet of paper. "The portside warehouse district has been levelled, the cafeteria is out of commission and will be for at least three days, and the destroyer dorms will need to be rebuilt." She sighed. "Again."

"Okay…" Goto sighed. "I assume everyone's been told _not_ to bring in strange shipgirls flying Jolly Rogers?"

"Yes."

"And the Abyssal at my window?"

Ooyodo glanced at the disheveled Re-class battleship clinging to the glass like a lamprey, tears streaming down from the puppy-dog eyes shining into the office and her tail holding up a sign that read " _Will fight for food and a good home."_

"I took the liberty of contacting Re-chan down in the Marquesas," Ooyodo replied. "She'll take her in."

Goto smirked viciously as he turned around to face his desk. "Good. The Americans will be happy about needing one less battleship on the Australian Route."

THUMP!

Ooyodo took a look behind him before grimacing miserably. "Ah… I'm afraid it won't be that easy, sir."

Goto ground out a weary sigh before slowly wheeling back around.

Plastered on the glass next to the Re-class was Hoppo-chan, who _also_ had tears streaming down her cheeks and was holding up a sign of her own, which read " _Will do anything for big sister."_

THUMP!

And just like that Nagato was there as well, joining the two in their tear-filled pleading. Though the bandages wrapped around her body kinda ruined the image a bit.

Goto's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly turned back to his desk. "Is there… anything else?"

FLASH!

It was a testament to the base's state of affairs that Goto barely even reacted to a piece of paper suddenly appearing on his desk from out of nowhere.

_Wait until she comes back for a playdate when she's all grown up! —B.R.O.B._

Goto's eye twitched insanely for a moment as he slowly turned to look at Ooyodo with a crazed look before falling down on one knee before her and proffering a golden ring. "Will you marry me?"

The cruiser gave the Admiral a flat stare. "Sir, if you're going to commit suicide, I kindly request you _not_ make it a double."

Goto opened his mouth to speak, but never got the words out as he was suddenly yanked upwards. A stunned Ooyodo traced his trajectory up to the vent in the ceiling, just in time to see Kongo poke her head out.

"Take the rest of the day off, Ooyodo!" she ordered, grinning. "I'll take care of Admiral Goto, don't worry." And with that, she ducked back into the vent and swung the grating back into place.

For a solid five minutes, the secretary ship just stood there in open-mouthed amazement. "The vent's vertical, how did she—" she began before shaking her head. "Ah, fuck it, it's Kongo. I'm gonna go see if Junyo's up to hitting the nearest bar. You all want in?"

Nagato and her… 'family' nodded in agreement.

"Alright, come on, let's go."

And so the light cruiser, the battleship and the Abyssals all wandered off to find a carrier and get hammered.

Just another average day in Yokosuka.

**Patient AN: The note at the top, specifying that Superego had been waiting a while to release this? Let me make it clear just how true that is: Xomniac and Hornet had this omake completed, every word written… at the time that they invited me backstage.** _**January,** _ **loyal fans. They have been sitting on this since** _**January.** _ **And, in the same breath, they have had everything up to this point in the story portrayed in this chapter planned for that long.**

_**That**_ **is the might of the Cross-Brain. And I am honored and humbled to be associated on an equal level with these two genii.**


	6. Chapter 6

### Chapter 50: Chapter 45: A Sight Unforseen! An Unexpected Adventure Heats Up!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Before we begin, a brief announcement. This chapter and the next one, possibly two, are noticeably shorter than our standard length. They are filler, based off of an anime filler, but with an original plot conceived by Xomniac back at the start of the story. The characters in this may or may not be returning later down the line, depending on what Oda does.**

**We will resume our typical monstrous chapters when we reach Thriller Bark, and we sincerely hope you enjoy the filler in the meantime.**

**Xomniac AN: Look at it this way: over 9000 (HA!) is still over twice as much as most SB and V authors post in a single chapter, so we're still the cream of the crop : 3**

**Patient AN: Pride in your work is good. But do take care that you don't get an overly inflated ego, Ego.**

**Xomniac AN: Har har.**

**Hornet AN: And it saves time on editing. Woot!**

"Sooo…" Nami drawled with a flatly cocked eyebrow as she watched me ram my head into the wall. "I take it that we _don't_ want to know what that's all about?"

"You have to ask?" Zoro scoffed, glancing over his shoulder at his fellow strung-up crewmate.

Nami glanced back at him with a calm and serene smile. "Allow me to respond to that in a completely rational manner."

_THWACK!_

"GAH!" Zoro yelped. "How the hell is stabbing your elbow into my side a 'rational' response!?"

"Well, it was rational to _me_ , and in the end, isn't it all just a matter of perspective?"

"MM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM _-HMMMM!"_ For whatever reason, Soundbite decided to cackle uproariously at that. Before I could properly rip into the snail, though…

"HEADS UP!"

_CLUNK!_

"GAH!"

I snapped my hands to my pounding skull as something hard and heavy landed on it. "The hell—?" I looked up to see a pair of hooks at the ends of ropes swinging in the air, and a glance upward revealed that they were being held by a pair of Accino mooks, who themselves were flanked by the Accino's twin elder sons.

"Nefertari Vivi!" the red one… Brindo, I'm pretty sure, called down. "As your crew's diplomat, our father Don Accino has requested an audience with you. And considering Jeremiah Cross's savviness, he has deemed it acceptable that he attend the meeting as well."

"If you need any further incentive, then your partners may accompany you," the blue one, Campacino, offered as he dangled a key in our vision. "But just remember that any resistance will be met with immediate force."

I exchanged glances with Vivi and the rest of the crew, and then I looked back up at them. "Before we agree either way, what's this about? You already have our flag and our bounties, isn't that enough of a birthday gift for your damn patriarch?"

The twins exchanged surprised looks, before causing my heart to sink as they burst into twin bellows of laughter.

"Huhahahaha! Apparently Mister Cross is not quite as informed as he makes himself out to be, dear brother!" Campacino guffawed.

"Bohohoh! Indeed, brother beloved, indeed!" Brindo laughed right back. "For if he were, then he would know that our dear Papa's birthday was a good month ago, and that we gifted him a full fleet's worth of flags for it!"

I choked in horror as I processed that little tidbit. "Ahhh… well, that's my playbook out the window."

"So, Cross doesn't know what's coming?" Luffy slowly tilted his head up with a grin. "Great, now this is gonna be a _real_ adventure! Shishishi—!"

"Can we get another collar on him?" Sanji called up.

"Certainly! _Hockera!"_

"On it!"

"Shishi—eh?"

_CLUNK!_

"HURK!" Luffy gagged as he got a double helping of sea prism stone. "Gugh… now I _really_ think I'm gonna hurl…"

"Thank you!" the cook shouted up.

"Hok Ke Ke Ke Ke! No problem, pirate scum!"

I forced my composure back together as I looked up at them, ignoring the way Vivi's hands were twitching up towards her collar—or more specifically, her necklace. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up, you bifurcated bastards. Either way, my question still stands: what does he—!" I glanced at Vivi again. "What does the _hot-air bastard_ want with us?"

Vivi visibly tensed, the bounty hunters doing the same. While they were quick to school their expressions, Vivi's expression grew even more tense with thought.

"First of all, a bit of friendly advice: if you value your life, don't insult Papa," Brindo bit out. "If you already know his Devil Fruit, you know it doesn't do anything to help his temperament."

"And second, if you must know, you're being summoned for an unprecedented reason, which Papa has never allowed before," Campacino sniffed. "To negotiate for your freedom. The collateral? Your crew's reputation for defying all odds, which Papa desires to employ."

Vivi and I exchanged uncertain looks, but after looking at Luffy and getting a nod of approval (that or his head was just lolling from nausea, either or) I shrugged helplessly and walked over to grab one of the lines. "Might as well, I guess. Better to possibly fry up there than freeze down here."

"Agreed!" Vivi concurred as she joined me, with Carue clambering on himself.

"Hey, what about the rest of us who are _still_ freezing down here!?" Franky demanded, straining against his bonds.

Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning at the mostly metal-man. "My advice?" I offered. "Next time, consider investing in some thermal underwear!"

"CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!" Franky roared as leapt at me to bite, chains and all.

"ONE AND A QUARTER, GOING UP!" I shouted, tugging at the rope and getting yanked up and out of the cyborg's reach.

Vivi regarded me dryly as we were hauled up alongside one another. "You have _such_ a way with words, Cross."

"I know, right?" I thumbed my jacket out with pride. "It's my pride and— _GRK!"_ I was cut off by Vivi grabbing my collar and yanking me right up to her snarling face.

" **You listen to me and you listen good, you adrenaline-huffing loud-mouthed moron,"** the suddenly ticked off princess bit out. "Once we meet with this Don Accino, I am going to be doing _all_ of the talking. _You,_ on the other hand, will not open your mouth without my explicit say-so, which I will be delivering _ever_ so subtly in the form of my elbow in your side. If you fail to follow these orders explicitly until I tell you otherwise, _I will rip your tongue out and feed it to you._ Am I clear?"

I cowered for a second, but I then managed to level a glare at her. "I readily admit that I am an adrenaline junkie, but you should know that the only time I remotely risk anyone but myself is when I know about a way out. I'm not going to willingly provoke the man… unless he asks for it."

Vivi's expression, which had previously softened with a bit of shame, snapped back into rage mode. Before she could go about ripping my head off, however...

"Ahem?"

"WOAH!"/"YIKES!"

Vivi and I yelped and flailed as we were suddenly yanked up off of the ropes by the somewhat impatient Ice Hunter twins.

"If you're quite done?" Brindo drawled.

"Hmph." Vivi squirmed out of her captor's grip and brushed her parka off, sniffing indignantly. "You _clearly_ know nothing about my crew if you're actually asking that."

"Seconded," I nodded in agreement before plucking Soundbite from my shoulder and holding him out to Campacino. "Now, I believe there was some mention of un-muzzling—?"

"All yours," the blue twin said as he tossed the key to me. "I'm not putting my fingers anywhere near that death trap that thing calls a jaw, and before it gets any bright ideas?" He tapped a finger to his ear. "We're _all_ wearing sea prism stone earplugs."

"Geez, seriously?" I groused as I started searching for the keyhole on Soundbite's newly installed mute button. "Sea prism cuffs, sea prism earplugs, and Soundbite said _something_ about sea prism _walls_ below that ice before you crammed this thing on his face. What, did the Marines have a clearance sale or something?"

"PWAH!" Soundbite gasped gratefully as I finally managed to wrench the restraints from his jaws. " _ **Sweet, sweet freedom! I'M GONNA HAVE**_ **someone's fingers for that!** _And actually, that wouldn't surprise me. YA KNOW,_ CONSIDERING HOW THE NAVY'S **BUDGET IS GETTING THE AXE LEFT AND RIGHT?"**

"Oh, yeah, between Bege and the loss of twust…" Carue mused thoughtfully.

"Eh, part that, part we've brought in countless _docile_ bounties for the Marines, thus ingratiating us to them!" Hockera snickered as he posed with his hockey stick. "They give us just about anything we ask for! Neat, huh?"

" _Lovely,"_ Vivi drawled in an utterly unimpressed manner. "Now, unless you all would like to see whether or not my influence extends to lip-reading when I tell you all to literally jump off a cliff, I believe we were going to see your _father?"_

The siblings and their underlings swiftly shared a distressed look before the twins swept their arms to the side and fell into uniform bows. "Right this way, milady," they chorused.

Once the procession started to, well… _proceed,_ I subtly inclined my head towards Soundbite. "Do those earplugs _really_ stop you?"

" **Eh,"** Soundbite swayed his eyes from side to side. " **They're** _ **annoying, sure,**_ _**but not airtight.**_ _IRONICALLY, WAX WOULD_ ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN BETTER."

I straightened my head with a satisfied hum. "Good to know."

Soundbite and I fell silent from there on as we walked, our 'escorts' thoroughly on guard as they walked us through an oasis that could only be the result of Devil Fruit intervention when located in a glacial desert of this scale. And the evidence of Devil Fruit involvement became more and more evident the further we went, on account of the steadily mounting temperature and the wisps of steam that were starting to waft through the air.

Normally I would have been more awed by my surroundings, but… well, my sense of wonder was mitigated by the fact that I hadn't seen Vivi anywhere near this anxious since her near-miss breakdown back on the Rocketman; I could only imagine what was going through her head, about to meet the user of _another_ of her country's long-lost treasures while _once again_ being so utterly at his mercy that she couldn't even inform him of the significance of his powers.

Unfortunately, before I could do anything to alleviate her tension, we arrived at a pair of doors that, while not the largest I'd ever seen in my life, were simultaneously the tackiest and the most threatening.

"Are you ready?" Brindo asked, glancing back.

"Ah, actuawwy, if we could have a—?"

"If not, too bad!" Campacino forged on, ignoring Caure's raised wing.

The twins then swept their arms in synch out at the doors, prompting them to open with a blast of steam. " _Presenting to you, the Patriarch of the Accino Bounty Hunting Family…_ DON ACCINO!"

Vivi and I flinched back from the sudden blast of hot air, and we didn't get a chance to adjust either on account of Hockera ramming his hockey stick into our backs and forcing us into the brume. We flinched and coughed from the sudden swap in temperature ranges and it took us a second to get our visibility back, but once we did…

Well, on the surface, Don Accino didn't look all that impressive. Obese, shirtless, laying on a couch made of ice, holding a goblet full of wine, flanked by his lovesick skater daughter and son-in-law. But the fact that he was radiating just as much casual menace as he was pure thermal energy?

Considering how it felt like we were in a _freaking sauna,_ you can imagine that we were all more than a little intimidated. The fact that he outweighed us all by a little less than a metric ton didn't hurt either.

All of that served to make the _literal dozens_ of pirate flags hung about the room little more than the cherry on top. The terrifyingly _morbid_ cherry.

Still, while I had the _chance—_

"Looking for _this?"_

I snapped my eyes down from the countless grinning skulls hanging above so that I could focus on the _one_ that Accino was holding pinched between his fingers, flapping in front of his smugly grinning mug.

"Heheheh, nice try, but not happening," he chuckled as he waved our flag, our pride and joy, our _emblem,_ like a common matador's cape. "I'm not so stupid as to let my prize bargaining chip leave my grasp so long as any of you are free. Still…" Don raised our flag above our head so that he could gaze upon it. "It is _quite_ the pretty flag, is it not…" His sunglasses glinted as he glanced at me. "Jeremiah Cross?"

My lips split in a snarl, but before I could even start to conceive of a response, I found myself abruptly trying to keep my balance in response to the pair of fingers crushing down on the sweet spot on my neck.

"We are honored that you would allow us pirates to speak with you, great Don Accino," Vivi simpered with the utmost politeness as she maintained an equally deep bow next to me.

I subtly rolled my fingers in an attempt to ask her to haul it in a _little_ , and got a nice bit of extra pressure on my neck for my troubles.

Well, if that's how she wanted to play…

"Hmhmm, such manners," the Accino patriarch hummed, his tone warm but tinged with sadistic pleasure. "I was honestly bracing myself for Cross's biting rhetoric. My…" His children winced fearfully as he snorted out a cloud of steam. " _Temper,_ you see."

My eye twitched at that particular comment and I opened my mouth, only to gag when my tongue glued itself to the roof of my mouth. Son of a— _seriousl—AGH, MY EAR, DAMN IT!_

"Oooh, believe me, good Don, my dear friend here would almost _certainly_ be offering the most scratching he could conjure right at this very moment were he so able," Vivi smiled endearingly even as she endeavored to yank my ear off. "But, foreseeing that eventuality, I elected it best to… _rescind_ my crewmate's speaking privileges for the foreseeable future, unless I offer him my permission. I hope you don't mind?"

I was both amused and annoyed to see the Accino children heaving subtle sighs of relief even as their father scratched at his second or third hairy chin.

Ultimately, Don shifted his mass in what I could only assume was a shrug. "So be it, so be it. I suppose that I only need you all to _listen_ for the moment anyways. Now then… to business, hmmmm?"

Vivi nodded, her expression and tone carefully neutral. "We _would_ like to know what you have to ask of us. Especially considering that, given your reputation, we should by all accounts be, well—"

I _started_ to raise my fist above my head so that I could mime a noose, but _apparently_ , Vivi took offense to that, if the way she snagged my elbow and twisted my arm behind my back was anything to go by.

"Quit screwing around with the man whose temper is as volatile as _Eneru's_ while I'm in the room," Vivi snarled beneath her breath. "Or I swear to _Isis_ I will snap your arm off and shove it somewhere thoroughly uncomfortable, do you understand me?"

" _Try it_ **and I'll give you the** _ **BISCUIT TREATMENT.**_ **FAIR WARNING, I'VE** _ **refined my**_ GASTRO-PHONY," Soundbite threatened with a smug smirk, causing Vivi, Carue, _and_ me to pale.

Before anything further could be said, however, a sharp clap snapped our attention back to a thoroughly peeved-looking Don Accino. "If you're quite done with your childish spat?" he growled.

We didn't so much answer as our flinches from the sudden spike of temperature and steam in the room answered for us.

"Good," Don snorted firmly. Thankfully for us, he took what I presumed was meant to be a calming sip from his chalice of wine before continuing. "Allow me to be brief: I have been keeping up with your SBS from the first day it aired, and it soon became one of my goals to add the flag of your most notorious crew to my collection. As you have experienced for yourselves—" He smirked as he waved his hand over his now-preening children. "My family has long prepared for dealing with the entirety of your crew. As it stands, we currently have you all at our… _tender_ _mercies."_

I was _sorely_ tempted to pin the fat bastard with a glare and roll my fingers to tell him to get on with it, but the holes I could feel being bored into my head stilled my hand and expression, as did said fat bastard righting himself into a proper sitting position and adopting a more serious expression.

"However," he stated, his voice devoid of the earlier cheer. "In light of the events that took place upon Enies Lobby, it has been cemented as _fact_ that your crew is truly capable of making what most would deem an impossibility a reality. And…" He took a deep drag from his cigar before wearily huffing out a cloud. "I find myself in a position where I am more in need of this… _ability_ of yours than I do the money from all of your heads combined. Or even…" He visibly struggled with himself for a moment before taking a deep gulp of wine in order to still his nerves and holding up our flag. "My rightful trophy."

Vivi and I exchanged shocked looks, and then she schooled her expression and stepped forwards, her arms spread placatingly. "But, Honorable Don Accino, as we have already witnessed, your Lovely Land is an impenetrable fortress, and you are…" She glanced upward with a shudder. " _Clearly_ thoroughly experienced in your field. What possible issues could affect someone of your standing to such an extent?"

Accino's face split in a scowl and we all tensed as the general heat in the room kicked up a few notches, but thankfully, his ire seemed to be directed elsewhere, as evidenced by his another sigh. "The worst issues of all, Princess Nefertari." He slung our flag over his shoulder and plucked his cigar from his lips before grinding it down against his seat of ice. " _Politics."_

…Yikes, not even _I_ could restrain my wince at that little tidbit.

" **Poor bastard…"** Soundbite muttered.

"Damn straight," Accino bit out. He then slid his sunglasses off and kept his eyes squinted shut as he withdrew a rag and started polishing his eyepiece. "Now, let there be no mistake here: Bounty hunting is more than a simple business for my family." He waved his hand at the flags above us. "It is our way of life. We do it because we enjoy the challenge of it, with the money we are rewarded both a side-benefit and a means of sustaining our lifestyle. Unfortunately, however…" He snorted out a hefty cloud of steam. "In recent days, this lifestyle has become increasingly… _complex."_

I took a moment to roll that over in my mind, and then snapped my head up as a thought occurred to me. I hastily slapped my fingers against Vivi's arm, grabbing her attention and gesturing at my throat.

She hesitated for a second before setting her jaw tersely. "Watch what you say," she warned me, jabbing me with her elbow.

"Sonnuva—!" I gasped, grasping my side. "If I had to guess, I'd say that you're having troubles because the pirate crews are getting stronger, right? More and more nine-digit bounties passing through Lovely Land instead of seven or eight?"

"In so many words?" Don Accino shoved his glasses back on his face. "Precisely."

"We can draw many other crews into our hunting-hell of ice with ease via our superior tactics!" the male skater, Salchow as I recall, boasted.

"But the fact remains that few crews are quite as… lacking in sheer numbers as yours is," his… fiancée, I think? Arbell continued with a weary sigh. "We managed to defeat you because we could reliably split you up and take you down bit by bit, but with other crews that's just not an option."

"We've had to let some pretty damn hefty catches slip away from us," Hockera groused as he picked at the taping on his hockey stick. "And all because for all that we have numbers in our mercs, we lack the quality needed to establish a reliable net with which to hold them."

I frowned uncertainly. "And… where do the 'politics' come into play in all of this?"

Vivi snapped a glare at me, most likely for my impertinence, but then she tapped her finger to her chin with a thoughtful look. "I… admit that my colleague has a point. How does this all relate?"

"It relates," Accino picked up with a growl. "In that my family and I are not the only ones to partake in this lifestyle. There are countless other bounty-hunting groups and families upon the seas, some lesser than we Accinos, some greater. Our immediate concern, however, lies with a rival clan that I am loath to admit is equal to us in strength, known as the Hiruno Famiglia. They number less than us by a wide margin, but the soldiers they command are fearsome indeed, each easily worth ten of our own."

"The Hirunos are small, strong, swift…" Campacino ticked off on his fingers.

"And above all else, _ruthless,"_ Brindo finished as he slammed his fist into his palm. "They've poached countless quarries from us over the years."

"So… what, you want us to wemove da competishion oah something?" Carue scratched his head in confusion.

Accino dismissed _that_ notion with a wry chuckle as he took a deep draught of his wine. "Hoho _hoooo,_ I only wish… but no. You see, their resources, limited as they are, can be something of a nuisance for us to fight against, but, if they were to be, say, _incorporated_ into our own, deployed with our tactics, our methods, our _skill…"_

"An alliance," I deduced.

Don Accino nodded, a grimace on his face. "Basically, yes, we've decided to arrange a mutually beneficial alliance… sort of. For you see, there is one thing that concerns me more than the acquisition of my beloved trophies, and that is the continued wellbeing of my family. As such, a simple everyday agreement will not be sufficient. We need a more…" He took a _deep_ drag from his cigar before biting out the next words. " _Permanent_ solution."

Vivi only had to think about those words for a _second_ before setting her jaw tightly and stealing a momentary glance at Salchow and Arbell. "You're talking about an _arranged marriage."_

" _Feh!"_ Accino spat to the side bitterly. "Believe me, I find the idea as distasteful as you, especially when taking the other party into account, but it was the only thing I could think of that would keep that old hag and the mongrels she calls her children in line. Still, what's done is done. The contract has been drawn up, and the date set. But the proceedings themselves…" Accino ground his teeth as his icy seat started to sizzle beneath him. " _Those_ are in question."

"Not only will dissent be _rife_ amongst the Hirunos," Campacino announced.

"But there is not a doubt that many _other_ bounty hunters will also attempt to interfere in the proceedings," Brindo concluded.

"After all, if this merger goes through, we'll be topping the absolute top dogs in these waters!" Hockera grinned confidently. "All those other losers will be looking at a total game-over, no questions asked! Soooo they'll be trying to sabotage the living hell out of everything while we're trying to hitch our families up." His smirk quirked slightly as he gestured his hockey stick at us. "And _that's_ where you guys come in."

"Heheh… Indeed…" Accino laid down again, scratching the vast expanse of his gut. Eurgh. "With interference both within and without, it would appear that it would be impossible for the ceremony to be anything but an unmitigated disaster. Good thing we have a crew here whose very _dogma_ is the achievement of the impossible, no?"

"Our proposition is thus!" Arbell sniffed haughtily. "Help us in assuring that this wedding and the alliance that comes with it are both achieved without so much as the slightest hiccup!"

"Fail, and you'll be in Impel Down before even _your_ captain can say 'meat'!" Salchow proclaimed. "Succeed, however, and you'll be allowed to slip away scot-free! We've even managed to convince Papa to return your flag to you on your way out!"

"Though I'm gonna have to be _hammered_ at that point if you want it without a fight…" the 10,000-Degree-Human literally fumed, the air shimmering around his luminescent body.

Vivi hummed thoughtfully as she mulled over the proposal, soon grabbing me by the shoulder even as she adopted a beatific smile. "Mister Accino, if you don't terribly mind, might my colleague and I have a moment to discuss matters?"

"Eh, go ahead," Accino said, waving his hand indifferently. "Just make it quick. My time is money."

"Of course, of course, we'll only be a moment," Vivi assured him with a smile. With that, she yanked me around, drew a deep breath… and started to whisper conspiratorially. "I'm going to be honest here, Cross: I _hate_ arranged weddings. I was heir apparent, so I was never at risk of suffering one, but far too many of my friends had to suffer them in the past. But even then…" She spared a glance over her shoulder at Salchow and Arbell. "Honestly, these two actually seem _happy_ with one another, which is always a big help, and what they're asking can't be _too_ difficult. Simply put… I think that this sounds like a _surprisingly_ good deal. Your thoughts?"

"My thoughts?" I repeated dryly. "First, that I'm starting to wish I didn't respect your authority so much. And second, yes, it seems like a good idea. Yes, it seems like something we can do. Yes, it seems like our luck has come through for us yet again. But I still can't get one thing out of my mind."

" _AND THAT WOULD BE...?"_ Soundbite asked, clearly dreading the answer.

"Simple," I glanced at him with a flat look. "When is it _ever_ that easy?" And so, before Vivi could stop me, I turned back around and pointed at the Accino patriarch. "So, let me see if I've got this all straight! We help you get _these two_ —" I pointed my fingers at the skate-wearing couple in the room. "Hitched properly, in spite of members of mascara-boy's family and every other Tom, Dick, and Harry in the waters who calls themselves bounty hunters trying to throw the whole thing, and you'll let us go, flag and all. Do I have that right?"

Don Accino snarled at me testily, but then breathed out a huff of steam and smoke, waving his hand back and forth. "Eh…" he grunted dismissively. "For the most part. You flubbed _one_ detail, though."

Vivi and I promptly exchanged terse glances. "And… that one detail would be?" the Princess asked.

"The identity of the bride, of course," Arbell spoke up with a 'what-can-you-do' shrug.

"Indeed!" Salchow nodded, sweeping the other skater in the room into what under _any_ other circumstances would have been a very romantic dip. "My beloved Arbellinawina and I have been happily married for three years now, and my family positively loves her! Though only half as much as I do~!"

"Oh, Sally-wally~!"

" **BLECH!"** Soundbite spat in disgust.

"I'll second _that,"_ Campacino huffed with a roll of his eyes.

"And I make three!" Brindo concurred.

"Going four!" Hockera gagged.

"Five…" Vivi muttered before shaking her head and looking back at Don in confusion. "But… if _she's_ not the bride, then who is!?"

"Ah… hey, yeah, she's right!" I agreed. "Because unless you have any other children I don't know about, then the only other daughter you have is—!"

"Me."

Vivi, Soundbite and I all stiffened at the new voice that had spoken up, and we all slowly turned to watch as the owner of said voice walked past us and stood before the Ice Hunter patriarch, confirming our worst fears.

" _Wait, YOU MEAN—!?"_ Soundbite started to squawk incredulously.

"That's right," Don Accino smirked languidly as he dropped his hand on the head of the stoic child standing before him and ruffled her hair. "You'll be helping coordinate the marriage of my youngest daughter, _Lil_ Accino."

Lil's face barely even shifted as she raised the hem of her skirt in a curtsy. "My future is in your hands."

Vivi's eye twitched furiously as she pointed a shaky finger at the child. "Ah… buh… that…"

I, for my part, merely slapped a hand to my face with an exasperated groan. "I rest my case…"

Thankfully, _that_ managed to snap our crew's resident princess out of her shock. I _was_ freaked out for a moment when her face flushed and her expression morphed into a mask of fury, but then I noticed that none of said fury was actually directed at _me._

" **You…"** she bit out at Accino, trembling murderously. " **Deplorable...** _ **vile...!"**_

Thankfully, the Heat-Human didn't seem to take offense, if the way he snorted and started to dig his pinky in his nose was anything to go by. "The hell are you getting pissed at me for, eh?" he grunted. "The Hirunos only have male heirs, and Arbell is already married. Besides, it's not like I'm actually asking her to _consummate_ the marriage, not immediately - or ever, hopefully."

That statement lowered Vivi's blood pressure from apoplectic to merely simmering, but she was _definitely_ still mad. "Even so—!"

Don Accino interrupted her by slapping his hand to his forehead. "Right, that would be a problem, wouldn't it? The groom is the same age as Lil, give or take a year. Does that settle any protests?"

Vivi ground her teeth for a second longer, but eventually, she dropped her face into her hand with a sigh. "Apart from my sense of basic human _decency?"_

"Yes, apart from that. I mean, come on, I'm sure you've seen this before."

Vivi's brow twitched furiously at the sheer _bluntness_ of the statement, but she allowed herself to nod. "It's… not an unacceptable offer, I will admit. But now that we have all the details in order…" She gestured apologetically at me. "I am sorry for any impertinence on my part, but might I have some more time to discuss matters with my crewmate? This is not a decision we can make lightly."

Don Accino grunted mulishly as he righted himself and started to stretch his neck side to side. "Personally, I don't remember giving your crew much of a _choice_ in the first place… but eh, what the hell." He grinned as he shook chalice slightly. "I need to go refill my drink anyway, and my legs are starting to fall asleep. You have until I get back. Children."

"Yes, Papa!" the younger generation of Accinos barked, straightening their postures.

"Keep an eye on them. And if they do anything untoward…" The dark chuckle he let waft after him as he walked out said more than any words could have.

I warily eyed the thermo-centric giant as he left the room, tracking his rather thunderous footsteps. Once I judged his distance to be great enough, reinforced by Soundbite giving me his nod of approval, I snapped my attention over to the Accino children and—!

"Whatever the hell you're thinking of, **I don't want to hear it!"**

" _Grk!"_ And promptly choked on my own tongue when Vivi piped up behind me. With the immediate threat out of the way, however, I wasn't nearly as inclined to listen to her this time. Thinking about what I'd come up with based on what Garp had said about the power she held, I began focusing… and almost immediately, I felt the results.

"The Voices of Anarchy will not be silenced," I snarled out, causing Vivi to jump before reapplying herself.

" **Not. A. Word,"** she growled with as much authority as she could muster, dropping her hand on my shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze.

I turned my head so that I could _smile_ at her, pitching my voice low so that the others in the room couldn't hear. "Do you remember what Garp said? That your power relies on people respecting you and your authority? Have you ever thought that it was strange that it worked on someone who has talked down to the likes of Eneru, Aokiji, Sengoku, and Dragon without any hesitation? I worked out awhile back that the only reason it works on me is that I still respect you as a princess, and my friend besides."

Vivi blinked, clearly stunned by the admission, and then I allowed myself to grow more annoyed. "On the other hand, focusing on the things about you that I _don't_ respect seems to have the desired effect of nullifying your abilities. And really, it's so easy to do it when I keep thinking about your many, many, _many_ flaws. Namely? Your _complete_ and utter inability to remember relevant details prior to the exact moment that they _become_ relevant."

" _That hasn't happened in—!"_ Vivi started to hiss.

" **Days?** _**Hours? MINUTES?"**_ Soundbite leered tauntingly. The way Vivi blushed and started to stammer did _not_ help her case.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, while I contemplate your natural human errors and override your override…" I _loved_ the way the Accinos collectively flinched when I directed a predatory smile at them. "I'm going to go right on ahead and do what I do best."

"And… dat would be—?" Carue swallowed hesitantly.

I chuckled as I stepped forward, cracking my knuckles in anticipation. "Flip the fucking script. Alright, kiddies, _LISTEN UP!"_ The Accinos jumped in shock when I suddenly let out an authoritative bark. "We've all stood around listening to your demands, we've heard them, and now you're all going to shut the hell up and listen to _ours."_

The Accino-heirs all exchanged hesitant glances, save for the little tyke _Lil,_ of all people, who casually strolled up to us and regarded me with a lazy grin. "And why should we listen to anything a powerless little pirate like _you_ has to say in _our_ home?" she asked… not smugly, actually, just matter-of-factly.

Well, why _wouldn't_ I grin at the thought of breaking her pride like an egg? "Why, I'm _so_ glad you asked. Oh, Soundbite?" I purred as I snapped my fingers, drawing my snail to attention. "Kindly _cut the ground_ out from under her."

" **GLADLY,"** Soundbite hissed venomously. His grin then morphed into a far more… _catty_ iteration. " _Hey, Cross. How are discussions going?"_

"At the moment?" I asked as I made a show of examining my fingertips. "Tense. But I think we can tip the balance back in our favor. How's everyone on the crew?"

" _Out of their shackles if they had any and all ready to rumble at the drop of a hat."_

I began to nod and then paused. "…Quick question, was any of that lockpicking Merry's doing?"

There was a pregnant pause, and then a very audible slap of flesh on wood. " _I blame Vivi's influence,"_ Merry groaned.

"I RESENT THAT!" the Princess in question barked.

" _We all know you do, honey,"_ Nami sighed wearily. " _Anyways, we're ready to start dropping walls and knocking heads. Should we start?"_

"No no, hold off on that," I replied. "Matters are both complicated and interesting right now, and I want to see just how much I can work this angle before we default to Plan B."

" _Don't you mean Plan_ A?" Zoro questioned with a smirk.

"Normally, yeah," I said dismissively. "Anyway, just hang tight. We won't be long." And with that, I chopped my hand across my neck and dropped the connection. I then crossed my arms and smirked down at my fellow beast-tamer. "So. How's our negotiating position looking _now,_ runt?"

"That… could have been a trick. You and your snail, y-you've been sneaky like that before!" she blustered, though the look on her face made it obvious how much she believed that.

"I have been, I have been," I conceded, my grin never leaving my face. "But you still have to consider, in this instance… I might _not."_

"B-But even if you aren't, even if your comrades _are_ all free to fight," Arbell cut in swiftly, most likely in an effort to draw attention from Lil. "We still know all of your moves from the SBS, we know your crew, we _captured_ your crew! What makes you think we can't do that again?"

"Let me answer that with a question of my own." I stretched my grin from ear to ear as I strode over to her and stuck my grin in her face. "Are you _really_ willing to risk the full force of the Straw Hat Pirates, all united and all ready to rumble, running rampant inside your own _home?"_ I slowly tilted my head to the side. "And more importantly, do you really think _daddy dearest_ can handle a tee-d off Luffy firing on full cylinders? As I recall, _that didn't work out well for the last guy. Or ten._ "

The pallor that came over _all_ of their faces answered _that._

" _Oh you poor poor bastards,"_ Soundbite chuckled sadistically. " **If you thought your nuts were IN A VICE** _ **BEFORE."**_

"As my little buddy said," I nodded in agreement, backing off a bit and giving the Accinos _some_ breathing room. "The situation has become thus: you all desperately _need_ our help, while we ourselves only _want_ a few things from you. Concede to our demands, and _maybe_ we'll make this a mutually beneficial arrangement, rather than merely bouncing your heads off the cobblestones and being on our merry way. So!" I clapped my hands together with an eager grin. "You all game?"

"Er… don't you mean being on your sunny way?"

Everyone in the room slowly turned to _staaare_ at Salchow. For a minute, that was all we could bring ourselves to do.

_THWACK!_ "OW!"

"I'm sorry, Sally-Wally, but even _I_ thought that was dreadful," Arbell said, shaking her head in disappointment.

Before the mascara'd man could respond to her words, however, Brindo grabbed his shoulder and started to drag him aside. "It would appear that _we_ are the ones in need of a moment of discussion now," he bit out.

"If you'll pardon us…" Campacino trailed off as he gnawed on his thumb.

I nodded my consent, and as they huddled together, I looked back at Vivi, whose expression was sitting on the borderline between uncertainty and indignance. "Cross, while I appreciate the opportunity, I don't want to reclaim the Rage like _this,"_ she protested.

"And you won't, I swear," I reassured her. "Honestly, this is working out better than I thought: now we have an _excuse_ to stick around. Look, just don't worry about it, alright? All I'm doing right now is turning the situation in our favor, so that we can milk it for all it's worth. When there's money on the table, you don't just leaving lying around, right?"

"Mmm..." Vivi nodded noncommittally as she glanced away.

I hesitated slightly at her reaction before coughing into my fist. "Vivi, I don't know whether or not this makes things any better, but… the whole 'vendetta' thing I've got against people being in a higher position of authority than me? I only really got it _after_ Alabasta."

Vivi pondered that for a moment, looking down at her necklace, before clenching it in her fist. "After… a higher authority ruined my life."

"They _crushed you,"_ I growled out. "And after that… well, let's just say that when anyone tries to crush me, I damn well try and make them pay for it."

Vivi took that in, and finally, she nodded. "I apologize, Cross. It seems we were both at fault here."

I nodded back before donning a light smirk. "Well… hey, look at it this way: I have learned some restraint. After all-" I jabbed my thumb at the Accinos. "I was smart enough to _not_ pull this in front of the chief hothead, right?"

I was gratified by Vivi hiding a chuckle at that, but I couldn't enjoy it due to the Accino Family breaking their huddle and drawing our attention.

"What do you want?" Arbell groused.

"Ahhh, there, see?" I grinned in an admittedly condescending manner. "Isn't it so much better when we all get along? But anyway, getting down to business, our first demand is thus." I popped up a finger, my levity gone. "The liberation of the Phoenix Pirates, captain, flag and all, before we so much as lift a _finger_ to help you. The only reason they turned against us was that you had your boots on their necks, and I'm not going to let you keep our fellow pirates oppressed even one second longer. You want our help, you let them go."

The elder Accino twins exchanged glances before heaving simultaneous sighs.

"They were useful while we had them," Campacino grumbled before waving his hand dismissively. "Agreed."

"What else?" Brindo demanded.

"Our second demand." I raised a second finger as I scanned the flags hung above us. "Considering how extensive your father's… _collection_ is, I'm assuming you have a ledger of all the flags here?"

The Accinos glanced at one another in confusion before Hockera nodded. "Yeah, we do. What about it?"

"Simple." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "You'll be handing it over to our archaeologist, who will be choosing which flags we'll be taking with us, and which your father gets to keep."

A jolt of shock ran through the room, with Carue hastily raising his wing as he voiced everyone's confusion. "Wha—? 'Choose' which fwags we take wid us? Shouldn't we take them all?"

"Eh," I waved my hand dismissively. "They're free to keep the flags of pirates who raided civilians and whatnot. Flags baptized in blood? Those aren't marks of pride, they're symbols of fear and terror. If the Accinos want to keep them as trophies, they're _welcome_ to them." I then directed a glare at the resident bounty hunters. "But the flags of pirates like us? Pirates who only ever went out on the seas for adventure? For _freedom?_ Those we take with us. Those we'll give a burial at sea so that the souls of their crews may _finally_ rest in peace."

I took a menacing step towards the Accinos. "Will there be a _problem_ with that?"

There was a moment of silence as the Accinos all looked at one another and then…

"Hmm, let me think," Lil drawled, tilting her head to the side exaggeratedly. "Will there be a problem? _Hell_ no."

I blinked in confusion at the response. "Uh… come again?"

"You heard her! Take as many as you want! Hell, take 'em all!" Hockera answered.

"AGREED! We hate those damn things!" the twins asserted with mirrored nods.

I… will freely admit, I was taken aback enough that I was actually gaping at them. Salchow responded with a roll of his eyes.

"You saw how often he steams this place, who do you _think_ is in charge of cleaning those damn things and watching for mold!?"

"Your… soldiers?" Vivi guessed.

"Ha! As if Papa would trust _them_ with his 'precious' trophies!" Arbell scoffed. "No. While we love our Papa dearly, and while it's going to be _hell_ to live with him once he finds out you've stolen from him…" She scowled murderously. "I'd rather eat my skirt than spend one more _second_ scrubbing those old rags!"

"AGREED!" her siblings and husband chorused.

Vivi's eye twitched furtively as she regarded the Accino-heirs. "How… _heartwarming…"_ she muttered.

"Ahem!" Hockera coughed into his fist as he regained his composure. "So, anyway, was that everything you wanted?"

"Yea—No!" I hastily swapped my answers as a thought occurred to me. "Now, this might sound petty, but I know that our Second Mate would _kill_ me if we didn't lay down this final stipulation: when we leave here, we act like actual _pirates_ in the process, taking everything in you bastards' coffers. Those are our demands, take 'em or leave 'em."

The Accinos visibly hesitated at the ultimatum, but Lil simply smirked and started to sway back and forth on her feet. "Go right on ahead, help yourselves…" She raised her hand to hide a smirk. "You know, so long as you can find where they are? _And_ get them open?"

"Glad to hear you already approve!"

"WHA—!?" was the general cry of shock as everyone snapped their attention to the door of the flag-room… _where Nami was standing with a bulging bag slung over her shoulders!?_

" _ **HOW THE HELL**_ **EVEN!?"** Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"When, exactly, did her talent for thievery reach the same level of impossible as Zoro's non-sense of direction?" Vivi managed through a floor-cracking jaw.

"When I got rid of the emotional weight that was holding me down. I might even owe Kalifa a 'thank you' next time we meet if this is anything to go by… after I give her a black eye, of course," Nami sighed happily. "Aaanyway, sorry for moving early, but I got kinda bored. We'll just go ahead and store this back on the Sunny before going back to wait in the pit. Have fun, you guys!" And with that, she strode off down the hall humming a jaunty tune, followed by all _five_ of our Dugongs, who were all carrying equally loaded sacks.

"Et Tu, Boss?" I sighed wearily.

"Lemme guess, Man's Womance?" Carue quacked.

"Nope," Boss huffed dismissively as he waddled off. "It's just a living."

" _ **Wah wah waaaaah…"**_

"…Why did I have to open my mouth?" Lil groaned, sinking to her knees as streams of tears fountained down her cheeks.

I shook my head, adjusting my collar as I shoved the shock into a corner of my mind. "Ahem… a-anyway, your father doesn't need to know about all this, seeing as he'd sooner melt me with his bare hands than listen to even a word I have to say. You all meet our demands on the sly, we make sure thing go as hunky-dory as possible. With that settled, all we have to do is wait for daddy-dearest and—!"

"W… _W-Wait!"_

"Eh?" I blinked in confusion when _Arbell_ of all people suddenly blurted out a protest, desperation clear on her face.

"Sister!?" Campacino demanded.

"What do you think you're—!" Brindo started, only to be silenced by Arbell sticking her hand in his face.

"Cram it, all of you," she growled before returning her attention to me. "While we're going behind our father's back, we might as well go all the way. You've shared your demands, now please, I beg of you, listen to _our_ request! This wedding, the wedding that my father is forcing you to safeguard…" She glanced to the side, gnawing her lip before nodding firmly, her gaze full of determination. "I… _we,_ the children of the Accino family… we want you to _sabotage it."_

Dead. Stunned. _Silence._

Vivi slowly raised a shaking finger. "Run that by us again?" she squeaked.

"You heard me!" Arbell hissed. "Make things look like they're working out well for as long as you can, but when it comes down to the clutch? Make sure that this wedding _fails._ I can understand that Papa is merely concerned with our well-being, I really do, but…" She ground her teeth as she landed her hand on Lil's shoulder, prompting the nearly pubescent girl to glance up at her with a… surprisingly apathetic look. "If he thinks that I'm going to let myself be related to those snakes of the Hiruno Famiglia… that I'll let my little sister _marry_ one of them…"

"Enough, sister."

Arbell flinched as the twins dropped their hands on her shoulders, giving them both a despairing look. The twins hesitated at said look, exchanging a glance before sighing in synch and stepping forward.

"We realize that, as it stands, we are in no position to ask anything further of you…" Campacino reluctantly admitted.

"But left with no other options, even at your mercy..." Brindo continued.

They fell to their knees as one, heads bowed.

"Please," they pleaded in synch. "Take pity on us and grant us this request, so that we might safeguard our family from our father's desperation."

"Ah…" I blinked slowly before leaning back towards Vivi. "IIIII honestly did not see this coming. Suggestions?"

"Umm…" Vivi gnawed her thumb for a moment before shrugging. "Either we manage to pull off the wedding and there'll be nothing they can do, or, in usual Straw Hat fashion, it blows up entirely in a way Accino can't claim we did it on purpose?"

"Hm… and I know what option I'd put my money on…" I mused before returning my option to the Accinos. "We'll think about it. But for now—!"

" _FOR NOW,_ **Papa-pyromania's on his way back!"** Soundbite barked hastily. " _Game faces,_ _ **EVERYONE!"**_

Thankfully, the Accinos all managed to scramble back into position just as their father re-entered the room, the heat steadily rising as he strode around us to regain his seat. "My apologies for my extended absence," he grunted. "But I had to make a slight detour to my room to retrieve a new cigar. Still, it gave you more than enough time to think..." We flinched as a blast of steam rose up as a result of the patriarch sitting down. "Meaning that I will have my answer _now."_

Vivi adjusted her collar with a slight wince before resuming her 'princess-ly' posture. "W-We have to admit, Mister Accino, your proposition does sound… _most_ agreeable to us…"

"But the fact remains!" I picked up. "Vivi and I are merely _high-ranked_ members of our crew! Much like with your family and you, the final decision lies with our _captain!_ Surely you can appreciate that!…sir?"

"…Hmph. I suppose you have a point; it would be the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most," the Hot-Hot man said at last. We started to heave a sigh of relief - until the temperature spiked and the sheer humidity started to _crush us_ as he glared at us. " **You have ten minutes."**

We couldn't get the hell out of that steaming dodge fast enough, and once we were _all_ out, Campacino took a moment to get his breath back before gesturing with no small amount of haste. "Come on, this way."

I swiftly grabbed his shoulder. "We'll go to the cells alright," I assured him. "But only _after_ a little detour to release your… 'pet pirates', was it?"

Campacino flinched slightly before smirking confidently. "Very well, if you insist… but let me remind remind you, those poor souls' spirits have been utterly crushed by the New World, so unless you think you can restore their hopes and dreams in less than ten minutes—!"

"Unless I miss my mark, you have Captain Puzzle in a cell somewhere?" I interrupted.

"Ah… yes, why?"

"Get Luffy out of the pit, shove him in the same cell, get the Phoenix's ship and flag ready, and above all else?" I strode past the twin with confidence. "Stop doubting _the Straw Hat Pirates."_

Campacino was silent for a moment before snorting and walking after me. "Personally, I think you would be best served hauling your _raging ego_ back into check."

**-Five Minutes Later-**

"Seriously, I can't even _begin_ to thank you guys enough!" Captain Puzzle praised Luffy as he shook his hand vigorously, his crew making the final arrangements to set sail on their flag-adorned ship behind him. "If it weren't for you… hell, I don't even want to _consider_ what could have happened to us!"

"Shishishi! No problem!" Luffy chuckled good-naturedly. "You guys are all pretty cool once you stop being idiots! I can't wait to see you guys in the New World!"

"Same here, but only after we've had a _lot_ of time to train, I assure you."

"Shishishi, yeah, you guys _are_ pretty weak!"

"Hey, no need to be _that_ blunt!"

While this little exchange was ongoing, Campacino and I were standing a little ways away, him gaping, me smirking.

"I believe that you were saying something, Mister Accino?" I chuckled tauntingly.

"But-but-but… _how!?"_ Campacino choked out. "His hopes were dashed! His flames snuffed into little more than cinders! And your captain _barely_ had any time to speak with him! How is this possible!?"

"ROW ROW, _FIGHT DA POWAH!"_ Soundbite cheered. " **Possible?** _ **Who cares? VIVA SHO—!"**_

"AHEM!" I coughed.

" _Aheh… sorry."_

Brindo, meanwhile, was busy comforting his brother, who was now gnawing on his collar and _crying_ in exasperation.

"Still…" Puzzle looked past Luffy, looking worried. "Are you sure you're going to be alright? I mean, these people…"

"Mah mah, it's fine!" Luffy said, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. "I don't really get what's going on, but Cross and Vivi said they've got things handled! I trust in my crew, and that's more than enough!"

The other pirate contemplated that for a second before shrugging. "So be it. I wish you all the best of luck! And trust me, if anybody on my crew wasn't listening to the SBS _before…_ but for now. PHOENIX PIRATES! WEIGH ANCHOR! LET'S GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS ICY HELL AS WE CAN GET!"

"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!"

" _ **Oooooh—GAH!"**_

"Do you _see_ a talking starfish anywhere?" I demanded.

" _Spoilsport…"_ my partner pouted in response.

And so we watched as the Phoenix Pirates' ship sailed off, grateful that our friends were freed, their spirits reanimated - and personally, that the half-remembered x-factor was out of the way.

Unfortunately, I picked that time to remember exactly how double-sided our luck could be. So, with a mounting sense of dread that I hoped was merely well-justified paranoia, I turned to look at the other Accinos, who were pulling themselves together from their bemusement.

"Incidentally… feel free to tell me that I'm worrying about nothing, but all we have to do for the Don is make sure the wedding goes right, _right?_ Even with all of the sabotages attempts that will go on… there aren't any _other_ catches that we should be aware of, _right!?"_

The way that Campacino and Brindo slowly shared an uncertain look did _not_ give me confidence. "Weeell…"

**-Four Minutes Later-**

Vivi, Carue, Soundbite, and I stared at the Don with identical masks of exasperation and sheer, undiluted venom.

"So, let's see if we have this right," Vivi began, with a tone about as calm as a grenade whose pin had been pulled. "You have no staff for the wedding aside from your family and mercenaries. No planners, no caterers, no decorators, no musicians, and no priest, because a million and one random saboteurs, both within _and_ without the proceedings, have managed to either scare them off or 'deal with' them."

"Mmmyep," Don Accino hummed, not a care in the world.

"And you expect us to fill dose woles?" Carue asked.

"The priest comes with the church… but besides that, yes," Accino replied.

"I see. Normally, that wouldn't be unreasonable, we have a wide variety of talents amongst our crew that we could use," I said, very slowly and clearly. "But you also told us that the setting for the wedding is a seafaring chapel, which is set between your turf and theirs. And said chapel is only in these waters for today and will be departing before nightfall."

"Precisely."

" **In short…** _ **you want us**_ _to plan,_ _ **prepare**_ _**AND**_ **safeguard this wedding…"**

Accino apparently saw where we were going, as he and his family promptly raised their hands to cover their ears.

Wise choice.

" _IN THE SPACE OF THREE HOURS?!"_

I dropped my hand into my face with a sigh even as my ears rang from Vivi's irate scream. "Now _that's_ what I call another shoe."

**Hornet AN: Now taking bets on how bad the fustercluck is going to be!**

**Xomniac AN: If you think you might be lowballing, then you clearly are!**

**Patient AN: Ah, what fun this is…**


	7. Chapter 7

### Chapter 51: Chapter 46: Highs And Lows! A Triumphant Wedding Disaster!

### Chapter Text

"Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused as I stared over the edge of one of the _many_ pews lying on their sides scattered across the room. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

'This', by the by, was the absolutely massive free-for-all brawl that was raging before me in the center of the once grand and noble Seafaring Parish of St. Jude Thaddeus, the Patron Saint of _Hope_ of all things, with said brawl being composed of a great many individuals, who themselves were all wielding a variety of weapons, if they chose to wield weapons at all.

Soundbite poked his eyes over the edge of the pew so that he could give the fight a bored once-over. "YOU KNOW THE MOST _ironic thing?"_ he dully noted. " _ **Our crewmates aren't even**_ **CAUSING THE WORST OF THE DAMAGE.** _ **MOST OF THEM**_ _GOT THE HELL OUT OF DODGE_ **when the shit started flying, they're waiting outside."**

_That_ little tidbit prompted me to slap my hand to my forehead, and I knocked the back of my head against my cover even as I watched an Accino grunt fly above me and slam into the wall.

"Three hours…" I groaned. "How did we manage to screw shit up so badly in _three hours?"_

**~o~**

Thinking back, I have to admit that for once, not _all_ the fault was on our shoulders.

Allow me to be perfectly clear: the fiasco that my crew went through in an attempt to organize this… _event?_ It was enough to guarantee that if I _ever_ got married, it was either going to be with no less than a full year of preparation or in a small, quiet (Soundbite _howled_ with laughter when I told him that later, and I… didn't really have it in myself to protest) ceremony that would be tossed together in three hours, maybe less.

Where to even start… bah, the beginning's as good as anywhere, I suppose. Our first order of business while we waited for the church to arrive was to deal with Don Accino's flag collection. Not too bad; while half of the Accinos kept the Don busy with preparing their own ship and hitching it to the Sunny, Robin, Luffy, Chopper, Merry, and I went through the— _ergh_ —trophies.

To elaborate, aside from Robin, who was handling the Don's sizeable ledger with her nearly bottomless well of knowledge on the subject-matter, Luffy had apparently decided to dredge up another lesson from Shanks and was present as a sign of respect, and I was there so that Soundbite and Merry could assist with any identification that lay outside Robin's purview; after all, most of the flags had had the ships' souls imprinted within them, and those that didn't still had voices of their own.

As sadly expected, while the vast majority of the emblems hailed from ruthless and bloodthirsty crews that left Merry and Soundbite reeling, we still had to bury over a quarter of the collection away from the Don's prying eyes. As for the rest, well… let's just say that if Hockera noticed Chopper passing by and cracking open a vial or two or ten containing spores from a cloth-devouring mold he'd altered to be hyper-aggressive when given plenty of heat and moisture, he didn't mention it. Took us just over ten minutes to finish up.

From there, we travelled to the chapel. Also not too bad; with Sunny's paddle system, Nami bending the wind to our favor, and Conis, Lassoo, and Usopp providing some extra thrust, we made it to the church (and if St. Jude Thaddeus wasn't proof that the World Government knew what it was doing where floating buildings were concerned, I'll eat my gauntlets) in the space of half an hour.

All told, actually reaching the church took about, oooh, forty minutes or so? Leaving us with—

**-2 HOURS, 20 MINUTES REMAINING-**

From there, we actually started working on setting up the wedding. Our first order of business was the division of labor, and big surprise, that was when our troubles chose to rear their heads.

**-o-**

"Alright, everybody, listen up!" I announced, sweeping my eyes over our assembled crew.

The building we were in, I'll admit, was a nice place. Massive double doors opening from the antechamber into a large room with a domed ceiling, windows at the top allowing light to come in. A few dozen pews lined up in four rows provided space for a few hundred people, maybe even a thousand. One corner had a large organ and a couple of dozen chairs, clearly intended for the choir, while statues, carvings, and mosaic murals decorated the walls and pillars. A cross-shaped pool easily big enough for half a dozen people to fit in, filled to the brim with water, was at the front, and a slightly elevated dais with a large altar and two throne-like chairs was at the front and center of the room.

Yet the only Bible I could see was sitting on a small table between the two chairs. You'd think they'd have more than one…

I drew my thoughts away from that as I looked at the crew, Luffy hanging from the rafters but everyone else in states of relative calm. 'Relative' being the key word there, given that Accino was looming behind me and cooking my backside, with his kids standing at his sides.

"Now," I started hesitantly, glancing over my shoulder at the Heat-Human standing behind me. "I realize that this is all kind of nutty, and rather touch-and-go, and I know that we don't really have a plan of action—!"

"Ah, actually, Cross?" Vivi interrupted.

A glance at her revealed that she was holding a small packet of notes about an inch thick.

"Uh…?" I slowly raised a finger questioningly.

"I… drew these up on the way here?" she smiled tentatively.

"You outlined an entire wedding plan in under an hour," Nami deadpanned, clearly not believing a word our crew's Princess said.

"…experience as a royal?"

I took a moment to weigh the pros and cons of calling Vivi on the blatant bull-honkey she was peddling before coming to and voicing my conclusion of "I could care less if you got them from the devil himself. Alright, Vivi, you've apparently got the plans, that means you've also got point. I'll help you supervise, try and keep things from going pear-shaped."

"Ah… o-okay, then…" Vivi shuffled through her notes before taking a calming breath and regarding our friends with… relative amounts of confidence, but still confidence. "Okay, okay. First, the obvious delegation: Sanji, you'll be handling the catering."

"But of course, dear Vivi," Sanji bowed to the Princess before addressing the Don. "Two hours is more than enough time to prepare a banquet fit for a wedding. So, does the father of the bride—"

" _Underage~"_ Soundbite sang softly.

"Still need _hors d'oeuvres,"_ Sanji smoothly added, his menacing grin prompting Soundbite to snap back into his shell. "As I was saying, does the father of the bride have any preferences for the menu?"

The Don made a careless gesture, upon which Arbell, with a wrinkled expression, handed our cook a list. Sanji started scanning it, and it took all of five seconds for the blood to evacuate his face. "…Vivi? Do you already have something planned for Chopper?" he croaked.

"Uh…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow uncertainly. "Uuunless any medical emergencies come up, no. Why?"

"Yeah, Sanji, why would you need my help?" Chopper questioned with a tilt of his head.

"Because _this_ is the menu the good Mister Accino wants me to cook," Sanji answered, gulping audibly as he stuck the paper before the reindeer's face. When Chopper started to frown in confusion, Sanji tapped a section of the page. "These numbers here? These are _Scoville counts."_

Chopper's pupils snapped into pinpricks, and he slowly looked up with a haunted gaze. " _I'm gonna need a_ lot _of liquid nitrogen and milk…_ _ **and some heat-resistant suits couldn't hurt either."**_

"On our ship, in the back," Arbell deadpanned, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder.

" _ **Thank you kindly."**_ Chopper tipped his hat at the Accino heir before ambling off, a fervently muttering Sanji right on his heels.

"Uhh…" Vivi hummed uncomfortably before glancing up at the Don. "Sir, I realize that _your_ abilities will serve to protect _you_ , but what about—?"

"Ohh, don't worry, Princess," Accino smirked around his cigar. "I'm entirely aware that my proposed menu will almost definitely melt the mouth of anyone who has some, and not just from how delicious it is. After all…" He crossed his arms proudly and straightened to his maximum height and girth. "Just because I need the Hirunos here and for this wedding to proceed properly does _not_ mean I either need _or_ want those bastards to be comfortable. And if they starve? So be it!"

I felt a sweatdrop hanging from my head, and _saw_ one hanging from everyone else on the crew.

Vivi's, it should be noted, was _particularly_ large. "Oh, this is going to be _fun…"_ she groaned acridly before turning her gaze upward. "Anyway, moving on, Luffy, you— _oh, for the love of Kek."_

"Oh, this is going to be _really_ fun," I deadpanned as I stared up at the blatantly _empty_ rafters, then at Soundbite. "Hey, Sanji, just a heads-up: Luffy's MIA."

" _Of course he is,"_ the cook sighed wearily. " _Bah, if he wants a taste, then he can have it. With any luck, it'll be enough to lay him out flat."_

"And since when have we ever been _that_ lucky?" Vivi mused as she shuffled through her notes. "Anyway. Franky, Usopp, it sounds like you'll have to handle building the decorations and painting this place by yourselves. Is that alright with you?"

Our mechanically-and-artistically-inclined crewmates nodded in acceptance—

"Oh! Oh oh oh!"

—Only for Merry to interrupt by jumping in her seat and waving her arms eagerly.

"They won't be alone!" she promised. "I can help them both out! After all, I have their skillsets in my skull, so anything they can do, I can do just as well! I'll just pull double-duty to help them out!"

"Eh…" Much to our surprise, it was actually Arbell who chose that moment to speak up, her voice… almost gentle!? "Are you really sure that you can keep up with your crewmates? After all, your body _is_ pretty young."

"Hm… that's actually a fair point!" Merry mused, making a show of tapping her chin 'thoughtfully'. "Allow me to offer you my calm and measured rebut _RAGH!"_ Franky and Zoro were forced to move swiftly to grab the caravel's arms and hoist her flailing form into the air before she could leap at Arbell, her teeth gnashing violently.

"Yo, Merry, calm your tits!" Raphey called out. "Save it for—"

The dugong froze as the shipgirl pinned her with a glare that could peel paint. "Bitch, my tits _are_ calm," Merry said in a deceptively even voice. "The left one is named Siddhartha Buddha and the right one is Vardhamana Mahavira, and together they are lactating a veritable _font_ of _peace and understanding._ It is the _rest_ of me that's pissed. AND AS FOR YOU!" Her blistering glare and tone regained their heat as she snapped her attention back to Arbell, who to her credit didn't even flinch. " _I'LL RIP YER BLOOMERS OFF AND STUFF 'EM DOWN YER BLOODY GULLET! YERS AND ALL YER ICE-LUBBIN' FLAG-STEALIN'—"_

"Mute," I deadpanned, snapping my fingers.

"…? …!" Merry stopped trying to speak as she realized that she had been muted. Then, glowering, she reached into her coat, and pulled out a—

I facepalmed. "You _planned_ for this?" I groaned.

"…" Merry was… well, _silent_ as she peered out from beneath the red and white cap she had donned.

"Right, moving the damned hell along before I can really get freaked out by this." I shook my head vigorously as I snapped my attention back to Arbell. "So, just in case you happened to miss it, _yes,_ she's definitely up for this."

"Glad to hear it…" Accino growled out as he ashed a cigar from both ends. "Now get her out of my sight before I lay a lesson about _respecting her superiors_ on her backside she won't soon forget. Or _ever."_

"…!" A flash of fear came over Merry's expression, and she, Usopp, and Franky promptly skedaddled out of the room.

"…I need to get a hat like that," Lil muttered to herself.

"Right!" Vivi clapped her hands together imperiously. "Moving on. Who here has experience with the piano or organ?"

Robin smiled as she splayed the fingers on the extra hands she'd suddenly acquired. "I like to think that I'm quite proficient. After all…" A slightly wistful look came over her. "Nobody ever pays attention to the lonely piano man…"

"Ah…" Vivi blinked in surprise. "Wait, that phrase… where do I—?"

"Ah!" Robin's arms disintegrated into petals as her face suddenly flushed. "I'll, ah, just be getting to that—!"

"Oh, yeah, now I wemembah!" Carue slapped his wing to his forehead. "Dat's a wine fwom ' _Da Woved and Da Wovewess!'_ You know, dat _twashy_ West Bwue womance novel you— _WACK!"_

"I will pluck you nude and cook you into a turducken," Robin calmly stated, her usual serene smile in place but her arms twitching murderously as they held Carue in place. After a moment of silence, the arms evaporated. "So, I assume the sheet music is on the instrument in question?"

Hockera nodded frantically, and Robin walked off, leaving us watching her with no small amount of fear.

"…Right," Vivi piped up, snapping my attention back to her. "Now, Mister Accino, so long as your family is handling the wardrobe…?" She heaved a sigh of relief when the Hot-Human nodded. "Alright, then that's everything for the wedding proper, meaning all that's left is our main priority: security. Carue, if you wouldn't mind organizing things properly?"

"Of couwse, Vivi!" Carue saluted proudly.

"Hrmph," Accino snorted doubtfully, taking a drag from his cigar. "You're leaving security up to the _duck?"_

"No, she ishn't."

_THWAP!_

In that instant, I mirrored the Accino-heirs _perfectly_ in that I nearly pissed my pants when Carue jumped up and smacked the freaking _cigar_ from Don Accino's mouth.

"She's entwusting the secuwity to the individuaw who's been her pewsonaw _bodyguawd_ her entire wife," Carue stated. "And fow da wecawd, I'm wiwwing to take a wot of fwak… but my pwide as a captain in da Awabastan Militawy and Vivi's guawd is _not_ something I will _evah_ wet anyone mock. _Got it?"_

I gained an entirely new respect for Carue in that moment as he maintained his firm expression, but said respect was _vastly_ overshadowed by the existential dread I felt as the ambient temperature slowly cranked up to levels where I felt like I was right back in the middle of He—I mean Alabasta. Neither Vivi nor Carue, however, even flinched.

Unfortunately for all of us observing, the standoff dragged on for a minute, but then, out of the blue, the temperature snapped right back to normal, and a smirk grew on Don Accino's face as he fished out another cigar and placed it in his mouth. "Continue," he invited.

Most of us shared dumbstruck looks, while Carue settled for snorting gratefully. "Gwad to have yoah appwoval. Now!" He clapped his wings together. "Wisten up! Evewyone we have weft will be spwit intah thwee teams tah cover evewy angle. Fiwst, Don." He looked back at our 'clients'. "I'm guessing dat you've got a buncha gifts foah dis mess?"

"Condolence gifts from our friends," Campacino explained.

"But we got twice as many as we expected, so…" Brindo waved his hand side to side uncomfortably.

Carue slapped a wing to his face with a groan. "Ah'f couwse. Twelfth birthday aww ovew again, Stomp _stiww_ has a stain in his feathahs… awight, Su, Wassoo, Funkfweed, you'we all with me. We'we be keeping watch ovah dah pwesents and dah ones with good noses wiww be weeding out da 'supwises'. Zowo, Nami, Conis, you thwee'll head outside and handle any thweats coming by sea owah—and aye _can't_ bewieve this is actuawwy a possibiwity—by aiw. And finawwy, Boss, you and your students head undahwatah. If you see anything even vaguewy thweatening, punch it untiw it's not. Evewyone awight with that?"

There was a chorus of vague agreements…

"Actually."

And a single protest from the _worst_ person it could come from.

Carue twitched uncomfortably before glancing up at Don Accino. "Yes, Mistah Accino?" he asked uneasily.

"Oh, don't get your feathers in a snag, duck," the Don said dismissively. "Most of your plan is fine and good, but I do have _one_ proviso. For the underwater guard force."

"Come again?" Boss almost demanded.

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement. "In case you haven't noticed, we're _amphibious!_ Where do you _want_ us, guarding the sky!? Nami's already got that— _GRK!"_

Mikey was interrupted and left gasping by a blast of hot air Accino snorted at him. "Would you rather wind up on my dinner plate, lightly steamed with butter?" he bit out.

The dugong shook his head with a pained wheeze, Raphey and Leo glaring at the heat-human in his place.

Don Accino took a calming drag from his cigar before continuing. "Anyways. Knowing this crew, and more specifically _you_ _five,_ I require some extra security to ensure that you don't try anything clever—or more likely, _shell-headed—_ in an effort to slip out of this. As such, I've decided to assign the best of our Fierce Penguins to shadowing you."

Boss and I both stiffened fiercely at that, me from horror and him from… I actually don't know.

"Wait… you don't mean—!" I started to get out.

"I knew this day would come…" Boss ground out.

Before either of us could say anything further, however, Lil brought her fingers to her lips, blew a sharp whistle—

_SLAM!_

"Aloha, _convicts!"_

And the doors were promptly kicked open by the absolute _last_ quartet of fuzz and feathers that I ever wanted to see and with the leader speaking in the last voice I ever wanted to _hear_ , if _only_ for the sake of preserving the last tattered shreds of my sanity.

I slowly turned a murderous glare on Soundbite. "I… I don't even _know_ what the hell to say to you about this."

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT _they say!"_ Soundbite leered right back. " _IF YOU DON'T HAVE_ _ **anything nice to say,**_ **THEN SHUT THE HELL—!"**

"Rico!"

" _HORK!"_

_PTANG!_

"— _ **GAH!"**_

"Silence, convict!" the lead penguin barked as he jabbed his flipper at my partner. "You all are under _my_ command now! I don't care if you're really some big-shot coolio pirate thanks to your namby-pamby talk show, you will only speak when I say you can and—!"

"Not under your jurisdiction, Skipper," Lil deadpanned.

"— _erk,"_ the unsurprisingly-named… _ergh, Skipper,_ choked.

"Sorry, Miss Lil!" the dopey-looking one piped up in a childish British accent. "Skipper just gets excited from time to time! He always says how he doesn't want to let you—!" _SLAP!_ " _Gah!"_

"No one likes a suck-up, Private," Skipper deadpanned, his flipper still in post-dopeslap position.

Lil shook her head with a glance upwards that was equal parts fond and long-suffering before turning back to us. "These four are by far the strongest I've ever trained. Rico, demolitions and special weapons expert—"

" _HUGH!_ HAHAHAHA!" the wild-looking penguin cackled, vomiting up a lit stick of dynamite and starting to juggle it around.

"Private, a rookie but still surprisingly capable—"

Without warning, Rico lobbed the TNT to Private, who started juggling it between his flippers as he waddled for the door. "Oh no, oh no, oh no—!"

"Kowalski, the—"

"Lemme guess," I cut in with a groan, dragging a hand down my face. "Scientist and tactician?"

"According to my calculations…" the tallest of the penguins announced, whipping out an abacus and slapping around the beads for a second before looking up flatly. "Private _will_ get the dynamite out of the building!"

_KABOOM!_

" _WAAAAAH—!"_

_SLAM!_

" _OOF!"_

Kowalski barely even flinched as a smoking Private slammed into and stuck to the wall above us. "Private, however, will _not_ get out of the radius of the blast."

"Called it," I deadpanned, before flinching under the rest of the Accino's glares. "IIII'll shut up now."

"And finally," Lin concluded. "The leader of the squad, the most competent, the most professional, the strongest soldier we have besides Papa—!"

"The Mad Penguin."

We all paused in confusion as someone spoke up, but that question was promptly answered when Boss waddled to the front, his teeth tightly clenched around his cigar, and his eyes unerringly locked on Skipper.

"Of _Gascar,"_ he finished, his tone positively _glacial_.

Skipper, for his part, just blinked at Boss in confusion for a moment before smirking and waddling up to him, staring up at the dugong's mug in spite of the fact that he was twice his height. "Now that's a name I haven't heard in awhile. Haven't seen you in awhile either, _Dissy."_

The captain of our ship's guard narrowed his eyes menacingly. "It's Boss now, Penguin." He took a hard drag of his cigar and blew the smoke right in Skipper's face. "Boss. _Dugong."_

Skipper didn't even flinch at the smoke, instead letting his smirk widen. "Is that so? Well, it's nice to see you again after all these years… _Bessy."_

I darted my weary gaze between the two amphibious fighters before asking what everyone was thinking and what I was dreading. "I take it you two know each other?"

"You could say that," Skipper said, tilting his head at me without ever breaking eye contact with Boss. "Before I came to be under the Accinos' employ, I worked odd jobs here and there around the Line. And every time a job brought me to Alabasta, it always seemed like _Ol'_ Bessy was there to greet me! Heck!" Skipper spun on his talons as he casually snapped a flipper up. "I can't even _remember_ all the times we've clashed! What was it, Bessy, a hundred? _Two_ hundred?"

"Too many to count, Penguin," Boss intoned darkly. "But I only ever endeavor to remember the one: _Erumalu."_

In an _instant,_ Skipper had his snarling beak in Boss's impassive mug. "Don't you _dare_ bring up Erumalu around me, you crossbred son of a barnacle!" he spat.

Boss took a deliberately slow drag from his cigar before blowing _another_ cloud of smoke at the penguin, this time sending an unfortunately nearby Private into a coughing fit. "Make me, _lead wing."_

As we watched the sparks crackle and fly between the two, Soundbite leaned his head towards me. "I WOULD LAUGH _at the appropriateness of the bird's moniker,"_ he hissed. " **But this is way too** _ **cool."**_

"Ditto…" Mikey chuckled eagerly as he gleefully watched the exchange.

"You say 'cool', I say 'annoying as all hell!" Raphey bit out as she warily eyed the three (two and a half, really, Private was still wheezing) penguins that were eyeing them in turn. "These feather-fluff combos nabbed us all through cheating!"

Rico's response to _that_ was to stick his tongue out at her and drag his eyelid down with a flipper, cackling all the while. This, of course, necessitated Mikey hastily grabbing Raphey before she could tackle the mad penguin.

"She has a point, you know… ignoring the physical assault…" Leo groused, a quick exchange of glares with his team's brawler stopping her attempt at attacking, though not her growling. "Why do we have to have _them_ as our guards?"

"Heck, why do we need guards, period? You've studied the SBS, have we ever given the impression that we wouldn't keep our end of a bargain!? Besides Nami, I mean," Donny said, conveniently positioned so that Zoro and Conis were between him and the aforementioned navigator. "No offense, of course."

"None taken," Nami smiled beatifically.

_ZAP!_

" _YEOWCH!"_

The stench of ozone and cooked dugong that suddenly permeated the air said different.

"We're aware. This is simply a matter of insurance, for both of us," the Don said. "After all, you wouldn't expect us to add _nothing_ to the security ourselves, would you?" He then turned his gaze down to the two leering animals, who promptly dropped their glaring contest in favor of dropping to their knees when the temperature suddenly spiked. "And I expect you to put whatever past you have together behind you until the wedding is complete. _Am I clear?"_

"Y-Yes Don-Boss, sir," Skipper coughed out.

"My word…" Boss groaned. "As a Man."

"Good," Accino snorted as he _thankfully_ killed the heat. "Now, if you need me, I'll be on my ship getting hammered enough that when the Hiruno witch and her brood arrive, I won't instinctively flash-boil everything in a quarter-mile radius on instinct. So, unless there's anything else?" His tone clearly said that there'd better damn well not be, and thankfully there wasn't. "Good. Now hurry the hell up and _get to it."_ And with that he headed straight out of the double doors, and soon after everyone who remained slowly trickled off to their assigned posts, though the way Boss and Skipper kept eyeing one another in the process did _not_ fill me with confidence.

Once everyone was gone, Vivi, Soundbite and I briefly stood in silence before Vivi shot me a _far_ too confident smile.

"You know… I think we actually just might pull this off."

**~o~**

"'Might pull this off', my ass," I grumbled under my breath as I watched a particularly large bounty hunter use a pew as an impromptu club to mow down his competition with. "When we get out of this, I'm gonna host a damn _seminar_ titled 'Lines we do not freaking taunt Murphy with'!"

"AMEN, _**brudda!"**_ Soundbite nodded in agreement. " _ **But for now, I think we should PROBABLY MOVE, FOR WOOD IS WEAK—!"**_

_SMASH!_ " _GAH!"_

I flinched as an insensate bounty hunter's head crashed through my cover _way_ too close to my own head for comfort. "And their skulls are thick, right. Any ideas?"

" _Uhh…_ OH! _**The food table,**_ **it's FRANKY-BRAND** _ **REINFORCED!**_ **Ya know,** ' _CAUSE LUFFY."_

"Perfect," I nodded. I promptly set about skimming along the ground hidden by whatever mostly-intact pews remained, dodging any bullets, bodies or otherwise improvised projectiles that shot my way as I headed for my aforementioned destination. And there I found someone else taking cover, prompting me to don a flat look.

"You _do_ realize that a good portion of the blame for this situation goes to _you,_ right?" I testily pointed out.

"Ex- _cuse_ me!? If you'll forgive my language, how the _hell_ do you reason _that_ , _Mister Jeremiah?"_ Vivi snapped back with just as much heat. "Everything I did, I did trying to make sure that this was the perfect wedding!"

"We were supposed to _sabotage_ the wedding!" I snapped, flinging my hands up… or, at least, I tried, but still, it was the gesture that counted. "And you were a freaking _nightmare_ to work with the entire time!"

"Oh, please!" Vivi snapped her head away with a sniff. "I was _nowhere_ near that bad!"

**~o~**

**-1 HOUR, 30 MINUTES REMAINING-**

"Nononono, this table needs to be 2.68 inches to the north and .54 inches to the east, or the feng shui of the room will be off!" Vivi snapped at the hapless staff (read: mercs she'd brow-beaten into wearing suits). "And the chairs have to be in an exact hexagonal configuration at the specified coordinates! For _all_ the tables!"

"B-b-b-b—" said merc whimpered under Vivi's rage, yelping as she grabbed his collar.

"Did I _stutter?"_

"Y-Yes, ma'am, I-I-I mean no ma'am, I mean _hurry the hell up already before she castrates me!"_ the poor man barked to his colleagues, who swiftly scrambled to fulfill the request.

Taking a deep sigh, Vivi took a step back and began inspecting the decorations Merry, Franky, and Usopp were still putting up, frowning. I had gotten very good at deciphering her frowns over the last fifteen minutes, and thankfully this one was the 'I'm still deciding if you screwed up, don't disappoint me' frown.

While she was doing this, another one of the suited mercs walked up to her, his knees visibly shaking. "Uh, Miss Vivi?'

"Not right now," she said, still eyeing the decorations.

"Miss Vivi, this is very importa—"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure," Vivi absentmindedly waved, eyes zeroing in on Franky—who had just arranged some of the lace streamers to vaguely resemble a cannon firing. "Franky! Rearrange those, we can't be having _any_ violent motifs at a wedding!"

"Aw, c'mon!" Franky snapped. "It barely looks like a cannon! And besides, this is a bunch of _bounty hunters!_ They'd love it!"

"Just change it!"

"Alright, alright, keep your shirt on… HEY, MERRY, MIND LENDING ME A HAND!"

"BIT BUSY UP HERE!" Merry called down from the rafters, where she and Usopp were hanging via an admittedly impressive set of ropes.

Vivi shot a momentary glance up at the pair before snapping her full attention to them. "LESS WHITE, MORE BLUE!"

"INDEED!" Brindo (the twin wearing _red,_ of all people) yelled up in agreement as he rolled a table into place. "AFTER ALL, THE BLUE OF THE SEA AND THE ICE _IS_ OUR NOBLE FAMILY'S COLOR!"

"WHAT!?" Campacino (the other, _blue_ -wearing twin) shouted from across the hall, where he _had_ been helping carry a stack of chairs before dropping them off in the arms of the nearest (and going by the way he staggered under the weight, woefully under-muscled) merc to him. "DEAR BROTHER, SURELY YOU ARE JOKING! CLEARLY, WHAT WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND THE RADIANCE OF OUR FATHER'S ABILITIES, _RED_ IS THE COLOR OF OUR FAMILY MOST NOBLE!"

The pair of them exchanged looks of irritation, and then, with the nonsense that Oda _himself_ had come up with, they glowed red and blue, flew towards each other from opposite sides of the room by 'twin magnetism'…

"EN GARDE YOU—!"

_SLAM!_

" _ARGH!"_

And opened their brawl with a mirrored pair of hooks to one another's jaws.

"If you two make a mess, I'll make sure no one can tell where one of you starts and the other one ends," Vivi promised, before glaring up at our paint-adept again. "AND WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU TWO WORKING?"

"Uh… we don't know which one to listen to?" Usopp answered uneasily.

"JUST PICK A NAME OUT OF A HAT!"

Usopp started to nod before shooting a bemused look at Merry. "I… can't remember which had which name… or which supported which color scheme either. You?"

Merry responded by giving him a flat look before slapping her hands together. "I'm out. HEY, FRANKY, LOOK OUT ABOVE!" And before our sniper could react, she slipped out of her harness and dropped onto our shipwright's shoulders.

Thankfully, Vivi chose to nod at that, _somehow_ satisfied, and I flinched as she turned her gaze on me, her eyes all but quite literally blazing behind… her…

"Where the hell did she get that monocle?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

"DIDN'T SEE, _too scared!"_ Soundbite whimpered from within his shivering shell.

" _AHEM?"_

"Yes'm!" I yelped, snapping to attention under Vivi's piercing gaze.

She sniffed haughtily at my reaction before directing her attention at my snail. "Connect me to Sanji," she ordered in a tone that brooked no argument.

For a moment, my mind was at war, self-preservation clashing with thrill-seeking, disrespect for authority, and pride. And then common sense whacked pride upside the head and knocked it out, leveling the playing field and allowing me to make the smart decision.

"Well, you heard the woman," I told Soundbite.

" _ **God knows I**_ **wish I hadn't…"** he moaned back, but nevertheless there was a moment of static, and then—

" _Little busy at the moment, Cross,"_ Sanji replied, sounding decidedly strained.

"Not Cross, _me,"_ Vivi stated. "Status report, Sanji."

" _Gah!"_ Sanji yelped frantically. " _O-Of course, Princess! Sweet, sweet, beautiful princess who I serve hand and foot and I definitely do_ not _want to tell to go away at this moment, just give me a second to… HEY, YOU! GET OVER HERE AND HOLD THIS!… alright, there we go. Ah, anyway, let's see… alright, the main dishes will be ready on time, despite the… eccentric menu."_ Soundbite's shell shivered again. " _I swear, where the hell did he get a recipe for liquid_ smoke…? _On an unrelated note, I really hope you don't need Chopper anytime soon, because my help is rotating through him like clockwork, and if I lose him, I'm screwed."_

"Duly noted," Vivi nodded. "And the cake?"

" _In the oven, and the frosting and decorations are being made as we speak."_ There was a pregnant pause over the line before Sanji continued. " _The, ah, specifications, though… I'd never question you, my dear princess, but these are very exacting and I don't trust any of these yahoos to do it right. But I also don't want to be away from the main prep for so long—"_

"That's by design," Vivi interrupted. "The banquet's a lost cause, what with the Don's specifications."

" _Tell me about it,"_ Sanji groaned despondently. " _I'm brewing and serving the 'punch' in a cast iron pot! It's melted everything else!"_

" _ **Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble!"**_

" _At least_ Chopper's _having fun keeping it stable… though now I'm going to have to have someone keep an eye on this thing to make sure it isn't_ breathing."

"…Anyway," Vivi picked up, shaking off the bemusement of what she heard and getting back into her professional form. "The banquet is a lost cause, but the cake has to be _perfect."_

There was a brief pause before Sanji spoke up again. " _Even the runes on the gazebo?"_

"They're hieroglyphs, not runes, but yes, even the hieroglyphs on the gazebo."

" _As my princess wishes,"_ Sanji sighed, the line going dead…

"Pst, Sanji!"

Until I reopened it.

" _Cross, wha—!?"_

"Look, just tell me real quick," I hissed as I spared a glance at Vivi, who was thankfully not looking my way. "Does this place have any salt in its storerooms?"

" _What are you—Ugh, yes, there are a ton of salt bags back here, what about it?"_

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Glad to hear it. Now, make sure to smuggle what bags you can onto the Sunny when you get the opening, as much as you can manage."

" _What!? Cross, I swear, if this is some kind of a stupid joke or something—!"_

"I'm deadly serious!" I interrupted him with as much emphasis as I could manage and still keep quiet. "The next fight we go into is going to be a nightmare already, and it'll only be bigger unless we stockpile as much salt as you can grab! Got it?"

There was a tense silence for a moment before Sanji heaved a sigh. " _Yeah, alright, you make it sound pretty serious. I'll wave in some of the Dugongs to get it done. Just… try and reign in Vivi while you're out there, alright?"_

"You're kidding, right?" I scoffed even as I cut my hand across my throat and returned my attention to her.

Thankfully, the Princess had lapsed into blessed, thoughtful silence. But sadly, it didn't last long before she turned to a large table shoved into the back of the chapel. It was groaning under the weight of the gaudily wrapped wedding presents which Lassoo and Funkfreed were warily sniffing and prodding at. Seriously, I think some of the wrapping was actual gold. Also, for some reason or other, there seemed to be _something_ struggling under the tablecloth, but I _very_ firmly decided to ignore that.

"How are things going with the presents, Carue?" the Princess asked.

The duck looked up at her with a tortured squawk. "So faw, we've defused a dozen bombs, got wid of at weast ten packages of poisoned food, got wid of half a dozen packages that wewen't deadwy but _weally_ shouldn't go to someone wemotely cwose tah hew age, and thwee ow fouw packages dat had _wive_ contents. A hownet's nest, a sedated wild boaw, a supwisingwy aggwesive swoth—"

"GAH!" Su gasped as she stuck her head out from under the table and panted in exhaustion, her usually pristine fur frazzled and wet. "And one… very determined… pygmy sperm whale… that I think has some squid or octopus blood in it."

Soundbite poked an eyestalk out of his shell so that he could… well, _eye_ her. "YOU HOLDING _up alright?"_

Su panted a second longer before grinning confidently and sticking up her paw in what I assumed was an approximation of a thumbless thumbs-up. "I'm… wearing him down!"

Her grin then died when a tentacle stuck out from under the table. "Oh, no, not agai— _WAGH!"_ Aaand with that she was yanked back under the table and the struggle picked up anew.

Carue stared at the struggle for a moment before looking up sheepishly. "It's a wowk in pwogwess."

"So I see," Vivi muttered, and I braced for another outburst. "Well, just keep the duds out of sight and it should be fine. Now, what else…"

The former princess trailed off in thought, not noticing another besuited merc walking up to her. "Uh, Miss Vivi?" he said. She gave no sign that she'd heard, and the merc shot us a pleading look. Soundbite and I glanced at each other, and shrugged in a 'what can you do' sort way. Sighing, the merc shook his head and spoke up again. "Miss Vivi?"

Silence.

The merc's face hardened, and he completely ignored my frantic head-shaking in favor of loudly clearing his throat. "Oi! Miss Vivi?"

I think the glare Vivi shot over her shoulder at the poor bastard managed to stop my heart just as long as his. " _What?"_

"Ah… N-N-Never mind, Miss Vivi," he simpered. "I'm… sure it's not _that_ important in the long run."

" **Good,"** she nodded firmly before turning her attention away and wandering off. "Now, who would have an idea of the proper seating arrangements…"

Once she was a ways away, Soundbite slowly poked his head out of his shell with a grimace. "GOD SAVE US _from the princess!"_

"At this point?" I sighed. "I'd take the _devil_ if he offered."

I then proceeded to freeze as a tinkling giggle echoed through the rafters.

"ON THE OTHER HAND!" I yelped, making a bolt for it. " _WAIT THE HELL UP, PRINCESS!"_

**~o~**

Vivi maintained her glare for a moment longer before glancing away and poking her fingers together. "I… alright, I admit to having _maybe_ gone a bit overboard… but!" She snapped her finger up as she defiantly met my gaze. "In my defense, I was just trying to make this wedding the best it could be!"

" _We were supposed to_ tank _the wedding, you blue-haired bimbo!"_ I grabbed her shoulders with a roar. "The Accino kids wanted to make sure that their sister _didn't_ get married!"

A blue hue slowly fell over Vivi's face. "…riiiiight…"

"SERIOUSLY!" Soundbite barked. " _You've been eccentric and ditzy_ _ **in the past, BUT THIS!?**_ **WHAT THE HELL, BITCH!?"**

"Uhhh…" Vivi hedged uncertainly as she looked anywhere but at me. "In my defense, it's failing spectacularly anyway?"

A spectacular _SMASH_ rang out at just that instant, but utterly failed to sway my partner or I.

" _Try again,"_ we snarled in synch.

Vivi's mouth flapped uselessly for a second before she hung her head with a defeated sigh. "So… I might not have been entirely honest with you all."

I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Of _fucking_ course. About what, exactly?"

"About _these._ " Vivi felt around in her pockets for a moment before withdrawing and holding out… a familiar pack of notes? Wait a…

"The wedding plan?" I questioned incredulously.

"I… didn't really come up with it on the spot," she admitted shamefacedly. "It was something I'd been working on for years, ever since I was a little girl. Ever since I realized that I had feelings for…" Vivi trailed off into silence as a blush crawled up her cheeks.

Still, it wasn't like she had to say anything further, seeing as I managed to make the necessary connection. "Hieroglyphs… why didn't I realize sooner?" I winced sympathetically. "All this… you were stressing out and micromanaging because you were essentially setting up your _own_ wedding, weren't you?"

Vivi nodded with a weary sigh of her own. "I just… with how things are, with the World Government and my bounty and everything… I love the crew, I really do—!"

"Never doubted it for a second."

"But…" Vivi rubbed her arm, not looking me in the eye. "I just… after everything that's happened… I wanted one thing, my childhood dream…" She smiled tearfully. "To go _right…_ you know?"

I was silent for a second before slowly smiling and reaching my hand out to grasp Vivi's shoulder. "Vivi… no matter what, you'll always be one of my best friends in the world. You know that, right?"

Vivi's smile remained in place as she nodded.

"Then as your friend, I just want you to know I bear you no malice when I say this." I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your real wedding… is probably not gonna be much different from this."

Vivi's expression froze so hard I could hear the sound of shattering glass.

…no, wait, that was one of the light fixtures being yanked down from the ceiling.

"Excuse me?" she croaked uncertainly.

"Well… I mean, isn't it kind of obvious?" I asked as though it were, well, the most obvious thing in the world. "Think about it: as I just said, we're your friends. That means that come hell, high water or lack of invitation, we will _all_ be attending your wedding. And considering what happened _this_ time the Straw Hat Pirates were involved with a wedding, well…" I gestured helplessly at the chaos occurring just a few feet from us.

A most _astounding_ explosion rang out at that instant, accompanied by a pained cry of " _MY LEG!"_ , though that last one might have been Soundbite's doing.

"Yeah, that."

For the most part, Vivi's face remained frozen in a rictus grin, though her eye did start to twitch in what I suspected was an unhealthy manner.

"But, hey!" I grinned cheerily, lightening my tone in what I hoped was a supportive manner. "Look on the bright side: no matter how much of an unmitigated disaster it is, you'll still be surrounded by your friends and family who love you very, very—!"

" **CROSS."**

My words died in my throat when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a horizon-to-horizon desert, at the foot of a very large, very golden and very radiant throne that was flanked by an equally radiant and titanic pair of cobra statues—no, wait, they were moving. Cobras. _Actual_ giant-ass glowing cobras.

"…eh?" I breathed in confusion, tilting my head up to look at said throne.

I was met with the sight of a figure of pure power and authority glaring down at me with near unbridled contempt.

" **RUN."**

" _RUNNING!"_ I yelped, bolting out from under the table and into the chaos, leaping over the bazooka-launched cannonball that just so happened to try and occupy the space where my head was, ducking under the massive axe that tried to pass through the space where my neck was…

" _ **GRAH!"**_

"GAH!"

Aaand finally wincing as Vivi bodily tackled me to the ground and flipped me over so that she was looming menacingly over Soundbite and I.

" **I will feast upon your entrails,"** Vivi hissed at me, Lion Cutters at the ready to disembowel me so that she could offer Sanji the requisite ingredients for said meal.

I began frantically looking around for something that I could use to fend her off… and unfortunately, I found one.

"Ah… Vivi? I think that we have more pressing issues at the moment."

" **Like** _ **what?"**_

I swallowed heavily as I slowly pointed a shaking finger over her shoulder. "Like her," I squeaked.

" _YOU!"_

Vivi's rage died swift and hard as she snapped her head around in horror. " _Meep…"_

And believe you me, Vivi's reaction was _entirely_ appropriate, given her first encounter with the Matriarch of the Hiruno Famiglia not more than an hour ago.

**~o~**

**-1 HOUR REMAINING-**

"Princess Nefertari!"

I glanced up from the clipboard Vivi had handed off to me to catch sight of Arbell hastily approaching us, gnawing on her thumb with a level of anxiety uncharacteristic of someone who was wearing a furred coat and a tutu without a hint of shame. "This should be good for a laugh…" I mused.

" _I COULD_ **sure as hell** _ **use one…"**_ Soundbite muttered, his voice unimpeded by the bundle of pens Vivi had stuck in his mouth.

"Hmm?" the princess barely glanced up from… whatever she'd been doing.

"You need to drop whatever it is you're doing, right away!"

_That_ managed to get Vivi to snap her head up, albeit with an aggravated growl. "And why in the name of _Set_ would I do that?"

Arbell grimaced as though she were on the edge of ralphing. "Because the Hiruno Famiglia has been sighted on the horizon and will arrive soon, and Papa wants—!"

"Demands!" Hockera corrected as he jogged past us towards the front door.

"Grgh…" Arbell dragged her hand down her face. "Yes, yes, Papa _demands_ that you be there to greet them. Best impressions and all that, _for all that they're damnably wasted on those uncouth sons of…"_

"Dear, your blood pressure," Salchow pleaded desperately as he came up behind his wife and rubbed her shoulders. "Best behavior, remember?"

Arbell glanced at her husband out of the corner of her eye. "Don't you hate them as much as I do?"

" _More,"_ Salchow spat with a grimace. "I just find it more satisfying to fluster them with politeness and veiled snark than get up in their faces about it. So chin up, and let's get to it!"

Vivi returned the grimace and shook her head with a sigh. "Oh, very well, if I have to. Where do you—?"

"Ah, Vivi!" I yelped, hastily stepping in front of her. "Lemme just…" I swiftly raised my hand as if to brush at her hair, causing her to flinch, and then I used my other one to snatch her monocle off before her eyes reopened. "Alright, good to go!"

Vivi blinked her eyes open and smiled beatifically. "Thank you, Cross, I appreciate it." She then grinned uncertainly. "But… um… would you mind coming with me? Just in case."

I sighed in relief as I subtly stuffed the damned eyepiece I was holding in my back pocket to be properly disposed of later. "Be right there with you."

She smiled gratefully, and a hasty bit of scrambling later—though I did spare a moment to appreciate the archway that Franky and Merry had constructed above the inner double doors—found me lingering off to the side, partly in shadow but within clear view and eyeshot of Vivi, while she and the Accino children—save for Lil, who was still in the back, most likely due to the whole 'brides and grooms' tradition—stood a short distance behind the double doors that led to the outside. They were the picture of class and etiquette, save for how Brindo and Campacino were bruised and growling at one another and Arbell was grinding her teeth like a chainsaw.

The tension was palpable, as evidenced by the temperature rapidly mounting due to a surprisingly sober-looking Don Accino marching down the aisle and grumbling acridly as he adjusted his tie. "Alright, everyone here? Good," he snorted darkly. "Now I know we hate them and they hate us, but let's just try and get through this so that we only ever have to interact through our subordinates, agreed?"

"Yes, Papa," the Accino children chorused, though my angle of view let me catch sight of them all crossing their fingers behind their backs.

"Ah… Mister Accino?" Vivi raised her finger hesitantly. "It just occurred to me now, but… am I to assume that you've already briefed the Hirunos about our… unique situation, since you wanted me to be here to greet them?"

Accino coughed slightly and glanced to the side. " _A-_ ctually, they think you've all gone through Lovely Land's treatment and become compliant, are thus part of the dowry and that once we're done here we'll be giving you to the Marines for your bounties."

"Ah, thank you, I just wanted to clear that _I BEG YOUR PARDON!?"_ Vivi shrieked.

_SLAM!_ _**WHOOOOSH!** _

Any further protest was killed by the doors to the outside slamming open via an obscenely stereotypical blast of cold air. After I got over my initial shivers from the frigid gale, I looked up and got my first look at the Hiruno Famiglia.

As the name implied, they were _definitely_ mafia-themed, as demonstrated by the way the mooks flanking them were all dressed in spic and span suits. However, in terms of actual size, the family proper was no bigger than the Accinos, with only three individuals _really_ standing out.

Heck, one of the three standing at the front wasn't all that scary; in fact, he was rather, well… _pitiful._ I mean, between the fact that he had barely any muscle on his bones, pasty pale skin, greasy black hair, sunken eyes and the way he seemed to keep twitching at anything and everything that moved, _including_ his own shadow? I was honestly questioning whether or not one of Moriah's puppets had made a run for it. But going by the way the kid—and he was definitely a kid—barely scraped four-and-a-half feet tall? It looked like the poor bastard was our _groom._

But still, for all that the kid was pitiful, the _rest_ of his family more than made up for it by chilling me to the bone with a menacing aura that was definitely top-ten I'd encountered _._

The… _marginally_ less vile-looking of the two was a lanky male that reminded me of pre-Garp Helmeppo, if only by the aura his slicked back steel-gray hair and pince-nez gave off. Though to his credit, he was at _least_ a little better built than Helmeppo. Still, his Helmeppo-ness was _definitely_ emphasized by the quartet of… surprisingly identical-looking guards flanking him. All were dressed in tuxedos, and while the fact that they were all toting increasingly large violin cases would have _normally_ made me think they were packing, the way their leader was tapping what looked to be a conductor's baton in his hand made me think twice. Honestly, I suppose it was only logical that there was _someone_ on the Grand Line besides Brook who could incorporate music into their fighting, however much of an air of an ass he projected.

But still, for all that the guy was bad, it was the Hiruno matriarch who really sold that these were the absolute last people you wanted to mess with. She seemed to be the polar opposite of Don Accino: a midget who was only over 3 feet tall, rail thin, and clothed from head to toe in a parka of steel-blue wool, whose hood was stretched over the twin buns her lilac hair was tucked into. Her face was wrinkled like old leather, and the light smile she had on despite her pinched expression was utterly belied by the way she seemed to make me shiver just by _looking_ at her. Overall? _Cold_ was the best, if not _only_ way to describe her.

Which was even more fitting, seeing as when she opened her mouth and spoke, she didn't so much 'speak' as she just flat-out _breathed._ "It's been awhile, Fatso."

Don Accino responded by locking his jaw, presumably to keep from biting clean through his cigar, though for whatever reason he _didn't_ spike the temperature. "Midg—!" he started to rumble before flinching and coughing into his fist. "I mean, _Hiuo."_

Hiuo Hiruno's smile quirked up slightly as she swept one of her arms out. "I trust you recall my beautiful grandsons. My eldest, Pavarotto Hiruno."

I _tried_ to turn my attention to the apparently musical bounty hunter, but the process was made a _bit_ difficult due to the fact that he wasn't standing where I'd last seen him. Rather, he was…

"For the love of _God…"_ I facepalmed in an effort to escape the sight of the smarmy ass kneeling before and holding the hand of an obviously disgusted Arbell.

"Ah, my star-crossed muse," he said, his voice high-pitched and reedy in that way that makes you want to punch whoever it's attached to. "I am so glad to see you again! Once this is over, I shall compose my greatest work, and spread the tale of our love across all the Blues!"

"How… nice…" Arbell bit out, only just managing to bite back her obvious bile in the process. "But as I've already told you _countless times,_ Pavarotto… I'm _already_ spreading the tale of my love across the Blues—!"

"With _me,"_ Salchow snarled, shoving himself between his wife and her… I'll be unduly polite and term him 'admirer'.

Said politeness became even _more_ undue when Pavarotto blankly looked at Salchow for a moment before leaning around him to give Arbell a bemused look. "Still?"

"WELL," Soundbite whistled as Hockera and Brindo restrained a snarling Salchow. " _THAT EXPLAINS the hate-on."_

"Eeyup," I sighed. "Oh, this is gonna be _fun…"_

"And, of course," Hiuo breezed on, entirely ignoring the exchange as she waved at the kid standing at her other side, causing him to flinch fearfully. "My youngest and one of the…" I _swear_ I heard her skin crack as she twisted her mouth into a smile. " _Guests of honor,_ Burrato."

"Uh, a-a-ah…" Burrato swallowed heavily as he stared up at Don Accino's unilaterally massive form and met his impassive gaze, and he shakily raised his hand in an attempt to wave.

"S-S-Satisfacto-oh-no-no-no-I-I-I-mean-Salisbu-t-t-that-is-to-say-Salut-tatio—"

Hiuo's expression didn't even shift an inch as she rammed her heel into her grandson's shin.

It was… a bit disturbing that all the poor bastard did was flinch. "Uh, G-G-Greetings."

Accino scowled, though whether it was at the Hiruno Matriarch's display or the Hiruno Matriarch period I couldn't tell you.

Ignoring said scowl, Hiuo… I _think_ she swept her gaze side-to-side, going by how her head tilted, but it was hard to say with how her eyes were pinched shut. "So, do tell me, where is your contribution to this arrangement of ours, hm? I don't see her anywhere, and I'd _very_ much like to pinch my cute little granddaughter-in-law."

" **Doesn't she mean** _ **pinch her—?"**_ Soundbite asked nervously.

"I doubt it…" I muttered back.

"Lil is in the back," Accino growled as he huffed out a dark cloud of smoke. "And will remain there until the ceremony, as per tradition. For now, I suggest you try and remain patient until the preparations are finished."

"Which I assure you will be within the hour!" Vivi promised as she stepped up with a surprisingly genuine-looking smile. "It's my honor to make the acquaintance of the esteemed matriarch of the Hiruno family. I'm not sure if you recognize me, but—!"

"Oh, no, no, my dear, I assure you, I recognize you perfectly well," Hiuo simpered as she slowly reached her hand out. "Princess Nefertari Vivi, correct?"

Vivi allowed herself to relax marginally as she reached her hand out. Shockingly, Accino actually tensed at that.

"Princess, _don't!"_ he started to protest.

Vivi looked up at him in confusion. "Wha—?"

"Worth… ฿80 Million, I believe?"

_**CRACK!** _

" _YEARGH!"_ Vivi screamed, falling to her knees as she clawed at her suddenly blackened and corpse-like shoulder.

"Your head, that is," Hiuo Hiruno hissed, steam rising up from her point of contact with Vivi's hand as well as the hag's arm, which looked almost frosted over.

"VIVI!" I shouted, sprinting towards her.

" _WAAAACK!"_ Carue howled as he suddenly appeared nearby, dropping from a Shave in favor of charging at the damnable witch. With every intention of doing the same, I reached into my jacket, and promptly swore as I recalled that my baton was long gone, and Funkfreed was still across the room at the gift table.

However, going by the way Pavarotto glanced at the duck and flicked his baton at him dismissively, that was probably a _good_ thing for me. " _Allegro."_

_SKRANG!_

"QUACK!"

I was promptly proven right when three of Pavarotto's quartet suddenly surrounded Carue, bows drawn and at his neck. _Violin_ bows, mind you, complete with full-sized violins and cellos of increasing size that I'd bet my greaves were all made of stupidly tough and, in the case of the bows proper, stupidly sharp metal. Honestly, they just proved I probably wouldn't have been able to do much anyway.

"LOOK OUT!"

_SKRANG!_

"Sonnuva!" I flinched back fearfully as the _fourth_ bastard mirrored his cohorts' actions on _me._ Right, _really_ couldn't have done much.

" _Note to self:_ **find a way to** _ **remotely GASTRO-BLAST**_ WAX," Soundbite hissed murderously.

"Hell, figure out how to Gastro-Blast remotely _period_ and I'll give you enough lettuce to fill a hammock," I hissed back.

"Silence."

_THWACK!_

"HURGH!" I folded around the fist buried in my gut, breath wheezing out of me, and I was vaguely aware of Pavarotto strolling over to leer down at me.

"Impressive, aren't they?" he chuckled, condescension dripping from every syllable. "I acquired them from some… _associates_ of ours, shall we say? In the North Blue. Indeed, my String Quartet's speed and fencing skills are rivaled only by their musical capabilities." His sneer widened as he started running his fingers tenderly over his baton. "Did you know that a good interrogation with a symphony in the background has the added effect of traumatizing the worms in question so that they can never listen to that piece of music again? Ah, to play the same piece again later on and watch them _squirm…_ "

"Ah, b-b-brother!" Burrato attempted to protest, sidling up and laying his hand an inch above his brother's arm. "T-T-There really is no n-n-need for such r-r-repetiti-a-a-ah I m-mean s-such r-r-revoluti-uh, t-t-that is to say—!"

Pavarotto didn't even look up from his baton as he offhandedly thwacked the back of his brother's head.

"—y-yes, brother…" Burrato flinched as he lapsed into silence.

Following that, there was a tense moment as everyone eyed one another warily, broken only by the quiet groans of pain that seeped through Vivi's clenched teeth…

"Tsurarararara…"

And ultimately, Hiuo's malicious chuckling. "You should really learn to keep your pets on a better leash, Fatso," she breathed, her voice reminiscent of some unearthly wraith. "Otherwise, they might give my tender skin a scratch when we turn in their hides for the rewards. And seeing as we wouldn't want that…"

I am not ashamed to admit that I was _deeply_ disturbed by the way the old hag's wrinkled, ancient visage morphed into a mask of icy creases with three gaping holes where her eyes and mouth should have been.

" _Maybe I should just do us all a favor and_ _ **neuter them wholesale…"**_

My heart all but stopped when she lifted her hand at Vivi's face, though that could have also been on account of the surrounding temperatures plummeting to _sub-freaking zero._

" _ **Starting with—"**_

" **ENOUGH."**

Madam Hiruno snapped her hand back with a practically vampiric hiss as the ambient temperature suddenly spiked to several dozen degrees above average, causing trails of steam to waft up from her body.

Accino was steaming as well as he glared down at the frigid witch, only he did so with righteous wrath. "Out," he spat. "Now. Before I melt you into a _puddle."_

The hag stared back at the Don with an unreadable look before chuckling and shaking her head. Allowing her frost to disappear, she turned away, unperturbed by the glares from the Accinos and us. "Seeing as the merchandise is at least semi-secure, we shall leave them in your hands until the ceremony. We shall wait on our ship in the meantime. Come along, everyone." She waved her hand casually as she started shuffling out. "Let us leave the Accinos to, how shall I put it… _play_ at bounty hunting."

The stringfellows lowered their bows as Pavarotto flicked his baton at them, allowing Carue to dash over to Vivi and start to comfort her as the soldiers followed their leaders.

Burrato watched his grandmother fearfully for a moment before hastily dropping into a bow, directed at the Don himself. "M-M-My s-s-syndic-a-ah, m-my s-s-silli-e-e-eh… m-m-my sincerest— _erk!"_ His speech cut off as the passing Pavarotto grabbed his collar and started to bodily drag him down the aisle. The youngest Hiruno eyed his elder sibling hesitantly before settling for a meek wave at the Accinos.

The very second that the door closed behind them, Don Accino knelt next to Vivi and grabbed her blackened arm.

"Hold still," he grunted disdainfully.

"W-What are you— _AGH!"_ Vivi hissed in pain when a blast of steam shot up from her limb.

"You sonnuva—!" Carue started to squawk before Accino pinned him with a heated glare.

"Unless you want her to _lose_ that arm," he snarled. "Shut the hell up and let me fix what that blasted shrimp did."

"And what the hell _did_ she do!?" I demanded indignantly. "Vivi's arm looks like it came out of a ten-round match against Jack-freaking-Frost!"

The surrounding temperature increased, and the man turned a bit redder. But as he refocused his attention on Vivi's arm, the effects diminished slightly. "You're not far off of the mark," he grumbled at last.

"M-Mister Accino?" Vivi managed to groan out as her fingers slowly regained their previous color, which began to spread up the rest of the limb.

"What, you think I hate her for shits and giggles?" the 10,000 Degree Man growled darkly. "The midget's literally my polar opposite, not just in body, but in _abilities_. Consider yourself grateful for my aid; if it weren't for my Hot-Hot Fruit, your arm would have fallen off from the Cold-Cold Fruit's frostbite before your doctor could even _think_ about boiling water."

"…I speak for all of us when I say we appreciate that, Don," I said slowly, shivering for a reason entirely separate from any lingering temperature the Hirunos might have left in their wake. "But why would she—?"

"Because the Hirunos are all sadistic to the core, and they love to see their prey suffer," Brindo snorted. "You know that our modus operandi is gathering pirates and treating them so that they're docile when the Marines get ahold of them. They're delusionally happy, but happy nonetheless."

"Whereas _they_ ," Campacino continued, shaking his head in disgust. "They hand over little more than _corpses_ with heartbeats _._ They sneak aboard the ships of pirates upon the sea under the cover of night, destroy the lines, steering, and any navigational equipment, and then leave them adrift. Then when dawn comes, they have trained birds circle the ship carrying mirrors to direct sunlight at them, cooking the poor bastards in their own beds."

"And just to be _really_ mean," Hockera finished grimly, jabbing his thumb at the doors. "The entire time, that damn gaol ship of theirs is looming on the horizon, just out of firing range but always just in sight. We might gloat sometimes, but that's just bad sportsmanship right there."

I stared at the Accinos in horror before glaring at the yet-silent Don. "And you _want_ your daughter to marry into that family of… of—!"

"'Want'!? Not on your life!" Accino barked viciously, the temperature abruptly spiking as the air around him started to waver. "But I _need_ this marriage! The Hirunos are _vicious_ bastards who never miss an opportunity to steal from or harass my family, attacking my men, raiding Lovely Land for our pacified bounties! And with you pirates becoming stronger and stronger, we can't afford that kind of interference! That's—!"

"Ah, M-Mister Accino!" Vivi hissed, flinching away from him as his rising temperature started to burn her newly rejuvenated arm.

The Don glanced at her before straightening himself up with a hard snort, his anger hanging around him like a haze. Actually, wait, no, that was a proper heat haze rising around him. "Cooperation," he growled as he loomed menacingly, scorching holes in the carpet at his feet. "Or extermination. Our only options. Should the ceremony go as planned, I'll let you all go as wild on the Hirunos as you want before you get the hell out of here. Now get back to work so that we can go down the path where we all _live."_

And with that, he stormed away. I took a couple of seconds to force down my newfound empathy for the Accinos and hatred for the Hirunos before I moved over to Vivi's side. "Are you alright, Vivi?"

The princess blinked at me, then looked down at her arm, grimacing uncomfortably as she flexed her joints. "Mmph… it's numb and I've got pins and needles up my arm, but I think that any lasting damage has been undone. I'll check with Chopper before I get back to supervising things…" She looked back up, her eyes glinting. "But before that, we've got one more thing to do."

I followed her line of sight and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I get you. C'mon, let's—!"

" _Uh, wait real quick._ **Blue twin?** _ **Quick question,"**_ Soundbite asked uneasily as he glanced upwards. "THOSE TRAINED BIRDS _THE HIRUNOS USE…_ _ **THEY**_ _**WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE**_ **VULTURES,** _ **would they?"**_

Both twins blinked. "Actually, yes. Their natural ominousness only underlines their menace, and they get their pickings of any bountiless cadavers the Marines don't want. Why do you ask?"

"…NO REASON _. Hey, Cross, just humor me, would you?_ **Take two… three steps back?"**

I promptly did so, hauling Vivi with me…

_CRASH!_

Just as a light fixture landed where I had been standing two seconds prior. A quick glance up revealed what I _really_ should have expected: two vultures sitting upon the rafters, staring at me with… wait, why did those goggles and the sheer apathy they provided look _familiar?_

… ah, shit.

"…I take it you're acquaintances of Miss Friday?" I managed.

"First cousins," one of the birds droned back.

"But don't worry," the other picked up, voice just as flat. "This isn't personal, we just enjoy killing pirates as a matter of principle."

" **BULLSHIT ON THE PERSONAL PART,** _ **TRUTH ON THE SADIST PART,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"Buzz off, buzzards," Hockera snarled, juggling a puck on his stick. "If anything wrecks this wedding, Papa _and_ your boss are going to be furious."

"Oh?" One of the vultures tilted its head to the side just so. "You mean like you brats are planning?"

The Accino children and Vivi stiffened, but the other vulture waved its wing dismissively.

"Feh, don't worry," it scoffed. "We won't spill anything. After all, what with the chaos you're planning on raising, we'll have our free pickings of Cross's brains—" The other vulture jabbed its wing's elbow into its compatriot's side. "I mean, we'll have our free pickings of _pirate_ brains."

"Have fun raising hell," the first vulture saluted casually, and with that the pair flapped up and away into the shadows of the rafters.

We all stared up after them before Vivi coughed heavily and pulled herself up to her feet. "A-Anyway… Carue. Get back to the gifts, this shouldn't take long."

Carue nodded hesitantly. "Good wuck, Vivi."

"And where do you think you two are going?" Arbell asked as I followed after Vivi. I paused and looked back at her.

"We're going to save your collective rear ends. Are you going to stop us?" I drawled.

She opened her mouth. Then she hesitated. Then she looked away.

"…no," she said at last.

" _I didn't_ _ **think so."**_

And with that, we both began powerwalking down the hallway, until we came to a small shrine for the Virgin Mary where Don Accino was attempting to keep his calm. A feat that was clearly made difficult by our intrusion, based on the fact that the nearest candles flared three times hotter.

" _What is it?"_ he growled, not even deigning to look back at us.

Soundbite and I cast uneasy glances at Vivi, but she didn't even _flinch_ at the attention.

"You mentioned earlier that you were going to attempt to 'get hammered', but when you came out to greet the Hirunos, you were stone cold sober." She said it as a statement, rather than a question.

Don Accino started to turn his head…

"You accomplished that by flaring your temperature and boiling all of the alcohol from your body."

And promptly went ramrod still.

Vivi wasn't even close to finished. "The reason you always go shirtless is that your sweat flash-boils on contact with your skin, and if you wore a shirt, either the moisture would weigh you down or the steam from your collar would cause you to asphyxiate. And when you're alone with your children, you always find your temperature automatically regulating itself to the approximate heat of a campfire: warm and comforting, so that they feel safe."

The Don slowly lumbered around to stare at us, his expression and temperature flickering between hesitant uncertainty and outrage. "How," he growled out furiously.

Vivi, however, met his stare head on. "Don Accino, earlier you said that you're only going through with this wedding because you don't see any other choice to provide for your family's well-being and maintain your bounty-hunting career, with the increasing strength of pirates and the Hirunos harassing you at every turn." She placed her hand on her chest. "I can _give you_ that choice."

The heat dimmed slightly as Accino's anger faded to something of a flat look. "I hope that you don't intend to offer me a position on your crew."

"Trust me, that idea appeals as little to us as it does to you," I stated with a flat look of my own. "But no, this isn't Straw Hat business." I swept my arm out to indicate Vivi. "It's _Alabastan_ business."

Vivi crossed her arms, eyes filled with determination and gaze locked with the Don. "Given the severance of ties with the World Government, the Kingdom of Alabasta still recognizes me as its princess. And with the authority of that title, I would like to offer you the country's highest honor and authority outside of the royal family itself: that of one of the country's Royal Guardians."

Don Accino's eyebrows rose, his anger fading completely in favor of curiosity. "In spite of me not being a Zoan like your current two Guardians?"

That actually got a blink from me. "Wait, how—?"

"Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon, worth ฿50 and ฿55 Million respectively," Accino deadpanned.

"…Right," I coughed into my fist.

Vivi, who I guess had been keeping up with the news of her country more than me, just smiled as she shook her head in denial. "I'm offering the position _because_ you're not a Zoan. You see, the reason I know so much about the finer mechanics of the Hot-Hot Fruit is that in my country, it has another name: the Rage of Alabasta. Your powers are one of my kingdom's national treasures, right alongside Chaka and Pell's…" Her smile twitched slightly as her hand clenched into a murderous grip. "And Crocodile's."

Even behind his sunglasses I could see when Accino blinked in surprise before slowly looking down at his hands. "My powers… are _that_ significant?"

"I can name no fewer than seven instances where your powers have saved my nation and its people, and those were just the instances where its user acted _alone,_ " Vivi confirmed with a wistful smile, before shifting to solemn.

"The Rage was lost to us several centuries ago, when it was stolen by pirates and taken out to sea. And now that I've finally found it again…" Vivi reached into her pocket, withdrew a familiar-looking hourglass-shaped object and held it out to the Don. "I've kept two Eternal Poses to Alabasta with me as a reminder of my home. If you would be willing to travel to and live in Alabasta, I would entrust this one to you so that you could make the voyage. Now more than ever, my father would be grateful beyond measure for your return, and he would be willing to offer you and your family lodgings in the royal palace and all of the luxuries afforded of it. As one of the country's guardians, you would be loved and respected by everyone in the kingdom, and you would have no shortage of fights to preserve your lifestyle _, especially_ in these trying times. Your powers will be at their absolute strongest in the desert, both day and night, and you would have access to all records of past users, to understand the full extent of your abilities."

"And if you're worried about your collection, don't be," I piped up. "Not only will there _always_ be pirates utterly stupid enough to try attacking Alabasta, but with the Marines as your enemy, you'll be able to _double_ your collection. Marine flags might be uniform, but you gotta admit, there's gotta be _something_ appealing about the idea of collecting the coats of officers, no?"

Accino's lips quirked upwards in a brief smirk, then his expression shifted back to neutral.

"I will admit, the offer is very appealing," the Don admitted. "But aside from your knowledge of my powers, however admittedly in-depth… how am I to be sure that you're not simply fabricating everything else, trying to save yourself?"

"If I may?" I piped up, then powered on before Vivi could open her mouth. "You said yourself that you've been listening to the SBS since the first day with almost religious fervor, right? Well, based on that, answer this: would Vivi, almost universally loved in her home nation _Princess_ Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, lie about this?"

Vivi's attention returned to the Don, whose expression was quickly fading into serious contemplation. Seeing that, she smiled, and tucked the pose back into her pocket.

"I'll give you the time you need to think about it. In the meantime, however, we'll continue on the deal we've already made."

She bowed, then began walking back out of the room, and I followed behind her.

"Well, I'd say that went as well as it could have," I cheerfully observed.

"Agreed," Vivi nodded thoughtfully. "Given the drastic change in lifestyle, I wouldn't expect him to accept right away, but given the… _alternative…"_ She shivered, then shook her head. "Either way, though, until he accepts, we need to keep the plans going, if only so that the Hirunos don't suspect anything."

I nodded in agreement, and with that, she raised her monocle to her eye and—

I snapped my hand to my back pocket, and paled when I found the _damned_ piece of glass to be absent. "Ohh, _shite."_ I only had enough time to realize just how utterly I was screwed before she snapped her gaze back to me and practically pinned me like a _bug_.

"So, the next orders of business. Cross, I am going to the kitchen both to tell Sanji to start laying out what food he's finished preparing and to have Chopper look over my arm. You go find Nami, and tell her to recruit Arbell if she's willing so that we can all have _appropriate_ attire for this event. I'll send Chopper to help if he's available, but whatever happens, I won't have us looking like we walked in off the streets. And finally…" She leaned in to snarl in Soundbite's face. " _ **Find. Luffy."**_

" **I-I-I've been** _ **trying!"**_ he whimpered fearfully. "BUT I CAN'T HEAR _him anywhere! It's like_ **HE'S PULLED A ZORO, OR A NAMI!"** He then glanced away and muttered out of the corner of his mouth. " _ **Or a**_ **you."**

" _What was that?"_

" _YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE!"_ Soundbite sang.

"Less using your eyes, _more using your damn ears,"_ Vivi ordered irritably. "And don't you stop until you _find that rubber monkey!_ Am I clear!?"

"Crystal," I managed to sigh rather than bite out.

Nodding, Vivi swept past me and out of the room. As soon as she was out of earshot, I looked at my partner, and pitched my voice low enough that even I couldn't hear it, while at the same time minimizing the movement of my lips.

"Alright, _real_ first things first: keep an eye on that Burrato fellow. I might pity the hell out of him, but the last thing we need is for him to pull a runner…" I coughed a chuckle into my fist as a thought occurred to me. "Or worse, for him to accidentally slap the ring on a _corpse."_

" _ **Not a fan of**_ **Tim Burton?"**

"Oh, no, I am." I shuddered dramatically. "I'm just not a fan of the idea of running through his works _twice in a row."_

"… _I dunno if that sounds FUN OR TERRIFYING."_

"The answer, as it should ever be, is yes. Anyway…" My gaze hardened. "Connect me to Conis."

Soundbite promptly cut his laughter off in favor of our gunner's curious gaze. " _Cross? What's wrong? We just saw the Hirunos leave, is everything alright?"_

"Well, that depends," I borderline snarled. "Do we have any explosives that can be easily and quickly remotely detonated?"

" _Uh… yeah, Usopp, Chopper and I came up with the idea a while back, and we've got a dozen or two working prototypes in Sunny's hold, and… we_ think _that the detonator we worked up with what Soundbite told us about radio waves should work. Why do you ask?"_

I turned a glare in the general direction of the object of my ire. "Because _Madam Hiruno_ decided to try and rot Vivi's arm off with frostbite for _shits and giggles."_

Conis was pointedly silent for a second before slowly glancing to the side. " _So, I'll just go ahead and tell Boss and his students to line their ship's keel, then?"_

"Yeah, you go do that," I agreed, moving to chop my hand across my throat before a thought occurred to me. "Oh, and if the penguins try to stop them, tell them the order came from Arbell. It's technically true anyways."

" _Will do,"_ she nodded, and with that the connection was dropped.

My partner grinned wickedly as I turned around. Then I paused, and spoke again as I started walking, this time not bothering to be quiet. "One more thing: pass on a message to the TDWS…"

As I walked and talked, I worked to suppress a sadistic grin from spreading across my face. This whole thing was shaping up to be one _hell_ of a blowout.

The only potential major hurdle I could think of would be staying out of that Cold-Cold witch's way, but c'mon, how hard could _that_ be?

**~o~**

I really, really needed to hold that seminar on taunting Murphy and why not to do it, even if I even had to practice it in my damned _thoughts_. Of course, that was assuming I made it out of this alive, anyway.

Which I was sort of concerned about, as evidenced by both Vivi and myself inching backwards away from the demonic incarnation of the _seventh damned ring itself_. Seriously, _Aokiji_ was more inviting than the ice-laden pint-sized hag who was freezing the ground and advancing on us at the same rate we were scrambling back from her.

" _I'm going to take my time with your crew,"_ Madam Hiruno hissed. " _I've been slow with many in the past, but you… for this_ insult, _I swear that you will be_ special. _I'm going to kill you. All of you. One by one, slowly enough that your blood will have long congealed before you_ die of starvation and start to—!"

"WHAT'S WRONG, KERATIN ASS!? IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUR AIM IS AS BAD AS YOUR STUDENTS!"

"SUCK AN EGG, LEAD WING!" _**SLAM!**_

In spite of ourselves, all three of us glanced to the side, where Boss and Skipper had apparently gotten into a brawl. Which seemed to have resulted in the floor caving beneath Boss' strength as he slammed his rope-dart down onto the spot where Skipper had been standing on the Franky-grade food table moments earlier. Which seemed to have turned it into a seesaw, sending the cauldron of 'punch' (or, as I preferred to more accurately call it, _freshly cooked lava)_ flying up and up and _up,_ and then it started falling. Upside-down. _Right towards us._

" **MOVE, DIPSHITS!"**

Thanks to Soundbite's ear-rending interjection, Vivi and I managed half-scramble, half-leap away from the cauldron's point of impact. Hiuo Hiruno, however, rooted to the floor as she was by her layering of ice, did _not._

Point of fact? She _was_ the point of impact, the cauldron slamming down on exactly the spot she was standing through some insane twist of fate and utterly _engulfing_ her in its unholy liquids.

There was a singular, brief moment of silence, even in the roaring madness of the church-encompassing brawl, and then…

" _YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"_ the witch's screech of unholy agony all but rent the air. " _IT BURNS! IT BUUURNS! THE AGONY, THE AAAGONY! I'M MELTING!_ MEEEEELTIIIIING!"

Soundbite winced at the screams before snickering. " **I WILL** _ **NOT**_ **HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING!"**

The little imp's tar (or 'punch', either or) black humor kickstarted my mind back into action, allowing me to grin maniacally as I turned my gaze to the nearest combatant and raised a finger. "Check, please!"

" _YOU!"_

" _Oi, this guy…"_ Soundbite and I chorused under our breaths, glancing up at Pavarotto. The Hirunos' conductor, much like the rest of the Hirunos, honestly, had seen _much_ better days. His dignified sliminess had been reduced to pathetic shreds under an earlier onslaught that had left him with tattered, stained, burned clothes and livid red blistered skin everywhere else.

In hindsight? I think that the raging shiner I gave him right when shit hit the fan might have been overkill.

"You… You raging _bastards…"_ Pavarotto huffed and wheezed breathlessly. "When I'm… through with you…" He shakily raised what was left of his baton at us. "You're not going to be fit… for _mince—!"_

" **SHUT IT!"**

_THWACK!_

" _Ooooh…"_ Soundbite and I winced sympathetically as a haymaker from Vivi laid the conductor out flat. Yeah, if he wasn't fit to be swallowing teeth _before—?_

Vivi snorted fiercely as she glared at the downed bounty hunter. "Right, that's him dealt with…" She snapped her furious gaze back to me. "Now as for _you."_

I took a second to process that before adopting a deadpan. "Really? You _really_ want to do this again? Here? _Now!?"_

The flat look on her face answered that question clearly enough, prompting me to roll my eyes. And then we rammed our foreheads together and started spitting fire in one another's faces.

"If it wasn't for your freaking obsessive—!"

"It's _your_ fault with all the sabotage you—!"

"You outright said _before we started this shitfest_ that it wouldn't go—!"

"And how much of that was by design instead of—!"

"It's your fault, Vivi!"

"No, it's _your_ fault, Cross!"

"NO, IT'S—wait a second," I interrupted myself, drawing back and cupping my chin with a contemplative frown. "When I really think back about it, while this chaos isn't my fault—!"

Vivi hissed in a furious breath.

"It's not like it's really _yours,_ either!"

_That_ got a blink of surprise from Vivi, and she was silent for a second before she rolled her fingers.

"Look, in the end?" I spread my hands helplessly. "No matter how you cut it, all you did was set up the cards, and given the context you gave me, I can't _really_ find it in me to blame you for that."

Vivi matched my frown, cupping her chin as well. "And… honestly, all _you_ did was capitalize on the chaos once everyone started yelling, right… But, wait, if it's not your fault, and it's not mine…"

"MOVE IT, YOU TWO!" Zoro barked as he jogged past us with Luffy balanced on his shoulder.

" _MMMPH! MMMPH!"_ Luffy hollered, struggling against the length of rope that he'd been hogtied into.

She watched them both with a heavy sweatdrop. "And it's definitely not _Luffy's_ , seeing as I personally cut _that_ train of nonsense off at the pass…"

" **Then the fault** _ **goes to**_ _whoever_ CAUSED _THIS WHOLE_ _ **HULLABALOO**_ **IN THE FIRST PLACE. As I recall,** _the exact KICKOFF WAS…?"_ Soundbite trailed off uncertainly.

"Oh, yeah, most definitely, we can't argue that," I nodded in agreement, surreptitiously ducking a plate that had thrown at my head in the same movement.

"But that was only the exact event!" Vivi protested. "And I don't see how _that_ could have happened without _some_ kind of involvement from our crew! So the real question is, _who—?"_

"If you're both quite finished?"

"GAH!"/"SONNUVA!"

Vivi and I both jumped in shock, on account of the ex-assassin who'd just popped up next to us.

"Freaking _hell,_ Robin!" I snarled in her _way_ too calm face. "Wear a damn bell, would you!?"

"If you _must_ insist on maintaining your habit of sneaking up on people and giving them heart attacks, can you limit it to _non-life-or-death_ situations?" Vivi agreed waspishly.

"I'll take that into consideration," Robin chuckled before casting a wary glance at the ongoing brawl. "But in all seriousness, I _think_ they're starting to break out the guns, so we should really—!"

" **SON OF A FEATHER-RAT!"**

I jumped at Soundbite's sudden holler and shot a glare at him. "What the hell, slimeball?! I know you've always been slow, but this is a new—!"

"NOT THAT, DILLWEED!" Soundbite roared back. " _I JUST REMEMBERED!_ _ **I KNOW WHAT KICKED THIS WHOLE SHITFEST**_ **INTO MOTION!"**

**~o~**

**-30 MINUTES REMAINING-**

"Um, excuse me?"

Robin looked up from the book she was reading, her eyes looking around curiously…

"Down here!"

Her attention was drawn downward to a lone penguin standing at her feet and waving at her.

"Hello!" the penguin pleasantly greeted her.

"Ah, hello there." She shut her book and smiled politely. "Private, was it? Am I needed outside?"

"Ah, nonono, we've got everything handled out there, no need to bother yourself!" the penguin smiled pleasantly before looking down sadly. "I'm, ah… I'm here to ask something of a personal favor from you. You seem like a… nice enough person, I suppose, and you're not doing anything, so I was hoping… would you mind going into the back and having a quick talk with Lil?"

Robin raised an eyebrow. "You mean the youngest Accino, who's meant to be the bride of this event?"

"Ah… yeah, her…" Private scratched the back of his head, not looking Robin in the eye. "You see, nobody in the family is with her right now, and… well, considering that we penguins can't usually talk, she often uses us to vent and all that and, well, ah…" He shrugged helplessly. "Well, we're _penguins._ There's only so much we can do, but we… well, _I,_ everyone else is a bit busy… _I_ think it would really help if she had, I dunno, someone to talk to who could talk back. So…" The cute penguin grinned uncertainly. "If you wouldn't mind—?"

"There you are, Private!"

"GRK!" The penguin fearfully snapped to attention when Skipper's voice suddenly piped up, the lead penguin sliding up to his subordinate. "A-Ah, h-hey, Skipper! Sorry about disappearing like that, I-I was just, ah…"

"Ooooh, say no more, Private, I know exactly what you're doing here!" Skipper waved him off before snapping a glare at Robin. "You're here because of _her."_

"…eh?" Private blinked in confusion, while Robin merely cocked her other eyebrow.

"Worry not, Private, I know _exactly_ how these things go! _This_ menacing succubus—" He snapped his wing up at Robin. "Was trying to use her feminine wiles to trick you, poor, innocent Private, into bailing on us and joining that travelling troupe of trouser-less troubadours that passes by every few months! You know the ladies love us Fierce Penguins, and someone as cute and cuddly as you would fetch a lot of money showing off the physique _I_ sculpted!"

Robin did not bother responding; she had enough experience with that magnitude of paranoia to know that the only reliable options were ignoring them if they weren't a threat or killing them if they were. And though she'd done a lot of dishonorable things over the years, she liked to imagine that she was above animal cruelty. At least when Soundbite wasn't involved, at any rate.

"S-S-Skipper, I'm fine, I was just—MMPH?!"

"Shhhh sh sh sh, Private," Skipper said soothingly, a wing clamped over the rookie's beak. "I know that your poor, innocent brain must be _reeling_ from the sheer betrayal I've uncovered, but I swear, no matter how many years of grueling, intensive therapy it takes, I _will_ see you set straight again! Let's get started! Rico!"

" _MMPH!?"_ Private squawked fearfully when his wild-eyed comrade suddenly popped up next to him with a manic grin.

"Yah-huh?" the psycho-penguin squawked curiously.

"Take Private down to Kowalski and give him an 'Enies Double-Down', stat!"

"Gatcha!" Rico nodded eagerly, hoisting his comrade above his head and waddling away.

" _HAAALP!"_ Private squawked as he fearfully and futilely flailed his wings.

Skipper nodded before snapping a glare at Robin. "And as for _you."_ He maintained eye contact for a few minutes, and then snapped his flippers from the sides of his eyes to her. He repeated the motion a few times before finally sliding away on his stomach.

"…I will never _not_ be amazed, will I…" the archaeologist sighed. Nevertheless, seeing as she'd already brushed up on her musical skills, it wasn't as though she had anything better to do, and as such it wasn't that hard of a choice for her to shut her book and head towards the bridal chamber.

As she was about to enter the room, however, she paused at quiet sound reaching her ears, one that she recognized immediately. She promptly rapped her knuckles on the door. "Hello, Miss Lil? Is everything alright?"

The sound immediately cut off, and a few seconds later the door cracked open, allowing Lil to stare apathetically at Robin. "Oh, it's you," she drawled. "What do you—?"

In her usual procedure, Robin produced an arm inside the doorjamb and used it to shove Lil back, so that she could open the door and slide her way in, shutting the door behind her.

From there, however, she had to change her tactics a bit. This time, rather than immediately snapping her target's neck, she dropped into a kneeling position and drew Lil into a hug.

"W-W-What the—?" Lil sputtered in shock.

"I've had to muffle my own crying enough times that I know what it sounds like," Robin said quietly. "Take it from someone who knows: keeping it all locked away and letting it fester inside isn't a good habit."

Lil stiffened furiously at the words, before clamping onto Robin and burying her face in her shoulder. All at once, the tears started flowing, and she cried freely. Robin held the young tamer close, simply reassuring her with her physical presence.

After a few minutes of sobbing, Robin and Lil moved to sit on a couch in the room, with Robin gently rubbing the girl's back as she got her breath back.

"…Thank you. That helped," she said quietly.

"I'm glad, but what's wrong that you were crying?" Robin asked.

Lil let out a scoff filled to the brim with exasperation. "Well, the first part of what's wrong is that _you're_ the very first person to ask me that since Papa came up with this plan in the first place!" She flailed her arms furiously. "Sure, you all know that we don't want to go through with this wedding, that we're only doing it because it's the only choice we have for keeping things safe for us. All of us know that. But despite that, _nobody ever asked my damn opinion!"_

Lil leapt off the couch and started pacing furiously, clawing at her hair. "Seriously, I felt like bashing my head against the wall when Papa told your crewmates that it would be, and I quote, 'the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most.' Papa didn't ask me about going through with this before he recruited all of you, and Arbell didn't ask if I _didn't_ want to go through with this before she asked your crew to sabotage the whole thing!"

"But…" Robin tilted her head to the side curiously. "She's correct, I take it?

" _I DON'T—!"_ Lil cut herself off, and continued her ranting more quietly. "I don't _know._ I don't want to be related in any way to the Hirunos. That woman, she's… she's a _monster_ , but…" She lowered her head into her hand, sighing. "I hate the witch. I hate that stuck-up conductor, I hate their vultures, and I hate the rest of her brood. But Burrato… I've met him before. Went to a school with him for a while, before Papa and the witch found out that we were _both_ going there and they leveled the place. Our similar ages are the only reason this whole farce is happening in the first place, but as much as I don't want to get married to the Hirunos…"

She groaned and trudged back to the couch, sinking into the seat. "The fact is that if we keep fighting each other, if the grudge keeps up, then he could be hurt, or worse. And if I break it off, I know that he'll probably be hurt too, and… and he just doesn't _deserve_ that. So, what do I _do?"_

Robin was silent for only a moment before smiling lightly. "So in summary, you're caught between what your family wants and what your groom _needs_. If I might be honest, it sounds like you've become your own worst enemy."

Lil shot a despondent glance at her impromptu confidant. "And how's that."

"Because now you're doing the exact same thing you complained about your family doing." Robin tapped her finger against Lil's forehead. "You're not considering what _you_ want."

Lil blinked. Then her expression became flat again. "…And what am I supposed to do if _I don't know what that is?"_

Robin chuckled softly. "Speaking as someone who has only very recently discovered what I want out of my life? I believe it will make itself clear when the time is right."

"…that is an unsatisfying, unhelpful answer."

Robin cocked her head to the side with a kind smile. "There's only one answer to that accusation: _Pirate."_

The girl scowled at that answer, but before she could respond, she was interrupted.

_CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!_

Lil glanced upward, her expression fearful. "The bells… that means…"

"Lil?"

Said girl nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a sudden knock on the room's door, and Arbell's voice came through.

"Lil, it's just about time for the ceremony. Do you want me to help you put on your dress?"

"…No. No, I'm old enough, I can handle it myself," Lil replied neutrally, looking at Robin all the while.

"Well…" Arbell hesitated before sighing reluctantly. "Alright, if you say so. Papa will be here in a couple of minutes to accompany you. I… I'm sorry that things have managed to get this far, but… I don't know why, but I honestly think that the Straw Hats will be able to pull this off."

Slowly, a smile came over Lil's face to match Robin's. "You know… I think they will too."

"Heh, glad to hear it. Well, I'll see you on the altar soon, baby sister."

"Yeah, see you soon!" Lil called out. She then listened intently to the sound of her sister's footsteps leaving before shooting a panicked look at Robin. "I was lying through my teeth, I have no idea how to put that dress on and you have, like, twenty hands and _help me!"_

**-o-**

**-5 MINUTES REMAINING-**

I let out a sigh of relief as I walked next to Vivi, who was slowly sliding her finger down a clipboard as she listed items off.

"Alright, let's list off. The buffet?"

I cast a wary glance at the only just not-on-fire table that I could _feel_ heat radiating from. "Inedible for anyone on the face of the planet aside from the Don, Ace, Akainu, and possibly _dragons_ , but complete and looking… halfway presentable." I repressed a shudder as I eyed the big black bubbling cauldron of evi—I mean _punch,_ which was set at the end of the spread. "Though the punch especially is unsalvageable. I have no idea how it's possible to cook something hot enough to melt steel, but I'm fairly certain that Sanji managed it."

"Mmph," Vivi tsked dismissively. "The decorations?"

"Lookin' _super!"_ Franky cheered as he struck a pose before the surprisingly fractally ornate decorations he'd set up around the hall. "Complete _and_ reinforced against hot and cold."

"I think that the paintings I did up there should work too," Usopp nodded as he jabbed his thumb upward. "Though I still couldn't get the twins to agree on a color scheme, so I went with both. Does it look good?"

"Satisfactory." Vivi gave him an offhanded thumbs-up without even a glance. "The gifts?"

"Sowted and awwanged as best as we could manage," Carue confirmed, saluting next to the table of wrapped gifts he and Funkfreed were flanking. He then flinched hesitantly as he scratched the back of his head. "Though, ah, thewe's still a _bit_ of an issue. Wemembah that pygmy sperm whale, da one with da tentacles? Well, ah, how ta put dis…"

"GAH!" Lassoo gasped as he jabbed his ink-stained head out from under the table, panting desperately. "It had… a friend… and it definitely had _squid_ blood… because this pygmy humpback whale… has _octopus_ blood…"

"Seriously, this is _ridiculous,_ " Funkfreed groused as he rooted around under the table with his trunk. "How the hell is that thing even _more_ vicious than the sperm whale!? It has _less_ tentacles, shouldn't the viciousness go down with the number of— _YEOW!"_ he yelped as he snapped his trunk back. "Which one bit me!?"

"ME, YOU LEATHERY ASSHOLE!" Su yowled. "WATCH WHO YOU GROPE WITH THAT THING, DAMN IT!"

"Hweehweehwee—huh?" Lassoo's chuckling cut off in favor of a confused glance behind himself before paling. "Nononono— _YIPE!"_ Aaaand with that he was yanked back under the table and the scuffle resumed.

"…Well, if nothing else, whoever sent those things are certainly getting their money's worth," I remarked.

"Well, as long as they're not going anywhere for now… alright. The cake?"

"A genuine masterpiece," I said sincerely, eyeing the ten-tiered pastry. "With any luck, it should serve to tide everyone over if they get hungry."

"Music?"

"Robin?" I called over to the organ.

I was answered by a _very_ familiar tune.

" **Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor,** _ **niiiice,"**_ Soundbite whistled.

"Yeah, it's handled," I deadpanned, trying and failing to shake the uneasy feeling that had come over me.

"Guests?"

"Nami?" I asked.

" _I can see several ships fast approaching on the horizon now,"_ she informed us, before contorting Soundbite's mouth into a grimace. " _But… unless I'm counting wrong? There are about… half as many more on their way here than we originally planned. And I don't think they're here for the cake, either."_

"We'll deal with them if they try anything," Vivi waved her off dismissively. "Moving on. Bride and groom?"

I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Lil's in the back with her family, the Hirunos are on their ship, waiting for the appropriate time. Accino insisted that we swap who approached the altar, but I don't think it'll be that big of a deal. Ah…" I glanced hesitantly at her. "Right?"

"Mmm," Vivi waved her hand indifferently, thankfully enough. "Everyone dressed properly?"

"For the most part," I nodded, accompanied by a tug at the collar of my freshly stitched tux.

"I'll second that 'for the most part'," Boss grunted, fiddling with the rinky-dink bowtie that he and the rest of his students had been fitted with. "Though I _still_ don't see the point of this damn _high-society noose!"_

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded emphatically as he yanked at his own bowtie. "We all go around _naked,_ for Pete's sake!"

"Oh, I dunno!" Private mused eagerly as he poked his tie. "I think that these make us all look rather dashing, don't they?"

"Yeah, you _would,_ wouldn't you?" Raphey growled darkly, looking mere moments away from wringing the penguin's neck.

"No, Private is actually quite right," Kowalski mused, drawing out his abacus and slapping its beads about. "These bowties actually serve to increase our cuteness by a factor of 6.7, our complimentality has matured by a full 105 points, and our suavity has increased by 15.78%."

"Ah… actually, if I may?" Donny flicked a few of the abacuses beads before grinning. "You forgot to carry the 6."

Kowalski eyed the results for a second before blinking. "So I did. Make that 16.22%. Thank you for your assistance."

"Heh, no proble—!"

_THWACK!_

"OW!"

"No fraternizing with the enemy," Boss ordered.

"Aww, what's wrong, Bessy?"

Boss set his jaw as Skipper sidled up to him, sneering all the while.

"Can't handle your subordinates not doing every little thing you say?" the lead penguin asked. "Because that's where you and I differ! Me, I trust my boys implicitly, to always do what they have to and to never do anything stupid or dangerous! Right, Rico?"

"Eh?" Rico looked away from the bunch of swords he'd been juggling and hastily hid them behind his back with a too-wide grin. "Ah… yeh yeh yeh!"

"You monochrome little…" Boss scowled at the penguin.

"Shell-headed piece of…" Skipper leered right back.

"No fighting until we're actually done here!" Vivi ordered harshly.

"YES'M!" The pair snapped into mirrored salutes, though they were still glaring at each other out of the corners of their eyes.

"Anyway… the last item I can think of would be…" Vivi trailed her finger down the clipboard, adopting a scowl once it came to a halt. "Luffy. Whose location I'm guessing we _still_ don't know?"

"Huh? What are you talking about? I'm over here!"

Vivi, Soundbite and I snapped our heads around to the sight of Luffy standing a short distance away, behind the cross-shaped pool, on a chalked-out X and holding a long piece of rope that ran up to the ceiling. Wait, _what?_

"Captain?" I asked, trying to ignore the sudden yawning chasm in my gut. "Where exactly have you been?"

"Shishishi! I've been working on this!" Luffy answered, pointing his finger upward. "See, since I knew that Sanji wasn't going to let me anywhere near the food table—"

"For the record, you mean the _literally hot-as-a-volcano_ food table," Vivi flatly clarified.

"Yeah, that one! Anyway, I figured since Sanji and Chopper wouldn't let me near it, I'd have to get it a different way. So, I decided to be _smart!_ I borrowed some of Franky's spare blueprints, and made this _biiig_ contraption that'll bring all the food right over to _this_ X!" Luffy grinned, brushing his sandal across the chalk. "So, all I need to do is yank on _this_ rope, and then—!"

"I've heard enough," Vivi interrupted. "Luffy, if you'd be so kind, would you mind standing still for a second?"

"Eh?" Luffy blinked at her in surprise. "Ah… sure thing, Vivi, why do you ask?"

"So that I can do _this!"_

Vivi sped over to Luffy so fast I _swear_ she Shaved, and then… well, if there was any lingering doubt in my mind before that she was a master of rope-like weaponry, the fact that she _hogtied Luffy_ in the small amount of rope that was within reach, in a matter of _seconds_ , removed it.

"…welp," I drawled, eyeing Luffy's tangled form with a decent amount of awe. "That's certainly one way to put him out of commission."

"GET ME DOWN FROM HE—MMPH?!"

Vivi dusted off her hands as she walked back over to me. "Not even _he_ can or will chew through a gag of salt beef. And it's not technically mutiny if he hasn't completed the order."

"…Note to self: never, ever get involved in a wedding again," I muttered.

" **With our luck?** _ **Fat chance."**_

"Actually, I think this one is actually a safe bet," I stated; after all, the only other wedding I knew of in the story was the one on Thriller Bark that never was, and wouldn't ever even have a remote chance to _be_ if I had anything to say about it. So, given Oda's stance on romance, once this mess was over, I would never have to deal with a wedding again. And _certainly_ not another arranged wedding made for the sake of a military alliance.

" _ **BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

I jumped fearfully as Soundbite suddenly started cackling at the top of his lungs like a lunatic _._ "Sonnuva— _what's so flipping funny!?"_

" _I-I-I don't know!"_ Soundbite wheezed through his laughter. "I-I-IT FEELS LIKE I JUST HUFFED _A FULL TANK OF DAMN NITROUS!"_

"Well, whatever's wrong, _fix it,"_ Vivi ordered. "And once you have…"

She took a deep, calming sigh, and turned a determined look on the doors.

"Tell everyone to get into position. We're starting."

**-o-**

**-TIME'S UP-**

That done, I quickly parked myself at the head of the church, set off from the side of the altar. From there I had an excellent view of the guests filing in, and boy howdy, it was a colorful cast indeed.

For starters, Nami had been perhaps understating things just a tad. It seemed like every two-bit mercenary, bounty hunter, and Government privateer within a hundred-mile radius was crammed into the pews. And in an impressive display of the sheer influence of the Accino and Hiruno families, they had immediately divided themselves into two very well-armed camps, each taking half the pews.

The Accino side looked… dignified. Professional. There was a lot of gray hair. These guys were all veterans, their clothes subdued and well-suited for both a wedding and a battle. Weapons, ranging from mundane swords and pistols all the way up to a ten-foot-long katana and a hammer I had glimpsed that had six gun barrels built into its head, were politely stowed but easily within reach. Overall, the image of the bounty hunter the community probably liked to present: distinctive, yet respectable.

The Hiruno side was more diverse, and far less respectable. Oh, there were some guys that would have fit in on the Accino side if they added some salt to their pepper, but for the most part? They were a bunch of hooligans with weapons, hollering and jeering at the Accino side, waving weapons that were kludged together when they weren't basic crap, and dressed mostly like they'd rolled out of bed after a week-long bender. But the universal theme? Youth. These guys were young, disrespectful upstarts throughout.

To put it another way, the split mirrored the situation of the main families eerily well. It was almost as though some greater power had planned it all _oh I'm going to KILL that omnipotent shitstain one day_.

Speaking of main families, the key Accinos—Lil, Don, and Arbell—were parked at the altar. Don and Lil had looks of intense concentration, brows furrowed, lips pursed, and gazes looking out at nothing. Arbell, meanwhile, merely wore a mask of resigned anticipation, though a good part of that could have been due to Salchow being seated with the rest of the Accinos. Seriously, the bond those two shared was as sickening as it was heartwarming.

I have to admit, though, Lil's dress looked _stunning._ It was the usual bright white, and from her neck down to mid-thigh it was covered in rough ridges and surprisingly form-fitting. Below mid-thigh the skirt flared out, and it left her arms bare. A belt of roses completed the dress. The accessories were few but effective: a silver bracelet with a blue gem set in it, and the usual veiled headdress.

I had barely finished my observations when the doors to the church flew open, Burrato, Hiuo, and Pavarotto striding in like they owned the place. While the latter two looked exactly the same as they had when we first met them, Burrato was dressed in a well-fitted tux, and honestly? He looked pretty good in it. The power of a good tailor, everyone. Sadly, though, no amount of high fashion could serve to wipe away the terrified and twitchy look the poor guy had on his face.

Anyway, as Burrato started towards the aisle, Robin produced a few extra arms and set about tickling the ivories, filling the air with the dulcet sounds of… of… _NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN!?_

"ON IT!" I cut Vivi off before she could say a word, sped along _quite_ a bit by the room flooding with conflicting waves of hot and cold air. As such, it was straight to the organ and grabbing Robin's arms. " _What the hell do you think you're doing!?"_ I hissed incredulously.

"Playing… music?" she asked, visibly ignorant of what the issue was. "What's wrong? I thought that was an appropriate piece?"

"An appropriate—!? Haven't you _ever_ been to a wedding before!?" I demanded.

Robin's look fell flatter than a piece of paper.

" _I mean to assassinate somebody!"_

"Oh." She blinked in surprise. "Well, yes, plenty of times, but usually I was efficient enough to be done before things could actually get underway, and even if both halves of the involved parties were still alive, they never really felt like going through with the ceremony."

"Grrghghh…" I groaned. Then, shaking my head, I began flipping through the pages of the book until I came to the wedding march. "Just… _play this,_ alright?"

Robin nodded and started playing again, and I was forced to run right back and jab my finger at the _opposite_ page in the damn book. "The one literally titled Wedding March," I ground out. "Not _Hall of the freaking Mountain King!"_

Robin blinked at the sheet music for a moment before smiling sheepishly at me. "Yes, that _would_ make sense, wouldn't it?"

I could only groan and slap my hand to my face as I started shuffling back towards the altar. "And we are off to a _spectacular_ start…"

" _Why didn't you just have_ **ME** _**play the damn song!?"**_

"Two reasons: first, it's more genuine coming from somebody actually playing, rather than from you copying it off the boob-tube—!"

" _HURTFUL!"_ Soundbite chirped cheerfully.

"And _second!_ …if we let you do it, then you'd probably play a version composed solely of _farts_."

" _ **YEAH,**_ **I would…"** the evil snail sighed wistfully.

Finally, Robin started up the appropriate music, and the Hirunos set off down the aisle. Aside from the organ, the church was _dead_. You could have heard a mote of _dust_ land. Which is probably the only reason I heard an odd knocking sound, like two ceramic tiles being banged together.

"What is—" I began, only for Soundbite to pre-empt me.

" _Burrato's knees._ **KNOCKIN' LIKE** _**Marines without a warrant."**_

A glance confirmed that yes, Burrato's knees were knocking together like mad. Ah, well. As long as he got up to the altar and stayed standing long enough, it wouldn't matter.

Despite that, though, that pit in my stomach from earlier had returned full-force, and wasn't going away. I was missing something, clearly, but what? We'd done all the setup, the wedding itself was so far going just fine… what the hell else could we have done?!

It wasn't until Burrato stepped up to the altar next to Lil that I realized what was going on, and I could _feel_ my eyes popping out. And Don and Vivi, from their bug-eyed, slack-jawed expressions, grasped the problem, too.

"Where…" Vivi snarled, steadily crushing her clipboard between her hands. "In the name of Osiris' rotting. Blue. _Crotch. Is the PRIEST?!"_ She emphasized the last word by snapping her clipboard in half.

Okay, I take back what I said earlier: _this_ was dust-drop silence, because she was right. No priest. No priest, no wedding. A mercenary took that moment to come up to Vivi, and whispered in her ear.

"WHAT IN RA'S NAME DO YOU MEAN 'THE PRIEST IS GONE'?!" Vivi _would_ have roared if Soundbite hadn't had the forethought to slash her volume.

"W-W-We tried to tell you earlier!" the mercenary stuttered. "Apparently, he thought that your crewmate's epithet of 'D-Devil Child' was literal, and he—!"

I caught Vivi's arm before she could successfully grab the poor mook's neck. "Run, _now,"_ I hissed. Thankfully, the poor bastard had the brains to do just that.

Vivi wrenched her limb from my grip and threw her hands up in exasperation. "Well, we're going to need a replacement, then."

She then promptly turned towards _ME?!_ "Take the damn book, get on the altar, and _do this thing_."

"Ah-buh-I-you—WHAT THE FUCK?! How the hell am _I_ qualified for this?! I don't have any authority here! In case you forgot, I got these—!" I held up my metal-encased arm and waved it in her face. " _Rejecting_ the existence of God! You should know, seeing as you were _there!"_

"The captain of a ship has the authority to marry people," Vivi frigidly informed. "But seeing as he's…"

"MMMMPH!"

" _Indisposed_ at the moment, then that privilege goes down the chain of command. I wouldn't put Zoro up there if he was the last man on earth; Nami's a woman and while the church might be liberal it's not _that_ liberal, so that just leaves _you."_

"But—!" I tried to protest, but Vivi cut _that_ train of thought off when she grabbed my collar and dragged me in close.

" _So either you go and get on that pillar, OR I WILL PUT YOU OVER IT!"_

I was a _wee_ bit confused by that threat… uuuntil I noticed the fact that my _namesake_ was hanging over the altar, which was my signal to _get a damn move on!_

So saying, I hastily ran up the steps to the altar, snatched up the Bible, turned around, and found myself facing a sea of rather unhappy-looking individuals.

"…Soundbite, think you can feed me the jargon?" I hissed desperately.

" _TOO MANY VARIATIONS!_ _ **Wrong one and**_ _we're screwed!"_ Soundbite shot back before glancing down at the good book. "ISN'T THAT THING _**FAMOUS FOR HAVING**_ **ALL THE ANSWERS!?"**

"Worth a shot," I conceded, flipping the book open to the table of contents. I knew that this was a one in a million shot, but— _wedding vows section!?_ I was grinning ear to ear as I flipped to the appropriate page. Hell, it looks like I might have been wrong in my beliefs all al—!

My eye twitched furiously as I found the appropriate page.

Nope, still right. Maybe back home I could be wrong, but here? Definitely no God. There was definitely a devil though, and one who had my name on speed dial.

The reason for these blasphemous thoughts? Because apparently, where most people found their strength in the Lord, the previous owner of this book found it _in the damn flask he'd managed to stash by cutting out the pages!_

"Soundbite?" I growled as I _very_ slowly closed the book's covers.

" _Yeah?"_

"If we make it out of this alive, remind me to ask you-know-who to make that priest allergic to alcohol."

" **Can do."**

Still, pissed as I was, the fact remained that I was standing in the crosshairs of a damned _army_ of bounty hunters, so either I let something come out of my mouth, or I'd be getting a bullet in my _skull._

Years of sitcoms, don't you dare fail me now!

"Ah… d-dearly beloved," I started hesitantly. "W-We are gathered here today, with the purpose of joining the scions of these two, uh…" I felt a sweatdrop weigh on my head as I tried to come up with an appropriate description. " _Honorable_ families in blessed matrimony. So, uh… uh…"

My blood ran both hot and cold as the leaders of the two families glared at me, but no amount of terror could make my mind draw anything but a damn blank. Damn you, years of sitcom, why the hell did you have to fail me _now?!_

…fuck it, I was a dead man anyway, might as well ram it in.

"Do you?" I asked.

There was a moment of stunned silence as Lil and Burrato exchanged confused looks, and then Lil slowly raised a finger. "Er… what?"

I sent a miserable glance skyward. "Want to get married?" I groaned.

Aaaand just like that I felt like I was getting simultaneously burned alive, frozen solid, _and_ stabbed in the back of my head. Son of a bitch, if I wanted to make it out of this alive, I'd need the luck of the Irish!

Lil's face went blank, her body frozen in its previous position and a myriad of thoughts clearly rushing through her mind. Finally, she bowed her head, the shadows hiding her eyes. "…No."

I twitched as I tried to process what I'd just heard. "Come again?"

"I said no." Lil snapped her head up, a fire blazing in her eyes. "No, I _don't_ want to get married!"

Screw the Irish, I was going to need the luck of the damn _devil!_

_Especially_ seeing as Hiruno and Accino were ramping the temperatures in the room to _Ragnarok levels._

" _I suggest that you reconsider your words, you little—!"_ Hiuo started to hiss murderously.

" **If you lay one hand on my daughter, I swear that you won't leave this building alive if it means I have to go down with you,"** Don Accino promised. Then he turned to face his daughter, the temperature dropping to marginally more comfortable levels. "And Lil—!"

"I'm _not_ doing it, Papa!" Lil snapped, shaking her head.

"Lil," he… not quite pleaded, but still. "Your family _needs_ you to—!"

"No, you _want_ me to do it for the family, Papa!" she interrupted. "And this entire time, through this _entire_ ordeal, you haven't asked me even _once_ what _I_ wanted! Has it even occurred to you that even if this could help our family, _I don't want to get married yet!?"_

"Lil, without this marriage, our family—!" the Don started to protest.

"I want our family to survive, Papa, I do," Lil reassured him before scowling at Hiuo. "But more than that, I want our family to _live._ And that's not going to happen if we have to work with a _monster_ who's barely a step above those we _hunt!"_

" _You little—!"_ Hiuo started to snarl.

" **BACK. OFF,"** Accino shot back, looming ominously over the midget.

"Burrato, what about you?"

Both of the temperature titans turned their attention back towards their children, as the would-be bride spoke to the would-be groom, who had raised his head in response to Lil's voice.

"A-A-Ah, I-I-I—!" the poor bastard started to stammer.

Lil's expression fell flat, and she beckoned him towards her with her finger. "Burrato, you mind leaning down for a second?"

"Eh? Uh, s-s-sure," Burrato nodded shakily as he did just that. "W-W-Why d-d-do you—?"

Lil grabbed his cheeks and dragged him close so that she was staring him dead in the eyes. "Burrato!" she ordered. "I am asking you, _ordering you_ if I have to, to _pull yourself together!_ For five minutes! Can you do that? Can you grow a pair for _five minutes?"_

Burrato's mouth silently worked as he tried to come up with a response, _any_ response to his bride-to-be, finally screwing his eyes shut. "I… no." He spoke quietly, but with an unmistakable stout foundation. "No. I don't want to get married, either."

" _ **WHAT,"**_ Hiuo grit out.

"Do _shut up, brother!"_ Pavarotto snarled, shooting his hand into his jacket for his baton. "You obviously don't know what you're—!"

"No, brother, I _do_ know what I'm saying!" Burrato snapped, wheeling around and jabbing his finger in his sibling's face. "And what I'm saying is that I'm done staying under you and Grandmother's heels! A-All my life I've let you bully me, let you push me around. B-But now…" Burrato glanced back at Lil for a second before returning his glare to his family. "But now I'm _done!_ I'm done being your whipping boy! Heck, I'm done with this entire _family!_ I don't want to be a bounty hunter, and I'm not going to _be_ one!"

Burrato raised his chin proudly as he thumbed out the edges of his jacket. "I'm going to follow my lifelong dream! I'm going to be…" He jabbed his finger out towards the horizon. "A mortician!"

My eye twitched in disbelief. "Come again?"

" _Fun fact,_ **you were right on the MONEY EARLIER!"** Soundbite chuckled. " _HE WAS MAKING A BEELINE_ _ **FOR THE CRYPT BEFORE I scared him off!"**_

I slapped a hand to my face. "Oi vey…"

"Good for you, Burrato!" Lil exclaimed, clapping him on the back with a somewhat heady smile. "And hey, no matter what happens? Even if we're not going through with this, I still really like you! So… let's promise to always be friends, alright?" She concluded by holding out her pinkie to her counterpart.

Burrato smiled kindly as he knelt down and hooked his own pinkie around hers. "Friends," he promised.

Lil nodded happily. She then turned to smile at her sister. "And Arbell, I… honestly, I'm really grateful you tried to get the Straw Hats to sabotage the wedding—!"

" _SH-SH-SH-SHUT IT!"_ I hissed, desperately jerking my hand across my throat.

Lil froze, the blood draining from her face as she realized what she was saying. "Ah... w-w-what I meant to say was—!"

" _YOUR BITCH DAUGHTER TRIED TO DO_ **WHAT!?"** Madam Hiruno screeched, her voice as strident and chilling as a gale from a blizzard.

Accino's face went blank, and he nudged Lil over to Arbell. "Sweetie, would you mind watching over your sister for Papa real quick? Two seconds, Papa promises."

"Uh…" Arbell blinked in confusion as she took ahold of Lil's shoulders. "Of course, Papa, but why—?"

Aaaaand just like that Accino was tackling Hiuo, his excess of mass taking her clean off the altar. " **PREPARE TO BECOME A PUDDLE, FROST MIDGET!"**

" **I'LL TURN YOU INTO A GLACIER, YOU BLAZING MAMMOTH** **!"**

And with that, the two flared their powers, the temperature differences clashing like angry weather fronts, throwing up a massive wave of wind that threw the church into disarray.

Aaaand of course, both sides of the wedding were starting to gear up and eye one another like lapsed vegetarians eyed fresh meat, because _why the hell not?_

…eh, forget it. Time for Plan B… or was it A… C, I think? Screw it, I'm just gonna blow this mother sky high.

"RIGHT!" I shouted suddenly, gathering as much attention to myself as I could. "With all that said, by the power vested in me by the Jolly Roger of the Straw Hat Pirates!" I flicked my wrist and gripped the makeshift detonator Conis had slipped to me. "I pronounce this wedding _fucked!"_

And with that, I clicked the button and...

Load a nothin'.

I blinked in confusion, looking the device over before repeatedly hammering the button. Still nothing.

"Work, you stupid—!"

" **Oscar-worthy performance,** _ **Ledger,"**_ Soundbite snickered.

I glared at him as I jabbed the detonator in his face. "Well, if _you_ think you can do better—!"

CRUNCH! _BOOM!_

I blinked stupidly as I processed both the fact that Soundbite had bitten clean through the detonator _and_ that a titanic explosion had shaken the air.

"…Point to you," I admitted.

" **Heeheehee** _ **hohoho!"**_

"Aaaand as for you, I just sank your ship! _Booyah!"_ I jabbed my finger in Pavarotto's until-now-stunned face.

Said face promptly contorted into a mask of rage as he shot his hand to his baton. "Jeremiah Cross, you son of a—!"

I shoved the Bible I was holding in his face, my armored right hand on the back cover. "The power of Christ compels you!"

_SLAM!_

"GWAH!" Pavarotto reeled in shock as a surprisingly sturdy flask slammed into his face and bowled him over.

"Also Impact," I chuckled as I waved my hand out before pausing and sniffing at the air. "…and vodka, apparently."

The room stilled in stunned silence for a moment, broken only by the family heads' continued clash… and that just wouldn't do, would it?

"Well, what the hell are you all waiting for?!" I demanded. "You were all set to murder each other not five minutes ago! Where'd all that enthusiasm go?!"

Boss and Skipper eyed each other, and in identical smooth motions ripped off their bowties.

"Right here," they growled in unison. And with that, they blurred out of sight before colliding in midair, flipper to flipper, accompanied by a visible shockwave of air that flipped wigs and unoccupied pews alike.

Aaaand that was the official cue for the chaos to start. Weapons were drawn and fired, and I promptly had to duck under a hail of bullets that shredded the top half of the altar.

"DEATH FROM ABOVE!"

I glanced up and damn near voided my bowels as I saw that the earlier hail of bullets had reduced the rope holding the big cross above the altar to a few threads. And with my luck?

The rope snapped the instant I threw myself forward, skidding on the floor of the church and hastily ducking behind a pew as the massive cross smashed into the altar, reducing it to splinters.

I panted desperately in an effort to get my breath back as I leaned back against just one of the many pews that had been flipped in the chaos. "Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused, casting a glance over my cover at the madness raging a few meters away. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

**~o~**

"Ooooh…" Vivi and I chorused in realization, before slamming our fists over Robin's skull. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Ow!" Robin flinched and grabbed at the point of impact, glaring indignantly at us. "What on earth did you do that for!?"

" _You're_ the one who told Lil to do what she felt like!" Vivi spat.

"And because of that, the tyke had the bright idea to stand up for herself in front of Momma Hypothermia! I almost got roasted and frozen in the same damn _breath!"_ I added.

" _ **And that sparked off THIS ENTIRE DAMN**_ **POWDERKEG!"** Soundbite concurred.

"IN SUMMARY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Ah…" Robin flinched, glancing side to side in obvious search of an escape route. "I was merely sharing the advice Cross shared with me with her?"

"You would have learned that lesson with or without me," I drawled. "Try again."

"Er…" Robin slowly inched backwards, Vivi and I following her step for step. "We were… aiming to ruin this wedding anyway, so I didn't do anything wrong?"

"Alright, _first_ off," Vivi huffed, snapping a finger up. "Not only did you ruin _my_ dream wedding—!"

I promptly slapped the Princess upside the head, an action she didn't even react to.

"And _second—"_ She raised a second finger. "You caused all of this shit to go down _while we were still in the firing line!_ That ice witch almost froze us solid! What do you have to say about _that!?"_

"Ahhh…" Robin held a finger up for a moment before sighing and hanging her head. "My mind's a blank."

"Both of our chores, on your own," I deadpanned.

"For a _month,"_ Vivi blandly concurred.

"Grgh…" Robin moaned, dragging her hand down her face.

"Oi, Robin!"

All three of us were then broken out of the argument by Zoro's shout.

"Hurry up and get those three out of there!" the swordsman barked. "Once I cut Luffy down and the love cook breaks up Boss and that penguin, we're _gone!"_

For a moment, Vivi and I were silent, and then Soundbite decided to chime in. " _Wait…_ **YOU MEAN YOU** _LET US ARGUE_ **this whole time when** _ **WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE**_ LEAVING?!"

"Hardly _let,"_ Robin very reasonably pointed out as she massaged the bridge of her nose. "You were all so caught up in your own outrage that I couldn't get a word in edgewise."

Vivi's mouth twisted, as if she were chewing on something, and then she sent a pleading glance my way, to which I could only shrug. "What? She might have started this mess—!"

" _I get it,"_ Robin said wearily.

"—but that doesn't mean she's wrong."

"Let's… let's just go," Vivi groaned, kneading her forehead. "So, how do we clear—"

" **Clutch."**

A chorus of snapping bone sounded out, and Vivi and I poked our heads above the table we'd been huddled behind to see all the combatants in a ten-foot radius lying in pretzels on the deck.

"That works," I said, before scrambling for the exit, Vivi and Robin hot on my heels. Still, despite the urgency I couldn't help but risk a look back, and so I spotted Zoro attempting to undo the rope Luffy was hanging from—!

"JUST LIKE ERUMALU, ISN'T IT BESSY?"

"FIRST OFF, IT'S NOT ERUMALU UNTIL I SHOVE YOUR BEAK THROUGH THE DAMN WALL, AND SECOND, _KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE DAMN NICKNAMES!"_

—as well as Boss and Skipper _still_ fighting.

"You didn't break them up?" I asked as we reached where Sanji was waiting with the TDWS.

"GO, BOSS, GO!"

"You kidding me?" Sanji drawled. "I've broken up enough fights on Baratie to I know that that's one I do _not_ want to get involved in."

"Good luck, Skipper!"/ "Use the San Faldan Gambit! The San Faldan!"/"WOOHOO! HAHAHA!"

"Fair enou—eh?" I blinked in surprise at the trio of penguins standing amicably next to the TDWS. "Wait, aren't you supposed to hate each other's guts?"

"Not really," Private shrugged indifferently. "Honestly, I think that Boss and Skipper are the only ones with any real issues with each other."

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement, a wide grin on his face. "Me? Once I get past their general douchiness, these guys are pretty cool!"

"Right back at you!" Private laughed, exchanging high fives with his shell-wearing counterpart.

"…huh," I stated intelligently before shrugging and returning my attention to the bloody but ultimately unremarkable brawl between the wedding guests (did I really just say that?). As for the main players, Pavarotto's quartet was surrounding his severely battered form and fending off anyone who came close, on purpose or by accident, though it looks like they'd slipped up a bit because Salchow managed to slip past them and land a People's Elbow on his gut, and Arbell was _oooh_ that's gotta hurt, especially with those high heels she was wearing…

Anyway, Hockera was over by the buffet table, using the inedible but very hot items upon it to shoot down the vultures that had flown in, Burrato was standing off to one side by Lil, looking as timid as ever but showing exactly _why_ the Hirunos kept him around by laying out anyone who came near with a single punch (and apologizing profusely for each one), and the Hiruno matriarch, last I'd seen her, was still trapped in the cauldron…

…which was starting to frost over _oh shit—!_

" _DOWN!"_ I yelled, throwing myself to the ground and everyone else following my lead.

And not a second too soon, because as soon as we hit the deck?

_**BOOM!** _

The cauldron literally _exploded_ in a blast of frigid air and ballistic black shrapnel, revealing a figure somehow even _more_ nightmarish than the one I faced earlier. Not only was the three-holed soulless mask back, there were enough black holes in the midget's form to confuse her for a zombie. One eye even seemed to be melted closed, but the other, shining with raw malice, more than made up for it.

" _ **SSSSSTRAAAAW HAAAAATSSSSS…"**_ she howled like some kind of banshee, the ambient temperature dropping so hard and so fast that I could feel frost forming on _me_. " _ **WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU… THE MARINES WILL HAVE TO LITERALLY PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER!**_ **PIECE BY FROZEN—!"**

" _Heat Whirlwind!"_

That was all the hag was able to get out before a blast of hot air slammed into her and threw her across the room. Don Accino snorted darkly as he eyed the point of impact, and once he was sure she wasn't getting up immediately turned back to us, his temperature holding stable at a relatively reasonable range. Reaching behind him, he pulled out and presented a black bundle.

"Princess Vivi," he grunted. "In light of recent… _events,_ I think it would be prudent to give your offer sincere consideration." He held up the bundle and shook it slightly. "Care to trade?"

"Ah, o-of course, Don!" Vivi nodded eagerly, digging out the Eternal Pose she had offered earlier and tossing it to the Don, while the Don tossed the bundle he was holding—!

" _GAH!"_

Right at me, bowling me over with it because _damn_ was he strong. Though, in fairness, it wasn't entirely his fault, seeing as my transceiver _was_ pretty damn heavy. At least our flag had cushioned the blow.

The Don nodded, pocketing the pose before turning back to where ice and frost were starting to encroach up the church's wall. "Much appreciated, now hurry up and get going. I'm going to settle things with the midget once and for all, the only way I know how. _Temperature Up:_ **10,000 Degrees!"** the Don snarled, the ambient temperature soaring with his lobster-red ski.

"RIGHT, GOING! _BOSS!"_ I yelled.

"Skipper!" came Lil's yell at the same moment.

The rivals paused, looked at us, then turned back to each other, and clasped flippers, identical confident grins on their faces.

"Looks like once again, duty has drawn our duel to a close before I could finish kicking your ass, Bessy," Skipper laughed. "Next time, though? Next time you won't get off that easy!"

"Heheheh," Boss chuckled, shaking his head wistfully. "I look forward to it, Ski—!… No, you know what? I look forward to it, _Skippy._ I _really_ look forward to it."

"HA! _Now_ you've got the idea!" Skipper gave his old enemy a final clap on the shoulder before the two split apart and returned to their respective factions, with the Penguins exchanging a final round of high-fives with our guards before following after their leader.

"Well, that was fun!" Boss grinned happily. "Can't wait for the next time! C'mon, boys, let's blow this popsicle stand!"

"AYE-AYE, BOSS!" the TDWS saluted before following him.

We wasted no more time after that, running through where the double doors used to be into the antechamber and then out to the courtyard, the only part that was still relatively intact. The Thousand Sunny was at the pier, surrounded by the shattered carcass that had once been the Hirunos' ship, and Merry was waving at us from the deck.

"HURRY UP, LET'S GO!" she called as several ropes extended down towards us. Nothing impeded us from grabbing them and getting back on the deck of our ship, and as Zoro finally cut Luffy out of his restraints and joined us, I took the time to actually take in the state of the vessel we'd just evacuated. The windows were blown out, most of the lights were out, there was a diverse array of holes and fissures in the walls and roof, and alternating pulses of hot and cold air were starting to tax… pretty much everything everywhere.

Overall, it was bad, yes, but…

"You know…" I mused, rubbing my chin. "I suppose it could be worse." I shrugged at the disbelieving looks everyone shot me. "I'm being serious! I mean, the wedding was a disaster, sure, but look!" I swung my arms out. "The ship's still floating, right?"

"Thanks, Zoro!" I heard Luffy call out, and then I saw him stretch his arm out to grab the remains of his rope contraption. "Oh, hey, the rope's still intact! Wonder if it'll still work!"

' _I never thought I'd say this, but I really need to learn when to keep my fucking mouth shut,'_ I thought as everyone else shouted, "LUFFY, NO!"

_YANK!_ _**CRASH!** _

My arms remained in their upright position even as I twitched furiously. "Soundbite?"

" _ **ONLY LUFFY**_ _could do THIS by accident._ _ **LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, that was the sound of**_ **every single support beam** _IN THE CHURCH_ SPLITTING IN HALF," Soundbite stated neutrally.

And indeed, the church ship was quite literally coming apart at the seams, cracks spreading all throughout the structure before it finally collapsed into a field of barely-floating flotsam all too reminiscent of Krieg's galleon after Hawk-Eye had worked it over.

"Uhh…" A massive sweatdrop sprung to life on Luffy's head. "Whoops?"

"…RAAAGH!"

"GACK!"

I blinked in surprise at the familiar scream of outrage, and I turned to see a surprisingly familiar sight, save from a different perspective.

"…You know something?" I mused, cupping my chin thoughtfully as I watched an apoplectic Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "It feels weird, seeing this from the outside. Kinda refreshing, if I'm being honest."

" _Healthy for her too,"_ Chopper nodded in agreement. " _Honestly, I've been contemplating assigning a few of our crewmates a stress ball for a while now, but in retrospect, this might be even better."_

"Sooo… should we _help_ our Captain, or…?" Leo questioned uncertainly.

"Boys…" Boss huffed out a cloud of smoke as he watched Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "Let this be a lesson to you all: never get between a t-ed off woman and the target of her ire if you wanna keep your shells on your backs."

"Damn straight!" Raphey laughed as she slung her flippers around the shoulders of the suddenly nervous Mikey and Donny.

"Mwahahaha!" Merry laughed down from the helm. "Well, fun as that is, I think I see a few more bounty hunters starting to climb back onto their ships! Whaddaya say we get the heck out of here?"

"Ahh… sure thing, Merry, just let us…" I slowly sidled up to my semi-rabid friend and tapped her shoulder. "Ah, Vivi?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when she twisted her head around and tried to vaporize me with her gaze, Luffy's throat still clenched between her hands. " _ **WHAT."**_

I shuddered fearfully before grinning in what I _hoped_ was a reassuring manner. "Now, Vivi," I started slowly. "I know that we just ruined your dream wedding, and we're more than likely to do it again in the future when the real deal rolls around, and… and… uh…" I scratched the back of my head with a sheepish smile. "Aaaand I forgot where I was going with this. Oops?"

"Might wanna quit while you're behind, Cross," I heard Nami mutter behind me.

I groaned in response and pre-emptively tensed up, waiting for the inevitable explosion from Vivi—but instead, she just smiled as she wrenched her iron-hard grip open. "Jeremiah Cross," she enunciated confidently and deliberately. "You, sir, are a pearl." And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away.

I blinked slowly as I tried to process that little tidbit. "Okay…" I drew out. "That was odd. And more than a little worrying." I heard a puff of air, and turned around to see Nami desperately holding in what I could only assume was hysterical laughter. "What's wrong with you?"

"D-Do you kn-know how p-pearls are f-formed?" she wheezed out, shaking from the effort of holding in her laughter.

"Kinda?" I hedged. "I know they form in oysters over time—"

"Th-Through constant irritation!" Nami interrupted right before she collapsed into howling gales.

Despite the fact that the joke was at my expense, I couldn't help but be impressed. That was a clever bit of wordplay. But as I heard the door opening, I snapped my head up.

"Hey, Vivi, wait a minute!" I piped up hastily. "Quick question! About that monocle you were wearing earlier…? "

Vivi looked back at me as I took note of the subtle movement of four specific members of our crew.

"I was just wondering: is it some sort of keepsake from your family, or some other kind of treasure, or…?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean this?" Vivi produced the eyepiece in question and held it up. "No, it's just an ordinary monocle. I picked it up in Lovely Land while we were setting things up, but I actually think I might—"

"All I needed to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty later. GUARDS!"

"SPEAR OF SAINT GEORGE!"

_SMASH!_

"GAH!" Vivi flinched as a sai _slammed_ through the monocle's frame, ripping it from her hand and pinning it to the mast. Mikey, Donny, and Leo then proceeded to catch the glass fragments and toss them overboard.

"FREEDOM!" the TDWS cried joyously as they fell to their 'knees', or at least their closest equivalent.

"Grgh— _WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMNED—!"_ Vivi started to howl.

"HIT IT BEFORE SHE HITS ME!" I shouted up at Merry.

" _COUP DE BURST!"_

_**BOOM!** _

"WAAAAAGH!"

And just like that… we were off.

**~o~**

One hour, a blast off, a change of clothes, and a _lot_ of cooling down later, we were well away from the brawl going on behind us _and_ had filled up on a good lunch, which we hadn't had the opportunity for in the midst of the ice war and then the wedding prep. But with that done…

"Alright, everyone, now that that wedding fiasco is behind us, my knowledge should be back on track," I stated, drawing everyone's attention to me and solidifying their focus as they saw my expression. "And for what's coming next, you guys are going to want to get to training, right about…" I made a show of looking over my wrist before giving them all a dark look. " _Immediately_. Because the clusterfuck we're sailing into? Best case scenario we make out like the Davy Back Fight—the Backfight itself, I mean, not the shitfest that came after—whereas worst case… _not_ as bad as Enies, but easily a close second."

A long silence followed, during which most of those on the crew looked at me in significant askance, with the obvious exceptions of my partners. Then Vivi spoke.

"And… _how_ necessary is it that we go through with it, Cross?" she asked tersely. "I mean… I know we've done a lot of good in the past, but, well… is there _any_ chance we can skip past it for once? Just, I don't know, spare ourselves _some_ pain?"

"Well, technically, we could try, but there are a lot of interesting things that we'd be missing." I looked at Luffy, the question clear in my expression. After a moment of tilting his head side to side, he nodded with a wide smile, prompting me to smile right back and start counting on my fingers.

"Let's see…we'll be freeing over a thousand people from all over the world from living cursed half-lives—"

"Right, then. Carue, we have weapons to sharpen," Vivi interrupted, marching over to the pavilion, the duck directly on her heels.

"Oh, here, allow me!" Conis offered, rapping her knuckles against one of the pillars of the structure and drawing up our arsenal.

"Might I recommend the _rough_ whetstone?" Su proffered the stone in question with a vindictive leer.

"I'll see what training I can do as well," Robin agreed coolly, settling in place and beginning to focus. I grinned, but I didn't miss a beat.

"—Gaining another, ooooh… ฿300 million or so—"

"Pardon me, I think I have one or twenty treatises on climatology calling me from the library," Nami stated, spinning on her heel and marching for the stairs.

"—Beating up a predatorial voyeur who ate the Clear-Clear Fruit—"

" **I'll get to refining my Sky Walk,"** Sanji literally fumed as he started eyeing the skies. " **You can expect dinner to be deep-fried Mega-Gull."**

"—Helping to fulfill an ancient promise between men—"

"I'll start refining my arsenal. Maybe if I use more yeast as a stabilizing agent…?" Usopp mused to himself as he turned away and started walking towards his workshop.

"And _we_ will get to training on the Full-Shell Style," Boss concurred, sending his students diving over the edge of the ship with a glance, then following after them.

"—Getting Zoro's new sword—"

"I have a workout to get to," the swordsman grinned, beginning an ascent to the crow's nest.

"—Beholding the biggest pirate ship in Paradise—"

"Hold tight a sec, I'm gonna fire up the Cola-vats!" Franky grinned, heading below deck.

"Grit your buns!" Merry barked, leaping at Zoro—

_CHOMP!_

"GAH! BRAT!"

"J'sht shink of it ash training! 'N ash training ish shuper important!"

And promptly… _latching on_ for the ride.

"—Meeting a world-renowned doctor who it turns out was only ever in it for the money—"

" **Excuse me, I have matters to attend to.** _ **Explosives to refine, dissection diagrams to draw up, you know… BUSINESS AS USUAL,"**_ Chopper cheerily informed us, heading for his lab with a _very_ twitchy grin plastered on his face.

"—Aaaand, last but not least: finally recruiting our crew's musician."

"Usopp, wait up! I need a new pipe, the pigeon guy sliced up my old one!" Luffy called, running after our sniper.

I watched as everyone went about his or her separate devices in peace before grinning at Soundbite. "Dontcha just _love_ this crew?"

"WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR _the world, PARTNER!"_ Soundbite laughed. " **So, you up for** _ **getting back on THE SBS?"**_

"Hm… sure, why not?" I nodded in agreement, knocking on the mast and grabbing the rope that dropped down. I then shot a glance at my other partners. "You guys want in?"

"Do you even _know_ me?" Lassoo yawned lazily as he flopped on his back to sun his stomach. "I'm just gonna stay here, grab some Z's and… actually, yeah, no, I'm just gonna go ahead and go to—!"

_WH-CRACK!_

"YIPE!" The mutt-cannon curled in on his gut, snarling at the source of his pain. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMN IVORY-FARM!?"

Funkfreed ignored his fellow weapon-Zoan in favor of grinning at me. "What my comrade _meant_ to say," he chuckled with barely-hidden steel. "Is that we're going to be spending the afternoon training against one another. Isn't that right…" He promptly transitioned into his hybrid form and smirked at Lassoo. " _Comrade?"_

"Well, I don't know much about 'training'," Lassoo mused, before snarling as he snapped into his own hybrid form, flames licking out of his maw. "BUT I'M DAMN WELL GOING TO MAKE YOU EAT YOUR OWN TRUNK, LEATHER-ASS!"

"JUST TRY IT, HYDRANT-LICKER!"

I chuckled as I watched the two start to brawl across the deck. "Ahhh, the joys of partnership."

"EVER-SO-FUN!" Soundbite cackled. " _Anyways, up, up_ _ **and—!"**_

"Ah, I'm sorry, but real quick?"

"Hm?" I looked at Conis in confusion. "What's up?"

"Weeell…" Conis cast a quick glance behind her before grinning conspiratorially. "I know that we aren't supposed to ask about spoilers and all, but while Luffy's occupied…?"

"Oh, no, don't worry about it!" I said, waving her off even as I subtly wound the line to my room around my forearm. "It's really no big deal. We'll just be sailing into a treacherous geographic location in which many ships have mysteriously vanished, fighting against a legion of the living dead, an equally undead titan bigger than most giants, aaaand two Warlords of the Sea back to back. A total cakewalk!"

"Oh, yes, of course, of course, I just wanted to clear that up is all." Conis nodded, turned back to her arsenal…

And then _just_ as I yanked on the line—

" _GET BACK DOWN HERE YOU RAGING BASTARD!"_ a little over half the crew screamed as they tried to swarm me, only _just_ missing grabbing the bottoms of my greaves.

"PFHAHAHA!" I cackled as I pried open the door to my hideaway, watching my friends spit venom down below, some even starting to work their way up the mast. "Truly nothing better than to be a part of this _miraculous_ crew, ey, Soundbite?"

" _Not a SINGLE_ _ **THING!"**_

**Patient AN: 'Noticeably shorter than our standard length' my foot…**

**Xomniac AN: Once again, our astounding productivity astounds me… go us!**

**Cross-Brain AN: By the way, for anyone who was curious about how those pygmy whales happened? Well, one day a female pygmy sperm whale ate a giant squid in just the wrong way… and with that, we turn loose all of our omake-writing fans. Have fun!**


	8. Chapter 8

### Chapter 52: Chapter 47: We Are Alive! Anthem Of Our Defiance!

### Chapter Text

Though our adventure in the Accino's icy hell was well behind us and everyone was preparing themselves for the future, that did _not_ mean that our next destination lay immediately before us. It still took us a while to reach the staging grounds for our next adventure, and of course, that travel time left plenty of opportunities for the day-to-day going-ons of the Grand Blue. From learning more about the culture of Oda's wonderful world…

**~o~**

"Morning, Cross," Sanji nodded at me as he flipped the contents of his frying pan in the air.

"Mmmrgh…" I moaned in response, pawing miserably at my eyes as I shambled into the kitchen.

"Looking for this?" Robin hummed into her coffee mug, another hand of hers offering me my own cup of dark liquid.

"Mmph…" I groaned gratefully, accepting the glass and taking a deep swig from it. I then sank into the seat next to her with a pained groan, the caffeine chasing the last remnants of sleep again. "Mmm… how the hell did I ever wake up before we had Cola?"

"With less stomach cramps from drinking it on an empty stomach, I imagine," Robin observed dryly.

I winced as I took another swig from my cup, shooting her a thumbs-up. "Hurts so good."

The door to the room opened with more force than strictly necessary, and an annoyed-looking Nami stalked inside, tossing the day's newspaper on the table. "I'm getting sick and tired of them raising the price every other week. This is the first time that I'm genuinely missing Terry and Isaiah; next time we recruit a bird who can fly worth a damn, we find a way to get them to mug those thieving bastards en route."

" _ **HELLS YES!"**_ Soundbite cackled in agreement.

"Hells no," I shot back with a flat glare. "You touch Coo or any of his flock, you'll suddenly find yourself a dozen maps short, witch."

Nami snorted derisively, flashing me her _own_ bird before snatching up the plate of food Sanji offered her and stomping right back out.

I shook my head as I picked up the newspaper and started scanning the front page. I then did a double-take. "Well well _well!_ 'New Poneglyph excavated in Galridon Archipelago, South Blue'?! Now, this I gotta—!"

"I'll take _that,"_ Robin chirped, snatching the paper from my hands.

"Wha—!? HEY!" I _tried_ to grab the papers back, but a half-dozen hands held me off as she unfolded the newspaper, not to mention the page that was suddenly dropped on my face.

"You can have the funnies," she smiled innocently, entirely ignoring me in favor of the news.

I snorted derisively, making to ball up and toss said funnies away, but something on the page caught my attention. "Hm?" I righted the comic page and regarded it curiously. "What's this? 'Sora, Warrior of the Sea'?"

"It's a comic strip the Marines publish in the papers," Sanji explained over his shoulder, shifting over from the stove so that he could start chopping something up. "The tales of the Marine Hero Sora as he travels the seas, fighting crime and evil with the help of his pet seagull and a transforming robot."

" _Blech,_ I CAN TASTE THE **propaganda** _ **from here,"**_ Soundbite spat.

"Not as much as you'd expect, actually…" Robin mused as she turned the page. "Apparently the exploits of young Sora have basis in fact, specifically the exploits of real Marines."

"Really, now?" I said before looking closer at the strip. "Then… the enemy he's fighting… Germa… what is that, an 88?"

"66," Sanji responded, the chopping making his voice sound oddly tight. "Sora's enemy is Germa 66."

"Right, them. They're always who he fights?"

"Not always, but certainly more often than not," Robin shrugged before glancing over. "Why do you ask?"

"Huh…" I held the paper out. "Well, it's just that when I consider the World Government's standard propaganda, and the consistency in using them, plus the fact that apparently these comics are actually real… I dunno, maybe these Germa guys have some basis in reality? And if so…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "I'll need to see about looking into them. With the way the World Government is laying into them, I bet they're pretty strong, _but_ the flanderization means they might not actually be that bad."

_SLAM!_

All three of us at the table jumped, and we turned to see that Sanji had driven his knife into… no, clean _through_ his cutting board. Damn clean cut too.

The chef exhaled explosively as he eyed the bisected board. "Damn," he muttered.

"Are you alright, Sanji?" Robin asked.

"Yes, Robin-chwan, perfectly fine!" Sanji replied, shooting us a smile. "Sorry, my heart acted up for a second there. I should have known better than to test new peppers while I'm working."

"Eesh. Well, be more careful," I warned him even as I settled back in and got back to reading. "Your hands are your greatest tools, remember? The last thing any of us want is to see you hurt."

"I'll… keep that in mind Cross," Sanji nodded, going back to work.

"… _his heart rate's up…"_ Soundbite muttered.

I responded with a flat look. "The man just ate an ultra-hot pepper and almost lost a finger for it. Would _you_ be calm?"

" **Yeah… yeah, fair enough…"** the snail muttered, returning his eyes to the paper.

"And either way, come on," I scoffed. "It's _Sanji._ What could _he_ be hiding?"

As I read on, I made a mental note to have Merry or Franky check the woodwork of the kitchen. It sounded like _some_ stray piece of metal was hammering into the wood like a jackhammer.

**~o~**

…To learning even more about our home…

**~o~**

"…so, the next thing to cover is the third best idea Franky had for Sunny, the Soldier Dock System," Merry explained to several of the crew. She glanced towards me. "How many of them do you know about, Cross?"

I did a mental review of the ones I knew pre-time skip, and glanced back at Merry. "Well, the first one in the story was Nami's modified Waver, so that's out. The second was a shopping boat with your _ghost_ in it, so unless you've got a twin I don't know about, that's out, too… But I'm guessing the Shark Submarine is still number three?"

Merry grinned. "Sure is, but now that means I can save the other two for a surprise!"

I cocked my eyebrow at her in surprise. "'Two'? Wait, I checked out the helm a while back. Don't the numbers go up to 6? Shouldn't there still be a few more slots open?"

"Yeah, but only 1 through 4 are for vehicular usage," she answered. "5 and 6 are occupied. 5 is the TDWS' bunk, and 6 is Boss'."

"And for the record, I _love it!"_ Boss laughed, pumping his arms. "My own space where I can meditate and develop the Full Shell Style? I couldn't ask for much more!"

"Ahhh, but Boss!" Merry spread her arms wide with a laugh of her own. "'Much more' is exactly what Sunny has to offer!"

"Mm, yeah?" Luffy got out around the chunk of meat he was chewing on, looking over the side.

"Yep! Like over here," she elaborated, stamping her foot in the grass. The result was a sliding panel hidden in the lawn sliding open, revealing a chunk of the Sunny's inner workings. From out of the panel rose and unfolded a machine that looked a _lot_ like one of the cranes from back home.

"This is the contribution I made in case we ever need to run salvage again!" she explained eagerly. "It's not _quite_ as impressive as Masira's monkey, but it and the others I've also hidden will do the job for anything smaller than Big Bro. Oh!" She snapped her fingers in realization. "And they also serve a secondary purpose."

"That being?" I asked, looking over the crane.

Merry grinned as she rapped her knuckles on the railing, causing the crane to snap back and forth with more flexibility than it had any right to have. "Inspired by Franky's older inventions: a fishing rod fit for a king!" She hid a snicker behind her hand. "Sea King, that is!"

"WOO!" Luffy shot his arms up gleefully.

"Ohohohohhhh, this will be _fun,"_ Boss chuckled, rubbing his fins together.

"Niiiice…" I nodded with an impressed whistle. "No more starving, eh?"

" _And_ no more running out of room to store stuff either~!" Merry sang. "Observe!"

She proceeded to fit her fingers in a seam in the railing and pry it open, revealing… nothing? Wait…

"It's hollow?" I asked, sticking my head into the void in the wood and looking around.

"Not all of Big Bro, but a lot of his insides, yeah!" Merry nodded in confirmation. "It's so that he'll always have room to grow, see! No more squeezing together when we go over capacity, be it in gold, food, or new friends!"

"You guys really thought of everything," Nami praised, most likely having flashed over at the mere _word_ 'gold'.

"Eeeyes we did, yes we did!" Merry preened before reaching her arm into the void. "Though for _nooow,_ seeing as we're not actually using the space _yet…"_ She withdrew a metal box with a grin. "It's a great place for stashing snacks!"

" _ACK!"_

Merry blinked in confusion at the sudden gagging sound that arose, before giving the _empty_ box she was holding a flat look. "Snacks that Luffy just _ate."_

"For crying out loud, Luffy, we've been over this a hundred times," Chopper moaned in a long-suffering tone, morphing into his Heavy Point, grabbing our gagging captain around his midsection, and dragging him over to the nearest non-grassy part of the deck. "I'm getting _way_ too much practice at the Heimlich maneuver…"

"I'll get the kerosene," Zoro sighed.

"And I'll grab the camera for the scrapbook!" I laughed.

**~o~**

And finally, to learning that the thoughts I had back in that church were ones that I really, really _did_ need to act upon.

And it was on the eve prior to our next grand endeavor that I found myself doing just that.

**~o~**

"… _Aaaanyway, let's move on! In light of our most recent major fiasco—which will not be elaborated on for both our collective sanity and the safety of those involved—having been only the most recent example in a long line of similar incidents, it has come to my attention that too often do people—myself included, I'm afraid—have a tendency of incurring devastating results by saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. As such, I have resolved to take this time to spread some invaluable knowledge to the world: how to_ watch what you damn say _so that a certain bastard named Murphy doesn't bite you in the ass,"_ Cross's clipped voice dryly informed the world. " _I suggest taking notes; I guarantee that life_ will _test you on this later."_

"You heard him, Drake," came a cool female voice from one corner of the room.

The Lieutenant Commander scoffed dismissively. "Captain Ain, I'll admit that it's good to keep most of Cross's advice in mind, sure, but why do you feel the need to—"

"Because according to the base's scuttlebutt, you have a disturbing tendency of, to quote the pirate, 'saying the wrong thing at the wrong time'," the black-haired user of the Return-Return Fruit observed dryly. "Now start taking notes. Life might not test you immediately, but I damn well will."

Lieutenant Commander Drake shook his head with a snort as he turned and started to walk away.

"39 last month, correct?" Ain casually asked, raising her hand and illuminating it with a menacing pink glow. "Meaning that there are currently 24 years between you and _puberty?"_

"Never enough time to spare for note-taking!" Drake said as he immediately pivoted on his heel, cold sweat cascading down his forehead.

" _Alright, lesson number one, and this is the most important one. Take this to heart, and you will avoid most fate-tempting situations. And it's this: it can always,_ always _get worse. No matter how bad it is. And one of fate's favorite activities is proving that. A common way of doing so is that it starts raining, but ultimately it's—"_

" **Context-sensitive?"** Soundbite grinned.

" _NOT ONE WORD ABOUT THE TALKING SQUIRRELS!… but yes, context-sensitive."_

"…you heard that, right? He really just said 'talking squirrels'?" Drake deadpanned.

"I gave up attempting to make any sense of their comments months ago, and besides that, talking animals are the norm for them. Now _write,"_ Ain replied just as flatly.

"Damn it…"

**-o-**

" _Moving on, lesson number two:_ the universe is always listening _. I cannot stress this enough. If you think you're safe to tempt fate? You aren't. Even_ thinking _it is a bad idea, and I'm speaking from experience here."_

" **See the following entries in our logs,** _ **which by this point read like the ramblings of a madman:**_ **THE CASE OF THE MISSING BRUNCH,** _the Sandbank Inferno Incident,_ AND OF COURSE, THE GREAT LOBSTER BLOWOUT!"

" _I swear, these waters have more noodles in them than an Olive Gar—!"_

" _ **AHE-HE-HEM!"**_

" _Ah… aheh, never mind that. Hm… ah, pardon, viewers, I was planning to go over some other common temptations, but this was rather spur of the moment, so… Soundbite, how about a music corner while I get a list going?"_

" _ **Ladies and gentlemen—!"**_

" _NO CONWAY TWITTY!"_

" **TUNE NAZI!** SUCK _**OFFSPRING**_ AND DIE!"

Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp winced as he pushed open the door to his old friend and current superior's office and was greeted by a riff of hard metal. "Eesh. I swear, that damn snail's taste in music just never seems to get any better, does it?"

"No, it does not," Sengoku sighed, flexing his hand as a slightly oversized blood pressure cuff was wound around his upper arm. "But nothing he could—" Sengoku choked off his response, cleared his throat, and spoke again. "But it is my _personal opinion_ that whatever ungodly _noise_ he peddles is certainly better than his owner's personal brand of drek. Though…" Sengoku grinned and chuckled, prompting his attending physician to smack his clipboard over his head. "Ow!"

"Sit still, damn you," Sentomaru ordered testily, his gaze never leaving the cuff's gauge. "Otherwise, we _will_ finish this physical on Doctor Vegapunk's operating table, under _his_ supervision. And trust me, his bedside manners are nowhere near as generous as mine are… sir." The last word was tacked on almost as an afterthought.

"Tsk," Sengoku scoffed even as he stilled himself. "I thought you were a bodyguard."

"Bodyguard to the best mind in the world, sir," the sumo-esque man grunted as he jotted something down on his clipboard. "I'm pretty sure that if I _didn't_ pick up a thing or two, then _I'd_ be the one on the slab."

Sengoku harrumphed, conceding the point before changing the subject, his attention back on Garp. "As I was saying, I actually don't mind this latest broadcast; hopefully it'll help keep our own men from saying or doing anything that could potentially trigger any… compromising experiences."

"Pseudoscience," Sentomaru stated dismissively.

"Pseudo-whatsits that's bitten me and my men in the ass more times than I can count," the Vice Admiral countered.

"Oh, yeah, speaking of which," Sentomaru grunted, holding up a pill bottle. "Delivery from Vega—!"

"GAH!" Garp snatched and pocketed the bottle, eyeing his superior sidelong. "Anyway… just wanna check real quick whether or not Buddha-boy here realizes that this is going to be helping the pirates _just as much_ as us, right?"

There was a brief moment of silence, and then a crunching sound filled the room as the armrests of Sengoku's chair splintered under his fingers. Sentomaru's eyes widened as the readings on his device suddenly spiked, and then he turned a murderous glare on Garp. "Take the snail and _get out,"_ he spat.

Given the fact that the Vice Admiral obeyed immediately, it seemed that Garp actually had some self-preservation instincts.

Or not, considering that he immediately poked his head back in. "Oh, yeah, now I remember: I came in here because I finally fixed the pagoda _you_ broke. Can I have my snacks now?" he asked.

Sentomaru heaved a mental groan as the pressure cuff _exploded_ off of his patient. ' _They don't pay me_ nearly _enough for this job…'_

**-o-**

The sound of shuffling paper echoed through the bar. " _Alright, some common examples: 'I'll be right back'—"_

" _IT TOOK_ **US FIVE HOURS TO** _find Zoro_ , _**and he didn't even**_ **start on** THE ISLAND WE FOUND HIM ON."

"' _Nothing exciting ever happens around here'—"_

" _ **GIVE IT TIME…"**_

" _And Soundbite's favorite, 'It's quiet… too quiet…'."_

" _IT SHOULD_ **never be quiet** _ **when**_ _I'M_ _ **AROUND!"**_

" _And I'd like to remind you all that this is by no means an exhaustive list. Not even of the_ common _temptations. Good rule of thumb: if you're wondering if something is tempting fate, don't think that it is,_ run."

"Words to live by," Bartolomeo nodded sagely before knocking his mug back.

"Ah, c'mon, boss!" one of the Barto Club's newer members scoffed, leaning his chair back on its rear legs with his feet on the table. "Ya don't _really_ believe this load'a hoo-hah, do ya? I mean sure, there's a lot of weird shit on the seas, but _this_ can't possibly be—!"

_SNAP!_

"—GWAGH!" said mook squawked in shock when his chair suddenly buckled beneath him, sending him tumbling.

Miss Valentine and Mr. 5 eyed him silently before glancing at one another.

"500 says he's stupid enough," Valentine blandly stated.

"Bet he ain't," 5 shrugged back just as blandly.

The mook lay groaning for a moment before shakily raising a finger. "…That doesn't prove anyth—!"

_CRASH!_

"ARGH!" That scream was the last thing the occupants of the bar heard as the floorboards beneath him buckled and dumped him into the basement. "…Fine, so he _may_ have a point…"

"Damn," 5 grunted, snapping his fingers in frustration as he held up a bill to his partner.

"Never bet against the stupid," Goldenweek droned as the older assassin snatched her prize triumphantly. She then shot a surprised look at a yet-unaffected Bartolomeo and Gin. "I'm surprised that none of you East Blue-rs are surprised, though. What happened to being the weakest of the Blues?"

"Lived at the mouth of the Grand Line," Barto raised his hand. "We might have been weak, but we still saw enough to get smart. Not to mention you don't run a criminal gang _anywhere_ and expect to live long by being that stupid."

"Krieg declared that 'Nothing can stop us now!' once we reached the peak of Reverse Mountain," Gin drawled. "Then we ran headfirst into a damn _Warlord_ out for a walk at Reverse Mountain. What Cross is saying isn't stupid, it's _fact."_

"Straw Hats for us," Valentine toasted with a sigh. "One second we're saying we're in for an easy mission, the next we're picking ourselves up and out of the damn _rubble."_

"You know, it's not too late for me to give you a tune-up," Goldenweek hummed, her spinning brush causing her fellow ex-Agents to scoot away.

"No emotional castration, Goldenweek," Gin flatly ordered.

"Fine…" the artist sighed in an almost wistful tone.

Suddenly, the SBS' broadcast was interrupted by the " _Dot dot dot dot!"_ of a caller, accompanied soon after by the _KA-LICK_ of the dynamic duo answering.

" _Hello and welcome to the SBS! You're live!"_

" _Uh, h-hello, Mr. Cross. Um, I wanted to share something I said, see if it's tempting fate?"_

" _Of course, of course, I'm not going to_ dis _courage more awareness. So, what was the situation and what did you say?"_

" _W-Well, I might have, uh, swapped my dad's hair gel for my mom's hair dye, and when I saw the result I might have, uh, said that they'd never figure out it was me."_

The silence from the SBS was positively _deafening._

"… _Well, let me put it like this,"_ Cross finally said. " _There's a difference between tempting fate and running up to fate, punching him in the nose, and yelling 'Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!' You get three guesses which category_ that _falls into, and the first two don't count."_

" _Also?_ _PUTTING THAT OUT_ **here, on the** _ **SUPER PUBLIC**_ SBS, **WITHOUT** _ **blurring your voice**_ _?_ **NOT SMART."**

Barto let himself snicker a bit at both his crew's interactions and the sound of the poor kid suddenly freaking out before sobering up. "Ahright, enough fun and games, let's get to it." He withdrew a notepad and pen from his jacket and held them at the ready. "Whatcha managed to pick up?" He then scowled as he noticed his crewmates staring blankly at the pen and paper. "Hey, I might be a bastard, but that sure as shit don't make me stupid. Now c'mon! Local intel, whatcha got?"

The rest of the officers coughed abashedly before Gin raised his hand. "I've gotten word of three different pirate crews working in the local waters: the White Foam Pirates, led by 'Breaker' Bronson, ฿50 Million; the Meat Shop Pirates, led by Delgado 'The Fridge', ฿22 Million; and, uh, Hyper Force Go, led by 'Prism Champion' Seven Force, worth ฿77 million, natch. That's his actual name, by the way, apparently he got it changed or something."

"So what'd these guys do to earn their ink?" Bartolomeo questioned.

"Well for starters," Gin started counting down on his fingers. "The White Foams and the Meat Shops aren't actually that bad, in spite of the latter's name. The White Foams are surfers, you see, always looking for the next big wave or whatever. They got that big of a bounty slapped on them because they're kind of reckless about it, and they've capsized a few ships by using their own ship as a surfboard or something. The Meat Shops, meanwhile, are poachers who essentially run themselves as an exotic butcher… though from what I hear, they've discovered quite a few new species in their travels."

"Hm…" Barto nodded thoughtfully as he jotted his notes down. "And I take it from the way you put it, the Hyper Force mooks are…?

"Total bastards," Gin deadpanned. "An example would be how once, Laysan Island had a thriving mining industry based around silver, iron, and copper. Now they don't, because Hyper Force Go showed up one day, looted the mines, the warehouses, and the homes, and then just to be dicks, collapsed the mines behind them. Think a… Super Sentai team, I think it's called? Only bloodthirsty and evil."

"Tch," Barto bit out darkly. "Right… we'll swing around and kick the shit out of them while we're in the area. What about the white hats?"

"The people in the markets are loose-lipped around kids," Miss Goldenweek hummed around her frothing mug. "The bases in the local waters are G-77-Alpha and G-77-Omega. The similar identifications have put the Marines stationed at them at odds with one another in a feud, always trying to prove who's better. They never _deliberately_ hurt civilians, they're actually decent in that regard from what I gather, but their feuding has caused them to drop the ball. A lot"

"I'll leave them up to Capricorn, then…" Barto shifted his attention to the last of his officers. "And what did you two manage to dig up?"

"Eh, not a lot, to be honest," Valentine waved her hand dismissively. "The usual black-market stuff, though the smuggling's been amped to hell and back thanks to the Marines being more concerned with each other than their jobs." She frowned darkly. "The bad news, however, is that there's a lot of people buying 'Tulip Bulbs.'"

The captain glanced up in confusion. "And why the heck would I care about _that?"_

"You'd care," 5 grunted as he drew a baggie of powder from his coat and dropped it on the table. "When 'Tulip Bulbs' are the newest drug to hit the waters. And with the rate they're coming in, I'd bet money we're looking at the start of a whole new drug ring in this very city. And from the _size_ of the shipments… I'd bet it'll be a damn vicious one too."

"Mmrgh…" Barto tapped his pen on the notepad a few times before shrugging. "Well, I knew a few pushers back in Loguetown, so before we start smashing heads in a righteous indignation, let's find out if it's _actually_ vicious, okay?"

"Going by how another name for this stuff is 'Grave Bouquet', on account of how it's always a gamble between a hell of a high and _death?"_ Valentine deadpanned. "It's a pretty easy read."

Bartolomeo's pencil promptly snapped between his fingers. "Head-smashing it is!" he cheerfully stated through his shark-toothed grin.

"Alright, then," Mr. 5 grunted, starting to shift his shoulders back and forth. "You wanna get going now, or…?"

"Eh…" The Barto Club's captain actually cooled down at that. "Maybe. I want Lindy on this just in case, so that we can sniff out their stashes. Is Apis still raking in the dough?"

_SPLOOSH!_

The unmistakable sound of something displacing a few hundred gallons of water and a round of cheers and applause sounded from outside. Bartolomeo blinked, then sat back in his chair.

"We'll give 'er a few more minutes," he decided.

"Who'd have thought that putting on a Sea King water show would rake in that much cash?" Gin mused.

"Mohmoo's cuteness is a major factor in the draw," Goldenweek deadpanned. "Trust me, I know."

"But didn't she say he's not actually a Sea King?" Gin grunted.

"Kyahaha! So he can only swallow fishing boats rather than entire battleships? Not much of a difference there!" Valentine chortled. "Especially not to people who've never seen an _actual_ Sea King!"

"Fair 'nuff…"

"Aaanyways…" Barto leered viciously. "Seeing as we've got time… HEY, BARKEEP!" he hollered at the, well, barkeep. "We're gonna be cracking a few heads in a few minutes! You got anything for the job?"

The bartender scratched his chin thoughtfully for a moment before drawing out and dropping a baseball bat onto the countertop. "Might I suggest a Winders softball bat? Mostly oak, but the ash twist offers a most _admirable_ stability!"

Barto's turned his ear-to-ear grin on his crewmates, and he spread his arms wide. "Ya just gotta _love_ bars with homey atmospheres!"

**-o-**

"And _that_ is why you should never wear concentric circles on your shirt, ever," I concluded, nodding my head sagely as I leaned back in my seat, my arms crossed behind my head. "Aaanyway, that brings my seminar on why not to tempt fate to a close. Here's hoping that if nothing else, it serves to remind my crew and me why we should think before opening our mouths. Aside from Luffy, of course, because he's as hopeless as his grandfather that way."

" _I AM NOT!"_ the rubber man yelled through one of my desk's pipes with unnecessary volume. " _ANYWAY, GET DOWN HERE, CROSS! WE FOUND A—uh… SOMETHING COOL FLOATING BY THE SHIP!"_

I froze and then found myself appreciating that Luffy had actually had the sense to _not_ identify what they found if it was what I think it was, while I still had the SBS running. Maybe he didn't want to be compared to Garp enough to overcome his stupidity? Meh, either way, it was time to go.

"Alright, viewers, that's my cue to call it a day. So, until next time, this is Soundbite—"

" _And_ **Jeremiah Cro** — _WAIT,_ WHAT?"

"—Of the SBS, signing off," I continued without missing a beat, hanging up the transceiver in its cradle. That done, I shot a grin at a reluctantly smirking Soundbite before punching the key in my desk that connected to the deck. "Lemme take a flying guess: you morons just put a _shark_ in the fishtank and you also found a barrel with a black sail on it?"

" _Yeah, we've got it here now,"_ Usopp responded. " _Offerings to the sea god, apparently."_

"Sea _devil,_ more like," I scoffed darkly. "Tell Luffy and Zoro that there's no food or booze in there for them and then stash it somewhere safe. That being said…" I pushed down the keys I needed so that my voice carried everywhere on the ship. "Nami, if you'd check the air pressure…?"

"… _sonnuva bitch_ ALL HANDS ON DECK! WE'VE GOT AN AIRBORNE _MAELSTROM_ COMING DOWN ON OUR HEADS!"

"On my way, over and out," I saluted, closing my desk up and re-donning my bag and snail.

" _GO TIME?"_ Soundbite queried.

"Big time," I nodded in solemn confirmation. With that, I exited through the trapdoor and roped down to the deck. Merry was already at the helm and running her hands over the controls, and subsequently preparing the entire Sunny about as fast as the rest of us could working together.

I was still looking around when my attention was snagged…

"Um, Cross?"

By none other than our resident gunner, prompting me to look at Conis. She was currently wearing a dark brown duster jacket over a light gray shirt with a silhouette of a double-headed eagle emblazoned on it, as a pair of rust-colored combat shorts.

"Yeah, what's up?" I asked.

"Well… I'm sorry, I don't mean to doubt you and Nami, but, well…" Conis glanced upward, one hand scratching underneath her beret.

"What my good partner is _trying_ to ask," Su piped up, leaping onto Conis' shoulder and absentmindedly scratching at her orange-bandanna-tied neck with her hind leg. "Is if you're _really_ sure that a storm's coming. I mean, come on!" She waved her paw up at the sky. "There isn't a cloud in the—what are you doing?"

The cloud-fox asked that question in response to my sliding my hood on. Just for the record, I myself was clad in a dark-gray hoodie with a skeleton design spread across my back, the hood itself looking like the top half of a skull. I also had on a pair of black cargo pants, and my equally black shirt had the same cross-moline/cross-bones design that I had on my cap.

I smiled at the fox through the shadow of my hood and hat. "Oooh, I'm just relishing in the fact that you seem to have utterly _ignored_ the lecture I just gave the world."

The world was kind enough to vindicate me via a bolt of lightning suddenly _CRACK_ ing down from the sky next to our ship, and the heavens disgorging all they could on us before the flash had even ended.

My smile widened as I regarded the drowned rat currently shivering on our gunner's shoulder. "See?"

"S-S-Sometimes, I really love this ocean," a shivering and murderous Su snarled. "O-Other times, I f-f-find myself wishing I h-had enough dexterity in my paws to _flip it off_ like you humans can."

"If you really wanna piss off the ocean, I suggest you do it the same way that every other pirate, Marine or otherwise does it!" Funkfreed offered as he basked in the gale force winds.

Su blinked at the elephant-sword in confusion. "And that would be…?"

" _ **YO,"**_ Soundbite drawled.

Su stared flatly at my partner for a second before snapping her attention to me. "I'll settle for mauling Cross."

I blinked in confusion at that. "Wait, wha—?"

Su leaped off Conis' shoulder at me, snarling the whole…

_CLENCH!_

"ACK!"

And promptly yelped in shock when I snagged her out of the air by her epithet, holding her flailing soggy form a _niiiice_ foot away from my face.

"Nice try, but I've been training almost since the first day I arrived to survive this crazy journey. See what that's gotten me, eh?" I said with a triumphant grin.

"Yooooou…" Su snarled darkly.

"Yes, Cross, you can keep a pint-sized fox from mauling you, very admirable," Nami called down from her usual position of command on the quarterdeck.

"Now, if you don't mind?" Merry piped up from the helm she was all but bodily wrestling with to make it cooperate.

"GET BACK TO WORK!" the pair yelled in unison.

A particularly vicious swell and angling of the deck prompted me to toss Su back to Conis, and the both of us set to work, grappling with what lines Merry offered us in an effort to help stabilize Sunny and keep the Grand Line from sending us all for an impromptu swim. Despite Merry and Sunny being capable of handling most Grand Line weather on their own, we had all learned our places in case of bigger storms.

Granted, for all the spontaneity, it wasn't really _that_ bad for Grand Line standards, especially since the new Sunny seemed equipped to handle everything. Waves taller than the Sunny itself? Yep, rode 'em like a veteran cowboy. Lightning striking all around us and nearly hitting _us_ in the process? Absolutely, with only the rubber coverings on the mast tops saving us. Currents hard enough that Merry had to spin out the Soldier Dock System's paddles? You damn well betcha.

An iceberg just as tall and twice as wide as our roaring steed?

That… actually got us to pause in shock and no small amount of fear.

"Uhhh, _Merry?"_ I called up hesitantly, eyeing the wall of ice that was fast bearing down on us. "I think that now might be a _really_ good time to show _that_ trick off!"

"Cross, there's no way we're going to squander the first time we use Sunny's _SUPER!_ secret weapon on something like an Ice-For-Br—uh, I mean, an iceberg," Franky cut in, then grinned. "We dipped into the Dial arsenal to plan for that. Show off the Leo Fangs, Merry!"

"WAY AHEAD OF YOU!" Merry called back with a grin, pulling a lever beside her.

I heard a sound of shifting wood, but nothing seemed to happen, and we just kept growing closer to the iceberg… and closer… and _closer!—_

KRA- _KRACK-_ _ **KSSSH!**_

And then everyone aside from Merry and Franky dropped their jaws. Why, you may ask? Because as soon as we made contact with the iceberg, _it split in half. Clean_ in half, by the way. I caught my reflection in the ice as we passed.

"…I completely approve," Leo breathed, stars twinkling in his eyes alongside his fellow apprentices, Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper.

"I don't!" Boss snorted, his chest puffed out indignantly. "I coulda easily totaled that 'berg with a single punch!"

" _Cough-_ compensating- _cough,"_ Merry coughed into her fist over the wind.

"BITE ME! _NOT YOU!"_ Boss barked at our helmsgirl before snapping his flipper at an open-mouthed Soundbite.

"What… just happened?" Zoro managed, completely failing to hide his shock.

"I'd say that we've just witnessed what happened to those Axe Dials I stripped off of that obese bastard Eneru had acting as his general…" Robin mused.

"Yep! Franky fit them into Big Bro Sunny's bow!" Merry cackled. "Anything that tries attacking us from the front'll be split clean in two!"

" _ **BOW-**_ CHICKA- _BOW_ - **WOW!"**

"Nothing but good taste _,_ eh, Soundbite?" Lassoo snickered as he yanked at a rope clenched in his teeth.

"HEY!" Nami barked at us. "If you're not scared of the storm that's _still_ raging around us, I _seriously_ recommend you be scared of _me! SO GET TO IT!"_

"GETTING TO IT!" we all chorused, rushing back to work.

But that icebreaker was the only really notable occurrence as we rushed to and fro, fighting against mother nature, until finally…

I was standing on Sunny's foredeck when it happened. The storm, it… it didn't so much let up or anything as it just seemed to stop entirely. And the clouds… rather than dissipating, it was as though we suddenly ran headfirst into them. One second we were all clear, the next the fog was suddenly just _there_ , hanging all around us, twisting and coiling and shifting and…

Ladies and gentlemen… the _illustrious_ Florian Triangle.

Nodding to myself as I confirmed that we had entered the ghostly stretch of seas, I looked back down at the lawn-deck, where the rest of the crew was talking amongst themselves with varying degrees of nervousness… including Usopp? Wait, shouldn't Sanji have been busting his—?

…Of course. He never left the crew. He heard about it from Kokoro the same as the rest of us did. He had no reason to be any more negative than—

'… _frack,'_ I winced as the thought ran through my head, but I did my best to keep my cool. So, with as much casualness as I could muster, I leaned on the foredeck's railing and leered down at our sniper. "Oh, Usopp?" I sang.

He stiffened slightly before glaring up at me. "Cross, I am making every attempt to _not_ start freaking out by focusing on how far I've come at this point. I would appreciate if you _didn't_ try to get me freaking out."

Aaand that was the confirmation that I needed to break out my contingency plan. Before that, though… I nodded wordlessly to Usopp, who I think might have been even more shaken by the way I just turned away and started looking out into the fog.

"Soundbite, listen everywhere in your range," I muttered. "Can you hear anything? A ship, larger than the Sunny? Someone singing, a _lone_ someone who by all rights shouldn't be singing? Anything, anything at all?"

The snail shrank in on himself at my tight tone, but nonetheless closed his eyes and focused. After a scant few seconds, however, he opened his eyes and shook his head. " _Nada._ _ **Silent as**_ **THE GRAVE."** A small trail of sweat appeared on his shell. " _THAT'S… ACTUALLY A BIT TOO_ **literal. This ocean, it's…** _ **I KNOW WHAT I SAID BEFORE, BUT IT'S LITERALLY TOO QUIET.**_ THIS PLACE… _it's not right."_

"My thoughts exactly," I sighed, shaking my head as I looked back at the crew, just in time for Nami to question me.

"So, Cross," she grit out uncertainly, spinning the lightning section of her Clima-Tact in her hand her Eisen Tempo coiled protectively around her. "This place is a ghost ocean, right? So… how do we get out of here?"

I shut my eyes as I considered, my thoughts drifting to the damned barrel resting in our hold, but there was only one response I could give.

"Just… we keep going," I muttered, my eyes sweeping the horizon—or lack thereof—all the while. "We keep on keeping on. We'll get where we need to… eventually."

"What's wrong, Cross?" Luffy piped up from where he was hanging from a line, his head tilted to the side.

I hesitated slightly at the question before shaking my head and turning away. "It's… it's nothing. We just have to keep sailing and get to where we need to, that's… that's all." I started gnawing on my metal-encased thumb as I stared into the more-grey-than-expected abyss. "Just… need to get there. Need to get—"

"Cross."

My heart felt like it was about to burst from my chest when a hand suddenly landed on my shoulder. I spun around and grabbed the limb, ready to blast it clean off with an Impa—!

" **Calm down!"**

And then, out of the blue, my blood pressure flatlined and I was standing in front of a visibly concerned Robin, my hand tightly clasped around her wrist.

A quick glance to the side revealed that Vivi was there too, watching me just as anxiously. She was currently wearing a light green hooded vest with a white trim over an emerald-scaled tank top, a pair of white jeans along with a green half-skirt, and on her exposed arms she had hung a pair of sashes that were white and bore green snake-like patterns, running from bracelets on her wrists to armlets on her upper arms, just below her shoulders.

I was panting as I stared at Robin, sweat collecting on the back of my neck, and finally I wrenched my grip open and let her go in favor of my own wrist, refusing to meet her gaze. "I…" I only just managed to get the words out thanks to my already waning calm. "I'm fine. It's just… nerves is all."

Robin tested her fingers before slowly raising her hand to clasp my shoulder again, which once again got a flinch out of me. "I think we both know that's a lie, Cross."

"Robin's right," Vivi nodded, her expression one of pure concern. "You deal with your nerves by laughing it off and making off color jokes that make me want to wring your—!" She trailed off when Robin shot a _look_ at her. "…right, sorry. But still, Cross, this…" She waved her hand at me. " _This_ is out of character."

I sighed, and shook my head. "It's… It's nothing. Nothing you can do about it. We just…" I shook my head firmly. "We just need to get out of here, alright? Just have to do what we need to do and… and _get—!"_ My teeth clamped down on the inside of my cheek, and I shot my crewmates a pleading look. "I…I'll be fine. I-I _will_ be fine."

Vivi and Robin exchanged uncertain looks, but ultimately Robin gave my shoulder a final reassuring squeeze before they both walked away, leaving me alone on the foredeck with Soundbite and Merry, who was too engrossed with her work to pay much attention to me as I started pacing.

In all honesty… Brook not showing up straight out of the gate wasn't my biggest concern. Time was a relative thing, after all, the travel time had shown me that, as had the filler arcs. It didn't mean much that it was taking a little more time for him to show up. Other people might have been worried, but I wasn't. I had complete and total faith that sooner or later that ship would come looming from the fog, bearing our (current) final crewmate, I just… I _knew_ it.

No… no, the reason for my fear was… well, it was the Florian Triangle itself.

Just as he had done so many times before, Oda had failed to fully capture the truth of this location, but for once I wish I didn't have to learn that first hand. Why? Simple: Because the mists of the Triangle were just _wrong._ Not even evil, which would have somehow been better, just _wrong._

You see, sailing on the waters of the Grand Line, I'd come to expect certain standards from the sea; I'd come to expect ever-present motion from the waves and currents and winds tugging at our ship, I'd come to expect cloud banks both big and small and innumerable sizes in between drifting and twisting through the skies, free as only clouds could be, I'd come to expect… life. Pure _life._

And the Florian Triangle? The Triangle was as dead as dead could be. The water rose and sank, yes, but it was all a single smooth plane, without any breakage or energy. The air pushed and prodded at us, but it was too devoid of energy to even be a breeze. And the sky… well, the fog choked that out well enough.

The fog, that damn fog… _that_ was the worst of it, let me tell you. That fog was _everything_ wrong with this place, distilled into an ever-present, semi-physical aura. Hanging around us, on us, threading _through_ us, that damn off-color air just seemed to _scream_ the pure sentiment of _wrong-wrong-WRONG._

On our way to this place, I had braced myself for the horrors and terrors of Thriller Bark. But now that I was here, in this place, experiencing it firsthand? Now I knew the truth: Thriller Bark wasn't what made the Florian Triangle scary. Thriller Bark was made terrifying by the Triangle itself.

And so it went: for interminable minutes that felt like hours, I paced to and fro on our beloved ship, trying to keep myself from _freaking the hell out_ on account of this… this _alien place_ we were sailing in (not an ocean, _never_ an ocean) wanting to swallow us all.

The worst of it all, the part that really sold how devoid of life this area was, was the sheer _silence._ Sure, my crew and the Sunny were both making noise, but… but it just wasn't _enough._ Not in the face of the world seeming to cease to exist beyond the fog, not in the face of the _absence_ of life all around us.

The silence was just so deafening, I swear that I could hear my heart jackhammering in my chest, pounding in my own damn _head,_ louder and louder and _louder…_

Looking back on it, I don't know what prompted me to do it. Temporary insanity, maybe? Some deeper nerves or instinct I wasn't even aware of? Hell… maybe even my _friend_ on high deciding to be nice with its intervention for once.

In the end, it doesn't really matter why I did it, just that I did.

One second I was suffering in silence, and the next…

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"_

I suddenly opened my mouth and _sang._ It was just for a second, a _split-_ second even, but the sound of my own voice was as loud as cannonfire in face of the fog's oppressive silence, and it shocked me deep enough that I fell silent for a moment. But that noise, in the air of all the un-life I was drowning in, I clung to it like it was driftwood in a storm. And when the shock of it started to fade, I did the only thing I could do.

I sucked in a desperate breath and sang out anew.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…_ _Yo-hohoho,_ _ **Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"**_

I started slightly when a second voice echoed alongside mine in the refrain, but a slight nudge at my shoulder got me to catch sight of Soundbite, who was grinning shakily at me. It was a scared smile, filled with terror and unease, but his presence alone gave me a dash of courage, and helped me forge on.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"_ he and I repeated as loud as we dared, our voices ringing clear in the mists. " _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"_

" _Gather up all of the crew…"_

Soundbite and I snapped our heads around at the third voice that suddenly joined our chorus.

Merry donned a hesitant grin even as she maintained her death grip on the helm. " _It's time to ship out Binks' brew…"_

My partner and I exchanged a look for before grinning. I then walked over to her, dropped my hand on her shoulder, and joined her in singing.

" _Sea-wind blows, To where? Who knows?"_ we sang together, defying the Triangle the only way we could. " _The waves will be our guide!"_

" _O'er across the ocean's tide…"_

This time, I didn't jump when Robin grasped my shoulder. Rather, I smiled at her and clutched her hand reassuringly as we continued. " _Rays of sunshine far and wide—"_

" _Birds they sing, Of cheerful things, In circles passing by!"_ Luffy's eager voice laughed up from the deck.

All four of us started in shock at the sudden interjection, and we turned to look over the railing at the lawn.

Luffy was simply hanging upside down from the rigging, swaying to and fro as he obliviously sang his joy to the world at large. " _Bid farewell to weaver's town, Say so long to port renowned—"_

He suddenly dropped down to the lawn and slung his arms around Chopper and Usopp's shellshocked shoulders, swaying them back and forth to the tune. " _Sing a song, It won't be long!"_

The other two corners of the Kiddy Trio exchanged bemused looks for a second before grinning widely and grasping Luffy's shoulders in turn. " _Before we're casting off!"_ they cried out.

I only had to watch the trio for a second before re-donning my grin and picking up alongside them. " _Cross the gold and silver seas, A salty spray puts us at ease!"_

Robin joined in on the " _Day and night,"_ Merry picked up on " _To our delight,"_ and Soundbite tied us all together with a nigh-euphoric " _ **THE VOYAGE NEVER ENDS!"**_

We _were_ about to forge on, oblivious of the bemused looks the rest of the crew were giving all of us, but then…

" _Gather up all of the crew,"_ an absolutely _angelic_ voice resonated across the deck, and we all turned to regard Vivi in awe as she swayed back and forth on her feet, her eyes closed in concentration and her hands clasped over her chest as she vocalized. " _It's time to ship out Binks' brew! Pirates we, Eternally, Are challenging… the…_ ah… sea?" Vivi trailed off with a squeak as she suddenly realized that all eyes were on her. "I… ah…"

Vivi started when Nami suddenly rested her arm on her shoulder, and outright gaped when _she_ started singing. " _With the waves to rest our heads,"_ Nami recited wistfully, staring into the aether with a dreamy look in her eyes. " _Ship beneath us as our beds… Hoisted high, Upon the mast, Our Jolly Roger flies…"_

And that, quite simply, was the final straw.

" _Somewhere in the endless sky, Stormy winds are blowing wide,"_

It was gradual and hesitant at first, with people piping in one after another.

" _Waves are dancing, Evening comes—"_

Heck, some of our crewmates didn't even _know_ the words to the song, though Soundbite was swift to remedy that with some audio subtitles.

But in the end, no matter how clunky or off-tune we sounded, the end result was utterly unmistakable.

" _It's time to sound the druuuums!"_ This line was sung in unison by _everyone._

And that was the whole point: we were singing as a _crew,_ every one of us, all having come to stand together on the lawn, our voices pushing against the silence and fighting _back_ against the Triangle _._

" _But steady men, and never fear, Tomorrow's skies are always clear!"_ we sang with a single voice, our words echoing out into and throughout the void. " _So pound your feet, And clap your hands 'Til sunny days retuuuuurn!"_

I grinned euphorically as I cast my gaze about the deck, taking in everyone's expressions of exhiliration, of… of _unity!_ This was just… it was incredible! Just moments ago, I'd felt like the Grim Reaper himself had had his bony fingers clenched around my throat, but now…

But _now…!_

My brain suddenly shifted into overdrive as an idea blazed to life, and I dashed past everyone so that I could get into the guy's quarters and wrench open and jump down the hatch to the storage room. Once inside, I started rummaging through the crates we had stocked up. I knew we'd bought one on an island we'd passed awhile back, I just _knew it,_ now where—?

There! I beamed eagerly before wrenching the crate open, scooping up a few of the contents and running back up and out onto the deck. In response to everyone's confused looks, I tossed one of the items I was holding at Sanji.

The second the cook caught the paper lantern, his and everyone else's faces lit up with unrestrained joy.

From there… there were no words exchanged, no orders or instructions. Everyone just… just _moved!_ Maybe we were acting on pure instinct, maybe we were so in synch with one another that we didn't need them, I don't know.

All I know is that the next five minutes were filled with motion and mounting excitement. We hung and lit lines of paper lanterns, crate after barrel of provisions and cola and booze were hauled out, Sanji fired up the grill, and _someone_ had the bright idea to haul the piano out of the Aquarium Lounge.

After that, in what felt like no time at all, the Thousand Sunny was as radiant as its name implied, glowing from dozens of paper lanterns fighting back against the oppressive fog around us. Food and drink flowed freely, good times and cheer were held in even the dourest of our crewmates, and above all else?

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

The singular song, nay, the _anthem_ that we were all belting out, that we were displaying as prominently as any army would carry a banner into war.

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

Because that's what our actions _really_ boiled down to: we were fighting for our very _lives._ The Florian Triangle, it wanted to choke us out with its _WRONG,_ with its un-life, so we were fighting back the only way we had, the only way we could: with _life._ With so much light and noise and pure _life_ that we could _never_ be snuffed out, a life burning so bright that the mists and all the terror they carried with them couldn't even _touch us._

And as I stood by Robin, my hand on her shoulder as she let her fingers fly across the ivory keys in a display of more energy and enthusiasm than I'd _ever_ seen her show, I had a perfect view of that life in its entirety.

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

I could see Conis and Franky plucking and strumming their respective string instruments with glee, matching the song as best they could. I could see Boss, Zoro and Nami knocking back shot after shot from a barrel they'd cracked open, all _three_ of them looking utterly sauced from the way their cheeks were glowing and they were howling with laughter. I could see Vivi giggling as Sanji heaped dish after handmade dish on her, even as she passed off half to a slowly swelling but still gorging Carue. I could see Merry moving her hands about like a conductor, directing the slightly off-key backing vocals of Su, Lassoo, and Funkfreed. I could see the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad staggering around completely off-balance, having _somehow_ formed an impromptu totem pole on each other's shoulders that had a wildly flailing Leo on top and a struggling Donny on the bottom. I could even see the Kiddy Quartet kicking their legs up in drunken synch, Brook's afro bobbing to the—!

…waaaait a second.

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

My eyes all but popped out of my skull when, yes, the _damn walking skeleton_ actually joined in with the chorus we were belting out, and a quick glance around confirmed that _yes,_ at some point or another a positively titanic vessel had docked alongside our Sunny!

Holy hell, we must have been so caught up in our festivities that he slipped right in.

I was _just_ contemplating how I should handle this development when Brook suddenly split away from the Kiddies and loped over to a nearby barrel, springing onto it with a single bound. It was when he drew a violin and bow from his coat that I had a burst of inspiration.

Moving fast, I signaled at Soundbite and picked up the mic from my transceiver, and a moment later all noise on deck died save for that from two sources: Robin's playing on the piano, which I encouraged with a hasty squeeze of her shoulder, and Brook himself. Hence, everyone's attention was immediately snagged when the skeleton put his bow to the strings and started to play the most _beautiful_ music I'd ever heard from an instrument.

I'm not kidding here, Brook's playing was… it was _transcendent._ Soundbite had played a few violin pieces before, sure, but they _all_ paled when compared to this. The sheer crispness of the notes, the resonance I felt in my chest, the utter _emotion_ so obviously packed into each and every chord…

And then… he began to _sing._

**-One minute earlier-**

" _Don don don don!"_

"Heh, Cross seems to be making a habit of starting a new SBS within a couple of hours of the last one," Crocus mused as he dislodged his snail's mic, Laboon having breached as close to the lighthouse as close as he could, as he always did whenever he heard the siren call of his new friends' broadcast.

This broadcast, however, was made different. Instead of an introduction, they were met by the sounds of a piano coming across, no vocals.

Then, all at once, a violin joined in with the piano. Crocus smiled wistfully as he identified the tune, and reached for a bottle of rum. Laboon, meanwhile, was swaying in the waves with just as melancholy of an expression.

"So, that's how you've elected to conquer the ghosts of Florian, is it?" Crocus sighed wistfully as he toasted the bottle. "Good. Good for them. To your good health, my friends…" And with that, he knocked the bottle back.

" _Gather up all of the crew, It 's time to ship out Binks ' brew."_

"PFFFT!" _CRASH!_

The retired doctor then proceeded to sputter out his drink in shock, the bottle slipping from his suddenly lax grasp and smashing to the ground. But Crocus paid it no mind, too occupied with gaping at his snail with wide, shock-filled eyes. Even Laboon, rambunctious as he usually was, fell deathly silent, for fear of accidentally drowning out even so much as a _single_ syllable.

" _Wave goodbye, But don't you cry, Our memories remain,"_ the familiar voice crooned, a tone of longing and sadness to it, but sheer joy and euphoria ringing true like _clarion._ " _Our days are but a passing dream, Everlasting though they seem. Beneath the moon we'll meet again, The wind's our lullaby…"_

"…The Revive-Revive Fruit," Crocus breathed in realization, raising a shaking hand to his mouth as tears welled up in his eyes. "The Triangle… This whole time, you've been in the _Triangle…_ "

A few tears slipped down Crocus' face at first, but then…

" _HAHAHAHA!"_ the wizened keeper threw his head back and howled with laughter, slapping his knee uproariously as he wept with glee. "THEY FOUND HIM, LABOON! THOSE KIDS, THOSE ABSOLUTELY INSANE, _WONDERFUL_ KIDS FOUND HIM! _HAHAHAHAAAAAA!"_

Laboon remained frozen for another few seconds, still trying to properly process just what he was hearing. Then, rearing his head back—

" _ **BWOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"**_

He threw his head back and all but _blasted_ the glass out of the lighthouse's windows with his titanic bellow. But unlike so many times before, this wasn't a cry of sorrow, of heartrending misery, but one of _joy._ It was a cry of love and joy, filled with ecstasy and punctuated by the fountains of tears that cascaded down the relatively young whale's mass, matching his age-old caretaker _exactly_.

**-o-**

" _So gather up… all of… the…"_

The sound of the party on the other side faltered for a few seconds following the solo, an air of uncertainty and hesitation coming across the connection…

" _SO GATHER UP ALL OF THE CREW, IT'S TIME TO SHIP OUT BINKS' BREW!"_ Until Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah Cross suddenly chorused as one, pumping as much pure and unmitigated energy into our voices as possible. " _SEA-WIND BLOWS, TO WHERE? WHO KNOWS? THE WAVES WILL BE OUR GUIDE!"_

And just like that, the rest of the Straw Hats joined in and took the song from the very top as though nothing had happened, the newest addition to the voices joining in with glee.

" _O'er across the ocean's tide, Rays of sunshine far and wide, Birds they sing, Of cheerful things, In circles passing by!"_

A few miles away from the infamous Triangle, on an island relatively safe for pirates to land upon, one of the most infamous buccaneers of his generation scowled down at his hand, which was trembling at the very _thought_ of that infernal patch of the sea.

"Those damn Straw Hats… they're just more _pirates…"_ X. Drake growled to himself. He then snapped his shivering hand into a tight fist and rammed it into a nearby wall, glaring at nothing as the wood splintered around the point of impact.

"So _why_ do they have to make it so hard to _not_ respect them?!"

**-o-**

"It's been far too long since we last heard this song," Shanks declared, his crew already moving to set up a party.

"Took him some time, but it looks like Luffy _finally_ managed to snag that musician he was always going on about!" Lucky Roo laughed around the chunk out of meat he was chewing.

"And as usual," Beckman sighed contentedly as he waved his fingers in tune with the, well, tune. "He couldn't have been satisfied with anything short of the _best."_

"A ROUND FOR OUR UP-AND-COMING RIVALS!" Shanks finally burst out, coercing a round of cheers from his crewmates.

" _Bid farewell to weaver's town, Say so long to port renowned! Sing a song, It won't be long, Before we're casting off! Cross the gold and silver seas, A salty spray puts us at ease, Day and night, To our delight, The voyage never ends!"_

**-o-**

" _Gather up all of the crew, It' s time to ship out Binks' brew—"_

" _Pirates, we eternally are challenging the sea,"_ Whitebeard rumbled with a wide grin.

" _With the waves to rest our heads,"_ Marco intoned.

" _Ship beneath us as our beds,"_ Haruta continued.

" _Hoisted high upon the mast, our Jolly Roger flies!"_ sang the whole Moby Dick, at the same time making a massive toast towards their own flag, which they all would later swear grinned all the wider that night.

**-o-**

"That does it, now it's official," Rayleigh chuckled, pouring a bottle of rum. "Everything for them is on the house when they finally make it here."

"Hell, I just might pay _them_ to leave some physical proof that they did us the honor of staying here," Shakky sighed with a smile. "This melody is so nostalgic… _Somewhere in the endless sky, Stormy winds are blowing by,"_ she sang along with the SBS.

" _Waves are dancing, Evening comes,"_ Raleigh hummed, slinging his arm around her shoulders and swaying with her to the music. " _It's time to sound the drums…"_

" _But steady, men, and never fear, Tomorrow's skies are always clear. So pound your feet, And clap your hands, 'Til sunny days return,"_ the two sang together.

**-o-**

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_ Buggy sang right back, chorusing along with his most hated enemies on the six seas as he swung his pickaxe with more vigor than he'd had moments before.

The rest of the work that had been going on in the tunnel halted, the Buggy Pirates staring at their captain in shock.

"C-Captain Buggy, you're actually _singing_ with them?!" Cabaji sputtered in shock.

"HAHAHAHA! But of course!" Buggy cackled exuberantly, working with an almost religious fervor and a more honest grin than most of his men had ever seen. "I may hate that damn Straw Hat with a flashy passion, but not even _that_ can start to get in the way of my enjoying a hearty round of Binks' Brew! The finest of pirate songs, and filled with memories of the best, worst…" Buggy's grin twitched viciously. "And absolute _craziest_ years of my life, and the _best_ parties of my life!

"So, _yes_ , Cabaji!" The clown-themed pirate suddenly swung around and pointed his pickaxe at his crewmate. "I could give a flashy _flip_ about the singers! So long as it's that song being sung, then I can't help but sing sing _sing!"_

And with that, the captain returned to work with renewed energy.

The rest of the crew exchanged looks for a moment before rejoining him, both in working…

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

And in singing their hearts out.

**-o-**

In a small camp not far from the beach where a battleship was anchored, three figures knelt beside a campfire, listening to the sound of the snail.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

"You know, this song isn't half-bad," Tashigi mused to herself, smiling and humming to herself as she held a sausage over the fire.

"Mrph…" Smoker grunted dismissively, wholly ignoring the way his cigar smoke _appeared_ to be waving to and fro in time with the music.

The white-furred rabbit-wolf hybrid that was sitting on the other side of the fire across from the pair chuffed blandly, paying neither the Marines nor the song any heed in favor of the marshmallow roasting on the spike at the end of his hammer.

**-o-**

" _Gather up all of the crew, It 's time to ship out Binks ' brew. Wave goodbye, But don't you cry, Our memories remain,"_ sang out the undersea kingdom's twin princes in synch with the Straw Hats, much to the delight of their big little sister, who was spending the SBS in one of her visits to the throne room rather than her Hard Shell Tower.

" _Our days are but a passing dream, Everlasting though they seem, Beneath the moon we'll meet again, The wind's our lullaby,"_ Neptune sighed happily. "Ah, it's moments like this that make me grateful that the Straw Hats provided such an inestimable opportunity, jamon."

Indeed, not long after Enies Lobby, the Ryugu King had elected to spread an ultimatum to all corners of his kingdom in an effort to guarantee that it would reach its recipient. The message was thus: if Vander Decken tried throwing _anything_ at his daughter during the SBS, even a _pebble…_ then he would see to it that all of the seas surrounding Fishman Island _burned_ , and the _Flying Dutchman_ and every thrice-damned soul onboard along with them.

Since then, there had been grace periods punctuating the ever-present onslaught of 'gifts' and advances. None long enough to get to the Sea Forest and back, but it was a major improvement, and he'd take it.

"I wasn't sure the Straw Hats actually knew this song, Father. I mean, the only reason we know it is because of Whitebeard," Fukaboshi remarked as he floated alongside his father.

"Hoh hoh hoh hoh!" the Lord of Ryugu Kingdom chortled joyously. "That particular miracle, I believe we can attribute to the new voice whom I can only _assume_ is their newly acquired musician! But! Even so, the Straw Hats remain the epitome of the unexpected, my son, jamon. And their actions right now are all the more proof of that, jamon."

Fukaboshi blinked in confusion, and Neptune lay back in his throne with a look upward that was equal parts wistful and haunted.

"If I remember the geography surrounding Water 7 correctly, the Straw Hat Pirates are currently sailing through an accursed stretch of ocean known as the Florian Triangle. It's a frightening place even for hardened sailors, jamon. I myself dread the mere thought of swimming under it, much less sailing in the ever-present fog that has doubtless driven so many sailors insane in the past, jamon. And rather than succumbing, what do we have the Straw Hats doing?" He spread his arms out wide with a hearty chuckle. "Why, they're fending off all the dread, gloom and doom with a song and a party, jamon! Truly as admirable as Roger and Whitebeard themselves!"

The prince processed that before shaking his head in awe. "They _are_ incredible."

The king nodded, and as he went back to enjoying the music, Fukaboshi subtly snatched up a bottle of sake and swam near the outside of the room. He held it out behind his back and smiled lightly as he felt it leave. "You're always welcome, you know," the prince whispered before swimming back.

The recipient of the drink only responded with a wistful sigh and a smile as he opened the bottle and poured himself a cup.

" _Gather up all of the crew, It's time to ship out Binks' brew. Sing a song, and play along for all the oceans wide,"_ the old former guard of the palace sang along beneath his breath, sipping down the brew as he sat so close to his old patrol.

**-o-**

And around the world, in the handful of cemeteries where the undertakers had taken to setting up Transponder Snails both to listen to the SBS themselves and to provide whatever comfort they could to those that rested—for there were many stranger things that they had learned of—it did happen that as some of them looked out among the tombstones…

Perhaps it was merely a trick of the light or dark. But those watchers would swear until the day they died that beside certain markers—markers in the North, West and East Blue, along with several in Paradise—there appeared translucent figures who danced jovially to the sound of the song.

" _After all is said and done, You'll end up a skeleton, So spread your tale from dawn 'til dusk upon these foamy seas!"_

**-o-**

And so the party went, on and on for who knows how long, until we ran out of energy and quite simply _couldn't_ carry on any longer. Sure, we were sore as hell and tired once it was over, and the hangovers would be apocalyptic, but damn it all, it was _worth it._

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

But you know, for all that the end of the party was a blank-ass blur, I do remember _one_ thing: the mist. As the party dragged on, the mist came back aboard the Sunny, weaving around us. But… it wasn't a sickly purple, it wasn't not-alive. Rather… it was yellow. A healthy, _vibrant_ yellow that couldn't be anything other than _life._ And as the party ran on and on, I swear to you, that mist, it looked like people, dozens at once, all partying alongside us. And as we sang, I swear that their voices all joined us in chorus, celebrating our victory over the Florian Triangle.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo! Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo! Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo! Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hooooooo…"_

**-o-**

"Yohohohohoho! My goodness! I do apologize for so rudely intruding upon your ship, but I couldn't quite help myself! I haven't had so much fun in decades!"

Yeeeaaah… fun as the party was, once it came to an end, and the SBS along with it, we still had to address the elephant on the deck, and we'd _already_ handled Funkfreed.

Granted, while everyone was still a little disturbed, they weren't completely freaked out anymore, as evidenced by Usopp not yet wearing his exorcist garb. Kind of understandable, really. I mean, it's not like you can _really_ be that scared of someone after you've celebrated with them like we just had. That was good. Well, for now, best to play things nice and subtle, just to be sure that things didn't—

"Question!" Luffy piped up from where he was sitting cross-legged on the railing, sticking his hand in the air. "Are you a real skeleton?"

I promptly slapped a hand to my face. Really, what had I expected? " _Damn it,_ Luffy."

There was a ripple of shock throughout the crew, but Vivi was swift to plaster a shaky grin on her face and wave her hand dismissively. "N-N-Now Luffy, I-I-I'm _certain_ that's not the case! I-In spite of the utter _bullshit_ Cross spewed awhile back, th-th-the dead can't _really_ walk the earth!"

"Y-Y-Yeah, yeah!" Donny nodded frantically, his eyes spinning with panic. "I-I-It's obviously just a costume! A really really good costume! Right?" The poor dugong snapped his frantic grin on the subject of the conversation. " _R-R-Right!?"_

"No, I'm a real live skeleton," Brook responded casually, as though he were discussing the weather. "See?" Aaand with that he opened his skull up…

_TH-THWUMP!_

Aaaand down went Donny and Vivi, foaming at the mouth.

"Although…" Brook mused as he clicked his skull shut again. "I suppose I'm not actually a _live_ skeleton, seeing as I'm currently _dead! YOHOHOHOHO!"_ He nearly busted a rib as he suddenly doubled over with laughter. " _SKULL JOKE!"_

"HEEHEEHEE _ **hohohoHAHAHA!"**_ Soundbite joined him in his laughing. " **HILARIOUS!"**

There was a brief moment of discussion as everyone huddled…

"Question!" Aaaand then, of course, Luffy stuck his hand up like a dumbass _again._ "Do you poop?"

"DON'T ASK HIM THAT!" Nami roared, her exasperation with the situation apparently hitting an all-time high.

"Yes, I do poop," Brook answered with the utmost sincerity.

" _AND DON'T ANSWER IT EITHER!"_

"I'm guessing they hurt like hell…" Mikey bowed his head solemnly, before snapping his flippers up so that he was pointing at Brook with a shit-eating grin. "Because they're always bone-dry!"

"YOHOHOHOHO!" Brook laughed as he pointed right back. "SKULL JOKE!"

_SLA-SLAM!_

"THAT'S WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE!" Raphey roared as she towered above the pair's insensate and smoking forms, then turned towards our captain. "AND YOU—!"

"Oh, please, Raphey, allow me," I deadpanned. "Hey, Luffy, remember how I told you how being stupid was gonna start to hurt?"

"Eh?" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "Yeah. Why?"

By way of response, I raised my right hand and snapped my fingers.

_SLAM!_ "MMMPH!"

I was then rewarded by the sight of Luffy stumbling around with his head stuck in his chest thanks to a certain elephant slamming his trunk on his head. "Now, _that_ feels good," I sighed contentedly.

"Wow. I like this even more than my usual punches," Nami remarked.

"I'll keep that in mind," I nodded right back.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all fun and games to see Luffy get his just desserts!" Franky bit out nervously as he kept a wary eye on Brook. "But c'mon, can we _please_ focus on the undead guy on the deck?"

"Oh, certainly," Conis said calmly. She then… walked over to Brook, who'd recovered from Raphey's 'disciplining' with admirable swiftness, and gave him a politely shallow bow. "Welcome to the Thousand Sunny, Mister Skeleton, ship and home of the Straw Hat Pirates. My name is Conis, the crew's gunner, and this is my partner Su. Say hello to the nice skeleton, Su."

"Ooooh, _honey…"_ Su moaned, dragging her paw down her muzzle.

"Yohohoho! What a polite talking white fox!" Brook laughed as he doffed his hat in greeting. "I am Brook, gentleman skeleton! Truly, it is a pleasure to meet you all!"

"And it's a pleasure to meet you as well, Mister Brook!" Conis smiled beatifically, clasping his hand and shaking it enthusiastically. She was then broken out of her politeness by a tug on her leg, prompting her to glance down. "Yes, Merry?"

"Conis," the ship-girl started uncertainly. "You… _are_ aware that the living dead _aren't_ normal or common down here… right?"

Conis stared down at Merry a second longer before _slooowly_ returning her gaze to Brook… who'd leaned forwards so that his fleshless face was right in hers.

"Pardon me, young lady," he said with the utmost seriousness. "But may I please see your panties?"

Intriguingly enough, though Conis' expression remained petrified in a polite smile, her antenna-hairstyle actually twitched. Once, twice…

_FWUMP!_

Aaaand she'd just keeled forward and was out for the count, pushing up the bubbly alongside our princess and intellectual Dugong.

Lassoo cocked his eyebrow as he poked at the angel with his paw. "You'd think she'd be used to the weirdness after living with talking animals on a daily basis."

"Oh, of _course!"_ Brook laughed lightheartedly as he slapped a hand on his forehead. "I _knew_ I was forgetting something! If you'll excuse me… GOOD GOD YOUR ANIMALS ARE TALKING!" the 'gentleman' skeleton shrieked as he leaped several feet in the air.

" _LIKE YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO FREAK OUT OVER SOMETHING THAT NORMAL!"_ pretty much… _everyone_ really, roared at him in response.

"Alright, that's it," I groaned, walking over and yanking the skeleton out of the tree he'd inadvertently leaped into and subsequently drawing everyone's attention. "Yes, everyone, skeletons aren't supposed to be alive. On the other hand, animals aren't supposed to talk, either. Also, reindeer shouldn't be part human, guns shouldn't turn into dachshunds, swords shouldn't turn into elephants, ships shouldn't turn into girls, people shouldn't be able to stretch or grow limbs anywhere and everywhere and WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT WHEN WE'VE TRAVELED ALMOST HALF OF THE FREAKING _GRAND LINE?!"_ I capped off by roaring my exasperation to the high heavens because _holy hell how were they still all this thick, especially the two_ living _thanks to damn Devil—_ oh right, one was halfway senile… now I just made myself _sad…_

On the other hand, everyone else on the crew was looking very suitably chastised, especially the erstwhile fainted whom I had apparently woken up, and the other Fruit Users.

…well, most of the other Fruit Users, at any rate, Luffy's head was still—

_POP!_ "GAH! AIR!"

Oh, no, never mind, he'd just reached in and pulled his head out. Kinda freaky.

"Whoo, I almost died…" Luffy panted with relief before looking around in confusion. "What'd I miss?"

"Devil Fruit," Zoro deadpanned, pointing at Brook.

"Everyone else on this ship being as dimwitted as you," I deadpanned at the same time.

"Awww…" Luffy sagged for a second, at the news about Brook if I had to guess, before perking up with his usual smile. "Still pretty cool, though! Hey, I've been trying to find a musician since the start! Wanna join my crew?"

"WHAT?!" most of the crew yelled.

"Why, I'd love to!" Brook responded pleasantly.

" _WHAAAAAT!?"_

" _Funkfreed,"_ Nami snarled murderously.

"No no," I waved the elephant down. "I'm actually gonna let this one slide."

" _Are you—?"_

"THE TDWS FORMALLY PROTESTS THE INCLUSION OF A LIVING SKELETON ON OUR CREW!" Leo barked suddenly, drawing everyone's attention to where the aforementioned quartet of dugongs were all looking with varying degrees of nervousness at Brook. Well, that wouldn't do.

"Did I mention he's a swordsman?" I posed innocently.

"LIKE I WAS SAYING, WELCOME TO THE CREW, BROOK!" Leo exclaimed, shaking the musician's bony hand while two of his fellow apprentices sagged in defeat, and Mikey seemed to perk up.

"Wait!"

The humor of the situation cut off when, of all people, _Merry_ spoke up, her gaze focused on the galleon beside us and… filled with sadness? "The old man, he… he's really sad, but… he says that Brook _can't_ join because…" She slowly turned her sorrowful gaze to Brook. "Because he's already a captain. Captain Brook… of the Rumbar Pirates."

…So, _that's_ how a skeleton can look simultaneously poleaxed and sorrowful. "I… ah, I… y-yes, I suppose that's… I-I-I'm sorry, it's just that for a moment…"

" _Rumbar…_ **Rumbar…** _ **where have I heard that before?"**_ Soundbite muttered on my shoulder.

I opened my mouth to tell Soundbite to clam it, but then I actually _thought._

And then instead, I spoke thusly: "Yohoho and an _afro,_ my friend."

Soundbite's ashen complexion went straight-up _white,_ and he slowly rotated his eyestalks to stare at me with naked, gaping astonishment. " _Not possible…"_

"A saying from my old world, my friend," I whispered back reverentially. "Oda, the great creator of this world? He _never._ _Ever. Forgets."_

Soundbite stared at me a moment longer before slowly looking back at a still babbling Brook. " _Cross… C-Can I…? Should I—?"_

"Soundbite."

The snail snapped his teeth shut.

"What you see before you is still relatively canon. The words you are thinking of are canonballs."

I grinned viciously.

" _Fire at will."_

And just like that, Soundbite's grin was back and more savage than ever. " **YES, SIR!** _ **HEY!"**_ he then proceeded to bark at full volume, capturing everyone's attention. " _ **HOLD EVERYTHING! I JUST FIGURED SOMETHING OUT ABOUT OUR GUEST!"**_

"Took this long to realize he's a skeleton? Who makes the obligatory 'snails are slow' joke this time?" Su snarked.

" _CAN IT, COTTONTAIL!"_ my partner snapped, glaring at Su with enough force that she actually recoiled. " _I realized_ **WHAT** _ **he was IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY, but the**_ **LAST TIME I SAW** _**anyone**_ _THAT HAPPY WAS_ **when my partner here saved Merry.** I WASN'T GONNA RUIN _**THAT."**_

"Ah… ahem…" Su coughed into her paw abashedly.

He looked back at Brook a second later, his eyes wide in shock. " _No…_ **I just realized** _ **exactly WHO he is.**_ FIFTY YEARS AGO, _A CREW LEFT AN ISLAND WHALE AT THE TWIN CAPES, at the start of the Grand Line_ … **before disappearing into oblivion. THE NAME OF THOSE PIRATES?"** Soundbite snapped his gaze to the massive galleon beside us. " _ **THE RUMBAR PIRATES!"**_

The words sent a ripple of shock through the original six East Blue dwellers of our crew.

"Wait… _Island Whale?"_ Nami breathed, shock written over her face.

"You… You can't be serious!" Usopp managed to get out.

But compared to Brook, these reactions were _tame._

"Whale…" he gasped in shock, staggering back as though he'd been physically struck. "You—? Y-You can't mean—!"

" **I DAMN WELL DO!"** Soundbite nodded firmly, his gaze never leaving the skeleton. " _ **Fifty years but still going strong.**_ A TRAGIC TALE, BUT ONE I'LL NEVER FORGET! _AND ONE THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!_ **This man, this Brook… is the last surviving member** _of the Rumbar Pirates!"_

Soundbite then threw his head back and shouted the most _shocking_ truth that the Florian Triangle had ever hid away for all to hear.

" _ **HE'S**_ _**THE LAST OF LABOON'S FRIEEEEENDS!"**_

Brook staggered back, as though _physically_ struck. "You… you know Laboon…?" he stammered out weakly, apparently incapable of believing his own ears. Or lack thereof, anyway.

…hey, this was actually pretty fun! For now, though…

"Merry," I spoke up, drawing the ship-girl's attention. "Would you mind filling in the rest of the crew about our first adventure in the Grand Line real quick? I'll just need a second."

Merry snapped up a salute with a grin, and while she was holding everyone's attention, _I_ stepped up close to Brook and captured his. And Luffy's, though the rubber-man was only half-listening.

"In case you're still thinking about saying no," I muttered _sotto voce,_ so as to avoid distracting anyone from our helmsgirl. "Let me give you a little background on our crew: we've managed to garner something of a reputation for ironclad loyalty. Anytime _anyone_ hurts one of ours in any way, they pay for it but good. To date, our scorecard has a grand total of the top four names on the East Blue's Most Wanted list, one Warlord of the Seas and the _Blue-spanning_ criminal organization he created, one lightning-Logia bastard with a god-complex, and most recently, the _entire Judicial Island of Enies Lobby and the ten battleships that tried to stop us…_ along with Cipher Pol No. 9, if that means anything to you."

Going by how Brook sucked in a breath he didn't need, I'd say it damn well did.

"Even besides that, most all of us _also_ have a damn decent moral compass that doesn't take much bullshit. Now, we scooped up an ' _offering to the sea gods'_ right before we entered this hell ocean and we still have it in our hold. Tell me, Mister Skeleton…" I shot a grin up at the old man's bony (HA!) visage. "What the hell do you think this crew is going to do when they find out just how _naughty_ the overgrown shadow-lizard's been, hm?"

" _NAAAAUGHTYYY…"_ Soundbite drawled with a distinctly sadistic overtone.

"…Before I say anything about that… _Laboon._ He's still—?"

"Waiting at the Twin Capes with Crocus. And you wanna know something else?" I grinned as I patted the bag beside me, drawing his attention to it. "The device in this bag can transmit Soundbite's broadcast to Transponder Snails all around the world simultaneously. And I had it running from the _second_ you started to sing."

Brook started to tremble. "So… So, so long as Crocus has a snail—!"

"My friend," I breathed kindly as I clapped my hand on his shoulder. "Not only is Laboon still waiting for you… but now, for the first time in _decades_ , he and Crocus both know that you're still alive. They know you're coming _back."_

That tore it. Brook sank to his knees, overcome with emotion, and impossibly, tears started streaming out of his eye sockets.

For a few seconds, he shuddered and gasped breathlessly (though he had no lungs to breathe with, _so much damn fun!)_ , garnering our whole crew's attention. After those seconds, however…

" _Uh… Uhh… UWAAAAAAAAAAH!"_

The skeleton let loose a _howl_ of pure emotion, his voice echoing out across the placid waters of the Triangle and all but rending the air _itself_ apart.

William Friedkin could go and suck it. This? This right here was a _real_ exorcism. Right here, right now, we were witnessing fifty _years'_ worth of ghosts and demons and nightmares and the _wrong_ of the Florian Triangle vacating the mind and soul of this… well, _poor soul,_ in a singular wail of pure, undaunted emotion.

It drew everyone's attention, and even once it drew to a close Brook still sobbed for a few more minutes, though these sobs were distinctly joyful rather than agonized. I… honestly don't think that I could imagine how he was feeling, to learn that the entire reason he'd gone through fifty years of purgatorial torture was still there, still waiting for him, justifying the fact that he'd stayed alive.

Finally, he straightened, and despite the lack of clarity in his distinctly inflexible face, it was clear that he was smiling. He made to speak, but then glanced down at Merry, who was looking back at the galleon with a bittersweet grin.

"The old man had a change of heart. 'Popular vote', apparently," she said softly.

Brook looked back at the galleon, a sad fondness evident in his eye sockets. "…You've helped me stay alive for so long. But our struggle is over; you can rest now."

The galleon seemed to _literally_ sag with relief in the water, a tremulous groan shivering its aged timbers.

His task complete, Brook straightened what little of his suit was intact before digging his hand into his jacket and withdrawing a yellowed piece of paper, which he held up before himself with his fingertips, his other hand proudly gripping his collar. "Allow me to introduce myself in a proper manner befitting a gentleman. I stand before you now and as I am as a result of the Revive-Revive Fruit. But in my previous life, I was known as acting captain of the Rumbar Pirates, 'Humming' Brook, worth a bounty of ฿33 million. The greatest bond shared among the Rumbar Pirates, one and all, was a love, a _passion,_ for music in all its beautiful and wondrous forms. And, not to toot my own horn here—!"

_BRAP!_

He chose that _exact_ moment to let a blast of gas _somehow_ escape his fleshless cheeks, eliciting eager smiles from half our crew and looks of dread and revulsion from the rest.

"—Excuse me, I snagged some beans during that party. But as I was saying, I do not believe it an exaggeration to claim that I was amongst the most, if not _the_ most talented musician amidst my many beloved friends. Now then, that all being said…"

While Luffy practically _vibrated_ with ill-concealed glee, Brook tilted his head to the side in a look of honest curiosity.

"I believe I heard some mention of an opening for a musician on your fine crew?"

"FINALLY!" Luffy whooped, throwing his arms up with a gleeful cackle.

"We got a skeleton~, We got a skeleton~!" Chopper, Usopp and Mikey sang as they spun 'round and round, hand in hand.

"A _delicious-looking_ skeleton…" Lassoo panted eagerly, slobber all but fountaining from his slack maw. The suddenly terrified skeleton shuddered and inched away from the mutt before freezing in confusion when he suddenly found a dugong latched around his leg.

"So, Cross said you're a swordsman, huh?" Leo asked, staring up at the skeleton with eyes full of desperation.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, of course," Brook said, adjusting the grip on his cane and pulling the blade within out by a few inches. "I believe the blade could benefit from a good sharpening, but my skills with it have not faded at all."

"THANK GOODNESS! I was going _crazy_ being _that—"_ He jabbed his flipper at a bored but somehow still-attentive Zoro. " _DEMON'S_ sole living _whetstone!_ Welcome to the grind, _bub!"_

Brook blinked in surprise before raising his cane in a salute. "I look forward to the chance to refine my skills, good sir!"

"Good for you, really… but still, while I have you, Brook?"

Brook turned his attention towards Nami, and promptly locked up on account of the sheer contrast between her beatific smile and the roiling thunderclouds that framed her.

"I just want you to know," she simpered very politely. "That I remember that little 'see your panties' comment earlier and that every night I will be counting my underwear. If I find that so much as a _frill_ of my tighty-laceys has been disturbed—!"

"'Zap'?" Brook guessed weakly.

The Eisen Tempo promptly reverted to an angelic, complimentary white that only served to accent the falseness of her smile. "Now you get it!" Her eyes flicked slightly upward, and she frowned. "Also, the afro is bringing up some unpleasant memories for me, of a…" She shot a glare at an unapologetically whistling Boss. " _Manly_ nature. Any chance you could cut it down a—"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Brook exclaimed, startling Nami and everyone else. The skeleton gingerly ran a hand across his hair. "You see what I've become after dying; it took a year to find my way back to my body, and by that time everything that I once was had withered away. All except for my hair, thanks to the strong roots I have. It's the last evidence of my former life, my former appearance, and if I were to lose it as well…"

The skeleton clenched his fists. "If I lost my hair, Laboon would never recognize me. Until we meet again, I will not allow any harm to come to this afro!"

Nami lowered her staff with a soft sigh. "Alright, I'm sorry. No touching the hair."

Brook nodded gratefully, then rubbed the back of his skull. "Ah, but I believe I should mention… Cross, I believe? He seems to be aware, but I'm currently missing one other part of me that I need before we leave this cursed sea."

"And on that note!" I stated. "If you'll excuse me for a minute, I need to go and grab something real quick." With that, I rapped my fist on the mast and rode up to my radio room. I then moved to the desk, withdrew a piece of tightly rolled paper that I had compiled before we met the Accinos, and returned to the deck before showing it to them.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this scroll contains the strategy I came up with for dealing with the antagonists of our next adventure. And now, in light of recent events…"

I tossed the scroll over my shoulder to where I knew Lassoo and Funkfreed were standing. And going by the _FWOOSH_ and _SHINK_ sounds that erupted a moment later, the plans had been disposed of as the trash they now were.

"Those plans," I chuckled. "Are now completely and _utterly_ obsolete."

Luffy was grinning eagerly, Brook was looking on in confusion, and everyone else was watching with varying degrees of eagerness and apprehension.

"So, now that that strategy is toast, here's the new one. Our first order of business is to go through introductions for our newest crew member, and of course, for me to tell him my secret. Once we've done that, so as to avoid me going against captain's orders, Brook is going to tell us everything he knows about our next destination. After all, it's not really spoilers if he's just elaborating on incomplete intel, hmm?"

Luffy tilted his head to the side, then shrugged in acceptance.

"Right. After he's done, I'm going to fill in the few crucial blanks remaining. And then, using all of that knowledge, we're going to make a plan for doing something that, up until now, not even I was bold enough to try."

I raised my head and showed off a grin that made several members of the crew swallow.

"We're gonna flip the script. Completely. _Utterly._ And when all is said and done…"

I widened my grin to sadistic levels.

"Vivi, I give you my solemn word: I will _proudly_ take responsibility for the Wandering Undead Island of Thriller Bark, or at least a goodly chunk of it, _being on fire."_

**Cross-Brain AN: Whatever you thought we were planning for Thriller Bark? Rethink it; up until now, we've messed with canon but kept to the main lines. But this time? This time, we're changing everything.**


	9. Chapter 9

### Chapter 53: Chapter 48: A Well-Constructed Plan! Silent Mayhem Falls On Thriller Bark!

### Chapter Text

**Chapter 48**

**Cross-Brain AN: Just for the record, here's a key for the transitions in this chapter, and all future chapters:**

**-o- = Scene Change**

**~o~ = Entering/Exiting Flashback**

Two hours of revelations, planning, and preparing later found us standing on the main deck of the Sunny, circled around the barrel we had picked up before we entered the Triangle. I looked around at the crew, my mouth turned up into a smirk. "So, who wants the honors?"

Several of the crew looked positively eager to crack it open; Luffy in particular looked to be a second away from ripping off the top. Then someone spoke.

"If I may?"

All eyes turned to Brook, his bony fingers clenched white-knuckled around his cane—not in fear, not with his expression, but in grim determination.

Even so…

"You sure about that, Brook?" I clarified. "I mean, the last time you did this—!"

"The first time I was presented with such a barrel," Brook interrupted me, his entire being devoid of emotion. "I went through a whirlwind of hope and despair that ultimately left me in a state _worse off_ than my first forty-five years in this hell of fog and terrors. And now, five years later, you present me with another such barrel. And now that I have it before me, in all that it implies…"

In a flash, he was looming over the barrel, his fleshless digits digging into the wood.

"Now I feel more than I have in the past fifty years _combined,"_ he all but growled out. "Hope is there, yes, burning bright, along with elation, rage, anticipation, even fear, but above all else? I feel _vindication._ Because now, after having been _violated_ so many years ago, after failing because of my own weakness, you have given me the opportunity I have _longed_ for. You have given me the opportunity to take it all back. To take back _everything_ that has been stolen from me…"

Brook _wrenched_ his arms up, ripping the top off the barrel.

"WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!" he roared to the world.

Not even a second later, the flare held within was loosed and roared into the heavens, burning a gaping hole in the mist.

" _Alea jacta est…"_ Donny muttered grimly.

"Eh, that doesn't really make sense," Luffy said, digging his pinkie up his nostril. "'Cause we're not betting anything. We're going to _win."_

"…OK, I'd expect that kind of confidence from you," an unnerved Vivi said. "But _since when do you know_ _Latin?!"_

"Eh, that's all I know; I remember Benn saying that every time they played a dice game," Luffy said, still picking his nose.

"Shanks' first mate," I tossed out in response to everyone's confused looks, which got 'ah's of understanding. "Still, there's no denying it: you've gotten a lot smarter, Captain."

"Shishishi! Thanks!" Luffy grinned ear-to-ear before tilting his head to the side. "So, now we just… wait?"

"Not _that_ long, captain," Brook grimly answered, his cane briefly spinning before he grabbed the head and planted the tip in the ground. Brief nervous tic aside, he looked ready to go, thanks in no small part to Nami's surprisingly adept needlework restoring his once-tattered suit to its full glory. "Moria is an insatiable demon. None are safe from his greed and gluttony; he will fall upon any new shadows that enter the Triangle with the utmost swiftness. Of _that,_ you can be completely certain."

And damn if Brook wasn't right. I suppose that if any credit were due to the Undead Island, it would be to their sharp awareness and strong work ethic. Because not even _fifteen minutes_ after we unleashed that artificial star, a shadow loomed on the horizon, steadily approaching us with the details slowly becoming more distinct in the haze.

I swallowed heavily as I watched the largest moving object I'd ever seen approach us. An uneasy feeling started to rumble in my stomach as our objective, our _opponent_ loomed over us, but I snapped my hands into trembling fists, and set my jaw in a scowl, burning determination reducing that fear to ash.

Any fear I held, it came from my knowledge of before. Before, Thriller Bark had been one of the closest near misses in Straw Hat history, their victory and their very lives coming down to the wire.

Before, the Straw Hats had stumbled into this hell of darkness and trickery without a clue to what awaited them. Before, the Mysterious Four had held all the cards and were able to run circles around the Straw Hats before they knew what was what.

But this… this _wasn't_ before. This was _now._

This was here and now, with a Straw Hat crew that included me and so many others. Now was a Straw Hat crew that was stronger than they'd ever been. Now was a Straw Hat crew that knew precisely what lay before them, in excruciating detail, and knew how to beat every trick, trump, and trap that Moria and his cadre could send at them.

Now… now was a Straw Hat crew with a _plan._

**~o~**

**-Two Hours Earlier-**

After my dramatic announcement, we had proceeded with a brief round of introductions and explanations, including the explanation of how I knew all that I did. Brook took it rather well.

"Yohohohoho! That's one of the most outrageous stories I've ever heard!" Brook laughed. He then seemed to smile. "And it's one that I'm perfectly prepared to believe. I see that the rest of the crew believes you already, and you already know so much that you shouldn't. Besides, why should I doubt when I'm the living proof of how little the word 'impossible' applies in the Grand Line?"

"Good," I nodded. "That saves some time explaining things. Now, let's get down to business. Brook, start spilling your guts on Thriller Bark."

" **Oh, wait!"** Soundbite cackled, and I grinned alongside him as I pointed at the musician.

" _You don't have guts!"_ we chorused.

"YOHOHOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!" Brook cackled, clapping his hands.

"Skull joke!" echoed the Kiddy Trio and TDWS.

" _Really,_ Cross?" Nami groaned, slapping a hand to her forehead, a motion that most of the crew imitated, though I was gratified to see Robin hiding her giggling with her downturned hat.

"Oh, come off it, Nami! This?" I pointed at Brook. "This bony bastard's jokes are _golden._ You should try it sometime! No, wait, lemme guess." I smirked as I then pointed at her. "Over your dead body, right?"

"Right," Nami nodded in agreement. "Over my dead—!"

_THWACK!_

"HOOF!" I wheezed around the cloud-fist that had rammed itself into my gut.

"You done?" she asked dryly, her foot tapping on the deck.

I raised a shaky thumbs-up. "Just about…"

"Good," Zoro said in a bored tone. "Now, can we get back to this Thriller Bark place?"

"Mrph…" I grunted as I righted myself. "Brook, all yours."

"Ah, yes, yes, of course," Brook nodded in agreement, adjusting his collar slightly before standing up straight. "I believe I should start with the most pressing issue at hand. As you'll recall, earlier when I joined the crew, I said that I could not yet leave the Florian Triangle. Trust me when I say that this decision is _not_ one I make of my own free will." His empty sockets somehow gained a far off, wistful look. "Oh… to but see the sun shining once more…"

He then shook his head with a scowl. "But. That is not possible. For you see, I am missing an intrinsic—!"

"Necessary," I informed a confused Luffy.

"—part of my being." He shot a glance at me. "Do you have a candle or—?"

"Funkfreed." I looked over at my sword. "Your blade is still pristine from when I polished it earlier today, right?"

"Uh…" the elephant-blade blinked in confusion. "Pretty much, yeah. Why?"

"Hang it behind Brook's head and you'll see."

"If… you say so?" Funkfreed complied, going half-and-half and positioning his nose above and behind Brook's skull, taking care to not touch his afro.

There was a moment of non-understanding from the crew, until Conis snapped her hands to her mouth with a gasp.

"B-Brook, you don't have a reflection!" she gasped.

The skeleton nodded solemnly, raising his cane up, inching out his blade and staring at the blank metal with sorrow. "Nor do I appear in any photographs taken of me. But both of these supernatural phenomena are mere _symptoms_ of my greater and far more deadly affliction. An affliction that can kill me as dead as dust, in spite of already being so dead for many years."

Nobody even tried to laugh at that.

Brook slammed his cane shut and looked up, slowly sweeping his gaze over the crew. "I have no _shadow."_

A ripple of shock and, more importantly, _confusion_ ran through the crew.

Brook sighed, crossed his arms behind his back, and started to pace across the lawn. "Allow me to start at the very beginning: As you all know by now, I've been trapped in the Florian Triangle for fifty years. The first forty-five of those were due to a broken rudder and lack of resources with which to fix it. But then, five years ago…" He raised a trembling fist before him. "I stumbled onto an island…"

And so his story went, telling us the highlights of his experience upon Thriller Bark: the nature of the walking dead that inhabited it, the mechanics of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit, including the consequences of sunlight without a shadow, his defeat at the hands of his _own_ shadow-possessed zombie…

When he finished, the mood of the crew was variable. Some were scared, some were revolted, a few were violently eager, and pretty much the whole _lot_ of them were livid. But I wanted to push things just a _wee_ bit further, and so I spoke up.

"Lemme give you all a little context about the wielder of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit," I announced. "The zombies on this island? All of them, every single one has a number somewhere on their body. A serial number, to keep track of when they were produced. Granted, not _all_ of the meat-puppet bodies are active at the same time, a lot are still in cold storage waiting for shadows, but the largest number I saw?" I scowled as I raised my left arm and pointed to my upper limb. "Was right here. And it read _900\. And!"_ I spoke up when a wave of shock and rage emanated from my friends. "Those are just the _Zombies._ There are still 100 more assorted shadows trapped on that island, including however many more I _didn't_ see from my admittedly limited perspective. So, in all? Over _one thousand people_ around the world don't have shadows. One thousand people haven't seen the sun in _years._ One thousand people… condemned to fear and darkness."

The waves of palpable outrage radiating from my friends were impressive, yes, but hell if I wasn't gonna try and top it.

"And it. Gets. _Worse,"_ I chuckled darkly.

And now, more _shock_ than actual anger.

" _How,"_ Vivi demanded incredulously.

"Simple." I crossed my arms behind my head in a faux-innocent gesture. "When the shadows were released in the story, we got a few flashes of their owners regaining them." My expression turned thunderous. "One of those owners was a maid. A _civilian_ maid."

I practically heard my blood _sing_ when I felt death itself appear before me again. Oh, yeah, _now_ they all wanted blood.

"Why," Boss snarled murderously, pulping his cigar between his 'fingers'. "Have the Marines not _terminated_ this bastard yet?"

"Because the user of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit is one Gecko Moria." I let that sink in with those of us who were in the know before raising my finger to give that one last crumb. " _Once_ worth ฿320,000,000."

The penny dropped with everyone else, but it was Luffy who really got the message, his face darkening further as he slammed his fist into his palm.

" _Warlord,"_ he snarled.

"Mmhmm," I nodded solemnly. "Which makes the presence of even _Marine_ shadows in his repertoire all the more damning. Pirate, civilian, Government… it doesn't who you are or where you're from, Thriller Bark is an equal-opportunity _hellhole._ And the World Government is perfectly content to let him go about his business, so long as his _primary_ prey of choice is pirates." I swept my gaze over my friends. "Everyone nice and pissed off _now?"_

Luffy snorted menacingly in response. "We were pissed off enough when he only took one of our friends' shadows, Cross. Now?" Luffy reached over his back and _slammed_ his newly forged and thoroughly reinforced pipe on the deck. "Now we're gonna make that Gecko bastard _pay_."

" _Dearly,"_ concurred several of the crew.

I slowly nodded, smirking. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Alright, gimme a bit and I'll outline the new and improved plan of attack I've come up with, but while I'm doing that… Usopp, Sanji, Chopper?"

" _Prepare for sodium chloride warfare,"_ Chopper nodded as he plopped down on the grass and started digging a field-lab from his bag.

"Start making Salt Stars," Usopp muttered as he went off to fetch a mortar and pestle.

"Salt-filled lunches to go," Sanji conceded. "I don't approve of using food as a weapon, but if a riceball could literally mean the difference between life and death…" He shook his head with a smoke-filled sigh as he walked towards the pavilion. "Well, I suppose _someone'll_ be eating them either way."

I watched the sniper and cook walk away before a slight nudging at the side of my neck snagged my attention, and I glanced at my colleague, who had a cocked eyestalk.

" _Just… wondering, but **we are staying**_ **OUT OF THE ACTION** THIS TIME, _RIGHT?"_ Soundbite asked nervously.

I cocked my eyebrow at that. "What, you scared of a few zombies or something?"

" **Mere walking dead? Pshaw!** _ **NOT ON YOUR LIFE!"**_ Soundbite puffed out what little chest he had, then shrank in on himself. " _It's the salt that has me pissing my shell…"_

I started to open my mouth to reassure him, but then I shut it when I realized that the likes of _Luffy_ was going to be flinging the stuff around as well, so… "Okay, justifiable paranoia right there. I'll get you some protection."

" _ **Phew…"**_ Soundbite sighed in relief before eyeing me curiously. " **Still haven't answered** MY QUESTION, THOUGH."

At _that,_ I shot a smirk at the snail. "Well, where do you _think_ we'll be, hmm?"

That got a smile from Soundbite that was all teeth. " **RIGHT IN THE THICK** _ **OF IT!** Just the way _**I damn well like it!"**

I chuckled and held my fist up so that he could bump his eyes against my knuckles. "You damn well know it."

**~o~**

Soundbite gave a low whistle, most likely deliberately reverberating the noise to play along with the miniature suit of custom-made medieval armor he was clad in, his eyes peeking through his slightly raised visor. "STILL READY TO _**get into the thick**_ _of it?"_

"Mrgrgh…" I grumbled beneath my breath in response as I watched our only escape route slide shut behind us.

To be perfectly honest? Up until we found ourselves looking at the island itself, I wasn't really worried at all. And it wasn't the island itself that changed that; we were strong enough and forearmed enough that I wasn't too worried. It wasn't the jaw-shaped gate that had just shut us off from the rest of the world, either; honestly, if you want to make a disembodied mouth intimidating, you don't give it square white teeth, you make them rotted or sharp, or at least add a few red stains.

No, no, the part that got me worrying?

It was when, mere seconds after entering the snare of Thriller Bark, one of our oldest and yet youngest crewmates suddenly dropped to her knees and clamped a hand over her mouth as she started dry-heaving.

"Merry!" I yelped, hastily running over and kneeling next to her and rubbing her coat-covered back. "Merry, what's wrong, what's—!?"

"Stillborn…"

"Eh?" I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

"This place…" Merry looked up with tears brimming in the corners of her eyes, her hand clamped firmly over her mouth. "It's… It's _stillborn…"_

"… _bastard."_

All eyes turned to look at Franky, who currently seemed to be doing his best impression of an angry Sanji, fire blazing in his eyes.

"It's not enough that he makes a mockery of life with all the people he curses and the zombies he makes," the cyborg snarled, his fists all but _groaning_ from how tightly they were clenched. "But he curses his own _ship, too?!"_

"Wh-What awe you tawking about?" Carue asked nervously.

"This place…" Merry groaned in response, shuddering and spasming. "It's not… not _really_ a ship. The spirits of ships… t-they're born of the love and care a-and compassion of their crews… b-but this… this…" She shook her head miserably. "It _started_ as a ship, i-it was supposed to be one, but… but once it was done, _no one_ showed it any love. No one cared, no one… no one's seen it as a ship. An island, a hell… _never_ a ship. And because of that, Thriller Bark… it… it…" Merry hunched over with, letting out another gut-rattling wretch.

"Marine Battleships and some pirate ships…" Franky ground out, glaring daggers at the Jolly Roger-spangled sail that loomed on high through the mists. "Their ships can be stunted through lack of care, because their crews only see them as vessels of war or transportation or whatever. It's sad, but it's a fact of life, and they're still seen as _ships_. But whenever a ship _this_ badly neglected ever came through Water 7…" Franky _literally_ snorted a stream of fire. "Iceburg and I had our differences… but between us, we made sure that the _bastards_ who did shit as heinous as this _never did it again."_

I frowned as I considered that. I had given thought to everything we'd do here except for the island itself; I thought we would just leave it abandoned as it was in the story. But with what Merry and Franky said…

"Alright, everyone, addendum to the plan: try to limit damage to the island proper and the parts that make it seaworthy, and we'll come up with something when the rest of this mess is over. But for the time being, they already know we're here. So, for starters…"

I clapped our brand-new musician on the back. "Brook, you're up."

"Gladly!" Brook nodded back before doffing his hat to the rest of the crew. "Well, my friends, I'm afraid I must be off! Fortune willing, we shall meet again on the other side! But for now!"

He leapt over the edge of the Sunny and, the moment he hit the top of the water, he shot off towards the dark island looming, blurred legs kicking up enough water for a motorboat and a cackle of "YOHOHOHOHOHOOO~!" trailing behind him.

I _tried_ to keep my cool in place as my newest friend disappeared into the distance, but I couldn't help but start gnawing on my metal-encased thumb, which was most likely why Luffy clapped his hand on my shoulder and stuck his carefree grin in my face.

"Mah, don't worry about it!" he chuckled, melting away my worries. "He's following your plan, remember? And it's a good plan! After all, you made it, right?"

I hesitated for a second before matching his smile and nodding right back. "Yeah… yeah, it _is_ a damn good plan."

**~o~**

"Alright, everyone, first thing you all need to understand about Thriller Bark?" I stated. "It's that this place is run like a nightmare _funhouse._ All of their tactics, all of their members, all of the abilities that they bring to bear, they're _all_ intended to be used in subterfuge. Tricks, traps, illusions, the whole enchilada. Shadows are an integral part of Thriller Bark, and if we just run in guns blazing?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "This place _will_ shank us clean between our ribs when we're least expecting it."

The crew exchanged uneasy looks at that, but Boss drew attention to himself with a hard snort.

"We get it, this place is gonna be tricky as all get-out," he grumbled as he gnawed on his cigar. "So what're we gonna do about it?"

"Simple…" I patted myself down for a second before withdrawing a stray piece of scrap paper from my pocket and holding it up with both hands. "They want to fight smart, we're going to fight smart right _back._ We're going to enter through the front door, and while they _think_ we're falling for their tricks…" I tore the paper in half. "We're going to dismantle their entire operation, piece…" And then into quarters, "By piece," And then into eighths before casting aside the confetti. "Before they even have a _chance_ to realize what's going on."

Everyone started to nod in agreement, until I spoke up again.

"But!" I hastily snapped my finger up. "If we're going to do this right, then everything has to be _perfect._ No deviations, no getting sidetracked. I'll try making sure no one has a job they can't handle or at least has someone nearby who knows what they're doing, but even so…" I shook my head slowly. "Moria may be the weakest of the Warlords, but he still has as much mastery of his Devil Fruit as Crocodile, and about as much tactical skill. As such, I cannot stress this enough: One slip up, one misstep, and this whole place will fall on us like a ton of _bricks._ Got it?"

"We've got it, Cross. We'll be as careful as we need to be," Sanji said, and similar sentiments came from the rest of the crew.

I looked Luffy dead in the eyes as I spoke again. "Captain, I'm going to plan things for your part in this the best way that I can. But I need you to try as hard as you can to follow through. You know how much is on the line here, and you remember what happened the last time you gave a Warlord an inch."

"…I still want to kick Moria's ass," Luffy grumbled.

"You'll have your chance once he's run out of tricks to hide behind," I promised. Thankfully, that seemed to mollify Luffy, and he nodded.

"Alright, then. Now, we'll be starting with taking care of the only _living_ members of Thriller Bark's crew, the Mysterious Four, consisting of Moria and his three subordinates. More specifically, we'll be taking care of the two that actually have Devil Fruits, and who are even close to combat ready. Brook."

"Hm?" the skeleton replied, cocking his head to the side.

"Your first job upon us reaching the island will be to bamboozle the Ghost Princess of Thriller Bark, Perona." I paused for a moment before allowing myself a snicker. "I _love_ the fact that I get the chance to use the word 'bamboozle'."

_THWAP!_

"Focus on the task at hand, got it," I winced apologetically as Robin's hand disintegrated.

**~o~**

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-ho~"_ Brook sang as he strolled through the woods, pausing slightly as he came upon a graveyard before bounding clear into the center of it and raising his voice. " _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-ho~"_

As if on cue, all the graves around him began trembling, and dead hands began to claw their way to freedom. Brook came to a halt in the middle of the cemetery, casting his gaze about as the earth shifted and roiled beneath his feet.

Suddenly, the soil _right_ beneath him split, and a half-rotted hand clamped down upon his shin, and a groaning zombie pulled itself up and out of the earth…

Before suddenly cutting itself off when it caught sight of the bleached white skull mere _inches_ from his face.

"Hello there, mister zombie," Brook hummed politely, tilting his head _ever_ so slightly to the side. "Remember me?"

What little blood the zombie still had in its head shot out of it. "Oh, _shi—!"_

That was as far as the revenant got before Brook crammed his bony fingers down its throat, depositing a _tiiiny_ amount of salt in the zombie's stomach.

Still, that small amount of salt was enough to push _all_ of the shadow right out of the zombie's now _truly_ lifeless jaws.

Then, the second that his leg was freed, Brook _blurred_ around the graveyard, darting to and fro between the graves as the living dead tried to wrench themselves from the earth. By the time Brook came to a halt, all of the zombies were fully free, all standing at the ready…

But after a second, _half_ of them collapsed into true lifelessness, their shadows ripping themselves free of their jaws and soaring away beneath their comrade's horrified gazes.

The surviving zombies only had a _second_ to process what they'd just seen…

" _Ahem."_

Before a cough caused the embalming fluid in their veins to freeze. They jerkily turned their heads and stared in horror at the skeleton in their midst as he inspected his blade with the utmost casualness.

"I'm only," Brook mused offhandedly, "going to say this once."

He then glanced up from his blade at the zombies, his face a _mask_ of pure, uninhibited murder.

" _RUN."_

And just like that, the zombies began fleeing as fast as their enhanced bodies would allow, raising the alarm that the scourge of Thriller Bark from five years past had returned to exact his vengeance.

As they ran, the zombies received simultaneous encouragement to flee and discouragement in the usefulness of it, as every other second it seemed that one of their number or another suddenly fell flat as their tendons were shredded, giving them each only a few moments to scream in terror before they were silenced by their ill-gotten souls fleeing their body. More joined the fleeing chase as it progressed through the woods, but their numbers were cut down as quickly as they were built up.

Eventually, the stampede of the once-living disgorged into yet another graveyard opening, scrambling to get away as their recently awakened comrades clawed their way to freedom and joined in the chaos.

Fortunately for them, upon reaching the new graveyard, Brook cut off his pursuit in favor of leaping upon the nearest crypt and slashing his sword out in a grandiose manner. "Accursed zombies of Thriller Bark! I am the dreaded Humming Swordsman, returned from the mists after five long years! There will be no survivors! For I am here! I am here! But soon, you will not be here! The dreaded Humming Swordsman is here for your souls!"

' _I will have to ask Cross where he came up with that speech, it even sent shivers down_ my _spine! Oh, but I don't… no, I_ do _have a spine. Botched skull joke,'_ Brook reflected with a frown, even as the zombies cowered before him. Which was all well and good, but for his part of the plan to work, he still needed a—!

" _Horohorohoro~"_

Brook was silently grateful for the Negative Hollow that popped up from the stonework a foot in front of him. After all…

"GYAAAAAAH! GHOOOOOST!" he howled, flinching back and throwing his hands up in terror.

Now he didn't have to fake his shock.

The surrounding zombies all paused in their panic, exchanging shocked looks before staring up at their aggressor in confusion. "You're… afraid of ghosts?" one of them called up incredulously.

Brook exaggerated his panting and chest-clutching as he stared at the cartoonish spectre that was wagging its tongue at him. "Y-Y-Yes! Terrified! Deathly afraid, even—oh, but I'm already—Aheheh, getting off track, sorry. A-a-anyways, i-it was bad enough seeing just _zombies_ the l-l-last time I was here, b-but now—!" Brook kept up his act for a bit before breathing a heavy sigh of relief. "W-W-Well, I suppose it could be worse… t-t-that thing barely looks r-r-real! S-S-So long as I d-don't see a _human-looking_ g-g-ghost, I-I'll still be able to d-defeat you all, and reclaim my shadow!"

The zombies all slowly turned their heads to stare at one another, before slowly turning their heads back so that they could smile malevolently at the skeleton of their nightmares.

Brook immediately, though he actually already had a damned good idea of why they were all so chipper (for moving corpses, at any rate). "Whyyyy are you all staring at me like that?"

"Horohorohorohoro… I expect…"

Brook's spine went ramrod straight as a high-pitched voice chuckled echoingly behind him. He sloooowly turned on his heel…

And had to squash the surge of victory he felt when he came face to face with a pink-haired gothic Lolita who was _clearly_ floating upside down in the air.

Perona smirked victoriously, entirely unaware of Brook's own sentiments. "They're all smiling because of _me,"_ she crooned.

She then snapped her face forwards with a smile that was all teeth. " _BOO."_

" _GYAAAAAH!"_ Brook shot his hands in the air, shooting away from the Ghost Princess so fast that he actually left a _dust trail_ hanging in his wake.

Perona righted herself, cocking an eyebrow after the fleeing skeleton before casting an incredulous look at the zombies. "So, _that_ was the Humming Swordsman that's had you all shitting yourselves over skeletons for the past five years? Seriously!?"

"Hey, it's not our fault! He's really, really fast!" one of the zombies indignantly protested.

"Yeah!" another piped up. "Maybe if you hadn't slept through that shitshow five years ago, then we wouldn't be down a load a' zombies in the first place!"

"They're right!"

"Lazy princess!"

"Why dontcha do something useful?!"

Perona's head was bowed as the insults kept flowing out from the rapidly revolting (in both senses of the word) zombies, a vein throbbing on her forehead and her teeth grinding together…

"Yer not _that_ cute!"

Until _that_ particular comment caused her jaw to jerk to the side with a particularly sonorous _SNAP!_

" _ **SHUT IIIT!"**_ the suddenly gigantic Perona screeched at the zombies, cowing them all into submission while a few stray Negative Hollows put several down and out for good measure.

The Ghost Princess huffed and puffed as she _marginally_ came down from the high of her rage, and turned her nose up in a derisive sniff. "You damn uncute bastards… I was _going_ to have some fun chasing that sissy skeleton all over the woods, but _now?_ I think I'll leave him to _you_ clowns! Have fun sucking on salt, rot-for-brains!"

And with that, ignoring the panicked protests of her underlings, Perona turned to fly back to her room…

"…On second thought."

Only to spin around and see that the skeleton was back in the midst of the zombies, looking up at her with a blank face.

"You're actually too cute to be scary," he remarked.

Perona blinked, unsure how to react. On the one hand, she didn't like that he wasn't scared, but on the other hand, she could hardly take offense to someone calling her cu—

"Would you mind showing me your panties?"

All movement in the graveyard froze, the zombies staring at Brook in abject horror while Perona…

Perona's expression remained blank for all of ten seconds.

Then her eyes _slooowly_ rolled up into her head, and a pair of gigantic, orb-shaped hollows appeared hovering at her sides.

" _ **When you die this time…"**_ she hissed malevolently. " _ **There won't be enough left FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO!"**_ The last phrase was screeched furiously, emphasized by the Ghost Princess flinging her cackling Special Hollows at the skeleton.

Said skeleton then proceeded to do the smart thing and vacate the area, not even sparing enough time to purify the remaining zombies. The giant ghosts exploded near him, but the resulting smokescreen only helped him to duck and cover behind a tree, following which he tugged on his jacket and brought a pocket that held a snail close to his jaws.

"The princess is chasing phantoms," he quickly hissed out. "I had to improvise to keep her interested, but she won't be bothering you for awhile."

" _Roger roger, **buy all the time you can,"**_ came the response. He resumed running with a not inconsiderate amount of real fear.

' _Even so,'_ he reflected, glancing over his shoulder at the pursuing Hollow-Woman. ' _Cross certainly earned his place as the tactician. Apart from the hiccup on her part, his plan is working perfectly so far!'_

**~o~**

"Just to confirm…" Vivi started to raise her hand with a grim expression.

"No, Perona is _not_ a legitimate princess," I assured her. "That's just what she _likes_ to call herself."

Vivi heaved a sigh of relief, but it was wiped away by my own scowl. "But unfortunately, it's an apt epithet. Her power comes from the Hollow-Hollow Fruit, which is one of the most dangerous Devil Fruits I've ever seen. It lets the user create 'ghosts', or at least things very much like them. She has a few variations… but the most _dangerous_ are also her most commonplace: her Negative Hollows."

I shuddered fearfully. "If one of those dopey-looking bastards touches you, it'll rob you of all will to live. It only lasts a few minutes at most, sometimes just a few seconds, but considering how she can slam you with one while you're getting bumrushed by a horde of zombies…" I trailed off, the uneasy looks on everyone's faces indicated they got what I was getting at.

"So, what's the weakness, Cross? It's not like she doesn't have one if we got past her in your story," Sanji inquired.

I shook my head with a regretful grimace. "That's the biggest problem, Sanji; I can't be sure that _anybody_ on the crew as we are now has any chance of beating her in a straight-up fight. The only thing I know of that can protect you against the Negative Hollows…"

I turned my regretful look on Usopp. "Is being so pessimistic that they can't sink you any lower."

I turned a regretful look on Usopp. "Is being so pessimistic that they can't sink you any lower."

The sniper froze. "And… you've been boosting my confidence from the day you told us the truth," he breathed in horror.

I sighed again, massaging my face. "Yes, and I realize that the easy way out isn't an option because of that, but if you'd seen what I've seen, what _would_ have happened if I hadn't done everything that I possibly could?" I snorted as I jabbed my thumb downwards. "If I had let it happen anyway just so we'd still have a trump card against Perona, you wouldn't have let me within a half-mile of Sunny, and that's _not_ an exaggeration, meaning that that point is moot. Alright?"

I took in everyone's disconcerted expressions, many of them clearly wondering what could have possibly been that bad. But going off of the fact that a few members of the crew were bowing their heads or looking at me with resigned acceptance, they had figured out what the answer was.

I clapped my hands together to get their attention back. "Anyway, what's done is done, and we're getting off track. The Negative Hollows aren't even what I'm most worried about with Perona's abilities. No, the true threat…" I pointed at my eye. "Is her _remote viewing._ Perona can see through the eyes of her Hollows, and because they're intangible, she can make a lot of them, and her range is _freaking huge…_ " I moved my finger to point at Soundbite. "We have a voyeur on our hands to match _ours._ If we want to try and pull _any_ covert operations on Thriller Bark, our first order of business will be to disable Perona."

I tsk'd derisively as I started pacing, my hands folded behind my back. "An act easier said than done, unfortunately. Yet another tool in the Hollow-Hollow Fruit's varied arsenal is that of astral projection; she can leave her body as an intangible, invulnerable ghost herself, and go wherever she damn well chooses while leaving her _real_ body locked up in the depths of Thriller Bark. Basically, this means that we _can't_ touch it."

"So, if I have this right…" Conis started counting down on her fingers. "We can't hurt her, we can't counter her, can't even _touch_ her…"

"AHA!" Su barked, jabbing her paw at me with a grin. "But she _does_ leave her body, so that means we can still speak with her! You're going to distract her!"

"Or more specifically, _I_ will distract her, is that right?" Brook confirmed.

"More than that, Brook. You're going to go ashore ahead of us, garner as much attention as you can, and the _second_ you see a Hollow, you _cement_ her attention on you so that she doesn't look anywhere else. How you do it is up to you, but if you want my advice? She's got something of a trickster-sadist streak in her. Play on that and let her think she can get a few screams out of you, and you'll have her undivided attention. After that…" I shrugged with a careless smirk. "It just comes down to two simple factors: keep ahead of her at all times and don't let the ghosts touch you."

"I believe I can manage, Cross," Brook nodded confidently. "Because as I'm sure you're aware, I can be very, _very_ fast."

I nodded proudly. "Glad to hear it. Now! The distraction of Thriller Bark's surveillance will be phase one of our plan. Phase two, the infiltration, will begin once we're certain they're in the blind. And for that part…" I held up a quartet of fingers. "The rest of us will be splitting into four teams."

**~o~**

I took a calming breath as I prepared myself for what was coming before raising my voice so that everyone could hear. "Alright! Perona—and by extension, Thriller Bark—is blind! If we're going, then it's now or never! Everyone ready to rumble?"

"Let's go!" Luffy cheered eagerly.

"Thanks for the seat, Zoro," Chopper said gratefully.

"Mmph," the swordsman grunted, somehow managing to look dangerous despite having what resembled nothing so much as a reindeer plush on his lap.

"We're all good, Cross!" Franky said.

"And we're good here, too," I nodded in confirmation. I then proceeded to rap my fist against the wall. "Let's roll out!"

"You got it!" Merry announced from up top. "Alright everyone, brace yourselves, because we are doing this for the first time _ever!_ Deploying Soldier Dock System, Channels 1 and 2!"

I grinned eagerly as the chamber we were in slowly rotated to the left, the gate of the dock sliding open and exposing us to the light.

" **Oh, this is** _ **gonna be**_ **fuuun…"** Soundbite squealed.

"From Channel 1!" Merry boasted. "Our Covert Ops deployment vessel…"

There was a _jolt_ as the powered-launch apparatus Franky had installed in the SDS activated, and we were shot out of the berth like a cork from a bottle. The second our grinning white zodiac hit the water, I twisted the throttle and gunned its cola-powered engine so that we steered out and away from the Sunny.

"In homage to the Whitebeard Pirates, the Mini-Moby Motorboat!" Merry laughed from up top. Her laughter redoubled as a secondary clunk echoed from the opposite side of the Sunny. "And from Channel 2! Our Mass Troop Deployment vessel…"

There was an almighty _roar_ from behind the Sunny, and then our other faithful metal steed shot into view, barely even skimming over the waves, it was moving so fast. Large enough to fit nearly a dozen people and powered by an _impressive_ aircraft-grade propeller latched onto its back and piloted by Franky, the—

"Gator Glider!" Merry cheered eagerly.

—was nothing short of a lean, mean, speed machine. This description was only hammered home by how, even laden down with the vast majority of our crew, the vessel sped into the mists at a speed comparable to a non-Shaving Carue.

Once they were gone, I shot a final farewell salute at Merry before revving the Mini-Moby's motor and piloting my team towards the ghost island's shoreline. I slowed our speed when we actually hit the mists and started actually getting close to the island, and we came to a full halt once we bumped into the lip of the island's 'moat'.

And then, after taking a second to reassure my friends that the current would carry the Mini-Moby straight to the dock proper, we all jumped in.

It wasn't a small fall, that's for damn sure, and it was practically unclimbable from the bottom, but thanks to us _willingly_ jumping into the abyss, we were able to control our falls by sliding down the damp and mossy walls of the crevice.

In my honest opinion, our flawless landing at the bottom was _quite_ the feat of badassery.

I took a second to adjust the brim of my cap before glancing around at the rest of my team. "Alright, everyone good to go?"

Robin smiled confidently as she thumbed her Stetson up. "Of course."

Usopp was adjusting the collar of his cloak uncertainly as he glanced around, but ultimately he settled for plastering a shaky grin on his face as clamped one hand down on top of his new (and admittedly pretty cool) hat and used the other to shoot me a thumbs up. "Good to go!"

Conis beamed sunnily even as she tapped her knuckles against the barrel of the Burn Bazooka that was poking over her shoulder, alongside the rest of the armaments she was packing. "I didn't exactly choose to carry all of this to look pretty."

"We came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum!" Su announced with a flick of her tail. "And considering what that stuff does to my fur? I _hate_ bubblegum."

"All in all, Cross?" Lassoo leered malevolently as he shoved himself off my back and licked his chops in anticipation. "I'd say we're good to go. So, let's go already! I want to see some zombies _burn."_

I stiffened as I processed _that_ particular tidbit before shooting a look at my mutt. "Lassoo, I don't know how you've hung around Soundbite and I this long without picking up on this particular tidbit, but when it comes to zombies—!"

" _GRRR!"_

" _CANI-BLAST!"_ Lassoo howled, spinning around and vomiting up a pillar of flames that engulfed the 'poor' Cerberus Zombie that had just showed its head.

" _KAI!"/"KAI!"/"YIP!"_

I sighed as said Cerberus Zombie switched to writhing around on the ground, attempting to bat out the flames crawling over its necrotized hide.

"Heheh!" Lassoo scratched his paw under his nose proudly. "Fire is and always will be the best solution!"

"Noooot really…" I slapped a hand to my forehead with a sigh. "Because see, the thing is? While it might _think_ that it's feeling pain, it'll soon remember that it actually _doesn't."_

"Eh?" My dog-gun blinked up at me in confusion. "And what does that matter?"

" **It matters,"** Soundbite explained dryly. " _Because once it remembers, not only will **the zombie continue to chase us…"**_

The two-thirds Cerberus chose that exact moment to roll back onto its feet and resume its mismatched snarling, only _now_ it had flames burning all over and _within_ it as well.

" **BUT IT WILL DO SO** _ **WHILE STILL ON FIRE!"**_

"Ah…" Lassoo started backing away from his growling pyrrhic counterpart. "I… see your point."

"Glad to hear it," I sighed despondently, even as I prepared to run like a hellhound was on my heels. Oh, wait, _it was._ "So, are there any _other_ questions anyone would like to ask?"

"Uh, actually, I have one."

All attention turned to Usopp as he squinted at the Cerberus. "That third head, the yellow one… is that a fox?"

My gut dropped out from within me, the Cerberus briefly looking stricken before it started snarling and growling louder than ever.

I slowly turned my head to pin Usopp with a cyanide-deadly glare. "You. Dumb. _Fuck._ I _just_ went over this!"

"Aheheh…" The sniper backed away fearfully. "Sorry?"

"Apologize later," Conis sighed in defeat. "For now, unless I miss my guess—?"

" _ **ROOOAAAR!"**_ the immolating zombie howled in triplicate.

" _RUN LIKE HELL, DIPSHITS!"_ Su yelped.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" I yelled back, turning on a dime and running like hellfire from the revenant canine.

"Sonnuva-sonnuva-sonnuva— _shit!"_ Lassoo yelped as he scrambled to keep up. "Of all the times for you to send that damn sword somewhere _else!_ And Soundbite, weren't you working on some brand new badass move or something!? Can't you just blow it to damn pieces!?"

" **Love to,** _can't!"_ Soundbite grimaced, his eyestalks pulling independent 180s. "TOO MANY _DIFFERENT **TYPES OF FLESH**_ **FOR ME TO GET** _ **a common frequency!**_ **I'D ONLY BE ABLE TO BLAST A** _ **bit of the damn**_ THING!"

"Is it just me, or has your Awakened Devil Fruit not been of any help at all since we left Enies Lobby?" Su snapped.

"… _I CAN_ **still use** _ **GASTRO-PHONY at a distance.**_ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE **THE BISCUIT TREATMENT?!"** Soundbite snapped. Conis and Su reacted only in confusion, but everyone else winced, and then I turned a glare on the snail.

"And you aren't doing _that_ to the hellhound… _why,_ exactly!?" I demanded.

"… _PLEASE HOLD,"_ Soundbite whistled to the side.

Before I could rip a chunk out of the snail's hide—or shell, as it were—the pursuing Cerberus suddenly stumbled in its pursuit, hacking and wheezing. It spent a few seconds like that before all three heads swung into one another and they resumed the pursuit, angrier than ever.

Soundbite blinked in honest shock. " **Sonnuva bitch,** _ **SCARFACE BACK THERE** JUST KNOCKED ITS **hearing out of commission!"**_

I blinked in surprise before refocusing on my running for my life. "I will admit, I probably should have seen that coming." I glanced around, looking for something that I could use to fend off the mutts. Putting them down for good could send out the alert too soon, meaning we had to find some way to escape before—

I smirked as I saw an upcoming tree, and moved a hand to my belt. "That'll work," I muttered, shooting the grappling hook and locking it around the tree branch. "Everyone, after me!"

As Lassoo secured himself on my back, I pulled the cord, reeling myself in and onto the branch as Usopp mirrored me with his own belt and Robin provided makeshift ropes for everyone else. Within seconds, we were safe in the boughs of the perfectly normal (a metal heel to the closest thing I could find resembling an eye confirmed it) tree, with the Cerberus zombie circling angrily below. Ultimately, however, it snorted acridly before turning its back and padding away, presumably to either return to its den or to find someone to put it out, leaving behind a stench of burned fur. Eurgh.

Once we all hopped down and dusted ourselves off, I _started_ to speak, but Soundbite snickering to himself grabbed my attention. "Care to share?"

" _N-No no,_ NOTHING! **Y-You just do** _ **whatever!"**_ he managed to choke out through his giggling.

I cocked my eyebrow in blatant disbelief. "If… you say so…" I then shrugged the matter off in favor of properly addressing everyone else, starting by gesturing at the woods around us (once I was sure that Soundbite was properly Scrambling us, anyways). "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the haunted woods of Thriller Bark. They're dark, damp, fog-ridden… and absolutely packed to the gills with the living dead."

"An absolutely _charming_ locale," Robin hummed with… _way_ too much honest sincerity for comfort.

"One I _really_ wanna get out of as fast as possible…" Usopp gulped as he strangled the staff of Kabuto. "Which way out of here?"

"Soundbite?"

"ROAD'S _**thattaway!"**_ Soundbite indicated with his eyestalks.

"Thanks," I nodded gratefully as I started walking in the direction he indicated. "C'mon, _gang!"_

I dug my heels into the ground as I registered what I heard. "What just came out of my mouth!?"

" _Heeheehee…"_ Soundbite snickered.

"Sounds like Soundbite's having some fun at your expense!" Lassoo raised his paw to his mouth and chuckled. " _Reeheehee—_ eh!?"

I shot Soundbite a flat look as Lassoo clamped his muzzle shut. "Okay, once is you messing around, twice is a trend. What's the con?"

Soundbite opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything a flock of bats shot out of the trees, screeching and flapping. All of us tensed as they flew by—except Usopp, who let out a shriek and practically Shaved into Conis' arms, clutching her neck and shoulders like a life preserver.

Conis blinked at our sniper in surprise. "Uh…?"

"Drop him," Su deadpanned, prompting Conis to do so and unceremoniously drop to Usopp the ground.

"WOW, I DIDN'T EVEN _plan that,_ **but it** _**still worked out PERFECTLY!"**_ Soundbite snickered.

"OK, seriously?" I deadpanned, casting a sidelong glare at the snail. "Why are you—"

"HAVE YOU REALLY _**not noticed**_ **our group?!"** Soundbite outright cackled.

I glanced around in confusion for a second before 'ah'ing and realization and pointing everyone out one by one.

"Male Coward—"

"Hey!" Usopp squawked indignantly.

"Female Beauty—"

"Uh… thank you?" Conis leaned away from me with a slightly uncertain look.

"Female Brainiac—"

Robin chuckled, though she was looking at me curiously.

"Male leader…" I pointed at myself before slowly looking down at an incredulous Lassoo. "…and a talking dog," I finished, disbelief evident in my voice. "Sonnuva bitch we're freaking Mystery Incorporated, One Piece Edition."

"HAHAHA! YES!" Soundbite howled maniacally. " _ **And cue tree-assault in THREE, TWO—!"**_

"…meh."

" _HOOHOO_ — **COME AGAIN!?"** Soundbite squawked incredulously.

"You heard me, meh," I said dismissively. "This isn't the universe playing merry hell with my sanity; it's me unintentionally making something happen. And honestly? It's actually a little funny."

Soundbite blinked a few times. Then he looked up at nothing. " _You gonna **take that**_ **lying down?"** he asked.

A second or so later, a branch spontaneously snapped above me, clattering to the ground so that it was leaning against my torso, shoving its smaller branches at Soundbite's face. Said snail had snapped into his shell, and upon poking his eyestalks back out, looked for a moment, and then narrowed them.

I, however, couldn't help but snicker, given the fact that the branches directly in front of Soundbite's face were suspiciously arranged into what very much resembled a fist with the middle finger raised. "Looks like there's a fine line between driving me crazy and taking orders from a snail."

" _Well, **screw you too,"**_ the snail grumbled.

"Okay, watch it," I chuckled as I started walking towards the road. "Honestly, last thing I need is _another_ close encounter of the electric kind, got it?"

" **GURK!"** Soundbite thankfully decided to shut himself up as he shot back into his shell, his eyes poking out and glancing at the sky fearfully before he suddenly tensed up. " **Uh, Cross? I'm not** _the only one who should be_ LOOKING UP."

"Eh?" I glanced at him in confusion. "What are you—?"

"Well, isn't this quite the development?"

"GAH!" I jerked backward and fell on my ass, flinching on account of the _freaking vampire bastard_ that had just dropped out of the branches and who was hanging upside down before me. "For the love of—! We already have someone on our crew who gets her kicks doing that, we don't need anyone else!"

"I'm inclined to agree with our… _dubiously_ beloved tactician," Robin chuckled as she and my friends stepped up beside me, she herself helping me to my feet as they stared up at the squat bat-winged zombie.

"My humblest apologies," the vamp-zombie simpered through his ever-present grin. "My name is Hildon. I am something of the majordomo around these parts. It is an honor to welcome you to our humble horrifying home of Thriller Bark, Straw Hat Pirates."

I took a brief moment to appreciate nobody in our current group having the stupidity to ask how he knew who we were before responding. "Well, that's warmer a welcome than I was expecting," I remarked. "Can't really say I'm surprised you recognize us, though. Fans, huh? Or did you just get our wanted posters?"

"Oh, you've acquired a poster of your own, have you?" Hildon perked up—or down, as it were—eagerly. "How riveting! No, we were completely unaware of that! The News Coos haven't been coming around lately, for some reason. Really…" He tilted his head to the side with a sigh. "It's quite vexing if I'm being honest. What have we ever done to them?"

Coming to a likely conclusion, I sent a silent word of thanks to Coo before refocusing on the zombie as he continued.

"But anyways, yes! Fans!" Hildon nodded eagerly before tilting his head with a despondent frown. "Up until recently, anyways…"

"Recently?" Conis questioned curiously.

"Ah, well, you see…" Hildon crossed his arms over his chest and bowed his head despondently. "Our domicile is _quite_ isolated, you see, and we're quite interconnected around here, so we've only ever had or _needed_ a single Transponder Snail. But a few weeks back…" He spread his wings in dismay. "We were attacked!"

Conis, Su, and Usopp exchanged glances as they heard that, while I blinked in comprehension. A glance at Robin and Soundbite showed that they had come to the same conclusion, and I looked back at Hildon with a well-schooled expression of curiosity. "And… these attackers stole your Transponder Snail?"

"HA! If that were _all_ that they did, we'd probably have just laughed it off, but no such luck! You see, a few weeks back, two different pirate crews joined in an alliance and, without _any_ provocation whatsoever—!"

I only just managed to keep from coughing out a not-so-subtle 'bullshit'.

"—attacked the island without an inkling of remorse or hesitation!" Hildon swung his arm over his eyes in despair. "We didn't do a darned thing to them, and yet they started tearing our humble abode apart at the seams! Even going so far as to steal our only connection to the outside world! Oh, woe is us, _woe_ says I!"

I rolled my eyes at the ham-tastic performance, but stayed silent.

Eventually, Hildon quit his fake blubbering and wiped the non-existent tears from his eyes, grinning widely. "Ah, but now you're here, and you can regale us with marvelous tales of your adventures in person! If you'd be so inclined, anyways."

Now _that_ actually snagged my attention, and Robin's as well if her glance at me was anything to go by. "To confirm, when you say 'us'…?"

Without any warning, Hildon dropped from the canopy and flipped around to land on his feet. He then shoved his thumbs in his mouth, blew out a harsh whistle…

And with a clatter of hooves and grinding of wheels, an old-fashioned but well-designed horse-drawn carriage came rolling towards us, drawn by two things that were definitely _not_ traditional horsemen. Seriously, what the _fuck_ was sewn onto that second horse's neck!?

"By 'us'," Hildon chuckled in what I bet was meant to be an inviting tone. "I mean the master of the glorious manor where I serve. I refer to the illustrious home of the world's greatest medical mind…" His fangs glinted in the lantern-light. "Doctor Hogback."

"Yeah, because _that's_ not suspicious at all," Lassoo muttered beneath his breath, before jumping with a yip of pain, presumably on account of a hand that was rapidly disintegrating from where it'd sprouted on his backside.

"Lead the way," Robin invited with all the casual ease someone who had the epithet 'Devil Child' should have.

Credit to Hildon, he didn't even twitch, though I suppose already being _dead_ might have had something to do with it. "Please, allow me," he offered politely, swinging the carriage's door open and gesturing for us to step inside.

I climbed in with a nod of thanks and took a seat by the window, and I couldn't help but share a victorious grin with Robin as she sat next to me.

I wasn't foolish enough to think that everything would certainly be smooth sailing from here, but damn if it didn't feel good for my plan to be going right so far.

**~o~**

"Alright, here's how things are going to hash out," I said as I held up a single finger. "Team 1, a.k.a. 'Gatecrasher', will be the ones who walk in the front door, pretending to fall for the island's tricks, and when we get deep enough into the heart of it, sabotage. That team will consist of Conis, Su, Robin, Usopp, Lassoo, Soundbite, and myself. And before you say anything, Funkfreed," I added, holding up a reassuring hand to the elephant, "the only reason I won't have you with me is that I have something special in mind for you. You won't be acting as a sword, but you will _definitely_ be right in the thick of the action."

"Works for me!" the elephant saluted with his trunk.

"Incidentally, Cross, I'm curious about something," Brook interjected. "One weapon that merged with a Zoan Devil Fruit is interesting, but two seems to be a pattern, and considering your secret… are you making a habit of collecting them?"

I blinked as the weapons in question looked at me in askance, and I shrugged. "Not intentionally, shit just lines up like that. Though I _am_ happy with the results. And they were the only two Zoan weapons I can remember, so—" I frowned as a certain monstrous slime salamander came to mind. "…Strike that, there was one other, but 'weapon' doesn't begin to describe it, and I'm pretty certain that even 'properly sapient' is a stretch. Aaaand that's a long way off besides… Anyway, as I was saying, I don't think I _can_ make a habit of it, so no."

Brook nodded, and I shifted back to what I was saying before. "Anyway, getting back on topic… First of all, Merry, now's the time to forego surprise in favor of strategy; what have we got in the Soldier Dock System?"

A slight air of disappointment brushed across Merry's face, but it was only for a second before she withdrew a pair of blueprints from her coat and laid them out. "Channel 1 is the Mini-Moby Motorboat, designed for covert ops or shopping trips. Carrying capacity is five fully grown humans plus baggage. And Channel 2 is the Gator Glider airboat. The giant fan engine sacrifices subtlety for speed, but it's big enough to load eight fully grown humans plus baggage."

"Perfect. Team 1 will take the Mini-Moby, then; we'll be heading for the island's moat and meeting up with their scout, which should lead us straight to the mansion in the middle of the island that the Mysterious Four use as their base. And once we're there…"

I slowly turned to look at our doctor. "Chopper, I'm going to guess that you can tell us all about one Doctor Hogback, right?"

"Doctor Hogback!?" our doctor squealed ecstatically, stars practically sparkling in his eyes. "Of course I can! He's the Vegapunk of medical science, the absolute most brilliant surgeon the whole world over! He's saved countless lives that many others thought to be completely forfeit! A bonafide genius without par, admired by all doctors bar none! But…" Chopper tilted his head to the side curiously. "One day he just disappeared, without any warning whatsoever. People have been wondering where he's been for years… unless…"

Chopper gasped deeply, and I felt a brief flare of hope in my chest… only for a renewed round of sparkling to dash my hopes to nothing. "Do you know where Doctor Hogback is, Cross? Can I meet him, can I, can I?"

"Ah…" I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at those too-innocent eyes of his. Going by the way that everyone else—even _Luffy_ —was exchanging uneasy looks, they'd put the pieces together, too. Unfortunately, none of the traitors decided to relieve me of the burden of breaking our poor reindeer's heart.

"Chopper… you remember that the Shadow-Shadow fruit works by animating cadavers with stolen shadows, right?" I asked quietly.

"Uh…" The sparkle died in Chopper's eyes in favor of confusion as he slowly nodded. "Yeah? Why, what does that matter?"

"It matters…" I dragged the words out painfully. "Because while the shadows can animate the bodies, they still need said bodies to actually _work._ They need working joints, connected tendons… basically, they need bodies that are dead, but in proper physical condition nonetheless."

Chopper frowned in confusion. "But… dead bodies decompose. They'd be unsuitable for… for anything!"

"Unless…" I sighed despondently, resigning myself to what I was about to do. "The person my team is targeting were to fix them up; retrofit them with new bones, new muscles, new _everything…_ until they were better in death than they ever were in life."

Chopper 'ah'd and started to nod in agreement before his entire body froze, horrified realization obvious in his eyes. There was a tense silence as he just… stared at me.

"…you're—" he whispered softly, struggling to finish his sentence.

"Wrong?" I asked back, just as softly. "How? Lying? Why?"

Chopper's jaw silently opened and shut, until he swallowed heavily. "…why?" he parroted with a croak.

I grimaced at what I was about to say. "Hogback… was proud of his skills as a surgeon, but he was only ever in it for money. All the patients who came to him for his miraculous skills, he just saw them as annoyances, and looked down on any doctors who actually enjoyed helping others. Moria… he got him onboard by letting him resurrect a dead actress that he had a crush on. That civilian maid who lost her shadow… _she's_ the one who has it. She's his…" I _tried_ to find a term that didn't sound utterly horrible, but… "Let's go with 'personal assistant'."

Silence fell for a full minute as Chopper bowed his head, his body shuddering and shivering uncontrollably. Then, without warning, Chopper raised his head and I recoiled at the glowing cyan _pits_ that his eyes had become.

" **Calm down, Cross, I'm in full control this time,"** Chopper stated, though his tone made everyone shiver. " **I should thank you, actually. After all, you've just shown me what's needed to tame the irrational part of my genius:** _ **focusing the entirety of my psychosis on a singular target."**_

"Is… that so…" Merry got out uncomfortably.

" **Hogback…"** Chopper muttered like a reindeer possessed, apparently ignoring us. " **I looked up to him… I** _ **respected him…**_ _**I**_ **admired** _ **him…"**_ Chopper's hooves clenched and his eyes blazed with unholy fury. " _ **AND I WANT**_ **TEN MINUTES** _ **ALONE WITH HIM."**_

I shuddered slightly at the pure murder in his voice, but I managed to steel my nerve enough to respond. "You'll get as long as you want, Chopper," I assured him. "Exact whatever pounds of flesh you want. Just let my team grab him and get him to spill his guts to the world first. He's the weakest of the Mysterious Four, but he still has all the knowledge of the godforsaken place in his head. So long as I can get him talking to the world, then they'll _all_ be screwed to hell and back. After that, his fat ass is _all_ yours. That sound good to you?"

Chopper kept trembling for a bit, his nostrils flaring with snorts of impotent rage, and then he slumped forwards with a defeated sigh, the shadows seeming to melt away from his face and leaving him just looking… _drained._

The Zoan-reindeer took a few more calming breaths before looking up, his eyes pleading. "Cross… I-I just… I have to know. Did he… ever really succeed in resurrecting the dead? Was it all… just a lie?"

I slowly closed my eyes as I recalled a specific moment in the arc.

"…In the final showdown against him, you appealed to Cindry, trying to stir her memories. Logic says it shouldn't have worked, that there should have been nothing and nobody in her, but…" A wistful smile crossed my face. "For an instant… her heart beat again. She smiled like she did a thousand times before when she was alive, like she'd never done in death… and she found _peace."_

I stared off at nothing for a second before morosely focusing on Chopper. "Maybe there is a way to permanently fend off the Reaper, Chopper, maybe there is—!"

"But that's not it," he ground out immediately, his gaze as cold as steel. "What you described… that's not true life. It's not _medicine._ I'll keep looking for the solution the right way."

I nodded with some relief, and turned to regard the rest of the crew. "Anyway, the short version is that Team 1 will be responsible for meeting Hogback, capturing him, interrogating him, and then putting him out of commission so that he can't assume control of the zombies. Any objections?"

None were forthcoming.

"Perfect. Now, moving on to Team 2…" I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your task will be both more dangerous and more difficult."

**~o~**

"Well, _this_ is certainly a hospitable welcome," Su deadpanned as she sat in the carriage's empty driver seat, staring at the equally vacant spot where the 'horses' had been.

"Mrgh, it's certainly standard fare for these parts…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully as I eyeballed the gate standing between us and the impressively large manor that stood in the distance. "Though… I don't get _why_ he pulled it. I could have _sworn_ that he only did it in the story because Nami, Chopper and, well…" I nodded at Usopp, who responded with a flat leer. "All chickened out because of that sideshow we rode by earlier."

"Now that doesn't make much sense," Robin hummed to herself. "After all, I didn't think that those zombies we saw earlier were all that frightening. Why, I'd even say they were quite cute."

"Um, Robin?" Conis scratched the back of her head with an uncomfortable grin. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but… that's because your mind is a very dark, scary, and wrong place. No offense."

Robin blinked at her in honest confusion. "Why would I take offense from that?"

A sweatdrop hung from Conis' brow. "Very, _very_ wrong."

"Personally?" Lassoo panted as he licked his chops unabashedly. "All those aged meats just made me hungry."

"You're just wrong in _so_ many ways, full-stop," Su stated flatly.

"If we could get back on topic please?" Usopp whimpered fearfully.

" _It's Cross's fault!"_ Soundbite sang.

"Blow it out your shell," I deadpanned.

" **Actually,** _ **I'M NOT KIDDING!"**_ my snail leered impishly. "HILDY FLEW OFF _cackling to himself over making **Jeremiah Cross piss his pants**_ **IN TERROR!"**

"…oh," I chuckled apologetically. "Ah… whoops? W-Well, if that's all the flighty bastard wants, then I say we get out of here fast, before—!"

_CRACK!_

We all stiffened fearfully as the sound of the earth splitting open rang out like shattered glass, punctuated by a faint but slowly rising groaning.

"… _crap,"_ Usopp whimpered fearfully, leading us all in slowly turning to face the source of the unholy noise.

There was a second or two of stillness as the ground cracked and shuddered, but before long, with a singular heave of movement, I got my first look at the living dead.

My first reaction upon seeing the zombies was to flinch away. Not in terror, mind you; their overall demeanor and superior numbers were rather concerning, sure, but my prior knowledge meant they weren't _that_ scary. Rather, it was on account of a situation much similar to the first (and only, thus far) time I met a fishman: The dark and dismal devil lay in the unshown details.

And the detail of _this_ day was that while Hogback was good, rotting flesh was still _rotting._ I hadn't seen it before in the horsemen or the denizens of the woods because of the fog and gloom being thicker there, but now? What I was being confronted with wasn't an array of the undead you'd find in normal anime or cartoons, but rather a full-blown horde that had just clawed its way off of the set of _The Walking Dead!_ Missing tracts of skin and flesh, distorted and gaunt features, discolored musculature… and those were just the ones who still looked human. Others just looked… _mismatched;_ too-large limbs, too-small heads, and everything in between.

And there was an _army_ of these things on the island, with these guys the absolute _least_ of their ranks?! I woefully resigned myself to the fact that we were in for a _loooong_ day… Or night, I guess? Ergh, the sooner we got out of this damn fog…

Robin and Conis both snapped into ready positions, Robin crossing her arms and Conis grabbing at the grip of her Blaze Bazooka, only to pause uncertainly. "Ah…" they chorused.

"Yeah, not much we can do against an _army of the undead!"_ I snapped. "Right now, there's only one thing we _can_ do!"

"YEAH!" Soundbite cackled. " _And you know what_ **that is?!"**

"Run like hell!?" Usopp choked in terror.

"Ye—!" I started to concur.

" _ **NOPE!"**_ Soundbite cut me off with a roar of laughter. " **ROCK LIKE HECK!"**

"Wait, wha—?" I stiffened as realization hit me upside the head with a crowbar. "Oh, _nonono—!"_

I _tried_ to dissuade the little shit, I really, really did, but barely a second later all anyone or I could do was flinch and pause at the sound of wolves howling in the distance. Wolves that were almost immediately accompanied by a _very_ familiar synth riff.

" _IT'S CLOSE TO MIIIIIDNIGHT_

_SOMETHING EVIL'S LURKING IN THE DARK!"_

"Oi vey…" I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Soundbite, your taste is _officially_ deader than disco."

"WAIT UNTIL I _Rick Roll_ **your wake!"** Soundbite chortled without missing so much as a single riff.

"Another off-color reference, I take it?" Robin asked dryly as she warily eyed the yet-paused horde of the undead.

"Eh…" I wavered my hand in a non-committal manner. "Not so much 'off-color' as 'supremely cheesy'…" I pegged my snail with a glare. "And also _at the worst possible time."_

" _ **If not now,**_ **THEN FREAKING WHEN!?"** Soundbite sniffed.

"Preferably at some point when I'm far, _far_ away from here and we're _not_ all in danger of being torn apart!" Usopp snapped irritably.

" _ **NYEH!"**_ Soundbite responded by sticking his tongue out in a _veeeery_ mature manner.

"Ugh," I rolled my eyes in… more exasperation than disgust, really. It wasn't like this was _that_ bad in the grand scheme of things. "Well, at least you've somehow managed to baffle the zombies with your bullshit. Once they snap out of it, though—!"

"Ah… Cross?"

"Hm?" I glanced at Su curiously.

"I… don't think that that's going to be much of a problem," she stated.

"What are… you…?" I trailed off as I looked back at the zombies.

" _YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES_

_AND HOPE THAT THIS IS JUST IMAGINATION!"_

I… _really_ didn't want to believe what my eyes were telling me at the moment, but it wasn't like I really had a choice: I couldn't even begin to deny that the cadavers seemed to be all but sniffing the air as the song built to a crescendo.

' _Could they?'_ I wondered. ' _Nah, they can't be._ That _would be too much. It's just not—!'_

"What are they doing?" Lassoo asked as the zombies started to move.

"They appear to be… getting into positions…" Conis summarized weakly.

And indeed, it appeared like the zombies were indeed shuffling around, slowly starting to form ranks… and… assemble into a triangle _oh you have_ _got to be kidding me._

" _DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THE LAND_

_THE MIDNIGHT HOUR IS CLOSE AT HAND!"_

"Uh… Should we be worried?" Robin asked me quietly as the zombies all stared silently at us.

" _Eeeheeheeheeeeee!"_ Soundbite giggled eagerly, clearly relishing in how what had started out as a mere off-color reference was spiraling beyond anything he could have predicted.

I _wanted_ to respond in a more coherent manner, but the song switching up to _Vincent-freaking-Price_ had killed any chance of that _._ After all, that meant…

Yup. The instant the voiceover ended (and good God having Vincent Price doing a voiceover for real life was absolutely _chilling_ ), the synth picked up again and the zombies began marching in step with the beat, twitching their heads to their right. Then they swung their arms out, shifting to the side and outright _headbanging_ , their legs showing far more dexterity than they really should have. And _then_ they started shuffling and swaying and stepping _towards us_.

It was right as they did a _jumping jack_ and a slide move when Soundbite began cackling at a level that Price himself would have been proud of. "THIS. IS. _**PERFECT!**_ **HAHAHA! BETTER THAN** _ **I could have ever possibly conceived!** Ohhh, I love-love-LOVE_ **the Grand Line!"**

I felt my hands and legs twitch as the zombies did the classic claw-handed sway. "It certainly is a… _unique_ location."

"I gotta admit," Su whistled with no small amount of awe. "For a bunch of stiffs missing half their asses, these guys can shake what little they have left."

"It's like a Sea King attack…" Usopp muttered as he stared through his fingers. "So horrifying… but you can't look away."

" _ **For the record, if you need a** solid surface?"_ Soundbite whistled in faux innocence. "THE CARRIAGE IS _EVER-READY FOR YOUR SKULL!"_

I was still for a moment as I watched the still-boogying zombies before slowly turning my head to direct a blank stare at my partner. "And… why would I want to do that?" I asked flatly.

"… **eh?"** the snail blinked in confusion.

"Well, c'mon, like I said earlier: it's not the universe screwing with me, just you," I stated in a still-casual manner. "These zombies dancing? I kinda remember them doing this in the story, and them knowing this song and dance… is actually quite humorous. Awe-inspiring even."

"That's all well and good, Cross," Robin muttered subtly as she kept an eye on the display. "But if they're distracted, shouldn't we be going?"

I slowly turned my blank stare on her. "Why?" I asked, my tone still under lock and key. "They're not doing anything harmful, and giving the others more time to get in position only helps us."

"I… see…" she nodded hesitantly. "So… we're just going to stand here and watch these… meat-puppets dance?"

"Well," I jerked my head to the side. " _You're_ going to watch them dance. I am going to be doing… something else."

Robin blinked in surprise. "And… that would be…?"

"Robin," I said as I started to work my arms out of my jacket and fold it up, placing a more-and-more eager Soundbite on top of the bundle. "We are currently in the presence of real live zombies dancing to the song 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson. This performance is one of the most iconic performances in my world, even though it was first performed nearly thirty years ago. There is only one thing I _can_ do in this situation."

I shoved my jacket and partner into her arms. "Hold my snail."

As the zombies stomped around to face away from us, I joined in, moving in tandem.

"FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT!" I belted out as me and the mass of zombies stomped back. Right after the "EIGHT!" I whirled around, the entire crowd following me. And there it was.

"'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER!

THRILLER NIGHT!"

It's amazing how easy it was to lead a pack of zombies in a professionally made dance routine. The zombies knew what they were doing, obviously, but I'd never done anything like this before, and to pull them off flawlessly?

Okay, not flawlessly. I got my feet tangled up once or twice on slide shuffles, and the spins always left me a bit disoriented afterward, but I was doing way better than I had any right to. But I had two things working in my favor. As I said, the zombies knew what they were doing, and if I got lost I could quickly catch up. More importantly, though? That song. _That song._

" _YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE INSIDE A_

_KILLER_

_THRILLER_

_AH!"_

All I needed to do was let the song take over. That's all. Somehow, my body knew what moves to make. The mistakes I mentioned earlier were mistakes of execution, not of ignorance. King of fucking Pop indeed.

Finally, one last spin after another stomp backwards put me facing back towards my team, somewhat hunched over, one arm held in front of me and the zombies crouched all around. At that point, there was really only one thing to say.

"EAT YOUR HEART OUT, JACKSON!" I belted out.

The original repetitive synth riffs sounded out again, Vincent Price doing his trademark evil laugh in the background, and I was all set to shuffle forward, crowd of zombies at my back and wide-eyed crewmates in front…

" _GYAGH!"_

When I was interrupted by a vicegrip clamping down onto my left ear and nearly tearing it clean off my head with a harsh yank, the music cutting out to the sound of a record scratch.

"You will _ever and always_ find new ways to top yourself, _brother mine,"_ Robin grit out as she dragged me towards the _blatantly_ haunted mansion that loomed over us, the zombies _behind_ us too stunned by the development and the sudden stop of the music to do much more than stare.

"I wouldn't— _AGH!—_ expect _you_ of all people to stop— _YEOW!—_ me from having a nice bit— _OWOWOW!—_ of macabre fun, _sister dear,_ " I accused as I struggled to keep pace with her.

"There's a fine line between 'fun' and 'overkill,' especially in a situation like this," she replied.

"THERE'S _NO SUCH THING **AS OVERKILL!**_ **There is only 'DEAD' and** ' _ **NOT DEAD ENOUGH! HEEHEE—**_ **HURK!"** Soundbite was cut off by a newly materialized hand grabbing his tongue.

"I usually handle my many and varied affairs with an open hand," Robin flatly informed him. "But I _will_ become the first person in the world to willingly punch a snail if I have to. Understood?"

"… _aheheh…"_ Soundbite chuckled warily as I took him back and put him back on my shoulder. " _ **Too far,** I TAKE IT?"_

"Liiiittle bit," Lassoo pinched the toes of his paw together as he trotted alongside us.

"If it's any consolation?" Conis chuckled sheepishly as she and Usopp scrambled to keep up with our archaeologist. "I thought that you were quite good."

"Thank— _ergh!_ —you," I said around the hand twisting my ear.

"Uhhh…" one of the zombies piped up uneasily, slowly raising its hand. "So…"

_That_ turned out to be a mistake on his part, because it prompted Robin to release my ear and wheel around, shooting a positively _lethal_ glare at the horde that caused them to flinch as one. "We are going ahead to the mansion now."

She narrowed her eyes and slowly crossed her arms over her chest. "Unless any of _you_ would like to stand in our way?"

Almost in unison, the zombies all dove forward… right into the ground, burying their heads and shoulders and leaving their rotting forms sticking up in a grove of bodies.

Robin took a moment before turning around, her anger gone and nary a hint of bemusement betraying the cool satisfaction she displayed. "Good. Now, shall we?" She didn't wait for an answer before resuming her stride.

We were all quick to scramble after her, none of us willing to fall too far behind and risk drawing her wrath.

"She used to be your _enemy!?"_ Conis hissed out of the corner of her mouth with nigh hysteric incredulity.

"Trust me, we liked _that_ particular relationship as much as you'd possibly expect!" I hissed back.

"This really _is_ a horror-house island…" Usopp whimpered miserably as he yanked his hat as far down as he could.

From there on, we continued down the fog-laden path in silence, slowly but steadily approaching the impressive (in scale, if nothing else) manor, nothing stirring from air or ground to disturb our progress. As such, we reached the front doors without any trouble. Or, well, front-archway, but same difference.

I let out a low whistle as we walked into the shadowy tunnel. Gothic house of nightmares or not, I couldn't deny that it had a certain air of unmistakable majesty to it.

I hid a smirk behind my fist. It was gonna be _fun_ to put this place to the—! Heheheh, too close. Don't wanna spoil anything juuuust yet.

Of course, the mystique was _kinda_ ruined by the old well situated next to the door that was being illuminated by a spotlight.

The well's rope started to creak, presumably from Cindry being pulled up by whatever mechanism she was currently hanging from, and I was patiently waiting for her to appear…

" **I hear with my little ear,** _**a STIFF hanging in a well!"**_

When Soundbite decided to pipe up and be… well, _Soundbite._

"GAAAH!" Hogback shrieked as he slammed the mansion-door open, staring at us in naked terror. "H-H-HOW DID YOU KNOW!?"

" _Soundbite!"_ I hissed incredulously.

" _ **Whaaat?"**_ he whined with an ear-to-ear grin. " _I can tell that **whoever's in the well is wound up**_ **tighter than a** _PERCUSSION BAND,_ WHY CAN'T I CALL HER **A STIFF?"**

Hogback and I both twitched (me more discreetly than him) before allowing ourselves to heave sighs of relief.

"Oh, so that's all he meant…" Hogback muttered beneath his breath.

"You're an _ass…"_ I hissed at Soundbite.

" _ **This should not be a surprise to you,"**_ he sneered back, completely unrepentant.

Anyway, after a second, Hogback managed to compose himself and adjusted his facemask a bit before pointing his nose in the air. "A-A-Anyways! Welcome, Straw Hat Pirates, to my humble abode!" He spread his hands out in a grandiose manner. "Please allow me to introduce myself! I am—!"

"The world-famous man renowned as a 'genius', Doctor Hogback," Robin blithely interrupted him.

Hogback's head bounced as a weight slammed down around his neck. "—geh…"

"Master of medicine, specialist of specialties, most prominently renowned for being a surgeon extraordinaire," our archaeologist continued. "And of course, he's also known as the greatest doctor in the world."

"Ah, no, wait…" Hogback's hands twitched slightly as he tried to reach out to Robin. "That-That's my introduction, y-you can't just—!"

"Though in my opinion?" Robin forged on, wavering her hand in a so-so manner. "I'd say that he's only the _second_ greatest."

"EH!?" Hogback squawked indignantly as he snapped his spine straight. " _Second_ best!? That is totally and utterly preposterous! Who could _possibly_ surpass a genius such as I?!"

"Hm?" Robin blinked in a manner I could tell was fake, but I seriously doubted Hogback thought she was anything but genuine. "Why, Doctor Vegapunk, of course. After all, he _is_ the smartest man in the world, is he not?"

"VEGAPUNK IS NOTHING BUT A TWO-BIT, HACKSHOP GREASE-MONKEY OF A— _GRGGHH…!"_ Hogback trailed off into incoherent snarling, his hands strangling the air. This continued for several seconds before he descended into tired huffing. "Give me… a moment…" he wheezed. He then stepped back inside the manor and slid behind the yet-closed half of the doors, out of sight but not so far that we couldn't hear him ranting and snarling under his breath.

I cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Robin. "Well played."

"You may have a natural talent for invective, but I have plenty of experience on my own," Robin chuckled behind a loose fist. "I imagine that he'll be too flustered to analyze any further manipulations on your part."

"Which will be _very—!"_ I snapped my mouth shut when a profusely sweating Hogback stepped back into sight.

"I… _apologize_ for that little display just now," he choked out bitterly. "I… I _acknowledge_ that you are perfectly entitled to your personal opinions. B-But anyway, I believe we are off-track." He straightened his back with what little dignity he had left. "Yes, I am Doctor Hogback, and this is my manor. And you all are the Straw Hat Pirates, correct?"

"We're a few of them, yeah," I nodded in confirmation. "We went on ahead to check this place out, but our friends are all back on the Sunny waiting to phone back in. Which is…" I made a show of grimacing uncomfortably. "Turning out to be a problem."

" **I'd say the fog's playing** _ **merry hell WITH ME,** but I'd prefer Merry _TO THIS!" Soundbite gagged, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

I withheld a grin as I saw a glint shine in Hogback's glasses. "Is that so? Well, that's just _awful,_ truly awful! Is there anything I can… oh, I know!" He stepped aside and gestured inwards. "Here, why don't you all step inside and enjoy a hot meal on my behalf? And while you're doing that, I'll send my manservant to inform your crew that you're waiting here."

"Are you sure? We wouldn't want you to trouble yourself—!" Conis began in a convincingly demure voice.

"FOSFOSFOSFOS!" Hogback cut her off as he threw his head back and laughed. "Trouble to welcome the most famous, infamous, _and_ entertaining pirates of this generation? Quite the contrary, it's an _honor._ And besides…" His smile took on an acidic overtone. "My manservant could use the exercise. I swear, all he does is laze around all day, packing on the pounds without a care in the—!"

I tensed up furiously when Hogback suddenly flinched and cut himself off, plastering an apologetic smile on his face as he started to _casually_ rub the back of his head. "I-I-I'm sorry, I got ahead of myself again. I _really_ shouldn't speak ill of those who… aren't present." Even behind his thick glasses, his glance to the side was unmistakable.

I swallowed heavily as I processed the implications of this development. " _Soundbite!?"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

" **His heart** _ **only JUST beat, AND HE'S BARELY BREATHING!"**_ Soundbite hissed back in a freaked out tone. "HELL, EVEN HIS _body's voice is saying 'not here, not here' over and over! I ONLY NOTICED WHEN_ **I COULDN'T DENY THE FACTS ANY LONGER!"**

My jaw twitched a bit as I mulled that over, and then I swallowed and stretched a twitchy grin over my face. "Well, either way, thank you very much for the offer, Doctor. I imagine that our own doctor, Chopper, will be overjoyed to hear about your presence here." I let my grin perk up a bit with sadistic humor. "He dug out an old article about your work earlier today, you see. For the past few hours, you've been _all_ he can talk about."

Well, at least _one_ of those sentences was true.

"FOSFOSFOS! Well, isn't that just _grand!"_ Hogback cackled. "I look forward to entertaining all of your friends, and treating you all to each and every last one of the countless splendors that Thriller Bark has to offer! But for now…" He stepped aside and swung his arms inward. "I shall settle for simply entertaining _you._ Right this way!"

And with that, we all made to file through the door, but we came to a halt when Robin jerked to a stop.

"Robin?" I questioned.

"…Perhaps this island is haunted, because it _felt_ like something just grabbed my… _backside."_ Robin bit out.

I felt a cold sense of calm come over me as I heard that, and my suspicions were only confirmed when Hogback discretely slapped his hand to his face. That… that just _reinforced_ what I was feeling. "Let's hope that it _is_ just the haunting," I said darkly. "Because if anyone really _was_ stupid enough to do that, then I would have no choice but to find whoever was responsible and utterly. Fucking. _Destroy them."_

The uncomfortable silence that arose as a result of my 'idle musings' lasted for a second before it was broken by the distinctly _not_ subtle sound of hastily retreating footfalls from somewhere nearby.

"…just have to _love_ the spooky environment here, hm?" Hogback hummed in a tone of forced calm. "I find that the tricks it plays on one's mind are _quite_ refreshing! Now come along, come along, we should be going!"

"Nice bluff," Usopp muttered nervously as he started walking again, glancing over his shoulder as he went.

"Who the hell's bluffing?" I growled back.

We entered the manor in silence, at least, until we were interrupted.

"Doctor Hogback," a disinterested voice echoed from the well. "Should I still come up?"

My frigid rage lightened up a bit at the sight of Hogback starting to squabble with the well, balancing over the edge as he shouted at the zombie within. My mood lightened even further as I considered matters up to this point.

Our aspect of the plan was going roughly 99% as well as I'd hoped, and in this case, that was more than enough.

Here's hoping that the second team was having just as much luck. _Especially_ considering their target.

**~o~**

"Team 2, a.k.a. 'Honey Pot', will be the guard force that remains here on the Sunny," I said as I pointed down at the deck. "Their objective will be to deal with the fourth and final member of the Mysterious Four who will inevitably swing by while we're all away."

There was a wave of confusion before Merry raised her hand. "And… how exactly is dealing with an enemy on our home turf more difficult _or_ dangerous than traipsing straight into enemy territory?" she asked.

I crossed my arms and scowled. "Because while Spandam is a scumbag unmatched by anyone short of a World Noble, _Absalom_ is a close second who actually has the brawn to back up his inner bile."

I took in the rest of the crew's incredulous and disgusted looks before starting to tick off on my fingers. "In straight-up combat ability, Absalom is probably the strongest fighter on Thriller Bark. He's the only one who doesn't _need_ Devil Fruit-based trickery to win, and the fact that he's an ability user anyway only heightens his threat level. He's been willingly subjected to countless surgeries under Hogback, giving him skin as thick as an elephant's (present company excluded) for extreme durability as well as a few hundred pounds of gorilla and bear muscle for crazy strength, and not only does he—to reiterate— _have a Devil Fruit,_ he's wily in manipulating it, so while he can come off as an idiot at times, he can be _smart_ when it counts _._ Oh, and by the by, that Devil Fruit I just mentioned? It's known as the Clear-Clear Fruit."

The tip of Sanji's cigarette burst into flames. " _What,"_ he snarled darkly.

I nodded regretfully at him before continuing. "For those of you who are unaware? The Clear-Clear Fruit grants the power of invisibility, to both the user and anything that they're touching, which Absalom usually uses in conjunction with a pair of wrist-mounted bazookas."

Boss ground his teeth in grim thought. "So, basically, not only is there going to be a juggernaut of ruthless strength and implacable resilience on board, but he's an _invisible_ juggernaut too?!"

"And it's somehow accentuated by what he's like on the _inside…"_ Funkfreed breathed, his eyes wide in sickened realization. "I've been with Spandam for… pretty much my entire life, so you know I speak from experience when I ask how _anyone_ not a Noble could come close!"

I scowled murderously as several… _images_ flashed through my head. "By being a pervert… actually, no," I corrected myself at the incredulous looks I was getting. "That's not really accurate. He's _not_ a pervert…" My hands slowly curled into shaking fists. "He's a _predator."_

Conis gasped, her and Vivi's eyes widening in horror, while Raphey, Robin, and Nami's faces contorted murderously.

"Care to elaborate on that?" said navigator growled.

"Yeah, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing something here," an obliviously confused Merry added. "What do predators and perverts have to do with each other?"

"…Go figure, she _does_ still have some innocence," Leo muttered.

"Well, I mean, I know about…" The ship-girl made a circle with one hand, and jabbed her index finger in, pulling it back and forth. "But not the whole 'predator' thing."

I grimaced at Merry's comment, but deadpanned, "If I told you guys what I saw him do in the story, Nami's subconscious would electrocute everyone, and I'm pretty sure Sanji would blow the roof off of the pavilion."

"Cross, I built that thing _SUPER!_ tough. A million beris says it'll hold up," Franky scoffed as Nami grudgingly handed Conis her Clima-Tact.

I shrugged, and not-so-discreetly moved as far away from Nami as I could. "He molested Robin onboard while invisible, spied on Nami in the bath, molested her there, and eventually kidnapped her, put her in a chemical-coma, and then had her fitted in a wedding dress and attempted to marry her while she was still knocked out."

_**BOOM! CLATTER!** _

"Oh, _that's_ what you meant by predator," Merry nodded, before her face twisted into a murderous snarl. "Can I punch him in the coconuts? I'd really like to punch him in the coconuts. Repeatedly."

"That can be arranged. Also, I win, Franky," I deadpanned as I watched Boss and Zoro wrestle a flaming demon to the lawn, only just managing to keep him from smashing our entry ticket to the Land of the Un-Living wide open before we were ready. Above him, a blazing hole smoldered in the pavilion's roof, which was just elevated and crooked enough to show that it had been blown off.

"Shave off a million beris from my debt, Nami," I added, looking back at the navigator who (along with Raphey) was currently making the same attempt to break open the barrel despite being bound in place by several disembodied arms.

" **I'll add** _ **ten**_ **million more if your plan doesn't involve me pulling a Nimbus Tempo on that patchwork** _ **bastard**_ **,"** she snarled murderously.

"…that can also be arranged, but it may not do him much damage on its own," I warned.

" _ **What about twenty in a row?"**_

"…more plausible," I admitted. "So, any further questions before I tell you all what I have in mind?"

"Just the one," Merry sighed, staring at the broken pavilion with regret. "When is Franky ever going to learn _not to challenge you on shit like this?"_

"Since when have you known _me_ to be that smart…" Franky grumbled back.

**~o~**

Alongside the main entrance of Thriller Bark, a long and tall set of stairs stretched down to a pier. A pier that was very close to a gigantic spider's web. The web's creator was nowhere nearby, as far as anyone looking on could tell, which was good news for the Thousand Sunny, which was stuck in it by the side. Indeed, immobilization aside, the ship seemed to be rather tranquil.

Or so it seemed, until the grass deck suddenly compressed, first in one spot, then another, both in the shape of footprints but with nobody visible. And at the very next moment, every last one of the ship's timbers trembled and groaned, as though the Sunny itself was growling with fury.

The grassy imprints suddenly halted in place, shuffling about a bit like a person looking around before resuming their path across the lawn.

The footprints _started_ to stride towards the doors to the Sunny's sleeping quarters, then, abruptly, halted in place and slowly turned around in a direction facing the Sunny's deckhouse.

The deckhouse whose top was currently emitting a large amount of steam, mind you.

The imprints started moving across the grass again, this times towards the Sunny's aft and this time twice as fast as before. The imprints halted once they reached the steps of the stairs to the upper deck, and were replaced by every other step groaning loudly due to some unseen pressure ascending them two at a time.

When the sourceless footprints stilled, they were directly before the door to what could only be the ship's bathhouse. Then, slowly, the door inside creaked open, and a quiet snort rang out, as though some predatory beast were tasting at the air.

The sight that the slightly opened door revealed was decidedly _not_ a bathhouse. Books lined the shelves, a large desk topped with a map 80% drawn near the window on the other side, and watertight cases protected all sheets of paper in the room so that nary a speck of moisture could touch their fragile contents. Of course, the ladder on the right side of the room made it clear that the bathhouse was very close by.

There was just the slight issue of the giant, armor-clad duck sitting at the bottom of the ladder. 'Slight' being, for once, an appropriate adjective given the quiet snores coming from his mostly motionless body.

There was a brief moment of contemplative silence before the duck was half-shoved, half-nudged aside, and the soft sound of boots and hands on a ladder sounded out a moment later. The boards composing the room's walls seemed to snarl as they creaked and groaned, following the ladder's own creaking as it rose toward the ceiling.

Finally, the creaking stopped and the hatch at the top of the ladder was inched open, the gap between it and the door slowly widening before creaking shut just as slowly. The room the trapdoor opened into was filled to brim with steam, and the vapors slowly but surely coiled around a space in the air that was shaped _like_ a human, but was most distinctly anything _but._

The humanoid creature's muzzle turned back and forth as it contemplated its shrouded surroundings, its head lingering as it saw a doorway into a much wider room. It subtly glided over to it, and a pair of large heart-shaped protrusions came out from its eyes and its tongue lolled from its maw as it gazed inside, beholding what lay within.

Or at least, somewhat beholding it, due to the fact that the steam was hiding any exact details from him…

"Mmm… that feels _so_ good…"

But really, the silhouette of a woman with long hair getting her back rubbed by a woman with shorter hair (and they _were_ women, men didn't have hips like that) didn't _need_ that many extra details.

"But of course it does…" the short-haired woman crooned as she rested her chin on her counterpart's shoulder. "After all, you have all this stress pent up inside, it's not good for you~"

"Well, then… think you can help me…" the long-haired figure's head slowly turned to the side. " _Relieve_ some of this tension?"

"Certainly~"

The nonexistent figure's breathing accelerated, his heart jackhammering in his chest. This… This was just too good to be even _remotely_ true. It was only that eentsy-weentsy _hint_ of sneaking suspicion that held the figure back, his long-honed senses staying his base insti—!

Suddenly, something fell from the long-haired woman's grasp.

"Whoops, I dropped the soap. Pardon me~"

Something in the figure's brain snapped like a dry twig. Prudence could go screw itself, no way in hell was he passing up as golden an opportunity as this!

And so, with barely enough restraint to keep himself from roaring, the figure all but pounced into the fog, arms spread wide as he flew at the women with his arms spread wide—

_CRACK!_ "GAH!"

—aaand rammed face first into the far wall of the bathroom.

Absalom hacked and snorted as he clawed his way to his feet, leaning on the wall as he massaged his throbbing snout. "W-What the—?!" he started to wheeze in confusion.

"I believe that the appropriate phrase for this situation," came a serene but smug voice from the doorway. "Would be 'reaping what you have sown'."

Absalom spun around, and saw the two women he had _thought_ were bathing, fully clothed and smirking, plus a child he'd never seen before poking out of a panel in the floor he hadn't noticed, standing in the doorway of the bath waving at him. Before he could react, they slammed shut the (Absalom's eyes widened as he realized he'd missed it in the steam) metal bulkhead of a door, which then proceeded to seal with a _very_ loud clunk.

The porthole in the bulkhead was then filled with the white-haired child's viciously smirking face. "In case you didn't quite pick up on what's going on?" she taunted through the door. She then rammed her fist against the door…

_SKRANG!_

Which first caused a pair of _very_ thick steel shutters to slam shut over the once-open windows…

_SPLOOSH!_

And second—and far more distressingly to Absalom—caused just about _every_ water fixture in the room to blow its top and start spraying out water by the gallon-full.

Water that with no place left to go, started to _very_ rapidly fill the suddenly too-small room.

Going Merry bared her teeth as Absalom swept his panicked gaze over the room.

"Hold your fucking breath, _pervert."_

**~o~**

"Nami, Vivi, Carue, Merry," I started slowly, looking at them all in turn. "You'll be the ones dealing with this monster." I hastily raised my hands when they all recoiled in shock. "If you want out, I completely understand and I'll just have the Monsters ambush him, I just want to try and go for the most… subtle and painless method available to us is all."

The crew exchanged uncomfortable glances, and Sanji started to stalk towards me, fuming like a chimney. Nami, though, halted him with a hand on his chest even as she continued to coolly regard me.

"…Considering what I just asked for, we'll hear your plan out before we decide anything, Cross," Nami stated, though the edge lurking in her voice was unmistakable.

I tugged at my collar on account of the Weather Witch's Eisen-aura darkening to a subtle gray around her, but continued. "OK, so basically, my plan hinges around exploiting the two flaws Absalom has, and only Nami and Vivi can successfully use the first flaw to maximum effectiveness. And as for how they'll be doing it…"

I trailed off uncomfortably as I considered what I was about to say before swallowing heavily. "Alright, look. There's no right way to say this delicately, so I'll have to be blunt, but I _swear_ to the both of you, in no way, shape or form will you be in actual, physical danger for even a moment. Got it?"

Our negotiator and navigator exchanged uneasy looks before nodding as one.

I sucked in a stilling breath… and then I whooshed out the only word applicable. "Bait."

I all but panicked at the looks of betrayal that flashed across their faces, and I hastily scrambled to specify. "Or at least! The _general forms of your bodies_ will be the bait, while your _actual, corporeal forms_ will be well away from Absalom!"

Vivi's heartbroken look broke in favor of confusion, but Nami slapped her hand to her face. " _Mirage!_ You could have just opened with mirage! Damn it, you _asshole,_ you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

I grimaced and nodded in acceptance even as my crewmates all relaxed from the tension that had beset us. "Yeah, you're right, sorry. I was just… _really_ focused on the b-word. But yes, you'll be using a mirage to trick Absalom. And Vivi," I nodded at the princess, "You'll be involved for the dual reasons of your Sovereign's Will probably being of some use in controlling him if anything goes wrong and… well…" I shook my head with a sigh. "Absalom has a hard enough time controlling himself around one woman at a time. So I figure two women at once in a… _compromising_ situation—!"

"His caution goes straight out the window and he'll charge headfirst into whatever trap we lay out for him, blah blah blah, I get the picture," Vivi finished for me, grimacing. "Don't worry, Cross, I did way worse while I was Miss Wednesday. So long as I stay fully clothed around that monster, I'll do what I need to see him get his comeuppance."

"So, uh… what's my part in this?" Merry asked as she raised her hand with a not unfearful look. "Am… I-I'm not going to be in—?"

"I neither know nor _want_ to know if Absalom is willing to or has ever sunk to those levels of inhumanity, so _no,_ preceded by a _hell fucking,"_ I growled, before allowing myself to smirk at her. "But I do have a couple of questions for you, Merry. Concerning good ol' Sunny, actually."

Merry's face morphed into a mask of confusion. "Uh… yeah, sure? Fire away."

"Well, first off…" I pointed up at our deckhouse, whose library I'd spent ample time in. "The bathroom. I'm assuming it's all caulked up to the nines?"

Merry started to reply and froze when a pair of bodiless hands clamped onto her shoulders, shuddering around her spine.

"For her sake?" Robin smiled in a too-serene manner as the fog around her seemed to darken malevolently. "It had better be."

Merry's rictus smile twitched as she tried to force herself to stay still. "Sealed up tighter than Akainu's molten ass, my mast to God! So, ah… please don't kill me?"

The darkness around Robin evaporated as swiftly as her hands. "For now."

I shook my head at our archaeologist's… _somewhat_ teasing tone before continuing. "Anyway… next, question, how long would it take for you to replace the bathroom's door with a metal bulkhead that, oh, I dunno… even Luffy would have trouble punching through?"

I grinned as I saw the beginnings of a spark form in Merry's eyes. "Not… that long…"

"And I'm once again assuming that you could install a few armored covers over the windows—!"

"And then rig the pump to go into overdrive when I say so and flood the place, turning the entire room into a watery-grave fit to drown Franken-pervert! BRILLIANT!" Merry cackled in realization, jumping and clapping her hands gleefully at the prospect. "You're an absolute _genius_ , Cross! I'll go get the preparations started right away!" And with that, she popped a trapdoor in the deck and dropped into it, laughing all the way.

I nodded contentedly as I turned back to Nami and Vivi. "You two'll project a mirage of yourselves in a… 'compromising' position into the bathroom once it's been filled to the rafters with steam, and once Absalom leaps in, you'll _lock_ him in and take advantage of his second fatal flaw. The one thing that he can't possibly fight."

"His own powers…" Vivi breathed in realization.

"Hell, that'd even take care of a _normal_ person…" Nami muttered into her knuckle before slowly nodding. "This is a _really_ good plan, Cross!"

"No need to sound so surprised," I grumbled, turning to Carue. "And just for the record, you can contribute by pretending to sleep at the foot of the ladder, help sell that we're lax and off our guard. I know it's not much, but… well, given the situation, it's not like you'll be anywhere else but a room away from Vivi, right?"

"Damn stwaight!" Carue confirmed.

"Perfect!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Alright, I realize this might be hypocritical given what I said earlier, but still, it's worth saying: So long as we follow this plan and line things up right, with any luck we'll be able to remove Absalom of the Graveyard from play without any real trouble."

**~o~**

"I am _so_ glad that this thing is holding up," Nami sighed in relief, staring through the porthole at the ferocious lion-faced man who was pounding at the steel door, even as the room continued filling with water.

The source of her boundless relief stemmed from the fact that despite _knowing_ that the door was composed of several inches of strong steel, Absalom was still managing to put dents in the only barrier between him and his escape.

"Agreed," Vivi swallowed, rubbing at her neck fearfully and flinching as yet another dent was slammed into the metal. "He's… _enraged._ If he gets out, it won't matter if we're female or not, he'll rip us to pieces."

"Well he'ww haf ta get thwough me first!" Carue declared, before recoiling as another punch bent another spot in the door. "Though I _weawwy_ hope it doeshn't come ta that…"

"And it _won't,_ don't worry," Merry assured him, utterly relaxed. "I dug into some of the Wootz steel Franky splurged on to reinforce that door. Even Luffy would take at least five minutes to break through, and this guy doesn't even have two; if my calculations are correct—and considering how they involve Big Bro Sunny, they _are—_ then the water will be reaching his knees in five, four, three, two…"

The ferocity in Absalom's face suddenly faltered and he grimaced in discomfort, slumping forward to lean against the door. For a few seconds, he looked like he was beaten.

Then he raised his head, murder in his eyes, and he started pounding anew. The dents he caused were significantly shallower than they were before, but they were _definitely_ still there.

Merry's mask of confidence crumbled. "That's… _unexpected…"_

"Merryyy…" Nami grit out, bringing her Eisen Tempo to bear.

"Uh, uh, uh…" Merry hastily counted her fingers a few times as she muttered to herself before snapping her head up. "Reaching his waist… _now!"_

Absalom flinched again, his muzzle scrunching up in a sign of clear disgust, and he looked to be barely conscious. But _still_ the pounding kept going, in spite of the fact that there was no clear progress in harming the door anymore.

" _Meeeeerryyyyy."_ Vivi's knuckles turned white as she strangled her Lion Cutter's hilts.

"Oh, _screw_ this asshole!" Merry snarled, hastily knocking a panel on the wall open and wrenching the pipes inside around. "I was going to _try_ and keep the pump in one piece, but it looks like we'll be rebuilding it from scratch! Flooding the place _now!"_

Absalom's eyes widened in panic as a groaning-shuddering sound rocked the bathroom, but before he could react the porthole was obscured by a flood of white foam. When the bubbles cleared, Absalom's drowsy face floated in the water for a moment before a slew of bubbles spurted from his mouth and he sank down and out of sight.

The quartet allowed themselves to sag in relief, the tension draining out of them.

"Thank _God…"_ Nami groaned, wiping the cold sweat from her brow while her clouds fanned her. "Cross wasn't kidding, that bastard was a monster inside _and_ out!"

"Yeah…" Vivi mused, fingering her necklace as she peered into the porthole. "You know… honestly, looking at this? I wonder if it would even be worth it to have Devil Fruit powers. I mean, all of that power, even as a Logia… but then it becomes totally useless as soon as you fall in water. Isn't that… a bit useless?"

"Say dat again wid a stwaight face da next time you see Wuffy, Wobin and Choppah kick majah ass," Carue snickered into his wing.

Vivi considered that before nodding her head. "Yeah, and Crocodile certainly never suffered from that particular weakness much, either. Point taken."

"Well, trust me on this, weaknesses or not?" Merry snickered as she slowly counted down on her fingers. "I, for one, fully appreciate selling my soul to that little shit-tasting devil. Aaaanyway…" She started fiddling with the pipes again. "The room should be full up by now. I'm gonna shut the water down so that the whole place doesn't burst, and then we can let that patchwork punk stew until he's niiiice and dead to the world. Then I'll just drain the place and we can dip into the stash of sea prism cuffs and collars that Enies Lobby and the Accinos so _graciously_ donated to our worthy cause, and—!"

_BOOM!_

The quartet froze when the whole of the deckhouse suddenly shook and, far more distressingly, the already-abused bulkhead suddenly bulged as though _Sanji_ had taken his heel to it.

"What the hell was that?" Nami whispered numbly.

"Cannonfire…" Vivi breathed back, her pupils having shrunk to pinpricks. "That was cannonfire… _h-he's still moving!?"_

Merry shook her head in frantic denial. "E-Even if he is, I took those bazookas Cross talked about into account! The door is strong enough to take anything he could physically carry!"

_BOOM!_

Nami's gut dropped as there was another explosion, and the door bulged even _further._ "Did you take into account that his musculature is reinforced…" she whispered numbly. "And he can carry firepower that would blow a normal person's arms off?"

Merry paled. "Uh…"

"Owah that he'd onwy hafta knock da dowah halfway off its hinges befowah it'd have to deaw wid da _watah pwessure?"_ Carue whimpered.

Silence reigned as the ship-girl slowly stumbled backwards fearfully. "No… No, I didn't…" she whispered in terror.

In the heart-pounding silence that followed, the click of metal on metal was like a gunshot.

" _RU—!"_ Nami started to scream, shoving as many of her clouds forwards as she could.

Sadly, as swift as her iron clouds were…

_**BOOOOM!** _

The blast that blew the bulkhead off its hinges and the flood of water that followed were far, _far_ faster. As such, none of the four were ready when the water and the blast struck them, _smashing_ them clean through the opposite window of the deckhouse and launching them out onto the lawn of the deck.

Thankfully, the deck was covered in grass rather than wood, and Nami's subconscious managed to bend the clouds enough to provide something of a cushion. As such, they weren't hurt from the fall or landing. They were, however, left sputtering from the sudden assault of water on their senses. They had just managed to get their breath and balance back when a most unwelcome thing interrupted them.

"Clever little sneaks."

They looked up to see a very wet, very livid patchwork-man standing on the railing above them. His jaw was that of a lion, his wild golden hair only reinforcing that image, and the left and right thirds of his torso and his arms from the wrists up were covered in different colors of flesh very obviously stitched on, with a pair of bazookas strapped to his forearms. Most unnerving of all? Though his eyes promised murder, his mouth was curled into a smile.

"I thought I felt something off at first…" Absalom of the Graveyard grumbled, his hackles pulled back in a vicious scowl. "Why am I even surprised that someone like Jeremiah Cross knew about me ahead of time? You should be pleased with yourselves, that's the closest that anyone's ever come to beating me since I joined Moria." He clicked his very sharp teeth together. "But the simple fact is that I'm way out of your league now that you've lost the element of surprise. I'm going to take my sweet time with you three, and when I'm done—"

" **Quiet."**

Absalom faltered, his tongue catching in his mouth as Vivi glared up at him. Then she smiled sweetly, taking on a rather alluring pose. "Mister Absalom, why don't you just **calm down and hold still?"**

A choked noise tore its way out of Absalom's throat, the rage evident in his tone paradoxical to the way his body slumped forwards, the energy draining from his stance.

"Good, good," Vivi nodded in a faux-endearing manner, a frigid smile on her face. "Now, just for the record… you said the 'three' of us, but that's not quite correct. For you see… there _aren't_ three of us here."

"HEADS AHP!"

Absalom's eyes darted to the side, just in time—

"SUBSAHNIC!"

For him to catch a faceful of armored talon moving almost faster than he could tell what hit him.

"KICK!" Carue quacked furiously as he practically _leapt_ off of Absalom's face, transferring the entirety of his velocity to his target and bouncing him off the Sunny's railing before he fell out of sight.

Nami and Vivi both heaved relieved bursts of laughter, slapping their hands in a victorious high-five.

"Uh… guys?"

And then Merry's quivering voice cut through the mood.

"Merry…" Vivi whispered fearfully. "Please tell me you're not about to point out some minor but highly incriminating detail that means we're not done yet, _please."_

Merry shook her head regretfully, her eyes filled with terror. "Wish, I could, but… Carue kicked him overboard, right?"

Nami nodded slowly. "Yeeeaaah… why?"

"Well, then… where's the splash?"

Nami and Vivi both froze as they stared at the ship-girl. " _What,"_ they whispered in synch.

"Where's the splash?" she repeated. "If we were done, then wouldn't there be an ocean-shattering splash?"

"Uh…" the older women exchanged uncertain glances…

"So… you want a splash, you little brat?"

Before they all stiffened as a by-now _far_ too familiar voice growled out, accompanied by a hand clamping onto the edge of the railing.

"I'LL GIVE YOU A SPLASH!" bellowed the positively _deranged_ Absalom, forcefully shoving his torso back into view as he clawed his way back onto the Sunny—

_**BOOM!**_ "WA-A-A-ACK…"

And then firing one of his bazookas at Carue, causing the unfortunate flash-cooked waterfowl to keel over, out cold and smoking, and leaving the three women alone with the madman. Said madman then turned his guns on them. "WHO'S NEXT?!"

But in contrast to the fear that he had been eagerly and viciously expecting, they had prepared themselves to fight before he'd even finished with Carue. Nami had surrounded herself in clouds, Vivi had started spinning her Lion Cutter, and Merry had hitched a rope ride straight to the helm.

As such, Absalom paused near the railing, scanning over his targets: Nami, wrapped up in her Iron Cloud; Merry, halfway across the ship; and Vivi, in striking range and protected by much more flimsy weapons.

"You," Absalom decided, pointing a clawed digit at Vivi. "You're next."

Before the former princess could in any way deny that, Absalom vanished from sight. Vivi pivoted in place, her eyes wide and shooting to every rustle of grass.

' _I can't see him!'_ she mentally wailed. ' _How am I supposed to fight him i—right, I'm an idiot.'_

" **Stop and show yourself!"** she barked, and was rewarded by Absalom faceplanting a few feet behind her. A low thudding whip sound drew her attention to the lines, right as a whole _mess_ of rope and pulleys fell on top of the Franken-bastard.

"Gotcha!" Merry crowed as she yanked the lines up, Absalom tangled up in as many hooks and snares as she could manage. "Not so tough when you're hanging up in the air, are ya?!"

Absalom's answer was to shoot a snarl and a glare at the helm before jerking his arm, which brought about the _click!_ - **BOOM!** of the bazooka firing, followed milliseconds later by Vivi just barely ducking under the suddenly visible cannonball.

_BOOM!_

"AAAAH!"

A cannonball that, unfortunately, landed immediately behind Vivi before exploding, the blast and shrapnel knocking her off her feet and peppering her with metal shards.

"Ooooww…" Vivi groaned into the dirt, her world still a blur of blaze and _pain._

"Vivi!" Nami and Merry howled as she went down, the navigator swinging out her Clima-Tact so that two chunks of black, crackling Eisen Cloud were flanking the strung-up Absalom. "Nimbus Tempo!"

Lightning tore through the struggling chimaera suspended between the two clouds, loosing a bevy of both electrical crackles and a symphony of sizzling meat. The rope, due to the considerable heat drawn from the metal hooks, gave up the ghost about a minute in, dumping their charbroiled assailant on the grass with another loud thump. The sight of a torrent of smoke curling up from his form was a veritable _font_ of hope for the women.

"D-Did we get him?" Merry wondered as she peeked over the railing of the foredeck.

Seemingly in response, the exact source of the smoke became indistinct as Absalom's body faded from sight.

"Gonna take that as a no," Vivi grunted as she hauled herself to her feet, wincing as she picked out slivers of metal from her arms. "In my experience, Paramecia powers that rely on conscious activation don't persist after their user's lost consciousness in a violent manner."

"So… still kicking, got it," Nami said, spinning up her Clima-Tact again. "Let's fix that."

Eisen Cloud flowed out from Nami's defensive shell, wrapping around their still-smoking opponent, quickly flowing into a cross-hatched shell that immediately began turning black.

"Tempest Tempo."

Said crosshatches promptly came alive with lightning, jumping between the lattices to strike and charge every inch of space outlined by the shell. Once again, crackling lightning competed with sizzling on the target, and was also accompanied by a burning smell. Eventually, though, the lightning came to an end, and when Nami withdrew her clouds all that was left was a black form smoking on the circle of dead grass.

To everyone's surprise and—far more pressingly— _horror_ , that form was _not_ Absalom's body, but instead his bazookas and a pile of ash, bits of blue cloth still visible.

"How—!" Vivi began, but was cut off by an invisible fist slamming into the right side of her torso, reaching under her ribs. She immediately hunched over, groaning loudly in pain as she clutched at where her liver was.

Nami tried to respond to the sudden Absalom on her six, she really did, but with most of her Eisen Cloud still wrapped up where the Tempest Tempo had hit she was unable to stop an iron-hard grip from grasping her neck and slamming her into the mainmast.

"I crawled," Absalom growled as he faded back into view, somewhat scorched and now shirtless, but still fully functional. "Had to leave my bazookas behind so you wouldn't notice, and that's one _more_ thing I need to pay you bitches back for." Reaching up with his other hand, he brandished his claws. "I'd say it'd be a shame to mess up that pretty face… but I'd be lying."

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Wha—" Absalom began, before a pair of rainboots slammed into the side of his head and sent him careening into the pavilion's counter. Growling, he shook his head, looked up, and saw Merry let go of the rope she had swung down to land on his torso.

"MERRY… PUNCH!" the ship-girl announced, rearing back a fist and then _slamming_ it into his crotch, the impact shaking the Sunny from keel to crow's nest.

For a moment, there was silence… which a freaked Merry broke first.

"Uh, s-s-shouldn't you be screaming in pain right now?" she nervously asked.

Absalom's lips pulled back into a murderous leer. "You don't think that I chose to look like this for shits and giggles do you? I've been very thoroughly retrofitted. Among those improvements?"

He snapped his hand up to grab Merry's face, lifted her clean off the ground and then _slammed_ her into the lawn with as much force as he could manage.

"A mental switch," Absalom growled. "For my sense of _pain._ Looks like something you could really use right now, huh?"

Merry let out a hacking cough, blood spurting from a squashed nose, cut lips, and a nasty scrape on her forehead.

"MERRY!" Vivi and Nami screamed, lashing out at Absalom with clouds and blades respectively, which Absalom was quick to roll out of the way of. Nami hastily ran to cradle Merry, while Vivi interposed herself between them and Absalom, though she was swaying on her feet and barely managing to stay upright.

Still, the Princess tried to take a few swings at the abomination with her Cutters, but she could only growl in frustration as they were easily dodged.

Vivi concentrated for a bit before lashing out again. " **Hold sti—!"**

Before she could finish her command, however, Absalom grabbed the chain of her weapon and gave it a firm tug, nearly taking her off her feet.

"Improvement the second," Absalom snorted, ramming his palm into the side of his head before grabbing the chain with both hands and giving it an almighty _yank,_ dragging Vivi into melee range before she could react.

"Nononono, **stop stop** _ **STO—!"**_

_THWOCK!_

"HURK!" A mouthful of blood forced its way through Vivi's teeth as Absalom buried his fist in almost the same exact spot Sharinguru had not too long ago. Still, even through her renewed haze of pain, she was conscious enough to be aware as the beast-hybrid grabbed the back of her head and forced her to look into his face.

"Detachable eardrums," he growled menacingly. That done, he lashed his arm out and cast Vivi aside like a ragdoll, her uncontrolled tumble terminating when she bodily slammed into the railing, where she lay still with only shuddering breaths to show that she was still kicking.

Absalom turned to face the last of the pirates, who was nowhere to be seen.

"Guess what, asshole?"

Absalom spun around, just catching sight of Nami standing behind him.

_THUNK!_

" _GRK!"_

Before staggering back as she _rammed_ the orbless end of a section of her staff into _and through_ a juncture of stitches on his chest.

"You're not the only one who can turn invisible," Nami snarled. "Now, let's see if your insides are as tough as your outsides when dealing with a sudden burst of lightning."

"More specifically!"

Absalom snapped his head around to catch sight of Merry painfully leaning against the mast, giving him a bloody grin.

"The amount of voltage a Thunder Dial gives off when _shattered!"_ she leered, ramming her fist into the mast.

Before Absalom could react, a pulley swung down from the rigging and _cracked_ into the orb at the end of the rod sticking out of his chest.

"Ride the lightning, _asshole!"_ Merry cackled in triumph.

That was the last thing Absalom saw—

_**ZAP!**_ "YEEEAAARGH!"

Before his world devolved into light and _pain._

Merry and Nami both shielded their eyes, the lightning coursing through Absalom lighting up the deck from end to end. It only lasted a few seconds, but at the end of those seconds, the lion-faced man was exhaling smoke, his eyes white as snow and blood oozing out of the cavity in his chest. He keeled forward…

Then, to the women's horror, he ripped out the mangled remains of the Thunder Rod with one hand and rammed the other into his chest, hard enough that they heard a rib break and _felt_ the resultant thump echoing in their own chests. Absalom was swaying on his feet now, but full functionality was clearly fast approaching.

"You… are… _dead,_ " he growled breathlessly.

The pair stared at him in slack-jawed awe before Merry clapped her hands together.

"Welp," she stated flatly. "I'm done. Done done _done._ We did good, we kicked his ass, we even stopped his heart, but I for one feel like _shit._ How about you guys?"

"I am _very much_ regretting the series of decisions that led to this situation…" Vivi wheezed weakly as she stuck her finger in the air.

"Aye don't wike shmewwing dewicioush…" Carue concurred blearily.

"And I just broke my Thunder Dial, so I need to dig out one of my spares before I do any more serious fighting," Nami concluded, moving to slump against the side of the ship. "Guess you beat us, o King of Graveyards."

Despite all of the pain and anger that was coursing through every fiber of his being, Absalom's sheer confusion kept him from moving. This calm, even _graceful_ surrender had him looking between them for some evidence of a bluff, but none of them were moving or attempting to set up any tricks. They were even closing their eyes.

If only because of what happened several minutes earlier, the last time he let his emotions get the better of a twinge of unease, he elected not to charge in blindly. His mind scanned over the situation: the four in front of him meant what they were saying, their actions made that a safe assumption. But even if they knew they had lost, if the SBS was any indication, the Straw Hats still would have kept fighting until the last breath, so how could the fight be—

Absalom stiffened in realization, recalling the exact reason that he'd come onboard the ship in the first place: to scout out the rest of the crew, which Cross said was still waiting onboard. Which could only mean that his quarry had surrendered because—

_SLAM!_ "AAAGH!"

All at once, Absalom went flying backwards as a kick nailed him right in his snout, his much-abused body slamming against the wall of the ship as he completed his train of thought: _they had reinforcements waiting._

It took a moment for Absalom's vision to unfuzz, but once it did, his heart stopped again at the sight of the individual looming before him.

The tall, blond, _smoke-chuffing_ individual looming before him.

"You know, I had a whole bit lined up for this: the Bullshit Bistro, all-you-can-eat buffet, the whole nine yards. But after seeing this?" Sanji took a slow, long drag from his cigarette, and exhaled it just as slowly… right before searing the whiskers from Absalom's muzzle by bursting into flames. " **I'm just going to kick your ass inside-out and be done with you."**

**~o~**

"Hang on a second. I have a question, too."

All eyes turned to Sanji, who was still positively fuming, though apparently not explicitly at me. "Why am I _not_ part of Team 2, Cross?" he tersely demanded.

I raised my hands placatingly at the sharp looks everyone pegged me with. "Because, to reiterate, Absalom, for all that he's a monster and has little to no leash on his… I'll be unduly polite and say 'libido', he's still _smart._ If he sees one of our Monster Trio still onboard, there isn't enough tail in the world to make him stick around longer than he has to. And the entire point of this risk we're undertaking—GAH!"

"' _WE'!?"_ Nami snarled murderously, a veritable typhoon roiling around her as she tried to take my ear off, with Vivi tapping her Cutter in her palm right behind her.

"Owowowow, _yes,_ 'we'!" I yelped in outraged agony. "For Roger's sake, if anything happens to you on the plan that _I_ concocted, how the hell much do you think _my_ life will be worth!?"

Nami's storm deflated with a sound akin to a balloon and Vivi's Lion Cutter vanished behind her back as the two exchanged uncertain looks before Nami released my ear with a sheepish grin. "Aheh… stress from the oncoming ordeal?"

I pinned the both of them with a glare and a growl as I massaged my aching ear. "In full cognizance of the demon on my shoulder, I bid the both of you to kindly _bite me."_

"YOU KNOW YOU'VE _screwed up when even_ **I** _**give him a pass**_ **on using that!"** Soundbite snorted.

I maintained my glare on the penitent women for a minute or two longer before continuing. " _As I was saying_ … the point of all this is to make sure that once Absalom comes onboard the Sunny, he doesn't get back onto Thriller Bark before it falls. And for that, we need to make sure that there isn't a single loose thread for him to unravel."

Sanji snorted darkly, and shot me a harsh look. "Answer me this, Cross: am I _vital_ anywhere else in your plan? Truly irreplaceable?"

"Well—! …ah…" I started to answer before reconsidering. Well, when he put it _that_ way…

"Because if that's not the case, Cross," Sanji forged on. "Then I'm not setting a foot off this ship. Because unless you can give me a _damn_ good reason, I'm not willing to take the risk that that monster could turn things against even _one_ more woman in the world."

"Uh…" I glanced away uncertainly as I scratched behind my ear.

"Sanji."

The both of us snapped our attention to Vivi with equal incredulity, as much due to her calm authority as the fact that she'd spoken up at all.

"I know you're angry," Vivi assured him in a tone of barely restrained calm. "But I believe it's safe to say that _we—"_ She gestured at the fuming females of the crew. "Are _far_ angrier. If the bath trap does somehow fail, I doubt he'll be able to handle all of our collective skill sets at once."

"With all due respect, dear Vivi? You just said 'doubt'," Sanji growled. "And that means that there's still a chance that he could actually seriously hurt you all _or worse."_ Before Vivi could respond, Sanji swept his arms out and addressed the crew. "Can I have a show of hands for anyone on this ship who's willing to take the risk of our friends being left to the mercies of someone like _that_ with _no_ backup plan?"

"…I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the cook, Cross," Zoro admitted after a tense moment. "When you look at our track record, our traps work maybe half the time. And if things land on the 'don't', no offense, but I don't know if I'd bet on these four to win against what you just described. They'd have a good chance, sure," he added nonchalantly in response to a few glares. "But speaking as someone who's actually fought a Warlord's top subordinate before, he has a good chance, too. And I'm not willing to take the risk of letting someone like _that_ loose against our crew."

I… honestly couldn't find it in myself to argue against that. Sooo I didn't. "Alright," I conceded with a slow nod. "But… even so, that doesn't change the fact that you _need_ to stay out of sight. Hell, more than out of sight, out of scent due to his enhancements. One whiff of you and Absalom will pull a runner, and then we'll _all_ be in trouble. You'll need somewhere to _hide…_ "

Sanji's dour mood finally broke in favor of a victorious smirk. "Already got that handled." He then jabbed his thumb off the side. "I'm sure Thriller Bark has derelicts drift in all the time, right?"

I followed the digit to the battered wreck of the Rumbar Pirates' old ship. With its higher sides, it would definitely allow good sight lines from its decks while also concealing Sanji from view. And considering how the old thing reeked to high heaven of mildew, salt and, well, _death_ in general…

I slowly nodded in agreement. "Yeah… Yeah, that oughta do the trick. Alright, you've sold me: go ahead and act as backup if you want, but I hope you'll forgive me for hoping that it doesn't actually come to that."

"Considering how it's our necks on the line?" Nami concurred dryly. "I will second that sentiment with gusto."

"Well, you'll just have to deal with your Prince Charming being an overbearing protector either way," Sanji nodded. "For now, seeing as I doubt you'll need me for much else…"

I felt a chill run down my spine as Sanji smiled with a sadistic glee that should only have ever been directed at a certain giga-giant.

"I'm going to step away for a bit so that I can…" He hissed in a short breath before snarling out the next word. " _Practice._ Nothing but the _finest_ for our customers here at the Crap Café, you understand."

"Aheheh…" I chuckled uneasily as I leaned back from the semi-demented chef.

" _ **First step**_ **of any practice?"** Soundbite deadpanned in a nonplussed tone. "NEW MATERIAL. _That bit's gotten mouldy."_

"Ah…" The menace siphoned out of Sanji as he considered that. "…yeah, fair enough. Anyway, carry on without me." And with that, he turned around and stalked off.

I watched him leap up onto the old derelict before refocusing on the rest of the crew. "Alright, now that that's handled, let's move on to Team 3."

Much later, once we were done with the accursed island that was our next adventure, I would kick myself for not noticing how… _wavy_ Nami had gotten as I said that.

**-o-**

"Sanji."

The chef spun around suddenly as a stern-looking navigator looked at him, her clouds gray. "Yes, Nami dear? Do you need me back on the Sunny?"

"Not unless you haven't finished the lunchboxes yet," Nami said, shaking her head. "I want you to make me a promise."

"Anything for you, sweet Nami!" the chef sang exuberantly.

"Let us fight."

The chef froze, and Nami moved so that she was directly in front of him, darkening clouds and all, before he could say anything. "You heard what Cross said: if he sees you too soon, he'll run away and spill everything to the rest of Thriller Bark, and that'll spell pandemonium for the rest of us. And knowing you, you'd jump in as soon as he managed to land one hit on us. Which is why I'm here, not just for me, but with Vivi and Merry's support too."

She looked him dead in the eye as she jabbed him in the chest. "Promise us, Sanji: no matter how much we get hurt, no matter what Absalom does to us, _do not_ intervene unless we acknowledge that he's beaten us, that we _need_ your help. Even if he wasn't the worst kind of pervert, we've been training specifically so that we won't _need_ to rely on the stronger members of the crew to be able to survive every opponent we meet, and this is our chance to find out whether it's been enough. Promise us that you'll let us have that chance."

The chef visibly warred with himself, and it took a full minute before he bowed his head with a weak sigh.

"…You have my word, Nami-swan."

The navigator nodded before returning to the ship. She didn't look back, and so she couldn't see as Sanji's expression contorted into a downright _ferocious_ expression.

' _Make that another thing to roast that patchwork bastard alive for: putting me in a situation where I might have to endure them screaming.'_ He sucked in as deep a drag as he dared from his cancer stick before letting the nicotine-laced fumes roil in his lungs. ' _At least there's an upside… when I finally get my feet on this bastard, it's going to be all the more_ satisfying.'

**~o~**

For the first time in years, Absalom was truly terrified that he was going to die. He had taken enough damage already that the flaming _demon_ before him made him think that the Grim Reaper itself had come for him. Then, like so many other brainless bastards before him, all he knew was pain.

Sanji's kicks flew without mercy, without hesitation, and shrouded in golden flames, his mind running through images as fast as he kicked. It didn't even take a minute before he reared his leg back for the final blow, his mind's eye coming to focus on a single distinct image:

A mask carved out of iron.

" **HELL MEMORIES!"**

_KRACK- **BOOM!**_

_Literally_ white flames streaked behind the ship's intruder as he flew away and crashed far away from the Thousand Sunny. And with that, the hot, hot flames diminished, leaving the huffing but triumphant Sanji dusting off his hands.

"…Impressive," Merry said dumbly, staring through a telescope at the new flaming cavity in the mouth-shaped gate of Thriller Bark, in which Absalom was very deeply embedded and even _more_ clearly unconscious.

"Is… _that_ what you were practicing?" Vivi asked.

Sanji turned to her, for once not flying into love mode, his expression bleak. "…When I was a kid, I found an encyclopedia on the different identified Devil Fruits in the world. It seemed farfetched, and most of the powers I saw didn't seem worth the curse anyway… except for one. The Clear-Clear Fruit spoke to my very soul. And I made the decision that if I ever found it, I would embrace the curse. To let my anger burn as hot as I wanted to, all I had to do was focus on how much I could have done if I ever had the power of that fruit."

He looked back in the direction of the gate, and his next words were spoken softly.

"The power to disappear…"

What would have happened next might have been a solemn silence, in which the three of them wondered what Sanji could have meant, had Carue not narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"You just wanted tah be able tah peep just wike he could, didn't ya?"

And just like that, the atmosphere changed, Sanji stiffening as the three females _looked_ at him. He smiled sheepishly. "N-No, no, I had other ideas. There was so much good that I could—NUDE GIR—!"

_THWACK! **THUD!**_

"I swear, he's completely hopeless," Nami groused, shaking her head and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead as she and the rest of the women present stood over Sanji's insensate form.

"Incorrigible, utterly incorrigible." Vivi lowered her head and shook it with a sigh, her fists planted on her hips.

Merry, meanwhile, grinned from ear-to-ear as she shrugged in a 'what can you do' manner. "Buuut it's not like we'd have any of them any other way, riiight?"

The navigator and princess's dual silences and smiles were more telling than any verbal response they could have given. Nami then turned her smile towards the form of the cook, whose head was steaming but lacking a bump. "Still… Sanji, you saved us. We were… in over our heads—"

"Nami," Vivi interrupted. "This whole affair was an absolute, unmitigated _disaster._ And to make matters worse, this time we can't even think of blaming it on Cross. This was all on _our_ heads."

"… _right…"_ Nami eventually conceded with a wince. "This was… a disaster… that was our faults…" She then readopted a light smile. "And… you were smart enough to have our backs and be there to pull our asses out of the fire. And that… was not something I would have had a year ago and I… I really appreciate it. So… thank you. A lot."

"UOOOH, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji roared energetically, poised on the Sunny's railing as he was wreathed in a whole new kind of fire.

"Wight, then," Carue squawked, wincing as the mere act of speaking aggravated his burns. "If dat's evewything, I move dat we waid Choppah's woom and stawt tweating ouw injuwies befoah phase thwee stawts."

"Seconded," Merry nodded, limping towards the room. "Sanji, give me a hand; I may have Chopper's skillset, but I'm fighting to stay _conscious_. You'll have to put on the bandages."

"Of course, Merry," Sanji nodded, moving to hold the door open as the four of them filed in.

"So, kind of off topic, but… given Cross' luck, who wants to bet that whatever he's doing is blowing up in his face just as much as this blew up in ours?" Vivi mused.

**-o-**

"And so the guy slaps the soldier clear across his face," I managed to get out through my laughter. "Puts his foot on the table, and proclaims for the whole bar to hear!" I leap to my feet and sweep my arms out in imitation. "'I, sir, am a _Puritan!'"_

"FOOOSFOSFOSFOS!" Hogback howled with laughter as he pounded the table, his clearly squashed lungs wheezing desperately. "P-Puritan! A-And after the donkey—! A-And the chandelier and the—! FOSFOSFOSFOS! T-That's a good one! Truly hilarious!"

I snickered as I came down from the high that a successful joke provided. Well, if Hogback wasn't genuinely laughing, then he was putting on a very good act. Buuut going by the slight rosiness in his cheeks (what little I could see under all that grease, anyway), it was not only genuine, but booze-enforced. Which served to assure me that our ruse was going _perfectly_.

Currently, we were all sitting comfortably in the dining room, all of us, two enemy sides content in their masquerade of friendliness for the sake of defeating the other when the time was right. Of course, the balance was rather firmly in our favor considering that they didn't know that we knew about their trap, or that we had one of our own.

…oooh, good lordy, I only just realized that we'd gotten ourselves into _this_ kind of situation. Eesh. Well, on the bright side, at least the rabbit-hole didn't go down _too_ deep.

Aaanyways, getting back on topic… while I was wining and dining Hogback to the best of my abilities (which I'm guessing were pretty good, seeing as he hadn't tried to leave yet and Cindry hadn't commented on how he'd drunk two bottles while my glass was untouched) the rest of my friends were occupied with their own affairs.

Currently, Soundbite had retreated into his shell so as to try and pierce the veil of the fog, Usopp and Lassoo were whiling away the time flicking napkin-footballs across the table at one another (picture perfect field goals every time, of course), Robin was laid out on a plush red velvet fainting couch with her arm draped over her face, claiming she needed a quick nap to recuperate from the island's _teeeerrible_ airs, and Conis and Su were wandering around the border of the room separately, taking in the _impressive_ pieces of art that adorned the room, from paintings to statues to suits of armor to gargoyles. Of course, Cindry _had_ started to get on their case's about insisting on poking every little thing and leaping on every piece of furniture respectively, but she'd dropped it after Conis had stated that Skypieans had a more tactile appreciation for art and Su had said she needed the exercise.

These reasons were all, of course, steaming piles of _Sea King shite._

In reality, Soundbite and Robin were cooperating in order to properly map out every last inch of the dining room, acquiring its layout, secret passages, and tagging any zombies that could be hiding themselves in plain sight. Conis was aiding in that endeavor via her prodding, giving away the zombie's locations by prodding them and causing them to twitch—which was a good thing, too, because as evidenced by the aforementioned various art, compared to the literal half dozen from canon, we were in the middle of a potential ambush. Su was merely waiting for Soundbite and Robin to give her her objective's location, and Usopp and Lassoo… well, actually, they really _were_ whiling away the time, but mark my words, their game of finger football was _vital_ to our success!

Now it was all just a question of—

" _ **Foxhole acquired,"**_ Soundbite hissed in my ear.

—check that, looks like go-time was now-time.

" _Do it,"_ I hissed right back, though it wasn't Soundbite I was aiming it at.

_Completely_ by coincidence, Conis chose that moment to sidle up next to a suit of armor, leaning in close to examine it before recoiling with an exaggerated gasp. "Oh, _dear!_ It looks like your suit of armor has a dent in it! Oh, but don't worry, it's outwards! I'm fairly certain I can fix it."

"Please don't," Cindry deadpanned, with what I _swear_ was a hint of long-suffering to her voice.

"No no, really." Conis adopted an _ever_ so slightly too-innocent smile as she drew her fist back. "I _insist."_

And with that, her fist snapped forwards—

_SKRANG!_

—and the armor's chestpiece went _flying_ , the arms and helmet hanging in place for a moment before smashing to the ground. _That_ was intentional. The chestpiece smashing into and bowling over the next suit over, however? _That_ was nothing short of gravy.

"Oops!" Conis gasped dramatically behind her hand, which she was using to hide her wide smile. "Sorry! Don't know my own strength sometimes!"

"I asked you not to." Yeah, now I _really_ wasn't imagining the exasperation in Cindry's voice.

"I thought she was out of the clumsy stage by now," Usopp groaned with all the composure of a master liar.

"Poor fool! She's a woman! They _never_ leave that stage! Fosfosfosfos!" Hogback wheezed, his blood-alcohol levels likely the reason behind his swaying.

"Very good, sir," Cindry droned before turning to leave the room. "Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to fetch a dustpan."

"Oh no, need to bother yourself, allow me," Robin sighed from her prone position, several arms blossoming on the armor pieces and starting to reassemble them.

"Oh, very nice. You're quite handy to have around."

Everyone paused to stare at Hogback, who was already thunking his forehead against the table. "Damn you, Absalom, you've infected me with your transparent sense of humor…" he grumbled. He then sat up with a groan, kneading his forehead. "Agh, and I'm already starting to get a hangover. We really should see about retiring…"

"Nonsense, sleep is for the weak!" I laughed exuberantly as I hastily refilled his glass. "Here, this'll kill your pain for you! And while you're drinking, I'll tell you all about a bit of fun our crew had a few weeks back involving a chicken, a quesadilla, and a chicken quesadilla."

_That_ got the fat hog's attention, and he leaned in eagerly after taking a pull from his glass. "Oooh, tell me _everything!"_

In the midst of me regaling Hogback with yet another tale of our crew's antics (thank Drake and Hawkins for giving me a _lot_ of backlog to work with) and Robin noisily redressing the downed suits of armor, a single fact went unnoticed by the inhabitants of the manor.

A member of our party was missing, and more pressingly, they weren't the cause of it.

Eh, not like I could blame them. After all, who'd miss a single snarky ball of fur?

**-o-**

Hidden away in the depths of the network of tunnels and passages that snaked throughout the manor's walls, a pair of spider-mouse hybrids were conversing idly as they awaited the signal to start their gruesome, morally deprived work with _equally_ depraved glee.

"Do you think Master Moria will want any of the animals' shadows? Aside from the Dugongs, they're not really anything special if we take away the Devil Fruit powers," one of the mismatched abominations pondered, tapping its fingers together eagerly as it looked out into the parlor from a well-placed hole. "I mean, Hogback will probably want the doctor as a lab assistant or some such, but apart from that…"

"Honestly, I say it's fifty-fifty," his companion shrugged. "They're not that strong, no, but they're still shadows, and we can never have too many cold bodies. Though…" He adopted a flat look. "Unless I miss my guess, you're asking because you want permission to eat the white rat?"

"It's been so long since I've had _fresh_ meat…" the other zombie moaned, though he was quick to slap his cheeks. "Bah, dreaming won't get me a meal and we're off topic. Where were we?"

"Well, apart from your intended snack," the second arachnid-rodent rolled his eyes. "We have a total of four targets. Nico Robin's Devil Fruit powers mean she'll be a bit tricky, but I imagine with an ample distraction—!"

"Liiiiike knocking over a suit of armor to get everyone's attention?"

"Yes, yes, like that," the zombie dismissively replied. "With a distraction like that, we'll be able to completely blindside her and take her out before she has… time to… wait a second…" The mouse trailed off into confusion as his brain caught up with what he was hearing. "Since when do _female_ spider-mice exist?"

"Oh, they don't. 'Cause you see…"

Without warning, the zombie was wrenched around by its nose so that it was face-to-face with a snowy, pinch-eyed mask of fury.

"I'm not a mouse," 'Cottontail' Su hissed. That was the last thing the zombie heard before she shoved her paw into his mouth, forcing him to cough up a writhing mass of black a moment later.

The other zombie could only stare in horror as his friend's newly lifeless husk slumped to the floor of the passage. He started to stumble back before _freezing_ as Su snapped her gaze at him.

"And I sure as _hell,"_ she hissed, cracking an eye open for emphasis. "Am no _rat."_

That was all the poor (for a given definition of the word) zombie's nerves could take. It spun on its many heels and… well, it's hard to say _what_ it tried to do; run maybe, or perhaps even scream for its un-life. Honestly, it didn't matter, because whatever it tried to do, it failed to do it before Su was on him like white was on her, cramming her paw through its gap-toothed smile and liberating its unjustly acquired essence before it could issue so much as a peep.

Su took a moment to regain her breath before glancing into the room her friends were still in. "Snow White to Farmer Jeremiah, this is Snow White calling Farmer Jeremiah. Come in, Farmer Jeremiah."

She grinned impishly as Cross surreptitiously adopted what Soundbite had told her was called the 'Gendo Pose' in order to hide how rigid his smile had become. " _This is Farmer Jeremiah kindly asking you to_ blow it out your ass," he bit out in her ear.

Su spared a moment to snicker to herself. "I've cleared the room of mice, and I'll take care of any others that head this way. Soundbite, any idea how many are left?"

" **Too many by** _ **half. You really think you CAN TAKE THEM ALL?"**_

"All at once and head-on?" Su snorted sardonically. "Doubtful. But one at a time, in a labyrinth of secret passages with a living noise detector for a… what was it again?"

" **GPS."**

"Right, that. Well…" Su allowed a downright _sadistic_ grin to slide across her muzzle. "They never caught me in Upper Yard, and they're as hell not gonna catch me down here. Their hodgepodge asses are _mine."_

" _Heh, fair enough. Good luck to you, Snow White."_

"Oh, I'm actually not going to be using that anymore. Call me…" Su slid her bandanna up over her muzzle. " _Solid Fox."_

"… _you've been spending entirely too much time with Soundbite."_

" **Preposterous! ON AN UNRELATED NOTE,** _ **one coming from the left."**_

Su didn't even hesitate to jump straight up into a passage perpendicular to the one she was in. A second later, a spider-mouse ran nose-first into the long-cool corpses of its comrades.

Before it could even gibber, Su dropped onto its abdomen and snagged its neck in a chokehold. "Shhh…" she whispered soothingly, even as she pried its struggling jaws open. "No no, no tears… only dreams now."

" _That. That right there is_ exactly _what I'm talking ab—!"_

" **Whoa, heads-up."**

**-o-**

"Hm?" I glanced briefly at my partner's shell before resuming my casual look forward. "What is it?"

" _What it is, is that_ I JUST GOT CONFIRMATION _**from teams 2, 3 and 4.**_ **PHASE TWO COMPLETE WITH… one or two hiccups, but WE'RE GOOD TO GO."** He poked his eyestalks out of his shell and glared at Hogback, who totally missed it on account of how hard he was laughing. " _LET'S WASTE THESE DICKS."_

I hid the bloodthirsty way I was baring my teeth. "Gladly. But first…" I drifted my hand to my side. "Let's cement our credibility. Say, Doctor!" I piped up. Hogback's head snapped up as I slapped a grin on my face and loudly thunked my transceiver on the table. "What would you say to an interview on the world's most popular—!"

"And only," Robin commented airily.

"—and only," I conceded with a nod. "An interview on the world's most popular and only talk show? I mean, after all…" I waved my hand at him, wearing a forced but hopefully convincing endearing grin. "You _are_ one of the most famous people in the world, and you've been gone for twelve _years!_ I would be _remiss_ to pass up the chance to get an exclusive with you!"

While Hogback's expression rapidly morphed from one of surprise into one of eagerness, I had to hastily hide a smirk at the way Cindry _visibly_ twitched.

"Doctor Hogback, I'm sorry for speaking out of turn, but the hour has grown _quite_ late," Cindry bit out, a hollow tone of urgency underscoring her point. "If you'll kindly excuse yourself, I'll see that our guests are moved to…" I grinned even wider as she glared at me with what could have been scorn had it had even a spark of life to go with it. " _Appropriate_ accommodations."

"Oh, now now, no need for that," Hogback waved her off, bubbling with energy as he kept his eyes latched on my gateway to the world. "Don't be so stuffy, Cindry! It's just one little interview. And besides…" I barely kept my disgust off my face as his drunken stupor was suddenly replaced by a smirk of barely hidden malevolence. "What reason has a genius such as I for holding my anonymity, hmm? Why, in fact…" His smirk widened as he started stroking his chin. "I imagine that if I let the world know where I was, we'd get _faaar_ more visitors here at our humble abode. Doesn't that just sound _smashing?"_

Cindry's eyelid twitched minutely before she settled back in place, staring dead ahead. "Very good, sir," she droned. I was… actually quite surprised by the response. Thanks to my association with Soundbite, I was a bit more familiar with the nuances of the human voice than most. As such, I was able to hear the long-dead undertones of _shame_ lurking in Cindry's voice. Well, looks like either Cindry actually _was_ present in what remained of herself, or… Margarita, I believe? Was present in more than just her scorn for dinnerware.

Well, whatever it was, it wouldn't matter for much longer.

"Well, glad to hear it!" I bared my teeth at Hogback. "Just gimme _oooone_ second…" I hastily patted myself down for a pen and scribbled something down on a napkin, which I pocketed before grabbing at the box's mic, causing my friends in the room to tense in anticipation. "And let's get this party started!"

**-o-**

"So, bringing this meeting to order," stated a Marine who looked like he hadn't gotten much sleep over the past couple of weeks. "We'll begin with the status reports."

Rear Admiral Brannew blinked blearily as he shuffled through his papers; he had received his 'promotion' to the recently created Straw Hat Anti-Fallout Task Force the day that the new bounties had been released into the Grand Line, for his 'years of faithful service'. He had come to realize over the past several weeks that in reality, it was just an excuse so that they could heap more work on his head. He _knew_ he should have checked that bounty-confirmation order with Sengoku, he just _knew it._

But still, he understood the higher-ups' reasoning; with Jeremiah Cross responsible for so much damage already, they needed as much manpower as they could get to catalog it. But that didn't make slogging through report after tedious report any more respectable or enjoyable. In fact, it was bad enough that he was finding a lot more comfort in the SBS broadcasts, which by unspoken agreement usually resulted in a pause to listen (and half the time, a bigger headache than he started with).

But either way, he had a meeting to provide answers for.

"According to compiled reports from the Four Blues and Paradise," Brannew sighed wearily. "Latest numbers say that approximately one-third of our bases have been left completely untouched since the Enies Lobby debacle due to the positive reputations that they've garnered in their nearest civilizations, and are in fact reporting a slow but constant growth in volunteer Marines enlisting into the Navy. Admittedly, we've had more than a few reports of…" He glanced to the side and he coughed into his fist. " _Discipline issues_ with them, particularly in Paradise, but fortunately, the new training grounds in Navarone are fully established and molding those recruits into proper Marines. In fact, washout rates and discipline issues have halved compared to Blackarm Island's old statistics. Spring Island climates leading to calmer temperaments and all that."

Brannew then allowed himself to sag slightly, an action that he would never have performed while handling his duties as a Commodore. "That's the extent of the good news, however. With the number of resignations over the last several weeks combined with combat losses, we've lost 15% of our forces in the Blues, and 20% of our Grand Line forces, and that means the _entire_ Line. 10% of the Blue bases have been overthrown, destroyed, or have defected, along with 8% of the Grand Line bases. A small percentage have even reported that they've ceded their affairs to…" He was silent for a bit before sighing wearily. " _Pirate governments."_

He waited for the groans that _always_ arose from the news of pirate-islands erecting themselves to die down before continuing. "More problematic than the losses in manpower and bases, though both are severe and will take considerable time to make good, is the loss in warships. Between the attack on Enies Lobby, the actions of the rookies recently dubbed 'Supernovas', the concurrent actions in the New World, and far too many mutinies, latest numbers say that we've lost thirty-seven of our 258 battleships, with another eleven requiring full rebuilds before they can be made seaworthy again. We have suffered similar loss rates in cruisers and unrated warships, though we haven't been able to account for all of them."

A wave of mutterings, before one officer spoke up. "That… doesn't sound so bad?"

Brannew glared down the offending officer, annoyed at both the interruption and the ignorance displayed. "Those losses represent a tremendous loss in our ability to directly control the sea. More importantly, Water 7's decidedly _hostile_ independence has cost us a full _fifth_ of our global shipbuilding capacity. While our ability to build battleships has not diminished, thanks to the decision to build them at Government-run shipyards only, this dramatically hurts our construction of smaller warships that are, if anything, even _more_ vital for sea control. Not to mention it costs us a major source of munitions and maritime supplies. I haven't run the numbers yet on how our reduced capacity will affect replacement of all those ships, but suffice to say that my preliminary estimates are grim."

The glare was extended to the rest of the room. "And before anyone suggests simply building more shipyards, I have here…" Reaching down, Brannew grabbed a massive stack of papers and slammed it onto the podium with a satisfying thud. "Every proposal from existing shipbuilders to expand their yards, including our own." Edging out a clipped sheaf from the stack, he gave it a waggle. "This is the proposal from the Government yards. It would take six years." He then tossed it behind him. "It would also cost the Government over ฿10 Billion, all of which would have to come out of the World Nobles' discretionary fund thanks to that _thrice-damned_ Bege. So _that's_ a non-starter."

The next set comprised almost half the stack. "These are most of the private proposals. They would take anywhere from seven to fifteen years to complete, come with mutually exclusive building rights contracts attached, and we'd need to sign multiple to get the capacity we need. The only point in their favor is that they won't cost us any money we wouldn't be spending anyway." The papers were stacked off to the side.

Reaching down, he pulled out another, thinner sheaf, holding it and its large-font first page up for everyone to see. "Here's the response we received from the Dordon & Sons Shipyards, situated in the New World, when we sent them a contract proposal."

One of the officers squinted at the paper before straightening in his seat, his eyes wide in disbelief. "…ah, sir, is this even anatomically possible?"

"It is if you're a Long-Arm."

"But… there aren't any Long-Arms in the Navy, sir."

Brannew scowled as he crumpled up the paper. "Trust me, they're _fully_ aware of that."

Tossing that proposal with the Government one, Brannew pushed forward the thickest sheaf. "And finally, this is a proposal from Colvos Island to build an entirely new shipyard complex. It would take care of most of our capacity needs, and its location in East Blue means it should be easy to guard. It would take ten years to finish, but under the circumstances, that's damn good time."

"What's the catch?" one of the officers nervously asked.

"Seeing as you apparently took notes during Cross's lecture, you can expect a raise," Brannew nodded approvingly. "The catch, of course, is that they have only half the money they need. The Government would need to provide the rest."

"And we can't afford that," the officer sighed.

"Exactly. So, before we move on, the floor is open for any possible solutions you may have."

Before anybody was forced to offer a suggestion on how to help stop an entire military's shipbuilding infrastructure from imploding, they all were rescued by a sound the world now knew by heart.

" _Don don don don!"_

"Hold your thoughts," Brannew sighed as he reached for the receiver. "We'll spare a couple of minutes to see if this is something more demanding of our attention."

The officers nodded and turned their attention towards the snail.

"— _seven, eight, nine O'Leary, ten O'Leary, gooot it! Ah, it's wonderful to see such a rapid response. Hello once again, people of the world! Jeremiah Cross, here as always—"_

" _ **Accompanied by Soundbite—"**_

" _Personally welcoming you all… to the one and only SBS."_

There was a single second of silence in which all of the Marine officers stiffened. Then Brannew broke it with a slam of his palm on the table.

"Meeting adjourned," he stated. "Half of you start transcribing this, the other half prepare the task force for running damage control. I want our battleships ready to sail within the hour."

The Rear Admiral shoved his seat back from the table as he stood up. "The Voices of Anarchy are speaking another island's eulogy, and I want to us to be there _before_ there's nothing left of the place but _ashes."_

The other officers all rushed to obey.

Brannew stared after them for a moment before hanging his head and groaning. "Just another _wonderful_ day in the Grand Line…"

**-o-**

"Today's show is going to be _quite_ the spectacle," I promised my viewers, eagerness roiling in my gut like a live serpent. "And considering our track record, you _know_ that's saying something. To kick off our line-up, we have an interview with an individual whom I'm told the global scientific and medical community is _very_ interested in." I held my mic out to my eagerly awaiting 'guest'. "Care to introduce yourself?"

"Oooh, yes yes yes, I _very_ much would!" the 'good' doctor declared as he leaned forward into the receiver. "Ah, to imagine that I would be given access to such a wondrous pulpit firsthand, rather than merely calling in! Ah, but enough digression!" He drew himself up to what height he had, his chin raised proudly. "People of the world, I am Doctor Huberto P. Hogback! For those of you who are of less, eh…" He took a moment to think about it before shrugging dismissively. " _Educated_ upbringings, I am—" To what little credit he had, Hogback barely even twitched, and he certainly didn't miss a beat. "—one of the most acclaimed doctors the world over! It is an absolute _pleasure_ to be here with you all today!"

I nodded in agreement as he sat back down. Then I slowly rolled my joints in preparation to speak. "To elaborate for those who are unaware, Doctor Hogback has been secluded from the public eye for the past twelve years. This interview will be his first public appearance in that time, and believe me when I tell you that it is my…" I lapsed into silence for a moment, stretching the corners of my mouth wide, putting every last one of my teeth on display. "Utmost _honor_ to elucidate on just what Doctor Hogback has been working on all this time.

"Ah, but first!" I snapped my finger up, causing the doc to blink in confusion. "We're currently in the middle of having dinner, prepared by the Doctor's _lovely_ maid, one Victoria Cindry. Spectacular food, truly, and I'd _dearly_ love some seconds, but ah…" I donned a sheepish grin. "If I might make a _humble_ request of our esteemed hostess?"

The undead maid-née-actress graced me with her usual neutral look. "And what would that be, sir?"

I paused before answering, taking a second to glance around and confirm that my crewmates were all ready; the next phase relied on getting this _perfect._ But seeing as they were all in position, I spared a final glance between Usopp and the female zombie still standing at Hogback's side before opening my mouth.

"Could I have it served," I said with the utmost casualness. "On a _plate?"_

As expected, the actress turned to me with her eyes narrowed, opening her mouth to begin a tirade—

—and then slapped a hand to her throat and gagged as she inadvertently swallowed something that flew down her esophagus. Something small, triangular, papery… and _chock-full of salt._

In the same moment, Lassoo snapped his head up and spat a pellet of halite straight into the yet-open mouth of the mounted boar head on the wall, which suddenly sprang to life and started gagging as well.

Their writhing didn't last long. Within _seconds,_ Zombies 269 and 400, AKA Buhichuck and Victoria Cindry, both collapsed to the floor as their ill-acquired shadows roiled from their gaping mouths, their second leases on life _revoked._

Hogback blinked slowly as he took in what had just occurred. "…Cindry?" he breathed. _Then_ the gears all clicked into place and he shot to his feet with a pained howl. " _CINDR—_ ARGH!"

The fat hog's scream was cut off by me shooting from my seat and ramming my forearm into his windpipe, pinning him in his chair. Soundbite then leapt into motion. Literally, he jumped off my shoulder and landed squarely on Hogback's baldspot, leering down at the bastard.

"Keep struggling," I snarled tersely. "And your genius brain is as good as _jelly."_

" _Hoo. Hoo. …hoo?"_ Soundbite's dry-as-plaster laughter trailed off into confusion as he glanced around the room. I joined him and quickly realized what was wrong: we were still in a dining room, _not_ a battlefield. Which, obviously, wasn't right. Seriously, I knew that cutting off the heads of their chain of command in the room would be effective, but this was a bit much.

"Uh… okay, hang on, gimme a second…" I held up a finger as I tried to think of a decent trigger.

" _Lemme guess, they're not moving, huh?"_ Su's impish and disembodied voice chuckled in the air. " _Here, broadcast me, I'll light a fire under their asses."_

" **You're live!"** Soundbite promptly informed her.

" _Great! Now, then…"_ She coughed for a second before raising her voice to a yowl. " _BRING IT THE HELL ON, YOU PATHETIC PACK OF PATCHWORK_ PALAVERS!"

That did the trick: in less than a _second,_ the room all but literally leaped to life. Paintings tore out of their frames (or dragged them with them), half the statues and suits of armor in the room leaped off their pedestals, brandishing their weapons, the gargoyles fell from the chandelier, and much to my consternation, the dining table was flipped when the bearskin rug reared up on its flattened paws and roared. That was disappointing, because honestly, plates or no, that was some _damn_ good ravioli.

Ah, well. At least the spectacle that ensued more than made up for my loss.

And what a spectacle indeed. Ah, how best to put it, how best to put it… eh, simplicity holds its own beauty: My crewmates went _Matrix_ on their revenant-asses.

To elaborate, Lassoo, Usopp, and Conis went back-to-back-to-back, arranging themselves in a triangle and blasting out a barrage of shot after salty shot around the room in a scene straight out of the Wachowski Brothers' vivid imaginations. Pellet after pellet of salt struck home with pinpoint accuracy, systematically and efficiently thinning the zombie horde. Gargoyles dropped out of the air, paintings faceplanted, and lifeless suits of armor bowled over their comrades as their heavy frames reverted to little more than ballistic corpses.

All fairness to the zombies, it wasn't like they were _just_ trying to swarm us. Several of them _tried_ to cover their mouths or slam their jaws shut, but Robin, yet to stir from her nonchalantly reclined position, handled their precautions with ease by blooming dozens of arms across the room that then proceeded to either wrench jaws open, rip hands away or tear helmets off, providing clear targets for our artillery experts, and artillery proper where Lassoo was concerned.

At that point, the zombies came to the understandable conclusion that their only hope really was to swarm us, and more annoyingly, that charging headlong at the people shooting them full of salt was perhaps not the best idea. Instead, they charged for the two people not shooting: me and Robin.

Chalk it up as the latest (and last) in a series of poor un-life choices. More hands sprouting from the floor immediately immobilized the zombies going for Robin (which was most of them) and wrenched their heads around so their mouths were facing Conis and Lassoo's artillery. Wham, bam, salted.

Several, though, were going for me. Thankfully, in order to get to me they had to run by Usopp, and if they thought presenting their sides to him would help, well, they clearly hadn't met Usopp. It was an amazing sight: our sniper was firing as fast as he could pull back his Kabuto, and he was _curving_ his shots, and yet each batch of salt went straight down a zombie's gullet.

Only one zombie actually made it into grabbing range: a red-clad female zombie dragging her painting behind her through the remains of the dinner table, knocking some of it towards me and somehow leaping up to grab for my face.

Instead, _my_ hand grabbed _her_ face.

"Impact," I said around my smirk as the zombie flailed. With its usual BANG!, the Impact Dial… blew the entire top half of the zombie's head off.

"Eurgh," I groaned, flailing my gauntlet to try and get some of the gunk off of it before tossing a salt pellet down the _thankfully_ still-intact throat. "Probably should've seen _that_ coming…"

" _Also,_ **I FEEL** LIKE _**we're missing something…"**_ Soundbite added thoughtfully.

"GROAAAAR!"

" _Right,_ THAT."

Despite the giant zombie bear rug looming over me, I didn't panic. See, I knew something it didn't. Leaning over, I picked up a little something that had been knocked my way when that painting zombie had come at me.

"Hey, Conis!" I called out, winding back my arm. "Catch!"

The bear rug zombie paused in its attack to watch the salt shaker fly through the air, leaving it wide open when Conis caught, loaded, and fired the shaker from her grenade launcher in one smooth motion. The rug collapsed back into a rug as she put said shaker clean down his maw, accompanied by a shadow wafting up into the sky.

And just like that, the room went silent, the newly freed shadows swirling and roiling about the ceiling in a mass of writhing black before seeming to squeeze their ways out of through cracks. It felt like a full minute before the silence broke.

"… is that all of them?" Usopp asked uneasily, strangling the shaft of his Kabuto.

"LEMME CHECK!" Soundbite leered eagerly before addressing the room. " **BRING OUT YER DEAD!"**

There was a moment of silence, and then a painting zombie pinned under a suit of armor's mass weakly raised its arm. "Ah'm not dead ye—!"

"Off the helmet aaaaand—!" I called, tossing out a pellet I was carrying. Said pellet bounced off the headgear I was aiming for as intended _and—!_

"GRK!"

"Nailed it!" I pumped my fist victoriously.

" _YOU KEEK A TOUCHDOWN!"_ Soundbite crowed.

"Yes, yes, all very well and good," Robin sighed as she sat up on her couch, stretching her arms above her head while a different set of the limbs grew along the seam of the door and linked grips, effectively sealing the only way out shut. "In other news, I can confirm that the room is secure. No way in, no way out."

" **AND NOBODY HEARD** _ **jack shit** OF WHAT JUST WENT _ON EITHER!" Soundbite informed me with a cackle. " _We're free and clear!"_

"Glad to hear it!" I smirked, flashing them all a thumbs-up.

"What…"

"Hm?" I turned my attention back to Hogback, who was rapidly starting to purple, and _not_ from how hard I was pressing down on his throat.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLEEDING STYX IS GOING ON?!" he… more squeaked than yelled.

I blinked at him before grinning 'pleasantly' and sitting back down in my seat, which Robin had been kind enough to right for me. "Oh, just a little bit of crowd control, that's all. Couldn't have your goons jumping us and interrupting our fun, after all. 'Cause you see, _Doctor_ Hogback…" I spat the name like the insult it was as I leaned my grin on my fist. "We're still going to have that interview, and it is going to be about the work you've been doing while you've been missing… but it's going to be the _truth."_ I jabbed my finger in his face. "The whole truth, the honest truth, the _only_ truth. And sure as heck not the two-bit bullshit you were planning on feeding the world."

And just like that, Hogback's attitude totally reversed, his indignant outrage draining away to pure, bowel-dropping _terror._ "W-What?" he breathed.

"You heard him, _Doctor."_

Hogback jumped in his seat, and twisted around to stare up at Robin as she leaned on the back of his seat, smiling down at him like a particularly demonic cat that had just bagged itself a rat.

"You're going to tell the world everything," she purred. "About this island, your endeavors here… and more importantly, about the involvement of your _master."_

Hogback was sweating like a stuck pig now, but I noticed that he was somewhat calmer. I could tell what he was planning, and that _certainly_ wouldn't do, so I subsequently withdrew the napkin that I'd written on beforehand and held it up for him to read.

' _Act like I'm holding up a script, and I'll turn Cindry into_ mulch.'

Hogback choked as he took in the words, his controlled facade crumbling in favor of shivering and gagging on his own tongue as he tried and failed to produce some kind of response. Finally, with what seemed like half his body's water content coating him in sweat, he gave me a pleading stare. "He will _kill me,"_ he managed, in a voice an octave above even his usual high tenor.

I chuckled dryly. "Ohhh, you poor degenerate bastard. You haven't realized yet? _He already has."_

Hogback tried to form a response to that, but he was too flustered for anything but confused fragments to come out. I casually leaned back in my chair, smirking at him as I gestured around the room.

"Twelve years you've been gone, Hogback," I drawled. "Twelve years, and no one has heard a word from you. And what do you have to show for it, hmm? Who knows where you are, what you've done? Your master may have provided you with the best possible outlet for your talents… but who's hearing about it? How can people praise you for your genius if they think you're _dead?_ You're alone here in the darkness, and if _he_ has his way, that's all you'll ever be. Nobody will ever know about your so-called greatest accomplishments."

The surgeon froze, even his fear stilling as my words sunk into his brain. I could see the conflict in his mind, his duty and loyalty to Moria slamming headlong into and _buckling_ before the might of his titanic ego's wrath. When I saw that he was starting to tremble and fiddle with his glasses, I knew it was time to push him over the edge.

"Then again," I sighed with a cock of my head. "There's not really much to praise, is there?"

Hogback's focus snapped back to me so fast I _swear_ he must have given himself whiplash.

I leaned forward with a savage grin on my face, gesturing at my mic. "Go on, Hogback, tell them! Tell the world about what you consider the crowning achievement of your career! The _mockery of life_ you've created!"

And as the lens of Hogback's sunglasses _fractured_ under his fingers, I knew that I had won.

" _MOCKERY!?"_ the depraved physician bellowed as he tore out of his seat, somehow managing to make himself look imposing. "HOW _DARE_ YOU!? I AM THE GREATEST MEDICAL MIND IN ALL THE WORLD! GREATER THAN YOUR MANGY RUG OF A PET, BETTER THAN THAT DRAGON-BRAINED HACK VEGAPUNK, BETTER THAN THAT BUTCHER OF A BRAT TRAFALGAR, OR ANY TWO-BIT BACK ALLEY _QUACK_ WHO EVER SLITHERED OUT OF DRUM ISLAND! I AM… I AM…!"

"SAY IT!" I roared, shooting to my feet and shoving my face in his. "SAY IT, YOU POMPOUS HACK, _SAY IT!"_

"I AM THE GREATEST DOCTOR WHO EVER LIVED!" he screamed back. " _I AM THE DOCTOR THAT CONQUERED DEATH ITSELF!"_

**-o-**

" _Yes, you heard me right, I conquered_ death!" Hogback laughed hysterically. " _No… nonono, more than that, I_ cured _death! I revealed it as the worthless_ disease _that it is, and has always been!"_

"It is… _truly_ amazing just how far a few choice words can push someone," Marigold breathed as she clenched and unclenched her grip on her naginata. "I have to agree with that Kokoro woman: I am _very_ glad that Cross is on our side."

"Nidhogg only knows what he'd have done to _us_ if he wasn't," Sandersonia muttered back, uneasily twisting her hair through her fingers.

"But… But resurrecting the _dead?"_ Marguerite protested, disbelief coloring her voice. "I-I realize that I've been sheltered living on Amazon Lily all my life, but…" She shook her head in denial. "Even by Grand Line standards, even with what you've told me of Devil Fruits, th-this sounds utterly _insane!"_

"Which is exactly why Cross had to ambush him _nyon,"_ Elder Nyon sighed grimly.

Marguerite and the Gorgon Sisters snapped confused looks at the recently accepted advisor of the Empress of Amazon Lily; a title which here meant that Hancock had stopped throwing Elder Nyon out the windows.

"Care to explain yourself, Granny?" the resident Warlord sniffed imperiously.

…quite as often, at any rate.

The Elder set her jaw with a dismissive _tsk._ "By starting the interview in his usual informal manner, Cross proved that Hogback's reaction was entirely natural, he _proved_ that this isn't just some stunt. Insane as this might sound, Hogback is saying what he is of his own volition. This…" She shook her head slowly. "Insane though it might be, this is all very, _very_ real."

"Great serpents above and below…" Marguerite breathed numbly.

" _I might have been little better than average in my science class, but my teachers sure as heck managed to cram the scientific method into my skull,"_ Cross continued coolly, venom bubbling just beneath the surface. " _So, Doctor Hogback… care to communicate your results and process?"_

" _Gladly!"_ Hogback spat back, arrogance packed into his every word. " _It's a_ simple _process, really! And it all begins with my master: the lord of the Undead Isle of Thriller Bark, the man long renowned as the 'Umbral Allfather'! The greatest wielder of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit to ever live, Gecko Moria himself!"_

Salome suddenly hissed in pain when his mistress's fingers unconsciously crushed his coils beneath their suddenly steely grip.

"…I never did like that pale bastard," Hancock breathed quietly, unaware of how the rest of the women in the room were all on their knees and gasping for air.

**-o-**

In his home in Bighorn, President Dalton shifted about uncomfortably as his country's surgeon general wrenched a song of tortured glass from the bottle she was strangling.

"Ah, Doctor Kureha, correct me if I'm wrong…" Dalton swallowed hesitantly. "But wasn't Doctor Hogback someone whose skills you acknowledged as equal to yours?"

_CRACK!_

The bison-human flinched as Kureha's thumb snapped the neck of the bottle clean off.

"Yes," the witch doctor bit out tersely. "He _was._ I respected him for his abilities as a medical expert and Chopper… Chopper looked up to him as a _hero_ of our practice." She then held her hand out, snatched the cup her Lapahn assistant offered her and poured a glass, snarling all the while. "But I have the distinct impression that his idealized image of the man has been shattered, and that language of his means that mine isn't far from doing the _exact same_ _thing."_

Before anything further could be said, Cross piped up. " _Devil Fruit involvement,"_ he sighed heavily. " _Dunno what else I could have been expecting."_

" _Fosfosfosfos! Yeeees, the abilities granted by the Devils of the Sea are quite incredible, aren't they?"_ Hogback all but _giggled,_ his temperament lightening as he delved into a topic of passion. " _Ah, but I do believe that this is truly an application of abilities to trump all others! For you see, Master Moria has discovered many ways through which he can manipulate the shade… but his most innovative is to liberate others of their umbral selves!"_

Kureha and Dalton both tensed as they parsed the meaning of the words.

"He… _steals_ people's shadows…" Dalton breathed.

Kureha ground her teeth as she snapped her fingers, prompting her assistant to dig out a _pair_ of bottles that he handed to both her and the president. "And it somehow ties into this resurrection business. _Lovely."_

" _What you must understand is that shadows are with us our entire lives,"_ Hogback ranted, buried in the depths of his own 'genius'. " _Our entire lives are imprinted into them: our personalities, our mindsets, our abilities! They are, in essence, an external copy of our very beings! Astral projections of the soul! And Master Moria, he can coalesce that projection into a corporeal form! On their own, shadows can be implanted into living beings and thus impart the knowledge they've acquired upon the subject, but sooner or later the subject's_ actual _soul rejects the implanted shadow, and forces them out! Ahhh… but what of subjects_ without _souls of their own, hmmm? What of those who are_ empty _inside? When a shadow is implanted into those devoid of the spark of life, that void is filled, and they return to life anew!"_

_SMASH!_

Dalton ignored both the liquor dripping through his fingers and the glass embedded in his palm. "He's stealing shadows…" the normally calm man bit out. "And putting them in _corpses."_

"That bastard's not resurrecting the dead," Kureha snarled, shooting to her feet, grabbing the snail and punching in the numbers of as many doctors as she knew. "He's _animating_ dead _bodies!"_

**-o-**

" _You're making zombies,"_ Cross stated, his voice as dry as a desert.

" _Pfheh,"_ Hogback scoffed dismissively. " _Zombies, revenants, the walking-bloody-dead. Whatever you want to call them, the fact remains that I have accomplished what countless other_ inferior _doctors have utterly failed to do: I've breathed_ life _into the_ un-living!"

"Fascinating, truly fascinating!" Caesar Clown breathed, furiously scribbling in a notebook as he kept his attention cemented on the snail before him. "Ah, I always knew that Doctor Hogback was utterly brilliant in his field, but to think that his genius could have reached such heights over the years!" He threw his gaseous head back and cackled. "SHURORORORO! This may be my favorite SBS to date!"

" _But… hang on a second…"_ the Straw Hats' gunner spoke up. " _We were just assaulted by a_ host _of zombies! And out of all of them, the only one that looked remotely like a human was Cindry, and even she was covered in stitches! But the rest… they were feasibly disguised as hunting trophies, paintings, gargoyles… even the_ bearskin rug _was a zombie! These aren't corpses, they're… Su was right, these are patchwork_ things!"

" _Yet more examples of my unmistakable genius!"_ Hogback preened. " _To merely resurrect individuals into rotting husks would be nothing short of grievous negligence! As such, before Master Moria imparts a new shadow unto a corpse, I perform my due diligence by crafting their bodies into the best states for them to perform their duties! They are truly exemplary samples of creation! Perfection incarnate!"_

"Brilliant, brilliant, _brilliant!"_ Caesar repeated extravagantly, pen all but tearing the paper with how fast he was writing. "Ah, it's tragic that he doesn't stand a chance against the Straw Hats, but at least in his final moments as an esteemed doctor, he's imparting _some_ fragments of his genius. Fare thee well, Hogback! The world knows thee too much! SHURORORORO!"

**-o-**

" _Wait, their_ 'duties'?" Cross's gun Lassoo piped up, a snarl slowly seeping into his voice. " _Hang on… Moria… controls shadows and they're living_ through _their shadows… son of a bitch, they're not actually alive, they're just_ puppets! _Slaves to Moria, slaves to_ you!"

" _Feh! You act as though free will is some prerequisite for animation. They walk on their own two feet, they speak their minds, they even have their own personalities! They are perfectly alive!"_

" _An existence without the ability to make one's own choices. Living a life you have no choice_ but _to live."_ Nico Robin's voice dripped with icy contempt. " _Trust me,_ Hogback. _I have the authority here to tell you that that is not living."_

" _Tch,"_ Hogback glanced away with a harsh scoff. " _One person's opinion."_

" _Corroborated by the actions of another,"_ Cross hissed coolly. " _I read magazines, Hogback, I've seen pictures, I know the truth. I_ know _who Cindry really was before_ you _got your hands on her."_

" _You leave her out of this!"_ Hogback hissed back, his expression a mask of scorn.

"Heeere we go…" Trafalgar Law chuckled grimly, his fingers tapping out a staccato beat on his blade's hilt.

"Eh?" Shachi glanced at his captain in confusion. "What do you mean, boss?"

"Cross is done building him up, now he's actively _winding_ him up," Law smirked. "And once he's done? Hogback's going to blow his shit, and he's going to do it in front of the whole damn _world."_

The rest of the Heart Pirates all blinked at him in surprise before slowly turning grins ranging from savage to eager on their slightly freaked snail.

"I _really_ love these guys," Penguin chuckled.

**-o-**

" _This has everything to do with her!"_ Cross snapped back at the doctor. " _You stole her corpse from her grave! You forced a shadow into her, made her body move against her will! I saw pictures of her, saw her smile! But while she was still moving, I never saw her smile even once! Has she smiled even once in the past twelve_ years!?"

" _Shut the hell up!"_ Hogback snarled.

"Like hell!" Nojiko cheered, pumping her fist in the air. "Come on, Cross, you haven't shut up even once in the past few months, no matter how much anyone's tried to make you! Don't stop now!"

"MAKE THAT MONSTER REGRET EVERY INSTANT OF HIS DISGRACEFUL LIFE!" Genzo bellowed in outrage.

" _Then what about the shadows, huh?"_ Conis broke in, her scowl showing her to be angrier than the world had ever seen her. " _You yourself said that they're integral parts of our beings! There have to be consequences to stealing them! And these zombies… they have_ serial numbers _on them! And the highest I can see is Cindry's! Four hundred! Four_ hundred _people's shadows, unjustly stolen from them! How many more are there? Who did you take them from!?"_

" _Criminals, of course!"_ the 'doctor' scoffed, but the tension in his voice was still steadily mounting. " _Master Moria is a Warlord, it's his job to hunt the scum of the seas! We acquire the best skills from criminals such as you! From pirates, from Revolutionaries, from—!"_

" _But you still need to turn in heads to the Marines, and_ that _means you can't take all their shadows!"_ Cross growled in interruption. " _And if they're not all criminals, then you wouldn't have so many after twelve years. No… no, you're getting more on the side! You're not just stealing shadows from the best criminals, you're stealing them from_ everyone! _You've stolen from the Marines! Hell, you've even stolen from_ civilians, _haven't you, you fat_ bastard?!"

" _THOSE WORTHLESS GNATS SHOULD FEEL HONORED FOR CONTRIBUTING TO MY EVERLASTING MASTERPIECE!"_

"Whoa!" Genzo and Nojiko reeled back from their snail as it all but _exploded_ in outrage.

" _AND WHAT A MASTERPIECE IT IS!"_ Hogback continued to rant, on the verge of outright frothing. " _I'VE CREATED DOZENS,_ HUNDREDS _OF ZOMBIES OVER THE PAST TWELVE YEARS! DO YOU COMPREHEND WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU SIMPLETON?!"_

"Cross's big mouth is the most dangerous weapon in the world," Chabo stated, wincing as he dug a finger in his ear. "In more ways than one."

**-o-**

" _I'VE CREATED AN ARMY! AN ARMY OF SOLDIERS THAT KNOW NO FEAR, THAT KNOW NO PAIN, KNOW NO DEATH! THE SINGLE MIGHTIEST ARMY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET! MIGHTIER THAN THE EMPERORS, MIGHTIER THAN THE MARINES, AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, MIGHTIER THAN YOU AND THE RAGTAG BAND OF MISFITS YOU CALL A PIRATE CREW! YOUR FATE WAS SEALED THE MOMENT YOU SET FOOT UPON THESE PROFANE SHORES!"_

"Maneuvering exercises, everyone! We need to be ready to turn on a dime! Check the sails! Check the rudder! _Check to make sure Attachan is looking for Moria's old poster and anything we have on Hogback!"_

"Ah, b-but Rear Admiral Brannew, sir!"

"Hm?" The newly promoted bounty-officer paused in his barking of orders to glance at his subordinate. "Yes, what is it, Master Chief Petty Officer?"

"W-Well, sir…" the officer stammered. "I realize that what Doctor Hogback has done… _is doing_ is…" He scowled grimly. " _Morally repugnant…_ But the point remains that this task force was established for the sole purpose of tracking down the Straw Hat Pirates. We… We don't _run_ maneuvering exercises!"

Brannew was silent for a moment before allowing himself a smirk. "Orders from above our pay grade say different. I just got confirmation from Vice Admiral Garp himself."

"Ah…" The officer blinked in surprise. "W-What? Seriously?"

"Seriously," Brannew nodded, turning his head away in order to hide the vicious smirk that was creeping across his face. "And if anyone comes asking, I have the paperwork to prove it."

' _Turnabout is fair play, you old Monkey bastard.'_ The Rear Admiral then spared a glance at the snail on deck. ' _And at least it gives me an excuse to leave the younger Monkey bastard be. That's one island I think I don't mind them burning.'_

**-o-**

"AT THIS POINT, THERE'S ONLY _ONE_ QUESTION THAT REMAINS!" Hogback roared in my face, struggling against the half-dozen arms that were holding him in his seat. "AND THAT QUESTION IS JUST _WHAT_ WE'LL DO TO YOU ONCE WE'VE GROUND YOU INTO THE MUD LIKE THE PATHETIC _SWINE_ YOU REALLY ARE! WHETHER YOU'LL BE FORCED TO COWER IN DARKNESS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHILE YOUR SHADOW RETURNS MY CINDRY TO ME, OR IF I'LL HAVE THE HONOR OF LAYING YOU DOWN ON MY SLAB SO THAT I CAN RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE _AND STUFF IT DOWN THE GULLET OF YOUR PET PEST!"_

I blinked slowly, still reeling from the sheer force of the outburst. "…holy _shit_ , dude."

Props to Hogback, I had _not_ seen that rant coming. I mean, I expected _a_ rant, but this? I'd had to both fight back a smirk to keep from giving the game away too early _and_ ensure I didn't have a minor loss of bowel control. Still, we'd already won: he'd dug his own grave and all I'd had to do was hand him a shovel.

Hogback took a minute his breath back before glancing around at us, his face twisted in a rictus snarl. "Now, I believe it's time that you met Master Moria. I can only imagine that your assorted shadows and corpses will be among the most valuable new additions… to… our… why are you all looking at me like that?" he trailed off.

"I believe the more accurate question would be _what_ we're looking at," Robin said in a glacial tone. "In my personal opinion, I'd say… scum."

"Tyrant," Conis spat.

"Moron," Lassoo contributed.

"Monster," Usopp bit out.

"Royally screwed?" I offered thoughtfully.

"Dead man walking," concurred—thaaaat wasn't one of us.

We all sloooowly turned our gazes upward to behold the pink-haired gothic Lolita hovering above us, glaring down at Hogback as though he were a particularly repugnant insect.

"Especially," Perona continued, shaking her head in disgust. "Once Master Moria hears about _this_ particularly _monumental_ fuck-up."

"P-P-P-Perona, I-I—" Hogback stammered, his fingers squashing together and cold sweat cascading down his face.

" _Shut the hell up,_ you stupid, insufferable, _arrogant_ little man," the Ghost Princess coldly interrupted. "You've said and _done_ enough already. Until this moment, I never would have believed it were possible for anyone else in the world to have as big a mouth and as apathetic a view to the consequences of their actions as the hosts of the SBS. But you have now proven me wrong."

"W-W-What are you—!?"

"You just told the _world_ what we've been doing, you monumental _idiot!"_ Perona shrieked, shoving her astral face into Hogback's. "Our situation was already bad enough before you started spilling your guts; not only are the _Straw Hat Pirates_ invading Thriller Bark while we're still licking our wounds from Drake and Hawkins, but the _Humming Swordsman_ just came back at the same time as them, meaning that not only is our usual playbook in the toilet, but _they_ _know how to defeat our zombies!"_

"Salt, by the way!" I announced with a shit-eating grin. "Or even salt-water! Sea prism stone most likely cuts it too! The shadow-corpse bond is tenuous at best, and all it takes is a wee little snap to break it!"

"SHUT UP AND WAIT YOUR TURN, YOU RAGING _BASTARD!"_ she roared over her shoulder before resuming her tirade at the now sweat-soaked surgeon. "As I was saying, we've been _played!_ I've been spending the past half hour chasing that perverted asshat all through the stinkin' forest! Your one saving grace is that the Swordsman was dumb enough to snatch up a Transponder Snail somewhere and stick it in his jacket; otherwise, I wouldn't have heard the SBS! Unfortunately, seeing as I'm still too damn late to the party…"

She spread her arms, and a quintet of smiling Negative Hollows coalesced and started swirling about, cackling in their spectral tones as Perona grinned sadistically. "It falls to _me_ to clean up your mess. Honestly? I think the _one_ bright spot in this whole shitfest is that _if_ you survive what Master Moria does to you once he finds out what you've done, you'll owe me until you're on your _own_ slab. Anyway… you've done a lot of damage… buuut I'd bet that the World Government will be able to pardon it if we hand them the Straw Hat Pirates. Now then, _NEGATI_ —eh?"

Perona cut herself off as she glanced down at her quarry, i.e. us. The _reason_ for her distraction was that we were… _kiiinda_ sorta occupied with other affairs at the moment. Affairs concerning the dining room table and its contents, to be precise.

"Lassoo, stop eating all the ravioli!" Usopp objected.

"Why? I don't see any of you willing to eat food off the floor," the dachshund huffed, continuing to gobble down the dislodged pasta.

"Here, Usopp, there's still some mushrooms over here," Conis offered.

"…Have I really never told you even once over the last couple of months that I hate mushrooms?"

"Is there any vanilla ice cream left?" I asked hopefully, scouring the area.

"To your left, Cross," Robin gestured, her many arms already gathering a cup and a pitcher to pour herself a drink.

"Oh, yeah, thanks! Good thing Cindry didn't have an issue with cartons. Oh, and the salad's still pretty intact, too."

" **Yay!"** Soundbite cheered. " _But, ah… THERE'S NOT ANY **SALT IN IT from all that**_ **fighting,** IS THERE?"

I looked over the leaves, frowning in contemplation. "Nah, I think it's safe. But if you'd rather not take the risk, I can just eat it my—"

"STOP IGNORING ME, YOU LOUD-MOUTHED SON OF A—!" Perona started to howl with all the rage of a woman pose—! _PFHAHAHAHA!_ Haaaaa, I love how that shit just lines up… anyway, back to work!

"I'd recommend saving your strength, Perona," I interrupted. I then proceeded to grin up at her, and despite herself, she actually seemed nervous at the look on my face. "After all… I don't know how much longer you'll be a _fake_ ghost."

"Wh-Wh-What?" the princess stuttered, her face paling quite nicely.

I widened my grin to sadistic levels. "Did you know," I started tauntingly. "That our whole crew recently acquired bounties? Epithets, too. Our doctor's particularly proud of his." I then made a show of putting my finger to my ear. "'Spark of Genius', Tony Tony Chopper, status report."

" _ **I~ spy~ with my little eye~"**_ Chopper's demented voice sang as it bounced around the room. " _ **A sma~ll room within a ma~ssive floor filled~ with pillars. And in the bed that's in that room, a gothic Lolita lies, utterly dead to the world. My initial diagnosis?"**_

Soundbite's grin practically split his face in half, and his eyes shone with cyan insanity.

" _ **This should be… FUN."**_

I had just enough time to see Perona's face completely drain of color before she shot through the walls, shrieking like a positively _unearthly_ banshee.

**-o-**

"—ONONONONONO _NOOOOOOOOOO!"_

Perona capped off her panicked shrieking as she tore into her room like a bat out of hell, slamming herself through and into her body as fast as she could manage. The impact was forceful enough that she actually tumbled backward on her bed, slamming her back into and plastering herself against the headboard. She panted frantically, darting her gaze to and fro to spot any mad-eyed reindeer preparing to do hell-knows-what to her body.

In her mind, Hogback could go hang for all she cared on account of her panic being _wholly_ justified. After all, she was the only female on the island (with a pulse, anyway) whose location was common knowledge to the likes of Hogback and Absalom. That is, a demented death-obsessed (and she suspected necrophiliac, _UGH)_ surgeon doctor and a superhumanly strong and _invisible_ pervert. Her room was the best hidden and most reinforced, to the point that it would take a barrage of _explosives_ to breach it.

So the idea that an _enemy_ psycho-doctor could be looming over her feeble, innocent body and ready to do who knows what to it? The irony was not lost on the Ghost Princess that the whole situation was her worst nightmare come to life.

Or, then again, her adrenaline-addled mind slowly conceded as she looked around and fully took stock of her room, maybe not.

Because as she looked around at her pink-and-plush-filled room, she slowly came to accept that, at first blush, nothing of hers was disturbed. Not a sheet, not a doll, nothing. It was… totally…

"Horohorohoro…" Perona allowed a relieved chuckle to whoosh out of her, the panicked energy draining from her body. For good measure, she pulled up the nearest plushie she could grab and buried her face in its fluffy top hat with an ecstatic giggle. "It was just a trick… oh, thank _God_ it was just a trick… I'm going to make that big-mouthed bastard _pay_ for almost making me piss myself, _but oh my God I'm so happy it was just a tri—!"_

In that instant, two separate things hit Perona at once.

First, she didn't _own_ any plushies that wore top hats.

And second, a sharp prick in her neck, and a numbing sensation to go with it that killed her nascent panic cold.

" _Night-night, **princess,**_ " taunted Tony Tony Chopper.

As darkness invaded Perona's perception of reality, a final thought managed to run through her head before Morpheus claimed her.

' _Why… did it have… to be… the… Straw…?'_

**-o-**

I chuckled grimly as I made a show of examining my armored fingertips. "Remind me, Soundbite: what was it you said back in Alabasta, when I tricked Miss Friday into thinking that a simple mug was a grenade?"

" **That would be,** _you are DA BLUFF MASTAH!"_ Soundbite chuckled.

"W-What are you talking about!? What did you just do?" Hogback demanded incredulously. "O-Once she gets her hands on your friend—!"

" _Status update, Cross: sedative injected. Perona is dead to the world. Exactly as you planned,"_ Chopper's voice said, causing Hogback to fall into a wordless wheeze.

"I love hearing those words," I nodded before looking back at Hogback. "We couldn't guarantee that the Hollow-Hollow Fruit wouldn't _actually_ turn her into a real ghost, and besides that, we don't like killing, period. Much more reliable to trick her into returning to her corporeal form and then locking her inside her own flesh, ne?"

"Ge-bwuh-vrgrgh…" I _think_ Hoggy's brain was kinda sorta fried by this point. Good thing we had a way of snapping him back to reality!

"Now, then!" I said, eagerly clapping my hands together. "Real quick tangent here… Chopper, Hogback is directly in front of me. Anything that you'd like to say to him?"

Chopper didn't answer at first, and the silence stretched on, to the point where it actually became kinda sorta uncomfortable.

Astoundingly, Hogback actually had the audacity to swallow heavily and speak up. "Ah… t-t-this is Doctor Chopper, yes? D-Doctor Tony Tony Chopper? I-I've listened to segments on the SBS before, I-I-I really must say, y-y-your work on, on handling the short-term effects of c-c-concussions is revolutionary! M-M-Might I offer you some advice, a-a-about—?"

"' _I will remember'."_

Hogback choked off when Chopper suddenly spoke up, his voice utterly devoid of emotion.

"' _That there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug'. That's only a piece of the oath, Hogback. Only a fragment of the oath that you and I both swore, but I feel like it's particularly pertinent in this specific instance."_

"I-I, t-t-that's—!" Hogback tried to stammer out.

" _That oath is long and winding, and it has a lot of sections and specifics to it… but in the end, it all boils down to three simple words: Do. No. Harm."_

_That_ actually got a snarl out of Hogback, bristling like a startled boar. "Oh, and _you're_ innocent of breaching medical ethics, you _literal_ rugrat?" he spat. "I tested out a few of your formulae! Your explosives aren't exactly what I'd call 'traditional medicine', and that alter-ego of yours isn't very conducive to an appropriate 'bedside manner' either!"

" _Wrong, Hogback,"_ Chopper frigidly countered. " _I didn't forget my oath, I found one that takes precedence: my_ flag. _Out here on the sea, we doctors can't afford to be so lax. We need to put preventing harm coming to our friends_ before _undoing it. And in the pursuit of that duty, all bets are off; no limits that cannot be crossed, no actions that will not be undertaken."_

"…And what is your rationalization for holding _anything_ against me if you believe that?" Hogback demanded. "If rules are to be trampled upon when necessary, what is your argument against what I've done? Why would you not attempt something just as 'monstrous' yourself!?"

For a long moment, Chopper was silent, and I almost worried that he didn't have an answer.

" _Because even as I step beyond my oath,_ _**I have others to bring me back."**_

Hogback squealed in terror as Chopper's voice took on a _distinct_ overtone of madness that was nonetheless appropriately chained and shackled.

" _ **Even in my… shall we say, enhanced state, my crewmates, my**_ **friends** _**are the one line I**_ **refuse** _ **to cross,"**_ Chopper continued coldly. " _ **And more importantly, they are the ones who bring me back when I do teeter on that precipice. How long has it been, Hogback, since you could say that? Have you**_ **ever** _ **been able to say that?"**_

Hogback spluttered indignantly as he tried to formulate a response.

" _ **Do you recognize the best part of being a pirate doctor, Hogback?"**_ Chopper forged on, his frigid calm thawing into blazing outrage with his every word. " _ **I imagine you do, seeing as you've liberally practiced it over the past twelve years, but let me say it anyway: there are no limitations on how we choose to apply our skills. Be it for good or for ill, our knowledge can be utilized as either a tool or a weapon at our own discretion. But where you chose to abuse your skills, where you**_ **maliciously** _**broke your oath on the backs of the innocent people you were supposed to help, I FULLY INTEND TO BREAK**_ **MY** _ **HIPPOCRATIC OATH**_ **CLEAN OVER YOUR HEINOUS CRANIUM THE MOMENT I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!"** Our doctor finished in an animalistic _roar_ of fury, his sheer hatred so loud and so prominent that it shook the very walls of the room.

We were stuck in stunned silence until I finally got the wherewithal to shoot a deadly grin at the by now half-dead hog, who was currently trembling in his chair. "I've honestly never heard him this pissed before now. In a word?"

" _YOU BE SCROOD,_ **dood!"** Soundbite cackled ecstatically.

Hogback's jaw worked itself silently for almost a solid minute before he finally raised his head to give me a dead look. "When Master Moria finds out what you've done," he breathed listlessly. "There will be no force on this planet that will be able to save you."

The fact that I could _hear_ how he barely even believed in that statement? Glorious beyond all words.

I put on a show of thinking intently before shooting another soul-crushing smirk his way. "Then we'll just need to make sure that 'Master Moria' doesn't find out about this, won't we?" I put my finger to my ear before he could respond. "Boys, how we doin'?"

" _Just waiting on the guests of honor…"_ Leo breathed before allowing a grin to slide across his face. " _And here they come and here we go."_

**-o-**

"MASTER!"/"MASTER MORIAAA!"/"IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP, MASTER!"

This was the three-part chorus being caterwauled by the diminutive zombies Nin, Bao and Gyoro as they tore into the quintuple-XL sized bedroom that the island's master was sleeping away the night in.

"Master, Master!" the blue samurai, Bao, hollered at the top of his lungs as he hopped in place. "We've got guests! It's time for you to wake up! Wake up!"

"Gotta pop the bubble, gotta pop the bubble!" The yellow bucket-head, Gyoro, spun one arm eagerly as he pointed at Gecko Moria's colossal snot-bubble with the other. "Pop it, Nin, pop it!"

"You got it!" the pinkish archer, Nin, nodded eagerly. He unslung his bow, nocked an arrow and drew it back in a second. "C'mon, Master! Time to wake—!"

It was at that exact moment that everything went _wrong._

_SLAM!_

More specifically, it all started with the double-doors to the room getting slammed shut behind the trio, each zombie snapping their heads around to look.

"Eh—?"/"Wha—?"/"Hu—?"

That was all the three midgets managed to get out before they were frozen, both by shock and by the cold steel they could feel on both the front and back of their necks.

"Medusa Mitigation," Leo intoned, glaring bloody murder at the undead over his crossed arms. Then, in a single surge of strength, he _un-_ crossed his arms—

_SHINK!_

And sent the trio's craniums flying.

That was the signal for Donny to fling a trio of kunai at the headless corpses from where he'd been standing behind the second door. The knives flew true, and their salt-coated tips slammed into the bottoms of the three's throats.

Donny's face broke out into a grin, and he pumped his fist triumphantly as the trio's shadows escaped their corpses like bats out of hell. "Hell yes!" he crowed. "Haha, how's _that_ for bada—!"

_TWANG!_

"—Urk…"

Donny's victorious exultations turned into a choked gurgle on account of Nin's body suddenly falling slack, loosing the nocked arrow in the process. The arrow that was _still aimed in the general direction of Moria's snot bubble._

All Leo and Donny could do was stare in horror as the arrow flew up-up-up, hanging at the apex of its arc for what felt like an eternity before gravity took hold and flung it down-down-down, right at the snot bubble—

_CLANG! "Sonnuva—!"_

And right into a link of the suddenly present chain of Mikey's nunchuk, arresting the arrow's momentum right when its very _tip_ was millimeters away from the dugong's fearfully quivering eye.

Mikey panted furiously for a minute, fighting desperately to get his heart rate under control while also holding the arrow in place and maintaining his Tidal Swim above the Warlord's quivering bubble. Once he was certain that his heart wasn't going to explode, however, the orange-bandanna'd dugong shot a murderous snarl at his fellow students. "And you sons-of-bitches have the gall to call _me_ a fucking idiot!?"

The bo and katana wielders exchanged uneasy looks before shooting their brother-in-training dual thumbs up.

"Nice catch, Mikey!"

"Yeah, great work!"

"STOP COMPLIMENTING ME AND HELP ME GET THE HELL DOWN! I'M STARTING TO LOSE FEELING IN MY DAMN TAIL!"

While Leo hastily jumped up to help the nunchuk-wielder down, Donny carefully began loading the syringes he had been given as he gave the scene before him a contemplative look. "Thank Sebek that this worked; if he hadn't taken our heads off when he woke up, Cross would have for screwing his plan!"

**~o~**

"Alright, guys, Team 3, a.k.a. 'Needle', will consist of Chopper and the TDWS," I pointed them all out, causing them to straighten in anticipation. "Your assignments will be crucial to Team 1's success. Specifically, you'll be removing Perona and Gecko Moria himself from the equation."

The dugongs paled in horror. "Ah… come again?" Raphey squeaked fearfully.

"Er… Cross?" Boss cut in. "I may have faith in my boys, but even I'd say that expecting them to beat a Warlord with just Chopper for backup would be a suicide mission. No offense, Chopper."

"Considering how I've _seen_ what the last two Warlords we met did to our crew? None taken," Chopper gulped, looking at me. "Please say that you have just as good a reason for trusting that we can handle this as you do with Team 2."

I smiled calmly. "You guys are _not_ going to be attacking them. You're going to be attacking their unconscious bodies."

Their reaction was half of relief, half of confusion.

I leaned back against the mast as I spread my arms out. "As I said, Perona leaves her body sleeping in her room whenever she goes out on patrol. And similarly, Moria is an _absurdly_ heavy sleeper, to the point where it takes an arrow to his snot bubble (just go with it) to wake him up. You'll be locating the both of them while they're K.O., and then guaranteeing that they _stay_ K.O. Got it?"

Team 3 all exchanged looks before nodding in agreement.

"Perfect. Alright, things start off with our new Musician." I indicated our new skeletal crewmate. "Brook will be entrusted with either Pinkie or the Brain, but not _just_ so that he's always in communication with us. He'll also have a running line between him and Soundbite, meaning that once I get the SBS started, Perona's most likely going to abandon Brook in favor of us. But before that happens, you four—" I pointed at the TDWS. "Are going to sneak into the manor undetected, taking Chopper with you, and locate her body."

"I… don't need to _hurt_ her, do I?" our doctor asked uncomfortably.

"No…" I said, shaking my head and then putting up a finger. "But you're going to do your best to make it _sound_ like you are. Once Perona gets to the dining hall, I'll call you, and you'll put the fear of hell in her so that she shoots back to her body. And once she's back inside?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "You're going to sedate her with the heaviest soporific you've got. So long as her mind's asleep, Perona will be out of commission for the rest of our fight. Got it?"

"Hm…" Chopper scratched his chin in thought before nodding. "Yeah, that works for me."

"Good. Now, for the rest of you…" I said, refocusing on the dugongs. "One of you's going to have to stick with Chopper to deal with the dedicated bear-zombie bodyguard Perona has covering her, but the other three are going to locate Moria and wait in the shadows around him. He's got a dedicated trio of zombies acting as his alarm clock, and I'd bet hard cash that those three are the _only_ ones who ever wake him up. So long as you can take them out without anyone finding out? Moria'll be left to snooze for the entirety of our assault."

Leo and Donny shared shocked looks before giving me a wide-eyed stare.

"That's… a pretty good idea, Cross!" Leo exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's genius!" Donny concurred.

My grin became rigid and I felt a vein start to pulse on my forehead. "And you two sound so surprised about this _why,_ exactly?!"

The pair promptly snapped their heads away, whistling _very_ innocently.

"Hm… hey, wait a second…" Mikey mumbled, his head bowed, before snapping his 'fingers'. "I got an idea! If we're gonna be sneaking up on Moria while he's sleeping really, really deep, why not make sure it's an _extra_ deep sleep by sticking him with some of Chopper's drugs too?" He maintained his victorious stance for a second before flushing furiously at the incredulous looks pinning him. " _Why the blue hell are you all looking at me like that!?"_

That cued another round of hastily averted gazes and overly innocent whistles.

"Eheh… ah, still, if we're doing this…" Chopper sent me a curious look. "Cross, about how big would you say that Moria is? I need it for the dosage."

"Mmm… 25 feet, maybe? Aaaand I have no idea if he's a huge human or a weird giant or what, sooooo…" I shrugged uncertainly.

Chopper's skin promptly paled beneath his fur. "I'll just… go and prepare the _Luffy_ amount then."

Once the Zoan-reindeer wandered off, I regarded the last of our crew, meaning Luffy, Zoro, Franky, Boss and Funkfreed. "Anyways, you guys are Team 4. And trust me, your job's _entirely_ appropriate for your skillset."

**~o~**

"' _Disciple Purple' reporting in, Cross,"_ Donny informed me. " _The three undead alarm clocks have been silenced before they could rouse the Warlord—and credit where it's due, that's thanks to Orange catching the arrow—and the Luffy-grade sedative is applied. I don't know what the hell Moria is, but there's no way he's waking up short of a mortar shell going off in his ear."_

"And with confirmation from Team 2, that makes us three for three on the fighters of the Mysterious Four!" I confidently declared. "Thriller Bark has fallen in all but name and army." I then shot a sidelong glance at the Four's barely twitching remainder. "Anything you'd like to say, _Hogback?"_

For a minute, the man couldn't bring himself to do more than sputter in horror. Then, finally, he looked at me with a pleading expression. "Why are you doing this?" he wheezed. "What did we ever do to you? What… What did we do to deserve _this?"_

I stared impassively at him for a second before scratching my cheek and chuckling. "What did you do… oooh, where to even start…" I made a show of snapping my fingers in realization. "The beginning. That works. And the beginning here would be a fact Conis pegged onto earlier: Shadows. 'Cause… she's right, see. Shadows are _integral_ to a human being. And losing one, the consequences of it, the _symptoms…"_ I shook my head. "They are _deadly._ Not immediately, but long-term?"

I was silent for a bit before continuing. "I could tell them to the world… but I won't. Rather…" I pinned Hogback with a cold glare. "I'll let your _victims_ handle that. And yes, you heard me right!" I addressed that at my mic. "Right here, right now, I'm inviting victims of Thriller Bark the world over to share their plight with the world. Just to remind you all, the number to call is 432-782-762. Punch it in now… and let the world know of how unjustly you've been treated all these years."

The room fell silent for the next thirty seconds. During those thirty seconds, I had complete faith that this part of the plan would work. And at the end of those thirty seconds…

" _Dot dot dot dot!"_

My faith and hopes were vindicated, while what little hopes Hogback had left crumbled.

" _Dot dot dot—KA-LICK! Um, hello?"_ came a somewhat nervous female voice.

"You're live on the SBS," I said with a smirk. "No filter, then?"

" _I-I…"_ The voice's face faltered briefly before she steeled herself quite admirably. " _No… no, absolutely not. I've spent too long hiding in the shadows, a-a-and… and I won't stay silent for even one second longer! My name is Margarita, and I am a maid serving in Egana Manor on Torodana Island in the Grand Line. Ten years ago, the ship I was on was attacked by the Moria Pirates, and that monster, Gecko Moria, he… he stole my shadow. I lost consciousness from it, and I didn't wake up until a few days after, but once I did…"_ The maid's expression grew grim. " _My life was a living hell._

" _Cross is right: The effects of losing a shadow are horrific. To go without a shadow is unnatural, and there are a lot of consequences. You can't be seen in mirrors, your image doesn't appear in photographs… but worst of all… without a shadow…"_ Margarita drew in a shuddering breath before forging on. " _After the attack, a friend of mine who was with me, she… she stepped out into the morning sun, and before I knew what was happening, before she could even scream, she…"_ The maid pinched her eyes shut, her face twisted in misery. " _S-She burst into flames… and was gone from this world without a trace!"_

There was a moment of tense silence punctuated only by Margarita's pained sobbing, until finally I chose to speak up. "If you want, I can—?"

" _No!"_ she protested, even as more tears shone in her eyes. " _They… stole my life from me! I need to see this through! I… I need to tell the world of the hell they forced me into! A hell of shadows, of darkness! For ten years, I haven't been able to step into the light for fear of death! For ten years, all I've known is cold and terror. For ten years… I haven't even been able to see the_ sun…" She paused, audibly panting, and then her angry facade broke into a wide, tearful smile. " _Until today. Until a few scant minutes ago, when I saw my reflection in the mirror. When I chose to stand by a candle, and I saw that my shadow had returned! As soon as I realized it, t-the master of the house, he threw a party, a-a-and I can't wait for the dawn, because for the first time in years, I can finally see the sun rise on a new day, and it's all thanks to you!"_

"Good for you!" Conis smiled pleasantly.

"Hmm…" Robin, meanwhile, was scratching her chin. "Margarita… you said you're a maid, yes? You wouldn't happen to have a pathological hatred for dishware, would you?"

"… _Ah… I got over that a_ long _time ago? Why do you ask?"_

"Simply confirming the identity of the zombie who had your shadow," Robin smiled. "She was acting quite psychotic. I imagine you must have been in quite a state back then. I'm glad to hear you've regained some measure of sanity."

" _Uh… thank you?"_

"Among the first we actually took down, in fact!" I confirmed. "If it's any consolation, either your shadow or what little remained of Cindry's spirit were fighting tooth and nail!"

" _Oh, thank you… but concerning Cindry… y-you said her serial number was 400, right? And… and that_ bastard _Hogback, he said… that he'd made even more than that, right?"_

"Uh… yes?" Usopp answered.

Margarita's eyes hardened like steel. "… _Nobody, not a Marine, not a Revolutionary, not even other_ pirates _deserve the kind of purgatory that I've been forced to endure for the last decade. Straw Hats… please, free them all. Lift Moria's curse. End the evil that is Thriller Bark, once and for all!"_

"Mark my words, Margarita: by daybreak, Thriller Bark won't even _exist_ anymore," I stated menacingly, my blood thundering through my veins.

She smiled, tears coming down her face. " _Thank you… for everything. KA-LICK!"_

"Well, I think that about covers it," I said, preparing to stow my transceiver away again. "If any of you other shadowless would like to add anything more, I'll be broadcasting again for the Straw Hats' traditional victory party in a few hours. Until then, however, we'll be going anonymous. Can't have the Marines ambushing us and all that! But for now… light a candle, pull up a mirror, and wait with bated breath. Because at last, your long night has come to an _end!"_

And with that triumphant note, I hung up the transceiver and returned it to hanging at my side. I then turned towards Hogback, who was staring at me in horror.

"I know that look," I said with a smirk. "I've seen that look more times than I can count, that 'how the hell could you possibly know about that' look. Yeah… after all that, I imagine you _would_ be wondering how we found out about all of this in the first place, huh? Well, it's simple."

I leaned in and put my grin right in Hogback's terrified face. "Did you honestly think," I whispered. "That the Humming Swordsman returning at this exact point in time, at _just_ the worst possible moment… is a _coincidence?"_

What little blood Hogback had left evacuated his face. "You… can't be serious…" he choked out.

I couldn't help but chuckle grimly as I stood up and loomed over him. "You took our new musician's shadow, Hogback," I intoned darkly. "You stole _everything_ from him, and he didn't have much left to begin with. And now… we're going to take every little last thing from _you."_

Yeah, _that_ little revelation was finally too much for Hogback; with a final gargle of horror, he passed out, foam fountaining from his slack maw.

I leaned back in surprise before shooting a bemused look at Robin. "I'm getting better at this, huh?"

"At this point, Cross?" Robin dryly replied. "I wouldn't be surprised if Dragon himself dreaded getting on your bad side."

"…taking that as a compliment!" I said cheerily.

"It was meant as one," she smiled back.

"Ahem?" Lassoo chuffed in an effort to get attention. "If you're done having fun…?"

"Ah, right, right!" I nodded as I got back on track before glancing over at Soundbite. "Alright, let's rumble. Team 4, do you read me?"

" _Team 4, 'Smokescreen', in position,"_ came a female voice. " _Speaking is Lola, second in command of the Thriller Bark Victim's Association, all of which are armed and ready for combat. We are awaiting your order, Jeremiah Cross."_

"Proceed to Phase 3, and commence Operation 'Nightmare Luffy.'" I turned a demonic grin towards the wall that was towards the front of the mansion. I could practically see them now…

**-o-**

A veritable army decked out in pitchforks, swords, and torches.

A cyborg with a giant pair of nunchucks made from a pair of trees that were currently burning to charcoal.

A three-headed, six-armed demon with nine swords, wreathed in blue fire.

A shell-clad dugong, spinning a nigh-flaming weapon and swimming in the air through a cloud of smoke he was spewing.

And in the center of them all? A giant, muscular, blue-skinned behemoth, clad in a hockey mask, riding an elephant with a sword for its trunk, with one hand holding an oversized sword and the other holding a pipe that had a mechanized blade strapped to the end. With said blade being _on fire._

Such was the sight that met the undead army of Thriller Bark when they emerged before the island's main gate, and such was the sight that sent them all running, in absolute, bowel-dropping _terror_ to get as many reinforcements as inhumanly possible.

**-o-**

"PFFHAHAHAHA!" I cackled ecstatically, bending over in my mirth. "Ohhh, _God,_ that's hilarious! They'd better damn well get pictures of Franken-Luffy before he lets the shadows out, or I swear I'm going to rip their _faces_ off! PFFHAHAHA!"

"I will admit, Cross," Robin chuckled in amusement. "This aspect of your plan, while simplistic, is quite ingenious. With our friends garnering the entirety of the zombies' attention, bar very few, we're left free to roam about the manor as we please."

"But, ah…" Usopp glanced around the corpse-filled room uncertainly. " _Why_ would we want to do that exactly? You, ah… never really said."

"Usopp's right," Conis nodded in agreement. "Shouldn't we head for the front gate immediately, so that we can help our friends fight?"

I promptly sobered up and adopted a scowl. "Because we're in here for a far more pressing matter. Chopper, you're on your way to Hogback's lab, right?"

" _I just helped Raphey finish exorcising Perona's bear, so yes. I expect you'll be taking Hogback there so that I can… **deal with him?"**_

"Soundbite?" I asked my snail. "You find what I asked you to?"

" _ **Yeah, I did…"**_ Soundbite winced fearfully. "WISH I HADN'T, THOUGH… _but the lab's in a tower,_ **and that thing ain't.** _HELL OF DETOUR."_

"Hrmph…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully for a second before snapping my fingers in realization. "What about the _base_ of the tower?"

" **Huh?"** Soundbite blinked in surprise before grinning sheepishly. " **AH… YEAH, I'D SAY THAT** _ **THAT SHOULD WORK."**_

"Great," I nodded before regarding our friends. "Guys, get Hogback on his feet and let's get moving. Chopper, we'll meet you at the base of his tower so that we can drop him off."

"And… after that?" Usopp asked uncertainly.

I grinned as I strode to the doors of the room and slowly pushed them open. "We're going to go and terminate the final possible threat remaining on this accursed island once and for all. We're going to go and pay our respects… _to Number 900 himself."_

**Hornet AN: For the benefit of our FFN readers, let me explain a few things: I work a full-time job, and Xomniac and The Patient One are both college students. This often leaves us two hours a day - at best! - to work on this fic. So if you're wondering what's taking a chapter so long, this is probably why.**

**Patient AN: We can only do so much when time will not cooperate. We ask for you to please be patient, and refrain from asking what's taking so long. If there is something more severe than scheduling issues preventing us from updating, we will inform you. Otherwise, however, we ask that you allow us to take the time needed to get our writing to the quality that we pride ourselves on.**

**Xomniac AN: And even besides all that, there were just sections of this whole thing that just refused to be written. *Shrugs* Shit happens.**

**Cross-Brain AN: Regardless, however… we've said this before, and we have no doubts that we'll say it again at least once before we're through, but this may be our best work yet.**


	10. Chapter 10

### Chapter 54: Chapter 49: The Generals Come Forth! The Grand Battle For Thriller Bark!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Loyal fans, the good news is that this chapter has several fight scenes that should satisfy those of you who were unhappy about things going perfectly so far. And the bad news is that this is most likely the only update you'll get until April.**

**Xomniac AN: Unfortunately, this chapter is shorter than we'd hoped, a mere 17K… and while it** **_overjoys_ ** **me that we consider a literal** **_essay_ ** **'mere,' the fact remains that we just couldn't hold off any longer. But hey, you're still getting some action~! Enjoy!**

**Patient AN: Also, I suppose it's overdue that I got to add something to the A Rare Sentence page. In writing this chapter, I found myself saying, "Xom, you're comparing a giant warthog to a former master swordsman."**

The goings-on at Thriller Bark were always unnatural. It was only natural, ironically enough, seeing as the island was populated by sentient paintings and trophies, there were creepers in the crypt, laughing ghosts flitting through the air, and said air was absolutely thick with eldritch fog. Unnatural was synonymous with 'normal' on the island.

But even as relatively unnatural as Thriller Bark was, the sight of a speedo-clad cyborg swinging around a giant pair of flaming oaks linked by a chain to bash down the walking dead as though he were playing a macabre, jumbo-sized game of Whack-A-Mole was a whole new level of 'weird' for the island's ghastly inhabitants.

"C'MON, YOU ROTTIN' ASSHATS!" Franky cackled, hoisting his flaming makeshift nunchaku. "I GOT _LOADS_ MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!"

"HEY!" one of the zombies protested indignantly as it poked its head out from behind the XL-sized headstone it'd been hiding behind. "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE FREAKIER THAN US! THIS IS OUR TURF! THAT'S _OUR_ RIGHT, YOU BIG METAL BASTARD!"

"Huh? Is that so?" Franky blinked in surprise. "Well, then, if that's the case—!"

_SLAM!_

_"_ _GAH!"_ the zombie howled in shock as both he and the gravestone were smashed into the ground.

"—I DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN!" the cyborg roared at the top of his lungs.

Currently, the Straw Hat-led war against the unnatural inhabitants of Thriller Bark was going apace. For all that the zombies outnumbered the living pirates nearly a dozen revenants to a man, the warm-blooded faction of the war vastly out-skilled and/or out-powered most of the zombies. The gap was big enough, on average, to take out the zombies a handful at a time.

However…

"YOU BASTARD!" the smashed zombie roared, peeling himself off of the soil, lumps of stone falling from flesh ignited in several places

Franky frowned grimly as he was forced to take a step back on account of the flattened undead and a half-dozen others surging forward, a veritable tide of dead flesh rushing at him.

The fact remained that for all that the Straw Hats were holding their own against the zombies, neither were they making any progress. After all, the zombies might have been without any noteworthy skills, but they were also without any _pain._ And without pain, that meant that they had no reason to stop _attacking._ And not just personally either. Every minute, more and more zombies of all shapes and sizes were arriving from all over the manor and the rest of the island, adding to the bulk of the brawl. Sure, they were salting them all…

**"** **RAAAAGH!"** Luffy bellowed, his voice echoing a hundred times over with righteous fury. This fury was thoroughly reinforced by the reverberating roar of the flaming chainsaw that topped his pipe, complemented by the hockey mask he wore, and accentuated by the fact that he was a hulking blue muscleman almost as tall as Moria.

The icing on the cake was the screams of the zombies and their desiccated flesh as they were _both_ rent asunder by the swings of Luffy's nightmarish weapon.

Franky held back a bark of laughter as he watched the zombies literally fall to pieces. And _sure,_ they were managing to incapacitate the zombies in a variety of other ways…

_"_ _CHAAAARGE!"_

Franky's grin died as a fresh crowd of zombies literally threw themselves into fray.

…But the unfortunate fact was that for each one they put down, three more and counting took their place. It was just a dozen-to-one now, but sooner or later it'd be two dozen, then three, then however many more until either Moria ran out of zombies or they started losing people, whichever came first.

And not even Luffy was stupid enough to bet on the zombies running out first.

Still, one thought cheered Franky and prompted him to heft his nunchucks again, and that thought was that the zombies weren't the only ones with reinforcements coming.

The Straw Hats had their own people waiting in the manor's wings, and once they were all good and ready they'd be getting reinforcements of their own.

"This is gonna take all night," Franky grumbled. Snorting, he readjusted his nunchucks. "Eh, whatever; Cross and the rest'll be here soon enough."

**-o-**

"This is taking _forever,"_ I groused.

Unfortunately for us all, the process of getting from Point A (the dining room) to Point B (the base of Hogback's tower) was proving to be leagues more complicated than it had any right to be. Seriously, all we had to do was drop off Hogback, who wasn't even struggling due to Conis dragging his unconscious carcass along by the ankle. But there was an… _obstacle_ in the way of that particular endeavor.

**"** **Right up ahead…"** Soundbite informed us, his voice brimming with exasperation.

We took the turn he indicated…

**_"_ ** **_SONNUVABITCH!"_ **

And our hit-and-miss guide expressed what we were all feeling as we were greeted _once again_ with a dead-end hallway.

"Fifth in as many minutes…" Lassoo chuffed dryly.

"'Easy to navigate', you said, 'know your way around this place like the back of your shell', you said," Usopp commented with a sidelong glance at my partner. "What happened to our self-proclaimed 'god of noise?' And while I'm on it, have you ever even _seen_ the back of your shell?"

**_"_** ** _BITE ME!"_** the snail exploded. "I CAN'T HEAR SHIT _WHEN THERE'S NOTHING TO HEAR!_ **These asshats have** ** _ghost walking_** _down to an art form._ _ **MY MAP IS HIT AND MISS AT BEST.**_ **AND BESIDES THAT, I NEED TO BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE—!"**

"Hey! What's going on here?!"

Soundbite's eye twitched furiously. _"That_ **doesn't happen."**

We all turned around to behold a quartet of shambling horrors staring at us from the intersection. Three of the patchwork wad-brains were wearing metal buckets on their head and the fourth was sporting… a… orange rubber traffic cone?

"…morbid curiosity here, where the heck did you dig that little piece of headgear up?" I wondered.

The zombies' response to my _wholly_ innocent query was quite rude… namely, they all roared and attempted to charge us.

'Attempted' being the key word here, seeing as Conis, Usopp, and Lassoo promptly dispatched them all with an air of ease bordering on, well… boredom.

"Come on!" Lassoo yipped. "Isn't there anybody more—nope! Nope nope nope! Not saying it!"

"At this point, I'm bored enough that _I'd_ be willing to risk saying it," Robin muttered, before speaking up. "But before we stumble into _another_ dead-end passage, I'd like to try something else."

With that, hands sprouted from the floor, propping up the unconscious Hogback—and then repeatedly bitch-slapping him.

Seriously. There was no other way to describe it. And in fairness, it did the trick; Hogback's head jerked off the floor, wheezing against the napkin gag we'd thought to stuff in his mouth on our way out of the dining room. His expression as he froze under our combined gazes was priceless, too.

"Do try to face this with some dignity," Robin drawled, sprouting another hand on his neck that clamped onto a very _specific_ part of his throat. "Now, I trust you'll recognize that that is your carotid artery I'm holding, yes? Let me be blunt: if we deliver you to Chopper, there is a good possibility you will not survive the encounter with him. However, if we remain in these labyrinthine corridors for five more minutes…"

Hogback did his name proud when he squealed at Robin twisting the flesh she was holding.

"I can _guarantee_ that you will not survive _me_. So, all of that being said…" Robin's hands sprouted all around the doctor and both shoved and pulled him to his feet so that she could smile frigidly in his face. "Which way to your laboratory, Mister Hogback?"

Hogback shivered in place for a few seconds before hesitantly shuffling past her and back down the way we'd come.

I cocked an eyebrow and leaned in close to Robin as we followed. "Do you think he realizes that anything you could possibly do to him would be a fair sight kinder than whatever it is Chopper's got up his sleeves?" I whispered.

Robin's response was to chuckle beneath her breath. "Oooh, I'm certain he'll figure it out in due time."

"Well, seeing as we've got time to burn…" Lassoo hummed thoughtfully. "Anybody up for I Spy?"

"Any other day, maybe," Conis sighed with a despondent look as she reloaded her guns with fresh shots of salt. "Right now, I'm too preoccupied worrying about how Su is doing…"

For whatever reason, that set Soundbite off, sniggering like a loon.

**-o-**

"HEY, WAKE UP!"

_THWACK!_

"GWAH!" a painting-zombie snorted awake as a hefty weight was slammed into its jaw. That done, it glared bloody murder at its equally lopsided compatriot as it readjusted its top hat. "What was that for?!"

"Get pissed at me _later,_ you lethargic loitering louts!" the bodybuilder-like zombie snarled, swinging its head back and forth to address the entire hallway and the dozen or so paintings that had just been roused. "Right now, you need to get off your damn wall and get moving, quick!"

"Eh?" another of the paintings blinked in confusion, sleep still clouding its mind. "The heck are you talking about?! What's—?!"

_KA-BOOM!_

Almost as if in response, a catastrophic explosion rang out in the distance.

"We're being attacked, flat-faces!" the bodybuilder snapped, glancing fearfully towards the site of the explosion. "Full-frontal assault on the manor! It's all hands on deck, even Surprises like you! _So, get your flat-asses in motion already!"_

"Gah, alright, alright!" the painting yelped, the lot of them hastily hopping their frames off the wall before dragging themselves away.

"So, what, we've got an attack on the front doors? Is it _really_ that bad!?" asked one of them.

"It's _worse,_ damn it!" the bipedal brawler ranted as he led the way. "We've got _no_ chain of command! Nin, Bao, and Gyoro went to wake Master Moria forever ago, but we haven't heard anything from _any_ of them! And from what I've heard, Hogback's insisting that we all steer the hell clear of his dining room so that he can keep the 'guests' he has fooled, Perona and Absalom both just up and disappeared into thin air, _and no laughing!"_

"Wasn't gonna!" the painting hastily coughed out.

"Anyway…" the musclebuilder shook his head grimly. "Ryuma's trying to take command, but he's also itching to fight, so _that's_ no help. None of the other Generals have anywhere near as much clout as him, Hildon's never had to command so many of us at once, and there's the fact that there's _somebody_ in the damn manor slaughtering us wholesale!"

"Really? How are they doing it?"

"Nobody freaking knows!" The revenant threw his arms up in frustration. "They don't leave any survivors! All we know is that they're hitting them faster than they can react and that for _some_ reason they always leave one zombie standing so that they can realize they're screwed before salting _them_ too! It's totally frustrating!"

"…Uh, how would you know that if they're all purified?"

"Because every site I've been to, most of the zombies look like they just fell in place, but there's always the one zombie that looks terrified. It's not hard to figure out that they watched the rest fall, and had just enough time to panic before they lost their shadow, too!"

"So… you kinda mean like your situation now?"

"Eh? What the hell are you talking abou—?"

The zombie froze in his tracks. Then, very slowly, he turned around, and what little blood was in his face left it as he took in the Surprise Zombies he had roused, one and all, lying on the ground, truly lifeless. He started frantically looking around, one musclebound hand over his mouth and the other clenched into a fist, ready to deck whoever tried to—

"Ahem."

A quiet cough came from beneath him, and he looked down to see a frankly adorable little white fox sitting at his feet, looking up at him with its head tilted. He blinked in confusion.

"I'm a little over a foot long, tiny, and I'm far faster than you could ever hope to be," Su flatly stated. _"Run."_

If there was one good thing to be said about the situation, it was that that particular zombie wouldn't have to live with the shame of being terrified out of his wits by something smaller than one of his fists.

Instead, he chose to spend his final moments running like hell was on his heels, which… technically it was.

When he suddenly felt the rat's claws climbing up his back, the zombie screamed for help…

**_"_ ** **_BUT NO ONE CAME…"_ **

And then he felt something get shoved down his throat and all was oblivion.

Su eyed the still-cool corpse and hopped off of it before glancing up at the air. "Third time you've used that line. Reference?"

_"_ _Ohhh, you're just living what I like to call a…_ " Soundbite chuckled malevolently. **"Genocide Run."**

A minor sweatdrop hung from the back of Su's head at that. "Sounds… sinister."

_"_ _OHHH, IT IS, IT IS._ BUT FOR ONCE, **_I don't feel like a scumbag_** **FOR LISTENING IN! This is actually kinda fun!"**

"Heh, that's for sure!" Su snorted happily as she pounded one paw in the other. "I'm going through these clowns like Robin through Marine bones! It feels _nice_ to be doing this much damage!"

_"_ _Enjoy the dream,_ _ **mon ami,**_ _enjoy—_ EH? **Hang on a…"** Soundbite trailed off into silence for a second before 'tsk'ing in exasperation. "DAMN IT, THE ZOMBIES ARE **COORDINATING A FRONT, GOTTA** ** _BREAK THAT UP. You're gonna have_** _to go blind for a bit. SORRY."_

"Meh, fine by me, I'm getting good at this," Su waved her tail dismissively, even as she started padding back to the spider-tunnels. "Any parting advice?"

_"_ _Nah, you're—_ _ **OH, WAIT, ONE THING!**_ DID YA NOTICE THAT TOWER _FIVE FLOORS UP_ _ **and six corridors westwards?"**_

"Eh…" Su swished her tail thoughtfully as she started spelunking the wall's catacombs. "I think so, while I was in the north wing. What about it?"

_"_ _Don't go into it, OR ELSE."_

"Eh?" Su blinked in surprise, coming to a sudden halt. "'Or else' what?" She started to climb again, before suddenly slipping a foot when a flat, droning voice spoke bloody murder in her ear.

**_"_** ** _YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME…_** GOT IT?"

"Aheheh… yeah, got it…" Su shivered fearfully.

_"_ _Glad to hear it!"_ Soundbite said, his smile back in his voice. **"Have fun!"** And with that, the omnipotent voyeur's trademark electric whine snapped out of place.

The very instant she was out from under the vocal barrel, a mischievous smirk came across Su's muzzle and she made a beeline in a very specific direction. Six corridors west, and five floors up, and with only a few scant spider-mice in the way, she reached her destination no time at all.

Snickering eagerly, she pushed open a trapdoor that led up and into the tower's base - and then blinked in confusion at the hollowed out and, more importantly, _web-filled_ tube of stone.

"The heck…?" she mused as she slowly crawled up into the tower. "What is this place, the den of those rat-rachnids? Why the hell wouldn't Soundbite want me coming _here?_ I mean, psh, c'mon." She sat on her haunches and shrugged her forelegs with a shake of her head. "With the rate I've been tearing through those ratfinks, I doubt there are even over a dozen _left_ in this manor! C'mon, what's the big deal?"

"I believe that honor…" a silky-smooth voice purred above the cloud fox, causing a shiver to run up her suddenly ramrod-straight spine. "Would belong to _me."_

_Veeeeery_ slowly, Su tilted her head up and stared headlong into the twitching rictus-grin of the _far_ too literal spider-monkey that was hanging above her by its too-too-too many legs, as well as the dozen-or-so smaller but no less vicious grins that were crawling around it.

"Now, then," Tararan leered venomously. "What were you saying… about my _mice?"_

The rodent-rachnid hybrids skittering around their boss all tittered malevolently in agreement.

"Uhhh…"

Su was saved from having to answer by an electronic whine heralding her backup's return.

"OK, **_back in business, YOU MAY RESUME YOUR USUAL WORSHI—!"_** Soundbite choked off a sentence into his tirade and remained silent for a moment before sighing morosely. **"Dare I ask WHY?"**

"…I wanted the challenge?" Su weakly offered.

_"…_ _Ironically?_ THAT'S THE SAME JUSTIFICATION **MOST PEOPLE GIVE FOR** ** _THE GENOCIDE RUN."_**

Su's ear and tail drooped down miserably. "Ooooh _fuck me."_

Tararan's head all but split in half as he opened his mouth wide, unveiling a pair of twitching mandibles. **_"Gladly."_**

And with that, the beast wrenched its limbs free from the walls and allowed several metric tons of flesh and chitin to plummet towards the self-titled powder-fox.

"Yow!" Su yelped as she all but flung herself away from the falling spider-monkey-zombie, which slammed into where she'd been seconds before and kicked up a cloud of dust Skidding to a halt, she spared a half-second to glance over her shoulder before hastily shooting into motion as a titanic spider leg slammed clean through the brick she'd been standing on moments earlier.

**"** **Hahahahaha! That's it, little tunnel rat!"** Tararan cackled as he raised and slammed down another one of his legs, Su smoothly flowing around it. **"Run! Flee! You cannot escape!"** Another leg slammed down, and only a hasty pirouette saved the cloud fox from two superfluous new orifices.

"Wasn't planning to!" Su snarled, finally skidding behind the massive zombie and tensing her legs for a leap. That tension allowed her to jump _back_ when Tararan's massive rear slammed into the stonework, shattering it. "Are you _serious?!"_

**"** **Monkey monkey! I have no blind spots!"** the zombie bragged. **"But you are a quick little tunnel rat, aren't you."** Raising one of its hands, it snapped its fingers. **"Get 'er, boys."**

Gritting her teeth, Su jumped back right as a small web stuck itself to the stone, shooting a glare up at the spider-mice infesting the lines above her.

"Right, that's it, I'm sick of being target practice!" she snapped, dodging several more webs before hopping up onto one of the larger—and more importantly, _drier-looking_ —ones attached to the walls. "Time for a counterattack!"

One spider-mouse, too low to the ground, was salted immediately. The rest just cackled at her before shooting more webs. With the lines, it was easy to dodge them; it was _much_ harder to actually _get at_ the damn things. They were hopping around like chinchillas on speed, and despite her lofty words about counterattacks, it was all she could do to stay ahead of their webs.

**"** **Sticky Spider Net!"**

And that was _without_ the giga-sized asshole crawling around below her complicating her life!

Bending back on her hind legs in a move that would have done Neo proud, Su watched in slack-jawed amazement as a stream of webbing thicker than she was only just shot past her, sweeping three of the spider-mice with it.

"Right, gotta remember him, too…" she muttered. Then a thought occurred to her, and she eyed the chittering spider-mice above her, then Tararan. "I~de~a~!"

Hopping onto the web she'd identified, she tracked the spider mice readying their attack runs. Just needed to get them in the right spot, and—

"Hey, Tartarface!" she shouted down.

**"** **Monkey monkey! It's Tararan!"** the zombie in question snapped.

"Couldn't care less~!" Su sang back, idly spinning around another web. "Look, this has been bugging me this entire time: is that actually _your_ ass you're sporting, or do you just have a plus-sized beetle chewing on your—?"

Any further taunts were killed flat by a wave of killing intent flooding the room and freezing everyone in place.

**"** **You. Are.** ** _Dead,"_** Tararan chittered venomously, his mandibles twitching with ill-repressed desire to rip and shred.

Silence fell on the tower, the spider-mice shivering in terror… until said terror was aborted by seven shadows shooting up into the ceiling via Su flicking her paw at their slack jaws.

"Well, didn't quite get what I was planning for, but it's all working out so beautifully that I can't complain," Su sneered, her tail flickering again to bring up a visible gob of salt. "So. Shall we do this _properly_ this time?"

To her surprise and worry, Tararan's furious rictus-snarl melted into a sneer to match her own. **"Yessssss,** ** _let's."_**

Before Su could act, a chittering sound reached her ears, and she spun around to find the three spider-mice that Tararan had inadvertently webbed earlier on her six and puckering up to spit their webs.

"Ah, _shit,"_ Su groaned, right before all three hit, wrapping her up in a neat little ball that bounced off the wall and onto the floor. "Owww… Lemme guess… I forgot that spiders don't get stuck in their own webs?"

"Eeheehee, eeheehee!" the spider-mice danced around joyously as they reveled in their victory. Or, basically, over ganging up on a single Cloud Fox without any notable offensive capabilities.

Fingers like steel wrapped around her face and the cloud fox was lifted up and treated to a close-up view of Tararan's open gullet. Needless to say, it was _not_ a pretty sight.

"Dude. Whoever your dentist is, you need to—" Su began, before getting cut off by Tararan dropping her into his mouth and swallowing her wholesale.

**"** **Monkey** monkey… ah, blessed silence…" the spider-monkey-zombie sighed as he retracted his mandibles into his maw, the surviving spider-mice dancing around him in joyous exultation. That made the crash when their chieftain suddenly collapsed in a boneless heap all the deeper, his shadow-soul shooting out of his slack jaws.

A second after the astral embodiment escaped, Su hopped out as well, shaking herself down in order to dislodge what webbing remained stuck to her. "Honestly, now…" she sighed despondently. "Swallowing me whole like that, when my tail's weighing heavy with _salt?_ Unbelievable. I mean, really, apart from my bandanna, I'm _nude._ Where did he _think_ I was keeping this stuff, up my _ass?"_

"SOME PEOPLE JUST _really aren't smart_ _ **like that!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"Eeeyup…" Su sighed, casting a sidelong glance at the remaining spider-mice. Somehow, all three clenched up even more. "Oh, you're still here? Alright, then, who wants the salt first?"

The mice promptly shot away like their abdomens were on fire.

Su gave them a little time to run before allowing a smirk to cross her muzzle. "I might be the first fox anywhere in the history of ever to say this…"

She then shot after the mice in a blur of white.

"But, oh, how I _love_ the hunt!"

**-o-**

"She took down Tararan on her own?!"

That would probably be the only time ever that Hogback and I spoke in perfect unison.

"IF BY TARARAN _you mean the uber-sized double-exterminator package, THEN YUP!"_ Soundbite grinned from eyestalk to eyestalk, specifically directing his leer at Hogback. **"Dunno where you got those** ** _brains of his, but I SUGGEST GETTING YOUR_** **MONEY BACK! HEEHEEHEE** _HOOHOOHOOhahaha!"_

"Yay, Su!" Conis pumped her fists enthusiastically, a massive grin on her face. "Good for her, I'm happy she's having fun!"

"In a… zombie-filled… haunted manor…" Usopp reiterated slowly.

_That_ earned him an oblivious look from our gunner. "Yes, what's your point?"

Usopp worked his jaw for a second before slumping with a sigh of defeat. "Sometimes I miss the days when the world made sense, I really, really do…"

Hogback, meanwhile, remained frozen, staring back at the snail with a gaping mouth before slowly jerking his eyes forward, his fearful shivering redoubling. "This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be—!"

"Save some of that fear and terror for Chopper, Hoggy," Lassoo chuffed even as he kept his nose pointed in the air, sniffing for any traces of necrotized flesh coming our way. "Seriously, if you thought you were crazy _before—?"_

"I am _not_ crazy!" Hogback snarled, life actually flowing back in him. "I am not and have never _been_ anything less than the absolute _picture_ of mental health! It is a legitimate fact proven, by a symposium of scientists the world over that I myself was a part of, that doctors are _incapable_ of suffering from the pedestrian affliction recognized as 'going mad'! The word you're looking for in _my_ field is 'medical genius'! And you can see the proof of it for yourself, right behind these—"

**"** **I think…"**

We all froze as a chilling voice cut in, and watched with varying levels of trepidation as a titan of fur and fury walked out from behind an upcoming doorframe.

**"** **That your conclusion could use some independent scrutiny,"** a very heavy Heavy Point Chopper growled, glaring syringes into Hogback's by-now sweat-coated spectacles.

"Ugugugugugugugugu— _GURK!"_ The surgeon's sputtering was choked off by Chopper's fist clamping down onto the folds of his throat and lifting him into the air.

**"** **Let's see if you still stand by your opinion once I'm through with you, HOGBACK,"** our crewmate spat in his _ex-_ idol's waxy face.

_"_ _Damn, dude…"_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"This is the first time I've ever actually used this word," Robin murmured with a slightly taken-aback look. "But ditto."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's freaky as all hell, we get that, we already know that from extreme personal experience…"

I glanced to the side and caught sight of the TDWS shifting around uncomfortably, their tails all twitching with ill-repressed eagerness.

"But now that he's got his pincushion, can we _go_ already!?" Leo pleaded desperately.

I shot a slight smirk at the dugongs. "Eager to get to the battlefront, I take it?"

"THERE IS AN ARMY OF _ZOMBIES_ OUT THERE _AND WE'RE NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF FIGHTING IT!"_ Mikey burst out, steam all but howling from where his ears would be. "DO YOU _SEE_ HOW THE NATURAL ORDER IS BEING PERVERTED HERE!?"

I snickered at the reaction before deciding to do them the favor of jabbing my thumb over my shoulder. "Alright, alright, at ea—!"

_"_ _THAT'S CONSENT, GOGOGO!"_

"—Gwah!?" I transitioned into a yelp of shock when I was nearly bowled over by the quarter's freaking _slipstream!_ It was only Robin's hasty intervention that prevented me from falling on my ass.

"Tenacious little devils, aren't they?" she chuckled.

I took a moment to get my bearings back on track, a chuckle escaping my lips. "And we wouldn't have them any other way. And _speaking_ of mentally unsound crewmates, hey Chopper!" I was actually quite proud of myself for not flinching when he transitioned a fraction of his glare from Hogback's sweat-soaked face. "Don't mean to break your buzz here, but I think the roll you're on is _epic,_ seriously. I just wanted to let you know… don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Uh…" Lassoo raised a paw uncertainly. "Isn't that kind of… _superfluous,_ considering your whole… 'Spandam episode'?"

My grin took on a decidedly blood-laden overtone. "I stand by every word I just said."

Hogback's whimpering intensified as Chopper, Lassoo, and Robin matched my grin, and that was the last I saw before our doctor started dragging him away by his neck, the doors to the lab's stairwell ominously slamming shut behind him.

There was a moment of silence before, naturally…

"ALRIGHT, THEN!"

Soundbite broke it with a bang.

_"_ _Break out your parkas, kiddies, BECAUSE OUR_ _NEXT DESTINATION IS NONE OTHER_ _ **than Freezer 900!"**_

**-o-**

The events that would one day be published as the first-and-final war of Thriller Bark continued to rage before the mansion where the masters of the island dwelled. No zombie on Thriller Bark was inactive now; the Generals were being roused, and every other cadaver was assembling to fend off the infamous Straw Hat Pirates.

The fight seemed even as it was; for all that the invaders knew the zombies' weakness, the ones who weren't smart enough to guard their mouths were long since purified, and the remainder were putting up a decent fight. On the other hand, for all that the zombies were impervious to pain, they were quite simply only able to stand against the pirates because of their superior numbers.

Yet, for all of the warring, two figures moved through the crowd, not attempting to strike any combatants. Likewise, none of the combatants attempted to strike them. They moved unimpeded, side-by-side, towards the dead center of the fight. A point where another similarly uninvolved figure was approaching, walking at a perfectly leisurely stroll.

The reason that nobody was attempting to attack either of the noncombatants was simple: neither pirate nor zombie had any desire whatsoever to interfere with three of the most infamous swordsmen known to Thriller Bark, whether they were on the same side or _not_.

Zoro stayed a few steps back as Brook stood across from the zombie who bore his shadow, regarding him with the most polite of impassiveness. Ryuma, in turn, did nothing besides granting the skeleton the honor of his full attention. For an endless minute, all they did was stare at each other, their lack of eyes doing nothing to ease the tension that was driving all of their allies and enemies alike away from them.

Finally, Ryuma broke the scene when he tilted his head _ever_ so slightly to the side. "Yohoho…one more time, then, old boy?" the past-and-present samurai breathed quietly.

Brook stood still for a few seconds longer before slowly reaching up and drawing the brim of his top hat down over his eyes. "When we last met, my mind was awhirl with emotion. I let my grief and my desperation cloud my intuition as a swordsman. I see now what I could not then: that while you might hold my skills in spirit… in flesh, you far surpass me. And so, I concede any battles I might fight with you…"

The gentleman skeleton raised his head and glared at the samurai with defiant resolve. "But I _refuse_ to end my fight here," he growled, heat flaring in his every word. "Rather, I choose to take the option that was robbed of me so many years ago: I started this fight and I have done all that I can…"

"Meaning that now," Zoro spoke up solemnly, stepping forward as he tied his bandanna around his head. "It's my turn."

Brook's demeanor promptly lightened up, and he gave the closest approximation to a sunny smile he could. "Ah, yes, and for the record, while I appreciate your help, the fact remains that you're my very last hope in the whole wide world for escaping this hell with my pride as a swordsman, so if you lose, I'm going to haunt you until well after you die."

Zoro scoffed as he drew both Kitetsu III and the _seriously_ old, yet equally ready, katana he'd found on the Rumbars' ship. "So, no pressure, then."

"Exactly!"

Zoro rolled his eyes a final time, before turning them on Ryuma. His swords remained at his side, relaxed, and yet his guard was ironclad. Ryuma, for his part, betrayed nothing, and after several tense seconds under Zoro's gaze he tilted his head back and chuckled.

"Yohohoho! I feel like some tremendous predator is sizing me up! It feels almost…" The cadaver tilted his head to his side. "Familiar."

Drawing his sword, Ryuma threw his head back and outright _laughed_. "Yohohoho! I accept this battle!"

The samurai had scarcely finished speaking before Kitetsu and the old katana swung in, held at just the right length to bisect him at the neck and just below the breastbone, Wado sneaking in at the shoulder level. A black blade, a wavy water pattern decorating it, flashed up, halting the swords.

It could not, however, halt the momentum of Zoro's swing. Despite bracing, Ryuma was sent skidding to the side, though his guard remained raised.

This was a good thing, as Zoro crossed his arms, blades pointed outward with their points nearly touching. "Bull…" he growled, before sprinting forward. "Needles!"

To an outside observer, the sudden flip the swordsman went through as his blades met Ryuma's would have seemed like magic. Zoro, though, saw the truth: the zombie's black blade slipping between his, milliseconds before they would have stabbed him, and spinning. It was, essentially, a judo move with a sword, and as he landed, Zoro felt his respect for both the opponent in front of him and the owner of the shadow fueling said opponent go up a notch.

He had no time to think more on that, though, for Ryuma was on him, black blade thrusting forward to be caught on his crossed swords. Zoro made to counterattack, but the zombie withdrew himself, planting his other hand on the hilt and then double-tapping both Kitetsu and the old blade in a move that was both soft and delicate, and yet brought all the force of a hammer.

_'_ _Damn, a sword-breaking technique!'_ he realized just a second too late. Kitetsu rang from the abuse, but held; the uppity-old-timer in his _other_ hand, however… well, suffice to say he went out with a bang.

"Yohohoho!" Ryuma chuckled at the look on Zoro's face. "I'm terribly sorry, I know it's not sporting, but I just have this feeling, you see! My instincts, they're telling me that if I hold _anything_ back against you, then I shall surely perish! Yohohoho~!"

Neither of the combatants noticed Brook clamping his hands on his jawbone to refrain from saying 'But you're already dead.' The inattentiveness on Zoro's part was due to him recalling that Cross mentioned that this zombie came from the New World. Which meant…

"…Does that mean you're going to be using… what was it called… Haki?" Zoro asked with a grimace.

"Haki?" Ryuma parroted, his head tilting to the side. "I've heard rumors, but I'm afraid I cannot use it myself."

Zoro spared a glance over his shoulder at the fight's observer before heaving a sigh. "…I see," he mused, reaching up to Wado. "Well, in that case—!"

_"_ _Catch!"_

Acting on instinct, Zoro snapped his hand out and easily snatched a sword with a very familiar pair of tusks on its hilt out of the air.

"Sorry to butt in like this," Funkfreed vibrated in his palm. "And I know I'm not _exactly_ the katana you're used to, which is why you're not using Brook's, but I've got a strong will and… and… and c'mon, this is a fight between two master swordsmen! A once-in-a-wielder's lifetime opportunity! I couldn't resist! Please let me fight!"

"My word, that sword is talking!" Ryuma exclaimed.

Ignoring the zombie's outburst, Zoro silently hefted Funkfreed a few times, before slipping back into his original relaxed stance. "Don't transform, or I'll throw you away, even if it kills me."

"Wouldn't even if you paid me…" the Zoan-blade breathed euphorically. "I wouldn't miss this for all the peanuts in the world."

That done, Zoro turned his gaze back to Ryuma. "Alright, thanks for letting me sort this out. Shall we get back to it?"

"Hold a moment," the samurai said, holding out a hand. "After that display, I believe I owe you…" He reached up to grip the collar of his scarf. "A courtesy of my own."

There was an immediate reaction to the samurai grabbing his neckwear, but it wasn't from him, and it wasn't from Zoro or Brook either. Rather…

"OH, CRAP, RUN!"

It was from his fellow zombies, who, content up until now with merely keeping their distance and observing as they fought the enemy pirates, were running away from the fight as though their undead asses were on fire.

"OUTTA THE WAY, OUTTA THE WAY!"

"WATCH YOUR HEADS!"

"RYUMA'S GOING ALL-OUT! HEAD FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!"

Brook whipped his head to-and-fro, watching in confusion as the zombies retreated with extreme prejudice, the rest of the Straw Hats and the Rolling Pirates hot on their tails, leaving nobody else around to witness the fight. "What on earth…?"

"You'll have to forgive them," Ryuma hummed as he tugged his scarf down. The action drew the undivided attention of his opponent, as it unveiled a knot of surgical thread that was taut against his throat. "More than a few of them have been the victims of… _unfortunate mishaps_ whenever I do this."

Zoro tensed as his instincts _screamed_. "'This' being…?" he grit out.

Ryuma stilled, his lipless grin turning _feral._ "Why… whenever I go all-out, of course."

And without further ado, Ryuma grabbed a thread of the knot and _yanked,_ pulling it undone and letting the lines loose.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, streams of dark _ooze_ began seeping out of his body. Arms, legs, torso, all bled profusely with _something_ that was clearly not healthy and just as clearly not organic. The flow lasted less than a minute, but it made the display no less disturbing.

Brook's hyoid bounced fearfully as he took in the desecration of his shadow's vessel. "W-What on _earth—!?"_

"Hahahaha! Ahhhh, _yes!"_ Brook jumped in shock when Ryuma suddenly barked with laughter, swinging his torso left and right in obvious stretching motions. "Ooooh, this feels so good! I haven't felt this light in a long time! Now, then!" He eagerly held his blade up. "Just to be sure…"

The zombie-samurai swung his blade out, and all three of the Straw Hats stiffened in shock and (even a little bit on Zoro's part) fear as their battlefield suddenly became _devoid_ of all traces of fog.

"Ahhh…" Ryuma's sigh as he leaned his forehead against the back of his blade was almost euphoric. " _Much_ better…"

The Straw Hats all stared at the display before them. Then, Funkfreed whispered a single word, in a whisper that was equal parts terrified and exhilarated.

_"_ _Lead."_

"Indeed…" Ryuma chuckled grimly, cracking his neck back and forth. "A precautionary measure Doctor Hogback implemented in me after the… third, I think? The third time I sliced a tower in half while practicing. Everyone was tired of cleaning up after me, so they decided that I'd be better off weighted down. I'm only ever allowed to truly let loose when I have the need, and for _once…"_

A glint entered Ryuma's socket as he fell into a positively _masterful_ ready-position.

_"_ _I have it…"_ the revenant breathed.

As Brook's already bone-white complexion grew even paler, Zoro's already eager grin became downright _feral,_ easily matching Ryuma's. _"Interesting."_

This time, Zoro waited for the attack to come. He wasn't disappointed; Ryuma _blurred_ out of existence. Spinning around, he planted Funkfreed in the ground, black blade slamming into him an instant later. Rearing back, Zoro stabbed forward with Kitetsu, only for Ryuma to vanish again, blurring back into existence behind his opponent.

"Zo—"

That was as far as Brook got before Zoro leaned his head back, catching the black blade on Wado Ichimonji. With his opponent at least briefly locked, he pulled Funkfreed out of the dirt and spun, Kitetsu joining the Zoan blade.

"Hawk Wave!"

Ryuma jumped over the sweeping steel and the razor-sharp wind they created, his sword sliding off of Zoro's and carving a thin line on his cheek. The zombie landed, Zoro swung back upright, and then they charged, blades clashing and locking like a pair of bull elephants in full musth, the shockwave kicking up dirt and dust around them.

"Incredible…" Brook breathed.

"Impressive," Zoro grunted, before glancing at the sword in Ryuma's hands. "Now I recognize that sword: that's the black blade, the dragon-slayer Shusui." His eyes narrowed, seeming to come to a decision. "You're holding my sword."

"Hmm?" Ryuma's socket blinked, and then he stiffened in realization, narrowing it as he angled his Shusui so that it glinted in the battle-light. "Oho… so, this is _your_ sword, is it?"

The shadows of Zoro's bandana seemed to tint pitch-black, and his eyes shone like hot coals in the gloom. "Damn right it is."

"Hmph. Well, if that's the case…" Breaking the lock, Ryuma leaped back, holding his blade in a basic kendo stance. **"Come and take it."**

With that, some sort of energy, in the kind of light blue of tropical seas and the hottest of flames, flared to life around the zombie. For a moment, the energy was just that: energy, wild and untamed, but then it started to take _form._ And the form it took…

Brook's jaw nearly dislocated with how low it dropped. "I-I don't believe my eyes…" he whispered.

Was that of a _dragon._ A 'mere' shade of one, perhaps, but a dragon nonetheless. Specifically, the energy coalesced into a positively _colossal_ eastern dragon, whose bulk remained coiled and writhing in the sky while its head bowed down to earth, bowed down to _Ryuma_. The swordsman was still visible through the spectre's form, but the abyssal blade, Shusui, was indistinguishable from the titanic obsidian tusk that formed the dragon's underbite.

**"** **One Sword Style,"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ intoned imperiously, the air thrumming with his voice, his voice thrumming with pure _power._ **"Dragon Fang Stance."**

Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ raised his blade high _(coiled to strike)._ **"Prepare yourself, Roronoa Zoro!"**

It didn't take a genius to see the implications, and Zoro was moving even before Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ swung his blade down _(lashed out like lightning)_.

**"** **Dragon** **_(Heaven)_ ****Slayer!"**

It was a good thing Zoro was moving before the attack was completed, as the strike of the dragon was almost _instant_. And the impact… well, it wasn't so much an 'impact' born of the corporeal world as it was a force of almost _cosmic_ proportions. A whole tract of earth just… _ceased to be._

The fact that a goodly chunk of the forest was missing too was concerning as well, yes, but as Zoro observed the scar on the earth, couldn't help but feel like he was missing _something_ crucial.

**"** **My apologies, swordsman…"**

Zoro snapped his attention over to Ryuma _(The re-coiled Dragon)_ and blinked in confusion when he realized the opposing swordsman was staring skyward for some reason.

**"** **But I simply could not help myself…"** the samurai _(dragon)_ continued, his tone wistful.

With the undead swordsman apparently not going to attack for the moment, Zoro followed his line of sight. What he saw left him frozen. "No way…" he choked out.

Overcome with his _own_ curiosity, Brook followed his fellow swordsman's gaze, but his befuddlement persisted, head tilted to the side. "What are you all looking at? All I see is a beautiful night sky." He stared skyward a moment longer before a sheen of cold sweat somehow shone on his bony brow. "Wait a second…"

**"** **Habit…"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ sighed longingly as he watched the swath of stars shining down on them. **"Such an iron-wrought thing, no?"**

"You make a habit of slashing the _sky_ open?!" Zoro bit out.

"Forget the sky!" Brook shrieked in terror. "He cut clean through the whole of the _Florian!"_

**"** **Well, that technique** ** _was_** **developed for slaying dragons[-]. It only makes sense that it would be able to reach the sky, no?"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ chuckled as the fog closed back up again. **"I'm quite proud to say that not one of my prey ever survived…** ** _and neither shall you."_**

"Tch!" Zoro grunted as he snapped his attention back to his opponent, who was rearing back for another strike. "108 Caliber Phoenix!"

The attack roared in to strike Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ , but aura or not, the samurai _(dragon)_ was just as fast, and neatly sidestepped _(weaved around)_ the razor wind so that it carried on into the distance.

**"** **A bird daring to stand up against a dragon[-]?** ** _Foolishness!"_** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ scoffed. **"Let me show you how it's** ** _really_** **done! Dragon** ** _(Heaven)_** **Slayer!"**

The dragon rent the heavens again, Zoro only just managing to dodge by grace of a frantic dive and roll, and the second he was on his feet he was sprinting towards his opponent. Unfortunately, while closing the distance between him and his opponent was an undeniable necessity, it had the unfortunate side effect of leaving him with a lot of forward momentum that made dodging the _next_ strike all but impossible.

So with dodging unfeasible, the only option left…

"Demon…" Zoro snarled, crossing his arms and blades across his chest, a shadowy cloaked figure shimmering into view behind him. "Oni Giri!"

Was to counter with the best he had.

**_CLANG!_ **

Zoro barely withheld a sigh of relief even as, for only the second time in his life, the 'best he had' was utterly repelled. Thankfully, his ego was kept from bruising on account of how holding off a heaven-rending strike from a world-class swordsman was far less humiliating than his first experience, but there were two undeniable problems with this minor victory.

First, the recoil of his survival left him _wide_ open. And second, Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ was suddenly _directly in his face._

**"** **Dragon[-] topples demon,"** the zombie _(Dragon)_ intoned grimly. **_"Fall."_**

Shusui swung up, the dragon following, and the beast _engulfed_ Zoro, launching him up into the sky as it rent the Florian fog once again. Brook couldn't help but gape in horror as, moments after the dragon swooped back down to earth, a blur of a form plummeted towards the ground like a biological meteor. It was on the way down that the extent of Zoro's damage became apparent.

Small burns and cuts decorated the swordsman's body like a macabre wall pattern, dripping blood that flowed in thin streams. His shirt, naturally, was hanging in tatters, and his pants weren't in good condition, either. It was his eyes, though, that were the worst: they'd rolled up into the back of his head, leaving only the whites visible.

But, just before reaching the ground, a curious thing happened: Zoro's eyes suddenly snapped back into focus, and he flipped in midair, managing to stick a three-point landing before painfully pulling himself to his full height.

"I am getting…" Zoro growled out painfully. _"Fucking tired_ of losing my damn shirts…"

"Oh, my _…"_ Brook gaped in awe.

**"** **Hmph… you're quite impressive,"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ snorted with no small amount of respect.

"And you're annoying," Zoro snarled.

**"** **I beg your pardon?"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ cocked his brow in confusion.

"You're holding back," Funkfreed called out. "You can say what you want, but Shusui's too proud to lie. He's only holding back because you're not letting him go all-out."

**"…** **is it wrong to want a good battle to last as long as possible?"** Ryuma _(Dragon)_ intoned softly.

"It is," Zoro grunted as he slowly fell into his ready-stance, his arms crossed over his chest again. "When I can _take it."_

Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ stared silently at him before slowly sheathing his blade _(drawing back, flames roiling in his maw)_. **"On your head be it."**

And with that, he slowly slid his left foot forward, leaning forward onto it while his other shoulder faced his opponent, his hand hovering inches from the hilt _(coils writhed and snapped in the sky, muscles, and tendons tensing and untensing like a wave of flesh)_.

All Brook could do was hold his breath as the tension slowly but steadily ramped into an almost _tangible_ howl, the wind thrashing and clashing between the two swordsmen. Until finally, Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ moved first.

**"** **Dragon** **_(Heaven)_ ****[GOD] Slayer."**

This time, Brook couldn't see the attack at all, it was so fast. All he saw was a flash of light. And then, when the spots cleared from his vision, the manse of Thriller Bark was illuminated by the veil of moonlight that shone upon it.

This feat was made possible by the fact that an entire _hemisphere_ of Florian mist had been eviscerated in the strike, even taking the topmost parts of the manor's tallest towers along with it.

Brook was not _quite_ as distressed from this development as he would normally be, though, on account of how the manor had been behind Ryuma for the duration of the fight.

As Brook parsed this development, the dust settled and the two fighters became visible again.

There was just an instant of Zoro possessing six arms and three faces, so brief Brook almost believed he'd imagined it, that faded into him merely holding one sword pointed out. And Ryuma…

Well… there was simply no way to sugarcoat matters: the zombie was currently missing about, oh, _half_ his torso. The revenant was barely standing, and Shusui was only just hanging in his remaining outstretched hand.

**"** **Im…** impressive…" Ryuma wheezed, swaying on his feet as he slowly adopted a more at ease stance. His breath was no doubt scarce due to his lacking one of his lungs. "To turn my own attack on me… with interest, no less… masterful… but that form… the Asura, yes? I thought they were… creatures of destruction?"

Zoro chuckled, tinged with his own pain as he removed Wado from his mouth and started sheathing both it and Kitetsu, as well as dropping Funkfreed so he could stand on his own legs. "Common mistake. Two castes of Asura, one good and one bad. Vritra Stance is for offense, while what you just experienced was Varuna Stance."

"Counterattacks and defense… impressive…" Ryuma chuckled breathlessly. "If you have not named that attack yet… might I request… you utilize the term 'Samsara'? I believe…" His empty gaze grew slightly fond. "I have just experienced the truth of it…"

Zoro nodded solemnly. "I will."

"Glad… to hear it… ah, yes…" He held up Shusui. "He is yours, of course. But if I may… say my goodbyes?"

The Pirate Hunter didn't even hesitate to nod solemnly.

Ryuma nodded back before slowly turning his gaze to Brook. "I apologize…" he breathed somberly. "For my transgressions against you. My actions when last we met were… inexcusable."

Brook stared at him for a second before gripping his top hat and bowing his head. "And yet I forgive you anyway," Brook whispered. "In spite of the circumstances…" He slowly raised his head and looked Ryuma in his empty eyes. "I am _proud_ that of all the bodies on this island, my shadow was granted the honor of giving the greatest samurai in the history of Wano, if not the _world,_ a second lease on life."

The Humming Swordsman drew his blade and raised it in salute. "Sir, it has been a _privilege."_

Ryuma nodded shakily, then turned his gaze away and upward, towards the moon. The samurai regarded the silver disk in silence even as the fog slowly started to encroach on the heavens again, falling to his knees. Twin streams of tears welled from the corpse's empty eyes, glinting in the moonlight.

"After five long years of darkness… to see the heavens one last time…" he whispered.

After a minute more of contemplation, Ryuma slowly turned his attention downward and traced Shusui's blade in the dirt, running it through the by now salt-laden soil of the battlefield. And then, once he was satisfied, he held his grim blade out at arm's length and flipped it in his palm, so that Shusui's tip rested on his stomach.

"Hear my last request," Ryuma spoke up a final time, his voice unwavering and full of strength. "When you reach the shores of Wano, and they see your black blade, tell them this! Both times…"

Ryuma tilted his head back and sucked in a deep breath before bellowing to the heavens.

"I, RYUMA OF WANO, LIVED A GOOD LIFE!"

And with his last vestiges of strength, he shoved his blade up to the hilt in his stomach and jerked it to the side.

Almost exactly as the Florian devoured the final slivers of moonlight, Brook's shadow silently slid cleanly from the corpse's side, an aged hand fell from the hilt it had been gripping…

And so Ryuma of Wano died for the second time.

**-o-**

I stayed frozen at the dance hall's window a moment longer, staring outside in numb shock before slowly turning to face an equally astounded Robin. We both continued to gape before I got my wits about me and snapped my fingers before Soundbite, which shook _him_ out of his own shock and got him to do his duty.

"…So," I choked out. Hesitantly. "Anyone want to explain to me how the _hell_ I just caught sight of a beam of flipping _moonlight_ when this island is supposed to be _perpetually covered in fog?"_

_"_ _Oh, oh, I can answer that, Cross!"_

I blinked in befuddlement as I processed the voice I just heard. It sounded half like Disney's mascot mouse and half like what I had heard the one time I let morbid curiosity overcome my good sense and I asked Soundbite to play what he heard of Nami's candlelit dinner with her gold.

Both the combination and the latter were… _deeply_ disturbing.

"And the answer would be…?" I trailed off in dread.

_"_ _I was actually a part of it! Suffice to say that Zoro's duel with Ryuma and the conclusion were_ supremely _epic. Ah,"_ Funkfreed blinked in realization. _"We won, by the way, just in case I wasn't clear on that."_

"YES!" I pumped my fist in triumphant relief. "That's two major birds with one big-ass stone; one of the strongest Zombies on the island's back at peace, and Brook has his shadow back now," I clarified to my confused companions, eliciting grins from them. Then I returned my attention to my conversation. "Aaand going by your euphoric tone, I'm guessing you had fun?

"Literally _the most fun I've had in my entire life!"_ Funkfreed laughed ecstatically. _"Put it this way, Cross: That fight_ mooore _than made up for all the wasted years I spent with Spandam. So… thank you, Cross, for giving me this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."_

My gut promptly felt like it'd taken a straight-jab dead center. "…aaaand cue the guilt trip that you got that feeling from fighting with Zoro and not me." I dragged my hand down my face with a groan. "Mrgh… Make it up to you in days to come by letting you hardline sword-form even when we _aren't_ in the middle of a fight?"

_"_ _Deal!"_ Funkfreed trumpeted eagerly. _"Though for now, I'll remain autonomous a while longer. 'Cause in the end, it really doesn't matter to me whether I'm going at it hybrid or_ au natural, _so long as I can be in the center of the brawl!"_

_"_ _Yeah, yeah, good for you,"_ Zoro grunted off-handedly, his distraction no doubt stemming from examining his new ally-in-war. _"So, anything else you need us to do?"_

"Nah, nah," I waved him off dismissively. "Just go ahead and hitch a ride on Funkfreed and head back to the main brawl. Our work isn't done until every zombie on this island has been purified, or at least the vast majority before we wake Moria up so that he can be _forcibly_ put down. I'm working on neutralizing the last major threat on the island, but I'll be heading your way as soon as that's done, so be ready, Funkfreed."

_"_ _No problem, Cross!"/"Got it."_

"Perfect," I nodded in satisfaction. Once, the call dropped, I grinned from ear to ear and faced my comrades. "Now, then! Where were we exactly?"

"Right about here."

_CLONK!_

"Gah, what the—!?" I flinched as Usopp plopped a… classic yellow-with-black-cross hardhat on my head?

I blinked at both my own headwear and the identical one my sniper was wearing before giving Usopp a funny look. "You carry spare hardhats with you?"

Usopp returned my look with just as much confusion, if not more. "You mean you don't?"

I opened my mouth to answer, and promptly clicked it shut as I found myself lacking a valid answer. "Fair 'nuff… alright, then!" I popped a thumbs-up at my partner and our gunner. "Soundbite, mute. Conis, let 'er rip!"

Soundbite's grin stretched wide, and all noise outside of the hall's borders was promptly eliminated. "WE'RE CLEAR!"

Conis popped us all a thumbs-up before focusing on the control-box in her hand, which had wires leading from it to several bundles that lined the edge of the freezer's vault-like door. "Fire in the—!" Conis was cut off as she pushed the plunger—

**_KRA-BOOM!_ **

And the door's hinges were blown clean off its frame. The door itself stood a few moments longer. At least, until Lassoo trotted up and poked it with his nose, causing the hunk of metal to keel over with a cavernous moan and a resounding _THUNK!_

Robin cocked an eyebrow at Conis as she removed her hardhat from her Stetson. "'Hole', I presume?"

Conis smiled beatifically as she handed the control box back to Usopp. "'Haunted mansion', actually!"

"Ah, of course, of course."

"No time for a horse, let's go!" I crowed, tossing my own hat back to Usopp and jogging ahead into the hallway.

I was immediately grateful for the running start because the mere _concept_ of trying to inch my way into the chilling air that filled the hallway was frigid in itself.

"Brrr!" Usopp shivered as he ran after me, rubbing his arms with an almost desperate kind of franticness. "I knew the people who lived here were cold-blooded, but this is ridiculous!"

"Only the best for number 900, Usopp!" I informed him as I kept myself moving, unwilling to give my blood time to freeze. "Moria didn't want to so much as _risk_ his crowning achievement becoming compromised!"

"Yeah, about that…" Lassoo panted, shooting me a quizzical look as he kept pace. "You haven't told us what this '900' guy is _like_ yet. I mean, you've said before that he's the strongest corpse here, but what separates him from the other zombies? Is he super-enhanced compared to the others, is he a chimaera of species, does he have a Devil Fruit, what?"

**"** **Size,"** Soundbite responded grimly. _"HE'S THE STRONGEST_ THROUGH SHEER _size."_

"So…" Conis started uncertainly. "He's a giant then?"

I nodded my head to the side, grimacing. "Well, he's _giant,_ I'll give you that much _._ "

That earned me a blink of confusion from the angel. "Uh… why are you putting it like—?"

Conis suddenly cut herself off dead. No gasp, no choked off garble, no nothing. Just… silence.

It was like that for each and every last one of us. One second noise and motion, the next utter stillness, none of us even daring to breathe. Why, you ask? Simple.

Because we'd just entered Freezer No. 900. And what stood, what _towered_ above us was, was… _so far_ beyond normal description.

Up until that point, I'd been content to label Oars as a 'mega-giant', a giant's giant because, well… that was all I really knew him as. But now… now I knew better.

Now I'd seen him in the actual flesh, seen his horns, pillars of pure bone towering above me. Now I'd seen his bulk, this… this… this _wall_ of patchwork flesh stretching out before me and disappearing below. Now I'd seen something once-living whose size could only be measured in units applicable to _maps._

Honestly, it was the freezer that _really_ told the true story. It was just… a _pit._ A pit of darkness and cold and death. There has only ever been _one_ name for any creature that has dwelled in such a pit.

"Titan…" I breathed, my voice equal parts terrified and reverential.

"He was going to fight Kaido…" Robin whispered numbly. "With _this?"_

It took all I had to shake my head. "Other way around. He needed _this_ to fight _Kaido."_

Lassoo licked his chops nervously before raising his hackles. "Existential crises later, making sure that this thing never has the chance to wake up _now."_

"Only one problem with that, Lassoo…" Usopp swallowed heavily. "How the hell do we kill something _that's already dead!?"_

**_"_** **_Allow me to elucidate!"_**

I jerked out of my stupefaction as for _once_ I was actually grateful to hear the Sound of Madness. "Chopper," I sighed in relief. "I take it you found Hogback's blueprints for his _pièce de résistance?"_

**_"_** ** _Blueprints nothing, he outlined it perfectly before I could even touch him in an effort to save his own skin,"_** Chopper snorted dismissively, donning a vicious leer. **_"Not that it did him much good. Eheheheeeeeh…"_**

I allowed a single shiver to travel down my spine before refocusing. "Soooo I take it by the fact that you're calling us, you have a way to make this rotting husk double-dead?"

**_"_ ** **_Deader than even that. Doesn't matter how big or small the organism; if it suffers the fate I have outlined, not even the mightiest of Devil Fruits could revive it! It's genius genius_ ** **GENIUS!"**

I shot a glare at Soundbite, who leered tauntingly. _"Don't look at me~!"_

I gave a disgruntled huff and rolled my eyes before glancing skyward. "Aaaand I don't suppose that the method for bringing about this 'fate' of yours is easy and painless for us to complete?"

Chopper's mad ramblings promptly died, and there was a moment of silence before he started chuckling nervously in his _own_ voice. _"Eheheh… weeeeell…"_

"Oh, dear…" Robin sighed, though the smile she was wearing told a whole different story.

"Just get it over with," I dragged my hand down my face with a groan.

"Oh, come on, Cross!" Conis piped up with her usual cheer. "We do this, however uncomfortable, and we're all good! How bad—!" Credit to Conis, her hand was clamped over her mouth by the time I turned around, and she even had the wherewithal to chuckle sheepishly as she removed it. "Ah… sorry, forgot for a second there. Doesn't count if you didn't say the whole thing?"

_"_ _Yeah, see, here's the thing about that…"_

And so Chopper relayed his plan to us. It was a good plan, a detailed plan, a well-thought-out and _logical_ plan… but there was just ooone problem with it.

A problem that led Conis and me to exchange sickly grimaces and speak the following words as one:

"This is going to _suck…"_

**-o-**

"Lightning Bolt Tempo!"

_ZAP!_

"Kill-stealer!" Boss barked out a laugh as the zombie he'd been about to pummel was suddenly blasted away by a bolt of lightning. "But eh, so long as you're _here—"_ He shot a pumped-up thumbs-up at the shipbound team as they charged onto the battlefield. "Glad to have you!"

"Glad to _be_ here, Boss," Nami snarled through a nearly bestial grin, her crackling and tempestuous halo sending many a zombie running, albeit without much luck.

"Boss, what's the status report so far?" Vivi asked, balancing on Carue's back with one hand while spinning a salt-crusted Lion Cutter in the other.

"Eh, the battle ebbs and flows." Boss glanced at the frontline with an analytical look. "We make pushes and knock 'em down, even manage to salt a few, but then they push back and grab the downed ones away and patch them up so that they can fight again. The main issue here is exhaustion, namely that we get it and they _don't._ We've been cycling well enough, but…" Boss trailed off for a second, blinking his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Anyway, yeah, we're, ah… starting to feel ten minutes of straight fighting hitting us… I mean sure, 'Nightmare Luffy' has been helping us hold the line…"

"But I'm not hearing that 'but' in your voice, am I?" Merry questioned despondently (or as despondently as a person could be when bashing one zombie over the skull with another).

_"_ _But…"_ Boss grit out as the blue behemoth leading their charge suddenly jerked to a stop and essentially _disintegrated_ into a geyser of umbral anima. And a mere twenty seconds later, there was their captain, hunched forward on his knees. "It looks like our damn time using him is up, meaning that it's gonna be a _slog_ from here on out." A sweatdrop hung from his shell as the zombies surged forward with a roar. "Soooo that's the bad news—!"

"BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS!"

_KRA-KOOM!_

Without warning, the zombie-charge was suddenly _blasted_ apart from the inside out, sending _dozens_ of the undead sprawling and the rest reeling in shock.

"FOR WE!" Leo barked confidently, leading the TDWS in maintaining a group-pose. "ARE HERE!"

"HA!" Boss puffed his chest out as his students glared down the zombies around them. "Looks like I actually might have been speaking too soon! Nice work, boys!"

"Woohoo!" Carue pumped his wing victoriously. "Tidesh turn quick! Owah cavalwy has awwived!"

_"_ _What a coincidence…"_

Spines froze all along the battlefront as a grim susurrus wafted through the air.

The Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad were _particularly_ petrified, on account of how the voice came from a knight with a three-eyed mask and animalistic gauntlet-claws who'd _somehow_ appeared _directly in their midst._

_"_ _For you see,"_ the knight hissed menacingly, _"We, the General Zombies of Thriller Bark, have_ also _arrived."_

Acting fast, the TDWS _tried_ to lash out at their ghastly assailant—

_"_ _GAH!"/ "GRK!"/ "ACK!"/ "SONNUVA—!"_

And _failed_ when said assailant's arms both split in half and bodily _snatched_ them out of the air by their throats.

_"_ _Allow me,"_ the cadaver rasped with a shuddering breath. _"To_ introduce _you!"_

And with _that_ ominous statement, the knight's torso suddenly spun around like a _rotor,_ whipping the TDWS about like ragdolls and flinging them to separate parts of the battlefield before they could react.

Boss's eye twitched, and it had _nothing_ to do with the renewed surge of heavily armed and even more heavily skilled zombies that was pushing back the Rolling Pirates. "So. I'll be taking four-arms and no-brains."

"Fine by me," Sanji huffed, waving his hand dismissively as he walked away, casually smacking down any zombies that tried to get in his way. "I'll go and find mosshead, dig him out of the flood of bodies he's no doubt going to bury his dumb green ass in."

"Let's see if Cross's advice about my thieving skills can be applied to my mass-pickpocketing routine…" Nami mused as she faded into thin air.

"Triage for me!" Merry cackled as she jogged away as fast as her minor limp allowed. "Time to play _mad_ doctor!"

"Let them eat salt!" Vivi proclaimed with an imperious wave of her hand before smiling sheepishly at Carue. "How does that sound to you?"

"Eh…" Carue waved his wing with a wince. "Good, but aye can't help but feel shome senshe of forebowding fwom it."

"Bah, I'll work on it," Vivi waved her hand dismissively. "For now though, _hiyah!"_ And with a kick of her heels, she and her duck shot into the fray. Or at least, _over_ it from the way Carue was kicking off the undead's heads.

Boss, meanwhile, stayed where he was, staring at the approaching three-eyed knight in silence before taking his cigar from his lips. "A few months back," he sighed, smoke whooshing from his muzzle. "I wouldn't have even given you the time of day for hurting my students. Buuut seeing as I'm now certain that they can handle themselves and nothing you clowns can throw at them will actually do jack shit…" He upgraded his dart's motion from pendulum-like swinging to full-blown rotation. "'Man of the Sea' Boss Dugong, Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates' ship guard. You?"

The knight snorted derisively. _"The dead have no need for names."_

His four arms split anew into an _octet_ of bladed limbs.

_"_ _Die with the title 'Jorōgumo' etched in your heart."_

Boss' eyes fell into a deadpan glare. "Charming."

And with that, any further words were foregone in favor of leaping at one another with the utmost of fury.

**-o-**

"Hey, Conis," I grunted as I reaffirmed my grip. "You ever get asked, as a kid, what you wanted to be when you grew up?"

"On and off for several years, though not anytime recently," she responded offhandedly, more focused on her footing than me. "Not many on Angel Island wanted to give thought to the future once Eneru took over, and after that…" The angel nodded her head to the side with a shrug. "Well, I found my calling with this crew, so not much reason to think of anything else, you know?"

"Fair enough, fair enough…" I mused. "Me, I got asked that constantly. Go-to for school counselors and parents, really. The answer varied, over the years. At first there were the classic answers."

"Which, for your world, would be…" Conis trailed off expectantly.

**"** **Firefighters and police officers,** _both due to the heroism,_ AND THE ODD CONSTRUCTION WORKER. **COOL JOB, SEE."**

"Ah, I see," Conis nodded in agreement. "Makes sense, I always thought the Cloud Workers looked cool myself."

"Yeah. There was actually a period where I was on an architect kick for a bit. Seemed easy enough, I liked geometry… then I learned how much art was involved and I dropped it like a hot potato. I draw like Luffy, see," I bit out, wiping the sweat from my brow.

"Naturally, naturally."

"Anyway…" I glanced downward before continuing. "After that, there was a bit of a wandering period, but right before I came here, I was actually studying to be an English Major."

_That_ actually drew a blink of surprise from Conis. "Oh, you write?"

"Eh, not anymore. Not much point, ya know?"

"Er…?" she asked.

"Anyway," I pushed on. "The point I was trying to get at is that at no point did I ever envision myself a world-infamous/famous pirate, out having the wildest of adventures on the high seas—!"

"LOOK OUT _above."_

"—Sonnuva—!" I hastily whipped my gauntlet above my head.

_SMASH!_

And winced as a frozen bat shattered on my forearm before sending a glare into the darkness above. "And I sure as _hell,"_ I concluded. "Never saw myself rappelling down the gullet of a titan's frozen _corpse_ so that I can preemptively kill its brain!"

Conis chuckled in dry amusement as she shifted her bazooka's footing on her back before giving herself more slack with which to keep descending the wall of frozen flesh. "Cross," she scoffed. "I think it's safe to assume that _nobody_ has ever envisioned themselves in _any_ of the situations we've been involved in in the history of _ever."_

**"** **You mean** ** _besides every SUPER-OBSESSED_** FANBOY _AND FANGIRL ever?"_ Soundbite interjected.

I felt a snort and a shift on my back. "Less meta," Lassoo grumbled irritably. "More _moving._ I'm freezing my tail off back here."

"On it, on it," I waved my mutt off. And with that, we resumed climbing down Oars' throat.

…I…suppose that whole bit deserves, if not outright _requires,_ some context, doesn't it?

See, the primary issue with trying to harm Oars? It wasn't just his sheer size, it was the fact that he was literally built for not just combat, but all-out New World _warfare._ And apparently, _that_ necessitated a hide that was not only several _meters_ thick, but _also_ as hard as a damn battleship. No wonder Zoro could barely cut the bastard, Mihawk himself would have… alright, he'd probably be able to chop Oars in half lengthwise without even looking up from his morning papers, but my point about Oars being thick in more ways than just his head still stands!

I'd told Chopper how we'd incapacitated the titan in the story, and he was extremely impressed with his original self's genius. But unfortunately, Oars' stupidly massive and quite literal dead weight and our lack of means meant that we couldn't exactly replicate the circumstances. Still, he _was_ able to identify one viable weakness in the corpse's biological blueprint. Speaking of which…

"Hey Chopper!" I called mouthwards. "We're about… ah…"

"25, 30 feet down the throat from the mouth!" Conis offered.

"Yeah, that. We there yet?"

_"_ _Ahhh… lemme see, lemme see, what is that in inches, damn chart doesn't have a legend… ah, right! Alright, give it another five feet to be safe and then you should be good!"_

"Do we really need to go this far down, Chopper?" I groaned even as I kept giving myself slack to descend. "I mean, we're _already_ inside his throat, what does it matter how deep we go?"

_"_ _It_ matters _because you need to be in precisely the exact spot to have a chance of hitting Oars' spinal column anytime soon!"_ Chopper explained with strained patience. _"I don't know what Moria was expecting Oars to fight in the New World, but whatever it was, he had Hogback deck him out to hell and back. Even his throat is reinforced for several meters!"_

"And you said he _needed_ this to fight Kaido?" Conis swallowed heavily.

"And we're going up against him ourselves. Fun, no?" I responded dryly.

_"_ _What you're looking for is a form of sweet spot,"_ Chopper continued. _"An area of the esophagus_ after _Hogback was given the go-ahead to stop reinforcing, but_ before _the esophagus turns away from spine in favor of the stomach… er, command center… you get my point. Anyway, dig too soon and you'll hit reinforced muscle to match his epidermis. Too late, not exactly_ reinforced _muscle, but still a_ lot _of it."_

"YEAH, **_because we wouldn't want_** **ANY MORE TROUBLE** _THAN WE'VE ALREADY HAD…"_ Soundbite grumbled. _"Like the zipline from hell_ **wasn't fun enough."**

_"_ _You do better with limited supplies, ass-biter!"_ Usopp snapped indignantly.

_"_ _Forgive me for not exactly having a steady grip on the free-hanging weight of two adults plus_ baggage," Robin concurred much more calmly, but also far more dryly.

_"_ _Thank you for not letting us plummet to our doom!"_ the four of us chorused with no small amount of desperation.

"A-Anyway, I'm fairly certain we're where you want us," Conis coughed uneasily, glancing… 'up', as it were, at the opposite wall of the cavernous flesh-tube we were in. "I suppose it _looks_ softer than what we were going down before. So, I suppose now…?"

"We start digging," I huffed, hefting a fully gun Lassoo from my back and pointing him 'upwards'. "Congratulations are in order, Conis, we're about to perform the most roughshod and unique lobotomy in the history of medicine."

_"_ _I'LL ALERT_ **the folks at GUINNESS."**

"Forgive me if I don't exactly seem eager," Conis snorted in an unladylike manner, hefting her own bazooka before knocking her cannon's muzzle against my own. "Cheers, Cross."

"Right back at ya," I grit out as I braced myself. "Alright, firing in three, two—!"

"Cani-Blast!"

"Burn Bazooka!"

**_FWOOM!_ **

Conis and I both sighed in relief as our guns blasted out twin pillars of flame that combined into an _inferno._ While the position was more than a bit awkward, at least the heat from the flames did _something_ to alleviate the sub-zero temperatures.

Still, though…

"Chopper, how long do you think it'll take us to dig through?" I asked.

_"_ _Erm… well, seeing as there's still several meters of flesh between you and the bone? IIIII'd get suggest you all get as comfortable as you can manage. Sorry?"_

Conis and I both froze in place before we _slooowly_ turned our heads to glance at one another. I then opened my mouth to say something.

"If you suggest I Spy in _this_ place," she whispered solemnly. "I will punch your head from your scrawny shoulders."

"Wasn't gonna say nothin'!" I hedged hastily, glancing away with a whistle.

_"_ _Yeah, THE HELL YOU—!"_

_THWACK!_

**"** **YEOW!"**

"Shut up, Soundbite," we chorused as one.

**"** **Bastards."**

**-o-**

"Tidal-Swim-Tidal-Swim-TIDAL SWIM DAMN IT A—oh, there we go," Leo blinked in honest surprise as he flipped himself over in midair and actually managed to kill his downward momentum. "Huh… so _that's_ how it's done… surprisingly easy once you get used to it."

"GROAAAAR!"

Leo blinked and glanced down to a veritable legion of zombies.

"Drawing attention to yourselves like that?" the dugong smirked, drawing his blades. "Tsk, tsk, not smart."

That briefly drew the zombies up short, each looking at each other in confusion. And that opening was enough for Leo to cut his Tidal Swim, dropping to the ground, his blades whirling out and finding the necks of two zombies. Both promptly collapsed like they'd been turned to jelly, shadows flying into the sky.

"Alright," Leo said as he straightened. "Who wants some?" Not waiting for an answer, he jabbed one of his swords at a random zombie. "You. You want some."

Before the poor zombie could in any way deny that it wanted _any_ , Leo was up in his personal space, sword shooting up and through his throat.

That was enough for the rest of the zombies, who to a cadaver decided that discretion was, indeed, the better part of valor.

Or, to put it another way, they ran like children.

Leo, naturally, gave pursuit. Two fell to his blades just after they began to run, and with Rip Tide, the rest weren't going anywhere. The dugong was a blur of shell and steel, each strike unerringly finding a necrotized throat and carving it open. A few zombies, seeing that running was futile, tried to fight back. That was just as futile.

Finally, Leo swung his blades out only to find that he was standing alone on a field of unmoving corpses.

"Huh," he said, lowering one blade and holding the other up for inspection. "Nice. That salt paste of Chopper's is really holding up well. Now, what to do…"

Suddenly, Leo's head whipped around to a seemingly random spot of foliage. "I know you're there!" he called out. "Show yourself!"

The bushes rustled, and a corpse stumbled out. With bottle in hand, dressed in a tattered captain's coat and equally tattered striped pants, and stringy silver hair, he looked the perfect picture of a drunken bum, swords at his hip notwithstanding.

"…And here I was worried." Leo let his shoulders slump with a disappointed sigh. "And you even have _swords…_ bah, screw it, might as well get this over with. Rip Tide." And with that, Leo blurred from sight.

_CLANG!_

Somehow, that did not end with a salted zombie, but instead Leo's blade getting quite casually knocked away.

"What the heck?!" Leo yelped, hastily recovering from the hit, only to blink in confusion as the zombie merely took another swig of its drink. "O… _kay,_ let's try that again…"

So saying, Leo struck _again_ , tightening his swing, and once again it was casually batted away, the zombie continuing to drink in spite of his liquor continuously draining out. The dugong narrowed his eyes, flippers tightening their grip on his hilts.

"Alright, then…"

Vanishing in another Rip Tide, this time Leo didn't just attack once. Both of his blades blurred in, and while they kept getting batted away, the zombie was staggering backward to keep up the defense. Different angles were tried: head strikes, body strikes from the side, thrusts. All were countered. All forced another step back.

And yet, the damn zombie just _kept drinking!_

"You drunken bastard… This is a fucking _swordfight!_ A clash of blades and wills! And you clearly have skills, so stop _screwing around and take!_ THIS! _SERIOUSLY!"_ Leo roared, punctuating his final howl by slamming both blades into the zombie's guard. Said guard still stood firm, but the zombie was forced to inch back and was jolted so bad he spilled a splash of his booze on his shirt.

That… actually drew some emotion from the zombie. He paused, casting a sightless glance down at the stain before returning his attention to the bottle, swirling about the remaining booze at eye level.

Without missing a beat, the zombie took another pull of his drink, and then out of _nowhere_ hurled the bottle at Leo with all the force his necrotized muscles could muster. The surprised dugong had the wits to cross his blades in a guard—

_BLAM!_ SMASH!

_"_ _GAH!"_ Leo flinched in shock and terror as the bottle suddenly _exploded_ in midair for no apparent reason, spraying him with lead and glass and leaving him _reeling._ He _tried_ to recover, to properly maintain his guard—!

_THWACK!_

"GUH!" But all he could do was grunt as the air was _literally_ punted from his gut by the pirate, sending him rolling across the field of bodies.

Once Leo's momentum stopped, he flipped himself to his stomach and hung his head with a groan. "Sonnuva _bitch,_ I need to get Shell Body down ASAP…" he wheezed.

"Yar har har… ye have me thanks, bucko…"

Leo snapped his head up, and beheld the fact that his opponent's _entire_ demeanor had pulled a complete 180. Where one moment had stood a lazy and slouched drunkard, there was now an actual _pirate,_ holding his head high with a confident leer and wielding a cutlass in one hand and a _smoking_ pistol in the other.

"Yer harsh tone and yer impressive skills with the blade have served ta _finally_ rouse me from this accursed stupor of mine," the zombie chuckled menacingly. "Finally, for the first time since I woke anew, I actually feel _alive!_ And it's with this very feeling!"

The zombie snapped his blade up and jabbed the tip at Leo.

_"_ _That I intend ta send yer shelled arse straight ta Davy Jones Locker!"_ he roared eagerly. "Prepare yerself, enemy-mine, for ye face the age-old scourge of the six seas, the most infamous lord o' piracy in all o' Paradise's history! Aye, I be he! The one, the only, _Captain 'Long' John 'Silverteeth'! YAR HAR HAR!"_

Leo stared at the pirate in awe, his mouth agape, until he realized that something didn't quite add up. "Uhhh…?" he trailed off uncomfortably as he gestured at his _own_ teeth.

"ME CORPSE WAS DESECRATED BY THE SALTY DOGS I CALLED A CREW, YE IDJIT!" John roared indignantly. "TRUST ME, WAY BACK WHEN, I _HAD_ TEETH O' SILVER, AND EVERYONE IN THESE WATERS FEARED THEM AS THOUGH THEY BELONGED TO DAVY JONES HIMSELF!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say…" Leo pulled himself to his tail, swords at the ready, before slowly donning a smirk. "'Gramps'."

John stilled, his expression sinking into one of murderous rage. "Allow me to educate ye, ye salty _cur,"_ he growled. "About how a _true pirate FIGHTS!"_

And in a blur of movement, the clash was _on._

**-o-**

_CRASH!_

"Eurgh… Tidal Swim's cool and all, but now I need to figure out how to get rid of the damn _cramp_ …" Mikey groaned, working himself out of the ground. "'Course, I already know how Boss is gonna suggest I do it: Tail-lifts, and a _lot_ of them. That's gonna _suck…_ "

_BAM!_

Neither his expression nor his position changed as he drew one of his pistols and fired it to his left, right into the belly of a zombie that'd been reaching for him. His other flipper snapped out one of his nunchucks and effectively knee-capped another undead assailant that had been winding up to stamp on his head.

"Because I."

He flung out his nunchucks to his other side, neatly bisecting a zombie in a cloud of dust and sending both halves flying.

"Hate!"

Charging straight at a line of zombies trying to rush him, he swung his nunchucks like they were made of air, six blows sending six zombies flying, embalming fluid flying.

_"_ _TAIL-LIFTS!"_

The last zombie in the line tried to run. All that meant was that he was hit in his back instead of chest; he still went flying.

Heaving out a deep sigh, Mikey holstered his pistol and relaxed a bit. "Whoo, I feel better now. If this is why Raphey hits things when she gets mad, I can see why!"

"Ya-ha!"

Mikey frowned and looked up at the strange cry. Up above was a zombie, but not just any zombie. This one had large, bat-like wings stretched over its arms, which were presumably how it was circling overhead.

"Kekekeke! I see you down there, little dugong!" Hildon cackled, continuing to circle. "Soon, I shall return with an _army_ of zombies!"

"Yeeeaaah, about that," Mikey slowly drawled, unable to hide the grin that stretched across his face as he realized that the throbbing in a certain _area_ had gone down. "Tidal Swim."

With two powerful kicks of his tail, the dugong shot up into the air, pistol coming out to take a shot at the zombie's mouth once he matched altitude. He never got the chance; Hildon yelped and turned around the second Mikey launched the first Tidal Swim, fleeing for his un-life.

"Hey, get back here!" Mikey snapped, pushing off the air after the zombie. What ensued was one of the more bizarre chase scenes ever: a zombie in a bat costume that _somehow_ allowed him to fly being chased by a manatee-sea turtle hybrid jumping off the air. Of course, as focused as Mikey was on the chase even he couldn't miss that they were heading for the central mansion of Thriller Bark. Any thoughts of cutting off the chase, though, were dashed when Hildon dove for the ground.

"Gotcha!" Mikey shouted, following in a dive of his own.

Both fighters promptly bounced off the ground and into the brush, one after another. As Mikey did so, he grabbed his nunchucks and reared them back, ready for whatever counterattack was coming.

Oh, wait, that's a lie. He certainly wasn't ready for Hildon to jam a machine gun in his face, though any claims that he screamed like a little girl were also lies.

"Rip-Tide-Rip-Tide- _Rip-Tide!"_ Mikey yelped, flinging himself back just as the zombie pulled the trigger. The bullets passed harmlessly to the side of the dugong as he skidded into the nearest clearing, glaring daggers at Hildon as he stepped out of the bush. He would have launched himself at the zombie, but a rustling from the shrubbery caught his attention.

Out of the corner of his eye, Mikey watched as the largest man he'd seen that _wasn't_ a giant stepped out of the foliage. Maybe not as tall as the Franky Family's big shipwreckers, but not far behind, and as wide as he was tall. Despite the rolls of fat, Mikey could make out powerful muscles underneath, an observation helped by some literal holes down to the musculature. And wonder of wonders, this one actually had an expression, albeit one of dopey happiness.

"What took ya so long, damn fatty?" Hildon groused. "And where's the rest of ya?"

"Sorry, Hildon," the big zombie sheepishly apologized. "We got a bit lost."

"Umf!"

That would be another zombie walking up beside the big one and pumping its fist, this one shorter but just as round, with a bright red nose that somehow hadn't decayed at all.

In fact, to Mikey's dismay, more zombies were practically crawling out of the woodwork. Off to his other side was another trio, much smaller and skinnier than the ones to his left. One was hanging upside down from a tree like a monkey, a piece of tape holding its nose together. Another had a forehead that seemed almost too long to be real and gave off a palpable aura of patheticness. And finally, one taller zombie busily tying its thin hair back in a ponytail… and it then kicked up one of its legs near vertical once it was done.

"Ahahahaha!"

Behind came more rustling, and Mikey chanced a look back. These three were near indistinguishable, aside from hairstyle: one blond crewcut, one black mullet, and some… blond… starfish thing. The goggles were a better distinguishing mark, anyway.

"Huh?"

"Huh?!"

"HUH?!"

And then finally, one more appeared in front of Hildon in a burst of speed, this one wearing a strange helmet with a grid-like guard over the mouth and a reflective visor. More importantly, the dugong had only barely caught its arrival.

"Ya-ha! Everyone's finally here!" Hildon declared, raising his machinegun high. "You know what to say, boys!"

"WE'LL KILL 'IM!" all the gathered zombies roared.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Hildon concurred, blasting a round of bullets into the air.

"Great…" Mikey groaned as he readied his 'chuks, spinning them in anticipation for a fight. "Why do I get the feeling that the others are having an easier time of things?!"

**-o-**

"Nooooriiiii… _Arts!"_ Raphey flipped herself around in midair and managed to stick a _beautiful_ touchdown of a landing, her grin positively massive as she held her arms above her head. "Hahaha! 'Dodging is useless' my tail! I'm going to rub this _so hard_ in those morons' faces! …when I find them again, at any rate."

"CARVE 'ER UP! TURTLE SOUP, À LA CARTE!"

Raphey snapped around at the sound of the bellow and caught sight of a tattered butcher's outfit and a massive cleaver heading for her suddenly raised sai.

_CLANG!_

She gritted her teeth at the force that slammed between the main blade and one of the side blades, but she managed to maintain her stance before placing both flippers on the sai, and _twisting it—_

_CHINK!_

Snapping the massive cleaver down the middle. The butcher gaped comically at his broken blade for a couple of seconds. Then, with even _more_ force, he slammed a foot into her belly - and blinked in confusion when it did _jack all._

_"_ _Vad?"_ he questioned in an unintelligible language.

"I'm a girl with three brothers," Raphey smirked confidently. "Those three _know_ Shell Body. Me? I'm _good_ with it."

"Not so good with peripheral vision though, huh?"

"Wha—?" Raphey turned her head in confusion, and promptly widened her eyes in shock as she watched a _huge_ zombie with an even huger club lifelessly collapse to reveal her savior: a woman with pink hair and… a _great_ personality, wielding a pair of katana. "Ah… yeah…" Raphey chuckled sheepishly, even as she stabbed her sais into the butcher's leg and flipped him onto the ground, shoving a wad of salt down his throat. "Even with 'good' Shell Body, that would have been… _bad._ Thanks a lot… uh…?"

"Lola!" the woman greeted amicably, even as she offhandedly decapitated a zombie that tried to jump her. "'Marriage Proposal' Lola, captain of the Rolling Pirates and really grateful for you Straw Hats helping us!"

"Raphey, 'Disciple of the Sea' and Straw Hat ship's guard!" Raphey greeted back with a smile as she crushed a zombie's knee. "Really nice to meet you, and may I say? I _love_ your make-up. Brings out your eyes!"

Lola gasped and smiled eagerly as she removed the arms from a tree-like revenant. "Why, thank you! And personally, I find that your headband _really_ compliments your shell. Just my opinion."

"What, this old thing?" Raphey waved her off with one flipper while holding a struggling zombie at flipper's length with the other. "I've had it for years! Appreciate the compliment!"

"Oh, no trouble, no trouble… oh, hey, real quick!" Lola asked eagerly. "Are you busy right now, by any chance. I mean, besides…" She gestured at the newly dead bodies at her feet.

"No no, not really," Raphey shrugged dismissively as she wiped some embalming fluid from her sais. "My bros can handle themselves, no sweat. Whaddaya need?"

"Eh…" Lola scratched the back of her head uncomfortably. "I've been _trying_ to find my zombie in all this mess, but I haven't been having any luck! My crewmates are all looking for their own and I don't wanna distract them, so I was hoping…?"

"Sure thing!" Raphey popped her an eager thumbs up. "So, what does your _deader-half_ look like?"

_"_ _ME."_

The two females looked to the source of the voice, which turned out to be—

…No, even the narrators aren't willing to touch this. 'Giant, bipedal, pink warthog in a wedding dress with two swords' is all you're getting for the zombie leader of the mob of beast zombies that emerged to challenge Lola and Raphey.

_"_ _AT THIS POINT, I COULDN'T CARE LESS WHO YOU ARE,"_ the zombie-Lola breathed murderously. _"YOU ALLIED WITH THE ONES WHO DEFEATED MY PRECIOUS ABSALOM,_ _ **AND PUT HIM OUT OF MY REACH!"**_

Lola nervously tensed and untensed her grip on her blades as she turned to face her counterpart. "And you really think that you can take on _both of us_ at once?"

Zombie Lola—Zola, for brevity's sake—snorted darkly, brandishing. "Good point." She glanced over her shoulder at the crowd of animalian zombies. "HIPPO!"

"Front and center, ma'am!" a sharply dressed hippo barked, jogging towards with his shield over his chest as he raised his sword in salute. "An honor to serve with you, General! To strike down the curs who dare to invade our noble home!"

"'Noble' nothing, you half-cooked leatherneck," Raphey growled, scraping her sais together in anticipation. "We're taking each and every last one of you freaks _down._ En-fucking-garde!"

And so the quartet fell into battle ready positions, glaring daggers at one another as they waited for someone, _anyone_ to snap the tension and kick things off.

Finally, Raphey slumped forward with a defeated sigh. "…actually, on second thought? I know I can't be the first one to say it, so I'm gonna be upfront here and get it off my chest: Lipstick on a pig."

The effect was instantaneous: the entire _surrounding_ _battlefield_ froze, all the zombies staring at the Dugong in shock. And then all of them, save for Zola and Gallant Hippo, ran off _screaming_ in mortal terror.

Hell, even Hippo looked to be seconds away from doing just that, inching away from his partner-in-zombiehood with a terrified expression. " _Now_ you've gone and done it…" he whimpered.

"Eh?" Raphey blinked in confusion. "What, what's wrong? Why are you all acting so—?"

**_"_** **_Yoooou…"_**

"Erk!" Raphey and Lola _both_ recoiled in shock, the reason being the utterly _evil_ aura that was radiating from Zola.

**_"_** ** _YOOOOU BASTAAAAARDS…"_** the hog-zombie rumbled, her teeth grinding and her tusks glinting with menace. This was accompanied by a glare at the two, her eyes all but literally _glowing_ with bloody murder. **"I DON'T EVEN CARE IF I DIE FROM IT, I'LL KILL YOU** ** _AAAAAALL!"_** And with _that_ final roar she charged the pair with all the power and rage of a runaway Sea Train.

"GAH!" Hippo yelped in shock, hastily running after her. "Zo—! I-I mean Lo—! I mean—! _WAIT!"_

Raphey swallowed heavily as she steeled herself, the skin on her flippers slowly turning white around her grip on her sais. "Ready to face yourself?" she asked her partner.

Lola barked out a laugh even as her own knuckles turned white on her blades. "When is anyone? There's only one answer to that question!"

_SKRANG!_

Lola grinned eagerly as she locked blades with her knockoff, the pair butting heads and _neither_ giving ground.

"TRY IT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "AND _FIND OUT!"_

**-o-**

"Note to self…" Donny rubbed his head's shell with a groan as he shoved his way back onto his tail. "After I get Tidal Swim down pat, start training with Robin to deal with opponents who have more than… two… arms…" Donny trailed off slowly before slapping his flipper to his face with a renewed sigh. "And suddenly that is a threat that is _valid_ in my life. Unbe-freaking-lievable, one day my usual opponents are other dugongs, and now it's like I'm living in a _dream!"_

"Might wanna make that a _nightmare,_ pintsize," one of the zombies surrounding the dugong leered smugly, pounding his fist as he approached. "Now, enough with the small talk, let's get to the part where we pound your sku— _URK!"_ The zombie cut himself off in a fit of gagging, on account of the end of Donny's bo-staff lodging itself in his throat, and then failed to say anything further due to his own shadow blocking his throat.

"Theeeen again..." Donny slowly let an eager grin spread across his face. "I suppose that dreams _are_ meant to be enjoyed!" And with that, he ripped his staff out of the zombie's throat and spun it into a ready-position. "Bring it on, you rotting, husk-brained bastards! I can kick your decrepit behinds blindfolded!"

The crowd of zombies all snarled and growled viciously at the _blatant_ challenge. "You little—! COME ON, GUYS!" one of them raised his voice to rally the rest. "There's one of him and an _army_ of us! And the best of our best are on their way too! _LET'S BEAT HIS SHELL INTO THE DAMN GROUND!"_

Donny's eyes narrowed in concentration as the zombies began to charge him, already positioning his staff to prepare for his newly revamped and rebranded Arrows of St. George, taking aim at the frontmost zombies and tensing his lower body for the following movements—

"HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH _HAH!_ NOW, _WAIT_ JUST A MOMENT!"

All of the zombies promptly paused, the expressions on their rotting faces, one and all, screaming sheer terror. Which, given the fact that Donny did not know the voice in question, made _him_ nervous in turn.

"So, little dugong!" the voice laughed over the din of fighting. "You think you can just waddle on down here, with your fancy stick-a-ma-jig, and whack all your enemies into oblivion and then be home in time for soaps and cigars, eh?"

"Uh… I don't smoke—?" Donny began awkwardly.

_"_ _WRONG!_ The battlefield is a very, very violent and deadly place, rife with danger! _LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!"_

_"_ _RUN!"_ screamed several of the zombies, separating like the Red Sea before scattering everywhere that wasn't close to Donny. All save for one. He was of average height for a full-grown man, his lips were pulled back in a way that perpetually showed the rotting top row of his teeth, and where his left eye was squinting, his right was wide open… or more likely, lidless. His skin was blackened in places, clearly from burns, and his outfit was a tattered cross between a business suit and a fireman's uniform, with a husk of a helmet hanging on his head and a fireman's ax on his back.

No, wait, in. Donny realized with no small amount of horror that the ax was lodged _in_ the zombie's back, the blade buried _right_ beside his spinal column.

"SO!" the zombie bellowed, strutting forward in an exaggerated saunter. "You're waddlin' along, swingin' your stickie-ma-bob to and fro, not a care in the world as ya slap the shadows outta zombies here and there, _WHEN SUDDENLY!"_ he yelled at the top of his lungs as he came to a stop a few feet before the dugong, jabbing his finger at him. Though the effect was somewhat ruined by him taking a lighter out of his pocket and flicking it open, producing a flame on top. "Ya come upon a simple general zombie takin' a break, breakin' out the ole zippo to have himself a smoke on the ole' puff-puff! You're going to smack him silly too, easy as peaches… when suddenly someone yells _'Look!'_ " He pointed to the side. _"'There's Big Mom doin' cartwheels!'"_

Donny actually briefly followed the finger in confusion before returning his attention to the deranged deceased as he kept talking.

"However! As ya turn ta watch, your stickie-con-carne smacks inta the zombie's hand and WHAPPA!" The zombie actually slapped his own hand into the underside of his fist, sending the lighter flying high into the air. "The zippo's zipped off! But!" The zombie's overbite-ridden grin widened as he popped a finger. "What ya don't know is, that that zombie whose smokes ya just smacked…"

The zombie flung his arms wide. "Was embalmed using _lighter fluiiiiid!"_

The blood fled Donny's face as he heard _that_ little tidbit. "Wait… y-you don't mean—!"

At almost that exact moment, the lighter chose that moment to land. Fortunately, it didn't hit the zombie but rather the ground in _front_ of him.

… _un-_ fortunately, it somehow managed to bounce off said ground and _shoot down the zombie's gaping mouth._ With an audible _GULP!_ No less.

Both Donny and the Zombie were paralyzed for a moment until the zombie cocked his head to the side. "UH-OH!"

"SHIT!" Donny cursed furiously, diving away in panic.

**_KA-BOOM!_ **

It was at moments like these that the smartest of the TDWS _seriously_ regretted evolution deciding to steal his species' capacity to retreat into their shells, because the feeling of flames licking off his tail was _way_ too close a call for his comfort.

Once he landed, Donny took a moment to pant and catch his breath. And for that moment, he allowed himself to _dare_ to hope that maybe, just _maybe_ that crazy-ass zombie had been dumb enough to blow himself to kingdom come.

The second that moment passed, however?

**"** **HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"**

It was violently _shattered._

With horror and terror coursing through his veins, Donny flipped himself to his tail and turned around to behold the flaming _husk_ of a corpse that was slowly but surely shambling towards him, cackling madly all the while.

**"** **As you can see!"** the psychotic revenant's voice barked with undeserved authority. **"The battlefield is a very dangerous environment! But worry not!"** He struck a confident pose, his fist placed firmly over where his heart was, or would have been, if it weren't probably already charcoal. **"I, Fire Zombie Bill, shall be the one to show you to safety!"**

The zombie's ashen smile widened clean across his face as he reached over his shoulder and grasped the handle of the ax buried in him.

**"** **LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHING!"**

And with that, the zombie _wrenched—!_

**_CRACK!_ **

The ax came free, and Donny promptly gagged in horror.

Fire Zombie Bill blinked at the disembodied ribcage hanging from his weapon. **"Whoops! Need that!"** That said, he shoved his ax back over his shoulder and jiggled it around a bit before removing it again, this time sans the extra calcium. **"There we go!"** Upon noticing Donny's panicked expression, he tilted his head to the side, in a gesture that was probably _meant_ to be comforting but came off more like a predator observing its prey. **"Take a chill pill, wouldja? When I was alive, I was many things: a detective, a supervillain, and even a count! But most important of** ** _all?"_**

Bill's grin extended to downright _demented_ levels.

**"** **I WAS… AND** **_STILL AM… A FIRE MARSHAL!_ ** **HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"**

**Xomniac AN: Eeeeyup. That's right, people. TPO brought it up and we** **_ran_ ** **with it. We. Went. There.** **_Bow before us!_ **


	11. Chapter 11

### Chapter 55: TheRealEvanSG OMAKES - CANON: Tales of the World

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Ladies and gentlemen, as we have stated several times in the past, we of the Cross-Brain have busy schedules. As a result of that, we find ourselves unable to put down certain events in the story in favor of progressing the plot line. So…we decided to ask for help from some of our most talented fans, whose works you may have seen in our Omake Collection posted under Superego’s profile.**

**The following two stories are the result of the selfless dedication of user TheRealEvanSG. Consider these less like omakes, and more like mini-arcs; they are 100% canon. We hope you enjoy, and we are extremely grateful to Evan for bringing them to life.**

** Omake: The Battle of Kinpaku Island **

By TheRealEvanSG

Some two months ago, had Lieutenant Tashigi of the Marines been asked what her weirdest Transponder Snail call had composed of, she would've probably answered something along the lines of, _"That one call with the monkey chorus and Garp trying to be a composer in the background."_ Now, that list had grown considerably longer. However, that didn't necessarily mean choosing weird Transponder Snail calls had gotten any harder. No, if anything, it had just gotten much, much easier, especially at noon a good two weeks after the Straw Hats had waged war upon Enies Lobby.

The day had started out innocently enough. After she'd retrieved Shigure from a pissed Smoker and tired of throwing many darts into a certain blond's new picture, tacked to her wall, she had finished getting ready for the day and gone out to eat breakfast with the rest of the crew. Then she had trained with her sword some more in a secluded part of the ship, running through the various katas that had been ingrained within her mind from the moment she'd begun swordsmanship. Nobody bothered asking her afterward why pieces of a picture, which appeared to have previously been pinned to a training dummy, were strewn about the floor.

She had been in the middle of a very important discussion with Captain Hina when the Transponder Snail rang.

"Look, Hina," Tashigi sighed wearily, "all I'm saying is that ship metal expenses would be lessened considerably if you would form some cages that we could melt down."

"And as Hina keeps reminding you," the pink-haired woman said stubbornly, shifting through piles of paperwork from the aftermath of Enies Lobby, "it is not Hina's duty to be a human steel quarry."

"But we could pour much more time and money into renewing our troops' training if we didn't have to—"

_Puru puru puru puru. Puru puru puru puru. Puru puru puru puru._

Both Tashigi and Hina jumped and swiveled around as a certain special Transponder Snail picked up a signal, looking bored out of its mind. The two women turned slowly back to each other, surprise evident in both of their countenances. Hina's eyebrows had shot up, and Tashigi's mouth had involuntarily begun to form an o. For a moment, neither of them moved to pick up the receiver.

"Ophiuchus never said anything about a group call coming today, did he?" Tashigi asked, frowning in thought.

Hina shook her head. "Hina does not recall. It may be someone calling us back about joining, however."

_Puru puru puru puru — ka-lick._

_"Kaku of CP9,"_ said the now-familiar voice of Zoro's opponent from the absolute chaos that had recently transpired. _"We were told to call this number for work by Cross. I doubt I need to explain who Cross is at this point."_

Tashigi and Hina sat staring, dumbfounded, at the snail.

"...Capricorn should be more surprised by this," muttered the pink-haired rebel, "but somehow Capricorn just can't bring herself to be."

"I'm beginning to know the feeling myself..." Tashigi deadpanned. She rose her voice and looked down at the snail. "This is Pisces, with Capricorn listening. So, Kaku, I assume the rest of CP9 is there with you as well?"

_"Indeed,"_ came her answer from the other side of the snail. _"Blueno, Kalifa, Fukuro, Kumadori, and Jabra are all listening beside me. Lucci is still getting treated for his injuries in his hospital room. We need work to be able to survive, but as Cross predicted, we have been unable to find anyone willing to take us in now that the World Government has... for lack of a better term, 'burned' us. Cross claimed we would be able to find work with you, however. Who exactly are you all?"_

Feeling the beginnings of a headache throbbing at the front of her skull, she rubbed her forehead tiredly. "You can think of us as... acquaintances of the Straw Hat Pirates. For safety reasons, we cannot reveal our true identities to you unless you swear your loyalty to our cause."

" _Which would be...?"_

"Rebuilding the Marines into a force of actual justice and ensuring proper peace for the world as we know it."

Silence reigned on the other end for several moments. At last, Kaku's dry voice came over the receiver.

_"I really should've expected this from the Straw Hats by now, shouldn't I have?"_ groaned Kaku, and Tashigi and Hina could only exchange knowing winces. The ex-assassin's voice grew more distant, as if he had moved away from the receiver, as he said, _"Do we all accept this?"_

_"I'm willing to join,"_ drawled Kalifa, _"as long as there's no sexual harassment."_

_"Any work is good work at this point,"_ grunted Jabra.

_"I suppose we never were meant to have peaceful lives,"_ deadpanned Blueno. _"I'm in."_

Kumadori sniffed. _"I'm running out of hair-softening conditioner,"_ he whined. _"I'll join as long as I can keep my hair like this."_

_"Then we're all in agreement except Lucci, who can eat a bag of catnip for all I care at this point,"_ Kaku grunted. _"We're in."_

"Very well. Where exactly are you?"

_"Several islands down from the Sea Train's Blue Station, a Fall Island called Kinpaku Island. We're recuperating in Hallow's Bar and Grille."_

Tashigi's eyebrows rose. "That's actually not too far from where we are now. In fact, Capricorn, what island is our Log Pose pointing to?"

Hina glanced at one of said instrument that was currently strapped to her wrist, and then rummaged through the drawers of the desk and withdrew a map. She examined it for a few moments, comparing it with the direction of the Log Pose, and at last relayed, "It appears that Kinpaku Island is next in line for us. It seems like we shall arrive within the next couple of days."

"That... works out surprisingly well. Kaku, we will save our introductions for when we meet you all in person. Sit tight for a while and wait, alright? We'll introduce ourselves as Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio, who is another of our friends. That's how you'll know it's us."

_"Sounds fine to us,"_ Kaku said, the Transponder Snail nodding its head. _"We have to wait for Lucci to heal up some more anyway; Doctor's orders says he still can't move."_

"Very well, then. We'll meet up in about two days. Good-bye."

_"Sayonara."_ KA-LICK!

The cabin was so soundless a pin drop would've seemed like an elephant's stomp. Tashigi and Hina stared at the Transponder Snail through which they had just signed off on the newest piece of insanity in their lives. When she could at last stand the silence no longer, Tashigi groaned and leaned back in her chair.

"Did we actually just include CP9 in our group?"

Hina's expression was completely flat. "Hina blames it all on you."

"..."

The mooks of the ship didn't bother questioning why the sound of a certain lieutenant's head repeatedly slamming against a wall suddenly started echoing throughout the ship. At this point, it had become such a frequent occurrence that they didn't even have to stock up on Aspirin anymore.

~0~

Hallow's Bar and Grille was not a usual confluence, a word which here means 'a place at which two vastly freaking different parties come together to intensify the world's insanity.' It was a quaint enough bar, built mostly of spruce and stone, with a sharp, v-shaped roof and a stone floor that was often freezing in the mornings. It had been built to resemble times before the average house sported entirely carpeted floors, and before the average restaurant sported comfortable seating. It was, in actuality, more of a bed and breakfast than a bar, although they certainly had a bar at which they served booze, sake, and other various alcohols from all across the Blue Seas and Grand Line. However, the bedrooms offered little more comfort than the seating and the floor, which was likely why despite it being one of two bars on the island, it was often empty except for the old, grizzled bartender.

This was also, however, why it served as the perfect confluence of two vastly freaking different parties for the first time in its career.

Seated at a wooden booth in the far right corner, CP9 (minus Lucci) huddled over cups of the finest sake that Hallow's offered.

"Today's the day that Pisces said they'd be arriving," Blueno said, swirling his sake nervously. "What do you think they're like?"

"Sexual harassers," offered Kalifa flatly.

Jabra snorted. "Is that your answer to _everything?"_

"Yes. Are you really just realizing that now?"

"...Withdrawn."

"Whoever they are," said Kaku, "I just hope they don't turn us down after all. They still have time, and they might not be as forgiving as the Straw Hats. Our wallets are so empty now we honestly need to do anything we can... Although preferably, if we could use our current skillset, it would be best, of course."

"Agreed." Kumadori nodded, his pink hair waving about the table like thousands of little snakes. It had always creeped out Kaku, but he didn't say anything about it, and instead took a somewhat disturbed sip of his sake.

"Well, then," said a voice that CP9 (minus Lucci) had only heard once before, "that's perfect. Because we happen to have several openings for those willing to do dirty work without a second thought."

CP9 (minus Lucci) swiveled around in their chairs quickly. Jabra moved so fast he almost doused himself in his drink, and he cursed under his breath. When the ex-agents realized who exactly it was standing in front of them, they at first couldn't quite believe their eyes.

"I am Pisces," said Lieutenant Tashigi with an unreadable expression. She motioned to two very familiar people standing beside her - - 'White Hunter' Smoker and 'Ship-Cutter' T-Bone. "These are Cancer and Scorpio. Your new boss will be Scorpio himself, who will be receiving advice from another acquaintance of ours, Aquarius, though she couldn't make it here today due to... complicated matters. She will be helping you, Kalifa, develop your powers, due to the similarities of your Devil Fruits."

"But you... you're Marines," Jabra choked, his wolf eyes widening. "Even I can't create a lie _this_ bad."

"And that's saying something," Kaku muttered.

"Shut up, giraffe!"

"I assure you this is no lie," Tashigi said solemnly. The young woman's eyes were solemn and full of regret. "We do not feel as though justice is being truly served and wish to fix this."

"So, what?" asked Blueno, tilting his head suspiciously. "You all just went vigilante?"

"In a manner of speaking." T-Bone rubbed his chin. "I suppose that's the most accurate description for us. As I'm sure Pisces mentioned to you, we're an organization affiliated with the Straw Hats, created for the purpose of bringing true justice to the world. However, as we are too heavily tied with the Marines, if we tried to start pulling strings, we would risk being found out and thrown in Impel Down to rot."

Kalifa narrowed her eyes. "And that's where we come in."

"That's right," agreed Smoker, who put two cigars in his mouth and started puffing at them carelessly. "You, who have been completely thrown into the trash by the Marines, have no connections, which is crucial to our plans. Add to that your superb skills as assassins, and it's quite obvious how useful you'd be to us. We would be willing to pay quite handsomely for your services, of course." He blinked. "I never thought I'd be saying those words to assassins..." he said under his breath, only loud enough for Tashigi and T-Bone to hear.

For a few seconds, CP9 (minus Lucci) glanced at themselves, discussing it with just their eyes. They had undergone so many fragile missions together that doing so had become a necessary skill.

"Very well," agreed Kaku. "We'll do your dirty work for you in exchange for reliable sleeping quarters and pay."

The Zodiac of the Divine all unintentionally released relieved breaths. "Thank you, CP9," said T-Bone gratefully. "The entire world thanks you."

"If you'd like, we already have a list of things we need you to do here," Smoker said, withdrawing a folded piece of paper from his white coat. He laid it on the table in the middle of CP9 (minus Lucci) and smoothed it out for them. Kaku quickly picked it up, skimmed over its contents, and failed to hold back a breath of surprise. He then handed it to a curious Kumadori, whose actions were much the same.

"Are you sure about this?" Kaku asked the vigilantes, his eyes wide.

Tashigi nodded solemnly. "You all are the only ones suitable for the job."

"Well, well," Kumadori said, impressed, as he passed the paper to Blueno, "Cross was right after all. It really _is_ like we've hardly left our old job."

"There's just one catch, _chapa_ ," Fukuro said, and everyone looked at him, surprised. "We haven't gotten the chance to tell Lucci about all of this yet... and I don't know if he'd like this, _chapa."_

Tashigi and Smoker exchanged glances, though the agents couldn't quite tell the emotion behind them. However, a second later, T-Bone bowed his head and placed his hand on the sword which hung sheathed at his waist. "Allow me to handle that, if I may," he said, his face tense. "I'm afraid I acted in an unforgivable manner during the unfortunate Enies Lobby affair, and I would like to make this up to Cross and to myself by convincing Lucci to join us."

Even Smoker couldn't hide his surprise at this information. "Really? How do you plan to convince someone as... unpredictable as Lucci, Scorpio?"

"If there's one thing I learned on this fantastic, terrible sea, it's that money is not the greatest persuasion — the _sword_ is."

All of CP9's (minus Lucci's) jaws dropped, as did the other two rebellious Marines'.

_"What!?"_ sputtered Tashigi in disbelief. "You can't be serious! Even _Luffy_ , one of the strongest people this half of the Grand Line, was brought almost to the brink of death by fighting him! You can't possibly expect to —"

"I've been training," growled T-Bone in response, "nearly every _second_ since I joined you, and I redoubled that training after my fight with that dugong. If I haven't improved at _least_ this much, then I don't deserve to be a part of this Zodiac, much less to kill Vergo."

"He's a Zoan," warned Jabra, "and take it from a fellow Zoan: we can take a _lot_ of abuse. If you're really going to try this, do _not_ attempt to outlast him."

T-Bone's sharp gaze brought recent memories of steel-willed pirates to mind. "We shall see," he intoned gravelly. 

~0~

_"Why... won't... you... just... FALL!?"_ snarled a bloody, exhausted Lucci, swaying on his feet.

Ten feet ahead, an even bloodier and more exhausted T-Bone shook on his own feet. Sheer _willpower_ was the only thing keeping him standing; every bone, muscle, and inch of his body screamed in agony. "I could say... the same to you..." rasped the vice-captain, his voice like that of the dead.

Every spot of ground in a seven-foot radius from the fighters was stained red with blood, peppered with stray Finger Pistol holes like Swiss cheese, and otherwise appeared as though seven World Wars had been waged simultaneously over it.

Three days after the monumental conversation, Lucci finally woke up from his injuries, and was declared healed enough to be dismissed from the hospital. The Zodiac of the Divine paid for his bills, and met with him outside the hospital doors. At this point, they'd told him everything that they'd told the rest of CP9. Lucci had accepted T-Bone's challenge, sure it was going to be an easy win, and they'd chosen the highest hilltop on the island to fight at...

It was too bad for him that Cross's Murphy's Law seminar hadn't yet aired.

Staggering across the bloodied ground in his leopard form like a zombie, Lucci bent his knees and powered into the sky with Moon Walk. Combining it with Shave, he dashed through midair behind T-Bone, roared in pure frustration, and put every ounce of his strength into a Six King Gun. The compressed air shot towards T-Bone with impressive speed, but before it hit him, the Marine turned on a dime and slashed the attack apart.

"This shouldn't be this hard!" howled Lucci, and not even bothering to waste the precious air he had left, he immediately combined Moon Walk with Tempest Kick to create a hailstorm of cutting attacks. The flashes of blue tore through the air, but they did not apparently have sufficient velocity. T-Bone's eyes flicked to each one as he threw powerful slashes of his sword at them, dissipating each one. The movements of his arm were so fast that Lucci's eyes couldn't even follow them.

_"Damn it!"_ the leopard-man snarled, and he kicked off the air at an angle. He flashed into view at T-Bone's side, stabbing rapidly with his finger, and managed to actually get the hits in. Ten, twenty, thirty Finger Pistols slammed into T-Bone's pale skin, bloody and cold, in the space of only four seconds. The force of the brutal attack invoked a heavy dose of Newton's First Law, and T-Bone didn't hit the ground until he was more than fifty feet away. Even then, he bounced hard and rolled several more feet, before finally losing momentum.

Lucci stood, panting, glaring down at the lying form so far away from him.

"Have you finally had enough, T-Bone!?" he said, his eyes narrowed.

The question hung in the breeze, the wind whistling across the hilltop being the only sound save for Lucci's extremely heavy, ragged breathing. Despite the fact that his senses increased fivefold in leopard form, he could not hear anything from T-Bone. Lucci drew in deep, precious breaths. Was the man dead? Had his body finally been pushed past the brink?

There was only one fight in Lucci's entire life that had been quite as tough as this one, and even then, it nearly surpassed it. The proud opponent to claim that fight was one Monkey D. Luffy, whose strength was simply undeniable. The toughness from that fight had been trying to overpower Luffy, however. Lucci was quite sure if that had come to a battle of endurance, Luffy would've fallen. But that wasn't the case with T-Bone. Two full days and almost two full nights - - that was how long they'd been locked in combat.

Twenty Six King Guns. Two hundred and fifty Tempest Kicks. Four hundred Finger Pistols. No food, no water, and no sleep. _All of this_ had T-Bone endured so far, and it was only this last attack that had finally brought him to his knees. The man had simply refused to give up. Lucci couldn't help but feel a rising amount of respect for him. It was really too bad that T-Bone was now dead - - the ex-CP9 agent would've liked to share a drink with the man who had given him the battle of an eon.

Lucci turned around, making to set off down the hillside and preferably fall unconscious in a bed, when his animal ears picked up an unbelievable sound.

_The crunch of blood-soaked leaves as T-Bone staggered to his feet._

"You..." he rasped, his voice almost too weak to make out. _"How_ are you still alive!?"

T-Bone's voice strained so badly one would've believed it to be the voice of a zombie. "I have a duty... to uphold..." he choked out, slumping into a fighting stance, holding his sword straight out at Lucci. "A good man... will never bow on his word. I... I promised my friends... that I would defeat you, and that... you would enter our group, and that is n-not something... that any simple, physical pain can stop m-me from accomplishing!"

Lucci knew he might not remain conscious himself for another attack. As it was, his vision was starting to swim before his eyes. He had left the hospital the same as he had been before he had ever crossed fists with Monkey D. Luffy, but now he was in ten times more agony than he had been after _that_ fight.

"V-Very well..." croaked Lucci. He drew in a shaky breath, lifted his arms so they were perpendicular to him but parallel to each other, and pointed them directly at T-Bone. _"S-Scorpio..._ we're both on our last l-legs... what do you say to ending this in one final blow?"

"That... is more than fine... with me..." said T-Bone.

The cold wind picked up a little as the opponents allowed a moment's pause. It howled in their ears, the sheer power of their fight filling the countryside with awe, and then the men opened their mouths and shouted in unison.

"GO!"

_"ULTIMATE SIX KING GUN!"_ roared Lucci, kicking off the ground and flashing through the air at mach speeds.

T-Bone gripped his sword tightly and steeled his protesting muscles. _"ONE-SWORD STYLE... SILK SONG!"_ His body twisted, his legs moving with a will of their own, and he thrust all his might into one final swing of his arms. His entire body moved as fluidly as a piece of silk flapping in the breeze.

Time itself froze as the attacks clashed in midair.

For several moments, it seemed as though Lucci's shaking arms, firing several unbelievably powerful Six King Guns at once, were pushing over T-Bone's steel-wall strength. A desperate battle cry rumbled up from Lucci's gut as he pushed forward. T-Bone let loose a howl of utter refusal in reply, his feet digging into the red ground. His sword sang a song of will, clear and sharp, high in tone and unbelievably beautiful, and finally, the blade broke past Lucci's guard and sliced down his chest.

The blood splattering onto the stained grass was indistinguishable from the rest of the hilltop.

Lucci's unwilled transformation back into a human completed itself before he even touched the ground. The thump that his fall made resonated into the air. His eyes, almost fully closed, shone with both frustration and respect.

"That..." rasped Lucci before his consciousness fully faded, "that was... an unbelievable fight. You... are truly a worthy opponent. You would be even if you'd lost."

T-Bone was nearly inaudible. "Th-thank you..."

Sweet unconsciousness tapped Lucci on the shoulder and beckoned for him, but even as he took its hand and his vision faded away, he made out, "S-Scorpio... I'm a man of my word. From this day, forth... I and the rest of CP9 will work faithfully for you."

"I do not doubt it," T-Bone said. He spun his sword, the quick motion flinging the dripping blood off it, and stabbed it into his sheath with finality.

Lucci barked one short laugh, and then unconsciousness claimed him. It wouldn't release its grasp on him for another week to come. 

**Xomniac AN: Just to head off anyone crying foul over T-Bone overpowering Lucci, let me stop you right there: T-Bone didn't 'overpower' Lucci, he outlasted him. T-Bone was getting batted around left and right, but no matter how hard Lucci hit him, he just wouldn't stay down. Didn't matter that his whole body was practically broken, he just kept getting back up and coming for more. While T-Bone's level wasn't above Lucci's, it managed to remain consistent throughout the whole of the fight, whereas Lucci's eventually flagged and faltered due to his energy running out. And where does T-Bone's sheer resilience and stamina come from you ask? Simple: On the first, he's already been half-dead once thanks to Akainu, so he has practice at hanging on at the edge of death's door, and on the second, he has the souls of his entire flotilla at his back, pushing him on to get Justice.**

**T-Bone's gonna die one day, just finish on his feet without so much as a word... but he'll be damned if it's even a day before his brothers get their justice.**

**Patient AN: I will admit that even _I_ found it unrealistic at first, but the above explanation is sufficient for me. I hope that it is so for you.**

**Cross-Brain AN: And as for those orders that CP9 received from the Masons? Well…let’s just say that Evan was made privy to one of our future plot twists, and it’s one that’s going to have significant effect further down the line.**

**And with that said, let’s move on.**

** Omake: Warm Front **

By TheRealEvanSG

There were many things that could piss off a certain, overheated pirate flag (and pirate) collector. Included in this list were such items as Cross talking, the Hirunos, messing with his children, and those annoying little Brussels sprouts that always seemed to unravel in his throat. None of these rose to the top, however. No, the thing that pissed Don Accino off as much as possible?

Stealing anything in his flag collection.

To say that Don Accino was steaming while he looked at his notably emptier trophy room was like saying that Nagasaki and Hiroshima had only a _little_ radiation after the war. To be fair, though, the patriarch _was_ literally steaming, literally being a term which here means ‘steam rose from his skin and escaped into the atmosphere due to the pure rage incensing his body.’ His children had done the best they could to distract him from entering the trophy room since the Straw Hats had left with their—and many other crews’—flags, but this proved to be a task impossible to uphold longer than a couple days. Now the very floor was threatening to melt into a gooey mess under the enraged Don’s feet.

“Why—did my children—agree to give a quarter—of my collection—away!?” he hissed venomously, steam whistling in the hellishly hot atmosphere around him.

Lil, the sole Accino child brave enough to currently be in the same room as him, observed the molten chaos from her safe perch on a chandelier which hung from the top of the room (how she’d gotten up there in the first place was anyone’s guess). “Because the Straw Hats agreed to royally screw up the wedding?” she reminded him. “Also because Princess Vivi offered you an endless stream of pirates to capture?” The petite girl slurped loudly on a cherry-flavored lollipop as she watched her father’s budding temper tantrum with something between amusement and concern for their house.

Don staggered backward, blinking, like Madam Hiruno had slammed her icy palm into his face at Kizaru-worthy speeds. “Vivi’s deal…” he murmured, his eyes widening. His growing temper had almost caused him to forget about that little detail altogether. The air grew noticeably cooler, as if an Antarctica-sized refrigerator had been opened in a volcano. The floor’s bubbling slowed to a stop as the patriarch of the Accinos considered the idea. “Ah, yes, that… I still haven’t decided whether to accept it, haven’t I?”

“Nope,” said Lil after taking a slight pause to lick her lollipop.

“Hm... it certainly is true that a lot of pirates in the early islands of Paradise really are quite stupid, and would no doubt wage constant war on Alabasta now that the threat of Crocodile retaliating is destroyed… And it _is_ equally true that we’ve been having a disturbing lack of prey to capture lately…”

The blue-haired girl raised her hand helpfully and kicked her legs in midair. “I’ve heard that Alabastans make really good candy!” she added.

Don considered.

And considered.

And considered some more.

“…This is going to take a lot of Hiruno-antagonizing,” he decided, shrugging his broad shoulders and starting to make his way out of the room. Although the Wedding Incident (capitalized to differentiate it from any other incidents that might happen to occur at weddings) had ended in a net victory for the Accinos, relations between the two bounty hunter families had devolved back into their normal state of affairs, with the one notable difference being that Burrato Hiruno had become the Accinos’ friend. In any case, Don always found that messing with the Hirunos helped calm his mind when it overheated.

“That’s great and all,” said Lil casually, taking another lick of her lollipop, “but if you’re done thinking, can you get me down from here? My apathy is only going to hold my universal little-kid fear of heights back for so long.”

Don froze—shit, he used that word!—erm, _halted_ in his tracks, and _slooooowly_ turned around to glare up at Lil. “And just how did you get up there in the first place, anyway?” he growled in exasperation.

“Wellllll…"

~0~

[Man!] laughed Skipper, cracking open a large bottle of West Blue sake and roughly slapping the freezing surface of the iceberg the four penguins sat on. [I don’t know _how_ Lil always finds out where Don keeps moving the booze around to, but I am _not_ going to question it!]

[And also keep doing whatever she tells you in exchange for the new locations?] Kowalski deadpanned. [Even if it involves tossing us up into the air in a Straw Hats-at-Alabasta style chain to get her to the top of the highest chandelier in the collection room?]

Skipper took a long swig of the bottle. [And that too!] he said, his voice twinging with a hint of drunkenness.

[Uh tust tuh Lil?] suggested a flat-out hammered Rico, his head swimming.

[Sure thing, dude!] cheered Private, thoroughly drunk despite having barely gotten a fourth of the way through his bottle. [To Lil!]

The penguins clinked their bottles of sake against each other. [KANPAI!]

~0~

The Don’s eye twitched. For one moment, he was disturbingly silent, glaring up at his youngest daughter with trembling fists.

“…DAMMIT, LIL, IF YOU WEREN’T MY FAVORITE, I’D MELT YOU!” roared Don.

Unconcernedly, Lil licked her lollipop. “Love you, too, Papa.”

And so it was that a grumbling Accino patriarch stomped out of his enormous flag collection room to look for a ladder, grumbling, “Alright, I don’t even need to antagonize any Hirunos to come to a decision this time. At least in Alabasta I won’t have to retrieve adorable daughters from my chandeliers. But first…” He paused and turned to Lil. “Can you find all your brothers and sisters and have everyone gather in the hall? I want to be sure you’re all on board with that.”

Lil’s hand froze on its way to bring the lollipop up to her outstretched tongue, and then she grinned. “Sure, Papa!” she chirped, and dashed away in a flash. Don Accino watched her run off with a proud smile; she was a beautiful, strong-willed girl, very respecting of her father and yet not afraid to get everyone back on the right track if they happened to stray off of it. She was going to grow up to make an amazing warrior, he knew, but until then, there were things to discuss and preparations to be made.

Once Lil had found where everyone had wandered off to, they all gathered together in the same room where, such a short time ago, Cross and Vivi had stood before the Accinos and negotiated their crew’s freedom. Campacino and Brindo were engaging in some sort of brotherly headlock, with Brindo desperately attempting to pat out, and Arbell and Salchow were casting ceaseless gooey eyes at each other—not that that was a surprise. Hockera was waxing his hockey stick, and Lil was crunching on what little remained of her lollipop. When Don entered the grand room, they all dropped their current activities and looked up, blinking.

“Hey, Dad,” said Salchow, raising an eyebrow, “what did you call us all here for? Lil said it was something about a discussion for the future.”

Campacino raised an eyebrow. “Is it about Princess Vivi’s deal?”

“And whether we’re accepting it?” added Brindo.

“You kids pick up on things fast,” muttered Don with a fond shake of his head. “Yes, it is. I called you here to hold a vote on this decision. It is a matter that will change our family for years, and after my horrible mistake in assuming that Lil would be fine with marrying Burrato, I want to be sure that every one of you is alright with moving to Alabasta. I personally have decided that it would be far more profitable for our family to hunt in its waters than next to that damned Triangle, and the Straw Hats _did_ do us a favor; but that’s beside the point. What are your thoughts about it?”

His children exchanged glances.

“We’re fine with it,” said Campacino and Brindo in tandem.

Hockera shrugged nonchalantly. “As long as there’s enough space for me to play hockey, it’s alright with me, ke.” He blinked, then raised an eyebrow. “Do you think that there’s such a thing as sand-hockey?”

“It’s the Grand Line,” said Campacino pointedly. “I’d be more surprised if there _isn’t_ sand-hockey.”

Arbell’s arms swooped over Salchow, and he flushed a proud red. “I’m up for living anywhere as long as it’s with my sweetheart!” she cooed, staring lovingly into his eyes while Lil made fake gagging sounds.

“It’s the same with me,” confirmed Salchow. “As long as Arbell-honey’s by my side, I’ll go to the ends of the planet.”

“Then it’s decided,” declared Don with a proud smile, standing tall and throwing his arms out grandly. “Pack everything we have, and let’s set a course… for the desert kingdom, Alabasta!" 

\--- _Two Weeks Later_ \---

The Giant Squad was bored.

Boredom was not something that giants knew how to deal with very well. People pointing guns at their faces? Easy; just punch them ‘round the head, ask questions later. Huge walls blocking their path? A simple kick was all it took to send those crumbling to their foundations. But boredom? That was an age-old enemy giant doctors were _still_ trying to cure, with little to no progress in over 900 years.

Why was the Giant Squad bored?

Curiously, despite having been assigned the seemingly monumental task of blocking off all access to and from the famed desert kingdom, Alabasta, _no one was trying to enter or leave the thrice-damned country_. Anytime anyone who didn’t have a Devil Fruit user as one of their main fighters came anywhere close to sighting the enormous Marines, they turned tail and sailed as fast as they could away. And even crews of both pirates and civilians alike who _did_ enjoy access to Devil Fruit users seemed to find the task of taking down Marine-affiliated giants far too daunting to even consider. And it seemed as though, currently, Alabasta was entirely self-sufficient, so there was no reason for anyone to leave. _Sure_ , there were your oddball idiots here and there who actually believed they had even a smidgen of a chance and attempted to attack them, but long story short, the Giant Squad was _seriously_ battle-deprived, and a battle-deprived giant is _not_ a happy camper.

“I’M… SO… _BORED_!” bellowed Vice Admiral Maginot, the usually tranquil giant restless with unused energy. His huge black afro bounced on his head as he stomped the ship in frustration, an action that would have sent any other sea vessel rocking; but ships made for giants were built of sterner stuff.

“Calm down, Maginot,” soothed De Lis, though the only female member of the group was equally antsy if her unconsciously tapping fingers were anything to go by. “I’m sure we’ll get our fight soon enough. And if we don’t, we can always look for some Sea Kings to use as punching bags.”

Vice Admiral Vercingetroix (called Vin by literally everyone who knew him), grunted and took a swig of his most recent bottle of beer. His sharp teeth cut a slight scratch in the thick glass of the bottle as he released it from his lips with a satisfied grunt. “Ah, put a can in it, Maginot,” he snorted at his contemporary’s obvious discomfort. “You’re gonna pop a blood vessel if you let your stupidity take over more than it already has.”

Maginot fixated a glare on Vin that would send any human running for the hills. “What was that, you damned Long-Name!?”

“My name’s not that long!” huffed Vin, who was quite sensitive to jokes about his name.

“When your name’s bigger than _you_ are,” grunted Maginot with a smirk, “there are serious problems. You know, I think you might be compensating for something with it.”

“Why, _YOU LITTLE_ —”

The two giants slammed their heads into each other, growling ferociously, and the gunner, Louis, perked up from swabbing his guns at the sound of a budding fight. His sharklike face was twisted into a wide grin that made it look even _more_ sharklike, his mohawk perking up on his head like a mountain range. As Maginot and Vin began to grapple, pushing their hands against each other in a test to see who could overpower the other, he whooped and hollered, cheering on their fight.

“Yeah, PUSH!” he roared, grinning savagely. “Kick his ass, Vin!”

“DON’T EGG THEM ON!” roared a pissed-off De Lis, slamming her fist into Louis’s nose and knocking him down flat on the ship’s deck. “IN-FIGHTING WON’T HELP SHIT!”

“ _Saysh da woman who just bwoke mah noshe,_ ” groaned Louis bitterly, picking himself off the floor, disgruntled.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Vice Admiral Lacroix emerged from it, making his way down to the deck and frowning at the two brawling Marines. “Vin, Maginot, what is the meaning of this?” he asked sternly, and the giants in question froze at the sound of his voice.

Vin turned to Lacroix, his face red with Maginot-induced ire. “That bastard was making fun of my name, so I decided to teach him a lesson,” growled the swordsman, casting a dark glare at Maginot.

The other giant shrugged. “I was just bored, and Vin’s easy to rile up, so I riled him up” admitted Maginot.

Lacroix considered the statements. “I see. Vice Admiral Maginot, please refrain from pissing off your fellow Marines to cure your own boredom, and Vin?”

“Yes, sir?” said Vin, somewhat confused as to why the squad’s de facto leader was addressing him when this _really_ wasn’t his fault.

“…Your name _is_ pretty damn long.”

“DAMN IT, LACROIX!”

The swordsman started to stomp across the deck to the de facto leader, his hand inching toward his sword, which was more of a sign of the Giant Squad’s intense boredom than anything else. They might have commonly picked fights among each other, but under normal circumstances, none of them ever picked one with Lacroix, out of respect for his leadership. It was a matter of honor, something giants as a race prided themselves for following extremely well. A giant without honor was like a vertebrate without a spine. As it was, however, Vin’s own boredom fueled his aggravation, which in turn made him think far less than normal, and he made a move to unleash his enormous sword upon the de facto leader. Just as Vice Admiral Lacroix started to coat his fist in Haki to block the oncoming attack, however, a shout from Corse, who was officially the doctor but was currently acting as lookout, froze both giants stiff.

“SHIP SIGHTED ON THE HORIZON, HEADING INTO ALABASTA AT ONE O’CLOCK!” bellowed Corse, his cat-eared hood appearing over the edge of the crow’s nest before the rest of head. “WE MIGHT NOT WANT TO INTERFERE WITH THIS ONE, THOUGH. IT’S THE ACCINOS. WE MIGHT BE BITING OFF MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW.”

“The Accinos?” De Lis repeated. “Aren’t they some of the Marines’ most favored bounty hunters? What are they doing here?”

“I don’t know, but I hope they’re up for a fight!” declared Maginot, cracking his knuckles in anticipation. “I haven’t punched a single person this week, and my fists miss slamming into people’s faces!”

“What should we do, Lacroix?” asked Ostro, the crew’s cook, coming out of the kitchen at Corse’s announcement. His shirt was conspicuously missing again, and although he seemed to be aware of this fact, he was either too bored to care or just simply didn’t. Going by prior knowledge, the other Squad members guessed it was the latter. “Should we attack, or wait for them to make a move?”

“It _is_ strange for the Accinos to have come over here clear from their home near the Florian Triangle,” mused Lacroix, narrowing his eyes at the approaching ship. “How did they make it here? What do you think, De Lis?”

De Lis, the crew’s strategist, rubbed her chin in thought, despite the fact that she didn’t have a beard. “The only answer must be that they came across an Eternal Log Pose pointing to this island. That raises the question, however, as to how exactly they came across such a thing in the first place. If pirates gave it to them, then I would say that the Accinos currently stand a threat to us. This is also the case if they were given one by a member of the Nefertari family or an ambassador of theirs. If they stole it from someone, however, their current alignment would be hard to tell outright.”

“So what would you suggest?”

“Flag them down and demand an explanation as to how they’ve acquired an Eternal Pose to Alabasta,” decided De Lis thoughtfully. She blinked, then added, “And of course, should their intentions be contrary to ours, sink them to Davy Jones’ locker.”

“Bullshit!” groaned Maginot. “Why can’t we just attack them right off the bat!?”

Ostro rolled his eyes. “Because they might be backing us up, or delivering information to us, or any number of other things, Maginot,” he said. “Honestly, if you used half the brain cells you have in that big head of yours, you’d come to the conclusion very easily.”

The bazooka wielder’s eye twitched. “You’re lucky Lacroix said not to fight among ourselves; otherwise you’d be out cold by now.”

“I’d like to see you _try_ to lay me down.”

“I may just take you up on that offer.”

“BOYS!” snapped De Lis, and the two giants jumped into attention. She smiled serenely at them as they grinned fearfully back; they were very conscious of Louis’ broken nose. Pleased with their ceasefire, she nodded. “Good.”

The two let out large breaths of relief… and glared at each other the moment her back was turned to them.

Ronse, the acting helmsman of the crew, changed course to pull up alongside the Accino family ship, their own enormous battleship cutting through the waves like a knife through butter. It took about half an hour for them to reach each other, and by the time they finally did, Ostro had a black eye, Maginot was rubbing his side tenderly, Louis was laughing his ass off, and De Lis’ frustration was so high she was practically steaming. Lacroix chose to ignore the three less mature members of the crew, instead opting to gauge the bounty hunters’ expressions and actions, trying to determine their alignment just by looking at them. Sadly, he had never possessed much skill in this department.

“ACCINO FAMILY!” he bellowed over to their ship once they were within hearing range. “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THESE WATERS? FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAVE YOU COME HERE?”

Over on the Accino ship, the bounty hunters were gathered at the side of the ship, all save for Hockera, who was currently commanding the helm. Don nodded at Campacino, the signal for him to respond to their interrogators.

“We’re here to claim a pair of high-profile bounties,” the eldest Accino sibling shouted back through a megaphone. “Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon are worth 115 million together.”

“And aside from that,” Brindo continued once said megaphone was passed to him, “the good favor we would gain from the Government by stripping a Revolutionary country of its two Devil Fruit users would likely be even more beneficial for us.”

Lacroix’s eyebrows rose. This… This seemed almost too good to be true. Exchanging surprised glances with his comrades, the mountainous Vice-Admiral raised an eyebrow and leaned out over the railing. “REALLY?” he boomed, his voice rumbling across the waters. “AND HOW HAVE YOU RUN ACROSS AN ETERNAL POSE TO TAKE YOU HERE?”

“Spoke to Marine HQ,” deadpanned the youngest Accino, Lil, upon receiving their megaphone. “Received permission directly from the top, along with the Eternal Pose.”

Stunned short of speech, and more than a little disappointed, the Giant Squad all slumped where they stood.

“Uh… okay…” De Lis managed at last, blinking rapidly. “I suppose you’re free to go past…”

“IT’S MUCH APPRECIATED!” shouted Salchow with a large salute. “BUT NOT AS APPRECIATED AS MY ARBELL-HONEY…”

“Oh, Salchow!” swooned said woman, wrapping him up in a large hug, and the giants’ eyes twitched as one as the couple began smooching heavily, right before everyone’s eyes. Ronse made faux gagging sounds, which prompted Vin into loud snickers.

With no further opposition from the Giant Squad, the bounty hunters freely sailed across the Alabastan waves until they could no longer be seen. Once they were out of the Marines’ vision, the rogue bounty hunters let out a collective breath of relief. They hadn’t expected that to actually work; they’d been sure that the Marine group would see right through their lies and attack them. That would’ve been more than a little annoying, not to mention worrying.

It was smooth sailing the rest of the way into Alabasta. A Sea King rose up to try and chomp on their ship half way, but the Don killed it with a super-heated flurry of punches, and no damage to them was incurred. No one tried to oppose them from landing at Nanohana, either, although they were met with quite a few curious stares; this made sense, though, since no one had been making land at the ports lately. Both Lil and Salchow complained about the heat the _entire_ way to Alubarna, however, and Arbell might have followed suit had Don not bought her some “gorgeous, cultural clothing” before they set off on their trek.

Thanks to the forethought of purchasing some camels, it only took them a day to reach the capital, Alubarna. It was a beautiful city, and even the Don had to admit that his breath was taken away with his first sight of it. He could definitely see why Vivi was so pissed at the Government for depriving her of a peaceful life in a country like this. By one o’clock the day after their meeting with Giant Squadron, the bounty hunter family found themselves staring up at the famous palace of the royal family of Alabasta. By one thirty, they found themselves kneeling in the throne room before the king and his royal guards, Pell and Chaka, as well as men whom the SBS-informed bounty hunters identified as Igaram and Kohza.

“Your royal highness,” said Don Accino respectfully, head bowed before the vaguely amused king. “We come by request of her highness Nefertari Vivi, seeking to become this country’s naval protection.”

King Cobra snorted and sighed. “Kohza,” he groaned, glancing to the young man standing at attention in line with the royal guards and Igaram, “when do you think will people ever learn that they don’t have to be formal with me?”

“Probably never, sir,” said the ex-rebel, grinning knowingly.

The aging man heaved his eyes up to the heavens. “That’s what I was afraid of…” He sighed and shook his head. “Stand up, Don Accino of the Accino Family. Everyone in this country is equal, and the King is no exception. There is no need to bow in my presence.” Surprised, but somewhat pleased, the powerful man nodded and rose, his family following suit. Cobra smiled. “That’s better. Now, if Vivi asked you to come here, I trust her decision full-heartedly. You shall be appointed as Alabasta’s official naval forces, and paid accordingly. I must ask, though, why exactly did Vivi choose you?”

Don frowned and sighed. “Well, you see, years ago, I ate a certain Devil Fruit that Vivi was greatly interested in.” At this, King Cobra leaned forward, eyes widening. The bounty hunter nodded, sensing the question in the old man’s gaze. He lifted his arms out, and the temperature in the room increased greatly. Don was a little surprised at just how much _easier_ it was to use his powers in this country; it seemed he could raise temperatures much more quickly in this hot environment. “Your highness, I ate the Hot-Hot Fruit, and was asked to come to Alabasta so that whenever my time is meant to end, the Devil Fruit might return to its origins.”

“The Rage…” Cobra’s jaw slackened in awe. “I… never thought I’d see another of our missing treasures in my life… And here Vivi already found one…” His features softened, and a proud smile spread across his face, the picture of a father proud of his daughter. “She certainly would’ve made a fantastic queen. Welcome to Alabasta, Don Accino. I am now extremely glad you have stepped foot on our soil.”

~0~

Two days after the meeting between the Accinos and the Giant Squad, Corse sat on the railing of their ship near the figurehead, something itching at the back of his mind. There was something wrong, something he couldn’t quite tell…

“I NEED TO FIGHT SOMETHING!” roared Maginot, and something hard, knuckle-y, and pointedly fist-like struck the pondering giant ‘round the back of his head. Corse nearly fell off the ship, but he regained his balance, arms wheeling, legs flailing. With a pissed roar, the punched Marine swiveled around and leaped to his feet, preparing to fire a punch back --

And blinked as that elusive thing suddenly flashed into his mind.

“Ah… D’you think we should call HQ, just in case they might have been lying?” At Maginot’s questioning look, Corse elaborated. “About their reason for coming into Alabasta, I mean.”

All of the other squad members froze on their oversized feet.

“...Dammit!” De Lis howled from the crow’s nest. She smacked her head with an exasperated groan even as she rushed to the nearest Transponder Snail and began dialing Marineford’s number. Her foot tapped impatiently. “Come on, pick up,” she groaned restlessly.

At last, the nervous snail made the relieving _katcha_ and the call went through. A low, carefree voice rang through the on the other end.

“ _Marine Headquarters, Garp speaking. Get to it and tell me what do you want so I can start the paperwork and forget to fill it out_.”

“Ah, Garp!” the strategist breathed, relief evident in her voice. “This is De Lis of the Giant Squadron. Everything’s clear on our end, but just out of curiosity, might the Accinos have ordered an Eternal Pose from HQ for the purpose of hunting several Alabastan bounties?”

The lazy Vice Admiral hummed, and the snail’s eyes went half-lidded. It looked like it was picking its nose without any fingers to do so with. Quite the spectacle indeed. “ _Hmm, not that I recall. I might’ve slept through it, though. Hold on, let me check._ ” De Lis rolled her eyes and sighed as the echo of Garp’s footsteps reached her ears alongside the clank of his receiver dropping. After a few minutes of dead air, his voice again filtered through the receiver. “ _Nope. I just spoke to Sengoku, and I can’t say that they have. Why, did they trick you into letting them into Alabasta or something?_ ” His booming laughter at his joke shook the transceiver, and De Lis’ eye twitching reached a new fervor.

“Um… well…” she ground out, unsure of how to phrase it in a way that didn’t seem bad.

Garp’s laughter froze.

“ _...You did, didn’t you_ ,” he deadpanned, and De Lis’ awkwardness suddenly transformed into outright fury.

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU, MR. I-REVEALED-THAT-THE-REVOLUTIONARY-HAD-A-SON-WHO’S-THE-STRONGEST-ROOKIE-ON-THE-SEAS!”

With that outburst, she slammed the receiver back down on the poor snail, which choked and scuttled away as fast as it could move. Which wasn’t that fast at all, since it was a snail.

The ship was silent for several moments; the other Marines had gotten more than enough bruises to know to shut up during a bout of De Lis’ anger. She stood silently, fists clenching and unclenching, and the other giants waited nervously. At last, Lacroix judged her to have calmed down enough to be reasonable. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and spoke.

“So, I guess now would be as good a time as ever to revolt, eh?”

Everyone stared at him with wide eyes.

Lacroix glared. “What!? We’ve been talking about mutiny since the fiasco at Enies Lobby. Garp himself won’t care that we let the Accinos into Alabasta, but when he tells the higher-ups what happened, we’ll have everyone breathing down our necks anywhere we go. And let’s be real; the Marines were always suspicious of us revolting from the get-go. We might as well get a jump start on things and go rejoin the Giant Warrior Pirates before shit hits the fan, as a certain blond pirate might say.”

“That… makes a lot of sense,” admitted Ostro. The pot-bellied cook rubbed the side of his backwards baseball cap sheepishly.

“So, then,” Maginot spoke up, raising an eyebrow, “who’s going to issue the declaration of mutiny?”

Silence reigned.

“…Not it!” said many of the Giant Squad at once, with Vin’s voice echoing a tad behind the rest.

“…Shit,” said Vin.

**Cross-Brain AN: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Mind you, this won’t be the last time that we post an omake(s) that we requested from a fan, but it will be the last time for a while. For now, we return to the work of the Cross-Brain, and the good news is that we’re making good progress on our next post!**

**…The bad news is that it’s another omake, but it’s one that we’ve been planning on posting at this point in the story from the start. We think you’ll like it.**


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